The Fallen
Summary – Peeta Mellark is the Winner of the 74th Hunger Games after Katniss Everdeen sacrifices herself to save his life. He soon finds himself in the middle of the rebellion as their beacon of hope, their Mockingjay. But as Peeta will soon discover, not all fallen tributes stay dead.
Disclaimer: These are all Suzanne Collin's toys. They're just in my playground.
A/N: Hey guys, sorry it's taking me some time to get back into the swing of things but I'm doing my best right now, thanks for hanging in there and sticking with it. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year.
Anyway here's chapter 37, better late than never I guess! As always please review/favourite/follow but most importantly, enjoy! x
After days of being stuck in the bunker and what felt like months since I last felt the sun on my skin, I was itching to get out of here. What I wanted was to just go deep into the nearby woods completely alone with a bow and arrow in the hopes I could find a semblance of the old Katniss again. I needed to build my strength back up and start training, I couldn't think of better way to start.
I put in a request with Coin via Gale to see if she would allow it, I wasn't holding my breath but she responded with a counter offer. As they were in a hurry to get that interview out of me, especially following the attack Snow launched on Thirteen. Plutarch had arranged for us to go to Twelve as soon as possible and I was told that when they were happy with the interview and got from us any other footage they wanted, they would give Peeta and I one hour alone in Twelve to go wherever we wanted. I agreed to their terms, but was still hoping to persuade her for some more time outside when we returned.
Within 48 hours after being freed of the bunker, Peeta and I were on an aircraft in our Mockingjay uniforms heading to our old District. We were being escorted by Cressida and her film crew, Effie, Boggs, and a handful of his men.
I had known the trip to Twelve was coming, I had requested to see what remains of it after all. Peeta, my mom, Prim and Gale had all told me what happened the night they escaped, and it was lucky they did. I thought I was ready, but no matter what I thought I was getting into, but no amount of mental preparation could have prepared me for what it was like to step off that aircraft into the place I once called home and took in the sights and smells around me.
I was completely overwhelmed by feelings of grief and despair. The place was almost unrecognizable, everything reduced to ash and rubble. The stench of death and decay lingered in the air and body parts and bones littered the streets, sticking out among the debris. Those poor people.
We only made it a few metres away from the aircraft before I could feel myself falling into that dreadful state of panic. I sank to my knees, "They do not own me. I am more than just a piece in their games," I whispered to myself a couple of times, I squeezed my eyes shut and took some deep breaths hoping to keep the panic at bay, but I could still see all the death behind my eyelids and my mantra wasn't doing much to calm me this time. I had seen so much death. Too much death for one lifetime, and I knew that there would be more to come before all this was over.
I let out a strangled cry and clutched my chest. My eyes flooded with tears. Peeta crouched down besides me, "Katniss, I'm right here," he whispered and put a gentle hand on my knee. I grabbed for it like it was a lifeline. "I'm here," he said again and pressed a kiss to my temple
"This is bad, Peeta," I managed to choke out between sobs, "I thought I was prepared for this, but..." I couldn't continued
"No one can be prepared for this," he wrapped his arms around me, "If this is too much for you we can go, screw the interview, we can find something else to do,"
Somehow his words lit a fire under me, despite myself, I didn't want to leave just yet. I shook my head and sucked in some more deep breaths the panic attack began to loosen its grip on me before it took me over completely and the tightness in my chest began to ease.
"You are so stubborn," Peeta smiled, he helped me refocus on my breathing exercises, matching my deep breaths which helped me out a lot, "Are you okay?" he asked once he knew I had calmed, I nodded. Peeta helped me to my feet and pulled me back into his arms, cradling me protectively "Are you sure you want to do this?" he whispered into my ear
"I have to," I whispered back, "you know I do,"
"I know," he sighed, "I just can't help but worry about you, seeing you that way always scares me, I don't think I'll ever get used to it,"
I kissed him and touched my forehead to his, "I love you," I breathed
"I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing you say that either," he murmured through a smile, "Come on then," he pulled back and took my hand again, "if you insist we do this, let's get it over with,"
We started moving back towards our travel companions, "Katniss, are you okay?" Cressida asked, they had been watching us but had given us space, I wasn't sure if they had filmed us or not, but something told me Cressida wasn't that insensitive.
"I'm fine" I replied, "where do you want to do this thing?"
"I thought that maybe we could take a few shots of you and Peeta walking through what's left of the District, give us a tour of what places used to be, pick out a couple of landmarks like the Justice Building or your homes for example, talk about what they meant to you before and what it means to you now that they're gone, we'll keep walking until we get to the Victor's Village, Plutarch suggested we do the interview at your house Peeta,"
"It's still standing?" he asked, surprised
"According to our intel," Cressida shrugged, "Plutarch said the Victor's village was the only place they left untouched,"
"Typical," I muttered,
"You got that right," Peeta snorted, "The only place in the District that was truly owned and controlled by the Capitol, of course they would choose to preserve it,"
Admittedly, I was curious. I had never stepped foot inside the Victor's village before. I had only seen the large houses from a distance in passing. But now I found myself intrigued, I was eager to see how and where Peeta had been living in the last year.
Peeta held my hand as we navigated the rough terrain with Cressida and her camera crew following us. We passed the market and the hob which had all burned to ash and splinters of wood. As we passed, Peeta told me that it wasn't torched during the bombing but Peacekeepers had destroyed the hob months earlier when Snow had begun to tighten his reins on the Districts. The coal mines had collapsed in on themselves, the seam was decimated, and the town obliterated.
My heart bled for the people that suffered here. They were certainly thorough, they had left no one alive. I took another deep breath and forced myself to move forwards.
We were coming close to what looked like used to be the centre of town, the Justice Building was the only building still half standing, but the half that had served as a home to Mayor Undersee and his family was not, "Madge," I gasped and mourned for my old friend. I wondered if she were trapped inside there while the bombs fell.
"I'm sure she didn't suffer, it was probably very quick and painless." Peeta, as always, seemed to read me like a book and reassured my unaired thoughts. Though I didn't believe what he said, I was grateful that he tried.
"Katniss, who's Madge?" Cressida asked
"Madge Undersee was the Mayor's daughter and she was my friend. Other than Gale and my sister, she was pretty much my only friend,"
"She died in the bombing?"
"I hope that by some miracle she got out and is hiding somewhere and living safe," I shrugged, "but that seems unlikely,"
"Did you come to see her often?" This time it was Peeta who asked the question,
"Not really, once or twice. But the longest I was ever inside was when... that day,"
Peeta nodded, instantly understanding. "Do you mean your reaping day?" Cressida asked, "The day you volunteered for the Hunger Games in your sisters place and the day Peeta was reaped,"
I nodded, "Yes," I swallowed the lump in my throat, "We were taken inside into separate rooms where we were given a few minutes to say goodbye to our families."
"Who visited you, Peeta?" Cressida asked, turning the attention onto Peeta for a minute
"My dad, my mom and brothers," I thought I heard his voice crack slightly mentioning them, their deaths were still raw to him, "and my friend Delly,"
"Delly Cartwright? She survived and is living in Thirteen now is that right?"
"Yes, she managed to get out with some of the others," he nodded,
"Who came to see you off, Katniss? Was it your mother, Prim and Gale?" she guessed correctly, I nodded, "Did Madge visit too?" she asked
"Yes, she was the one who gave me the Mockingjay pin," I answered
"So Madge is the one we have to thank for our symbol?" Cressida smiled
"Yeah, I guess so,"
"Was there anybody else?" I did have another prisoner, I hadn't even told Peeta this yet, I wasn't sure if he knew about it.
"Just one more person," I said and turned to Peeta, "Your father came to visit me," I told him,
"He did?" Peeta smiled as if the thought brought him comfort,
"Yes, he brought me cookies and promised to take care of Prim for me while I was away. I can't believe I haven't even thanked him for that yet,"
"I'm sure he knows already," Peeta reassured me, "besides you've had a lot going on,"
"I know, but that's no excuse, remind me when we get home will you?" I asked
"Of course,"
We continued onwards, slowly approaching the site where the bakery once stood. Peeta's old home. There was not a lot left to the building, besides charred bricks and collapsed roof. I heard Peeta suck in a sharp breath. His mother and brothers were probably inside when all this happened.
"I'm so sorry, Peeta," I told him and squeezed his hand reassuringly. He doesn't answer immediately, he stood tall looking over the debris with tears in his eyes.
"This was your family home, Peeta?" Cressida asked
"Yes, this was the Mellark Bakery where they lived and worked, for several generations if I'm correct," this time I answered on Peeta's behalf, he shot me a quick glance of appreciation.
I spotted the tree where I sat the night I almost starved to death, it was miraculously still in tact. It was where I first took any real notice of Peeta, the first time he saved my life by throwing me that bread. He saved me and my family from starvation. From that moment on I became a walking contradiction, part of me believing I was ignoring his very existence whilst simultaneously taking in everything about him, completely unaware. I didn't want to share that story with strangers. That was private. Ours.
"We're going to make this right," Peeta broke his silence suddenly, "I won't allow any of these deaths to be in vein,"
"Neither will I," I agreed
We moved on, Peeta paused as we passed the old school building. He lead me to a spot, told me to wait there a moment as he moved a few yards away. I shot him a questioning glance, "What are you doing?" I was half amused by his antics and half confused. Mostly I just missed his hand in mine.
"Right here," he said, "this is roughly where I was standing and that was exactly the spot where you were standing,"
"What are you talking about?" I laughed nervously,
"The very first time I saw you?"
I smiled at him, "That's crazy! You can remember the very first time you saw me?"
"How could I possibly forget?" he came back over to me with a smile so wide it was infectious,
"It was our first day of school, Dad was walking us to school that day, my brothers had ran off ahead and already gone into the building, but I was hesitating a little because I was nervous, but then I saw you standing here with your dad, he was smiling at you telling you something that made you giggle, you were wearing this cute little red dress."
I gasped, "I remember that," tears sprung in my eyes, I loved that Peeta had reawoken that memory. "I was also suffering from first day jitters, my dad told me a silly joke to take my mind off it,"
"My dad asked me if I was alright, and I told him that I thought you were an angel as you were the prettiest person I had ever seen, my dad laughed saying 'oh boy' then told me that he used to think your mom was the prettiest person he'd ever seen and wanted to marry her one day," he grinned, "but alas that wasn't to be, my dad knew that she fell in love with your dad the day she heard him sing in class. My dad said that your dad had such a kind heart and when he sang, the birds all stopped to listen, it was no wonder she was bewitched by him."
Silent tears continued to roll down my cheeks. I had almost forgotten the sound of my dad singing, but I remember the effect it had on me. I loved to listen to him sing, we would often sing together. I knew that mom loved to hear him sing too, after he died I didn't sing very much anymore, and when I did, it was only to help sooth Prim. I stopped because I felt I no longer had a reason to sing, my heart was no longer in it, but also because I knew it was just a painful memory for mom. She was pretty much a ghost at that point anyway, I didn't want to be the reason she disappeared any further.
"On that same day we had a music class," Peeta continued his story, "your dad must have done a good job at calming your nerves because when the teacher asked if anyone knew the Valley song, you stuck your right up in the air." he chuckled to himself "You stood up and began to sing it alone and when you did the birds outside the classroom fell silent and just like your mom was bewitched by your dad, I was bewitched by you. At only 5 years old I knew my heart belonged to you."
I didn't care that the cameras were on me, in that moment I fell in love with Peeta all over again. He had this way to disarm me and break down all my walls with his words, did he know how much power he had over me? It may have taken many more years for me to realise and accept it, but he had bewitched me too with his kindness and selflessness. I took a step closer to him and held him close. How could I have ever ignored the way I felt about him? How did it take me so long to realise how much he meant to me and how deeply I cared about him? It took nearly losing my mind to admit it to myself, admit that I was in love with him. I was a stupid, selfish, stubborn girl.
We made our way to the Victors Village, still standing arrogantly tall and untouched by the bombs. Peeta took us inside his home and I took it all in. It smelled like him and it was cosy, either they tailored it just for him or he redecorated because it felt very much like Peeta. I tried to imagine the life he was given after winning the games. Was he happy here? Was he lonely? Was he driven mad by all he had seen in the arena like I was? All questions I suddenly wanted the answers to.
Luckily there was no power at all in the area which hopefully meant all the bugs were tapped out too. Castor and Pollux scanned the area with strange devices and they gave a quick nod to Cressida, giving it the all clear. Cressida then asked where Peeta would think we would be the most comfortable for our interview, he suggested the dining room and he showed them the way with Effie following their trail. She was looking more herself after being given access to some finer clothing and make up. She was still missing the wig, but you could tell it was her now. Just a more natural looking version of her. She was actually really pretty underneath all that, I wondered why she fell to the Capitols standards of "beauty" when her naturally beautiful face was lurking beneath.
Left alone in the hallway, the curiosity was getting the better of me so I decided to explore the rest of Peeta's home. I headed up the stairs and wondered why there was an unnecessary amount of doors for one person. I started poking my head into the different rooms. A large bathroom, a small bedroom, a larger bedroom which I knew right away would have been Peeta's bedroom, his scent lingered in here the strongest. I took in the large 4 poster bed and wondered when the last time he slept in it. I tiptoed over and touched the sheets, it was as soft as the bedding you'd find in the Capitol, nothing like what you'd find anywhere else in District Twelve. Something stirred in me seeing his bed, a deep desire, a hunger I'd never felt before. I wished for something, I'd never wished for before and I felt my face flush at the thought of it.
After the mansion I didn't think I'd ever have those kinds of thoughts, but with Peeta, my Peeta. The man I loved, who had loved me most of his life. Why couldn't I have that with him? It's what normal couples do right? I glanced at the wall on the far end of the room and saw he had painted a mural on it of large sunset peeking through a green forest. It was beautiful. It was like he had captured both of our souls into this one image. My desire flared for him once again.
For a brief moment I imagined us having a life together here, there was no Hunger Games, we shared this bed each evening free of the nightmares that plagued us. We were free to give in to our desires without me becoming a drooling mess... I didn't want to leave this room, it made me feel at peace.
I took one last look at the mural on the way out before exploring the last room. The first thing I smelt upon entering the room was paint, an easel was set up in front of a desk and shelves filled with painting supplies and blank canvases. On the other side of the room canvases were lined up in a row, I could see splashes of color along the edges, so I figured these were completed paintings he had done. I wanted to look at them, but it felt like an invasion of privacy somehow.
"It's okay, you can look," Peeta's voice startled me, I whirled around like a kid who had been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I didn't hear him approach, I was off my game, "You told me all about your nightmares, you're certainly privy to mine," he said
"Are you sure?" I asked
"I want you to know me," Peeta said, "all of me, you need to see the ugly side of that too, I won't hide it from you, but I won't blame you if you go running from the hills either," he said with a sad smile
"There is nothing ugly about you, Peeta,"
With his permission I looked at each canvas. The use of color and the detail was remarkable, I knew Peeta had some talent as an artist, but this was incredible. The subject matters, however, were pretty disturbing. They mostly consisted of nightmarish scenes from our Hunger Games. Some were literal images captured that were straight out of my own nightmares from the arena, and some were exaggerated, more abstract works which is how Peeta's mind processed them. Each one of them made my stomach flip.
I found a couple of Cato, it didn't even look like the same person anymore. Peeta accurately captured the rage Cato held behind his eyes and that over inflated self-confidence he once had, but that was the Cato that neither of us could ever have been friends with. He had evolved into a better human being now.
I moved on to another set of canvases, there were a lot of paintings of me from different ages and stages of my life, not just from the Games. He had painted the moment he described to me earlier where I was singing in class on the first day of school in the red dress, he painted me walking in town with my dad which brought a tear to my eye, it was so detailed. He painted me a little older, a little more sad and a little more cynical. He had painted me that day outside the bakery when I was starving and scavenging for food.
He painted so many of me at the Capitol, on the train, the interviews, at the training centre and then I got to the ones in the arena. There were many from inside the cave.
I looked to Peeta, "I couldn't get you off my mind," he said. He wasn't embarrassed in the slightest that I was going through all of these creations he had done of me.
I came across some of my family, and of Gale. There was one of Gale, Peeta and Prim sitting around a dinner table smiling. I wished I had seen these moments for real and I hoped one day they could get that camaraderie back and I could join them.
"These are…" I didn't know what to say, they stirred up so many different emotions. But regardless they were incredible, "Wow," was all I could muster.
"I painted my nightmares to stop them having power over me," he said,
"Did it work?" I asked
He pulled out one last canvas that I had missed, I couldn't make out what the image was meant to be as it had been shredded, "Sometimes," he replied, "but this one, this one was by the worst. As soon as I put this one to paper I destroyed it, hoping it'd stop haunting me,"
"And did it stop?" I asked
"Never,"
"What was it?" I was afraid of the answer
"You, in the arena, dead," he seemed to be struggling to hold back tears, "Losing you... Katniss... was the hardest thing..."
I put my arms around him to give him all the comfort that I could, seeing his painted nightmares again was hard for him, "I'm not lost anymore thanks to you," I whispered, "At least not completely," I added sadly, "but I'll get better, I promise,"
"I don't think I'd could survive it again," he buried his face into my neck, and I just held him. I had become used to his touch now. I was so relieved that it didn't set off that panic in me. I just hoped that one day I could work past it properly and not crumble under anyone's touch and so that I could live up to that promise I just made.
"Peeta? Katniss? We're ready," Cressida's voice called from downstairs
"Just a minute!" I called down, Peeta's eyes had become a little red so I led him into the bathroom and I used a washcloth with some warm water and cleansed his face. There was something so intimate about the action that made me feel closer to him. I guess I knew the answers to my questions now, he was suffering, but he wasn't lonely at least, he had Gale and Prim. The picture he painted of the 3 of them was beautiful. Why did Gale have to be so pig-headed? I could tell Peeta missed having him as a friend and I knew that under all that male bravado, Gale missed Peeta too.
"I love the painting on your bedroom wall, by the way," I told him as we headed back out into the hallway, "I think that one is my favourite," Peeta took my hand and linked his fingers between mine and pulled them up to his lips and kissed them softly. I could tell he appreciated that I understood the significance of the mural.
When we joined the others in the dining room, everything was already set up, Effie was seated one side with two chairs waiting for me and Peeta on the other side all turned out slightly facing the cameras. We took our seats and Cressida asked if we were ready to begin, Peeta looked to me for my go ahead, just as I looked to him for his, we each gave a small nod.
"Very well," Cressida smiled, "Right then, Effie, we are ready in 3, 2..." she motioned the 1 with her finger and Effie took her cue
"Hello, I'm Effie Trinket and I was the Hunger Games escort for District Twelve, I left everything I loved behind in the Capitol when these two brave young souls, our Mockingjays, Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen, showed us everything that was wrong with the world we were living in. I could no longer sit by and watch as children were needlessly killed year after year." She began, "Today I sit with them, our star-crossed lovers, reunited after a going through such awful trials and tribulations and we can finally hear their story, from their own mouths,"
She turned away from the camera then and turned to us, "Peeta, tell me how happy were you to be reunited again with Katniss,"
"Happy isn't the word I would use, exactly," Peeta said, "I mean yes... I am incredibly happy to be reunited with her, but it's not nearly strong enough to describe how it makes me feel. I spent a whole year believing that she was dead, I mourned her. I'm absolutely terrified any time I let her out of my sight now, so while its incredible to have her back with us and that does make me happy, it's a silver lining in a very black cloud right now with everything else that's going on in Panem. I don't think we'll ever be truly happy until we make things right, until the storm passes."
"Everyone is dying to know, what is the status of your relationship now?" she asked like a gossip queen television presenter, but she knew this would be how she appeals to the folks in the Capitol, "though from your joined hands I think I could take a guess," she gestured to our linked fingers
Peeta looked at me with a smile, he going to make me answer this one. I may be okay with admitting my feelings to myself and to him but announcing it on TV wasn't really my thing, and he knew this. But still he waited for my answer like he didn't want to make any assumptions about where we stood, "We've never really had the chance to define what we are to each other," I told her, "but I'm in love with him, and he's in love with me," I sounded so awkward. I was not good with words, that was Peeta's forte
"Can we assume that you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend then?" Effie asked excitedly,
"Again Effie, I don't think that the terms boyfriend or girlfriend are really strong enough to capture what we mean to each other," Peeta told her, "Our connection is much deeper than that,"
"Do you think that's because of what you've been through together?" she asked
"That's definitely a large part of the reason," Peeta nodded,
"So if not boyfriend or girlfriend, do you consider yourselves engaged to be wed?"
My mouth dropped open in horror, Peeta laughed, "Slow down, Effie, before you send her to running for the hills." he turned to face me, "It doesn't much matter to me how we define our relationship, I just hope that whatever future awaits us, we're in it together for as long as you'll have me."
"Peeta, we know much about your feelings for Katniss, the when, the why and the how's. And you often talked about how strong your feelings were when you emerged as Victor. But Katniss, when did you start to feel something back for Peeta?" she asked,
I should have expected this question, but at the same time I didn't and it caught me off guard. All these confessionals about love made me feel uncomfortable, but we were still playing the game to win over people in this war. I knew the best way to play was by giving them my honesty. "It look a long time for me to understand what it was I felt about Peeta," I admitted it, there was no need or reason to hide this now, "During our Tribute interviews at the 74th annual games, he announced to the world that he was in love with me and that he had been for years and I was completely blindsided by the confession. I considered every possibility for why he said such a thing; was he trying to lure me into a false sense of security so that he could kill me easier? Was he just trying to get sympathy sponsors? Was he telling the truth? I didn't understand his motives or know what to believe and I didn't know where I truly stood with him,"
"So you had no feelings for him then?"
"That's a very complicated answer," I replied
"How can that be complicated?" she queried
"Because at the time if you had asked I would have cried hell no,"
"If I recall, your reaction to my announcement was similar to a 'hell no'," Peeta smirked,
"Yes, I also recall it wasn't your finest moment," Effie added, giving me a playful stern look before getting back on track to the question, "So at the time you would have said there were no feelings for Peeta involved for you at all, but now you would say...?"
"It was there, and I suppose it had been for a while, before the reaping even. It was just buried deep, or I was too stupid to acknowledge it, probably a little of both. I don't know."
"Okay so we thought we were seeing you falling in love on screen, those moments in the cave. Was that real?"
"Again, at the time... I thought I was playing along just to survive. We needed those sponsors. I needed those sponsors" I corrected myself, I was much more selfish back then.
"But you were falling for him for real?"
"In that cave, all I knew was that Peeta was my ally, we had been given a rare opportunity for us both to survive. But seeing him with that fever... I'd seen mom fail to treat patients like that back home without medicine. I was terrified that he might die. It became an irrational fear that I couldn't understand, I didn't know why I needed him to live so badly."
"Which is why you risked your life to go to the cornucopia to fetch the medicine, even though you knew it was a ploy from the Game Makers to force the tributes together for another bloodbath and why you ultimately sacrificed yourself for him."
"I think so. Obviously my heart knew more than my head. Being in that cave was such a strange experience for me. No romantic feelings for Peeta ever crossed my mind because I had trained myself to ignore them, I never wanted a romantic connection with anyone, I saw how my mom fell apart after my dad died, I never wanted that to be me. I never wanted to fall in love, grow up and get married only to inevitably have children who would have to take part in the reaping's. Peeta had presented me with a way for us both to survive, that love story angle, so I took advantage of it, I felt like I was using him and playing with his emotions, I didn't like how that made me feel."
I looked at Peeta expecting to see some kind of hurt portrayed there on his face, but it was as if he had already anticipated this answer, "It wasn't until I was taken, especially those first few months in the hospital when I was alone, I had nothing but time to analyse everything and all my feelings and I was able to admit it to myself. I wasn't sure when it started or where it came from. But one day I just knew it was there and it was powerful and painful all at once. I was in love with Peeta Mellark and I had been for a long time."
"How was it painful?" she asked, seeming genuinely confused, I didn't expect her to understand this much. Effie had most definitely grown as person, but she still had a lot to learn.
"Since my dad died I didn't want to let anyone else in, I didn't want to experience that pain of losing anyone else, I didn't want to end up like my mom, so I kept my circle as small as possible," I explained, "When I finally realized my feelings for Peeta, I had already lost him. I didn't think I'd ever see him again and it hurt so much,"
"Just like your mom?" Effie asked
"Loving Peeta was worth all the pain I felt when I thought I had lost him. He is one of the most beautiful souls I know and it's a privilege to love and to be loved by him," I had never told Peeta this before but there was nothing but admiration in his eyes at this moment, "As they say, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. The hardest pill to swallow was the regret I felt for lying to myself for so long. I promised myself that if I ever saw him again I wouldn't ever waste that time again and that I'd tell him how I feel and never let him go,"
"And she did," Peeta smiled, charming as always, "this time, I was the one blindsided by it. I never thought that when she was ready to open herself up to those kinds of emotions that they would be reserved for me," he didn't elaborate further, but I knew he thought it would be Gale.
"Beautiful." Effie beamed, "You have both been through so much, you deserve some happiness,"
"Thank you, Effie," I smiled,
"I know this will be very hard for you, but we need to talk about your captivity Katniss, Panem needs to understand the true evil President Snow and his friend are capable of, I know this is a terribly delicate subject, but could you tell us, in your own words, what you went through this last year," Effie asked with apologetic eyes.
Peeta squeezed my hand gently in encouragement. I pretended the camera wasn't there and just focused on Effie and Peeta's calming presence besides me.
I began telling her about my many months in the hospital room at the mansion, Seneca's visit, the healing process, my attempts at escaping and how I tried to end my life on multiple occasions which delayed my arrival into the main part of the mansion with the others. I told her how the entire time my thoughts we were with Peeta and my family and I told her how scared I was.
I talked about Snow giving me a tour around the mansion himself and how it seemed to be like a game to him, like we were entertainment. I gave details about our daily lives in there and gave some information about my unlikely friendship with Cato.
"I was exclusive to one client," I began slowly, I wasn't willing to share too much about this point, but I couldn't avoid it, it was crucial in turning the people against the Capitol, "His name was Percival Fisk, he and his wife would do unspeakable things to me that I don't care to repeat," I explained.
I had to pause, I felt that panic rising. I shut my eyes and took a few deep breaths and mentally repeated my mantra.
"Katniss was abused, mentally, physically and sexually by a truly sadistic individual," Peeta explained for me, knowing that I was struggling, "It's left her with trauma that she'll have to live with for the rest of her life, but hopefully with her family and friends and me at her side she knows that she doesn't have to go through any of it alone anymore, and we will help her through it. Day by day she is getting stronger and she is preparing to fight so that no one else has to suffer the way she and the other fallen Tributes did."
"That goes for the Tributes who did die, and all of the Victors too," I added, "We're all victims, but not just us, everyone in the Districts are stripped of their basic needs and rights. We deserve to do more than just survive, it's time we stop living in fear and start living."
"Thank you for your candor, Katniss. Peeta, we've talked at length about Katniss's year but what about yours? Most of Panem saw those speeches and your interviews, what was going through your mind?" she asked
"Katniss. Always Katniss." He replied easily, "I kept thinking about what she would say. What would she do if she were in my shoes? Would she understand if I just read the scripts that Snow kept giving me to keep myself alive, even though I didn't believe in them? Or would she be disappointed in me for not using my new platform to right a wrong and to stand up and say what I truly believed in. I guess I couldn't live with disappointing her or myself. I had to do what I believed was right,"
"I was so mad at you at the time," Effie confessed with a chuckle, "You kept ignoring everything I asked you to do, but I'm so glad you did. It helped me open my eyes,"
"I hope it helped more than just you," he replied
"Which brings me to my final question, Katniss, Peeta, what Panem needs to know, if it's not obvious by now, is why are you standing with the rebels?"
"Snow can't keep getting away with the awful crimes he commits, the murders, the abuse, the torturing." I growled
"And we want to bring peace to all of Panem, lift the districts out of poverty and suffering so that we can all live full and happy lives." Peeta put it more eloquently than I ever could.
"Thank you both for sharing your truths," she concluded, "I have been Effie Trinket, speaking to you from District Twelve,"
Cressida stopped the cameras rolling, she seemed excited about the footage she'd captured today.
"Can we go now?" I asked
Cressida nodded with a smile, "Yes, we'll meet you back on the aircraft in an hour... maybe two. You did well today, both of you."
I wanted to take Peeta somewhere I had only ever gone with one other person before, my father. Not even Gale had been. I never thought I'd see it again but it was my favorite place to go and think, the lake. I knew we didn't have the time today to hike there, enjoy it for a while and be back within 2 hours. How I would love to show Peeta the lake, take him where my father used to take me. Teach him to swim in the height of summer to cool off and teach him to ice skate on it when it was frozen over in winter. I hoped one day when all this is over, we could come back, rebuild and be left alone to live out the rest of our lives without anymore horror or bloodshed.
Instead of the lake I led Peeta out towards the meadow. It was left untouched. Wildflowers had bloomed. I hadn't been here in so long either, it was looking so beautiful. I inhaled a deep breath of fresh air. Might as well make the most of it seeing as we'd soon be returning to the less than fresh recycled air of District Thirteen. I let it fill my lungs.
We sat down in the grass together talking, for a moment we forgot about the state of the world around us and hid in a bubble. We asked each other silly questions like chocolate or vanilla? Like a normal teenage couple. And just like a normal teenage couple the talking turned to kissing, soon we were laying on our sides kissing some more, the feel of Peeta's hand on my waist was intoxicating. He pulled me closer to him and his hand moved up my back but under my shirt. He pulled back a moment to ask if all this was okay, and whether it was too much. I shook my head not wanting to break the spell. from his chest down to his knees I felt all of him pressed up against me.
I was both thrilled and terrified. I wanted more, but I wanted to stop. I wanted him on top of me, but I wanted to run. My heart started pounding faster and instantly Peeta became aware of this and stopped for both of us.
"Katniss, when that becomes too much for you, you need to stop and tell me. I am no okay with causing you any unnecessary pain," he scolded me
"Peeta, I love you and I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. I should be able to give you what a normal girlfriend can. I want to be normal for you. And I really do want you so much. It's just... I know I'm not in any danger with you, so why can't I do this? "
"Hey now," Peeta stroked my hair, "we don't need to rush any of this, like you said we have the rest of our lives to try Katniss. Screw normal, I just want you, whatever that means for us."
"But what if we can never... I mean what if I can't ever give you..."
"You think that matters to me? I'm not going anywhere, if its not with you, then it's not worth having. I had already considered the fact that you might never be ready, but I don't care about that, I care about you,"
"One day you might change your mind," I whimper
"No. I won't. Katniss, why are you suddenly pushing for this?" he asked, "Have I said something that's made you feel pressured at all?" his face was desperate, trying to figure out how he had hurt me when in fact this was all on me. "I know we haven't really discussed sex yet but we're still just getting used to you being okay with my touch, I figured it would be all baby steps,"
"It's nothing you said, I promise," I sat up wrapping my arms around my knees, "Please, just forget I said anything,"
"I can't do that," he lifted my chin gently to get me to look at him, "Because I love you too much, please tell me what's going through that beautiful head of yours,"
I had never imagined having to have a conversation like this with anyone, it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable as hell, why did I have to say anything at all?
"Katniss, please don't shut me out," Peeta pleaded, and those words broke my resolve, I couldn't deny him anything. He wouldn't make me feel embarrassed about anything I said to him, though it didn't make me feel any less embarrassed about having to say it aloud.
"I was in your bedroom earlier and staring at your bed imagining you being in it, whether you felt lonely in that big house alone and it stirred something up making me feel things and want things that I had never felt or wanted before. I began to imagine us together in your bed tangled up in the sheets. I imagined what it would be like being able to give into our desires without a worry or a care of me turning into a basket case. And then I saw that mural, it was us, you painted us in that picture you know. I wanted it, Peeta, I still want it. I want it all. With you. I want to give you what you need, I can't lose you again if I can't do that for you. Especially when you know that I'm not a... that... you know what happened, that I've had..."
"Stop. Stop talking." Peeta snapped, I had never heard him sound like that before, "Do you think I am threatened by the sexual experience you gained through your abuse?" he was angry, I don't think I've seen him get angry like this. I made him angry, "if that's what you think of me... you need to stop that right now. Have I ever said anything to you to make you think that way?"
"No!" I cried, "I was rambling, I didn't mean it like that..."
"Then what do you mean?" his voice softened
"I'm sorry I don't know what I'm saying. It's just my own insecurities running wild. I'm just so terrified that something comes between us because of what I went through and I lose you."
"How many times today have I told you I can't stand the idea of losing you again either? Don't concern yourself with what you think my needs are because all I need is you. Just you." Peeta said, "That's not me saying that I don't want you badly. Because I do... that dream of yours, that beautiful, incredible dream you just described to me? I want it all too and to hear that you're thinking about that with me does more to me than I care to admit right now. But we have to work our way up to it in our own time, when and if you're ready. Either way you're stuck with me. As for that monster who defiled you, do you think for one second that I believe anything he did to you was giving you any kind of sexual experience?"
I shook my head,
"Good. Believe me Katniss, if we ever get to share that experience together it will be nothing like that, you will feel safe and loved. I'm not threatened by him, the only thing I'm threatened by is my intense desire to kill him for what he did to you, so much so that it scares me,"
"Peeta, I'm so sorry I put all that on you, I love you so much, I'm an idiot when it comes to this stuff,"
"Believe it or not it's all new to me too, but we'll work it all out together. Okay?"
I nodded, "Do you hate me now?"
"I could never hate you, Katniss," he kissed my temple, "Not even dislike you a little. But please can you promise me that when it becomes too much for you, you stop, we need to take it slow or it might never happen."
"How did you know?" I asked
"Know what?"
"That I was starting to panic? You stopped us earlier,"
"I could feel your heart pounding against my chest, it started beating too fast for my liking," he placed his hand over my heart, "it's precious to me you know, I've got to look after it,"
We laid back down into the grass, Peeta on his back one arm under his head, the other wrapped around my waist, I laid on my side and nestled my head into the crook of his neck with my arm draped over his stomach. "I know how uncomfortable that was for you, but I'm glad you shared that with me," Peeta said after a beat, "It's nice to know you're thinking about that kind of stuff, because of what you've been through it's something I would never have brought up until you did. To be truly honest, I didn't think it would come up for a long while, but you caught me by surprise today it's very alluring and a massive turn on," he shot me a sly smile that made my cheeks flush red, "and it gives me hope that we will be able to make that dream of yours come true one day,"
We laid in the meadow a while longer, in a comfortable silence, each of us mulling around in our own thoughts, "We need to start heading back now," Peeta said eventually, breaking the illusion of peace and freedom.
Part of me didn't want to go back. How tempting it would be to just run off with him now and find our own happiness in the wilderness. We could survive alone together. Peeta looked into my eyes and could practically see my thoughts, "You know we have our friends and family waiting for us, they're counting on us," he said, "You know we have to see this thing through,"
We got to our feet and Peeta took my hand, "I know, but sometimes I think the burden of it all might be too much to bear, I'm just glad I'm with you,"
"Together," he promised, "Just like any normal girlfriend would,"
"Wait... what?"
"You think I didn't catch that earlier huh? Calling yourself my girlfriend?" he smirked
"I thought we were beyond labels like that," I muttered,
"Hey those we're your words not mine" he held a hand up innocently and smiled widely.
With a heavy sigh I followed him back to the aircraft. Peeta chuckled.
When we returned Bogg's was speaking through his communication device clearly panicked, when his eyes landed on us he looked both relieved and scared.
"They've returned now but I'm not sure she's ready for that just yet, and she's been through no official training either," he said
He met my eyes as we boarded, "I understand that ma'am," he spoke again, "Field practise? This is highly unorthodox... with all due respect I'm not disobeying my orders ma'am, I'm just hoping you've thought this through... I apologise ma'am... yes ma'am... we're on our way."
"Everything okay?" Peeta asked
"There's been emergency contact from District Eight," he began, "Some of our rebels are currently stationed there and they're under attack. President Coin wants the Mockingjay Six out there,"
"What? Now?!" Peeta cried
"Unfortunately, yes," Boggs didn't seem too pleased by this order either, "I don't want the two of you to leave my side the entire time, I need to ensure your safety. You got that?" We both nodded, "Your friends will be meeting us there,"
We took our seats as Boggs gave the new orders to the pilot and then joined us, "Strap in kids," he said, "We're going to District Eight,"