Something really, really strange was happening with Jiraiya's spy networks lately.
Before, he would get vital, need-to-know information about the movements of Akatsuki, enemies of Konoha, international criminal rings, and the best mixed bathing onsens.
Now, he was getting fascinating amounts of detail about someone called Hinata. Briefly, he considered that perhaps this was Naruto's friend, Hyuuga Hinata, the one who either had a massive harem or a love of diverse ramen toppings not named Naruto. Hyuuga Hiashi's girl, the one who was almost kidnapped a little over a decade ago, leading to that awful diplomatic incident that Sarutobi-sensei had sent him cryptic messages about.
He'd known of Hyuuga Hinata, as he knew about most of the big clan leaders' kids. From what he'd understood, she was a shy, sweet thing, something which her pops wasn't a big fan of. Jiraiya snorted at that. Clearly, Hyuuga Hiashi was a moron who didn't know that shy, sweet girls were the best heroines in shounen manga, shoujo manga, seinen manga, and josei manga. They were the best in doujinshi too, and he was seriously pondering giving the leading lady of his next bestseller this kind of personality.
Yes, Jiraiya did briefly consider that the subject of all this rumor-mongering was Hyuuga Hinata, except that the Hinata described in these tales did not seem to tally at all with the actual Hyuuga Hinata he'd heard of; that shy, mousy girl who was too kind, whose smile was too genuine, who didn't have the iron that Hyuuga Hiashi so fervently hoped for in his successor.
Yet apparently, she was capable of terrifying the jinchuuriki of Kumo so much that Lightning Country had put a flee on sight order against her in their Bingo Book.
That was...strange. He'd never heard of anyone able to take down a jinchuuriki. He almost died fighting Naruto in that awful fox state.
He would have to vet this info thoroughly, preferably with someone who knew her well. And right now, the only one who even remotely fit that description was his cute, stupid apprentice, grandson in all but name, slurping down noodles like he was a starving man and it was the last food on earth.
He cleared his throat. "Oi...Naruto. Your friend, Hyuuga Hinata, what's she like?"
Naruto whipped around at the mention of Hinata's name, his eyes lighting up with a fierce fire and a big, bright smile.
"She's a complete badass, Pervy Sage. Once she had a fight with her cousin and he was trash-talkin' her and all, but she didn't give up, ya know? She had serious heart problems from that battle, but she kept fighting and fighting and the proctor wanted to end things, but I knew she could still keep fighting, and ya know what? She did, and she was one of the only nice people in my class and she can eat more ramen than I can and she – "
"She can eat more ramen than you?"
Naruto nodded, the flames in his eyes fading into something softer and gentler. "Yeah, she's a real badass, Pervy Sage."
Jiraiya laughed and ruffled Naruto's shaggy hair.
He didn't know if this Hyuuga Hinata really was capable of terrifying a full-powered jinchuuriki. But Naruto said that she was a badass, and he'd never known his cute, stupid apprentice to be wrong about people's true natures.
Maybe she really did conceal iron under that kind, genuine smile.
"Itachi-san," said Kisame, "you have to be insane, wanting to come eat here, at a ramen stall that you have been known to frequent in the past."
"I've put everyone here under a genjutsu so that they won't know it's you or me," Itachi said calmly. "To them, I am not Uchiha Itachi, slayer of my own kin, traitor to Konoha. I am simply Yamada Taro. And you are not Hoshigaki Kisame, monster of the Mist. You are simply my friend, and we have come here to sample the greatest ramen in the world."
"...I understand that we were told to get more information on this Hyuuga Hinata, but why are we eating ramen?" Kisame asked.
"Because I have received information from Noodle Country where she was last seen, and it's her opinion I'm quoting." Itachi turned to the proprietor, pushing his dark hair out of his failing eyes and breaking apart his chopsticks. "Teuchi-san, what's the special you've prepared today? I have trouble reading the menu."
"You have trouble reading the menu?" a kind, quiet voice asked. They both whirled around, and when they saw who it was, Kisame's jaw dropped. There was no way they could have had such good fortune.
"Ita–Taro-san, that's – "
Itachi shot him a warning look.
"Hyuuga Hinata. It's a pleasure to meet you." Her smile was polite, but as she pushed back the noren curtain and took a seat, it was obvious that it was also really strained. Clearly she'd heard Kisame's comment and wasn't thrilled with the attention.
"Taro-san, I strongly recommend that you try the miso ramen with extra naruto," she said. "It's their best."
Itachi shrugged. "As you wish. Teuchi-san, we'll have three bowls of miso ramen with extra naruto. One for me, one for my friend, and one for Hinata-san here."
"Comin' right up!" he shouted.
Hinata gave them both a funny glance. Itachi knew that there was no way she could see through his genjutsu and at his black and red cloak, Byakugan or no. But a doujutsu user was a doujutsu user, and his skin prickled as her gaze swept over his seemingly ordinary traveler's clothes.
"You didn't have to order for me, Taro-san," she said. "Although I appreciate your kindness."
"It's no problem, Hinata-san. You seem familiar with the menu. Do you often come here?"
"Hmmm, lately I have, just to get away from it all. The missions, the training, my little sister." Hinata's white eyes crinkled a little. "She's become very insistent lately. 'Nee-sama, let's go shopping. Nee-sama, let's go training.' Nee-sama this and nee-sama that. I love spending time with her, but today I told her, 'Maybe next time.' She wasn't very happy."
Itachi blinked as her words washed over him.
Nee-sama this and nee-sama that.
I love spending time with her.
Maybe next time.
Suddenly, Itachi's appreciation of Hinata spiked.
He smiled. An actual, real smile. Not fake, not put upon.
Maybe next time.
Teuchi bustled back to the counter with three steaming hot bowls of ramen. Hinata nodded her thanks before snapping her chopsticks apart as well.
And then Itachi stared blankly at the odd sight.
She blinked. She breathed. She gently blew on her broth. And then it was gone. All in about three seconds. And as far as Itachi could see, she hadn't even used her chopsticks.
"Another one, please, Teuchi-san," she said politely, then proceeded to repeat that very same action. And again. And again.
Blink. Breathe. Finish. Blink. Breathe. Finish. Blink. Breathe. Finish.
The ramen. Her eating. It was fast. Too fast. There was no way that any human being was capable of eating that much ramen in such a short amount of time.
Kisame looked like a confused, terrified shark man. "Ita–Taro-san, that's...that's not normal, is it? What is she doing?"
Itachi surreptitiously activated his Sharingan, checking her chakra, checking her movements, checking for anything, anything at all that would give away her game. He could find nothing.
His appreciation of her increased further.
The bill he'd pay would be enormous.
"She is simply eating miso with extra naruto," Itachi announced calmly. "Because this is the best ramen served by the best ramen stand on earth."
Hinata overheard and gave him a tiny smile out of the corner of her eye.
Itachi gingerly slurped up a little bit of his own steaming hot ramen. Her recommendation was correct.
His little brother's old classmates were...interesting.
And Hyuuga Hinata was a good big sister. For that, at least, he would divert the Akatsuki's attentions away from her.
A/N: Icha Icha Ichiraku - I got two of your suggestions in one chapter. Or maybe three in one? Hahaha. I did allude to the Noodle Country incident.
I hope Itachi and Kisame were characterized okay here. This is a crack AU, but I always strive to keep the characters recognizable. :)