Hinata P.O.V
Blue. This time it was blue. A deep true blue that felt endless. Something so familiar but unknown like a night by a lake covered in floating stars. I felt the breeze, as if I was sitting alone with feet pressed into cool soft sand, knowing with certainty that there was something wonderful across the water but not being entirely sure what that something was.
Minutes passed by and I did what I did every morning. I closed my eyes and tried to force the blue into my memory. It would slowly fade until only the backs of my eyelids remained but it brought me comfort while it lasted. These days I felt the most at peace in those foggy blurred moments.
It was as if I was putting together a puzzle blindfolded. I would feel my way around the edge of the piece and would try to place it with the others. This morning I had blue in my mind and I attempted to match it next to the correct piece to form an overarching image. Gold, yellow, loud, orange, happy, hurt, frantic. However I did not know where it was meant to go and if I had, I do not think I would have been able to see the answer. Today was no different than the other mornings. I had another piece but no picture though sometimes in the haze between dream and awake I could swear I had solved the puzzle.
I rolled to the other side of my bed and looked at my small calendar. I ripped off yesterday's date to reveal today's: March 6th. I sat up in my bed and stared at the date, heart racing slightly faster. Tomorrow I would meet with Kiba and I would meet him not as a friend, but as a potential suitor. It would have been almost unbelievable if it was not for the absolute fact that it was indeed real. Kiba Inuzuka, the hot-headed boy that had once placed a bug down the back of my jacket, was now in line, was now at the top of the line, to marry me.
I used to be scared of him with his sharp canine teeth constantly bared at any girl who tried to approach him in the school yard. It took most of my minimal confidence to muster up the courage to introduce myself when we were first placed together in the academy. He bared his sharp teeth again but this time with a smile.
"Hi Hinata! I'm Kiba!"
I felt...giddy. I felt excited. I felt strange. I felt...unsure.
I felt unsure.
In actuality, I did not know how I felt. I knew what I was supposed to feel and I knew what I once felt but this amalgamation of confusion and excitement was not what I expected. I knew Kiba, I have known him nearly my whole life. We started primary together, sat beside each other during secondary, fought together during our academy days. I knew his quirks, that he liked his meat rare, that he enjoyed startling girls on the playground by wolf whistling at them (which he got in trouble for on a number of occasions), that he loved his dog more than any person in this world. I knew he had once liked a pretty girl from a different country and that she broke his heart and he had spent all night with me and Shino lamenting over a lost love. I knew that even though he hated Shino at first, he grew to appreciate the man's silent and often obtuse wisdom and that he would do anything for his best friend. I knew how tall he was, his favorite color, his ambitions, his dreams, his likes, his dislikes. I knew him. But I did not know how I felt about him.
I drew out of bed, hoping that I would have my answer once I saw him in person. When we met again, during Tsunade-sama's ball, everything fell back into place. As if there had been no long pause in our friendship and we were once again teammates. It was a warm and comfortable feeling and right now it was more welcome than my usual state of confusion.
But something about the idea of marrying Kiba bothered me.
I still hadn't figured out what had changed in me. Like the puzzle of my dreams, I felt like I would never solve it but somehow I already knew the answer.
But if I had wanted to spend my morning unraveling the mystery of my own heart, I would not have had the time. A knock at the door took me out of my thoughts and back into the present. For now, I would put aside my questioning heart and focus on preparing for my meeting with Kiba tomorrow.
An army of maids, seamstresses, and beauticians marched into my room, ushering me out of a bed and into a robe to trot me into my bathroom. Hours went by filled with scrubbing and oiling, tweezing and pruning, fragrant smokes to lay scents into my hair, removing cuticles and rubbing turmeric under my eyes to prevent the inevitable dark circles. They chatted sweetly, sometimes asking my preference in florals or how I liked to have my eyebrows done (thin as to fit the Hyuuga image). Finally when my skin glowed and my hair was as dark as possible, I was led back into my bedroom and thrust in front of a monumental mirror that was not there when I woke up. Hanabi was sitting quietly on my bed, feet tucked under the blankets, and a smirk dazzling her face. She looked best when she was being coy and carefree.
"Do you have to be the prettier sister?" She asked, smiling and making a sweeping gesture over my form. The woman who was currently pinching my face let out a grumble.
"She'd be prettier if she could manage a full night's sleep." She swept her thumbs under my eye sockets, lightly massaging them in hopes of removing the faint purple that had made residence there. "Hinata-sama, if you weren't so pale it would hardly be noticeable. But no worries, we always have powder for these things."
Manan clucked her tongue then directed a group of seamstresses toward the closet, reprimanding them for not anticipating her next instruction. If this group of women were an army, then Manan was their general. She meticulously curated and groomed the Hyuuga clansmen, our personal image coordinator. Manan was known throughout the Kingdom for her expertise in cultivating an image of tradition, formality, and grace. When her own tenure with the Uchiha was over, Hiashi-sama had personally recruited her to our family. She was the one that had cleverly sewn the narrative for the Hyuuga royal trio. Neji, the devoted prodigy. Hanabi, the austere commander. Hinata, the demure ingenue. Roles that we had not only played on the public sphere but between each other. She chose every outfit, every pattern, every color, every piece of jewelry or scarf or pin before even Hiashi-sama saw it. My look for tomorrow was entirely under her will.
"No, no, no, not green! Not for tomorrow! We need a more subdued color. Something light, that shows a delicate femininity, something with small patterns. Get me some of those pieces I ordered for the Akatsuki festival! Some of those have what I'm talking about!" Manan was shouting commands, finally giving up and going into the closet herself, pushing women aside in a huff. But if they thought to find a reprieve once they left the enormous closet, Hanabi was unwilling to give it. She was no longer calmly on my bed but was instead taking handfuls of dresses, inspecting them, and throwing the rejects back in the arms of a tired maid. Together both Manan and Hanabi made an entirely exhausting force. They threw fabric across my shoulders, comparing my complexion and my hair, making sure it worked together. Once they were satisfied with a few choices, Manan had dragged me into the seat in front of my vanity. Someone was twisting intricate knots into my hair while someone else was swatching colors on my hand.
"No buns, Hinata hates buns. She looks better with most of her hair down." Hanabi redirected. For the most part, I maintained my silence, letting the busy noise float through my mind. They compared rouge and powders and I was content to sit passively, to try to clear my thoughts and even untangle some of the strangeness I felt in the pit of my stomach. Questions would be directed my way but I knew my sister or our image consultant would answer as they deemed fit.
"What is this?" To my left sat my personal jewelry box, most of its contents placed on the desk among the various makeup products. Manan had been rifling through it, apparently looking for a matching set of earrings. She turned her hand to show me something she seemed to find peculiar. "I didn't approve of this."
In her palm sat a small comb meant to be used to style ones' hair. Attached to the comb was a flower made completely of white gems, not real gemstones but the inexpensive kind. The type of stones that would be placed on children's jewelry. The comb itself seemed to be made of simple metal rather than the gold it was trying to disguise itself as. It was so dull and cheaply made and looked nothing like the jewelry that was in the box it came from.
"H-How do I l-l-look?"
"Honestly? I don't even notice the flower. You're just more distracting…"
"Throw this away." Manan said, handing the ornamental comb to a maid. Suddenly her face jerked towards me in a look of shock. Without realizing, I had stopped her arm and prevented her from handing over the comb.
"No." I said releasing my hand and reaching for the comb. Ignoring the look of confusion on Manan's face and concern on Hanabi's, I stroked the little thing, feeling each scratch on its surface. "It is mine. Please continue."
As they slowly ventured on, the puzzle pieces began shifting in my head. Suddenly I was seeing candlelight. I closed my eyes and I could faintly smell fried dough and hear the barely audible sounds of giggling women. There was dancing, I knew it wholeheartedly that there was dancing wherever this comb had come from. And there were arms, strong arms, pulling me closer, holding me. And I was happy and I was in …
"Hinata!" Hanabi broke me away from my imminent realization. "Sister, they're all done now."
I looked around to see the team and Manan standing formally in a line waiting for me to say something. I could only thank them and bowed from my seated position. Once they left, Hanabi made to grab my hand, the one still holding the comb, but I moved it away too swiftly.
"I was just going to put it back." She held her hand out waiting for me to give her the comb. I stood up so that I could place it back in the box myself, avoiding her gaze. I did not want her to see me so perplexed but most of all, I did not want her to take the little comb.
"Where is it from?" She said tentatively, watching me closely as I sat it down inside the box and closed the lid.
"I do not know." There was a finality to my words. Hanabi remained silent and then, once I had put away the jewelry box, she left. A shaky sigh left me for I knew that if I had to explain where I received the flower, I would simply fall apart.
All I knew, and I knew very little it seemed, was that I treasured that trinket above all else. It was my heart and I would not give it away for the world.
Naruto P.O.V
Konoha's rainy season lasts from the beginning of January to the middle of March with torrential storms hitting us severely in mid February. In the Kingdom, roads were built on a slant away from the palace and the streets never flooded no matter how hard it rained. In the Middle, there seemed to be decent storm drainage, leaving the occasional deep puddle to accidentally fall into. But in the Ruts, we were basically left with an ocean. The concept of being dry alluded us during those months. We embraced it albeit unhappily. It was the unwelcome family member that came to stay for the holidays. During the season, everyone seemed to be fashioned with runny noses and a piss pour demeanor and no one was immune.
Except for me.
I hadn't known then but the demon that lived inside me kept me warm rather than perpetually damp like everyone else. I never did get a cold, never had to worry about being in the rain too long, or suffer through toxic tonics. Sakura had always been jealous of me and Sasuke said I was too stupid to catch a cold. My spirit was never broken by thunder and lightning and Iruka-sensei said my hair was too bright to be deterred by rain. But on a particularly dreary terrible dismal day, when Sakura was relentlessly putting me down and Sasuke refused to even look in my direction, I called it quits. My cheer in the face of whipping winds did not seem to make any difference and I had had it with trying to be the optimist. I joined their shitty mood because misery definitely loves company, bitching and moaning, unwillingly to partake in our training for the day.
Then Kakashi-sensei pulled me aside and I was sure I was going to get scolded for my behavior but I was ready. Sakura was worse than I was and Sasuke was infinitely more impossible to coerce. If there was someone to be mad at, it was them! Kakashi sat me down and before I could state my case, he interjected.
"Naruto, you are incredibly talented, you know that?"
"I- wait what?!" That was not what I was expecting. Kakashi smiled his one eyed smile.
"Yup. You're super strong, incredibly hardworking, and you have boundless energy which makes you an incredible soldier."
"Thanks?"
"All traits that make a great ninja. But not what makes you an asset to this team. Do you know what makes you integral to Team 7?"
"Uh…."
"Well?" He was being patient, trying his best not to seem patronizing which was a great feat for Kakashi. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I didn't want to play this game.
"Naruto, this team cannot function without your confidence. I'm serious. The energy that you bring to this team changes the entire dynamic. Without you, Sakura is hesitant and never stops second guessing herself. You're the only reason Sasuke even seems to try. Do you understand?"
"I...I don't get it. You want me to be cheerful?"
"In a way, yes. You have that quality that motivates people. It's endearing. We need it, they need it." He nodded towards where Sakura and Sasuke were sitting sullenly.
"You don't seem to realize the impact you have on those around you but I'm telling you now. When you're at your best, the world does better."
So the rain rolled in, like it did every year, and Kakashi's words fell onto me, trickling through my veins. I could wallow, I had done it so many times that year that it would have come naturally. To curl into my covers and drown out the sounds of the world. To ignore life's responsibilities and completely forgo food and comfort and only sleep.
But this time, I had a team. A team that supported me but also needed me to be me. I had Jiraiya, who didn't seem to have any good words of advice when he found out Hinata was getting married, but still forced me to get out of bed, to eat (he began cooking for once), and encouraged me to train, enticing me with new techniques. I could spot the intensity in his eyes anytime he thought I might be slipping and he would come at me with renewed vigor. And I had Sakura, who was acutely sensitive to each of my moods and seemed to think that any change in my behavior could be mitigated with the proper mental conditioning. If I wasn't receptive that day, she was suddenly that insecure girl who doubted her own worth, wondering if she was a good friend and a good teammate.
For them, I had to be 'me'. I had to be the Naruto that Kakashi expected of me. The optimist, the boy who never gave up, my ninja way it seemed. I wasn't a wallower but a fighter. Nothing less than a man determined to be his best self because his best self was what the world needed. It was what his friends needed and to be anything less would hurt them. And if there's one thing Naruto Uzumaki does not do, he does not hurt his friends.
But it hurt me. Oh, I won't lie, it hurt like a bitch. Pretending to be okay. Every lie or platitude to prove that I was still expecting the best possible outcome and nothing less. As if the thoughts of 'what if she gets married and moves on and loves someone?' or 'what if she never remembers me?' or the worst 'what if she does remember me and still loves him more?' never played on repeat in my head. The nagging thought that I should be able to do something to change this outcome was pummeled everyday by the reality that I couldn't. And that I had to pretend like I could! This was a pain that was so raw that I had to deny it constantly in front of others. And to deny it was to poison myself.
So I willingly ingested my own venom to make the world better.
It was worse still when Sakura was involved. At least Jiraiya granted me his ignorance, let me pretend that my act of strength was working. Sakura was not easily fooled but she was also not easily satiated. I had to work harder, push myself harder, to convince her.
Sometimes she wanted me to talk about Hinata.
"Letting out your emotions helps you know." And for a split second I was ready to be that person. To cry and wail and throw a tantrum right on the floor. But then Sakura would transform. It was her talent and also her truth. She loved too deeply. It was a burden she cradled and nurtured and then expected you to coo over it.
"I needed that when Sasuke left. I had no one to talk to about it because you left too. I know what you're going through Naruto because where you are now is where I was." And she would talk about Sasuke. And I would let her talk about Sasuke because she had so much pent up trauma from it all and she needed this. And I pretended like these conversations helped me because I knew she needed that too. She needed me to need her and I did, just not like this, but she wasn't ready for honesty and I wasn't ready to take her fulfillment away. So I let her start these conversations about my feelings and end them about hers and I could see she felt better and that made me okay, for a time.
Sakura had managed to find some time to see me the first week of March, in between the uptake in hospital work due to the cold season, but the look on her face told me everything I needed to know.
"It's the bad news face."
"I do not have a bad news face!" She shouted at me from across the apartment. I plastered on a grin and turned to her.
"Yeah you do!" Did you know that if you smile while you talk, you can make your voice sound happy? "It's that 'oh poor kid' look that you have."
"Is it really?" Sakura was putting away dishes. She came over on the off chance that she was free, to help clean the place or stock up our pantry. I think this was her way of making sure I was okay. It's the little things I suppose.
"God, I hope my bedside manner with my patients is better than this."
"Ah I'm sure it is. They haven't fired you yet have they?" If you can't manage to make a joke look convincing, just turn away and pretend to look out the window.
"So out with it." I said.
"Hinata's meeting her suitor tomorrow."
"Well is he hot at least?" I laughed, not a fake booming one, but a believable chuckle like I knew it wasn't funny but I found it funny anyways. Sakura smiled politely. In any other circumstance, she might have hit me.
"I don't actually know. Never met the guy. But I thought you would want to know of any new developments."
"Yeah I do! Thanks!" Was that too cheerful?
"Are you okay?" Sakura paused to give me a moment but I pushed through, chipper and unfazed.
"Yeah! C'mon she's just going for a meeting. It's not like they're sealing the deal or anything."
"But Naruto if she agrees then their-"
"Engaged, yeah I know! But trust me, it'll be alright. Honestly Sakura I just have a good feeling that it will be fine."
"I love your hopefulness Naruto but I just -" Before she could continue, Jiraiya was walking through the door.
"Hey Sakura, are you joining us for lunch?"
"Ah no Jiraiya-sama, I actually have to head back to the hospital now. But I promise when the season ends I will join you two for hotpot!" Sakura darted across the room to give me a tight hug before leaving for work.
"Are you staying for lunch?" I asked Jiraiya hopefully as the door closed. His back was turned to me as he set down packages on his bed.
"Noooo I gotta get back out there and do, uh, my usual research."
"Uh, I can make us something other than ramen and you don't have to cook at all!" The door to the pantry was swinging open as I frantically looked for something to cook. Jiraiya was still occupied.
"Nah, I'll pick up something small on the way over."
"You sure? Cause it's really no trouble."
"Yes Naruto I'm sure."
"Actually I was thinking maybe you could just stay in today. With me." There it was, so transparent and obvious, that begging in my voice. I couldn't do it anymore. Not today, not when I know what comes tomorrow. I needed to be the weak one, the pessimist, for someone else to carry the burden of hoping.
Jiraiya had stopped what he was doing but didn't turn to face me.
"Naruto." His voice was low and calm. I immediately regretted what I had said.
"I'm not your father." His words were a slap. "If you want comfort you'll have to go to someone else. I'm not going to coddle you. This isn't why I brought you here to train."
"Oh I didn't mean that." I recovered, laughing loudly, hands clasped behind my head. "Jeez Jiraiya god no I don't want you to baby me. I just meant, you know it's raining and it looks miserable out there. Thought maybe you'd prefer staying in instead of being drenched is all." This time he faced me, with a seriousness in his look.
"Do you want me to stay in Naruto?"
"Hell no! What am I gonna do with a geezer like you huh? Play cards? Nah go harass those 'confidantes' you're getting 'intel' from." I laughed again. I was sure that time it was convincing.
"Did you want to train?" He offered. Was this bait? A trap meant to make me vulnerable only to teach me to be stronger?
"Nah nah nah, there's no way we could train in this weather! I'd fall on my ass and die or something. No, I'm alright!"
"If you say so." Then he left. Right out the door with no hesitation and I felt silly and stupid for even asking. And then suddenly the apartment was too small and I had to leave too even if it was raining and there was nothing to do. I bounded down the steps of our apartment and landed onto the street unsure of what came next. My feet were carrying me onto a familiar path and I realized where I was trying to go. To the bazaar, to see the apple vendor and perch in my usual spot, and I halted. There was no way I could go back to him and pretend that everything was okay. Not today.
Not any day, I realized. I could never go back to that spot, to that man, to those stalls, without terrorizing myself. I was done with the Nefera Bazaar, with all bazaars, and I was done with the Kingdom. So I ran down a wet and muddy street towards the open fields where I trained thinking that a few exercises would clear my mind.
When I arrived, sprawling grass was paved over with muddy water and rain had fully soaked through my clothes but it wasn't enough to stop me. I pushed myself harder, running faster and faster and skidded to a halt when I had reached the center. My momentum and the slippery ground beneath my feet betrayed me and I was sent falling onto my back.
Rain pelted my body. I could feel the dirt and grime absorb into my orange tracksuit, seep into the crevices of where my shirt met my pants and where my ankles were left exposed. Water flooded onto my sunken eye sockets and nostrils and filled my mouth. It engulfed me and I was drowning on land. This was what I wanted, to be overcome and to let myself sink.
Something dark settled above me and for a moment I thought I knew who it was. But when I opened my eyes, I discovered a passing storm cloud, fat with condensation, had obscured my view.
For a second there, I thought Sasuke had appeared.
I started to cry. I howled as thunder roared through the mountains and lightning soared across distant skies.
I imagined it, as I wept, Sasuke standing above me, that insufferable smirk decorating already haughty features.
"Get up idiot." He would say and reach out a hand. That was what he did. Laugh at me when I fell and then pull me back up. I needed that now, needed my best friend, Sasuke, to pull me back up.
What would he say? I couldn't imagine it. Sasuke was the only person I truly understood and yet could never predict. Sure I couldn't write the script of what he would say next but I knew without a doubt that he'd say something to make this whole fucking awful situation seem manageable. Or at least to make me feel like me again. He was the man who knew me so fully and clearly and was one of the only people in the world who could put me back together.
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed myself hoarse in that dirt and mud and rain.
Kakashi was right and he was wrong. Sasuke may have needed me back then. But I needed him now.
Hinata P.O.V
"Okay but you can't laugh at me." He said with such a strikingly serious look on his face that I was thrown off guard.
"I would never. Please tell me." My hand landed on his knee encouragingly. Redness creeped across his face and I could feel my own body begin to warm.
"Well," He began steeling himself. "My dream is to become Hokage."
Moving my calendar aside, I went to grab the comb that I had taken out of the box and placed on my bedside table. I gently rubbed it as I sat disoriented on my bed, thinking about the dream I had just had. There were no faces, none that I could recall at least, but there were words.
My dream is to become Hokage.
Repeating those words filled me with a sense of pride, of admiration, and… of love? Was it me that had said those words? Surely not because I never had ambitions of becoming even the leader of the Hyuuga clan, let alone Hokage. Was this a dream or was it a memory? If it was a memory, then who said those words? Then whose memory was it?
I kept repeating those words in my mind as the maids began to dress me. They wrapped me in a beautiful pale blue kimono with silver flowers, and covered my dark circles with powder as instructed. My hair waved loosely down my back and my lips were tinted peony.
My dream is to become Hokage.
"Are you excited to meet your suitor Hinata-sama?" said a voice to my right.
"Suitor?"
"Kiba-sama!" Manan said loudly. That snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Kiba-kun!" I nearly shouted to the astonishment of those around me. "Yes, yes I am most excited to see him. To see him today. Now."
Then suddenly Kiba was in my mind and I had no room to think about who wanted to be Hokage because I still had not yet decided how I felt about Kiba. I had spent all evening and the late hours of the night thinking about that comb, wondering where it came from, and why it was so dear. I had not even spared a moment's thought to Kiba, to my marriage. My heart began racing as fear settled in my bones, burrowing into the marrow. What was I going to do? Was I going to go through with this and marry him? The desires of saying yes and running away from the union as fast as I could were clashing through my sternum. Did I love him enough to commit to a life with him? Did it matter?
With haste, almost as if to prevent me from changing my mind, my ladies maids hurried me through the halls. Elders gave me quick words of admiration and well wishes of success. My father, Hanabi, and Neji waited for me at the main entrance. There was nothing except joy written across my father's features. His arms opened, beckoning me, so he could hold me. Stern pupils turned soft when we spoke.
"You look like the spitting image of your mother. She was a great beauty as well."
Tears threatened my eyes, moved by my father's sweet words and my severe anxiety.
"Come Hinata." Neji gestured me into the carriage as I managed one last look at my father. He was proud, he was so very proud of me.
The doors closed and Neji sat opposite to me, a silent sentinel. I should have known that if my father was elated then Neji would be troubled, a pattern they had developed when it came to the topic of my marriage. He was restrained all through the carriage ride, glancing occasionally at my fingers as they fidgeted with the hem of my kimono. I was waiting for something, some word of encouragement, some advice. Neji went through this exact process already. In fact, he had had it even worse than I did. He was at least in love with someone and he still did his duty to his clan. Why could he not tell me the secret to convincing my own frightened heart? His was a silence that scolded, as if admonishing me for doing exactly what he did.
In a fairly short amount of time, we arrived at the ornate gates of the Inuzuka manor. They were more inviting than the solid walls of the Hyuuga compound, gold twisting and turning into the features of large wolves, the symbol of their house. While the Inuzuka clan was not nearly as old as the original families, they rivaled us in wealth and in the Kingdom that mattered a great deal. We rolled down a beautifully paved path lined with supple bushes and flowers, coiffed perfectly even in the rainy weather. A servant was waiting for us at the manor's entrance, umbrella in hand, to walk us through the home. Finally we were in front of large double doors, the entryway to a sitting room where Kiba awaited me. The servant had been excused and I was waiting for Neji to open the door, anxiety written across my face, when Neji turned to face me head on.
"This is only a meeting. You can say no. I will support you no matter what decision you make but please make this decision for yourself and no one else. Trust yourself." Neji's earnestness smoothed away some of the ruffles in my demeanor but added some confusion to my overall choice. Before I could ask him to clarify, the doors opened and there stood a tall, dashingly handsome man, grinning at me.
"Thank you for escorting her, Neji. I can take it from here." Kiba said in a manner that was much too casual given the intensity of the current situation. Neji only nodded his head and made to leave. Kiba then turned his attention to me.
"Shall we?" He took my arm in his and swept me into the room. It was smaller, more intimate than I had initially expected given the largeness of the doors. There were no windows except for a looming skylight that displayed the gray of the clouds. Kiba walked us towards a table placed serenely in the middle of the room, directly underneath the stormy sky. He then unhooked himself to pull out a chair and waited until I was comfortably seated before sitting uncharacteristically rigid in the seat across from me. A servant came to pour tea for us but Kiba stopped them.
"It's fine, I'll manage this. You can go." The servant handed over the ornate kettle to Kiba before bowing and leaving.
"No cream or sugar right? I still haven't forgotten how you like your tea." I could only nod, my tongue stuck so thoroughly in my mouth that the mere act of speaking seemed impossible. When the cups were full and my plate set with a small cake, Kiba finally allowed himself to lean back against the seat, a hand ruffling the hair on the back of his neck. I made to break the silence.
"I see-"
"So uh-" We both spoke at once. Pitter patters of rain drops bounced on the glass above and echoed through the room.
"You go ahead."
"Please you first." It almost felt as if the rain was reverberating through my ear drums.
"Hinata, why don't you go first."
"I only meant to ask where Akamaru was? I was hoping to see him." Suddenly Kiba was laughing his dog's bark laugh and I could only help but break a small smile.
"Ma thought it would be best if Akamaru wasn't in the room. She said and I quote 'He's not the one that's asking to marry her.' The funny thing is, I gave him a bath because I figured you'd want to see him."
"I do indeed."
"He misses you, you know? He used to love just falling asleep on your lap."
"I liked having him there. He fit perfectly in my jacket if I recall."
"Remember that one time at the academy when one of the instructors stopped me to specifically check and see if I was smuggling Akamaru onto the class trip?"
"Yes! We were going to the forests for a week-long training mission."
"Right! And I somehow managed to convince you to take Akamaru for me and hide him in your coat?"
"I am still shocked that it worked."
"You were so small! You'd think they'd have noticed you had a huge lump in your jacket!"
"It was a good thing you were making enough noise to keep them occupied." I was laughing, trying to place the tea cup back on the saucer as gently as possible. I had always been a bit more daring under Kiba's encouragement. He made me brave or at least he forced me to be brave with him.
"There was no way I was going on a camping trip without Akamaru!" He chuckled, staring down at his empty cup. He folded his hands in his lap and smiled down at them.
"I'm glad we can laugh like old times." I remained silent as he looked up. "I'm not going to lie, I thought this was going to be incredibly awkward. Us having been teammates for literal years. So I have to admit I'm a bit surprised if not relieved you said yes to this meeting."
His demeanor had changed and now he leaned forward, an elbow planted on the table, curiosity sparkling in his eyes.
"Why did you say yes?" It was my turn to look down.
"W-W-Well do you mind telling me why you asked first?" I was picking at my perfectly manicured nails, ruining the effort from the day before. Kiba's eyes were still locked on me.
"Way to sidestep my question, Hinata. But I am the gentleman and therefore will fulfill your request." He said in mock politeness. The ease of his tone let me know it was okay to look back up again.
"Honestly my parents have been trying to get me married for a while now and I've just been saying no to everyone. I just can't imagine marrying some random person for the sake of my clan. Then my cousin got engaged to your cousin and suddenly your name was thrown in the mix and, well, I know you." Catching himself, he put his hands up in defense.
"It's not just that I know you, I know lots of people, but I know you. You're Hinata, you're one of my oldest friends. We've been on missions together, I know how you operate and how you think and there was a point in time where I could almost certainly guess your next action. I know I can be comfortable around you and I thought why wouldn't I want to marry someone like that.
Besides, it helps that you are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. So all in all I thought why not ask my incredibly gorgeous talented friend to be my wife?" He finished with a self satisfied smirk, probably as a result of the ever growing blush invading my face. Kiba had always been incredibly complimentary towards me but somehow this seemed different. This was flirtation and it felt foreign, both thrilling and icy.
"So," He prompted pouring more tea into our cups. "It's your turn."
I steadied myself, the nerves colliding with the sweetness of his words. I did not have my answer yet but I could at least be honest with why I agreed.
"My father thought that the alliance would be beneficial." His face began to fall, almost imperceptibly.
"And-" I continued forward. The rain was suddenly pouring.
"And," I prepared. It smashed itself against the window in a violent show of force. I looked up in alarm but still powered through.
"And for the reason you just stated. I said yes because I want to marry someone I know. Someone I know deeply and Kiba, you have always been in my heart. You are one of my dearest friends and I would be remiss to say no to someone that knows me. To marry a stranger might mean potentially forgoing a chance at happiness and love and marrying you would mean I could have that chance." I stopped myself because I had not prepared the words I had just confessed.
"Love huh?" He said before I could begin to backtrack. He was quiet for a few seconds, his mind deep in thought. I searched his eyes for any indication that I had made a misstep in admitting to him, and to myself, that I wanted love. Before I could correct myself and tell him that I did not need to love him, he started.
"I am not going to lie to you, Hinata. Actually that is one promise I will make to you now and forever, if we are to be married, that I won't lie to you because a good partnership, a good marriage, I believe, is based on trust and the truth. So I cannot say that I love you right now in this instance. Of course I care about you deeply. But I think...I know that if we were married, I would come to love you as my wife. You're right, I think out of anyone, you're the person I could see myself falling in love with."
A smile, of relief and contentedness, broke across my lips. Of course he understood what I was trying to say because he was Kiba and he knew me and that was why I would marry him. Perhaps it was odd, but I was so thoroughly thrilled to know that he did not love me, not yet, because I did not love him. But I could and I would and he would and that was what mattered.
"Hearing that makes me feel very happy, Kiba-kun." A brightness entered the room. Though the rain continued on, it was a mere drizzle, the small rays of sun illuminating what were once dark clouds.
"You're going to have to drop the honorifics, you know. You'll have to be more casual with me once we're married."
"Perhaps so."
"Besides, it won't sound as intimidating when you scold me."
"Will I have things to scold you about?" A joke, I was making jokes. Why was I so worried?
"No, of course not." He laughed then turned serious, as if a sudden thought had invaded his thoughts.
"Hinata before we move forward I need to know if you have any reservations about marrying me. Remember, I only ask for honesty so please say anything at all, state your case."
And suddenly they were there. The puzzle pieces, the knots in my stomach, the confusion, the sleepless nights, the dreams. My dream is to become Hokage. Everything in my body was telling me to say no to this alliance, right now, say no.
"Hinata?" Kiba said, alarmed. "Whatever it is you can tell me. Please."
The warnings were shrieking through my mind. Say no, they cried, just say no. It was Neji's voice, telling me it was okay to say no, to just do it, to say no. But it was my father's face I saw. His pride beamed at me. I would not take that from him, not when I had no reason. I would not take that from myself. I would not deny myself something good.
"Kiba-kun, I just worry about seeing my family." I lied trying to force the warning signs from my mind. Nerves be damned, I would do what was right. And that was all this was, nerves and sleeplessness.
"Oh is that all? Hinata you can see your family as much as you want! They're your family after all. Though I have to say, I was under the impression you weren't very close but whatever you want we can make it happen."
"Thank you."
"Of course! Okay so we're doing this. We're going to get married, huh?"
"Yes, we are going to be married." The room was too bright, too small. I wanted nothing but to be back in my dark cavernous bedroom, asleep and waiting for ... something.
"My mother is going to be thrilled! She adores you! You made quite the impression on her during the ball the Yamanaka's hosted two years ago, you remember?" With a gulp, I swallowed down the nagging thoughts and forced myself to be present with Kiba. We talked, for a long time, about things we shared like how Shino would take the news, what our families will expect from us, where we might go on our travels once we were married. I could see it. With Kiba, I could be confident, live a life that made me proud, that made my father proud. I saw it so clearly, not love not yet, but us. Best friends enjoying each other's company, having tea and dinner and making jokes. I could not bring myself to imagine romance and children but they would be there, I knew it. And this malicious feeling of betrayal would dissipate with each step towards Kiba. I could feel that too. I would be content. This could be my future.
The hour was almost upon us and I could sense Neji's presence behind the massive doors. Kiba stood up, pulled out my chair, and linked his arm in mine once again. Right before we opened the doors, Kiba gave pause.
"There's one final thing I want to make clear. If at all, anytime during our engagement you want to call it off, you are more than welcome too. I'm not saying I want you to call off our wedding but I want you to be fully into this marriage. And if you aren't, say something. I promise we will always be friends no matter what happens."
"I would like to extend the same courtesy to you as well Kiba-kun."
"Of course"
"Thank you."
"Thank you." He returned with a small bow of his head. Then he opened the door and escorted me and Neji to the front gates. He waved goodbye as the carriage left and I kept my gaze on my fiance until we finally turned down the road.
The ride was quiet once more. Neji seemed unwilling to look my way and the confidence I had gathered in Kiba's presence was slowly withering. When we were finally parked in front of the compound, I waited for Neji to open the door. He sat there, waited, and then spoke.
"May I ask about your decision?" Suddenly, I could feel something creeping in slowly as if to make its way inside and hide from the rain.
"I have agreed to marry Kiba Inuzuka."
Neji opened the door and left with haste, leaving me alone with a new visitor in the carriage.
Disappointment had sat down in the empty seat, escorted by Neji but invited by me.
Naruto P.O.V
When I was a kid, I lived alone. I didn't have any other choice. With no parents and no blood relatives to support me, the Kingdom gave me a very measly stipend and placed me in what could be graciously called a box. My 'home' could fit the basic necessities: a cot, a sink, a small furnace, an even smaller window. I spent the majority of my life outside of the confines of a dull studio. Most days I could be found in Iruka's living room, or in the booths of my favorite ramen shop, and on some occasions, sleeping over at the Uchiha compound (but only if Sasuke was feeling particularly generous). Otherwise my apartment was simply a place to hold my clothes or sleep.
When I first arrived in the Middle with Jiraiya, I knew our living conditions weren't going to be luxurious. He was a 'hermit' and I was a penny poor soldier. Iruka had given me only enough to buy myself a new set of clothes and a hot bowl of ramen when I arrived in the Middle. His teacher's salary prevented him from giving me anything further and my love for him prevented me from asking.
So when Jiraiya said our combined incomes could only afford us a studio, I imagined my old apartment, maybe slightly larger. I had not been prepared for the substantial increase in conditions. The place Jiraiya had rented us seemed palatial compared to my previous life of squalor. It was one large room with a working kitchen and a bathroom that included a full tub. There were large windows and it came furnished with shelves and drawers and two beds pushed up against opposite walls. Beds instead of cots and warm blankets and even a laundry service next door. There was room for me to stretch my legs and even move away from Jiraiya if I was irritated. It smelled clean if we kept it clean and if we didn't, well then we could actually open the window to air it out. It was paradise.
Even after I had been spoiled rotten by the comforts housed within Hinata's room, I was never in want for more from my apartment. It was the perfect home.
Until it wasn't. Until it turned cramped, and small, and suddenly felt exactly like that little box in the Ruts.
You see, I was put under house arrest.
This was by no fault of my own. If there was blame to be given, it was all squarely on the demon fox...and I suppose the Uchihas.
I had spent the next few days after my pathetic rainy breakdown glued to the training field. If I wasn't running laps or practicing maneuvers, I was lying on the ground, while it rained, wondering if lightning might just strike me. I had nowhere to go and there was no way I was going to wait at home, where Sakura might ambush me with the confirmation that Hinata did in fact say yes to marrying some man that wasn't me.
I was sitting under a tree, scraping out mud from the crevices of my sandal with a twig, when Jiraiya approached. We had quickly come to a silent arrangement in those couple days. I would be at the training field wallowing and crying and he would be blissfully ignoring my anguish. So I was surprised, and more than annoyed, to see him walk over towards me, a severe look on his face.
"Get up."
"Why?" I said without looking up at him. There was a rock shoved between the little gaps in my sandal and it refused to budge.
"You need to go back to the apartment."
"Why?"
"Naruto. Now." It was the voice he used when something went wrong, a voice I was all too familiar with and knew to take seriously. However, I was in a petulant mood. I had been out here all week, getting soaked and arriving home shivering and I hadn't heard even a word about my wellbeing from him.
I waved my stick at him, a clump of dirt clinging to the tip.
"Whyyyy?" I drawled. It was wrong to prod the bear but I was feeling a bit sour. He doesn't get to ignore me and then command me. He might be my mentor but like he said, he wasn't my father. He stomped the ground sharply and the impact sent me up into a standing position.
"Let's go." He turned and ran. I tossed the stick on the ground lazily and followed, noticing his shifty looks as we jogged through forests and onto paved streets. He would sometimes stop me to look left or right.
When I entered the apartment, he quickly shut the door and the glint of a new shiny lock caught my eye.
"What's going on Jiraiya?"
Jiraiya worked his way towards the windows, peering out of them then shutting the curtains quickly. He proceeded over to his bed, pulling out scrolls from underneath it. He would unravel one, only to find it was the wrong one, then shove it away, and continue on. I was accustomed to being ignored during these ultra focused, ultra stern moments. A year ago, I might have forced him to respond. Now I merely walked over towards the window above my bed and began to open the curtain to see what he might have been looking for.
"Don't open that." He scolded me, never taking his eyes away from the scroll in his hand, a pile slowly forming to his left. I snatched my hand back like a kid being told not to touch a stove.
"Found it." A fully unraveled scroll lay bundled in Jiraiya's hands. He got up and moved towards me with a feverish speed. His intense presence had startled me and I backed away from him. Jiraiya was staring down at me, a manic look in his eyes.
"I spotted the Akatsuki in the area."
"What?!" I shouted. "WHAT?!"
"Itachi Uchiha and the member of the seven swordsmen are somewhere camped in the woods surrounding our town."
"Then let's go get them." I moved forward and almost immediately, Jiraiya's large hand pushed me back. The back of my knees collided with the edge of the bed and I fell down onto it.
"Shut up Naruto." He hissed through gritted teeth. "We are not going to fight them. I can't move you without risking them finding us and I can't protect you and defeat them if I do."
"We could fight them. They were scared enough of you last time." I sat up, leaning forward and looking at him. The scroll dangled at Jiraiya's side as his other hand rubbed his temples in frustration.
"They were surprised, that's all. Now that they know who you're with they will be ready and I'm not prepared to fight two members of the Akatsuki at once."
"You won't be. I'll be fighting them with you."
"No you won't. You'll be right here where you'll be safe."
"Oh please, like a cheaply made door with a fresh lock is going to stop them." My hand shot out to gesture at the useless safety precaution. Jiraiya gave it a glance then shook his head as if the lock wasn't even a factor.
"No but a scroll that will hold you in the stomach of the mountain toad might."
"What? You're sending me to live in a toad?"
"Not exactly. This apartment would just be housed on a metaphysical level within a toad. A toad that the Akatsuki cannot reach and therefore cannot reach you."
"But I'd still be in here."
"Yes you would be both here and there. This way no one besides myself can access this apartment."
"Even Sakura?"
"I'm afraid so."
I stood up to meet his gaze at eye level.
"Well I'm not doing that."
"Naruto-"
"No, I'm not Jiraiya. You can't force me to sit at home while those psychos are out there. You know you can't." I forced my voice to sound rational, and not let the simmering anger show through.
"Naruto for heaven's sake will you listen to yourself. You're not strong-"
"I'm strong enough for this! Jiraiya, what's the point in teaching me to fight if I can't even do this. No Jiraiya, I'm not sitting around like a child while the world protects me." Even though our faces were hardly a feet apart, our voices were rising and I knew our neighbors could hear the disjointed shouts from within their apartment.
"You think it's you that I'm worried about? Get a grip Naruto. If that demon lands in their hands then you've jeopardized the lives of everyone in this world." He pointed an accusatory finger into my chest. I pushed his hand away and walked towards the kitchen, separating us as my nails began to dig into my palms.
"I won't let them. I'll fight, I'll-"
"If you leave out that door then you're not fit to be Hokage."
"Oh fuck you, a Hokage protects his people."
"A HOKAGE SETS ASIDE HIS EGO AND DOES WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. If you can't avoid running into danger and handing them the fox spirit for the sake of your pride, then you'll never be fit to lead a nation. If winning a battle is worth the lives of every citizen in Konoha then I'm telling you, you don't deserve to be Hokage."
A silence shot itself through the room.
Jiraiya had trained the Fourth Hokage and had been mentored by the Third. He could have been Hokage himself if he had the interest. He knew what it took to be Hokage, to lead and to protect our country. A minute passed, the pitter patter of drizzle on the window pane was counting the time.
"Okay." I said, fingers relaxing but eyes stinging. "Okay."
I stood there waiting for our next step but Jiraiya remained quiet, collecting himself, perhaps even processing what he just said. Eventually he moved and the shuffling of scrolls and the sound of chalk on hardwood filled the apartment. Though the blinds were closed, I could see the orange of the setting sun peaking through into the kitchen. When the light faded from orange to pink, Jiraiya called for me.
He gestured to me to sit where the scroll lay in the center of a large circle with foreign scribblings around it's edge that had been drawn onto the floor of our little flat. Jiraiya began to recite words and as he did the chalk, once a bright white, turned to black and the line of the circle began to rise from the ground. A sensation in the pit of my stomach tugged me in every direction and the unbearable need to vomit overwhelmed me. In my periphery the walls started pulsating and dull wallpaper turned to flesh sinew. Jiraiya's voice grew louder and louder and just when I thought I would lose myself completely, the world went still and silent. The walls and the floors seemed untouched and my stomach undaunted. The only indication that something had happened was the scroll, that now lay completely torn in front of me. My hands were shaking as Jiraiya helped me up. When I could stand without his assistance, I ventured once more towards the window and looked out, daring him to tell me to back away. I had been expecting the unpleasant view of a large stomach filled with bile but instead I saw the same view of the street that I would have seen normally.
"You'll still be able to see the outside world, maybe even hear the street noises but if someone tried to look inside they would see…nothing, I think."
"And what happens if I go outside?" Jiraiya eyed me suspiciously but answered anyway.
"You'd go out into the streets of the Middle but you would be unprotected and you would die." He had said it so matter of factly. "But as long as you stay in here, they won't be able to open that door. If they do, they'll most likely open into an empty square where this place once was."
"I don't understand. That doesn't make sense, wouldn't someone notice a big empty hole?"
"It's not for you to understand Naruto, just follow this one simple rule. Stay here." With that, conversation and my freedom were over.
If I had known that would be the last time I had a chance to see Sakura, I wouldn't have wasted my days hiding from her. I would have gladly taken her demotivating speeches, even her confirmation of my worst fear, over silence and boredom. My long time companion, loneliness, was all I had for company and he was a bad houseguest.
Being confined to the apartment also meant I had to see a lot more of Jiraiya, who could still come and go as he pleased, almost flaunting it with relish. I would never describe Jiraiya as vindictive but there was an exaggerated flourish in how he would brush the water from his hair from being outside or comment on the foot traffic and all the people he got a chance to speak to.
He had, after days and days of begging, relented to my request to inform Sakura of the updated situation and had even taken it upon himself to be our messenger, delivering letters and small care packages back and forth.
I had expected Sakura to be on my side, to have been appalled at the drastic steps Jiraiya had taken. While she did think it was unfair to quarantine me with such severe conditions, she was patronizingly supportive of Jiraiya's efforts to 'keep me safe'.
Naruto,
I know how much you hate sitting still but just know what you're doing is a service to the Hokage and to Konoha. Tsunade-sama would be proud and so would the Fourth, I'm sure of it. Just remember, this is all for the village.
This could even be your chance to relax for once. You do remember what it means to relax right? There are some soaking salts in the package I'm giving to Jiraiya so try to take a long bath soon.
I'll write as soon as possible.
-Sakura
Also, Hinata Hyuuga is officially engaged to Kiba Inuzuka. The wedding is in 5 months.
I almost chucked the letter away.
This was no longer a matter of pride or restlessness or ego. I was wasting precious time because now I had a deadline. Not just the obscure day when Sasuke succumbs to complete evil but also, almost equally as horrifying, the day Hinata takes her wedding vows.