"So… Ralph and Serin are apparently a thing," Cortana muttered to herself, pacing around, "Fred and Kelly have got together, go them. Sam and Linda seem to be gravitating toward each other. And I? I am utterly alone." She scowled to herself. "I mean, how is that possible? I'm smart, funny, pretty… I'm a science-making badass!"
"It's because everybody knows you have a thing for John." Mike, leaning nearby with a cup of coffee, shrugged.
"Well…" Cortana clanked around self-consciously. "Maybe. Why don't you go be stupid somewhere else, huh? Leave me to my woes in peace."
"Fine." Mike shrugged, continuing on. "Spend Valentine's Day alone and pacing around the room like a schizophrenic, see what I care."
"Valentine's day." Cortana stopped, glancing around. "There's no way I-" She spotted a calendar confirming, while today was not the day of Saint Valentine, it was indeed coming up. "How did I miss that?"
"What's up?" Serin walked past. "Beating yourself up due to lack of date?"
"Go to hell, Serin." Cortana snarled without a beat, frowning to herself. "Valentine's day, Valentine's day… everyone's going to be pairing off, and I'm going to be the odd one out, since there are an even number of us. Fuck, even Catherine has Car Keyes, and I'm here, forever alone." She sighed, blinking. "Wait a minute… I have a best friend!" She realized with a funny expression on her face. "I don't need to find someone else, John would be perfect!" She frowned, muttering. "How to ask him, though… and how to make sure he'd say yes?"
She walked over to the window at the end of the hallway, looking out at Fred and Kelly dancing to some ridiculous song…. Before she got an idea.
"People like food." Cortana reasoned quietly, since that was the first date Kelly and Fred had gone on together. "And John is people…"
That was it. All she had to do was butter John up with the most delectable, palatable food she could make. Problem though:
She didn't know how to cook in practice. Or what kind of food John liked. It would be a shot in the dark trying to make him something.
Cortana blinked, thinking, thinking, thinking… before she got another idea.
Running down to the lab, she set to work.
"So," Sam began, helping John spread feed in the pens again, "Jim John Johnny Boy," He tossed a handful into the Moa pen, glancing at John, "You've got plans for Valentine's Day?"
"Plans?" John frowned, "Why would I have plans?"
"Everybody's got plans." Sam shrugged in response. "Fred and Kelly, Arthur and Solomon apparently are gonna go do something together, Will and Mike are… well, you know them, and Linda's even asked me if I'd like to go camping with her."
John snorted. "Camping? On our own property?'
"It's big enough for it." Sam shrugged. "We could head out into the woods, not be interrupted by the likes of you, just us and the stars overhead…"
"Hm. Sounds nice enough, I suppose." John shrugged.
"Exactly." Fred nodded in agreement. "Which is why I'm wondering if you've got plans, maybe with a certain Doctor's kid…"
John stopped what he was doing for just a second, before going on, shrugging again. "I suppose it's not out of the question, but I doubt she really thinks of me like that."
"Come on, man." Sam tilted his head, disbelieving. "You're gonna pull that card, after all the shit we did to convince Fred and Kelly that it was bull?"
"I'm serious." John replied. "I'm her best friend. To take advantage of that would be a betrayal of her trust."
"Heh," Sam chuckled, "You perfect gentleman, you… But seriously, man, it's just Valentine's Day. You don't even need to ask her on a date or anything, just give her, like, a piece of candy or something."
"If you ask me, this whole holiday is bunk anyway." John shrugged. "But… all right, I suppose."
"Good man!" Sam complimented with a smile, turning back to the animals with a grimace. "And… shower first."
John looked down at himself, at the grime stuck to him from his chores. "Right."
Cortana idly whistled to herself as she worked in Halsey's lab, forging a chemical compound to suit her needs.
A song was playing in the background, apt, if a little too on the nose for her tastes. The chemical she was making was nothing more than a seasoning, designed to trigger the taste receptors in the tongue responsible for sending pleasurable feelings, not a 'love potion.'
She'd never do that, well, not to John, at least.
"Okay, test number one…" Cortana put a droplet of the compound on a bit of chocolate, taking a bite out of it. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as her breathing sped up, and she braced herself on the table. "Okay! Too strong, now we know that." She shook away the sensation, a headache hammering at her head as her vision cleared. "All right, going for iteration two…"
"This is freaking unbearable." Fred groaned, looking at John working in the distance, clueless. "Like, seriously, even I wasn't this clueless."
Kelly shrugged with a slight smile. "You were pretty damn clueless."
"Well, yeah, but not on this level." He muttered, watching as Cortana walked over to one of the storehouses for a chemical, coming back. They could see, watching as John turned to look, gazing at Cortana like she was the only one who mattered, before she vanished and he promptly went back to work. "Look at him. It's obvious he's got a crush on her."
Kelly nodded in agreement, with crossed arms. "So obvious."
Fred turned to her, smiling. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Help them out like they did us?" She asked in response.
Fred nodded, opening his mouth-
"You guys have already been beaten to the punch on that account, I'm afraid." Sam sat down on the top of the fence behind them. "Linda and I have been trying." He shook his head sadly, gesturing to the redhead. "Poor, blind fools, the both of them."
Linda snorted. "Nothing short of an apocalypse is probably going to-" She inhaled, getting an idea.
"Oh… Oh, I don't like that face at all." Kelly muttered.
"Get everyone together!" Linda ordered, shooting to her feet. "Everyone except John and Cortana. I've got a plan…"
Cortana yawned, the sound of the alarm ringing around the room like a bell. She groaned, rolling over. "Shut it off!" She yelled to someone else. It was a weekend, dammit, and they didn't need to do that farming crap anymore, so why was the alarm set?
The device continued beeping, and Cortana put her hands over her ears. "Guys, come on!"
The alarm did not stop.
The clone of Halsey grimaced, getting to her feet, and she saw the reason why.
All of the beds in the room, every last one, was empty. Empty and disheveled, not having been made. Like everyone had just disappeared in the middle of the night.
Cortana heard the beeping, and knew what had to be done. First, she ripped the alarm clock's plug out of the socket. Then, she turned her attention to the rest of the room. Everyone's shoes were in-place… and their pajamas were laying in their beds, sleeves bent slightly, like they'd vanished out of their clothes.
"What the… fuck?" Cortana blankly muttered, looking around.
A knock came at the door, and she spun around. She let out a sigh, stomping over. "All right, whoever's idea this was-" She jerked it open, seeing John. For a moment, her racing heart calmed. He usually had that effect. "John. What's up?"
His eyes glanced at the room. "I could ask you the same thing."
"A prank, probably." Cortana flippantly waved as he walked in, looking at the abandoned articles.
"Here too…" John frowned.
Cortana blinked, straightening up. "Whaddya mean 'here too?'"
He turned around to face her. "I'm saying I woke up this morning, and everyone was gone. Clothes in the bed, everything left unmade… concerning."
Cortana scoffed, shaking her head. "It's probably just a prank, John." She said, privately not believing a word out of her own mouth. The Spartans weren't chatty to those outside their group, but inside their group, they were a bunch of chatty old ladies.
John, also, knew as much. "Ralph can't tell a lie to save his life." He replied, "If they were planning a mass vanishing prank, one of them would've let it slip, especially him." He was, of course, ignorant about the lie Ralph was already telling on Serin's order. Bless him, naïve soul.
"Well…" Cortana shrugged slowly. "They have to have left some evidence of where they were going, right?"
"We can talk to Halsey," John turned, moving to the exit, "She might know something."
"She and Mister Car Keyes are visiting that conference in New Alexandria, remember?" Cortana replied, shaking her head.
John sighed as well, rubbing his face. "It was only supposed to be for a few hours, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, well, I bet she and Keyes got a bit occupied trying to unlock her door if you know what I mean."
John's hand shot out, putting it over her mouth. "She's your mother. Don't speak about her like that."
Cortana's eyes glanced at his hand, before her eyes sparkled with mischief. John could barely jerk his arm away before he felt her lick his palm.
"There, bet that'll teach you not to go putting hands over other people's mouths." Cortana muttered victoriously, looking around. "So… should we go look?"
John nodded. "We should be able to find something fairly soon." He said, leading the way out.
They did not, however, find anything to give them clues on where the Spartans had gone.
Everyone's belongings were inside, there were no tracks in the farmstead, and to top it all off, Fred's car was still in the garage.
Fred would die faster than he parted with that car.
"You don't think ONI came and took everyone, do you?" Cortana worriedly asked of John.
John shrugged, "It's a possibility, but I don't think so. We're still enlisted, technically. If they wanted us back, they could just order us to return."
"But there has to be an explanation…" Cortana muttered with a frown.
"Maybe there is." John granted. "But I think it's likely they're just pulling one over on us."
Cortana scowled. "Yeah? Well, we'll show them!"
John tilted his head. "How so?"
"They wanna make us worried, drive us insane trying to solve the mystery of their disappearance?" Cortana asked in response. "Fuck that! We're going to not do that, and when they come back, we'll get the last laugh by being utterly unconcerned. They'll make themselves all look like idiots…"
"Idiots is a bit harsh," John rumbled with a slight smile.
"Come on, John." Cortana directed to him, sufferingly. "Don't you like winning?"
That seemed to flip a switch in the Spartan's head. He nodded, getting serious.
"Then let's go show them how utterly unconcerned we are." Cortana, seemingly not realizing due to the sheer determination she had to try and get the last laugh, took hold of John's hand. "We could watch a movie, order a pizza, and while we're living it up, they're chuckling like idiots wherever the hell they are."
John blankly nodded in agreement, the object of his focus being the feeling of her soft skin in his hands, even as she led him to the rec room.
Hours passed, and the two sat, watching old movies from Fred's collection, munching on junk food and making fun of the aspects that didn't age well.
Midway through, Cortana yawned, leaning against John. "This is fun. We should do this more often. Just… relaxing."
John blinked, slowly nodding in agreement. "Yeah." He rumbled, blinking. "Huh." The Spartan hummed as he saw the digital calendar. "Today was Valentine's day."
Cortana stiffened for a moment, before relaxing. "Well, I can think of worser ways to spend it than eating junk food with my best friend."
John's lips twitched as he nodded in agreement. "Yeah."
Distant eyes watched the two through a scope of an unloaded sniper rifle, the Spartans crowding around Linda from their perch on the distant hill.
"Guys…" Linda spoke up. "I think we did it."
The other seventy-three Spartans erupted into cheers, high-fiving each other.
"I've gotta tell you," Fred flopped down next to her. "I wasn't sure the whole 'disappear in a fake Rapture' thing was gonna work."
Linda shrugged with a smile. "What can I say? It's a classic."
"I'm just surprised everyone's cool with sacrificing their Valentine's day plans so John and Cortana can have their perfect one." Kelly looked around in bemusement.
"Well," Sam kicked his feet up, "There're worse ways to spend the day then helping two friends."
Everyone nodded, murmuring in agreement.
"Now," Linda looked down at her bare feet with a grimace, "To get back home without shoes…"