Updated: 3/2/2022

Chapter 20: Panic Attacks: (1)

Artemis gasps bolting upright in bed. She gasped for air. She had just had a particularly bad nightmare. About losing Apollo. It was always about losing Apollo. Always him.

She had, had panic attacks for thousands of years. So far, she had been able to keep it hidden. The only one to know had been Zoe. But now since she died nobody knew.

She thought it made her look weak. And she didn't know how to ask for help.

Even when Apollo told her once, 'Arty if you ever need me, I'll be there'. She had never taken him up on that offer.

Artemis trembles as flashes of Apollo's banishment come back to her. Every time he nearly died making her tremble and gasp.

He was her protector.

He was her crutch to lean on.

He was always there. Even when she didn't want it.

She couldn't lose her brother.

She couldn't.

She would lose her mind if he died.

Artemis's breathing picks up thinking about it more. She was so scared. And she was so tired. So, so, so, so tired. She couldn't sleep much because her panic attacks had gotten too out of hand.

Artemis whimpers and vomits over the side of her bed and realises she finally needed help before these attacks endangered the Hunt. She couldn't take anyone else dying.

Her brother might have been only back to Godhood one week. But she couldn't put this off any longer. She just hoped he would keep his promise to 'always be there for her'.

She tries to take a deep breath and open the barriers that stopped the thoughts to and from her brother. Their bond opened in her mind.

'Apollo! I need you! Please!...', Artemis thinks out.

Artemis doesn't hear a reply as panic begins to overtake her again. She barely registers the flash of light and a voice calling her name urgently. Before the panic attack completely takes over…

Apollo sighs he was now a God again. And he had promises to keep. He made Jason a promise and he would keep it. He just needed to find the right 'pitch' to give his Father. And maybe find some support.

Then he had promised Meg he would stay in contact with her and that was also hard since his Father didn't like it when they kept in contact with mortals. But he WOULD. He liked Meg a lot. Maybe in more than a brother kind of way.

He was broken out of his thoughts violently by a flood of panic and a voice enters his head. A voice he knew quite well.

'Apollo! I need you! Please!...", his sisters thoughts beg to him.

"Arty?" Apollo says out loud and in thoughts but gets no response.

Apollo jumps up and flashes out without a second thought after his question. Allowing the bond, he had with Artemis to guide him too her.

He appears in her tent and sees his sister breathing faster and faster, her eyes glassy and she was sweating.

"Arty? Arty!" Apollo calls slowly approaching her, "What is wrong? Arty?"

He doesn't get a response and that was bad. She would have normally yelled at him for calling her Arty by now.

"Little Sis can you hear me?" Apollo asks softly.

Again, she doesn't reply but continues to rock. Apollo looks her over and realises she was having a panic attack. When did his sister ever panic?

He shakes that thought out of his head. He needed to help her. Apollo slowly climbs on the bed and pulls Artemis into his lap. Hugging her gently to him. He could feel her heart racing away. Her breathing was short and laboured. She was sweating too. And she trembled against him.

"Arty I need you to take deep breaths, ok? Can you do that for me?" Apollo whispers softly in her ear.

Apollo continues to whisper in her ear.

"Arty you need to take deep breaths otherwise you will make yourself sick", Apollo says softly then he notices the puddle on the ground and grimaces, "Ok otherwise until you make yourself sick again"

Again, Artemis just rocks in his arms.
"Arty I am here. Right here", Apollo didn't know why he said that it just felt right.

Suddenly Artemis turns in his arms and buries her face in his chest. Shocking the Hades out of him. She had never done that before. He instinctively holds her tighter.

"Shhh Little Moon I am here", Apollo coos to her following his instincts at what to say.

He rocks her back and forward whispering words of comfort in her ear.

"Try to match my breathing Arty. You NEED to calm down", Apollo says softly holding her close.

Apollo didn't know if he was reaching her. He REALLY wanted to know what was going on. But he needed to calm her down first.

To his surprise he feels her breathing start to slow. He feels her starting to relax in his arms. That shocked him. When had that ever happened?

He felt her breathing start to slow, and her trembling was fading, as she got herself under control. He was surprised as she calmed down that she didn't pull away. She had actually taken hold off his shirt and had buried her face in his chest.
"Arty what is wrong?" Apollo asks after some time.

Artemis looks at him. Apollo saw the dark circles under her eyes. That told him she hadn't been sleeping.

"Actually, you can tell me later. You need rest Little Moon", Apollo says softly.

He raised his hand and it glowed gold as he checked her for injuries or sickness. He found none but lack of sleep and slight sign of not eating enough.

Artemis looked at him with what he could see with panic in her eyes.

"How about you come to my Temple and have my bed for the night. You look like you need a good night's sleep", Apollo offers thinking this up on the go.

"Ok. I just need to leave a message for Thalia", Artemis mumbles getting out of his lap and quickly leaving the tent.

Apollo frowns. When has Artemis ever agreed with him and taken him up on an offer? So, what was going on?

She had obviously been anxious at the point of being sick. As he saw on the floor. He waves his hand, and the vomit disappears.

He stands looking around. He had to find out what is going on. What was so bad that Artemis…that strong…brave…independent Artemis would call him for help using their BOND that they hadn't used in centuries?

Something definably wasn't right here.

Suddenly Artemis was back looking shaky at best.

"Can you take us to your Temple?" Artemis mumbles.

She didn't what to flash as she was so tired and shaken. She sees Apollo looking at her shocked and worried.

"I can. Come here", he says offering his hand.

He was surprised when she immediately took it and pulled herself closer to him. He was also very shocked when she wrapped an arm around him. He could feel the slight tremors going through her.

"Alright here we go", Apollo murmurs comfortably.

He flashes them out of her tent and straight to his Temple. He was surprised when she didn't let go immediately.

"You can have my bed. Just call out if you need me", Apollo tells her softly.

Artemis just nods and disappears up the stairs making Apollo frown. Now he was really, really, REALLY worried. She hadn't even fought him on this.

Apollo poured himself a glass of scotch. This was a puzzle. What was going on with his sister? She calls to him panicked. Then he finds her unresponsive and having a panic attack in her tent. Her vitals were normal besides lack of sleep and being slightly malnourished. But she had been sick on the floor.

So, what was going on? What was he missing? he thought as he drunk.

Suddenly he felt panic go through his mind. His eyes widen when he realises Artemis was broadcasting her emotions to him. That she hadn't completely shut down their bond.

He quickly puts down his drink and rushes up the stairs. He goes into his bedroom to find Artemis rocking in the corner. Her eyes clouded again.

"Arty! Arty what is it?" Apollo asks rushing to her side.

She whimpers but starts to focus on him.

"Come on Arty let's go over to my bed", Apollo coaxes after scanning her for anything wrong.

Apollo gently guides her up and to his bed. Surprised that she didn't fight him. He pulls her beside him. Feeling that she was cold he wraps blankets around her.

He holds her close.

"Take deep breaths…", Apollo coaches.

Apollo was surprised to find that Artemis was trying to steady her breathing without his help. Like she knew what to do.

What the hell was going on?

He rocks her as she gets her breathing and trembling under control. But she doesn't say anything.

"Arty please talk to me. You're really worrying me", Apollo tells her after some time.

"I'm sorry…", Artemis stutters looking at him with panic.

Apollo frowns Artemis never apologised. And why was she looking panicked again?

"Arty you have no reason to be sorry", Apollo tells her, "Why would you think that?" he probes gently.

"I didn't stick up for you. I wasn't there when you were banished…", she begins to babble.

Apollo was shocked at what she thought.

"Artemis, I have never, never, NEVER, ever blamed you. Is this what this is about?" Apollo tells her.

Artemis looks at him biting her lip.
Apollo gently puts a finger under her chin and lifts it up so she could see his eyes.

"Whatever is going on Artemis I will help. I would NEVER turn you away. I have told you that before and I'll tell you again and again. Please, please Artemis trust me to help you", Apollo begs her looking her dead in the eye, "Whatever it is I won't leave you. It will NOT change my opinion of you"

"Promise?" Artemis whispers.

Apollo felt the childishness in her voice. But he could tell she needed to hear his promise.

"I swear on the River Styx", Apollo vows.

Thunder rumbles at his oath.

Artemis stutters and leans into him. She hopes he would still see her the same. She needed to tell him before this secret got anyone killed.

"I have a…a…a disorder that I have never told anyone…", Artemis stutters.

"Disorder?" Apollo asks confused and worried.

"I have bad…", Artemis hesitates.

"Have bad?" Apollo prompts.

"Bad…panic attacks…anxiety attacks", Artemis mumbles embarrassed.

Apollo was shocked by her answer. When did this start? How come nobody had noticed? How long had she been suffering from them?

"Sorry I should go", Artemis mumbles trying to get up.

Apollo shakes himself out of his shock and pulls her close. Kissing her forehead gently.

"When did this start?" Apollo asks softly and gently.

Artemis looks down. She didn't know what to say. He was holding her tight. It was comforting. But would he still hold her tight if she explained everything?

"Moonling please trust me to help you. I WILL help you if you tell me what I need to know", Apollo asks gently coaxing her.
"A few…", Artemis hesitates.

"A few…", Apollo coaxes.

"A few thousand years", Artemis whispers looking down embarrassed.

"A few thousand years?" Apollo echoes shocked. Again. How on earth did Artemis hide this?

"Yes", Artemis confirms quietly.

"When did it start?" Apollo asks gently wanting ALL the information.

Artemis doesn't want to tell him. She didn't for a number of reasons. She didn't want to seem weak. But she also didn't want Apollo to feel guilty or obligated to help her. He might even hate her too.

"When Arty? I promise this will be between us", Apollo coaxes gently.

"When…when you first got banished", Artemis whispers giving in.

She felt Apollo stiffen. Artemis whimpers he would hate her now. She again tries to move. But again, Apollo pulls her gently closer to him.

Apollo's heart felt heavy. He was shocked that HE was the cause of this. He heard Artemis whimper and start to move. He wasn't going to have that. He was going to help her. She was his sister. He loved her dearly she didn't deserve to suffer. It was his job to protect her. Even from her own mind.

"Oh, Arty I am so, so, so, so, very, very sorry", Apollo tells her kissing her forehead.

"Not your fault. Please don't blame yourself", Artemis whispers.

"Arty tell me exactly what set it off", Apollo coaxes softly.

"It started not only when you were first banished. But when you first nearly died as a mortal. I thought I was going to lose you…I couldn't cope with the thought of you dying…and never coming back…never there to help me or keep me safe. Never being here with me. Never hearing your laugh again. Never not having your pranks to make people laugh. Never having your comforting presence. Never hearing you voice again. Never seeing those kind and loving eyes again. Never hearing you sing and do bad poetry again. Never hearing you call me Arty or any other nicknames again. Never…never…I can't…I can't…", Artemis blabbers as she starts to panic again.

Apollo's heart broke for his Little Sister. Apollo never knew how much he meant to her. Apollo never knew how traumatized his Sister was. And continued to be after each time he was banished.

How did she cope all these centauries…all these thousands of years?

He was broken out of his thoughts by Artemis's once again laboured breathing. Signalling her third panic attack in just a few hours. But this panic attack had tears falling from Artemis's eyes. They were soaking his shirt. Not that he cared.

"Shh Little One. I am here. I'm NOT going anywhere. I will never leave you. I swear on the River Styx", Apollo coos to her over and over again, "I love you so very, very, VERY much. I couldn't truly leave you even if I tried. I love you more than my own life. I adore you Arty. I treasure you. I have always and ALWAYS will. You're the MOST important person in my life. I can't ever see that change. You will never have to find out the hard way. I swear that on the River Styx. On everything that is possible and even our bond as twins"

He continues to gently talk to her in her ear. Holding her close. Placing kisses on her head and telling her how much he loved her.

Apollo felt her start to calm down from her sobbing and her panic attack. She leans against him exhausted. Why wouldn't she be after what she told him? And from her three panic attacks.
"Moonling can you tell me if anything else comes with your panic and anxiety attacks?" Apollo asks gently.

"Just nightmares and sometimes after bad ones I can't eat without getting sick", Artemis replies tiredly.

Apollo hums, "Ok we can deal with that. I'll be by your side through it all as I should have been all along"

"We deal?" Artemis asks looking up at him.

He could see the redness and puffiness of her eyes.

"Yes. You're not going anywhere Little Moon", Apollo says softly kissing her forehead, "Would you want that?"

He was giving her a choice. He hoped since she had already reached out to him, she would accept.

"Yes please", Artemis replies nearly crying in relief, "Please help me"

"I will. I will. Now you MUST sleep Arty. Your exhausted", Apollo replies.

"But my nightm…", Artemis starts shaking slightly.

"I'll be right beside you. I promise to wake you if I feel or see you in distress. Would you like that?" Apollo promises.

"Yes please. I'm so, so, so, so tired. Please stay with me", Artemis begs him.

"I will never leave you", Apollo replies kissing her forehead.

Apollo gently lowers them down. And holds her close.

He felt Artemis drift off within minutes.

He now he was going to find a way to help her…

Apollo let Artemis sleep as long as she wanted. As long as she didn't have nightmares. She didn't. She HAD started to whimper when he moved to get up. But as soon as he was lying back down, she calmed. But she never woke. Which told Apollo that Artemis was truly exhausted and that his presence seemed to help her which was good.

Artemis starts to move in his arms. And seemed to stiffen a bit.

"Moonlet it is ok. You're with me", Apollo says gently.

Artemis's eyes open. She was groggy. She had such a good sleep. The best she had, had in a very long while.

"My protector", she mumbles sleepily.

Apollo smiles he liked that name.

"Yes, I'm your protector. Now would you like something to eat?" Apollo asks.

"I guess. How long was I asleep?" Artemis replies.

"19 hours", Apollo replies.

Artemis's eyes widen. She had never slept that long.
"You seem surprised", Apollo states, "Why?"

"I never have slept that long", Artemis confesses.

Apollo kisses her forehead.

"We will see what we can do about that", Apollo promises.

Apollo then leaves Artemis to get cleaned up and went to make breakfast. Making cinnamon rolls and pancakes. Which were some of Artemis's favourite breakfast foods.

"Smells good", she says.

Apollo turns to see Artemis dressed in HIS clothes walking towards him.

"Thanks. Why don't you sit down?" Apollo suggests.

Artemis nods and sits. He saw her looking upset and embarrassed.

"What is wrong Arty? You have nothing, absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about", Apollo asks placing the food down and sitting across from her.

"I just don't know how to let someone help me", Artemis admits.

"So, nobody knows of you having Panic and Anxiety attacks?" Apollo asks curiously.

"Zoe knew. She caught me a couple of times before she got it out of me", Artemis replies.

"How have you hidden it all these years?" Apollo asks.

"I normally have them in my tent or if I'm away from my tent I find a secluded spot. And I would normally make up some other excuse, so nobody knew how weak I am", Artemis whispers looking down.

"Phoebe Artemis", Apollo says sternly.

Artemis looks at him. He had never called her by her full name before.
"Listen to me. You're not weak. Far from it. You showed courage when you told me everything. That took a lot of guts. You are the strongest woman I know. And probably I will ever know", Apollo tells her truthfully.

"But…", Artemis starts.

"No buts Little One. Nothing could ever change my mind", Apollo tells her softly.

"Thank you", Artemis says looking at him.
"I will always be here for you. Always. And we will work together to get your back to normal. Or near normal. As panic and anxiety attacks never fully go away", Apollo tells her softly.

"Brother, I need help. Before my panic gets someone killed", Artemis confesses her thoughts.
"You did the right thing. And we will do this at your pace. Just know I will ALWAYS come to you when you need me", Apollo vows.

"Can I…can I…", Artemis stutters.

"Can I want? Tell me Little One. I won't laugh at you", Apollo says softly.

"Can I keep our bond open?" Artemis asks timidly/shyly.

Apollo's eyes soften more than they already were.
"Of course. I would feel better if you did", Apollo replies.

They eat in comfortable silence. But Apollo was watching Artemis to make sure she ate.

"I am sorry I bothered you so soon after you got your Godhood back", Artemis tells him.

"You could never, never bother me. I am very glad you came to me. But you should have done it a long time ago", Apollo tells her.

"I just didn't what you to hate me", Artemis whispers.

Apollo was stunned why would she think that?

"Why would I hate you?" Apollo asks gently.

"Because I didn't do anything to help you when you were banished or when you were injured or…", Artemis blabbers on.

Apollo gets up and moves to her side. Seeing the start of a panic attack.

"It is alright Moonling. I am here. I'm alive and I'll never leave you", Apollo coos pulling her into his arms and leading her over to the couch.

"I'm sorry this keeps happening. I'll try…", Artemis starts.

"You have NOTHING to be apologising for. You just need help. And I will gladly help you and provide comfort and support. And you don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you don't want to stay…", Apollo says.

"I want to stay!" Artemis exclaims before blushing and looking down.

Apollo pulls her close again.
"You never have to leave if that's want you want. And if you don't want me to leave your side, I'll do that too", Apollo tells her.

Artemis thinks about it. After her talk with Apollo last night, she had gotten a perfect night's sleep. She had felt reassured and loved.

"Can you stay with me?" Artemis asks hesitantly.

"Of course. I won't leave you side. We are in this together", Apollo replies.

"Together?" Artemis asks wanting to conformation.

"Together. We are twins Arty. Nothing can separate us, and I'll do everything I can to make sure that never happens", Apollo replies.

Artemis curled up in his arms. She felt reassured, loved, safe and relieved.

She hoped that what Apollo said was true. But for some reason she completely believed him.

"I love you Apolly", Artemis murmurs into his chest.

Apollo smiles softly. She hadn't used that nickname in thousands of years unless she was sick.

"I love you too Arty. My twin. Always have and always will", Apollo vows.

Apollo was going to make sure he wouldn't be parted from her. He would stand by her side till she orders him away.

But Apollo knew it would take a lot of time and reassurance to help Artemis with her panic and anxiety attacks. And constant support and guidance. But they would never truly go away.

But he would always be by her side when she had an attack. Nothing will stop him from being by his sisters side. Not even their Father or distance would stop him.

This he promised himself and her…

"I love you forever Little Moon", Apollo whispers nuzzling her head, "And things WILL get better"

"I love you forever too my protector", Artemis replies causally leaning on his chest.

Apollo smiles at her.

"Apollo I want to tell you something", Artemis replies getting confidence in her eyes.
"What Moonlet?" Apollo asks curiously.

"I want to help with your promise to Jason. And I want to help you with getting Meg back", Artemis tells him.
"You know?" Apollo asks.

"Yes. And I promise to help you with both", Artemis vows.

"Thank you, Little Sis. But you don't have too", Apollo replies

"I WANT too. And anyway, I am not going anywhere apart from with you anyway. I want to help", Artemis tells him.

"Then I would gladly take your help. And who knows we might just change everything. And this might actually help you"

"Do you really believe that?" Artemis asks him.

"I do", Apollo says truthfully.

"Apollo you won't tell anyone about my panic and anxiety attacks will you?" Artemis asks anxiously.

"I won't breathe a word. I promise Arty as long as you want this a secret, I will keep it a secret", Apollo vows.

"Thank you for being you", Artemis says again.
"There is nothing to thank me for. I love you Arty and I would do anything for you", Apollo replies.

Artemis snuggles into Apollo's chest.

They sit there and relax completely at ease with each other. Just happy to be in each other's presence.

Artemis knew she had a long away to go. But for the first time she felt hope. And she felt loved and protected and she just knew that Apollo would stick by her side.

For the first time in so long Artemis relaxed. And allowed her brother to comfort and support her.

Now she was glad she told Apollo.

He was her protector.

Her north star.

Now he would help her, and Artemis knew that.

They were in this together…

Author's Note: What do you think? Please Review:)