"I can't believe it's already time for you to go," Naomi looked sadly at the Sangheili Pilgrim, as the Phantom dropship sent to recover him hovered above the Farmstead.
"A week is a short time, for any people." Rtas nodded in response. "But I must return to the fleet. My own people are beginning to miss me, I suspect. And there is still work to be done, hunting down the slippery, mongrel Prophets. I vowed I would not rest until they paid in blood for every human life they've taken." He turned his head, gazing upon the mountain range. "I may return here, some day. But even if I do not, I will remember this time." He bowed slightly. "Though you all were not what I expected of living gods, you have been great friends."
"Goodbye, half-jaw." Arthur told him, "It's been fun."
Rtas nodded in agreement, stepping back. The grav lift surrounded him, and pulled him up into the Phantom. The alien aircraft buzzed, before hovering higher and flying away, returning the Sangheili to the stars.
From her window in the bunk rooms, Kelly watched the ship retreat, thinking about something.
Rtas had known Kelly had the hots for Fred, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He'd also assumed that Fred returned her feelings.
Since the alien was right about her… did that mean he was right about Fred?
Could be… could be.
Pacing around, Kelly thought to herself. Okay, the way she saw it, she had two options. Option one was pretend like it didn't happen, keep up this little song and dance routine they had going for a while now, and wait for Fred to move first since she was too damn scared-
Or option two, talk to Fred about it like somewhat mature people. But where could she talk about it on the Farmstead without someone overhearing? Everybody else was just so… nosey. There wasn't a single square inch of the place that was spy-proof, even Halsey's lab had been snuck into by Serin.
So, she and Fred needed to get off the Farmstead to talk about this. But, hmm… it'd be awfully weird if she just asked him to go into the woods for no reason. That was a leadup to murder, not a heart-to-heart. So she needed an excuse. Fred liked the 20th and 21st centuries, and there was a retro restaurant in New Alexandria…
Nodding to herself, pleased that she came up with a plan, Kelly turned to walk, heading for the building she was sure Fred would be inside.
…oblivious to the fact that she was about to ask him on a frigging date.
Now, we here at the UNSC Office of Natural Assessment would like to introduce you to what we call the 'Human Adolescent Awkward Mating Ritual,' AKA HAAMR.
Observe, as the female enters the male's domain. She is anxious, flighty, ready to drop her attempts and run at the first sign of rejection, yet ready to stand her ground and fight should any rivals come to challenge her. An interesting paradox to be sure, but normal for those who fear rejection or ruining something that they already perceive as perfect.
"Oh, hey Kelly, what's up?" The male notices her entry as he works on his assemblage of metal parts and panels. It something that some females would take note of in their assessments of choosing the male as a potential mate. For the male, though, it is as much his child as it is a machine, a tapestry of carefully-moving parts that he's laboriously toiled over to nurture into greatness. It is also a mode of transport, seeing as humans cannot move faster than fifteen miles per hour on foot.
"Listen, can we talk?" Ah, the female has initiated the approach, but still elects to remain at a distance. You'll note the markers of an increased flight-or-fight response, notably dilated pupils, a slight sheen of sweat, and an increased heart rate.
The male, assuming he has done something to earn the female's ire, initiates his own fear response. "Huh? What did I do? If this is about the-"
"You didn't do anything." The female, seeing the male's flightiness and desire to escape conflict, quickly confirms that there is no conflict. "I was just wondering… you know, there's this café or whatever in New Alexandria. 20th century-themed. I kind of want something different to eat tonight, other than the frozen dinners and noodles we get here." Notice how the female baits the male. She entices him with something she knows he would want, but not anything too forward. She then offers a spatial and temporal coordinate, and a convincing argument that resonates with the male's desires as well.
"Yeah," The male nods in agreement, "That's a good idea. I've gotten tired of eating ramen noodles with hot sauce in them. Just grab me whenever you wanna go, I guess." And thus, the male has succumbed to the female's proposition.
"All right then," The female smiles as she recognizes her own success, "I'll do that." She turns to exit, leaving the male alone in his nest.
When the door shuts, the male lets go of his cool composure.
"Oh fuck me." The male screeches, as he begins to fret. "Did she just ask- No, that's impossible." He assumes the female is being nice, indulging his own fears of rejection so that, in the event it does come, he is not let down. However, his desire to please the female wins over. "I'm gonna need clothes… and a shower… and money…"
As the male begins to prepare for the ritual proper, he realizes he must requisition help from other, more experienced males.
"She asked you on a date!?" Sam gasped in shock as Fred gave them the lowdown on what happened.
"She asked me on a date!" Fred confirmed, quickly nodding.
"She did not ask you on a date." John shook his head.
"You asked him on a date!" Cortana gestured around frantically.
"I didn't ask him on a date, I asked him to dinner, where I'm going to talk to him about our-" Kelly stopped, cutting herself off as her eyes widened. "I asked him on a date…"
"You asked him on a date." Linda nodded.
Kelly blinked, breathing for a moment…
Before she began to scream. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Fred screamed.
"Fred!" John hollered, trying to get the volume under control. "Calm down, man!"
"She asked me on a date," Fred rubbed his head, like he was having heatstroke or something, "She asked me on a date. Kelly asked me… on a date."
"Hip hip!" Will began, raising his arms.
"No, god damn it!" Fred cursed.
"What's wrong?" John asked, "Scared?"
"Terrified, man!" Fred replied. "I mean, we've always teased each other, but… shit, it's like you and Linda! I never…" He hyperventilated, bracing against a wall. "Jesus…"
"Fred, Fred." John was over at him in an instant, helping. "Take deep, calming breaths. Relax. It's not the end of the world."
"It isn't." Fred slowly shook his head even though he was seemingly agreeing. "But it's… Jesus, dude, it's Kelly."
John frowned, feeling a spike of what everyone called the 'Big Brother Spartan Instinct.'
"You've got something against Kelly?"
"What? No." Fred denied, looking away. "Hell no, she's… Well, you know what I mean. She's smart… beautiful… kind… tough, fast, and funny…" He looked down, shaking his head. "Everything that deserves a better man than me."
For the first time in a while, John's unflappable exterior really broke, and he snorted. "You can't really believe that. We're all smart, strong, fast, and tough. You're funny-well, you think you're funny in any event-and we're all nice to a point. Really, the only thing you describe as being out of your league is the part where she's beautiful, and that's a subjective term anyway."
"Dammit man," Fred cursed, "Why can't you let me wallow in my own inadequacy?"
"If it's an inadequacy you have reason to wallow in, maybe, but you're freaking out because she wants to… what, get closer to a friend?" John raised an eyebrow.
"She wants to get closer to me!" Fred stressed. "Me, John! I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know the first thing about wooing girls! It wasn't covered in our training! Do you hear me!? It! Wasn't! Covered! What am I going to do!?"
John, finally sick of hearing Fred lose his mind, shoved his friend into a nearby seat. "Sit down. Shut up. Relax. I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to make yourself look presentable, no military clothes, no work clothes, something without tears or stains and something that doesn't clash. Then, you're going to get a nice bouquet of flowers to give her, red and yellow roses to be precise. The yellow's important because it lets her know you see her as a friend, but the red is also important because it lets her know you might be interested in something more. After that, you're going to take Kelly up on her offer to go to the Millennium Café, eat slow enough so you don't make a mess, and be courteous to her. If she talks to you about feelings, just listen, don't joke. And if everything is going right…" He put a hand on Fred's shoulders. "Then you might have a girlfriend."
Everyone blinked, staring at John in shock.
"…how do you know all that?" Fred wondered.
"Oh!" Mike snapped his fingers, grinning. "He knows cause he's done research! I knew you had it down bad for Cortana!"
"Mike," John addressed, "This is about Fred, not me."
Mike held up a finger, before letting it drop. "Ah. Right."
"Men," John began, pacing around, "Today… we begin a battle we weren't trained for. A fellow Spartan needs our help. Are we just going to stand here, laughing at him while he struggles to get through a difficult situation? Are we going to let him make catastrophic mistakes that could wind up burning bridges with those he loves?"
"Sir, no sir!" The other Spartan boys in the room with them chorused in response.
John nodded. "Here's what we're going to do: We're going to help Fred! We're going to turn him into the best specimen of himself, fit to go on that date with Kelly! And we're going to help him succeed!" He pounded his fist into his palm. "Mike, Jerome, Douglas!" He addressed, looking to them. "Get into town and get the flower bouquet, on the double!"
"Sir, yes sir!"
John turned, "Sam, Will, and Jorge. I want you three to find suitable clothing for Fred."
Will blinked. "Wouldn't dress blues-"
"You don't overdress compared to your date," John explained, "It makes the date feel embarrassed, or worse, like you're attempting to one-up them. Find something casual, but not raggedy."
"Consider it done."
"Fred." John turned to him, "You're going to clean yourself up. Comb your hair, get a shower, the standard procedure for attending public functions. With any luck…" He nodded slowly, thinking. "This operation will be a success."
"And if it works," Mike began, as he, Jerome, and Douglas got ready to depart, "We can do the same for John down the line!"
"Screw you, Mike."