I was woken up by Edward's nimble fingers gently stroking my hair, his fingernails lightly scraping against my scalp, I hummed contently and nuzzled closer to him, not wanting to wake up. Edward chuckled softly, the noise rumbled against my ear. "You need to get up love, or you will have trouble sleeping tonight." Edward hummed.
"Wha' time is it?" I mumbled sleepily.
"Just past 3 o'clock." Edward replied quietly and I groaned loudly in response. So much for a short nap.
I rolled over and flopped lazily onto my back with a heaving sigh, I felt more tired now than I had before. I felt fatigued and emotionally drained and I wanted nothing more than to roll over and go back to sleep, but I knew Edward was right. If I didn't get up now I would probably wake up at 3 am alert and ready to start the day and then my entire sleep cycle would be totally fucked.
"I missed lunch." I muttered grumpily.
Edward chuckled and I felt the bed move and he stood up, "Yes, you did. We can go down and find you a snack, but Esme is making dinner for you and your father. She's planning some sort of Asian stir fry and she's really excited for you to try it, so I would hate for you to spoil your appetite." I looked over to see Edward smiling at me, an amused sparkle in his eye.
I sluggishly sat up and pulled my knees to my chest, I looked at my feet and gave my toes a tentative wiggle. "I suppose I can wait for dinner." I shrugged.
"How are your feet?" Edward asked as he walked around the bed to come stand at my side.
"Good, no pain." I remarked.
"Let's take a look then, shall we?" Edward raised an eyebrow in question as he sat down on the bed, pulling one of my bandaged feet onto his lap. Edward's cool fingers expertly unwrapped the gauzy bandages on my right foot until it was bare. His fingertips grazed the sole of my foot and I jerked away violently from the tickling sensation. Edward looked up at me alarmed, "Did I hurt you?" He asked worryingly.
"No!" I breathed, "It tickled!" I huffed and when Edward got a mischievous gleam in his eye I narrowed my eyes at him. "Don't you dare!" I warned threateningly. Edward only smirked and shifted his weight as if to pounce, "I mean it, Edward!" I shouted, "Don't make me throw you through another window." I growled.
Edward snorted a laugh and held his hands up in surrender, "Okay, Okay. No tickling, I promise." He teased, "Now give me your other foot." He ordered. I frowned at him but reluctantly put my left foot in his lap and he unwrapped that one too, he put his hand on my ankle to turn my foot to get a better look at it. "You're all healed, there are some thin white scars there, though."
My hand went up and grasped my shoulder instinctively, the shoulder that still held the pale white scars of James' bite. It was the only scar to have remained once all the others faded, it was barely noticeable unless you were looking for it, but I could never stop myself from searching it out in the mirror. "They'll probably never fade." I mumbled sullenly, "Venom induced wounds and all."
Edward smiled sadly at me and bent down and placed a soft kiss to the top of my foot, he straightened up and slowly stood up off the bed, causing my foot to fall from his lap. He offered me a hand and I took it. Edward pulled me to my feet and enveloped me in a soft hug, he pulled away and smiled down at me, "Lets head downstairs," He suggested.
I nodded happily and followed Edward downstairs. Edward started towards the living room, but I could hear movement in the kitchen so I followed the noises and found Esme there. Esme was wearing a pale yellow apron that was covered in pastel blue flowers and when I entered the kitchen she turned and gave me a beaming smile, "You're up! How are you feeling?"
"Great," I smiled back and then looked over the kitchen at the variety of different ingredients Esme had pulled out of the fridge and pantry. "Need any help with dinner?"
"Oh no!" Esme's smile was warm and motherly, she turned around and started to rummage around in the crisper draw of the fridge, "I just need… drat, we don't have any fresh ginger." Esme straightened and turned around with a frown, "I could have sworn I bought some…" She mused as she furrowed her brow.
"That's okay Esme!" Rosalie chirped up as she ducked into the room, she looped her arm through mine, "Bella and I will go pick some up for you." She declared.
"We will?" I asked confused,
"We will." Rosalie confirmed and started to pull me towards the garage, barely pausing long enough for me to put my shoes on. "Be back soon!" She called lightly over her shoulder.
"Thank you, dears." Esme responded happily.
Not one to argue with Rosalie I simply let myself be herded towards the garage and into Rose's BMW. We sat in a comfortable silence as Rosalie drove towards the small grocery store in Forks, she swerved into the lot before she pulled into a vacate space at the far end of the lot. I undid my seat-belt and moved to get out of the car when Rosalie finally spoke.
"Hold on." Rosalie twisted in her seat to face me, "I wanted to talk to you for a moment." She said seriously.
I frowned at her tone and turned to face her, "What's wrong?" I asked cautiously. My relationship with Rosalie had improved substantially, her cold and aloof behaviour from a year ago was a thing of the past, that being said we weren't exactly close and we had never spent significant time together without Alice as a buffer. So I was a little bit suspicious of how Rosalie had dragged me away from the house to speak to me alone in the empty parking lot of a grocery store.
"Nothings wrong." Rosalie quickly assured me, "I just wanted to talk to you, away from all the others." I pursed my lips and studied her for a moment, waiting for her to continue. Rosalie sighed lightly as her gaze turned soft, "I heard what you told Edward, earlier."
"No secrets in that house, huh?" I grumbled.
Rosalie chuckled humorlessly, "Quite." Rosalie's soft but scrutinising gaze studied me for a moment before she continued. "What has Edward told you about how I was turned?" She asked softly.
"Not much." I shrugged, "Just that you were changed in New York in the 30's."
"Yes, well it's not a particularly pleasant story… and it's also a very personal one, so I am glad Edward didn't share it with you." Rosalie tucked a strand of her golden hair behind her ear and cleared her throat daintily. For the first time since I had met her, Rosalie Hale looked uncertain of herself, nervous almost. "Carlisle saved my life, like he did with Edward, just under very different circumstances. I was engaged to be married, and I thought that he was perfect…" Rosalie paused and took a moment to steady herself, and her amber eyes hardened with bitter resentment. "Until he attacked me, viciously, along with several of his friends before leaving me to bleed out in the street." Rosalie finished coldly.
"You mean he…" I swallowed thickly.
"Raped me. Yes. You can say it, Bella. It's only a word." Rosalie replied sternly.
"Why are you telling me this?" I rasped, suddenly unable to find my voice.
Rosalie's expression softened again, "Like I said, I heard what you told Edward. I figured I could help you."
I shook my head stubbornly, "It's not the same thing though, is it? I wasn't-" The painful tightness in my chest snatched the hateful word out my throat before I could speak it.
"Raped." Rosalie finished for me, so matter-a-factly that I could help but become a little annoyed with her.
"Yeah. That." I snapped coldly.
Rosalie didn't let my anger rankle her, which I was surprised by. Usually Rosalie was one to quickly bite back the moment someone took any sort of tone with her. I had become an unsuspecting bystander to some spectacular yelling matches between her and Edward over the summer months, so seeing Rosalie hold back her own irritation was a bit of a novelty.
Rosalie's full lips curved into a gentle smile, the kind of smile one may give to a toddler having a tantrum, but it wasn't patronising. No, it was just… compassionate. Yes, compassion and understanding, tinged with a sad sort of camaraderie. "He got close though, didn't he?" She prodded gently.
"I-I… I don't know." I stuttered with a jerky shrug, "It's all sorta… hazy."
Sadness clouded her elegant features, "Oh Bella, no it's not." Rosalie sighed, I scowled at her angrily and went to say something scathing in return but she just kept talking, not giving me a chance to respond. "If you didn't remember the assault clearly, you wouldn't have thrown my brother out a window." She chided softly, "Besides, I think I have a pretty good idea. I know what you looked like when you came stumbling into that hotel room." Rosalie sombrely reminded me.
The burning anger in my chest grew, spilling out into my veins like an uncontrollable wildfire and I held onto it, pulled it close and fervently stoked the flames. I could use my anger to hide just how scared I was. "You don't know anything." I spat cruelly.
Rosalie released a tired sigh, "Bella, I'm not the enemy here. I'm trying to help you." Rosalie responded calmly.
"I never asked for your help!" I shouted, "I'm fine! Nothing happened to me, and I. Am. Fine!" My voice was stronger than I felt as I thundered angrily at a woman who didn't deserve it and was only trying to help.
"It's okay if you're not, ya know." Rosalie shrugged indifferently, "I know I wasn't." Rosalie's voice was still even, still calm and collected and she seemed completely untouched by my growing anger.
"Well I am not you!" I screamed at her and as my anger continued to escalate my voice began to tremble dangerously. In the back of my mind I was glad that there was no one else in the deserted parking lot to overhear me screeching at my boyfriends sister like some unhinged maniac. To complete the embarrassing spectacle I was making of myself, my eyes started to burn as tears welled up and blurred my vision. "Besides! He never… he didn't… I-I wasn't-" Hot angry, traitorous tears streamed down my face as I hiccuped around my words.
"Raped." Rosalie completed my sentence.
"Would you stop saying that!" I shrieked around my tears, I was totally mortified as I sat across from Rosalie and full on ugly cried. My face was red and snot dribbled out of my nose despite my best attempts to stop it. Rosalie didn't say anything and just sat there calmly and let me cry, and after a few minuted I managed to regain control over my emotions, taking a few deep shuddering breaths in.
"I know you weren't raped, Bella. You fought him off and ran for help. You're not a victim, you're a survivor." Rosalie stressed and I saw her perfectly manicured hand slowly reach across and hold onto mine, I sniffled and nodded my understanding as I curled my hand around hers. "That doesn't change what did happen, though. A man tried to rape you, and he came very close to succeeding. Like it or not, that leaves a person with some trauma."
"I don't wanna have any trauma." I grumbled childishly, still sniffling around my drying tears.
Rosalie barked out a laugh, "Yes well, tough luck." She smirked sweetly.
"I don't understand why I'm freaking out so much." I groused and lowered my eyes to stare at our still intertwined hands. "I fought off those jerks in Port Angeles last year and it didn't even faze me."
Rosalie gave my hand a gentle squeeze before she pulled away, "It was different this time. Like I said, he got close, didn't he?" She implored and I nodded my head sullenly, still staring at the centre console. I had calmed down enough to accept whatever help Rosalie was offering, and apparently I needed to talk this out, but I couldn't do it while looking at her. "What was going through your mind right before you threw Edward out the window?" Rosalie asked gently.
"His hands." I answered immediately without a second thought.
"Edward's hands? What about his hands?" Rosalie encouraged me kindly.
"No," I shook my head in a few short jerky movements, "No, not Edward's… his. Riley's." I risked a quick glance at Rosalie and saw she was sitting there patiently waiting for me to continue. I sucked in an unstable breath and released it slowly as I lowered my eyes again. "I know that it was Edward touching me… I mean I know that on like… an intellectual level?" I glanced up questioningly.
Rosalie nodded in understanding, "Go on." She spurred me on.
I swallowed thickly, "But all I could feel was Riley's hands, not Edwards. They way they grabbed at me, groped me, held me down as he tore at my jeans." My breathing began to speed up again as my heart began to pound loudly in my ears, my vision became fuzzy around the edges as my throat began to sting from the bile steadily rising up my oesophagus.
"Easy, Bella." Rosalie cooed lovingly, "Breathe now. In through your nose- that's it- now out through your mouth- Good." Rosalie coached me gently as I forced myself to follow her instructions.
Slowly, I calmed down and the nausea faded away as my head cleared. "I was really scared, Rose." I whispered, ashamed that I had let myself become so distraught over everything that had happened. "I really thought he was going to rape me, and then kill me. I've never been that afraid for my own life before, not even when I killed James."
"That's understandable, Bella. Riley attacked you while you were alone and unprepared. During the ordeal you were running on pure adrenaline and now your body and mind are catching up with what happened." Rosalie's gentle voice was soothing and helped to calm me further.
"How do I make it stop?" I asked pitifully.
Rosalie thought over her answer for a moment, "At what point did you start to panic? Was it a certain sound, or touch that triggered you?"
I instantly knew and didn't hesitate to answer, "When we were on the daybed and Edward was laying on top of me, his weight it was… suffocating."
"Talk with Edward and together you can avoid any potentially triggering situations. Over time you will find that you will think about it less and less, and eventually you won't be triggered at all." Rosalie replied confidently.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes at Rosalie's suggestion. I was becoming increasingly relaxed in her company, and strangely calm about the topic of conversation. "I can't talk to Edward about this." I shook my head stubbornly. It was one thing to let Edward know what had happened, but I couldn't have an in-depth discussion with him like I was having with Rosalie.
Rosalie easily mirrored my attitude, relaxing back as she tucked her feet under herself on the leather car seat. "And why not?" She challenged with raised eyebrows.
"Because!" I whined in a huff, "Edward, he's… old fashioned. He's always so reluctant to do much more than kiss me. If I told him just how freaked out I was, and told him that it could probably happen again, well… I mean, honestly, I doubt he would ever touch me ever again for fear of upsetting me." I grumbled.
Rosalie scoffed out a laugh, "Yeah, he's kinda a prude. Isn't he?" She teased lightly,
"Yeah," I nodded with a small giggle.
"It's not just his upbringing though, Edward he's… shy." Rosalie shrugged.
"Edward? Shy?" I repeated dubiously.
Rosalie smiled knowingly, "Oh yeah." She nodded emphatically, "You know, the night you guys first kissed… Edward came home is such a state." She chuckled and shook her head fondly at the memory, "If I didn't know any better I would have suggested he had been drugged…" Rosalie paused and gave me a playful smirk, "And then came the total freak out."
I remembered that night clearly, Edward had driven me home from Port Angeles and I had all but thrown myself at him in the small space of his car. "He freaked out?" I asked meekly.
"Oh yeah!" Rosalie nodded earnestly, "Edward had worked himself up into a right tizzy. He had no idea what to do, how to approach you, he was so scared of messing it all up."
"Wow." I breathed and slumped against the passenger seat, "Edward always seems so… sure of himself." I mused.
"He puts on a good show." Rosalie agreed, "The pair of you are more alike than either of you realise. That's why you need to talk to him about this."
"Rose…" I complained,
"Nope. You have no choice. You're doing it. You'll thank me for it later." Rosalie commanded haughtily as she pulled out her cellphone. She quickly typed out a text message and it was sent with a soft ping. "I have told Edward to meet us at the end of the driveway, as long as neither of you start shouting at each other you should have plenty of privacy." Rosalie declared as she started the car.
"What about the ginger?" I asked confusedly. Rosalie smirked and reached over to the glove compartment, she clicked it open and reached inside and pulled out a lump of fresh ginger root. She tossed it onto my lap as she pulled out of the parking space. "Did you… steal Esme's ginger, just so you would have a reason to drag me out of the house for a chat?" I asked incredulously.
"Worked, didn't it?" Rosalie quipped smugly.
I laughed softly and tried not to focus too much on the awkward conversation that was waiting for me. The drive back seemed to fly by much too quickly, and soon Rosalie turned the car down the gravel drive and stopped the car abruptly. Rosalie grabbed the ginger out of my hands and sprang out of the car, I watched as she tossed her keys to Edward and he seemed shocked and confused as he caught them right before she gave him a tight hug. Rosalie glanced over her shoulder at me and gave me a reassuring smile, and then she was gone.
I pulled myself out of the car reluctantly, unwilling to have this conversation but grudgingly admitting to myself that Rosalie was right, it was necessary.
"Bella? What's going on?" He asked cautiously.
"Rosalie and I had a chat… she told me what happened to her before Carlisle changed her." I stared at the ground under my feet and scuffed my toe against the gravel, causing a small puff of dirty dust to cloud around our ankles before it settled down.
I kept my eyes trained on the ground and I heard Edward shuffle closer and his shoes came into my field of vision as he stood in front of me. "Okay…" Edward said uncertainly.
I took a deep breath and tried to find that strange sense of calm relaxation I had felt when talking about this with Rosalie, it was nowhere to be found so instead I stubbornly forced myself to feel more confidence and courage than I actually felt. "We need to talk." I declared boldly, but the air of self assurance was lessened by the fact I still couldn't bring myself to look Edward in the eye.
"Bella, love… please look at me." Edward pleaded softly and I couldn't deny him. I forced myself to raise my head and I saw Edward looking at me lovingly, "What is it that you need to tell me?" He nearly whispered.
"I… I wasn't completely honest with you… earlier." I admitted shamefully. "About what happened." I clarified.
Edward sucked in a startled breath, "Bella, are you saying that you were…" Edward's voice was low and dangerous and I could tell he was trying his best to restrain himself.
"No!" I quickly reassured him, placing a hand on his chest. "No, I wasn't raped. I promise. It's just…" I sighed wearily, "It's just… I may have… downplayed just how much I was affected by everything." I mumbled as I stared resolutely at his chest. I could feel a soft growl rumbling in his chest, so soft that I could barely even hear it.
"Bella, you promised to me honest with me." He murmured disapprovingly.
"That is what I am trying to do!" I snapped indignantly as I pulled my hand away roughly. With an angry huff I looked up at Edward's eyes. "This is really difficult for me, okay? So just… just stand there and let me say what I need to say, alright?" I clenched my jaw and crossed my arms over my chest protectively.
"Alright." Edward agreed passively.
I bit my lip and unclenched my jaw. I could do this. "Riley didn't rape me, but-but he almost did… I mean, he got really close before I-" Edward's soft growling had grown and his lips twitched lightly in an effort to stop himself from snarling dangerously. "P-please, don't." I begged weakly, "This is hard enough without you getting all angry and growly and shit."
Edward pinched the bridge of his nose and took a few deep breaths to calm himself, the growls slowly diminished and he lowered his hand and gave me a soft apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, love. Please, continue."
"He said….said he wanted to have fun." I angrily sneered the word, "Before he killed me. I couldn't move… and I was so scared. I was terrified of what he was going to do it me, he was grabbing at me, touching me…" I breathed in slowly through my nose and released it out my mouth in an effort to remain calm. "He was tearing at my pants and… the panic, the sheer terror of it… Edward you have no idea. I tried to fight back and he held me down… when he tried to bite me that was when I managed to take his head off." I bit my bottom lip and looked at Edward's stern expression, his face was blank but his eyes were on fire. "I didn't want to admit to you… or to myself how scared I was. And then when you were on top of me…" I swallowed thickly and shook my head to clear it, "Rosalie said it was a trigger, she… she said that after something like this being triggered by certain sounds or touches is normal. In fact she's the one who forced me to talk to you, so you can blame her for this conversation." I finished dryly.
Edward's hand lovingly cupped my jaw, his thumb traced along the edge of it, "I think I will thank her instead." He murmured softly.
I scoffed derisively but leaned into his touch. "Rosalie said to talk to you and… tell you what triggered me so that we can avoid it happening again. It's just… I didn't want to say anything because I was scared that if I told you that something like that could happen again that you wouldn't want to touch me anymore." I finished weakly.
"How could you ever think that I wouldn't want you?" Edward breathed, his voice pained.
"No, no not like that." I shook my head with a sigh, "I just mean… you're already so hesitant with the more… intimate parts of our relationship." I offered Edward a bashful smile, "I guess I just didn't want to give you another reason to pull away from me."
Edward shifted his weight slightly and I thought I caught a glimpse of the shy boy Rosalie was telling me about. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so… distant. I was raised in a very different time and…" Edward closed his eyes and strained his head back to face the sky, as if he were silently gathering the courage to continue his sentence, he slowly lowered his head and opened his eyes to look at me. "I've never been with a woman before, and I must admit that I am wary of doing something wrong, of… of hurting you in some way." Edward confessed.
Holy shit, Rosalie was more right than she even realised. I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Edward's neck and pulled him against me into a loving embrace. "Thank you for sharing that with me." I whispered against his clavicle. Edward's arms curled around me, his hands splayed across my back and he pressed me close to him. "I trust you, Edward. Unconditionally." I vowed. "I just… I need to slow things down a little, but I don't want them to stop completely. Ya know?"
Edward pressed a kiss to my forehead and pulled out of the embrace, "I understand completely." He nodded with a soft smile. Edward's soft hands caressed their way down my arms before he grasped each of my hands in his, "I have an idea… a deal of sorts." He mused and studied my face for any reaction, I just stared at him wide-eyed and nodded mutely. Edward smiled reverently, "From now on, the more… physical aspects of our relationship are completely in your hands." He punctuated his sentence with a kiss to the back of each of my hands. "You decide how far and fast we take things, or how slowly. Whatever you are comfortable with, I will follow your lead. I only ask that we wait until we are married before we… have intercourse." When Edward had finished talking his voice had dropped significantly.
I smirked impishly, "You're gonna have to ask me to marry you, first." I teased lightly, my own voice deep with hidden desire.
The air of intimacy around us evaporated like smoke as Charlie's cruiser pulled in behind Rosalie's BMW. I turned around, my hands still gripped in Edward's, to see Charlie leaning out of the open window, his elbow braced on the door, "What are you kids doing blocking the driveway?" He huffed.
"Nothing! Just talking!" I chirped and pulled away from Edward and hurried into the passenger seat of the BMW. Edward joined me in the car a moment later and he drove it down the drive and parked it back in the garage. The Cullen house smelled divine, filled with the aroma of a spicy stir-fry. Edward and I entered the hall at the same time as Charlie and he breathed deeply in appreciation of Esme's cooking.
We wasted no time and headed directly for the dining room just as Esme was coming in with two plates piled high with egg noodles mixed with meat and vegetables. Charlie and I bother murmured our thanks and eagerly dug into our meals. After a few beats of silence Charlie spoke, "So, how was everyone's day?" He asked casually.
Before anyone else could answer, Emmett spoke up. "Bella tossed Edward through a window!" He reported gleefully.
"It was an accident!" I retorted irritably, shooting Emmett a venomous glare from across the table. Emmett simply grinned toothily at me, dimples in his cheeks and his eyes sparkling mischievously he seemed awfully proud at playing the tattletale.
"Wha-… Why did you throw Edward out a window?" Charlie shook his head in bewilderment.
"Like I said! It was an accident, I just… didn't know my own strength." I defended myself weakly.
Emmett laughed loudly, "I only wish I was home to see it!" He crowed.
Rosalie laughed loudly, the sound light and airy. "It was something," She tittered charmingly, causing everyone to turn and pay attention. "I couldn't believe it," She shook her head softly with another chuckle, "There I was, sitting in the living room watching the new David Attenborough documentary with Carlisle when all of a sudden, there was an awful crashing noise and I watched in complete surprise as Edward came soaring down from the second floor. He landed flat on his back, and his face!" Rosalie exclaimed with another laugh, and this time the others joined in, offering their own little chuckles as Rosalie recounted the event. "Oh god, he was so shocked! He just lay there surrounded by broken glass, unable to form a single coherent thought, like a baby deer caught in the headlights." The table erupted into a fit of laughter and as the family slowly tried to collect themselves from their shared hysteria Rosalie's cunning eyes met mine.
Thank you. I mouthed wordlessly to her, I was so grateful that she had distracted everyone from wanting me to explain my actions in depth. Rosalie simply smirked knowingly and offered me a conspiratorial wink.
Charlie shook his head mirthfully as he settled down and resumed eating, "So, I've given some thought as to our Seattle situation." He eventually said, his tone turned gravely serious as he spoke.
"Pray tell." Carlisle urged soberly.
"I would like for Jasper and I to go to Seattle tomorrow evening, just for some scout and recon." Charlie turned his serious expression to Jasper, "I recall you saying something about having fought in a war?" Charlie edged as his eyes flickered down Jasper's scarred arms.
Jasper drew himself up, seeming to preen under the recognition. "Yes, sir. I fought in the Southern Vampire wars for many decades." He reported dutifully.
I watched as Charlie nodded thoughtfully, eating a few mouthfuls of food before responding. "Yes, well I doubt we will be getting into any trouble. As I said, just some recon. I want to confirm the existence of a nest, and if there is a nest, how many vampires there are and how the hell they know anything about my daughter." Charlie grumbled sourly.
"I want to come with you." I demanded impetuously.
"Absolutely not." Charlie barked harshly.
"Dad, I-" I began to complain and plead my case but was cut off my Charlie slamming his hand down against the wooden table. The loud and sudden noise made me jump in fright and cut my words off harshly.
"I said no, Bella." Charlie growled dangerously. Effectively cowed I quietly ate the rest of my dinner as Charlie hammered out the finer details with Jasper. I knew better than to pick a fight with Charlie in public, but the minute we were alone I was going to demand answers. It was me who was attacked, and I deserved to go with them to find the nest. Charlie had to know by now that I wasn't incapable of protecting myself. If Charlie wasn't going to let me go with them, then the least he could do was tell me why.