A/N: Okay, so I didn't get to the meeting this chapter. But I did get to something important, and you can probably guess what it was from the title. More on that in the end notes.
And that's all I have to say here. Huh. Well, enjoy, or something like that.
.
Kisame
Kisame lay on the floor in the sparsely furnished flat he'd shared with Itachi, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about life, the universe, and everything. Well, he may have been trying to avoid noticing the emptiness that filled the space. He also might have been trying to avoid thinking about Itachi. The ceiling was surprisingly good at keeping him from thinking of things, but the longer he looked at it the more he felt an aching emptiness inside.
Maybe I miss my friends, he admitted. Why didn't Kakuzu leave with me? Does he know things I don't? I know he has that trick for putting up with things, but why does he do it? What reason does he have to stay? He doesn't seem like the kind of guy to give up just because he doesn't have a choice.
But Kisame could not ignore the empty feeling. Could it be loneliness? It was a strange feeling, foreign to him after a lifetime of insisting he didn't need anyone. Perhaps it was not as foreign to Kakuzu. It might be why he stayed.
The fact that Kisame felt it now strongly indicated that his future would include going back, then.
Kisame curled his fists. How could I go back to not knowing why I'm doing what I'm doing, whether I'm seeing things accurately, second guessing myself all the time? Being steered around like a puppet? But he didn't have perfect knowledge of the reasons behind his current actions, either. And there was the thing Itachi had said about how everyone is influenced by the environment. Was being compelled to do something by a god in human form really any different from being compelled by a god in the form of a brick wall?
I don't know. I just don't know. I can't decide yet if I want to go back or not. I don't know what I want or what I can take. The white-haired man's words about adventure rang in his head. Kisame groaned. I don't know what I want!
Of course, that led him to remember Yahiko. They had talked about finding out what came naturally to him.
Does everything lead back to them? Is that what Sasori meant by a tilt in reality?
Kisame closed his eyes and waited.
*ping*
He had turned his notifications on in anticipation. He sat up and moved to the couch, where his phone lay. Samehada yawned and started to trill. He had gone to sleep across the rear cushions of the couch. His wagging tail brushed back and forth along the back, making a shush-shush-shush sound.
The first message was from Nagato. Hey guys!
Kisame was among the first to send a message back. Hey.
He worried that others would immediately jump on him, asking concerned questions about where he'd stayed and what he planned to do, making him feel guilty. But nobody did that. Nagato announced that he had printed a copy of Ruta's document, looked it over, and found some things they all should review before the meeting. They could surprise us instead of the other way around if we're not careful, he said.
Wise, Konan said.
Kisame was not about to let himself be surprised. Not in general, and especially not now. What do we need to know about?
First, the Byakugan, Nagato said. It's another type of special eye like the Sharingan. But we don't know anyone who has it, so I wanted to make sure we remembered that it existed.
I, for one, had forgotten all about it, Itachi said.
The Byakugan is entirely white, as if they were blind. It can be used to see in all directions over long distances, through things, and see chakra.
Clarification:, Konan interjected. The Byakugan appears white at all times, like the Rinnegan, not only when activated.
That really should have been added to this thing. Adding it in pen now.
Samehada warbled. Kisame looked up and smiled. "It's going well so far, Same. Nobody's jumping on me. Nobody's talking to me at all. We're talking about what's in Tiger Kid's document as if this was a normal party." Samehada lolled his tongue out and wiggled excitedly.
Kisame sent a message. What else?
I have no idea if anyone could have learned to do this in this world, Nagato said. But it's something else we might have forgotten about, so I thought I should mention it anyway. Sealing. Seals are patterns written in a chakra-carrying material. When you give them chakra, they activate.
Blood is a chakra carrier, Konan added. It's not impossible that they could know how to use seals.
Hidan sent a skeptical emoji. People in this world really don't like bleeding. I don't think so.
And that's it, Nagato said. Those are the two things I thought we needed to be reminded about.
Any other ways they could surprise us? Kisame asked.
I expect that an unexpected factor will appear and interfere with our goals, Konan said. Therefore, I've designed a plan of action that should be flexible enough to accommodate.
Friendship! Yahiko followed that word with several joyful emojis.
Yes. We must attempt to befriend this other group. If we are friends with them, the conversation can become very strange and even painful without causing a disaster.
Kisame lowered his phone. In other words, if Shikaku and his people thought they had friends, they would hesitate to walk away. They would feel obligated to stay and hear more even if they didn't exactly want to. Konan was suggesting that they use the same manipulation on these poor people that Hidan had used on him. Kisame was overtaken by impulse. He knew it was a bad idea, but there was no way he could care. He stabbed at his phone hard enough to risk breaking it. FUCK NO.
As soon as he hit Send, the impulse dispersed. He had expressed his objection. That was all he had wanted. He took a deep breath and waited for a reply. Samehada chirped. "I'll tell you later. It's too urgent."
The group chat was strangely quiet. The only reply he got was from Konan. Why not?
Kisame spent some time composing his reply. What he had to say was important, and he wanted it to be understood. No more being trampled over. No more being outvoted. They'd better goddamn well listen. Eventually he sent, I don't want to manipulate these people. We all know how I feel about Hidan's powers. I don't want anybody else to be subjected to them without even knowing it, just because it would make things convenient for US. That's not right.
There was another pause during which no replies were sent. Kisame hoped that meant they were taking the time to think about it. He leaned back and used the opportunity to tell Samehada what was going on. "They're planning to use Hidan's charm powers on the other group to get an advantage. I am morally opposed to that."
Samehada made a questioning noise.
Kisame looked away from his phone. He was starting to notice a pattern. Twice now, when Samehada had made that noise during a conversation, it had turned out to be because he didn't understand what some important part of the conversation was. He didn't know what vampires were, and he didn't know what mist was. Knowing that greatly reduced the amount of time Kisame needed to figure out what Samehada was asking. "Oh…right. I never fully explained to you why I've been staying away for the past couple days. So, you know the god we have in the basement? You know how he can influence our thoughts and feelings, making Kakuzu more snappy, keeping Itachi from thinking clearly, things like that? Well, turns out Hidan's part god, and has access to that same power. Only instead of using it to mess with people, he uses it to make himself sound a lot more convincing than normal. That's what I mean by charm powers. He convinced me to join this ninja thing, and now he's going to convince these poor people to join it too. I am not going to let that happen."
Samehada whined. But it was impossible to determine what he was whining about. Kisame thought he might be upset that there was any conflict at all. Same was such a peaceable shark, after all. But he might also be whining because he was confused, or because he didn't agree with Kisame, or because he had something he really wanted to say but unfortunately lacked the power of speech and was frustrated. Kisame's phone, which had automatically gone dark when he didn't interact with it, pinged as he received a message. "We're talking about it now. I'll tell you what we decide," he promised.
What if they knew it? Deidara asked. They might be okay with it as long as they know, yeah.
This is exactly the topic I had prepared in case nobody else could think of anything to talk about, Kakuzu said. Should Hidan be in charge of this? Maybe we need to change our plans.
What? Yahiko asked. ?!
No, it's a good question, Sasori said. Now that we all know he can manipulate people without meaning to, is it ethical to let him at unprepared newbies?
What the fuck?! I wouldn't hurt people! What the fuck are you saying?! Hidan sent this as three separate messages separated by very short pauses. He was mad.
Sasori asked, What if someone over there is just like Kisame?
Dead silence.
Kisame wrinkled his brow when a full 30 seconds passed and nobody replied to that. "I just started a debate," he told Samehada. "A hurtful debate, that kind that people get angry about. That's a good thing; people should be getting angry about this, goddammit." He started to grin.
Finally, someone said something. I have a plan, Nagato announced.
Describe it, Konan urged. Kisame noticed suddenly that she, formerly proposing ideas and giving her opinion on everything said, had not responded at all since he'd first raised his concerns. Why had she been so quiet? Was she thinking of some way around his objections, some way to get what she wanted concerns be damned? When she wanted things, she might just look up your address and take them. Kisame started thinking of ways he could keep his concerns in the spotlight, prevent her from overriding him.
Deidara's right. The best thing to do is tell them that Hidan is very charming and can sway their opinions without even meaning to. I'll take charge at first and tell them that. If they indicate that that's okay, then Hidan can explain some things. If not, I should stay in charge.
Kisame remembered the white-haired man's words, yet again. His guts seized as a horrifying realization dawned on him. The northern campground wasn't safe. It had seemed less likely to sucker him, but that was an illusion. He was still being manipulated even there. The white-haired man and he had both been steered there so that their paths would intersect and he would influence Kisame into going back. Kisame squeezed his eyes shut and threw himself backward against the couch. Shit! Is there nowhere I can go where I'm safe?
Samehada whined and licked at his cheek. Kisame pushed him away. "Don't. I do not want to be comforted right now."
His phone pinged several times. Kisame did not look at it. Sasori was right. There's nowhere to go, nothing to do. Reality itself is fucking tilted. What can I do about that? I can't fight a god. But I have to, I have to do something. I can't just let this happen to me. I can't just let myself be steered around. Was it even real? I thought I struck up a nice conversation and made a friend. But if we were steered there to meet and talk and for him to convince me of things, then it wasn't real. It was all just a ploy. He clenched his fists until they hurt, then kept clenching. What the fuck can I do? I don't want to be helpless, goddammit!
After a brief lull, his phone pinged several times in quick succession. Kisame threw open his eyes and checked. Kakuzu had asked for his opinion. Now people wanted to know if he was there.
Do you fucking mind?! Kisame typed ferociously. I'm in the middle of a fucking nervous breakdown here! Shut up!
He paused to collect his breath before resuming. That was enough time for Hidan to ask, Nervous breakdown?
Oh, what the hell. If this had been a normal party discussion, he would have been having it in front of everyone anyway. Why not spew it all over the chat? I just realized that the one place I thought was safe wasn't safe. Even my own fucking actions have all been factored in, totally accounted for, so even if I try to get away someone will be steered there to meet me and I can't fucking get away from being fucking manipulated like a fucking doll! Shit!
Samehada whimpered. Kisame did his best to slow his breathing. "I am freaking out right now, Same. Don't interrupt. Let me freak out in peace."
Kakuzu replied: You weren't kidding.
Hidan replied: You don't feel safe?
And Konan replied: Yes, I have noticed that myself.
Kisame did a double take. Wait, what? He wasn't the only one to feel like everything was slipping out of his control? It was...reassuring, actually. Kisame realized that being the only one to react this way in a group of perfectly calm and accepting people had made him feel like he was going mad. You've noticed?
Yes. I've felt it ever since I arrived in this world. As soon as I sought out a suitable location, I found this building. It seemed suspiciously perfect. I had the sense it had been provided for me. I felt that I had been led to it. It seemed that there was something else, something more powerful than me, guiding my actions. I directly perceived it at one point.
Kisame's mouth dropped open. How did you not freak out?
The guidance was helpful. Because of it, I accomplished my goal and got what I wanted and needed. The force I felt steering me is clearly an ally. Why would I panic from having a powerful ally?
Kisame shook his head, though there was nobody around to see it but Samehada. I don't understand. Helpful or not, it's wrong. Actually it's worse when it's helpful. I don't want to be suckered.
You don't trust it?
Hell to the fuck no.
If an overwhelmingly powerful force that can coordinate every movement and action of multiple people wanted to hurt you, it would not need to get your permission first.
Kisame recognized that argument. It was identical to what someone had said to him that night he, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Samehada went out for a run and got into a fight. It was no less true now than it had been then. All he was doing by reacting in fear was giving himself nervous breakdowns. He was helpless. He might as well accept it.
But just like he had said then… I can't trust it just because I should, he said. Kisame squeezed his eyes shut and hung his head. He didn't have even that much power. He was helpless both against a god and against himself. If he could have controlled his own tendencies, he would have felt safer accepting a god's dominion.
Samehada pressed himself against Kisame's shoulder and rumbled, sending comforting vibrations through his chest. Kisame did not push him away this time. That was what it all came down to. He wanted to feel safe, but he couldn't. The capacity for trust was broken in him. Other Me, I hate your fucking guts. Offense intended. I hope you can hear me in Hell, you bastard.
His phone pinged. Kisame didn't have any hopes, but he checked anyway. Maybe, somehow, somebody had something helpful to say. Maybe Yahiko could restore his ability to trust that everything would be okay. If nobody could… Kisame had no idea what he would do. How could he live in a world where he didn't trust that he would be alright?
Hidan was asking, Do you need a hug?
Kisame stared at the message, and stared and stared. What kind of question is that? He was not expressing incredulity or disbelief. He had no idea what kind of question it was. What is he asking?
He typed back, How would I know?
You need one, Hidan replied. Soon as we get to the park, before the others show up.
How is a hug going to fix my problems?
It's not. But it'll help ya feel better.
I recommend this course of action, Konan said. It is astonishing how temporary views of the world really are.
Kisame hesitated. The idea of letting Hidan hug him… He hadn't even taken responsibility for making Kisame do something he wouldn't have agreed to otherwise, never mind apologized for it. On one condition. I want an apology. I'm not mad about being dragged along on crazy stuff. I'm mad that I didn't get to consent to it. Maybe I'd agree to being dragged along on adventures, but I didn't get a chance to. I didn't even know what was happening.
Fuck, Hidan said. He sent a downcast emoji. Me and Kakuzu fought about that. He was mad at me because he didn't want to be dragged along with things. It's the same! I'm sorry I didn't realize.
Kisame tilted his head. He remembered; the night they first met with the vampires, Hidan and Kakuzu had had a fight. That was why Hidan was out in the woods alone. But I never heard all the gory details of what they fought about. It was exactly the same? Kakuzu fought against being dragged into stuff, just like I'm doing? So Kakuzu was not different from him, was not just inherently more capable of going along with what he couldn't change. He was simply farther along in the process of making peace with it. Kisame's hopes for his own future rose. Might he manage the same?
I'm sorry I pulled you into stuff without asking, Hidan said. I'm sorry I didn't realize I was even after Kakuzu told me to my face. After the fight, we made a deal where I'm only allowed to try to make him do things a certain number of times a week. Can we make a deal too?
A deal? Kisame blinked. I've been thinking of this as Jashin sama's responsibility the whole time. He did this to me, and resisting it means fighting a god. I forgot about Hidan. I didn't think that he could do anything to help. But of course he can; it's his body and he's in control most of the time. Why didn't I think of that?
Sure, he replied. Hidan?
Yeah?
I forgot you had anything to do with this. I was thinking of your other self this whole time. But you were the one I wanted an apology from. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Everything's super confused. I don't know how to think about you and that other guy.
That's okay.
It is?
Yeah. Fugue Me wasn't in control when Konan invited us to be ninjas. That was me. I AM the one who should be apologizing.
But you're not the one scaring the crap out of me now.
So I can help ya? Be friends again? Hidan sent a big-eyed pleading emoji.
Kisame hesitated. So Hidan was separate from the source of Kisame's fears. But they were still connected so that approaching Hidan meant approaching that, too. I don't know what I want, he said.
Laurie has no idea what we're talking about, Deidara said. She always has a feeling like someone's looking out for her, yeah. She doesn't get this manipulation stuff you're talking about.
I feel like that too! Yahiko said. You'll be okay, Kisame.
Virtual hug, said Sasori.
I didn't realize that fight was the same thing, either, said Kakuzu. But it was. What helped me get over it was realizing that I'd hurt Hidan. If I can hurt him, I have power over him. Remember that.
I will also send a virtual hug, said Itachi.
Kisame found that his throat was tight all of a sudden. Samehada licked his cheek and chirped hopefully. Could he detect a change in Kisame's chakra? Kisame put his phone down and turned to give his favorite shark a bone-crushing hug. After receiving so many virtual hugs, he needed to deliver one.
Konan
It was time.
After the conversation concluded, people emerged from their rooms. Nagato and Yahiko were in higher spirits. Itachi seemed relieved in his own quiet way. As Konan busied herself going over the document searching for places where information she'd thought too obvious to include was missing, she noticed that the atmosphere was indeed lighter. It had worked.
Kakuzu called everybody into the lobby to distribute money. "That conversation met the standard of complete success that was established when we bet," he said with a nod to Yahiko. Yahiko grinned. "Since nobody put money down, the winning bets don't have to do anything. Those were Itachi, Yahiko, and Deidara. Everyone else, take out your wallets." He read off his records of who had bet what amount of money. Everyone dutifully placed their bets on the lobby table. Kakuzu counted it to make sure it was all there. "Great. I'll take five, and the rest goes to the victors to distribute however they like." He handed 50 dollars to Yahiko.
"I never expected to win rewards for my optimism," Itachi murmured. "I bet on complete success because it was unlikely, and the unlikely is nearly guaranteed around here."
Yahiko pulled out his phone. "I have to ask Deidara how much money he wants."
"I like that we are in the sort of group where simply asking can solve all our questions," Itachi said. "How does anyone live otherwise?"
"I like it too," Nagato said. To Yahiko, he said, "Congrats. Looks like your instincts are perfectly suited to our local reality. I don't think you'll have as much trouble as you thought."
Yahiko pulled his phone closer to his body. "Really?" he asked shyly.
Konan nodded. "Reality is, indeed, local. Nagato is correct. Your optimistic predictions have a track record of being accurate."
Yahiko giggled nervously. "Thanks!" He smiled as he messaged Deidara. His chakra sent subtle signals of warmth and confidence.
That will help very much, Konan realized as she went back to perusing the document. Yahiko may not have great powers of explanation, but the aura he puts out can be just as effective or even more so. Perhaps we should change our plans. Hidan knows how to broach sensitive topics, but Nagato and Yahiko are the ones best suited to put that knowledge into practice.
She shared that idea with Nagato as they went over the document. He smiled and blushed. Konan added a note explaining that dead cells could be revived with medical jutsu, as she remembered explaining to Sakumo and Ruta that day.
"Wait, medical jutsu can outright bring things back to life?"
"Yes." Konan took a moment to think. She was not well versed in medical ninjutsu, but Jiraiya sensei had told them some fascinating bits of trivia. "Reviving fish and other small animals is a common beginner's medical exercise."
"Trainee doctors start with bringing things back to life." Nagato sounded like he might faint.
Konan wondered if she was evil for wanting to laugh. "Yes, yes they do."
Yahiko appeared. "Hey. How's it going?"
"Trainee doctors in my world begin their training by bringing animals back to life," Konan told him. She wondered what reaction she hoped for.
Whatever her hopes were, they were disappointed. Yahiko stared at her blankly. Then his brows furrowed. "Give me a second." He left and returned with Itachi in tow. "Itachi, what does it mean if medical ninjas can bring animals back from the dead but not people?"
"The most obvious conclusion would be that humans have souls and animals do not," Itachi said. "However, I sense that you are not asking this for purely theoretical reasons. We know for a fact that that conclusion cannot be true, because animals and plants do have souls. But there is still a possibility that animals and plants have much simpler souls than humans. We know chakra can have effects on the soul and is itself derived from the soul, so…" Itachi trailed off.
Yahiko gave him a minute. When Itachi did not continue, he started to rearrange his hair. "So?"
"So the second most likely conclusion is that medical shinobi use their chakra to donate their own soul energy to animals that have lost theirs," Itachi finished.
Konan deeply regretted having brought this up. We do not have enough time before the meeting to have another convoluted discussion. When was she going to learn to give up on trying to shock this group? It was fun to see the looks on their faces for a few seconds, but inevitably a whole panoply of questions would be raised with time-consuming and disturbing answers. It wasn't worth it.
"Which further implies that, since this practice does not appear to have harmful side effects, either the harmful side effects have gone unnoticed or there is some force constantly replenishing soul energy without anyone needing to deliberately seek it out," Itachi continued.
"Chakra is free-floating," Konan snapped. "If it carries soul energy as you suggest, then there is a constant redistribution of soul energy among all living things. Now then, Itachi, do you believe this passage about the Sharingan is complete?"
Itachi fell silent. His aura shrank back. "I would be happy to look." He avoided her gaze as he read the page. "Yes, it looks complete enough." He handed the document back to her and left quickly.
"I'm sorry for launching a whole bunch of questions," Yahiko apologized.
"No. The fault is mine." Konan shook her head. "Let us focus on what is here before us, and not anything else."
That insistence on shortening their focus was likely why they did not find any other sections with strange implications. A tendency to spawn vast labyrinths of questions can be useful. But is it worth losing time? She decided that, right now, it was not. Vast fields of questions could be sprouted later. Right now, they had a mission to complete.
Hidan
It was time.
As soon as the document was pronounced adequate, Konan ordered everyone to move out. Most of them volunteered to walk. Hidan was an exception, because Kakuzu's truck had two seats and he wanted to put the second seat to good use and Hidan had promised Kisame a hug before anyone else showed up. Kakuzu checked the ties, Hidan buckled his seatbelt, and off they went.
The first few minutes passed in silence. Then Kakuzu asked, "Are you alright?"
Hidan shrugged. "I dunno. I'm kinda…tired. I just want this to be over."
"Do you have all your memories?"
"I think so." Hidan sighed. "But they don't feel right. Talking with Kisame was weird. It wasn't like our fight. Everything you accused me of made sense. But now, I feel all strange, like there's always something hovering over my shoulder just out of sight."
"You're not imagining things," Kakuzu told him. "That's what it's like to talk about you now. Every single sentence has something unspoken hovering in the air, where we know about it but don't say it."
"So I'm the only one who doesn't know about it?" Hidan frowned. "Eh… Whatever. I really just want this to be over."
Several more minutes passed in silence. Then Kakuzu asked, "Do you wish Fugue You didn't exist?"
Hidan thought about it. What would his life be like if he did not have this other being taking over, drinking blood for him, stealing his memories? A mental image of his original flashed in his mind, and with it, a sudden ache. Other Me… I miss you. Fuck, I do. But did he want to be his original? Hidan decided that no, he did not. How would he be able to sling an arm over his original's shoulders and tease him like a little brother?
"No. I don't wish he didn't exist."
"You sound like the one who needs a hug."
Hidan's left ear twitched. "Are you offering?"
Kakuzu snorted. "Not unless your situation gets really desperate."
Hidan chuckled. "Yeah, I can't imagine you ever giving a friendly hug. Accepting one that I start, sure. Restraint hug, sure. But it'd be weird if you started something cuddly."
"Not my style."
"Nah." Hidan glanced at him. "But it's nice. I like your style. I feel better already."
"I've been thinking about our fight," Kakuzu said. "I remembered something you said. You told me, the day after when we found out that your memories are still in there somewhere, that Nagato was your best friend. Is that true?"
Hidan shifted back and forth. "I dunno. Is it still friendship when you're in love?"
Kakuzu did not brake, nor speed up, nor swerve. His hands remained perfectly light on the wheel. Wait a sec… Does he already know? He's probably not surprised at all. "I think so," Kakuzu answered, perfectly naturally, as if they were having any ordinary discussion. "But it's a qualitatively different kind of friendship. So he's your best romantic friend."
"Which makes you my best platonic friend," Hidan added. "See? You don't have to worry. You're still really important to me, Kakuzu."
"Yahiko too?' This time, Kakuzu took a turn slightly faster than usual. "Since when are you a romantic? You've never had an honest to God relationship before, as far as I know."
"I've been lonely," Hidan admitted. "There's no club of people who live in the woods and have split personalities and feel other people's feelings. There's nobody really like me. There wasn't until Konan showed up. Now there's a lot of people who have weird powers too, and I'm not automatically the guy that stands out anymore. I can feel other people's feelings. But that doesn't mean I'm really like them."
Kakuzu turned into the park's parking lot. "Before Konan showed up, I never knew you had these problems," he said.
"Me neither," Hidan admitted.
"Remember how you reacted when I suggested you might need help asking her out?"
Hidan remembered. I swept a fucking beer bottle off the table and made a big mess, embarrassed Kakuzu. Why'd I do that? I don't usually get so pissed off at anything. "Maybe I was being a bit defensive. I could feel it. I could tell that she was like me, and I'd never met anyone like that before."
"Well, congratulations." Kakuzu threw the truck into Park. They got out and entered the park, looked around. Nobody was there yet. They took seats on a park bench.
Hidan began to fidget. "Hey Kakuzu?"
"Yes?"
"You think I should get married?"
Kakuzu choked. "What?"
"I mean it. I… I wanna commit to something. Someone. I wanna really do something I've never done before." Hidan tried to envision it. Me in a suit, and…flowers or something… He grunted. He couldn't form a clear mental image. Well, first I have to decide who it'll be. Konan? No. Something about her doesn't feel quite right. It's why I can't really be with her. Like there has to be distance between us. Nagato? He pictured Nagato, all dressed up and invariably blushing. Aw yeah. I would… Well maybe there wouldn't be flowers. That's not how we are together. I'd just hold him and promise him, always and forever, I'll be there. No flowers. Just a promise.
"Aside from when I first found you, I never saw you cry before, either," Kakuzu said. Hidan realized he had tears dripping down his cheeks. He wiped them away. I want to promise him something like that.
When Kisame showed up, Hidan had worked himself into a thoroughly lovey-dovey mood. He had to bring himself to a halt and remember that Kisame wasn't the same. "Hey, Sharkface."
"Hey." Kisame examined him. His eyes had never looked more sharklike. Samehada warbled, but nobody responded.
What does he think? "Whatcha thinking?" Hidan asked.
"You don't look any different," Kisame answered.
They examined each other some more, both waiting for something to be determined, some pronouncement to be made. "You want that hug I promised?" Hidan asked.
Kisame closed his eyes and tilted his head back, as if to feel the nonexistent sunlight on his face. "I want…" He hesitated. "I want to feel safe."
Hidan scratched his head. "Do you want to feel that way bad enough that you'd let me make you feel that way?" His perspective might be tilted so that he couldn't see something everyone else saw plain as day, but he had managed to glean that much. Whatever it was that hung in the air unsaid, Kisame believed something about it gave Hidan the ability to control how he felt about things. That's kinda the total opposite of my powers, but whatever. He thinks what he thinks.
Kisame opened his eyes and looked up at the sky. "I…don't know."
Kakuzu joined them. "Nice seeing you again," he greeted Kisame.
Kisame said nothing. Hidan frowned. He couldn't determine what was happening. So many fleeting signals passed through him that it was impossible to tell which was dominant. Maybe none of them were. It was frustrating! "You were right," he said to Kakuzu. "Now I need a hug!"
Samehada chirped and nuzzled his legs. "Aw, thanks." Hidan picked him up and hugged him. "Oof, you're heavy." Fuck it feels good to have someone to hug. Hidan closed his eyes and savored it. Samehada warbled in a comforting way and clung to him.
Kisame eyed Kakuzu. "Was it this confusing for you?"
Kakuzu shrugged. "I realized my concerns weren't the most important ones. First I realized words like mine were what made him run away, and then the next day I found him crying against a wall. It really set everything into perspective."
Kisame scowled. "I'm not going to give up on what I want so easily. I'm tired of being ignored."
Hidan opened his eyes. "What are we doing that makes you feel ignored?"
"Being so fucking accepting about everything," Kisame said. "You can convince people to throw caution to the wind so easily. I can't even convince Kakuzu to hold back."
But nobody wants to hold back. Nobody else thinks that's right. Hidan tried to clear his mind and focus. No! Shit. Thinking 'I'm right and you're wrong' is the best way to never change someone's mind. There's some way what he thinks makes sense. I just have to find it.
He tried. And he tried. And he kept trying, thinking from every angle he knew of how holding back could possibly be the right thing to do in any situation they could conceivably find themselves in. No matter what angle he took, he found nothing. And he'd been silent for nearly a full minute, and Kisame was scoffing and looking away. Fuck! "I'm trying," Hidan pleaded. "I'm trying to think of why we would need to hold back. But I can't come up with anything! No matter what situation I think of or what angle or whatever, I can't think of any way holding back is the right thing to do. I think we can't hold back. I think all we can do is plunge forward and come out the other end better for it."
Kisame tensed. "That's the worst plan I've ever heard. It's not even a plan. You know nothing about what you're suggesting, and you still want everyone else to go along with it? Why should we?"
"I just have this really strong feeling that everything's gonna be alright somehow."
"If everyone who said bullshit like that had a million dollars the economy would crash."
Hidan felt himself start to drift, becoming unmoored from the here and now. His eyes turned translucent, allowing the blue beneath to show. He murmured, "I know that everything's gonna be fine."
Kisame
Samehada stayed quiet. What was this? Red Claw Person sounded different. More convincing, just like Human Cousin had said. So these were the funny charm powers!
Kisame suppressed the urge to panic. He knew for an absolute fact that he was being manipulated right now by a god he didn't like or trust, and that made him want to run away screaming. But he suppressed the urge to panic and did not run away screaming. Why? Why the hell wasn't he following the advice every bone in his body was giving and getting as far away from this thing as he could?
Kakuzu glanced down at his arms. Did the invisible runes protect him now, like they protected him from the symbol? He could sense a pressure behind Hidan's words. The words were meant to make him feel reassured. Were they? He wasn't bothered by Hidan's flimsy not-really-a-plan, but he hadn't been before, either. Plunging forward and to hell with holding back appealed to him. It sounded exciting. Yes, there was caution to be had, and he didn't want anyone interfering with him, but he wanted so badly to go ahead and find out what he could do. Kakuzu reasoned that, because he was getting increasingly excited thinking about it, and because reassurance was the opposite of excitement, the runes were working.
"You can't convince me to hold back because I don't want to hold back," he said. "I know I got mad at Blondie for saying it, but he was right. I am impulsive. This lack of a plan sounds exciting as hell."
Kisame gave him a pleading look. "But what if something happens?"
"What if something happens?" Kakuzu asked back. "I like it when things happen. What, would you rather nothing happened?"
Kisame started to shake. In this moment, right now, he had a choice. Did he swim freely as a shark out in the ocean currents, being pushed and pulled but never controlled? Or was he like a clam, closed up in his shell, hiding from the world, resisting those forces at the price of never being able to move? Could he break out of his shell? Would he?
He wanted to. He knew he wanted to. But it seemed more and more as fear closed in over his head that he would not be able to, and that scared him too. He latched onto that fear, thinking more and more about if nothing ever happened to him, until his heart pounded like a snare drum in his chest.
I can't do it. I can't break out of my shell. Not on my own. Kisame gave Hidan a second look. His eyes were still purple. When Kisame looked into them, he understood what Nagato had described. He could see the blue beneath a thin veneer of pink, and though it was shielded from him he felt its power. It could tear him apart. It could drag him along. It could rip his whole reality to shreds like tissue paper in a hurricane wind.
It could pull him out of his shell.
Kisame's throat was so dry he could hardly swallow. The thought of that terrified him. Fear swamped him, closing over his head, around his heart, trapping him. He hated it! He was done being controlled by fear! So he found the one fear in that whole maelstrom that was actually useful to him and grasped it and held on tight. "Fine," he croaked. "You can give me a hug."
The purple disappeared. Hidan's eyes recovered their usual pink color. Kisame could no longer see the blue, but he knew it was still there beneath. Hidan blinked. "Really?" Then he realized what an opportunity this was and how he'd better not take the chance of losing it. He grabbed Samehada and pulled the shark off his chest. Samehada gladly wiggled free. Before anything could be lost, he lunged forward and wrapped Kisame in a hug.
Kisame closed his eyes. "Why would I panic from having a powerful ally?" Hidan squeezed as tightly as he could manage. I need help. The fear receded, was shoved backward, was locked up somewhere as if it was nothing more than a troublesome pest. Of course, the useful fear that Kisame had been holding on to was taken away too. Without it, letting himself be dragged out of his shell no longer seemed like such a good idea. Kisame caught himself trying to be afraid again. No! I don't want to be afraid. Even if it keeps me a little safer, I don't want it anymore. So what if something happens to me? He let go.
Kisame suddenly wasn't sure of anything. He couldn't tell what was up, what was down. Was he doing the right thing or not? Was he going forward or backward? He couldn't tell, spinning as he was end over end in open water with no attachment to anything solid at all. He shivered.
Hidan shivered too. "It'll be fine," he repeated.
And all I can do is believe him.
.
A/N: This is an aspirational chapter, not a current one. I keep thinking that maybe I'll go to a doctor and get myself evaluated when the pandemic is over. Maybe then I'll tell my parents that I think something's up with me. Maybe then I'll somehow find the courage to ask for their help. Maybe then, months from now, so I don't have to find the courage now. Unlike Kisame, I don't have anyone to help me, nobody and nothing to compel me to take this step. It's not something I have to do. It's just something I want. My track record of doing things that I only want and am not required to do is dismally poor. I have yet to get over fear and feeling helpless.
Cannot wait to see how the events of this chapter affect the meeting.