"Neji," Lee said cheerfully. "Dinner is ready!"
Neji scowled and said nothing, continuing to poke the campfire with a stick. The moonlight illuminated his pale face and revealed his white eyes to be dancing murderously.
He hadn't suffered any serious...injuries from Suzuki's...attack. However, that didn't mean he was unscathed. No, it didn't.
Neji's hair. His poor, long, dark, chocolatey hair.
It looked like it had been horrifically chopped off with a chainsaw. There was even a bald spot at the roots. Guy-sensei had suggested some special all-natural hair growth shampoo for it, but then he shut up when he got a good glimpse of the death flickering across Neji's face. Even Guy had some measure of common sense, or else he wouldn't have made it to jounin level.
Neji's hair was his pride and joy. He always took great care of it, using the best one hundred percent all-natural forest essence aloe vera shampoo so that it would be properly moisturized. After long showers, he would sun-dry his hair and painstakingly comb it with an antique heirloom passed down throughout the ages. Then he would tie his hair back with a break-resistant hairband.
Now his bangs were jagged and uneven, the left side slightly longer than the right. His hair had come loose from his elegant ponytail and was now wreathing his eyes so that he looked like an escapee from Konoha's T&I department. It was like a snapping turtle had joined in with the crazed merchant and had taken a bite out of his hair.
There was even an awful, strange singed smell lingering that made Tenten wrinkle her nose in confusion. She'd meant to ask Neji why his hair was burning, but then she remembered that Suzuki had taken a handheld torch out of his knapsack too.
Poor Neji.
Suzuki was smart enough to know that his temporary employees weren't allowed to physically harm him beyond the barest minimum force required for self-defense. He was also well-aware of the power difference between a civilian merchant such as himself and a highly-trained, deadly ninja such as Neji and knew that he probably couldn't inflict too much damage to Neji's vitals either.
So he hit Neji where it hurt for every Hyuuga. Their hair. Lee should have been aware that Neji was in no mood to talk. But it was Lee. And Lee was determined that Neji get his daily quota of calories.
"It's your favorite, curry rice!" he said, giving Neji a grin and a thumbs-up.
Neji twitched.
"Lee, that's your favorite, not Neji's," Tenten sighed. "And can't you see that he isn't in the mood?"
"Why, though? Suzuki-san apologized for the misunderstanding! He sent us off from his house with all this free stuff!" Lee made a wide, sweeping gesture at the brand-new presents scattered on the sandy ground.
Neji twitched again.
Hinata. It was all bizarre memorabilia of Hinata. He did not know how all these complete strangers knew how she looked like. He did not know why their likenesses of her were so accurate, and how the...rumor of her dating someone called "Nori" had proven to be so inaccurate.
He didn't know. He just didn't know.
Among the presents was a huge box of cinnamon rolls, the packaging reading, among other things, "Eating Hyuuga Hinata's favorite food will make you sunny and bright," "Secret recipe known to protect against heart failure," and "Skip chocolates! Give YOUR female friends cinnamon rolls for White Day!"
Purple. The cinnamon rolls were purple. Because they were Hinata's favorite color.
Flower pressing albums. So many flower pressing albums. Because that was Hinata's hobby.
Worst of all, a giant body pillow with Hinata's face on it. On this pillow, she was holding hands with someone Neji presumed to be "Nori," her imaginary boyfriend. "Nori" was blonde, blue-eyed, and had whisker marks that looked suspiciously similar to Naruto's. Rather unlike Naruto, "Nori" was also sporting cat ears. Neji did not know why. Perhaps this pillow was why, as soon as they set up camp, Hinata said that she wanted to be alone for a while and mysteriously vanished. Neji couldn't blame her. He would too, if he was in her situation.
Thank you so much for escorting me back home, Neji-san, Suzuki had written in a note stuck to the cinnamon roll box. I shouldn't have been so hasty in believing so badly of you. I am thrilled that Hinata-san is still going strong with Nori, and wish you the best with your own girlfriend.
P.S. Sorry about the hair. Maybe try one hundred percent all-natural forest essence aloe vera shampoo?
Neji twitched a third time. Hinata had tried to tell Suzuki that "Nori" didn't exist, that he was a figment of someone's imagination. Suzuki didn't listen.
Neji didn't know. He just didn't know. He never wanted to know.
When we get back home, Neji resolved, I'll request Tsunade-sama to never send me out of the village again.
Naruto sneezed at the exact moment that Neji was pondering Nori's whisker marks and cat ears.
He blearily rubbed his eyes, then went back to perusing the newest edition of Awesome Assassins from Across the Five Great Nations, which he'd gotten from the next village he and Jiraiya passed through. Out of sheer curiosity, he'd taken a shot at solving the crossword puzzle about Hinata and found, to his surprise, that it was ridiculously easy.
He was right after all. The correct answer for her blood type was "It's a secret." It was then that Naruto knew that he was a genius.
But then, just as he finished cutting out the solved puzzle and mailing it to the publisher to claim his prize, an article in the magazine caught his eye. And as soon as he saw the headline, he just about lost his mind.
HinaHarem? Menma-Nori-Wakame-Kikurage Love Polygon! What's Hot and Happening With the Hyuuga Heiress!
The article featured a remarkably uncanny likeness of Hinata, eating cinnamon rolls with such gusto that frosting was stuck to her nose and chin. He marveled a little at that. Whoever this magazine publisher was, they definitely pegged Hinata's appetite correctly.
Then he began reading the article, each line serving to pull his tether from reality farther and farther away.
Hyuuga Hinata has been BUSY. Not just with commanding samurai armies and ruling over Noodle Country, despite what our loyal readers may think. Our celebrity and lifestyle reporters can exclusively confirm that Hyuuga-san has been spotted with several individuals, who may or may not be romantically involved with her. All of them seem to have long, childhood associations with Hyuuga-san. Eyewitness Arashi from Kirigakure has revealed that during Konohagakure's Chuunin Exams one year ago, "a guy with some ramen topping name swore on his ninja way that he would avenge the deadly insult inflicted on Hyuuga-san by her cousin."
By the time Naruto reached the ending ("for more details and speculation on the deadly insult, please see page 18"), his head was whirling with images of Hinata and all the ramen topping men.
Hinata with Menma, holding out some ointment for him, hands trembling. Menma accepting, because Hinata was nice, ya know!
His heart sank all the way past his stomach and settled somewhere under his knees.
Hinata with Nori at the Chuunin Exams, offering to let him look at her test. Nori refusing, because he didn't want her to get in trouble.
The world turned black and empty.
Hinata with Wakame, telling him that she always admired him. That he was a proud failure. Wakame telling her that she was a shy, dark weirdo, but that he liked people like her.
The world was spinning. Why was the world spinning?
Naruto's mind supplied him a final image of Hinata with Kikurage, who had kicked Neji's ass and was jumping around the arena and beaming, looking for a shy, dark weirdo. Hinata catching his eye, giving him a small, happy smile.
Naruto fainted.
A/N: And I finally got to Naruto getting jealous of "Menma" (and the other ramen topping men)! Tell me what you think! :)