Hey everyone,
Uh, running a little bit late this weekend, but I still made it^^'
Thank you all for your support and I hope you will enjoy this chapter!
See you next weekend ;-)
Chapter 18 – Change
-Zoro-
He hesitated. As always, the clear hawk eyes observed him nonstop, seemed to register every twitching of his mouth, every frown, every blink.
Although by now the other one looked almost as awful as the day before, when Zoro had carried him to this very room, although he could hardly speak and his breathing reverberated oddly, although he was in worse shape than Zoro had ever seen him, Mihawk looked at him attentively and was exactly the counterpart, he always was to Zoro. As if his physical condition didn't bother him at all, as if pain and exhaustion were absolutely irrelevant. As if none of this was as important as Zoro finally telling him the truth about what he had been hiding for so long.
Zoro turned his gaze away, could hardly describe what was going on inside of him. He had spent the past day waiting at his teacher's bedside for him to wake up again. After the relief that Mihawk would survive had been overrun by the realization that not everything was fine again, Zoro had waited.
For a moment, he had forgotten that their last conversation had not been a conversation. While sitting at the breakfast table, he had realized what his last words towards the other had been. While his crew and the guests had talked about the dullness of everyday life and their imminent confrontation with Doflamingo, Zoro had realized what he had said towards Mihawk; Zoro had realized what he had done.
It hadn't been their first fight – absolutely not – and several times one or even both of them had become loud, yelling at each other, throwing things around, but...
You're only here to control me because you don't trust me a bit!
But Zoro had gone too far. In the beginning, brutal honesty had spoken out of him, unrestraint and merciless, as he sometimes could be, uncaring and ruthless, nothing that Mihawk could not handle, nothing for which Zoro needed to apologize.
But then at some point it had no longer been the simple truth, he had let his own hurt feelings, his anger, speak for him, regardless of the consequences.
I don't need your protection! I have everything under control!
And at some point, only his feelings had spoken. He had been so hurt, so shocked, so angry and confused, and it had only seemed fair to him if the other would feel these feelings as well.
You're just interested in controlling me the way you wanted to control your sister!
So Zoro had used exactly the two things against Mihawk he knew would hurt his teacher. The two things that Mihawk had revealed to him in confidence. His feelings for his deceased sister... and his feelings for Zoro.
Whether you trust me or not, I don't care, I didn't ask for it, neither for this, nor for any other feelings on your part.
He had done exactly the one thing, why he was reluctant to talk with others about things that were nobody's business, had done exactly what Jiroushin had once warned him about and what Zoro had never thought he could do.
For the past few days and weeks, the disturbing idea of losing himself had been growing inside Zoro, of deviating from his path, of betraying his own principles, and at that moment his worst fears had come true. At that moment, he had betrayed himself, lost himself for good.
It hadn't been like when he had asked Mihawk for help, at that Zoro had rejected his principles and pride, that was true, but it had been for the good of his friends, his captain. This time, however, he had not given up everything he stood for and wanted to stand for, but had betrayed it, simply to hurt someone else. To hurt someone who wanted to help him, who cared about him, who he cared about.
Zoro was ashamed of his behavior, even now, so he had done the only right thing he could have done. Having already betrayed himself, he had discarded pride, honor, and dignity in order to stand up for his misconduct. He had apologized, but Mihawk had not been willing to listen, was once again ahead of Zoro and even now, weakened by the surgery and hurt by Zoro's words, he still helped him.
For a second, Zoro lowered his gaze.
"Sometimes I hate how considerate you are towards me," he murmured and looked at Mihawk again, "sometimes I'd rather you just knock my block off if I act like an idiot, like Luffy always does. These conversations are always so exhausting and annoying."
The Shichibukai only raised an eyebrow and Zoro knew exactly that as difficult as it was for him to have this conversation, as difficult it was for the other not to talk.
Shaking his head, he sighed and rubbed the back of his head.
"But now that you shut up, I can at least actually apologize." The other clicked his tongue disapprovingly, but Zoro was not letting that stop him. "And I would also like to thank you."
For a moment, they just looked at each other and Zoro knew that Mihawk understood him, even if he wouldn't find the words.
"You're an annoying bastard," he grumbled, got up and walked back to his chair, "but I'm really glad that conversation wasn't our last."
Still silent, the elder looked at him, while Zoro fell on the swivel chair.
"So, you want to know the truth. You want to know why I didn't tell you everything concerning Eizen, what my problem is with my name, and why I acted like some fucking asshole, right?"
With a crooked smile, the other nodded before taking another ice cube. Every breath sounded like wind whistling through broken reeds. Mihawk was probably not supposed to sound like this, but so many times at Zoro's bedside the elder had bowed to Zoro's will and not done what he had probably thought was better, so Zoro resisted the urge to get Chopper and only folded his arms while leaning back.
So today he would have to lead their conversation for once, tell Mihawk everything that he had previously concealed. Of course, Zoro had known from the beginning that this day would come at some point and if he was completely honest, somehow Zoro was also relieved that the annoying time of mystery would finally be over, at least it would be one problem less. But...
"Roronoa."
Surprised, he looked up, did not even remember lowering his glance, while Mihawk's eyes seemed to read him. Zoro didn't like how the other sounded or rather how he didn't sound right now, because his voice wasn't much more than wind wafting between grasses.
"You should not talk; Chopper will kill me if he hears you like that," he murmured dissatisfied, "why are you so hoarse by the way? I thought it was a problem with your stomach, so why do you sound like some dying swan?"
Smiling, the Shichibukai shrugged his shoulders and stroked his beard without giving him an answer, not even condescending to give an answer. For a moment he seemed to muse about something and then he looked at Zoro as challenging as he had sometimes done during their training or during hours over the chessboard. Zoro liked this look; it was exactly this look which made Zoro wanting to become more than he was at the moment.
"All right, I'm talking, but I don't know where to start. Not even sure I actually understand everything myself."
The elder leaned back and nodded again, showing this knowing smile.
Just start with the next best thing and I will try to understand you.
He would probably say something like that or something much more overblown, but that was fine. It was okay as long as the other talked to him again, even if Zoro had to speak for him.
Pondering, Zoro leaned forward and placed his forearms on his thighs as he thought about how to start, about what he was supposed to say.
"Eizen knew it," he finally said, "he knew it from the beginning, since our first meeting at Sadao, and when he Kuraigana he blackmailed me that he would have anyone I have ever met killed and would deprive you of your title if I did not agree to this contract. So I did it and I didn't tell you because he thought you didn't know anything, and I thought it was... No, that's not true. I thought it might be an ace in the sleeve, but I didn't tell you anything in the end because you always overreact, whether it is your father, Homura, or Eizen, and I wanted to protect you."
He remained silent for a moment.
"Or maybe just because I didn't want this argument, because I didn't want to be a disappointment. Maybe it was false pride after all, I don't know."
Mihawk just looked at him, didn't say anything and that was damn unusual for him even despite the circumstances, so Zoro kept talking and noticed how it became easier for him with every word, as if he had just been waiting to finally be able to tell the truth.
"In the beginning, I thought it was just bad luck. A politician with too much free time and a fondness for drama. But now I know that he chose me for a very specific reason and that reason is the name Roronoa. It's all because that is my fucking name. Only because of this name did he become aware of me, only because of this name my mother died, and only because of this name I am now in a hopeless situation that I thought I could settle on my own." He looked thoughtfully at his folded hands. "But if I'm completely honest, I don't know if I can do that anymore. I don't know if my plan will work, and for a long time I started doubting whether I've made the right decision. Maybe it would have been better if I had killed Eizen with that damn ugly bust back then. Maybe it would have been better..."
Shaking his head, he looked up when he barely understood his own thoughts, met the clear gaze of the other, who looked at him calmly, as so often when Zoro talked. His face calm and interested, but not calculating or intrusive. Mihawk listened to him but did not sound him out.
"But I only found out about this during our last meeting at the Sabaody Archipelago, just a few days before I reunited with the others and I... I just don't know. All this time I have the feeling that I only need a moment of quietness, just a moment to understand all this, to be able to grasp it, just to be able to organize my thoughts and make a decision. But I can't. No matter how much I rack my brain, no matter what I come up with, whether I'm meditating, exercising, reading books, or just lying in my bunk, it all feels wrong."
Sighing, he looked at his folded hands.
"And of course my crewmembers ask questions, of course they want to know how the hell I'm still alive. But how could I have told them the truth without involving them? I thought that if I told them the truth, I wouldn't be able to protect them anymore. I was hoping that they would just stop asking, just accept that things are the way they are. I thought that if they stopped, everything would be the same again." He couldn't prevent from sounding bitter. "But the truth is, it's not going to be like it used to be, we've all changed, I've changed. In the beginning it was just a little thing that I didn't tell you, and you accepted it, at some point you didn't ask anymore. Then it was a secret that I deliberately concealed, and now I attack anyone who just asks me even some well-meant question, like some cornered beast."
Yoru behind him hummed quietly, but otherwise the room was completely silent, none of Zoro's swords dared to make themselves heard.
"Brook just wanted to be kind, Robin wanted to give me some good advice, and the freaking cook... I wasn't able to control myself, just like back then shortly after I became my monster, I could have ripped off his head, that's how angry I was. Can you imagine? Worse than back then on Kuraigana and just because he said a few things that didn't suit me. In the past, no matter what he would have said, it wouldn't have offended me – annoyed? Hell yeah - but I wouldn't have lost my composure." He snorted. "On the other hand, I would never have kept things a secret in the past and it's a freaking shitty feeling to realize that everyone is slowly catching up on me. The cook is annoying, but I couldn't stand the fact that he was right, and I had to pretend he was the problem, even though I know I am."
The other remained silent, as if he were taking confession from Zoro. Not that Zoro knew how this was usually done. He had never felt the need to ease his conscience and was surprised at how quickly the words came out of his mouth, as if he had been waiting all these days to finally be able to tell the truth.
"But I don't know how to change it without endangering all those I'm actually trying to protect. I convinced myself that they were the problem, not me, and that it wasn't my problem how they behaved, so I was just looking forward to a few quiet hours where nobody questioned me, and we would just play chess." When he looked at the other this time, Mihawk tilted his head slightly, nothing else. "And then you pick up exactly where the cook left off, making me doubt even more, questioning my motives – my decisions. But unlike him, I couldn't shut you up no matter what I said, because you always want to have the final say. I thought I could at least ignore reality for a moment and then..."
"And then I confront you exactly with the issue that torments you, with Eizen and the name that caused all this."
Zoro only nodded when the other said it in his broken voice.
"You came to me because you wanted to figure out why the trust within your crew is crumbling, and you felt betrayed because I had discovered your one secret, the one thing you distrust yourself, your own decisions."
For a moment, they looked at each other in silence.
"I am sorry, Roronoa. I was not aware of the extent of your emotional conflict."
Shaking his head, Zoro leaned back, he didn't want the other to apologize for Zoro bringing this shit onto himself and made everyone else suffer because he couldn't carry his burden.
"No, it wasn't your fault and I told you that..."
Suddenly, the door to the galley opened and Chopper came in, obviously unaware of what kind of conversation he was interrupting. For a moment they were all silent, but then the youngest squinted his beady eyes and looked at them suspiciously.
"I heard voices; did you fight?"
Simultaneously, the two swordsmen shook their heads.
"Well, I wonder whether I can believe you." Now Chopper's frighteningly serious look lay on Zoro, and he knew exactly why. "But I'll be able to see for myself right now, won't I?"
A cold shiver slid down Zoro's back. Nothing, neither his own nor Mihawk's monster, not Nami's or Luffy's anger, not even the conflict with Eizen was as unpleasant as an angry Chopper.
"Okay, Zoro, I have to examine my patient now, so would you mind leaving? Also, you missed dinner and Nami said it's your turn with the night watch."
Nodding, Zoro stood up and reached for the little book, which he had not finished reading yet, before looking at his teacher. This one time it was the other way around.
"I'll be back later. Rest for now, Mihawk."
"Roronoa!"
He stopped when an icy cold hand grabbed his wrist. Zoro's gaze glided from his arm to Mihawk's face, who looked at him seriously, and then Mihawk showed that smile that reached even his cold eyes and nodded.
"Okay, I understand." Zoro turned his gaze away and left, not even listening to Chopper's nagging about the broken voice of the Shichibukai.
Deeply breathing a sigh of relief, he closed the door behind him and for a second he leaned against it, closed his eye, and quietly hit the back of his head against the wood. For a moment, his own feelings had threatened to overwhelm him, and this time he couldn't have blamed some monster.
But then he squared his shoulders, took another deep breath, and stretched his head from left to right until the bones cracked. He could read while the other was sleeping, but now he wanted to exercise, lift weights until his muscles burned, he had deserved it.
Only then did he note the cook in the kitchenette, who busily eliminated the battlefield of a typical crew's dinner.
You're pretty much the last person I want to talk to right now. So just shut up.
Those had been Zoro's words towards the other the previous day, when the cook had wanted to argue with him, while Chopper had been trying to save Mihawk's life in the next room.
Since their last fight two days ago, they had hardly talked to each other, and Zoro had not cared about that the least. As long as the cook hadn't opened his mouth, Zoro had been able to act like nothing was wrong, and of course the past day he had worried about different things than some few hurt feelings of the stupid cook.
Now, however, Zoro could not ignore the fact that – even if the other was some stupid idiot – the cook was not necessarily to blame for their dispute. Sanji had come to him with a peace-offering, had been seriously worried and had wanted to understand, and only after Zoro's dismissive answers things had escalated. Zoro knew that the other was an emotional hothead who quickly took things personally, but since Zoro usually never really got personal, they could usually let off steam at each other without actually arguing, without actually hurting each other.
But in their last argument, Zoro had also become emotional, had felt attacked and had attacked like a wild animal, and just like with Mihawk, Zoro also knew exactly what to say to hurt the cook.
Unlike his teacher, however, Zoro did not feel the need to throw himself into the dust in front of the curly brow and ask for forgiveness, he would not let it come to that. Nevertheless, Zoro felt responsible for having worsened the mood within the crew and even the damn curly brow was a crewmember, so Zoro kind of accepted that he had to at least somehow straighten it out again. But he had never been good in such things, usually did not do things for which he wanted to apologize in retrospect, and it was not as if the other was completely innocent of the existing dispute.
Nevertheless, the cook and he were not exactly bosom buddies, but actually they usually got along quite well and now that Zoro had relieved his conscience and had come to a little more clarity, he was almost sorry that he had provoked this dispute, but no matter how he twisted and turned it, he wouldn't...
"What do you want? Dinner is over," interrupted the cook Zoro's brooding without interrupting his work. Normally, he would have asked Zoro to help him now, they would have briefly insulted each other and then Zoro would either have left or caved in and grabbed the towel. Now, however, nothing of the sort came. The cook continued to work busily, almost pretending like Zoro was not present at all, like he often had done since their arguments.
"Are you staying up all night again to try out new recipes, otherwise I'll take over the night watch. Nami said it was my turn anyway," Zoro grumbled coolly in their usual communication tone and decided to try to avoid an argument.
"It's easier to keep an eye on everything from the galley than from the sickbay," replied the other, without turning around, and continued to work, unusually indifferent towards Zoro.
Rolling his eye, Zoro refrained from rising an argument and already regretted his resolution, closed only a few seconds ago, while opening the door to the tiny pantry.
"I don't know what you were up to, curly brow, but I'm going to train now, and I can't do that in the sickbay. So just get lost and hit the hay, maybe tomorrow you won't be such a pain in the neck."
"Unlike you, Mairmo, I have duties that I have to take care of before I can lie down or laze around like some others on this ship. So just get lost and lift your weights, maybe tomorrow you won't be such an asshole."
Without replying anything, Zoro grabbed one of the bottles of cheap sake from the shelf and closed the door again.
"Hey Marimo!", the cook barked when Zoro had reached the door to the deck, and he wondered whether the other was really going to start a new argument because of a bottle of cheap booze – which Zoro regularly took and the cook seldom commented disapprovingly about but even refilled the stock every now and then.
"What?" He growled and turned around again. He had decided not to provoke the other unnecessarily, but if the cook would seek quarrels on his own, it was not Zoro's fault.
"For you!" The other slammed a bento box wrapped in a simple cloth on the sideboard. "For the night watch. Exercising on an empty stomach is unhealthy."
For a moment, they just looked at each other. None of them said a word. Then Zoro took a step back inside and grabbed the box, while lifting the bottle in his hand.
"Who says I'm just exercising on an empty stomach?"
But before he could pull the lunchbox off the sideboard, the cook grabbed it.
"What the hell, cook?" Zoro grumbled, shaking his head slightly annoyed.
"Two meals."
"What?"
"Listen up, Marimo. I don't care what kind of crap you're dealing with and what kind of shit you're going through. But I'm the ship's cook and you're a crewmember and you've skipped just about every meal the last few days and that goes against the grain for me." The other snorted loudly once. "Don't get me wrong. I'm fucking mad at you and for me the whole thing is far from over. I don't care if you sit at some Shichibukai's bedside all day or exercise all night long, but when it comes to food, it's also my business. So I don't care what kind of problem we both have with each other at the moment, but you're going to have at least two meals a day from now on or..."
"Or what?" he growled, leaning forward across the box as the other really dared to threaten him.
"Or I'll point out your poor diet to Chopper and remind him that your last checkup was two years ago! If he finds out, two meals a day will be your least problem!"
For a moment they just stared at each other, then Zoro pulled the bento from the sideboard.
"Snitch," he grumbled and left the galley, but to his surprise, his mood was not as bad as the last few days when he climbed up to the lookout.
However, the conversation with the Shichibukai had also helped him. Finally, his thoughts were less confused, and he understood why he doubted his decisions even more than before. He wasn't willing to fail, but how could he prevent that? How could he be sure not to lose, not to lose everything? The longer he thought about it, the more he doubted, but then suddenly the very simple answer came up, and his quiet spark of good mood faded.
-Mihawk-
Silently, he endured the lecture of the young doctor. Mihawk would like to say that he humbly listened to the wise words, but if he was honest, it took him the greatest effort to hold back. Doctor Chopper may have helped him, but that did not mean that Mihawk approved of being scolded like a naughty brat by his governess. In addition, Doctor Chopper had just interrupted his conversation with Roronoa when it had become interesting.
Mihawk had not missed the fact that Roronoa had avoided talking about what exactly Eizen had planned, but it seemed to be something really important about which Roronoa saw the safety of his crew – even Mihawk's safety – as endangered. But now that Mihawk had once opened the younger's locked gates, hopefully it would be easier to find out the rest, to know what filled Roronoa with so much doubt.
But Mihawk also knew that in his current state he did not show the sharpest mind due to fatigue and medication, and therefore Mihawk had to regain his strength quickly, even if this meant being scolded by a child, not even half his age.
During the examination, Doctor Chopper had noted that Mihawk's recovery process was developing swiftly, but he had mainly been upset that Mihawk had probably spoken too much and thus irritated his throat too much. Apparently, his throat was now very swollen, and his vocal cords badly affected.
Now the examination was over, and the young doctor had been complaining for several minutes about how all swordfighters were equally careless with their injuries, and that Mihawk could not rely solely on his natural healing abilities. Mihawk had the certain feeling that this was not the first time that the pirate had this rant, and that the addressee was actually somebody else.
But he endured it, well aware of how much he owed to the young doctor, who had not only taken care of him, but also of Roronoa several times. Between the scolding and the rebuke, Mihawk understood that his health was steadily improving, not that this surprised him. Although he was very exhausted and his throat felt actually quite unpleasant, but the discomfort of his body was otherwise extremely bearable.
"I'll say it again," the young doctor emphasized as he adjusted Mihawk's medication, "You must not push yourself too much. Yes, your development is really astounding and so far everything looks quite good, but your surgery happened barely a day ago and your body is weakened. If you don't take this into account, you will hinder your own recovery and you certainly don't want that."
Silently, he agreed and leaned against the soft mountain of pillows. Had it really happened just one day ago that he had argued with Roronoa in a way that he had feared losing his little frog forever? It seemed like an eternity ago. He was tired, so much had happened the last few hours without himself having contributed much to it, and he was really looking forward to being able to close his eyes and to sleep.
"I understand that the situation is difficult," Doctor Chopper continued, "but even though you and Zoro have a lot to tell each other, you should not overexert yourself. Whatever you have to discuss with him can also wait another a day or two, when you will feel better."
Mihawk quietly clicked his tongue – his last resort to express his displeasure without straining his vocal cords – and raised an eyebrow in disapproval.
The other seemed to notice his gaze, for he began to rub his hooves and looked away.
"I am aware that Zoro can be stubborn, believe me. But I know just as well that it is important to him that you get well again. He was very worried about you, you should know that before you put your health at risk the next time, especially not just to argue."
It was always amusing to see how seriously these cute beady eyes could look, and it was always interesting what this young reindeer said so thoughtlessly when Mihawk just pressed the right buttons.
"Doctor Chopper," he raised his weak voice, "I assure you; we did not argue. But it was an important conversation, much more important than some hoarseness."
The young doctor looked at him doubtfully before shaking his head.
"Whatever. Either way, you shouldn't talk today and go to sleep now. I will ask Sanji that he'll get you some lukewarm water, and then we will see if we can approach a light diet soon. As I said, despite your absolutely improper care of your situation..." the way the reindeer emphasized these words reminded Mihawk of his childhood when he had been scolded by Koumyou, the mayor of Sasaki, or by Kanan. He could hardly believe that he allowed this child to talk to him in this way, could hardly believe that he was even listening to this child. When had he become so soft? "... your progress is really astoundingly good. The mucous membranes already look like they had several weeks to heal and if you show a little consideration from now on, I'm sure it will be a good prognosis."
With these words, the other closed the medical record and placed it on the table next to Yoru, who purred like a satisfied cat. Apparently, it liked Doctor Chopper, albeit in a very different way than Mihawk or Roronoa.
"But for that, you need to recover and sleep, now. No evening quarrels and no nightly conversations. If you irritate your vocal cords too much in the current state, they could become inflamed and then we have the next problem. So rest for now. I will check on you tomorrow morning, before breakfast."
As soon as the door slammed shut, Mihawk closed his eyes and felt the gentle fingers of exhaustion slid over his body within seconds, urging him to sleep. He was sure he could sleep well that night, and tomorrow, tomorrow he would discuss with Roronoa the things that had remained unsaid today. He was curious, so remarkably curious, but much more he was relieved, grateful and relieved and oh so tired.
Mandatory rest stop!
If you're reading this fic as a complete work, please do like Mihawk and rest for now, take a nap, eat something, go for a walk of whatever is good for you. You can come back later or tomorrow ;-)