Krista snapped her eyes open, gasping for air and clutching her chest. Her eyes scanned the room. Ymir was snoring away, one hand hanging off the bunk above her. Mikasa held her scarf, tightly in her hands, eyes clenched tightly, whispering unheard words. Mina was turned away from Krista and the many other girls in her cabin were comfortably sleeping away.
The blonde girl sighed and stared at the window. It was still pitch black. She wiped off the sweat on her forehead before sneaking out of the room.
She found herself in the bathroom, eyeing her reflection in the mirror. The light from her lantern shined off her. Faint hints of eyebags highlighted her face and her hair was in complete disarray. She hadn't been able to get a full night of sleep for over a month and it was driving her insane.
The dreams she found herself in were strange to say the least. At some points she would find herself in front of a vast expanse of water, the horizon extending beyond with no end. Sometimes she was alone, other times she held a child. The child had bright golden locks with beautiful green eyes. Other scenarios she had found herself sitting down in front of the same place, next to that man again. His face was mostly obscured by his shoulder-length brown hair. She found herself stuck in that position, trying her hardest to peek at the man's features.
The most interesting dream just found her staring in front of a mirror. She saw a blonde woman staring back at her. The woman's hair was tied in a bun. Her face was similar to Krista's own, except it was shaped more sharply. The woman held a more mature aura and her eyes were oddly melancholic. Krista didn't want to make any assumptions, but if she had to guess, the woman staring back at her was well... her, but older.
The woman reached her hand out, extending it outside the mirror and caressing Krista's face. Krista couldn't move, only gasp at the oddly warm and gentle touch of the woman's soft hand. A small smile graced the woman's beautiful face.
"Do you remember?"
Those were the words that parted her older self's mouth before the dream abruptly ended, with her bursting up from her bed, sweating like she never had before.
Krista stared at herself in the mirror, her senses snapping back to her current location. Recalling those words, the foreign sensations were creeping back into her body. The feelings weren't new, she had felt them before.
The first time was when she laid her eyes on Eren Yeager. Her heart for some reason ached slightly at the sight of him. She had felt her palms getting sweaty and small shivers erupted through her body.
The next time was when she stood in front of him, the two of them introducing themselves to each other. When he told her he came from Shiganshina, a painful overwhelming urge to hug him tightly invaded her mind and body. When her senses returned, she had tried to invite him to eat with her. In response, he had rejected her. To say she was disappointed was an understatement. She shouldn't have felt that way, but she wanted to drag him to her table, smack the top of his head, and call him a crybaby while ruffling his hair.
How very unladylike of her.
She splashed water onto her face, scrubbing vigorously. 'Maybe I'm truly going insane.'
She had tried avoiding him as much as she could but somehow her eyes always found him. Every time their gaze met, she would always be the first to wave. He waved back before turning his attention away and the strange sensation that were grating her nerves returned.
Whenever Eren got paired with Annie Leonhart during hand-to-hand combat, watching them fight and talk rather casually made her blood boil for unknown reasons. Watching the other blonde girl smile softly at something he said and tuck a bang behind her ear made Krista want to march up and strangle her, death wish or not.
The thought of Eren with another woman made bile surge up to her throat. She gripped the sink so tightly her knuckles turned white.
Before she knew it, her dinner was emptied into the trash can right next to her. Krista felt herself shaking, tremors running through her body. She moved back to the sink, staring herself in the mirror.
Tears were running down her eyes, her lips quivering uncontrollably.
What the hell was happening to her?
The bad habit was returning again. Without Historia and Carla to keep his mind away from the trauma of the Rumbling, he found himself alone in the forest, at the same spot he buried his notes for later events. He sat back against the tree, leaning his back on the "X".
He stared at the moon, shining brightly and lighting up the darkness.
Small incisions with a kitchen knife were dragged across his skin. First his fingers, then his wrists, followed up by his forearms. He was careful to avoid any veins he saw, making only shallow cuts. He watched expressionlessly as the cuts closed themselves up almost immediately, steam rising from the wound site.
Eren didn't know how long he sat there, cutting himself and healing, murmuring "monster" repeatedly. Eventually he looked to his left, at the doll he was given a few weeks ago. Picking it up, he thumbed across the smooth fabric of the doll's dress.
Carla held her doll in her hands, making it dance before him. "Papa! Papa! Play with me!"
"Alright. Don't I get to use your other one?" Eren smirked slyly, pointing to his daughter's only extra doll.
"Nuh uh! You have to get your own!"
"You should share with Papa you know. I was the one who got you Mrs. Sherry. So she's really mine if you think about it." Eren raised a brow in amusement. Carla pouted, pulling her doll closer to her chest.
"NO! IT'S MINE!"
Eren raised his hands up in surrender. "Alright, but can I still use the other one? I don't have time to get my own."
Carla pulled the cute thinking face she gets when she's contemplating something very important, in this case, sharing a doll.
"All right Papa." She sighed, going to hand him her extra doll.
He ruffled her soft, golden locks and kissed her temple gently. "Thank you."
From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Historia roll her eyes from the couch. A smile made its way across his face.
The shining glint in her eyes and small smirk were all the indications he needed...
To know that all the love was there.
Fatherhood was something he never really saw himself partaking in. As a young boy with ambitions to be free of the Walls trapping him, he never really focused much on women. Mikasa was his only female companion in his childhood days, but the girl was normally so stoic and soft-spoken that he found it difficult to engage in conversation with her. Not to mention how she was actively against his desire to leave the Walls, ratting him out to his mother was only one of the many times she rejected his desire to escape and explore.
He avoided many female cadets during his time training to fight Titans. The only one that held his attention was Annie and her fighting techniques. She had impressed him enough for him to sometimes seek her out for lessons. Of course, finding out she was responsible for calling Dina and many other Titans to slaughter his people and mother, was a revelation that turned off all prospects of her being a partner of any kind, unless absolutely necessary.
Which led to the only girl who he saw himself sharing a future with, the one who he left behind too early. He remembered forcing his will into Kruger.
Make a family.
A memory for his younger self to view and reflect on.
There was a double meaning that Eren put into Kruger's words. For both for him and his father. Grisha had treated Zeke like shit and that nearly led to him getting killed. His father had improved and rectified his mistakes with Eren himself, giving him the life he never gave Zeke.
Eren did everything he could to raise Carla correctly, treating her with love and respect. He knew how easily the sins of the father could ruin lives, with Rod, with Annie's father, with his grandfather, and with Grisha.
It wasn't easy. There were times that Carla would drive him nearly insane with her crying. That along with his fresh trauma of completing the Rumbling didn't help either. Historia pulled him through, at times taking care of him and Carla at the same time. He hated being a burden to her, but he loved her more and more the longer they spent raising their child.
Carla Ymir Yeager was a bundle of energy. Just the sight her toothy grin took his breath away. Historia's suggestion to have a child was a surprise to him, but he gave in. The selfish part of him wanted to leave something behind, to leave his legacy behind. For he was born into the world so it made sense that he left an imprint of himself before he died. But there was more to it...
He had recalled walking with Historia on the farm two months after she had become Queen. She talked about what he wanted to do if he met Reiner and Bertolt again. He said he had to kill them. It was his duty to kill them, not ever his desire. They were once his precious comrades and he had shared many memories of them together. When Historia had then mentioned the children they were fighting for, he realized his heart felt lighter. For he was doing something because he wanted to. To protect those orphans. She was amazing, he had meant every word he told her.
The subject of children had returned to that moment she asked him on the farm. Even if he was fighting for his home and his friends, his duty, the very idea of slaughtering so many was hard to swallow. Historia became the tipping point for him, she gave him the push he needed, for he knew he would never sacrifice his own child and repeat the mistakes of his father and grandfather. In their eagerness to fulfill their roles, they had betrayed their children. He had then recalled Kruger's words, understanding its true meaning. Make a family, love someone inside the walls, protect them to not repeat the same cycle of errors. Every moment he had with Historia made him realize that she was worth it.
She had become his desire.
His duty had separated from his desire, as Historia had from his friends. He didn't see her as his friend anymore, she was much more. It was either thinking of his friends or thinking of her. She was his priority then, along with the life she carried.
The night was awkward to say the least. They didn't have any experience with sex except for the few lectures during their Cadet days. He made sure she was pregnant before he left for Marley, and he also made sure to throw the MP's off their scent with a recruit that agreed to fill in as the fake father.
Their final hug before his departure sparked that memory once more. The memory he had saw after kissing her hand at the ceremony.
"You're free."
Knowing what it meant with all the contexts filled in fueled his drive. He would fight to reach that point. It didn't matter if he was to die to the Curse soon, he would fight to see those years through. For Historia, for Carla.
The results were more than worth it. Carla and Historia were the only reasons why he didn't kill himself and joined the people he murdered. They tethered him to the world. While at times he suffered, there were times when he could smile and be happy.
There were days when he woke up in sweat, his nightmares working their way to destroy him. The worst was when Zeke called to Ymir Fritz to begin the Euthanasia. He remembered that memory vividly, how his heart abruptly stopped at the words. He barely made it in time, his thumbs flying behind him.
Historia was with him every step of the way. She kept a careful eye on him, making sure he didn't harm himself, keeping that bad habit from taking him over. Waking up to her hair in his face everyday, its fragrance from her shampoo, calmed him. Her presence always grounded him, making him more focused and helped shake the weight of his traumas off him.
Historia unsurprisingly was great with children, her time with the orphans more than proved her experience towards being a future mother. She was made for the role and she helped him to be the best father he could be for Carla.
Fatherhood was something he didn't realize he needed until he had it. Carla and Historia had ingrained themselves into his heart so deep that when they were ripped from him by the Curse, there was only a hole where they once were. At times when he didn't have to put up a façade in front of the other cadets, he found himself wrapped in angst.
He worried constantly, wondering if Carla and Historia were okay. How many years had passed since he came here for his family? Is Paradis holding up with his successor?
The questions filled his head endlessly as he constantly paced around in solitude, punching anything in sight, mostly trees and the few boulders, until his knuckles bled and steamed.
Eren stared at the doll in his right hand, the kitchen knife in his left. Taking a deep breathe, he stood up, heading back to his cabin.
Krista was looking at him strangely and he noticed the sweat dripping down her forehead as she avoided Ymir's swift punch without even breaking their gaze. That was rather impressive, he knew Historia had told him that her combat skills were above average in her cadet days, if flipping her father over her shoulder and breaking his back was any indication. But the person he was staring at was dodging effortlessly, not even 6 months into training.
He never really paid attention to her during their cadet days but now watching Krista had him thinking that Historia was acting too humble. That thought really didn't surprise him, knowing his wife as long as he did.
His lack of focus earned him a swift kick to the face by Annie. He had never been more glad for the benefit that traveling back in time gave him. If he had the fortitude of his 12 year old self, he would be on the ground knocked out. Thankfully, many fights with Jean and painful sparring sessions with Levi made him very resilient. He stumbled back slightly, immediately halting his automatic healing. He wiped the blood from his nose while also snapping it back into place. Annie's eyes widened in surprise.
"That all you got, Leonhart?" Eren taunted with a smirk. The secret Warrior scoffed, returning a smirk before putting her emotionless mask back into place.
"Not even close, Yeager."
"Hey Annie, teach me that technique."
Eren didn't have to look behind him to know that Mikasa was storming forward, itching for a fight. The rivalry between those two, while entertaining, was unnecessary. That mostly due to him not wanting Mikasa to get hurt. Which was why he placed a firm grip on her shoulder.
"Mikasa just let it go." He sighed.
Mikasa huffed angrily, her glare still fixed on Annie. "She hurt you, Eren. That was a very hard kick."
"As you can see, I'm fine." Eren gestured to his face. "It was my fault I got kicked, I lost focus for a moment. But I'm alright. You should head back to Armin."
Mikasa's brow furrowed in concern at him, before she nodded and ran back to Armin.
"Is she your friend?" Annie raised a questioning brow.
Eren sighed, massaging his temple. "If you hadn't noticed, yeah, childhood friend along with Armin, her sparring partner."
"Alright." Annie nodded, pulling her sleeves up, taking that iconic fighting stance of hers.
Before they were about to start, a voice interrupted them.
"Hey Annie, do you want to switch partners? I want to spar you."
Krista was in front of him and Annie. The girl in question crossed her arm, narrowing her eyes in curiosity.
"Seriously Lenz? You want to spar with me?"
"That's what I said."
Eren stared at Krista in shock. Why would she want to fight Annie, the strongest female fighter next to Mikasa? His eyes drifted to Ymir, who was tapping her foot impatiently on the ground.
"Krista, what are you thinking?" Eren bit his lip in concern. He definitely did not want Krista to get hurt. Even if she's not Historia, she's still his friend.
Krista waved her hand nonchalantly, winking at him, holding a small smirk. "Just a friendly spar, Eren. Go with Ymir for a few minutes for me, yeah?"
Eren's eyes widened, that gesture felt so Historia that his heart ached in sorrow. He couldn't stop the next words coming out of his mouth.
"If that's okay with you, Annie. I can switch."
Fuck.
Annie looked between him and Krista with that dull stare of hers.
"Fine, but don't blame me if your girlfriend gets her ass kicked, Yeager." The blonde Warrior scoffed. Krista blushed a bright red.
"We're only friends Annie." She coughed into her hand.
Eren grunted in agreement, a scowl making its way across its face. "Yes Annie. No need to make to assumptions. I'll take my leave."
He left the two blondes, making his way towards Ymir.
Like hell he ever be a boyfriend to someone with the mental capacity of an adolescent. That's absolutely disgusting. He had too much experience compared to Krista, too much trauma for her to ever understand him. Even if they both physically 12 years old (well for him in a way), the mental age difference made it so anything beyond a friendship was unacceptable to him.
Even if that somehow wasn't the case, he could never feel anything more towards Krista.
His heart was left behind with Historia when he died.
The ring was left in her hands forever, the symbol of his devotion to her.
It was all hers.
He was all hers.