Asami sat in bed, pouring over the blueprints she had drawn up to improve her racer Satomobiles but a nagging combination of worry and dread began to erode her sense of her comfort. Asami began to worry about Korra's abrupt change in mood as the night worried on, She began to convince herself that it was only her new found, unwanted changing perception of Korra that was causing this feeling and Korra herself was fine.
Asami had found herself unwittingly and shamelessly judging Korra as she began to open, make herself vulnerable and bare her soul. Why? The heiress had no clue, she knew she was not looking down upon her girlfriend. But, Asami could not help but realize that part of her, no matter how hard she fought it, felt different toward Korra. The feelings were new to her, perhaps some of it, though Asami would never admit it outloud, was a little fear of Korra. Fear of the demons her girlfriend carried and the damage she had sustained. She worried if Korra, deep down, had changed was broken beyond repair.
These thoughts nibbled away at Asami's conscious thoughts as half an hour turned into an hour and Korra had yet to return from exercising all hopes of obtaining were gone, her nerves were beyond frayed. Something in her gut told her, Korra was not okay and it was not in her head, that she had not just imagined the change in Korra. That indeed night Korra was different from day Korra.
As the imagine of a broken, sobbing Korra from this morning filled her head, Asami set aside the once precious blueprints with little regard and began the descent downstairs to her personal gym. As she neared her personal training center, Asami heard what was the unique and unfamiliar sound of Korra sobbing. The sound only fanned the flames of her worry as her blood ran cold whilst she barreled into the gym.
Inside, Asami found Korra on the ground, tucked into ball sobbing into her knees. The jade eyed woman gasped when she saw bloodied, mangled mocha hands wrapped taught around the knees as Korra muttered incoherently.
"Spirits Korra," Asami gasped stopping herself from touching the obviously traumatized avatar for fear it would only trigger her further.
The sound of Asami's voice had registered somewhere deep on the back of Korra's mind as her eyes widened like a wounded animal caught in the headlights of a Satomobile she turned toward the sound of the voice. Korra blinked, registering the presence of her girlfriend, it soothed her but only put a temporary stop to the tears.
Once she was calm enough to realize the gravity of the situation, it only served to upset Korra and cause the flow of tears again. This time the tears weren't frenzied, her breathing was calm and even thanks to Asami, but her mood was now somber and now felt she had truly become a monster, she knew her disheveled appearance made her look ghastly given how taken aback 'Sami looked and she certainly felt like a monster on the inside. To Korra there was no denying she was a monster., it was all consuming.
Asami's predetermined judgements of Korra gone, awashed with guilt and worry. She had severely underestimated the gravity and severity of the situation when it came to Korra. There was no need to fear her, but to fear her and her safety. The CEO was out of her element here, Korra needed more than just someone to listen to her. It was now crystal clear to her that the avatar's demons were darker, larger, and more problematic than she had envisioned or could comprehend.
Before she was going to bring anyone else though, Asami needed to reach out to find the real Korra hidden in the catatonic state she was in and communicate with her. If she were to just drag in a third party, no matter who it was, without breaking through to the real Korra, Asami knew her girlfriend would never forgive. She could never live with herself if she did that Korra, either. Asami needed, no owed it Korra, to keep her informed no matter how concerned she was for what was really going on with her. Even though she was scared, terrified for Korra and had a maelstrom of emotions about the entire situation and began to question everything about her relationship, Asami felt indebted to her and that she at the very least owed her the kindness of soothing her and walking her through this.
"Korra," her voice was at a surprisingly even keeled even though she felt as if were world was coming undone as she plopped down on the floor near Korra, careful not touch her as she was still in a semi-trance like state.
Those tear-filled glacial eyes met hers and Asami saw the hurt, the pain clear as day etched on Korra's face as the last of the tears rolled down her already tear stained mocha skin. Her red-rimmed eyes were puffy and tired and carried a pain that was in no way physical but screamed she had long since breached her mental limit and this breakdown was a long-time in the making fueled by so much more than emotion and self-neglect. It was tale that was going to play out very soon though Asami did not know it, but Korra did and her eyes were already pleading asking forgiveness for past deeds and secrets kept.
Korra's eyes plead for forgiveness as she fought back more tears, whilst surveying Asami. She wanted forgiveness, something she knew she did not deserve for a series of decisions and mistakes she could not, even to this moment, own up to. Korra could not even bring herself to verbalize her deeds, she could barely admit them to herself, they fueled her shame and lead in part to actions.
All Korra knew was she had indeed plummeted to bottom. She had hit rock bottom, she was a monster. Korra saw herself as a monster, she finally looked the monster she was inside. And now? Now, she was going to be exposed as the monster she was to the one person, the one person who had thought her anything but a monster, by the night's end. That fact ripped her heart out.
She was nowhere close enough to composed to being able to verbally answer Asami's plea for her, instead Korra reached out for her stopping short of touching when she realized the bloody mess her hand still was. Having seen Korra's hesitation, 'Sami did not care and leaned into the touch, she needed the comfort of the contact as much as Korra did. She honestly did not know whether gesture was more to comfort herself or Korra, but it had the desired effect on both on them. It soothed and relaxed Korra at least for the moment. As for Sami, it reminded her that the sight before her was still Korra, was still the woman she loved. No matter how broken or damaged, it was still the same Korra and she could find a semblance of solace in that.
The recognition and relative calmness that followed convinced Asami to encaptured the avatar in a loving an embrace, she couldn't care less about the blood staining her fancy clothes. In this moment what she wanted, what she needed, was to be with Korra. It was no longer a matter of what she owed her girlfriend, the more she had studied her in this catatonic state, Asami realized for better or worse that Korra was her heart and soul. Through thick or thin, she was going to stand by Korra, no matter what demons the avatar was facing or skeletons she was hiding in her closet, Asami could not envision life without the brash, cocky yet wonderful and amazing woman. The fact that her mind had even wavered for a moment made her feel like the lowest of low lives.
Korra melted into her, leaving so much unsaid as she put all of her love an desperation into the embrace, afraid her time with Asami fleeting. The CEO could detect the hint of desperation in Korra's melancholy mood and only emphasized her love in return, hiding her own fears and uncertainty about what was going to unfold in the next few hours. All she knew is Korra needed her in this moment and at this moment it was something she could offer her, but she had to get her to speak.
To truly open and reveal the source of what caused this breakdown, Asami could not be with Korra if she was going to harbor demons and skeletons to this point and continue down a path self-destruction. Asami loved her, of that there was no doubt, but she would not sit idly by and watch Korra destroy herself if this was going to become commonplace. She loved her too much to watch that happen and had gained too much respect for herself to put herself in a situation that she knew was toxic no matter how for it was or how much she loved them. Asami had climbed too far out of the pit of self-hate and doubt to to do that to herself, even for Korra.
"Love what happened? What's going on?" Asami pleaded, tears were threatening to pour over the rims over her jade eyes as she tried to remain composed for Korra's sake but it was taking all she had, pushing the CEO to her very limits.
Those simple yet probing words carried so much weight as a Korra felt a heaviness overtake her, it was time to own up, to confess to as much as she could verbalize. The avatar inhaled a deep breath meant to steady and compose herself, to draw strength before she tried to find a way to explain to Sami how things had gotten this way. How things became completely and utterly fucked. It would be funny really, comical if it wasn't so sad and it had not happened to her. That thought almost caused Korra to scoff as it crossed her mind, it seemed her life was fucking joking right now, a real bad joke that she just couldn't comprehend but found sadistically funny nonetheless.
"I fucked up. I fucked up bad," Korra sighed, exhaling loudly hoping it would lift a portion of the weight of the burden off of her, but still she felt weighed down, falling further into the abyss.
Her hands throbbed, the adrenaline finally wearing off as the blood began to clot and stop pouring from the wounds. Korra knew she had damaged her hands to the point she would not be able to heal herself, which meant dragging a third party into this situation. But, who had she been fooling? It was always coming down to the involvement of at least a third party the moment 'Sami found her like this. She was screwed, her any shot at privacy or discretion blown due to her own brashness.
The vague answer did little to clue in Asami or easy her frayed her nerves, in fact it only seemed to ignite a spark of anger deep in her core, It was obvious to her, to anyone, Korra had fucked up on some level. If she had not, then why were her hands bloody, mangled and herself curled up in ball of tears? But fueling her anger was going to get neither of them anywhere, so Asami had to quash those feelings and dig deep inside of herself for a reserve of patience in emergency situations, something as a CEO she should have but had not yet mastered. It seemed Korra was determined to test her emotional and mental limits today.
"Care to elaborate?" she retorted unable to keep the edge out of her voice, though it was not entirely harsh Korra could tell that underneath the concern there was the indwelling disappointment with a hint of anger.
The prickly tone in the CEO's voice was usually reserved for dominant side when roleplaying in the bedroom, it's harshness in the reality of the real world only served as fodder for Korra's raging nerves. She knew that however fearful she was of the damage of her truth coming out, there was no turning back at this point. Korra had simply snapped, a lapse in judgment and there was no undoing. It was a beyond a shit happens moment, now it was up to her to own up to her past, her demons, and her truth. To own up and open up regardless of how little of it she comprehended herself, it would no longer be her burden alone to share.
"I just... It's too much and freaked out. To be afraid to go to sleep and confronted with your most daunting fears, reliving the worst moment of your life... Then to wake up it and have it been so real, it so confusing and fucks with you. Takes it toll. Soon you wish they'd just kill you like in the dreams, and when you wake it's a crushing a blow. It becomes all too much sometimes, too heavy a burden to carry. So I try to exhaust myself so I just go to bed blackout peacefully. Wake up in the morning with no recollection of what happened while I slept. I just snapped tonight. I couldn't get the negative thoughts out of my head and just pushed myself harder hoping they'd go away," Korra admitted only offering Asami half of her story, the other bit she could not bring herself yet to confess.
Korra's honesty was refreshing but it did not mean the words did not tare Asami apart when she heard them, to know her girlfriend suffered so much and she was oblivious to the extent of her inner turmoil. The words hit her like a ton of bricks, her gut hurt, she felt like retching, and her first face betrayed the pain she felt for Korra and the self-hatred Asami felt for not catching any of the signs as each traumatic event had occurred. The CEO felt by the time Korra had returned from self-imposed exile, the toll of all the negative pent emotion and self-hatred should have been so obvious to her, who had grown accustom to the upbeat Korra of years prior.
Asami felt partially at fault here, having had on blinders since Korra's return. Admittedly, she was lovestruck, seeing only what she wanted to see- a healthy equally lovestruck, lovesick Korra. No one could fault the CEO, the avatar had a hell of a poker and spent her hiatus crafting a mask to hide her true self. The act of being head over heels in love with Asami was anything but an act, she was and is genuinely in love with her. Guiltily, Korra used Asami's love as blind spot to hide just how bad things were, and to hide the behaviors she was yet to fess up to. The things she could not bring herself to own up to, but they were going to out themselves when inevitably a healer came to tend to her.
"Why? Why did you feel the need to hide this from me?" gone was the anger from her voice, in its place was hurt and curiosity, a sense of pleading and need was dominating Asami's tone as she begged Korra for the one answer she was not sure she could provide.
"I don't know. Why does anyone hide things from those they love? Shame? Fear? I am Avatar Korra of the Southern Water Tribe. I am supposed to bring balance and peace to the world, yada yada yada. I can't even bring balance and peace to mind. I don't care what the world thinks of me. What is the Asami Sato going to think that? She is the most brilliant woman in the world and could have anyone... Yet she is choosing an avatar who can't properly avatar. Not only that the avatar can't even restore balance and peace to her own mind. Yeah I am running joke. Now that you know..." the tears began to fall and Korra couldn't finish her explanation but it was clear that she felt Asami would find her a joke as well and leave, leave her just a little more broken than she found her.
Asami had not been sure what she had expected from Korra to try to justify everything, but that was the last thing she had expected. Never did she think Korra thought so low of herself or that she would think that she would see her as a joke. Asami could only see the amazing person Korra of the Southern Water Tribe was who just happened to be the avatar. She could not count the number of times she had reminded her girlfriend of that just recently, but Asami also knew that once the seed of doubt, a negative idea, was planted the havoc it could sow was immeasurable.
She wished with all her might Korra could see all of the good in herself, all the things not just Sami herself saw, but the world saw in her. There was and is so much more to her than being the avatar, but unfortunately during her training no one seemed to have told that to Korra. They seemed to have ingrained in her that she was just an avatar, not a person, a spirit, or anything else other than an object to serve the world.
"You're NOT a joke Korra," Asami pleaded knowing that it was going to take so much more to get through to her, but she would not stop trying to make Korra feel like she was worth something.
Korra greeted her with a sad, unbelieving smiling that did not even reach her eyes. The avatar looked hollow, a shell of the former happy woman who had arrived at Republic City as a spitfire all those years ago to learn airbending and take the world by storm. If Asami did not know better, she would have guessed that this version of Korra was a distant relative of that one, she was so tired, defeated, ragged, and blank compared to that Korra. The CEO had seen the changes gradually, then tonight they were expedited to extremes, yet she could not fathom how she had been so blind, obtuse to the changes in her girlfriend.
"Kora, you just need help. Help to process everything you have been through. All the trauma. You need to learn how to handle emotions, something quite frankly no one bothered to help you cope with," she continued the last part was a little tough love but Asami felt she needed to hear it, to understand she was not broken beyond repair.
The avatar hung her head in shame, though she knew it deep down it was true, help was the last thing Korra wanted at the moment was help. She did not want to drag more people into her toxic situation, it seemed all she was capable of doing was causing pain- the look on 'Sami's face confirmed her fear. The next natural steps was to bring in those closest to her, that she could trust, that were equipped to help. THose two people happened to be Kya and Chief Beifong. The latter person scared Korra as she knew Lin would be blunt with, honest with her and tell her plainly that she had fucked up. There were no kid gloves when it came to Lin, but perhaps that was what Korra Needed, no more excuses for her behavior.