Chapter 9: She is Young, She is Beautiful, She is Next

"Why did she ask him to do something he barely understood when she could have done it herself? Women."

— 17 —

Uncle Qrow once told Ruby the only reason to sneak out of your room past midnight was a late night booty call or the bathroom. In either case, the purpose was to make use of that thing between your legs.

Ruby didn't especially think that was true. Mostly because in this particular case, she was sneaking out to steal the last bits of Blake's birthday cake from the fridge. She intended to use her mouth for that. Although in a roundabout way, it would wind up being used for the bathroom, so maybe her uncle had a point. Unlike Pyrrha, who did not have a point. Even though Blake had plenty of birthday cake and other snacks left over, and for the past week it seemed like nobody had been going into the fridge and taking them out, Pyrrha had very firmly told Ruby it would be rude to eat the cake anyways.

But that was dumb. Sure, Weiss' cooking could best be described as "edible in prison," but prison had a way of lowering everyone's standards and making you desperate. Her Dad once went to prison. That was where he got his tattoo from, which he told her a strapping young lad in Vacuo had the other matching half of. Now, mind you, he had gone to prison in a foreign country as part of a mission, but who was she to judge?

Just like how nobody should judge Ruby for going out to try to snag a bit of that really awful cookies-and-cream cheesecake.

Two slices, really. It was the middle of the night and she was hungry. And she didn't get a chance to have dinner. Ruby and Nora had been tinkering with their weapons in the workshop all night.

She had just plated them up when she noticed the light from the common room. Usually, the lights in the dorm stayed off at night, which Ruby thought made opposite sense. You would think the lights would be on at night, when people needed them, but no. Aside from the little light beneath the microwave, people left things dark at night.

Ruby poked her head into the common room and found Jaune hunkered down in front of her console, poking at it and a controller. The boy had this way of looking like a misfit toy when he was all alone. As if he didn't belong anyway, and he was subconsciously unable to shake the knowledge. It was in the way he spoke with this bizarre accent Ruby had never heard before. The curious sleeve tattoos he had running up his left arm, with symbols and poetry known only to him next to scars and more recent burns. And most of all, the dumb little faces he made to himself when no one was watching.

Jaune only seemed at home when he was with other people. It was the only time he belonged. And it wasn't because he suddenly became normal. It was more that he managed to drag everyone down to his stupid level. That's why everyone said Team BASS was hostile and cliquish. As someone who knew Jaune and liked to hang out with him, Ruby could see how easy it was to go down to his level and just lose yourself in the stupidity.

He held the controller upside down, shaking it as if to bring it to life. When that didn't work, he jerked his head to the ceiling and made a compressed grunt, like someone trying to scream in frustration without waking up someone mere feet away from them.

If it were anybody but Jaune, Ruby might have continued to stand there. She probably would have agonized over whether or not she should interrupt him, if she wanted him to know she was there, or what he would think if he found her slinking around at night stealing cheesecake.

But this was Jaune. His opinion of her almost didn't matter, in a way which really mattered. She felt like she could do anything, and he would just roll with it.

Plus, Jaune was still wearing her cross necklace as if it had religious significance to him.

"You really don't know how to play video games, do you?" Ruby asked, sitting down on the couch to eat. "Also, my console. You do not have my permission to have fun."

Jaune didn't seem startled, which she had been hoping for. All he really did was squeeze the controller a little harder, which she saw mostly in the tensing of the veins running up and down his arms. "What are you, my mom?"

"Wife," she said, fork in mouth. "And unless you're suffering from some severe psychological issues, I wouldn't recommend confusing the two."

"So, you're saying if I developed some kind of mental illness, you'd be my mom?"

Ruby poked at the cookie crust of the cheesecake. "Oh, no. I'm a busy girl with an important life to live. If you get a mental illness or like cancer or PTSD, I'm divorcing you and moving on to a younger model."

"I feel so loved."

She shrugged helplessly. "My entire frame of maternal reference is dying or running away. Really, I'm just a product of my environment."

He managed to turn the TV on and then sat down on the couch, opposite her. He hesitated before saying, "You're surprisingly cool with that."

"Hmm?" she asked, fork in mouth.

He made a gesture, leaning forwards slightly. "Mom stuff, I mean." He paused, fidgeting with the controller in his hands in a way that, for some reason, gave Ruby sinewy strands of anxiety for him. "I keep thinking it's the kind of thing you never talk about, or never even think about, but then here you are, making a joke about it. I almost think it's morbid."

Ruby licked the bits of cheesecake off her fork, giving her time to think. "It's… I mean, yeah. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it just feels like the funniest thing I can say. I didn't know my mom very long, but I knew her enough to know that if the only thing thinking of her ever did was make me sad, then she would feel awful. I kind of think wherever she is, she's a lot happier knowing that I can make jokes about it. Kinda make sure that her memory makes me smile instead of making me want to cry anymore."

"Mm," he grunted, looking out towards the window. Although he turned his head from her, she could sense the distant look in his eyes. Lost in some memory she didn't want to pry into.

Ruby let out a breath. "Okay. Momentary bit of post midnight heavy self-reflection over. The heck are you still doing awake?"

"I was working in the tower. I don't get called every weekend evening anymore. But the soldiers there wanted some help with some network stuff. The guys made me some coffee early into the shift and it still hasn't worn off. So I'm awake and just trying to kill that until I can fall asleep."

"The big communication tower has soldiers in it?"

Jaune shrugged. "I guess. It's kind of a messy thing. Used to be this international partnership. Now it's just Vale. There's some worry I might need to get asked to help during the night of the dance because they predict something going on there. It's a little vague."

"Well, that just means I need to get on my dance with you before you get called away."

He looked towards the window. "No offense, but I was planning on using that little time with Blake."

"And what better way to establish my dominance than stealing you from your partner?" she asked with a wink.

He looked at her from across the couch, expression a bit more serious and thoughtful than she was used to. Ruby thought that maybe joking about messing with his partner had somehow crossed a line. Those two did seem pretty close. And she knew from eavesdropping on their super personal conversation together, apparently in some kind of confusing emotional mess.

Instead, his expression slowly shifted to something more discerning. She almost felt he was drinking her in with his eyes and didn't like the taste. If anything, it was because Ruby was made with all natural sugar instead of the artificial sweeteners he preferred.

"Ruby, why aren't you wearing any pants?"

She looked down at herself, then scowled. "What, so you can go around half naked with your tiddy out, and I'm not allowed to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night with a t-shirt and underwear? Do you think girls sleep wrapped in clothing and fully dressed?"

"My team is coed," he said mildly. "I'd sleep naked if I dormed alone."

Ruby finished her cheesecake and set the plate aside. "Send pics."

He cocked an eyebrow. "For pleasure or profit?"

She fluttered her lashes, putting a hand to her chest. "Jaune, you are my boywife. I own your reproductive rights. Now send nudes. I'll keep one copy, and sell the others. We'll split the profits towards a new console."

"See, that's the difference between us: I have something people want to see," he said, turning his nose up fractionally. "If you got it, you can flaunt it."

"I'm plenty cute! Crack an egg on me and it'll sizzle!"

Jaune frowned. "You're the kind of girl your boyfriend would have to awkwardly explain to his friends 'I mean, she's got a really great personality' before he introduces you to them."

"Got a lot of experience handling your boyfriend, I take it?"

"Ask your father," he said.

Ruby rolled her eyes. "Just hand me the other controller already. While this is still a conversation and not a hostage negotiation."

He handed one to her, upside down and backwards. She gave him a stupefied look before using it to turn the console on and setting herself up as player one when the game loaded in.

"How did you do that?" he asked, still holding the controller wrong.

"I pressed this button. Turns itself on and loads me in. Wireless controllers. Have you really never played one of these things?"

He shifted the controller, and was now holding it sideways. "No? Video games is boring. I was hoping to play them in order to bore myself to sleep. Reckoned it might could be faster than waiting for the caffeine to withdraw."

"You're boring."

"Says the girl with the red hair who only wears red." He gestured at her with the hand holding the controller. "Because, ring ring, Weiss' sense of fashion called. She wants her creative bankruptcy back!"

Ruby snorted. "I mean, getting rid of that prissy haircut was creative. What do you got against your teammate?"

"Nothing. Love her to death," he said so completely matter of factly that it was almost startling. Like with his partner, it was like he would close ranks and defend his teammates regardless of the context. "It's just, her name means white, and all she wears is white. That would be like me accidentally pissing in my boxers and going 'Yes, I am sticking with my color naming theme.'"

"What color does your name mean?"

"Yellow, I think. It's Valais. My sword also means Yellow Death, which I think is more than a mite bit weird. I don't really think of yellow as being a deathly color. White and maybe black, perhaps. But Yellow Death sounds like a terrible hair metal band."

Ruby put her finger in her mouth just to make a popping noise with her cheek. "If it's a bright yellow when you pee in your undies, that means you need to drink more water."

He looked at her dubiously as she scrolled through the menus of her game. "Who am I to question the underwear judgment of the girl without pants?"

Ruby scooted towards him. "Oh, please. Like you're one to talk. You are literally one chill breeze away from being a walnut. Your sweatpants could not be any tighter. I honestly think you would look more modest if you were naked."

"Your vile harlotry shall not persuade me to disrobe."

"Already mostly naked."

"You or me?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "I think between the both of us, we have exactly half a wardrobe." She nudged him with her elbow. "Also, stop just sitting there and sign in as player two already. One v. one me. I already have my character picked out."

Jaune shifted his position on the side of the couch, looking at his controller. "Okay, so real talk, I ain't playing witcha—how?"

She sighed heavily. Leaning over his body, she collected the controller from his hands, set it the right way up, and turned it on.

"Personal space, personal space!" he whined.

Ruby continued leaning against him, staring him down. Establishing dominance.

He pushed her away. "Back, you. You are literally just begging for someone to walk in and have a comically unfunny misunderstanding of the situation."

"Nya!" she grunted. Ruby aggressively poked at his arms, getting around his defenses, proving that he was helpless before her onslaught. She went for those veins that kept sticking out, as if she could poke them back into his skin so they stopped aggressively existing at her.

"No, not my innocent biceps!" he cried out. "You're going to pop my arm nipples. How, then, will I feed my young?"

Ruby snatched the controller away from him, still way up in his personal space. "But for real, you're holding that thing so wrong it's actually embarrassing. Here, I can teach ya."

"But will you have to charge?"

She made a face. "Iunno. The free market of goods and ideas presupposes that you have something I want." She gestured with the controller. "You got nothin'. All I need is a worthy opponent."

He frowned almost comically, shoulders slumping. "The best I can do is button mashing and screaming like a little girl."

Ruby shrugged shoulder. "I shall groom you into the perfect gamer, like a racehorse."

"I think it's a bad omen to mention gamer and race in the same sentence. Grooming too, while we're at it. That entire sentence was just ew."

She sighed, rolling her eyes. Leaning over him, she took his hands and put them on the controller. As she explained the basics of how to actually hold the thing, showing off buttons, telling a little stories of combos, and giving him the rundown on how to actually be a normal human being with normal hobbies, Jaune seemed to get the hang of it. When it was done, he was still holding the controller like his hands were numb, but good enough.

"You really don't have any respect for personal space, do you?" he asked mildly, leaning over to grab something off the floor beside the couch.

Ruby blew air through her lips. "I wrote my name on you like a drunk uncle on white snow. So of course I don't, not with you!" She winked.

But she nearly jumped in surprise when he swung a blanket around and covered them both.

"Here," he said, maneuvering himself so that the blanket wrapped around his chest and kept his arms free. "Stay warm. Stay woke."

She gave him a skeptical look for a long moment, and then just settled in beside him on the couch. She didn't need to stare at her hands to know how to operate the controller. "You know, it's weird. One moment it's like you don't want me to violate your personal space like I'm a frat boy and you're a drunk college girl, and the next you throw a blanket around us."

He navigated through the character selection screen. "The female body is sinful. If I keep you covered under the blanket, I can pretend like you have a penis, and therefore it ain't gay for you to touch me."

Ruby snorted, choosing her character. And then selected the random stage option before Jaune had a chance to figure out what was going on. "Oh, please. You're, like, the gayest guy I know."

"I'm so straight I turn women gay with my sheer heterosexual energy."

She pretended to lower a pair of sunglasses at him, like Coco would do. "Give me a single shred of evidence you're not gay."

He puffed out his lips, hands on hips. "Well, you got me there, Ruby!"

She laughed as the level began. And instantly, she was air juggling his character. Absolutely mopping the floor with him and this fighting game. Jaune just kept smashing the kick button and it didn't really work. Ruby used her character's Semblance and scythe to avoid getting melee damage and repeatedly stabbed him from behind.

"Oh, you would pick the scythe character," he said with a pout.

Ruby tried not to look too smug when she smiled up at him. "She's my favorite character, actually. In my opinion, when you play her in story mode, she has the best dialogue and the coolest arc. She's actually based on a copyright free interpretation of my uncle."

Jaune's character kept jumping in the air and kicking, and missing. It looked like he was having a stroke. He grabbed a healing item from a random drop and it was about the only thing keeping him in the fight.

"Your uncle is in a video game?" he asked.

Ruby adjusted herself and the blanket, mostly so that she could easily elbow Jaune and keep him on his toes. "Sorta. It's Soul Hunter. Sometimes really important and famous Hunters can get their likenesses on merchandise."

"I'd buy the officially licensed Qrow life-sized blow-up sex doll," he said. "With detachable penis and kung-fu grip!"

Perfect time to elbow him! "No, dummy. I mean, like in video games or comics. There's this cheesy Vytal Festival game that they make every year as a kind of commercial tie-in. The best students of the year who compete actually show up in the video game, if they license your likeness. You give them a little bio, some information on your moves. But they're never accurate, I find. Most Huntsmen don't really wanna give away their Semblance details. And most of the time, the kids in the game are trying to make themselves look a lot cooler than they are."

Ruby tucked a bit of loose hair behind her ear, and then continued to kick the boy's butt. "I've always wanted to be in a video game. Thought it would be cool to have my own merchandise. Last year, Team CFVY actually got into the game, and I actually liked playing Velvet. She jumped around and was super flexible."

"Why don't we play that game?" he asked. "I would be down for anything that let me take out my annoyance with Velvet by giving her the old Watership Down."

"It's a yearly release; it's not as good as Soul Hunter, which has an actual development cycle." She frowned. "Also, what do you have against Velvet? I thought you and her team fought side by side all throughout that city."

He held up his controller at her. "You're turning me back into a gamer. Racism is the logical next step."

Ruby scowled, elbowing him again. "That's not funny, Jaune. Velvet's nice. And whenever I ask her, she always has solid music recommendations."

Jaune died in-game. He compressed a sigh, looking out the window. When Ruby poked him, he kind of just fell backwards, head lolling over the couch. His eyes seemed to glaze over as he looked up towards one of the air vents.

She could see the way he didn't really want to respond to that. From the way the muscles around his face twitched, he was clearly trying to think up a way to justify himself. A way to actually make sense of his own opinions. Ruby didn't interrupt him, waiting for him to reach his own conclusions.

"It's complicated, Ruby. Coco? Yeah, I can fuck with that. Can't fuck me none with the rest of her team. There's no vibe." He sat forwards as the next level loaded in. "I actually have nothing against faunus."

"Your only problem is with women, right?"

He snapped his fingers happily. "Bet. I don't hate Velvet because she isn't human. I hate her because she is a woman."

With her hands occupied, Ruby did the next best thing. She leaned over and bit him on the shoulder.

"Ow, Ruby!"

She blew raspberries at him. "I'm a woman too!"

"How about I bite you too?"

She hissed like a cat, arching her fingers into claws. "If you bite me, I will reach out and pop your nipples like zits!"

He assumed a defensive posture, which was kind of awkward when they were both side to side under a blanket. "I will individually boil your kneecaps!"

She jumped up, standing there on the couch. "I will frame you for my murder, when in reality I will disappear to begin my new life as a tulip in Menagerie!"

Jaune grabbed her hand and pulled her back down. She ended up falling all over him in a tangled mess of limbs. "I will make you pay taxes," Jaune threatened, every syllable dripping venom and pure malice.

Ruby gasped, disappearing into a storm of rose petals only to reappear wrapped up tight in the blanket. "You wouldn't!"

He snatched the blanket back from her so he could drape it over himself. "Legally speaking, if you die, whoever inherits your stuff has to pay an inheritance tax, I'm pretty sure. Naturally, I'm forwarding the bill to a tulip in Menagerie."

She rubbed her chin. "Do I even legally own property? I don't really have a house or a motor carriage or any stock assets."

He poked her. "I'm pretty sure your scythe counts as property. If you die, I'm going to inherit it as your lawful husband, and then use Crescent Rose as actual farm equipment."

Ruby slapped her chest, gasping again in horror. In fact, she didn't gasp enough. She held up her finger to pause for time, allowing her to inhale and exhale enough for at least two more dramatic gasps. "Pwease, siw," she said in some kind of weird baby voice. "Don't do that to Cwescent Wose. Pwease. I'll do anything, mistah!"

Jaune inched his head back fractionally, giving her one hell of a look of horror. "Never take that tone of voice with me ever again and I will consider us equal."

She snapped a pair of finger guns in his direction. "Yo, it's a dealio, cat." She looked over at the TV and made sure her character pushed his off a ledge and killed him.

"Ruby!" he snapped. "I was going to win that battle."

Ruby sneered, laughing at the soft fragility of virtual human life. "Jaune, you suck at the art of the deal. I was at least expecting, I don't know—something funny in return. You gave up at the first offer. You never do that. You're supposed to double down and see what you can get out of it."

He leaned back into the couch, giving her the side eye. "I recall a certain little precious minx telling me that I had nothing to offer her, and she has nothing to offer me, thus."

Ruby suppressed a scoff. "Who the heck says thus anymore?" She shook her head. "Actually, nevermind. I was trying to make a joke. I forget where I was going with it. Jerk!" She bumped her shoulder into his, but he was frustratingly very solid.

"She forgor," he said.

She narrowed her eyes and repeated in a slightly more throaty voice, "Forgor."

A third person made a noise from the doorway. Coco of all people was standing there. Jaune might look like a misfit toy when it was all alone, but Coco looked like her own skin was something she didn't want. She had been walking with a slight slumped posture ever since getting back from Montluçon. The bags under her eyes made her look perpetually exhausted, the kind of tiredness you could fall into where sleep became impossible as a result. The look didn't suit Coco.

She looked over the room, the expression behind her eyes almost like there was a momentary lag between her brain and what she was seeing. Or that maybe she needed to manually digest everything she saw before conscious thought clicked in and she understood. Not that she was really following along what she was seeing.

If anything, Coco looked like she really needed a hug. Anything to make her smile and stand up straight again. As it was, it looked like the only person who was hugging her was herself, and it wasn't nearly enough to give her the confidence to merely exist in her own skin.

"Am I interrupting something?" Coco asked with the scratchiness of someone who had just woken up.

Jaune scowled. "Oh, great. Another half naked girl showing up in the middle of the night when I'm trying to have alone time."

Still hugging herself to stay warm, Coco made a face. "I'm wearing a nightshirt. And a hat. You're legally still fully dressed when you're wearing a hat. But for real, what are you two doing?"

Ruby tightened the blanket she was wearing. "What are you doing? This isn't even your floor."

Coco shrugged, walking into the room. She moved with the careful kind of coordination of someone under the influence trying to feign sobriety. Or maybe someone for whom walking was painful. "Honestly, I couldn't sleep. I was hoping to steal your console and see where the night took me. Didn't expect to see you two."

"Do you know how to play Soul Hunter?" Jaune asked.

"A little."

As soon as she was in range, Jaune grabbed Coco's hand and pulled her down onto the couch. She landed between and somewhat on top of both him and Ruby with an, "Oof!" It looked like the way she bent had hurt her back more than she was letting on, but she grit her teeth and tried to play it off like she hadn't just been hurt. Ruby felt a pang of worry.

"Ruby," Jaune said, projecting his voice like some kind of announcer. "This is my son and surrogate, Coco. She might also technically be my adopted sibling; our relationship is weird and mildly incestuous. She will be playing the role of Jaune kicking your ass in tonight's episode."

Coco looked like she wanted to adjust her sunglasses, but wasn't wearing them at this hour. It almost seemed to throw her off. She tried to settle in, and Ruby threw the blanket over her so all three of them were in a tight little blanket bundle. And to give Coco the kind of warmth where she wouldn't need to hug herself.

"But I'm a girl, not your son?" Coco said.

Jaune didn't look convinced. "Impossible. I actually like you, and it's impossible for me to like a girl. Therefore the only conclusion is that you have an honorary penis."

"Ooh!" Ruby said, clapping her hands together. "How do I get one of those?"

Coco looked down at the controller Jaune had thrust into her hands. "I don't know. I guess either go to a sex shop, or wiggle your butt on some boy's lap while secretly carrying a pair of scissors."

Ruby examined her hand, making little scissor motions with the fingers. With an impish gleam, she smiled at Jaune. Before ducking under the blanket to crawl over Coco, she said, "Jaune, hold still. There's not enough room on this couch for three of us. I'm borrowing your lap!"

The boy grabbed one of the pillows off the couch and threw it right into Ruby's face. "No horni!" he said.

It didn't help at the moment she stepped on Coco, the girl flinched, kneeing her in the chest.

"Ow, watch the boob!" Ruby hissed, sitting back and rubbing her injury.

"Sorry," Coco said quickly.

Jaune glared self-protectively. "Don't apologize to her, Coco. You can't injure that which she does not have. That would be like saying you hurt my feelings. Impossible!"

Ruby bared her teeth like a monkey about to strike. "How dare you besmirch my tactical tiddy! My easily snuggled milkies! My, uh, perfectly proportioned cat's meows! These super duper palm-fitting—"

Jaune threw the other couch pillow at her. "Why does everything with you have to get weirdly sexual? Yang's right."

Ruby frowned as hard as she could.

Coco just looked to the left, and then the right, between the both of them. "What the… is this the kind of shit you get up to when I leave you two alone?"

"We don't typically let her out in public for a reason," Jaune said.

"I'm not being weird!" Ruby huffed. "At least I'm wearing a shirt. You're just naked. If I was being weird, I would be like, uh…" She snapped her fingers at Coco. "Dang, girl, I see why they call you Coco! With that pair, you've always got milk for your coffee!"

Coco stared for a long moment, before awkwardly laughing out a, "Okay, what the fuck?"

Despite her tone, it was good to see Coco smiling. Almost like she was gaining a sliver of humanity again.

Ruby sucked in on her lips, trying to frown. It resulted in a weird twisting of her mouth. Her cheeks felt hot and flush, a sensation running down her chest and almost to her stomach.

"See what I mean?" he asked.

"I'm perfectly normal!" Ruby said, throwing her hands up. She was almost breathing heavy.

In a matter of fact tone, Jaune, "Ruby, I no longer feel comfortable in your presence."

She scowled. "That's because I'm twice the man as you and at least three times the lady."

Jaune did some finger math. "Hm. The numbers check out!"

Coco, continuing to look completely lost and mildly afraid, said, "Wait, so where does that put me on the mathematical lady scale?"

"We already established that you are a boy," Ruby said, puffing up one of her cheeks.

"Coco is exactly one times the man," Jaune said. "As an honorary boy, this is the highest rank she can achieve. Perfectly average."

Coco folded her arms. But despite what the gesture might apply, she looked like she was relaxing, becoming more and more at ease as the bullshit and stupidity mounted. "I feel like this scale is rigged. I'm not about to get involved in something I can't win."

Ruby realized Coco already had a character selected. She quickly chose her own character and set up a stage. As the two of them started fighting with their characters, Ruby said, "Actually, good point. Is it even possible to win as a boy?"

Jaune shifted beneath the blanket they were all under. "Bet. I have won. You will find no higher ranked boy than myself. My mere presence turns women gay because they realize they will never have a chance with such a real man."

Coco was actually giving Ruby a run for her money in the game. "But didn't you agree to come back as a girl next time, Jaune?"

It was a subtle thing, but Jaune looked uncommonly confused for a moment. In a way which Ruby thought was peculiar. He almost looked like he had said something he never should have, maybe during a drunken blackout. It was in the way his mouth hung open slightly, his eyes went distant. Then his neck twitched fractionally, and he seemed to remember something. The look of mild worry faded.

Ruby had to wonder what that was about. Why he almost seemed to panic at a reincarnation joke. It was a pretty common religious belief out in Mistral.

"I only said that to give you hope that there is a universe out there where you have a shot with me," Jaune said.

Ruby hissed as her character died. "No! How dare you defeat me!"

Coco laughed at Ruby, which only made her sulk. To Jaune she said, "And let me guess, in a world in which you have tits, you'd still 'choose' to be straight, right?"

Jaune snorted. "Ew, no."

"Aw, so you do like me," Coco cooed, mockingly trying to pinch his cheek. It was such a friendly and physical gesture that, for a moment, Ruby wondered if Coco was snapping out of the funk she had been in since returning from the mission.

A vague part of Ruby felt jealous Jaune was somehow the one dragging Coco out of the pits instead of her. But a bigger part of her was just happy to see Coco acting almost like her normal old self.

He brushed her off. "No. See, if I am a girl who is straight, then that means I like dick, which is gay. But being a lesbian is just another word for gay. There is literally no reality in which I'm a bitch and not gay. Miss me with that gay shit."

"You really like asserting you're straight, huh?" Coco asked.

Ruby glanced at the two. "It's, like, his one joke. Someone probably laughed at it once and he's never been able to replicate that high."

"Hey!" Jaune whined, scrunching his shoulders and frowning.

"Also," Ruby said, getting a Final Ultimate Combo and killing Coco's fighter, "he hates all women, so he'd probably kill himself if he was a girl."

"I don't hate all women," Jaune said, putting a hand to his chest as if offended. "The good ones get to become honorary boys, like Coco, Blake, or Cardin."

Coco leaned back, giving the boy a skeptical look. "Cardin? What, was that douchebag born a girl or something?"

Jaune shook his head. "Nah, my bro was just born a massive fucking pussy. I've had to slowly inculcate him with the ways of men. Such as no longer being a bitch who bullies Velvet. He is on the cusp of finally earning his man card. I shall be the one to lead him to that promised land of testosterone, where the forests are made of gym equipment, and everyone's blood type is protein shake."

"I thought you didn't like Velvet," Ruby said.

Coco self-consciously adjusted her beret. She cleared her throat and continued in vain trying not to lose the fight against Ruby. The girl was closing up again, and it made Ruby swallow.

"I said I hated her not because she was of a different race, but because she was a woman. Very important difference, Ruby."

After she let out a long breath, Coco said, "Look, Jaune, I get how you don't like Velvet because she and your partner don't get along, but she's really not a bad person. And it's, I don't know, kind of a dick move to talk bad about her like that."

He ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I—I know. But it's still really annoying. I get how we probably should work past it, but I don't really understand what will make us all click together. You and I vibe really well."

"Mm, because I adopted you without your consent," Coco said. "You're basically my protégé; how you do out there reflects back on me. Also, you're stupid in an endearing, mentally handicapped puppy kind of way."

"My spirit animal is some kind of dog."

"I believe it." She sniffed and rubbed her nose on her forearm.

He shook his head. "But what I'm getting at is, I don't really have anything in particular against your team. I just don't like it when they're mean to my partner. So I figured, why not, smash them together and hopefully something will work. Why do you think I paired her off with Velvet when we were trying to figure out who should be planning what part of the dance? Velvet and Blake, Shamrock and Fox, Weiss and that giant boy with the inexplicable feminist agenda, and you conmigo."

"Yeah, was wondering about that," Coco said. Then, grimacing: "I was going along with it, but it seemed like you were enjoying how much Velvet and Blake didn't want to work together."

Jaune sighed. "It's complicated. Our teams don't get along, so pairing off one from each seemed like the smart romcom-type solution to our problem. I mean, not for you and me. I think you're cool as heck. Appreciate our time together, girl." He elbowed Coco playfully.

"Thanks," she said uncomfortably, shoulders unsteady.

He winked, giving a thumbs-up.

Coco swore as Ruby defeated her. She handed her controller to Jaune, who picked a random character and was battling Ruby within moments.

"Man, I keep winning, and I'm not getting nothin' for my trouble," Ruby whined.

"I have nothing to give but my freedom," Jaune said, giving a truly pathetic but spirited attempt to beat her this round.

"So, what, it is going to be some kind of slave for a day shenanigan?" Coco asked, scratching her head under her beret. She grimaced mildly.

Ruby choked. "Uh, ew. First of all, we've all read fanfiction. So no. Secondly, I don't personally believe you can own another human being, and I'm not about to violate my moral integrity just to flex on Jaune. Very tempting, but no."

Jaune shot her a skeptical look. "I like how you can unironically say 'first of all' when it's clear you haven't even had a single sentient thought in the first place."

"Being self-aware is overrated," Ruby said. "You of all people can appreciate that."

"I have reached Heaven through violence, and thus I am perfect and am in no more need of character development."

Ruby stuck her tongue out. "Yeah, well, you can develop by losing to me!"

"I've never lost anything," he said dangerously, leaning forward to focus on the game.

"That explains how you kept your virginity!"

"It takes one to know one," he said. "But I don't know you at all!"

Ruby tilted her head in confusion. "Are you implying I sleep around or that you've known the touch of a woman? I'm having trouble believing either."

"I make room between myself and any woman for my Lord and Savior."

"You're touching Coco. All of our legs are touching. There's literally no room between us."

"Honorary boy, remember? My God be gucci with that. It ain't gay to touch your vaginabled bros."

"Never known the touch of a woman, got it!" Ruby said with a wink, and proceeded to wallop his character in the game.

Coco rubbed her eyes. They looked tired, with mild bags beneath them. Every time Ruby looked at them, they somehow looked worse, deeper. "I like how you can be really mean to each other but it's clear you don't hate each other. It makes me feel somewhat less awkward to be weirdly jammed in the middle of you two."

Ruby bumped Coco's leg with her own. "You should hang with us more often. We've got remarkably less sexual tension than your traditional group of coeds. We'd have fun together!"

"Less, but not none?" Coco asked with a little laugh. "Because I think Jaune's got a point that anything involving girls is gay."

"Hollaback!" Jaune said, pumping his fist.

With a roll of the eyes, Ruby said, "Stop being difficult. I know it's stupid, but it's fun. You don't hang out very much these days anymore. You've been kind of distant lately since you got back from your mission. I swear I've only seen you the one time at the party. Plus, it's kind of funny just how confused and worried you are just hearing us talk."

Coco's lips pursed ever so slightly. And Ruby wondered if she had somehow said something wrong. She was trying to encourage Coco. Maybe lighten her spirits. Ruby knew that as things were going with the three of them, they could probably just lose track of the week-night until the sun came up. She had only been out to steal some cheesecake, but here she was, for maybe an hour, maybe longer, who knew?

But as soon as she made reference to Montluçon and her being distant, Coco almost seemed to freeze in a way.

Ruby looked at Jaune, as if trying to ask him for help. Sure, she'd honed onto something bothering Coco. But she thought after the way Coco had relaxed, this would be a lot easier. Instead, she felt like she was drowning, and shoving Coco's face under the water for good measure.

The words blurted out before she could control herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to say something wrong," Ruby said quickly.

Coco pulled her head back fractionally, as if tasting something bad. "What, wrong? No, it's—you didn't do anything wrong."

Jaune had set the controller aside, looking at them both. He said nothing.

Ruby's mouth operated without her consent. "I know I say too much, or the wrong thing, and it happens a lot, I'm sorry. I was on a date not long ago, and at first it was really awkward because I thought maybe I was with something wrong, so I tried saying something, but it only made things worse and more awkward and it was a total disaster, and I would be lying if I said it was the first time that ever happened to me, and now it's happening again, but not a date, just trying to hang out, and I've made things weird and awkward and I'm sorry and I keep talking, and there's obviously something bothering you and I don't know what to do about it and help me—"

Coco put a hand on Ruby's shoulder, startling her into silence. "Ruby, I'm okay. It's okay." And then, after a brief pause: "You go on dates?"

Ruby felt her cheeks going flush. "Are we really going to focus on that right now?"

"I mean, for some reason I just—I don't know. Doesn't seem like you."

"Look, a boy in class I didn't really know asked me out, and it was kind of too awkward to tell him I didn't know him, so I went along with it. But it was just really weird, and I didn't know anything about him. Nothing in common. It's kind of like, if we're not BFF material, why would I want to date you, y'know? Also, he ordered bananas on his pizza. Who does that? I'm pretty sure that's illegal."

Ruby folded her arms, shaking her head. "But I see what you're doing, Coco. I screwed up, and now you're pivoting away from what I was worried about and focusing on me, so that we're not focusing on you."

Coco shrank back slightly, back straightening. She made that motion again where she was going to adjust her shades, but wasn't wearing them this hour, and that seemed to distress her almost as much as Ruby pointing out that she was clearly bothered by something. "It's fine, Ruby. I'm not upset. Things are going great for me. It's just—"

She paused, turning to Jaune. He made a face that said don't involve me with your lies.

Coco did it anyway. "I've got a lot on my plate. Yeah, I got hurt a bit. But I mostly just focused on getting back into class, and the stress of trying to figure out a theme for the school dance with Jaune. Which I actually had an idea for!"

Jaune cocked a brow. "Lay it on me."

She licked her finger as if about to turn a page. "Field research, remember? We should go out on the town. A couple of clubs and parties. Hit up the latest fashion and music."

The boy's face was slowly hardening as she talked. "You say that, but I don't know. I'm not really a big party and club and drinking kind of guy. Not anymore."

Coco slapped him on the back, blowing air through her lips. "Oh, c'mon, Jaune. I've been meaning to get back out on the town, take some pictures, look good for the crowd, and I could use a plus one. It's legitimate field research; we can probably bill it back to the school."

"Coco," he said warningly.

"Don't be a baby, Jaune. How can you be the most extra yet boring person I've ever met at the same time? You hit on Professor Ozpin one minute just to see his reaction, and the next you're telling me you're incapable of going out in public like some kind of hunchback your parents kept in an attic growing up."

Jaune looked like he'd pinched a nerve. Slowly, voice more than a little bit creaky, he said, "I guess. I can be your designated driver. If you even have a ride."

She tsked. "Of course I have a car. We can take it into the city. Hit up some places. Figure out what people like today, and then plan the dance team around it. The hottest and greatest in Valean culture."

He continued to look unhappy, but was clearly biting his tongue.

Coco turned back to Ruby, smiling. "Look, see? Biggest worry handled. I'm going to offload all of my responsibility onto Jaune and then take credit for his sober revelations. Isn't that right?" She elbowed the boy.

"I am nothing if not a slave to circumstance and the terrifying women around me," he said in a tired voice.

But Ruby knew better. What she didn't know was what to do about this. Coco was doing that thing again to completely avoid the problem and act like she was in control, was perfectly comfortable, and everything was going her way. Ruby didn't know how to help. It made her feel like she had something eating away at the back of her heart.

All she could do was hand her controller to Coco. "Here, you go kick his butt. Pretty sure it was improving my mood before you got here. I'm sure it'll help put the rest of your worries to bed."

Coco frowned. "You planning on leaving us?"

"I don't know."

"Nah, stick around. Maybe you can give Jaune some pointers." Coco unpaused the game and picked up where Ruby had left off.

"I guess," Ruby said, meeting Jaune's eyes. Not knowing what else to do, and feeling like she had blown her shot at getting anything done, she settled down under the blankets, leaning against Coco and watching the TV.

And that was just how things were for the rest of the night.

Ruby didn't know when she fell asleep. Maybe she never did. She had vague memories of Soul Hunter and Coco talking about the best clubs to go to in Vale. It was all kind of hazy. A weird little part of her thought it'd be endearing if they all eventually fell asleep together on the couch, mostly so she could bully Jaune into cooking another Short Morning type breakfast for her when she woke up.

Instead, she came too in the middle of the night with that uncomfortable feeling of plaque on her teeth like she always had when she fell asleep after eating any bit of cheesecake and not brushing.

Jaune crouched before the console, putting it and its controllers away for the night. She stared at him half-asleep for the longest time.

"Something's upsetting Coco," Ruby said.

He sighed. "I know. Has been since the caves in Montluçon. Girl doesn't put up nearly as good of a front to the people who know her as she thinks she does."

She wrapped herself tighter in the blanket. "What should we do?"

He made a so-so gesture. "Usually, this is the part where I talk to my team and we'd sort it all out. I'd imagine her team has to do the same for her. No way they don't realize something's up if a buncha yahoos like us can."

Ruby nodded. "I'm going clubbing with you."

He looked back at her with a look of mild amusement. "¿Como se pasa?"

She scowled. "Obviously, something's bothering her, and I think we're the only two people who can do something if her team isn't. I'm not just going to let this go. So we're going to take her out to a party or whatever, she's going to relax and have some fun, and when she doesn't expect it—bam! We come together as a united front and ask her what's wrong and help her. Deal?"

"Are minors even allowed into clubs and discotheques?"

Ruby paused. "We can work something out. I'm a Huntress. My sister used to get into clubs all the time. There's nothing Yang can do that I can't."

"She can breast boobily down the stairs?"

Ruby shot him a look that was evidently a lot harsher than she had intended. "Jaune, I'm being serious. Stop making immature jokes about it. Coco is hurting, and I think we're the only ones who care. Maybe something's up with her and her team and we can get to the bottom of it. If you won't do it, then I will, and I'll have you know I am completely incompetent and will almost certainly make Coco worse. Are you willing to have that on your conscience? Because that's what I'll do if I'm going to do this without backup. This is a threat!"

He regarded her for a very long time before standing back up and stretching. "You remind me of a girl I once knew named Dinah. She said that blackmail was the purest expression of friendship. Then she kidnapped me into an ice cream truck and made me fight a giant werewolf blender man."

"I like her style; can you introduce us?"

Jaune chuckled. "Lord have mercy, I will not. I'm happy with the friends I have now staying away from the friends I had then."

"And the friends you have now are going to start shrinking unless we help Coco. So are you with me or not, Jaune?"

He sighed to himself. "Yeah, Ruby. You know I can't resist one of your stupid ideas."

"Good husband. Smart husband," Ruby said, nodding to herself in content. "I shall feed you only the finest of oats this time in my stable, while whispering sweet nothings into your ear to keep you from startling."

"Pfft. You barely my bottom bitch."

"I'm tip top biatch," she said, turning her nose up into the air. "Now carry me back to my room. I'm comfortable in this sushi roll blanket and want to start drama with Yang when she sees us together again."

He shrugged. "I think at this point she's grown numb to us."

Still snuggling in the blanket, Ruby sat up. "I know. It kinda sucks. It used to be fun finding something that bothered her. Did you two have a talk or something? You mentioned a talk when we were making the cake."

"You really shouldn't try to push Yang away. She's trying her best. I low-key respect her for being as put together as she is. In the same kind of way I respect the surprising way you're coherently held together."

"Don't lecture me about respect when you're in a funk yourself."

He frowned. "I'm feeling great."

Ruby rolled her eyes. "Please. You've been acting extra… you lately. It's some weird self defense mechanism, like just making up references or whatever. You only do that when something's still bothering you."

"Do I?"

"It's about Blake, right? I know it was a private chat, but I almost couldn't not overhear it, and I just don't know what you were thinking and there's no way you're both happy with how it turned out."

His lips tightened fractionally. "I handled it, Ruby. Let's not get into it. And it's very personal, thank you very much."

"There's an embarrassingly obvious amount of feelings involved between you two. Are you just, like, afraid of commitment or something? How does that even make sense when being a Hunter is a lifelong thing. I just don't get you sometimes."

"Ruby," he said sternly. "That's enough. I got this covered."

"What, you think I'm just gonna focus on one friend's problems when—oop!" She squeaked as he picked her up, then tossed her over his shoulder like a log.

"C'mon, short round," he said with a long sigh. "We can brainstorm how to fix the Coco Adel once we've gotten some good sleep. One problem at a time. I handled my Blake thing enough to continue on. Coco's the one really hurting."

Ruby frowned as he carried her. Everything around her just liked avoiding problems, and it sucked. So for the moment, she sighed and relented. "Alright, fine. But only if you make me breakfast. It's part of our deal. You promised."

One problem at a time, Ruby supposed. It would have to do. Until Ruby solved every problem in the world, or died. Whichever came first. Or seemed the most fun, really.

"Wanna invite Coco?" Jaune asked,

"You know it! Also get Weiss to make sure you eat."

"Bacon, eggs, and biscuits n' gravy it is."

"Pancakes for Nora."

"I'm only feeding my friends, not the entire dorm. Nora can go lick Ren's nipples for sustenance or whatever it is she does to keep her figure with her horrifying diet."

And so the two of them talked until they got to her room. He gracelessly unrolled her onto the floor and pushed her into the room.

Ruby could barely sleep that night. She was filled with too much excitement and determination to figure this problem out and solve it for herself and her friend both.