AN: Sorry for the delay! After two years of avoiding the virus-that-shall-not-be-named, it finally caught up with us last week. I'm feeling better but still quite tired. Hoping to post another couple of chapters this week though! Thank you for the reviews, they were even better than chicken noodle soup for this under-the-weather writer.
Carlisle's POV
Leaving Bella and Alice to their continuing discussion, I slipped back downstairs. Esme stood at the center island, her hands a blur of motion as she prepared a meal for Bella. She paused her work, setting the knife down next to the cutting board covered in perfectly chopped carrots, onions, and celery.
"How is she?" Esme asked, wiping her hands off on a kitchen towel before meeting me at the foot of the stairs. She reached up and swept a lock of my hair to the side, her hand coming to rest affectionately on my cheek. Her thumb brushed back and forth across my cheekbone as a smile flitted at the corner of her lips. My eyes closed at her touch and I leaned into her caress, welcoming the calm that settled over me.
When I opened my eyes a few moments later, the first thing I saw was the worry etched on her face. We had both been listening anxiously as Alice shared more details about Aro's intentions in Volterra. I'd raced upstairs upon hearing the first telltale signs that Bella was on the verge of a panic attack. "She will be okay. It's just a lot of information to take in."
Esme nodded in agreement but her eyes remained troubled. "I know it's important for her to hear all of this, but Carlisle, she has suffered so much already."
While Bella had slept the previous night, Esme and I had sat for hours discussing the events that had unfurled in Volterra as well as the necessary plans for the coming week. Ideally, Bella's final days as a human would have been peaceful. Esme's maternal instincts agreed. At first she had been inclined to protect Bella from the distressing information and emotional pain that loomed ahead. She feared that the last few months had been hard enough on Bella. In the end, we both agreed that in order to reestablish the girl's trust in us we would have to be honest and forthcoming in regards to the situation we now found ourselves in.
"It will not be easy. But Bella is strong, and we owe her complete transparency. She deserves to go into this new life fully aware of the events that led to it and the events that lie ahead yet." There was still a lot to discuss with her, necessary details to hammer out before the chaos of newborn life began.
"Will you be able to offer her anything for the pain before you change her?" Asked Esme.
"Yes, I've managed to acquire some morphine so I will let her know it's an option. Though I am rather doubtful about its efficacy. I fear the venom will burn through it before it can do much to ease the pain. But it certainly can't hurt to try." It may have been wishful thinking on my part but I remained hopeful that the morphine might alleviate at least some of the pain.
I had never had the chance to prepare ahead of time for a transformation; I had never changed someone that wasn't already on the brink of death. Despite the situation having its advantages, I still struggled with the immense guilt that came with each change.
"It's never gotten any easier," I sighed.
"Performing the change?" questioned Esme.
"The self-condemnation. After I changed Edward I remember thinking that if I ever felt inclined to create another member for our family, the sin of what I'd done couldn't possibly weigh as heavily on my conscience the second time. That the first would be the hardest but that I might grow accustomed to it with each successive change. Not that I ever imagined performing the task as many times as I have. But regardless of the circumstances, each time I feel as though I'm going against everything I stand for." Esme had heard it all before but listened with patience as I shared my anxieties.
She smiled and tilted her head up to kiss me lightly on the cheek. "I should think it more worrisome if the task did become easier, if you grew numb to the gravity of the situation. The grief that accompanies you for each transformation is an expression of your respect for each human life and death. Though of course I am sorry you must shoulder the burden of it on your consciousness."
Esme was right of course, I was amiss to hope that performing such a task would one day be any less burdensome. For if that were the case, it would mean I had lost even more of my humanity, of what little I had left in this immortal half-life. From the moment I awoke from my own fiery transformation, I had taken every measure possible to live a life as far-removed from that of a typical vampire as possible, to maintain the illusion of humanity that remained to me. In dedicating my immortal life to distancing myself from the murderous instincts of our kind, I had made myself a pariah in the vampire world. With the added impossibility of establishing relationships with humans, my life became one of crushing loneliness. Loneliness that drove me to do the one thing I'd sworn I'd never do. Each time that I had leaned over the broken human bodies of my family, my teeth hovering above their weakening pulses, the shame had threatened to conquer my resolve. But the ache of solitude, my desperation for family, always won out. And for three days I would sit and listen to the desperate screams, disgusted with myself. Would the availability of modern medicine make this change any different? Or would Bella's screams be seared in my infallible memory alongside the others?
The sound of Alice and Bella making their way downstairs pulled me from my stream of thought. I whispered a thank you to Esme, her responding smile a reminder of the beauty that followed the grief of each change.
"The others will be here in a few minutes!" Alice chirped excitedly.
Bella's expression was a mixture of determined resolve and wariness. I could understand her hesitancy to see them. Or at least Jasper and Rosalie. The last time she had seen Jasper he had been lunging for her throat while Rosalie had always been cold at best towards Bella. But I knew she would want to wear a brave face, hence the attempt at steel in her glances towards the front door.
Esme saw the nervousness in her features and held a hand out to Bella, "It's going to be okay, they're eager to see you." Bella didn't bother trying to hide the skepticism written across her face but allowed Esme to lead her into the kitchen. "I was just working on some lunch for you. How does chicken pot pie sound?" Esme asked, drawing the girl's attention away from the entryway and to the spread of ingredients on the countertop.
Bella's expression softened as she took in the ordered chaos of half-chopped vegetables, homemade pastry pie dough, and the sauce quietly simmering on the unused stove. She was clearly touched by Esme's attentions. "That sounds delicious, Esme. But you know you don't have to go through so much trouble on my account. I'm more than happy with a sandwich or something."
The front door had made almost no sound as it crept open; instead it was my son's baritone voice that announced his arrival, "Hey little sis, you've only got a few more days left to eat that foul-smelling stuff so you might as well make the most of it!"
Bella's POV
The laughing tilt of Emmett's booming voice caused me to jump into the air, which only encouraged his boisterous laughter even more.
"Emmett!" I turned to face him and watched as he crossed the room in a blur, Jasper and Rosalie walking in behind him with more discretion. His massive form now in front of me, he held open his arms for a hug, an earnest grin on his face. I stepped towards him and winced as his bear-like grip surrounded me. I had expected his enthusiasm to translate into a tighter hug than my ribs or arm could handle but he had gauged the strength of his embrace just right. Though Carlisle didn't seem as sure.
"Emmett-" Carlisle's voice had a tone of warning in it and I felt the arms around me slacken.
I did my best to reassure them both, "No, it's okay. He was careful." I found myself smiling up at him shyly. Alice had said that Emmett had been one of the others that fought against Edward's demands to leave, and his excitement over seeing me now certainly proved he cared, but I still hesitated. It had been the same with each of the others. Once I was past the initial shock and relief at seeing them, a confusing wave of emotions followed in its wake. Though I knew I could count on Emmett's lightheartedness and easy-going manner to strike a welcome balance with the distressing situation in which we'd found ourselves.
"What, didn't Carlisle patch you up?" Emmett, eyebrows raised, cast a doubtful look in his father's direction.
Before I could answer, Carlisle sought to justify his apparent inaction, "I'm afraid I've only been able to work at managing the pain. By the time I arrived in Volterra her arm had already begun to heal in its fractured state. I would have had to break the bone anew to set it right. We decided it wouldn't be worth the extra trouble, not to mention the extra pain, considering the venom will heal it soon".
"Dang, kid, you really do know how to attract danger." Emmett shook his head and gave me an endearing look.
I thought I heard him mutter something about proper motorcycle lessons and I couldn't help but grin. Though my smile faltered as I caught sight of Rosalie and Jasper behind him, maintaining their usual distance from me. At some point I hoped to talk to Jasper about what had happened at my birthday, Alice had reassured me it would go just fine. But Rosalie didn't seem to have changed her feelings towards me, her eyes as cold as ever.
"Hi Jasper, Hi Rosalie." My voice sounded more confident than I felt.
A small half-smile softened the expression on Jasper's face as he responded, "Hey, Bella. It's good to see you again." Rosalie inclined her head a fraction of an inch in unspoken greeting.
I suddenly felt shy having almost the entire family surround me once more. For months I had tried to imagine this moment but had always stopped myself before the pain of its impossibility could desolate me. Even when I had believed that Edward didn't want me anymore I had dreamed of seeing his family again. After all, I had begun to consider them as family long before their disappearance. Now that I was in their midst again, the gaping hole in my chest had truly begun to stitch itself back together, of that I was sure. The newfound warmth that filled the empty space was exhilarating, if not a little bit terrifying.
Carlisle's serious tone distracted me from my thoughts, "Now that you are all home, we have some things to discuss as a family. In order for the change to be complete by the time the Volturi guards return, we should start Bella's transformation no later than-"
Emmett interrupted, "Are we sure we have to rush into this? Couldn't we hide her?"
Alice sighed. Carlisle shook his head, "They will no doubt send Demitri to check that we have followed through on my promise to Aro." Glancing at me he explained, "Enhanced tracking is Demitri's power. It is almost like he becomes attuned to the person's frequency and can follow it directly to them."
"Yeah but wouldn't Bella's shield protect her from being found?" Emmett sounded hopeful, encouraged by what seemed to him a foolproof idea.
"It is possible that Demitri won't be able to tune into her location. But we can't be sure. Plus, even if he is not able to track Bella directly, he will have no problem finding us-"
"Absolutely not." My voice was hard, my words uncompromising. The family fell silent and watched me as my head shook in slow motion back and forth. "I'm not going to let you stand between me and the Volturi. It's out of the question." I looked to Carlisle and Esme, willing them to back me up. I refused to let them endanger themselves or the family any further on my account. But it was someone else altogether that voiced her support for my refusal to hide from the Volturi.
"Bella is right," said Rosalie, her voice cool and assured. "We have drawn enough attention to ourselves where the Volturi is concerned. It would be foolish to think that we could escape what they already consider a lenient punishment."
A stunned silence settled over the room following her words. Our eyes met for a second and the slight nod of her head was the most significant sign of support she had ever shown me. My slack-jawed reaction must have shown some of the shock I felt because the next thing Rosalie did was roll her eyes.