i could hold you in my arms (i could hold on forever)

by pinktrixie

S8 finale AU; "Don't. Don't do that whole 'Arizona' and pouting thing. It won't work on me." Arizona signed her name with a flourish. Normally, she would've given all this paperwork to Alex, but Karev was off being a crap dog somewhere in Boise at this point. And then he could fuck off to Hopkins for all she cared. complete for now.

for belen who inadvertently sparked this shockingly long bit when we were discussing teddy and arizona's relationship

title from ray lamontange's "hold you in my arms"

i could hold you in my arms (i could hold on forever)

"Honestly, Calliope, I'm fine."

"Yeah, your whole demeanour really says fine," Callie deadpanned, and really, Arizona did not appreciate her wife's tone.

Arizona sighed heavily, looking up from her paperwork. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what? Like you're the love of my life and I still think you're a moron?" Callie's smile should not be as charming as it was. It was unfair. Unjust even. "Why don't you just go talk to Nick?"

"I don't want to."

"Arizona…"

"Don't. Don't do that whole 'Arizona' and pouting thing. It won't work on me." Arizona signed her name with a flourish. Normally, she would've given all this paperwork to Alex, but Karev was off being a crap dog somewhere in Boise at this point. And then he could fuck off to Hopkins for all she cared. And she needed to remember to call McCale and tell him how he was totally screwing her over. They were friends. She didn't even get a stupid curtesy call that he wanted to steal Alex?

Or even better, she'd call Mrs. McCale.

Arizona sighed heavily.

"Is that an Alex sigh or a Nick sigh?"

"Don't you have surgery?"

"I finished."

"And now you're bothering me?"

"I prefer to think of it as checking in on you. And seeing if I can't convince you to come home with me and perhaps I have some ideas to take your mind off everything." Callie took another step closer, wrapping an arm around Arizona's waist, pulling her into her side.

Arizona sighed heavily, finally pushing her paperwork away from her. She twisted in Callie's arms, looping her arms around Callie's neck. "What sort of ideas?"

Callie grinned at her and it'd be smug and annoying on anyone else, but on Callie it was devastatingly charming. Callie tucked a loose bit of hair back behind Arizona's ear. "Hm, all sorts of ideas. Fun ideas, ideas that include our Christmas presents for each other."

Arizona's brows creased. "Your idea of fun is what, baking cookies?"

"Not that Christmas present. The other Christmas present. The ones we gave each other. Y'know with the lace and the-"

Arizona covered Callie's mouth with her hand, her eyes darting around even as excitement sparked in her belly. "Calliope! There are tiny humans, very sick tiny humans and their very scary parents. Ix-nay on the istmaschray esentspray."

Callie laughed behind her hand. Arizona retracted her hand.

"Sorry, I don't speak childish."

"That was pig latin and you know it." Arizona fought the urge to stick out her tongue. She was almost positive that it wouldn't help her case.

Callie rocked forward, pushing Arizona back against the counter. "So, what do you say? You, me, our Christmas presents, your birthday present. Take your mind off of everything?" Callie cupped Arizona's cheek, tipping her head up a bit. "C'mon, let me take care of you. I'm pretty sure it was in our vows or whatever."

Arizona couldn't help but lean into Callie's touch as Callie brushed her thumb across her cheekbone. "Sounds, yeah, sounds good. But wait, what about Sofia? I thought Mark wasn't back until late."

"Humidifier. She's pretty much sleeping through the night anyway. And if it's a problem, I can always ga-" Arizona slapped her hand back over Callie's mouth before she could finish that thought, her cheeks burning. Callie's tongue poked out and Arizona recoiled. "Well, that pretty much."

"Did you seriously just lick me? That's so gross."

Callie snorted. "Seriously, me licking your hand is gross? Do you know where my tongue has been? In your-"

"Calliope!" Arizona yelped, tugging on her wife's hair for lack of any better ideas.

"I'm just sayin'," Callie said with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Well, you can just say things somewhere other than my peds wards, okay?"

"I have all sorts of things to say. Things I think you'll really like," Callie added with a surprisingly lecherous smile. Arizona almost wanted to ask what she was thinking, but Callie leaned back on her heels, saying, "So, home?"

Arizona nearly said she needed to stay and finish paperwork, but honestly, none of it was pressing and her shift ended over an hour ago. And really, it was stupid Karev's paperwork anyway.

"Yes please." Arizona pressed up to kiss the corner of Callie's mouth. "Home sounds perfect. And I call baby snuggles."

"What? No wife snuggles?" Callie teased as they headed towards Arizona's office, Arizona leaning into Callie's side. "I'm hurt, wounded even. Am I just supposed to sit at the counter while you two snuggle and look cute?"

"Haha, you're a real comedian. You can snuggle with us. Whole family snuggles," Arizona conceded with an easy smile, pushing her office door open. "I just have a few things to grab and then we can go."

"Can I just say how much I love it when you say our family? It's very hot," Callie said, dropping onto the small sofa. "Speaking of, we have that appointment next week. Are you still… I mean, do you still wanna… you know?"

Arizona froze behind her desk as Callie stumbled over her words. They had booked an appointment with Arizona's OB nearly a month ago to discuss what their options were going forward. Addison already informed Callie that it was really unlikely she'd be able to carry to term (and Arizona still struggled with the acute guilt of that). But there were lots of options potentially available to them. They just needed to get the ball rolling.

Arizona suggested using one of Callie's eggs, but Callie insisted that she wanted "a cute, chubby blonde baby. I want my mini Arizona, Arizona." They had been going back and forth on it for weeks now, neither willing to budge.

But they were both sure they'd rather start sooner than later, so Sofia wouldn't be too much older than her sibling. Callie and Aria were over five years apart and had only in the past decade managed to have civil conversations.

Of course, Arizona didn't know what it was like to have younger or older siblings. She just had Tim. And no matter what he said for their entire lives, the seventeen minutes Tim had on her did not make him her older brother.

But that was another reason Arizona was reluctant to use her own eggs. She was already genetically predisposed to twins and the necessary treatments would probably just increase that chance.

It wasn't that she was afraid of giving birth. Well, maybe a little bit she was. And who wouldn't be? Childbirth was terrifying enough as it was and Arizona had watched Callie, the love of her life, flatline along with Sofia.

But it was more than that. She was terrified of, she wasn't even sure, of cursing her children? Some days, even years after Tim's death, it still felt like a part of her was missing. Could she really potentially push that burden onto her kids? What if something happened to one of them? Losing a sibling was hard enough, Arizona wasn't discounting that. But there was something worse about losing a twin.

Tim was supposed to always be there. It was supposed to always be the pair of them.

But Tim left her behind.

Tim went away and never came back.

"Arizona, we can cancel if you don't want to-"

"No!" Arizona inhaled sharply, reregulating her tone. "No, no, I don't want to reschedule. Sorry, I just, just-"

"Have a lot on your mind, I know." Callie offered a placating smile. "I'm excited, for the record. We're gonna have some really, really cute kids."

"We already have a really, really cute kid," Arizona said, shoving a pile of files into a drawer. Her eyes dropped down to the picture of the three of them on her desk, Sofia grinning at the camera from her place in Callie's lap while she and Callie smiled softly at each other.

"Yeah, of course, Sofia's the crack baby-"

"Callie."

"-sorry, the not crack baby. But I want to, I dunno, do things right this time. I just want… I want it to be us."

"Us and an OB and some random guy's sperm."

"You know what I mean."

"I know." Arizona grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair. "Okay, I'm ready to go."

"Let's go grab our baby and head home. I'm tired of this place and I'm sure you are too." Callie stood to her feet and opened her arms as Arizona rounded her desk. Arizona walked into her arms, letting her wife just hold her for a minute. "Everything'll be okay. I promise. It'll all work itself out. And I'll always be here, you know that, right?"

Arizona nodded against Callie's shoulder, squeezing her eyes shut. "I love you."

"Love you too," Callie echoed after pressing a kiss to Arizona's hair. "And have I mentioned how excited I am for a blonde baby, or I guess babies?"

Nerves twisted at Arizona, but she pushed them down. The last thing she wanted tonight was to get into her concerns over the whole second baby thing. It wasn't that she didn't want to expand their family. She did, wholeheartedly. It's just… there was so much happening right now, and Arizona didn't have the mental or emotional capacity to process all the emotions that had been continuously dragged up in the past month.

"Or more super cute babies with your hair," she added.

"Agree to disagree," Callie laughed, pressing another kiss to the crown of Arizona's head before pulling back. As Callie smiled at her, Arizona couldn't help but smile back. "Hey, there it is."

"What?"

"You're smiling again."

"Was I not smiling before?"

"Not my favourite smile. Not your real smile." Callie brushed her fingers across Arizona's cheek into her hair, gently twining her fingers into her curls. "Your super magic smile," she added.

"Such a sap," Arizona murmured against Callie's lips. Callie tugged a bit at her hair, adjusting their angle for a deeper, slower kiss. Callie tasted like coffee and the watermelon gum she always chewed before surgeries and Arizona just sank into the kiss. (And she was pretty sure she had brushed her teeth enough times plus half a pack of gum to cover up the taste of cigarettes)

Callie nipped at her bottom lip before pulling away. "As much as I love your office, we could be doing this at home, in our bed, without risk of some knucklehead intern walking in on us."

"God, you're smart. No wonder I married you." Arizona took a few steps back to pull the door open for Callie. "Really, such a genius."

"Have I ever told you you're a brat?"

"Um, yes. This morning."

"Okay, good, just checking." Callie offered her hand to Arizona as they walked down the corridor, easily catching Arizona's and squeezing her fingers. As they headed towards daycare, Callie chatted about the surgery she had performed earlier and all the Ben-Bailey gossip. Arizona was more than content to play idly with Callie's rings and lean against her.

She'd happily listen to Callie talk about her surgeries for hours. There was just some entrancing about Callie's energy as she discussed her work. Arizona knew most surgeons didn't take ortho as seriously, much to Callie's distress, but Arizona thought it was amazing. Her wife changed people's lives. Sure, others saved lives, but Callie had the ability to honest to God change someone's world.

"Teddy, hey!" Arizona broke out of her trance-like state at Callie's words.

Teddy stood in front of them, her eyes red from crying, which honestly, these days, wasn't all that unusual. Teddy had carried grief and misery around like a jacket in the past months since Henry's death.

But there was a new determined set to Teddy's shoulders, and it seemed like some of the weight had been lifted from her. She seemed resolved, or maybe resigned. She seemed like-

"You're leaving."

Arizona had seen it before. That look on Teddy's face. It was a goodbye. She was leaving. Just like everyone else, she was leaving.

A familiar feeling twisted at Arizona's insides.

Really, she should be more used to people leaving. Everyone left eventually.

It wasn't like she could ask them to stay.

She used to. She used to cry and beg her dad to stay, not to put his uniform back on and walk away from them. She used to plead with Tim not to join the Army. She used to be miserable when they'd move from one place to the next.

But now, now she knew. No one ever stayed.

And she also knew that she was somehow always the common denominator.

Just in the space of today, she'd lost Nick, Alex and now Teddy.

"I… yeah," Teddy said, shades of regret coloring her voice. "Germany. Chief of Staff at MEDCOM, US Army Medical Command," she clarified unnecessarily.

Without hesitation, Arizona smiled as brightly as possible at Teddy. "That's amazing, Teddy. That's, that's awesome!"

"Congrats," Callie said beside her, her grip on Arizona's hand tightening reassuringly. "When do you leave? We should do something to celebrate."

Teddy rubbed at the back of her neck, looking just ever so slightly sheepish. "Um, now, I guess. Owen just fired me."

Arizona's eyebrows shot up.

It was better Teddy was leaving now. It was like a band-aid. Isn't that what her mom always said whenever they left? Better to say your goodbyes quick and it wouldn't hurt as bad.

Yeah, well, Arizona just stopped trying to have people to say goodbye to after a point. Turns out, not the best strategy in the world, all things considered.

"Can he do that?" Callie asked.

Teddy shrugged. "He's Chief. And really, it was for my own good. I think… I think Seattle's killing me. I just, I see Henry everywhere and it's just, I need a change of pace. Owen just gave me the push I needed to get out of here. I can't just stay here stuck in the past."

Logically and rationally, Arizona fully understood why Teddy needed to leave Seattle. She had held her on more than one night as Teddy sobbed about Henry. She understood wanting to flee because of the heavy burden of death. Hell, that was why she left Baltimore.

But the part of her that was still so deeply connected to the little girl who didn't want her dad to leave, to the little girl who wanted so badly to stay in one place and actually have friends, to the little girl who had made a pinkie promise with her twin brother never to leave each other, that part of her hurt over Teddy's departure.

Teddy had been her first friend, her first friend that wasn't Callie's first at least, in a long time.

For all her bravado and cheer and sunshine and rainbows and crap, Arizona wasn't exactly someone who had lots of friends, who had a large circle. She kept to herself most of the time and wasn't exactly quick to trust.

But Teddy had been, well, she and Teddy just seemed to get each other, and they had been through a lot together. They cried together when Owen picked Cristina and Arizona and Callie were broken up. Teddy had spent over two months calling and emailing Arizona for the sole purpose of telling her she was an idiot for going to Africa without Callie; in all honesty, Teddy was the only person Arizona heard from in those months.

Teddy had been the only person other than Alex to check on her after the car crash. Teddy had sat with her and run through a concussion protocol and checked the cuts on her face and made sure she had something to eat and tried to convince her to sleep. Arizona had been the person Teddy called with her angst over whether or not to date her husband. Arizona had been the one to try and piece Teddy back together after Henry's death.

But that wasn't enough.

And really, Arizona didn't fault Teddy for leaving. She could barely wait to run across the country after Tim's death. She couldn't imagine how hard it was for Teddy to work in the same place her husband had died in.

She wasn't sure what she would do if Callie died, but based on how self-destructive she became after Tim, she knew it was likely to be messy and disastrous at best.

In that split second when Callie flatlined and Sofia's heart wasn't beating, it had been like Arizona's world imploded, like the sky had come crashing down around her ears and she couldn't even remember how to breathe.

But then there was a heartbeat and Callie was fine and Sofia was a fighter and they got their happy ending.

Teddy didn't get that. One minute, she was happy and arguing with Henry over medical school; the next, Henry was gone and she didn't even get to say goodbye. Teddy barely had any time with Henry before he was gone.

So yeah, Arizona understood why Teddy needed to leave.

But it still hurt.

And she knew that was selfish and horrible and unfair of her. It wasn't about her. It never was about her. People had lives and things to do and people to see.

And so Arizona made sure to smile reassuringly at Teddy, who looked relieved as she smiled.

"I'm really happy for you, Teds. Germany will be good for you. You'll love it there."

"Oh yeah, you lived there, didn't you?"

"In high school, yeah."

No need to get into the way Arizona had thrown an honest to God fit before they moved to Germany because she wanted to stay in North Carolina, because she was on the soccer team and she liked her math teacher and she hated her name and it was stupid and she sucked at learning new languages and all she wanted was to be normal.

And certainly no need to get into how quiet she became when they left Germany a year later for Hawaii and Arizona was terrified to say anything about not wanting to leave Germany because Ada Faust had kissed her and she didn't even know where to start and she didn't want her family to notice anything different about her so she just stayed quiet and didn't so much as complain when her dad informed them they were crossing the world, yet again.

"Any recommendations?" Teddy asked, rocking back and forth on her heels.

"I'm pretty sure the Berlin Wall was still up," she said, managing to keep her tone light and dry.

Teddy snorted out a laugh. "Okay, so maybe not then." Teddy glanced down at her watch. "Crap, I need to go pack and call MEDCOM and book a ticket. And I'm sure you two have better things to do than stand around chatting. Do you have the munchkin tonight?"

"Yeah," Callie answered, "Mark's not back until later from Boise."

"Ah right, the twin surgery. Yang was all hyped up about it. Karev have it all in hand?"

This time, Arizona wasn't as successful in keeping the bitterness out of her tone. "Yeah, so well in hand, I'm sure Hopkins can't wait to hear all about it."

Teddy and Callie exchanged a completely unsubtle look and it honestly set Arizona's teeth on edge.

"Is he really going to Hopkins?" Arizona nodded shortly and she fully ignored Callie's tensing beside her. "Isn't that a good thing though? You went to Hopkins and you're great."

"He doesn't need to go to Hopkins. We're one of the best fellowship programs in the country! And now we have no fellow because freakin' McCale stole my fellow!" Teddy glanced at Callie and the 'sorry I asked' was more than evident. "Whatever. It's just… whatever. It's his life. If he wants to act like that, I want no part of it. Alex can go off to Baltimore and I'm sure he'll absolutely hate it. Whatever," she sighed.

She knew she was being childish and Alex was a grown man who could make his own choices. But she had invested so much in him. He was her pick. He had wanted her fellowship. And now she had screwed the department. For the, hm, what? Third time in so many years? Great, just great.

She exhaled, closing her eyes for a moment.

"It's really not important. I'll deal with Alex, well, maybe never at this rate. But it's fine. You've got more exciting things going on," she said, plastering on a smile again. "Germany, yay!"

Teddy grinned back at her for a moment before lunging forward and pulling her into a hug. Teddy held her tight, whispering to her, "Thank you. Thank you so much, Arizona. You're an amazing friend. Thank you for not giving up on me."

Arizona brought her free hand up to Teddy's back. "You're not too bad yourself, Altman," Arizona said into Teddy's shoulder, half-muffling the tears evident in her voice. "Go kick ass in Germany, okay?"

"I'll call, I promise."

How many times had Arizona heard that promise? How many times had she made that promise? And how many times had anyone actually followed through on it?

"You better," Arizona settled on.

Teddy pulled back, looking a little teary eyed. "I should get going." Arizona nodded, not trusting her voice entirely. Teddy shifted her focus to Callie. "Take care of yourself, Torres."

"You too."

"And take care of your wife. Don't let her keep smoking those cigarettes she has hidden in the Scrabble game in her office."

"Teddy!"

"You have cigarettes hidden in your office, seriously, Arizona?"

"I do not."

"You so do. I'm pretty sure there are also some in her car too. I'd put money on that toolbox, emergency kit in her trunk."

"I have no idea what you're talking about-"

"Also, that hoodie with the zipper pockets, but those ones are really old and admittedly, I did buy them for her."

"You bought her cigarettes? Doesn't that go against everything you stand for as a cardio-thoracic surgeon?"

Teddy held her hands up in placation. "In my defense, you two were broken up, we were very, very drunk and very, very, very sad."

"Oh my God, Teddy," Arizona groaned, tipping her head back, fully unwilling to meet Callie's assuredly judgemental glare. "Stop talking."

"Any other places I apparently need to check?"

"I think that about covers it." Teddy glanced between the two of them, unable to disguise the mischief in her eyes. "See you around, Torres, Robbins."

"Have a safe flight, Teddy," Arizona said, even though she had a number of choice words for Teddy, but better to keep those to herself.

As Teddy headed down the corridor, she glanced over her shoulder one more time, giving a little half wave.

It felt far too final for Arizona's liking.

This was why she didn't like goodbyes.

She and Teddy were going to be separated by an ocean and thousands of miles.

She had doubts that they'd really keep in touch.

"Do you really have cigarettes hidden in your office?"

Arizona spun around to face Callie, a weak, guilty smile playing on her lips. "No?"

"Mhm, so you definitely didn't smoke today? And I mistakenly could taste and smell smoke on you? Final answer?"

Callie tugged Arizona a bit closer by her hips, Arizona having to tip her head up slightly to keep eye contact. Arizona chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before answering, "I may have had half of one and I felt gross about it after and I promise not to do it again?"

"Honestly, your smoking ages me like ten years. And it's going to kill you some day. And I'd really prefer if you stayed whole and healthy, okay?" Arizona nodded resolutely. "Now isn't the time, but we're throwing away all of your cigarettes tomorrow." Arizona swallowed against the lump in her throat as tears formed in her eyes. "Oh, no, I'm not really that mad, I'm just worried. Please don't cry, Arizona." Arizona shook her head quickly. "No, don't cry, honey."

"Everyone always leaves," Arizona murmured, her voice small and tear-filled. "I'm happy, happy for Teddy. But… but…" Arizona shook her head again before burying her face in Callie's shoulder.

Callie held her close as Arizona let out a sob.

It was just all too much all at once.

Just too much.

"Everyone always leaves," Arizona repeated, unable to rid herself of the ache in her chest.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Arizona wanted to believe that. She wanted so badly to believe that.

But there was far more evidence to the contrary.

And she was sure Callie leaving her would probably shatter her. If Callie walked away, she'd, well, she wasn't even sure what she'd do. She didn't even want to think about the possibility. Yet, she couldn't ever quite shake it.

She and Callie had broken up before. She had tried to move across the world from Callie and she had felt like she was dying.

She wasn't sure which terrified her more: the concept of Callie leaving or how sure she was that it would destroy her.

But she didn't feel like she could tell her wife that. Not without dragging up old wounds and accusations and it was better just to keep it to herself.

She didn't want to burden Callie like that. Callie didn't sign up for all Arizona's baggage. She didn't want Callie to feel like she was stuck, like Arizona was trying to, God, she didn't even know, like Arizona was suffocating her or something.

So she could push down all of these swirling toxic feelings and smile and be normal. She'd done it so many times before. Her feelings would fade away in time; at least until the next time someone left. But that was a problem for later.

"I know," she said into Callie's shoulder, "I know." She pulled back, blinking back tears. "Can we go home?"

"Of course, whatever you need."

The softness in Callie's voice was almost enough to bring tears to Arizona's eyes again. That gentleness and care that was so uniquely Callie, that had been half the reason Arizona had fallen in love with her in the beginning. Wasn't that what she had told Callie (admittedly on accident and way, way too soon), that she loved her heart?

That hadn't changed.

Arizona felt like she fell deeper and deeper in love with Callie every day.

"You're amazing."

Callie flushed a bit and God, Arizona was lucky. Head tipped slightly to the side, Callie said, "Thank you, I guess? What for?"

Arizona looped their fingers together, their rings clinking together. "Just being you. That's all." Callie smiled what Arizona considered her super magic smile. "Home and baby snuggles?"

"Throw in some wife snuggles and you got a deal."

"I thought that was a given."

Even though she felt nothing short of raw emotionally speaking, things felt more manageable with Sofia in her arms, playing insistently with her hair, and Callie next to her, cooing over their daughter. She still had Callie and Sofia- No, she only needed Callie and Sofia. They were her entire world.

Sofia babbled in her ear, hiding her face in Arizona's neck as they stepped out into the misty weather. Callie pushed the stroller alongside, not saying a word about Arizona's insistence on carrying Sofia.

The added weight and warmth in her arms and Sofia's sweet baby smell went a long way in settling Arizona's jittery nerves.

Everything had come crashing down around her in the past, what, three hours? Not even.

A few hours ago, she had been ready to fight Karev and break his stupid face and half debating pulling him off the conjoined twins case and doing it herself. But she was in no mood to get on a plane when her anxiety was already higher than it had been in years. The last thing she wanted to do today was get on a plane and then spend hours in surgery. She'd much rather spend her night with her family.

But that still left the fact that Nick was dying and an idiot and selfish and it was still somehow her fault, or at least it felt like it. If she hadn't fallen to pieces after Tim's death, if she hadn't screamed and cried and blamed Nick for coming home when Tim didn't, if she hadn't been so angry and vicious and miserable and depressed, then maybe Nick wouldn't have felt like he couldn't come to her. And Nick didn't even want to try. He wanted to go and die on a beach.

He always was a co-

No. No, she couldn't do that. Not now. It wasn't Nick's fault.

Nick made his own choices. Just like Alex. Just like Tim.

And then Teddy.

Teddy just felt like the final nail in the proverbial coffin.

And again, it was Teddy's choice, her life. And it was the right choice. Teddy needed to get away from Seattle and Henry's ghost.

Didn't mean it didn't hurt though.

"Ma! Ma!" Sofia seemed to sense her shifting mood and was quick to distract her, or maybe she just didn't appreciate Arizona's lack of attention. She tugged insistently on Arizona's hair.

"Gentle, Sof," she said softly, catching Sofia's hand before she could pull again. "I swear, she only pulls my hair. She never pulls on yours or Mark's."

Callie shrugged, leaning over to push the button for the crosswalk. "Your hair's more fun. It's long and a different colour."

"Isn't Mark technically blonde?" Arizona shifted Sofia to her opposite hip.

"Technically, yeah," Callie snorted, "Key word there. And Sof and I have matching hair, don't we, little miss?" Callie ruffled Sofia's hair, eliciting delighted giggles from the little girl. "So yours by default is the most interesting. And clearly, Sofia takes after me in more than just looks." Callie's free hand came down to rest at the small of Arizona's back as they crossed the street. "Your hair's always been my favorite."

"Hm, well, your hair's always been my favourite."

Callie laughed, "And that's how I know you really love me."

"What?"

"Only someone who really, really loved me could love my hair." Arizona raised an eyebrow. "The bangs?"

"The bangs were cute. I liked your bangs. You had bangs when we met. You had bangs when we had our first kiss."

"See? You really, really love me."

Arizona opened her mouth to argue further, but instead conceded, "Well, that's true. But I stand by that the bangs were cute." Sofia squirmed in her arms, trying to climb out of them. "Little Miss, do you agree with Mama?"

"Ye'!"

"She agrees with everything you say," Callie said with a pout. "You wanna go to the stroller, Sof?"

"No!"

"Sofia," Arizona half-sang, "why don't you go in the stroller?"

"Ye'!"

Callie pinned Arizona with a pointed look. "My point?"

Arizona pressed a kiss to Sofia's forehead before lowering her into the stroller. "She's just extremely clever."

"Well, yes, of course. She's practically a genius baby." Callie and Arizona met each other's eyes, both nearly bursting into laughter. "Oh my God, are we those parents? The crazy ones who think their baby is gifted and can speak five languages before they can walk."

"I mean, you do speak to Sofia in Spanish all the time. So she probably will be speaking two languages. You two just can't gang up on me."

"Or you could, you know, learn Spanish."

"I have tried, for the record. I want that noted." Arizona held open the door for Callie pushing the stroller. "I'm just terrible at learning languages. I always have been."

Callie rolled her eyes fondly. "You get distracted and then we have sex. That's what you 'learning Spanish' is."

"It's not my fault you're hot when you speak Spanish, Calliope."

"That implies that I'm not always hot."

"Perish the thought," Arizona laughed, reaching forward to dig their apartment keys out of Callie's bag. "You're always hot. The hottest. Super hot, trust me." Arizona winked at her wife before unlocking the door.

Even just walking into the little home they had made together went a long way in settling her nerves. Just the smell, an oddly soothing mix of Callie's perfume, hers, their laundry detergent, the scented candles Callie was obsessed with, and the smell of Sofia's baby shampoo felt like a breath of fresh air to her after the stress of the day. The way her and Callie's belongings had long since blended together, Arizona's things undercutting Callie's edginess, made it feel like home.

And that meant the world to Arizona. She hadn't been used to having a home for years. No matter how hard her mom tried, it was hard to make barely lived in houses with an ever present feeling of foreboding hanging over their heads feel like home. She always felt unsettled, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, like it was only ever a temporary stop.

She hadn't known on their second date when Callie invited her over for dinner that this apartment would be the first place she really, genuinely called home.

But now, years later, here they were, in the same apartment where they had danced together on their second date, happily married with a baby.

As Callie stepped past her, she lingered for a moment to press a fleeting kiss to Arizona's cheek. "You want a glass of wine?"

"Yes, please."

"I'll bring you a glass on the couch. Just go relax a bit. No offence, but you look like you're about to fall over."

"Gee, thanks, Calliope. Way to compliment your wife," she teased, bumping Callie's hip. She turned her focus to Sofia, who was completely engrossed with her stuffed rabbit in her stroller. "Come on, sweet girl." Arizona scooped her daughter up, Sofia giggling in delight as Arizona blew a raspberry on her belly. "Aren't you just the sweetest baby?"

"Ma!" Sofia punctuated her word with a tug on Arizona's hair and a yawn.

"Gentle, gentle," sang Arizona as she and Sofia settled on the sofa. Without much prompting, Sofia curled deeper in her arms, gripping tight to Arizona's shirt and pressing her head to Arizona's heart. "Did you have a busy day playing with Zola, Sof? Is it bedtime?"

She petted Sofia's dark hair down soothingly, running her hand down Sofia's back. Sofia grumbled a bit as she repositioned herself. Arizona had to stifle a laugh at how similar Callie and Sofia could be. She let herself relax further back into the couch, letting her breathing even out to match Sofia's as much as possible.

Arizona had seen her share of miracles over the years, but Sofia would always seem the most miraculous. That Sofia had been a fighter, that her heart kept beating, that Arizona got her heart to beat in the first place. Some nights, as she watched Sofia sleep, she could simply blink and see how tiny Sofia had been in her NICU, how many machines and wires had been necessary to keep her alive. But Sofia was still here, still breathing, becoming an amazing little girl.

At some point, she must have drifted off, as the next thing she saw was Callie hovering over her with Arizona's head in her lap, a gentle smile playing across her lips.

"Hey sleepyhead," teased Callie.

Arizona scrubbed a hand over her face, feeling entirely disoriented. "How long was I asleep?"

"Like an hour."

Arizona started to shoot up, realising Sofia wasn't with her. "Where's-"

"I already put Sofia to bed. And by put to bed, I mean I picked her up off of you asleep and just moved her to her bed after changing her. She sleeps like the dead. She sleeps like Mark," Callie said with a laugh, running her fingers through Arizona's hair.

Arizona rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. "Because you're such a light sleeper, sure. Hey, are you watching Orange County without me? Calliope," she whined, poking at Callie's leg.

"It's last week's episode, don't worry." Callie drew soothing circles along Arizona's scalp and she just melted against her. "How're you feeling? It's only 8:30. I had some cheese and crackers while you were sleeping, and we've got the stuff for pasta or I think there's some of that roast chicken from the other day. Or we can order food in. Or if you're not hungry and just want to sleep, we can do that too." Arizona stared up at Callie, tracing over the contours of her face. "I do think you should try to eat something though."

"Can I have some cheese and crackers? Honestly, I don't know if I could manage anything else."

"'course. D'you want to eat on the couch or table?"

Arizona groaned as she sat up, her back cracking a bit as she went. "Table. I don't want to deal with the crumbs."

"Of course, it's not like there're crumbs everywhere because, you know, we live with a toddler," Callie laughed, standing to her feet. "Want your wine? I poured it already before your little Sleeping Beauty act," Callie asked as she stood in front of their fridge.

"Mhm, that'd be great. Can I steal this?" Arizona asked, already pulling on Callie's grey sweater she had abandoned over one of the chairs. "Are you working tomorrow?"

"Supposed to be," replied Callie, joining Arizona at their table with a few packages of cheese and crackers and Arizona's wine. "Why?"

"Wanna play hooky?"

"Seriously, Arizona?" Callie arched an eyebrow at her. "Don't you have surgeries tomorrow?"

Arizona picked at one of the boxes of crackers. "Nope. I had big plans of getting Karev settled with his fellowship and going through paperwork. But I was thinking, maybe, if you want to call in, we could take Sofia out for the day, maybe go to the aquarium or something. Go to a farmer's market. I don't know. I just need to not," Arizona sighed, "not be at the hospital." As she said the words, she immediately saw the implication of her words. "I'm not bailing," she rushed out.

Callie's eye brows quirked up and confusion flashed across her face. "No…?" Callie said, uncertainty clear in her voice. "I didn't think you were-"

"I just need a break. I can't, I can't be there with Nick and his, his whole dying thing. I can't deal with Alex when he's back from Boise. I just can't. Just not, I just need a day. Just a day. And then I can be-"

Callie laid a hand over Arizona's, stilling her almost frantic movements. "It's okay, Arizona. Just breathe. I think a day off sounds great. There's been, well, so much going on, for you in particular. We'll just take the day off, go somewhere fun with Sof and just relax, okay?" Callie drew soothing circles over the top of Arizona's hand before lacing their fingers together. "Everything will be okay. I promise." Callie's smile was so sincere, Arizona couldn't help but believe her. As long as she had Callie and Sofia, she'd be okay, she'd be whole. She didn't need much, she just needed them to be happy.

I love you and you love me and none of the rest of it matters.

None of the rest of it mattered. Not as long as she had her family.

Arizona swallowed against the lump that had formed in her throat as she nodded, blinking away unbidden tears.

She was just so tired, exhausted even. Everything just felt like too much and not enough and just constant and she wanted things to just stop for a moment.

In a way, she hated herself for being so weak, so reliant on other people. Because other people always left. Other people always let you down. Other people always broke their promises. But Callie never did. She and Callie always came back together, they always figured it out.

"We'll both call in tomorrow and just have a nice day. You know how much Sofia loves the aquarium."

They smiled at each other at the memories of Sofia excitedly pressing her face against the glass, eager to be even closer.

"And maybe if the weather's okay, we could take her to the beach too."

"It's Seattle."

"It might not rain. It doesn't always rain." Callie leaned in the side of her chair to pointedly look out the window. "Just because it's raining right now, doesn't mean it'll be raining tomorrow. And we can just bundle Sofia up."

"Well, now that you said it won't rain, it's totally gonna rain."

"Ever the optimist, aren't you?" Arizona said over the edge of her wine glass. "I can't believe Teddy's leaving. I mean, I can believe it. She's just so… so sad and grieving and it's so all-consuming." Arizona sipped at her wine. "When… when Tim died, I couldn't… I don't even know. I felt so trapped in Baltimore, at Hopkins. And even then, it's so different. Completely different situations. Germany will be good for Teddy. She shouldn't have to be in this place where she lost Henry. She's already lost so much."

"You can still be sad about her leaving, Arizona. She's still your friend and you'll miss her. That's perfectly normal for you to be sad."

"I know," and Arizona instantly regretted the sharpness of her tone. "I know," she repeated, softer this time. "I should be, I am used to it. Hell, I almost expect it."

"Arizona," Callie started, "you shouldn't have to be used to people leaving. And you certainly shouldn't expect people to leave." Callie tightened her grip on Arizona's hand. "Do you expect me to leave?" Arizona hesitated and Callie inhaled sharply. "Arizona."

"No, I mean, not really."

"Really? Arizona, we're married. We have a kid. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. You know that, right?"

Arizona chewed on her cheek for a moment. It wasn't that she thought Callie was leaving. It was just that no one ever really stayed and Arizona was constantly waiting for something, anything to happen. She still couldn't feel settled. It was just like when she was a kid and never could fully relax because they were always going to leave, they were always going to move. Only now, Arizona couldn't help but wonder if Callie would one day realise she deserved more than Arizona. That she wanted her family back. That she didn't want to play house.

"Arizona, sweetheart." Arizona blinked and realised Callie had moved to kneel in front of her, resting her hands on Arizona's knees. "I promise I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. I'm always here. I promise I'm not leaving. I would never leave. You make me happier than anything in the world. I want so much for you, for us. You and Sofia are it for me, okay? And if we have another baby, or ten, that's amazing. But I need you to understand this: I'm not leaving. Arizona, you deserve to have people stay. You shouldn't have to be used to people leaving. And I know today isn't the day for that. I know today has been tough, and you've taken so many losses. But, but I'm still here."

Arizona fought against the tears threatening to spill and failed as a few slipped down her cheeks. She reached forward to cup Callie's cheek, brushing her thumb across Callie's cheek. "I know. I know."

"What needs to happen for you to understand that? I hate that you feel this way. It breaks my heart." Arizona let out a shaky breath. It hurt her that she was hurting Callie in anyway. Callie shouldn't have to bear this burden for her. "Arizona, don't do that. Don't pull away and push everything down. I said for better or worse. I want you to lean on me. I would do anything to support you."

"What did I do to deserve you, Calliope?"

"Nothing. You're you. That's all you needed to do."

"Calliope," Arizona sighed.

"I'm being serious. I just need you. You and Sofia and that's everything for me." Callie check lifted one of Arizona's hands to her lips to press a kiss to her knuckles. "I just need you to talk to me and let me in. I want every part of you, good and bad."

A few more tears fell down Arizona's cheeks, landing on their joined hands. "I want that too. I promise. Our family is all I need, all I want. And I promise, Calliope, I'm trying. I want to, I want to let you in and share with you. But I… I'm worried I'll be a burden on you."

"You're not a burden. I don't want you ever to think that. You're my wife. You're not a burden, you never could be." Arizona nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. "You look so tired, sweetheart. Bed?" Callie asked softly, drawing Arizona's gaze back to her. "Or do you want to eat more?" She gestured to the few crackers Arizona had picked at.

Arizona's stomach turned at the thought of eating anything, her body clearly protesting anything other than sleep. "No, I'm good. I think, yeah, just bed, I think."

Callie stood to her feet, offering Arizona a hand. Callie pulled her up and into a tight hug, burying her face in Arizona's hair. Arizona held tight to Callie's shirt, almost unwilling to let go.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, swaying back and forth, just holding each other, being in each other's presence.

Arizona pulled back first, pressing a fleeting kiss to Callie's lips. She looped their fingers together as they headed towards their bedroom. Arizona paused in the doorway of Sofia's room just to steal a glance of Sofia asleep.

"Your mini me," Arizona whispered, grinning up at her wife. Callie peered over her shoulder.

"I don't sleep like that," Callie whispered back.

"You so do, with your arms up over your face, totally. You constantly hit me in the face," Arizona said with a quiet grumbled something under her breath that Arizona missed as she stepped into the bathroom. Arizona stripped off her clothes before pulling Callie's sweater back on with a pair of shorts. She glanced at the clock as she dropped on the bed. "Are we old?"

Callie appeared in the doorway with her toothbrush in her mouth. "Huh?"

"It's barely 7 and we're going to bed. Are we old?"

Callie held up a finger and ducked back in the bathroom for a moment. "We have a toddler, that's more than enough to exhaust someone. Plus, y'know," Callie paused, waving a hand around as if that explained everything, which it honestly did.

Arizona scrubbed a hand over her face. "Remember when we would've gone out and been fun?" She fell back against the pillows, watching Callie change. "Or stayed in and had sex?"

"To be fair, I did propose sex," Callie teased, a gentle smile playing across her face.

"Maybe tomorrow, babe," Arizona said, her eyes drifting shut. "After the aquarium and beach."

Callie joined her on the bed, pulling Arizona closer. "D'you mind if I read for a bit? Will the light bother you?"

Arizona rolled on to her side, curling against Callie, as she shook her head. Callie readjusted Arizona so her head was in her lap and Callie could play with her hair as she read. Arizona let her eyes drift shut, just listening to Callie's breathing and the turning of her pages.

The last thought she had before falling fully asleep was that things had to start looking up, that the worst had to have passed.

And then the phone rang.

xx

hit me up on twitter at lavender_lenax or tumblr at spooky robbins or in the comments here/dms if you have requests (for either drabbles or something longer!)

much love xx