Chapter 24 – This Isn't Goodbye
Summertime quickly passed, and with that came everyone else's preparations for starting college. I had mixed feelings about it because I wouldn't be going. I was happy for all my siblings and friends who would be starting classes soon, though. The hardest one to remain cheerful about was Edward. He would be leaving us, and we wouldn't likely see him again until Thanksgiving. I tried very hard not to think about that.
By mid-August, Esme and Carlisle had finally gotten back in their own home and were contentedly enjoying new parenthood. They were doing much better and were taking care of their babies now, mostly by themselves, with a little help occasionally from me and Helene. They had hired her on for a while, since Esme still needed a bit of physical therapy and was still working on fully recovering her strength. She had come a long way, though, and was walking almost completely without any wobble, as was Carlisle. He'd decided to take an extended leave of absence from his practice to just spend time enjoying his family and being with Esme, which I could fully understand. Having come so close to losing them had been very hard on him.
I was so grateful for Helene and Gerald. They had moved here and had immediately become family. I had been fully prepared to care for Esme, Carlisle and their babies by myself, but Helene had lifted most of that responsibility from my shoulders. It was a good thing, too, because I had my hands full with Esryl and Ethan.
We had been trying to get Esryl comfortable with going back to preschool, but she didn't seem to be ready yet. Of course, she was still tiny to the extreme, so the other children towered over her and dwarfed her in size. It didn't used to bother her, but I would guess with everything that had happened, she was still adjusting, and now she seemed to be frightened of the bigger kids, as well as strangers. Every time I got out of her line of sight or tried to drop her off at preschool, she would have a total meltdown. She had become completely un-potty trained, so I just gave up on preschool and kept her home for now. She had begun asking more questions about mom and Elliott and had started wandering the house looking for them, saying that Jesus needed to let them come home, which worried me. I knew she missed them terribly. We all did.
"Hey, Bella, you in here?" I heard from the side door before Peter stepped into the house.
"Hey, Pete, I'm in the kitchen!" I laughed out loud when he came into view. He was holding a pink Barbie umbrella, no doubt a loaner from Chelsea's childhood stash of embarrassingly girly things, but Peter was awesomely goofy enough to carry it with pride.
"Mom sent me in to get your shopping list. She said she knows how hard it is to go to the store with two babies in tow," he grinned.
"She's got that right. Hold on a second, and I'll grab my list and my card."
Peter had closed the umbrella and was doing an impression of a soft-shoe dance with a cane, making me laugh, as I dug my card out of my wallet. He looked a lot like Jasper and their dad…tall, tanned, blue-eyed, with gorgeous blond curls, a gleamingly white, perfect smile, and broad shoulders. He was also very sweet and good-natured, just like his mother. Not to mention his personality was totally adorable. He would have been heading to college this year as well, but his September 1st birthday hadn't beaten the August 31st cutoff for school, and it had delayed him starting school on time, just like my September 3rd one had for me. On top of that, he'd gotten held back a year in kindergarten because he'd struggled with dyslexia early on. It made it even worse for him now because he would be two years older than a lot of his high school senior classmates.
I shook my head, giggling at his antics. "Here's my short list of the stuff I just need today, and tell your mom thank you. I would've already gone, but everyone is out shopping for new clothes and supplies for their classes, and I'm still waiting for them to get back. I'm sure Alice and Rose are dragging them to every retail establishment in the city right now."
"I'm sure you're right," he grinned, taking a deep bow, and I clapped at his silly, impromptu performance. "Chelsea dragged me and mom all over the place yesterday doing the same thing. Why do girls need so much new crap all the time?" he asked, scratching his head.
"I don't know, we just do, so get used to it," I teased, poking him in the ribs. He jumped and squealed like a little girl.
"Ooh, you'll pay for that. If mom wasn't waiting out at the curb just now, I'd get you good," he threatened, a spark of mischief shining in his eyes. He looked down at my list and then back up at me, smirking wickedly. "You know, you're going to have to help me with my guitar lessons now, right? It's only fair, since I'm buying you feminine products. I'm taking that class you told me about, Performing Arts. Mr. Anderson seemed cool when I interviewed with him, but when I mentioned you were my friend and neighbor, he got a little uptight. What's the story there?"
"It's nothing for you to worry about, now get going," I sassed, shoving him out the door. I didn't want to hear anything about Mr. Anderson or why he would be uptight at the mention of my name. I waved to Helene, and she waved back, shaking her head at her son, who was dancing down the walkway towards their car. He was so funny, and we'd all grown very close to him and Chelsea over the summer. I was so glad they had come. It would help take the sting out of Edward leaving, or at least I hoped it would.
The day I had been dreading had finally arrived. Edward and I had talked about me possibly going with him and getting an apartment in the family complex, but all that housing had already been filled. Because Esryl was still struggling, I had started her with a child psychologist to help her learn to cope with the changes. So, uprooting her from her familiar surroundings and hauling her and Ethan across the country just wasn't feasible right now, and with Carlisle and Esme still not fully recovered as well, I felt like I needed to stay in Portland.
Everyone else had already started classes, and they were all gone for the day when Edward and I pulled out of the driveway, heading for the airport. They had said their goodbyes to him last night at a small going away dinner we'd had for him.
We stopped down the street to drop Esryl and Ethan off to Esme and Carlisle, and both kids were a crying mess, as Edward hugged and kissed them goodbye. It was obvious they could tell something was amiss, and it was affecting them hard.
"Don't cry, guys, I'll be back to see you soon," he tried to placate them, but Esryl wouldn't let go of his leg. I knew how she felt. Ethan was eight months old now and very big for his age, just like Emmett had apparently been. He was smart like his brothers, too, and seeing Esryl crying and clinging to Edward had him doing the same. I think he knew Edward was going away and wouldn't be back for a long time. A troublesome thought occurred to me, and I feared what this was going to do to them, having another family member suddenly gone.
"Da?" Ethan whimpered, which about made me cry. His big, worried hazel eyes were red-rimmed, and fat tears rolled down his chubby little cheeks, as he clutched his curls in both fists. The sight was positively heartbreaking.
"I love you, buddy," Edward whispered and kissed Ethan's cheek before quickly handing him to Carlisle. He picked up Esryl and did the same, handing her to Esme. He then turned and practically ran out of the house. I couldn't help the tears that finally fell down my own cheeks.
Esme wrapped her free arm around me. "It'll be alright, Bella. We're here, as are your other siblings and Jasper's family. You're not alone, sweetheart."
"I know," I muttered. I might as well have been alone, though. Without Edward here, things were going to be hard, not to mention very lonely.
Edward was wiping his face when I slipped into the driver's seat. "Are you going to be okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, it's just hard leaving them, and you. I guess it's just really hitting me now that I won't be waking up with you guys every morning."
We had pretty much slept together ever since our parents' accident, and although nothing physical had happened between us, it didn't mean we hadn't wanted to. However, we both had made "worth the wait" promises, so we had done just that, though it hadn't been easy.
"I know what you mean. I guess I'm going to have to keep letting both kids and Honey sleep with me to make up for your absence," I tried to lighten the mood, but it fell kind of flat.
"Bella, I lo…" Edward started, but then he fell silent, staring out the window, as we made our way to the airport. It sounded like he was about to say he loved me, and I so longed to hear it. I loved him, too, but saying it now would make this goodbye so much harder.
We pulled up to the departures area, and I started to get out, but Edward's hand on mine held me in place. "It'll be too hard if you come in with me. Just…if you need me, call me. I'll be on the first plane back," he said and kissed my temple, whispering, "This is not goodbye, just see you soon. I lo…um, I'm looking forward to the holidays. I'll miss you, Bella," he said quickly before he hopped out of the car and grabbed his suitcase from the backseat. He was staying in the dorms and would buy whatever he needed when he got there, so he only had a carry-on with some essentials and his laptop. He didn't even look back before he walked into the terminal, leaving me sitting there staring after him.
"I love you, too, Edward."
Life around the house settled into a new routine without Edward, albeit a harder one for me. We didn't live all that far from PSU or the Art Institute, so no one had to live in the dorms, an experience with which they were all fine forgoing. However, even though they would all be around, I didn't expect I'd get much help, given how busy I knew they all were going to be in college.
My nineteenth birthday came and went, as did my siblings' birthdays, but none of us particularly cared. We had slowly been adjusting to life without our parents, but I couldn't imagine holidays and birthdays ever having the same joy again. We tried, for the sake of Esryl and Ethan, but it was difficult.
As the fall weather turned cooler, things between my siblings heated up. Alice decided she wanted to be with Jasper fulltime and moved in with him and Rose. Of course, with their amorous activities ramping up and becoming louder, Rose decided she didn't want to hear it and moved in with us to be with Emmett. They were both very busy with classes during the day, so I really only saw them at night. They had always been a little bit loud in the bedroom, but now, with no parents around to say anything about it, they weren't holding back at all. I didn't particularly want to hear their amorous activities either, so I gave them my bigger bedroom and moved my stuff into our parents' empty master suite on the other side of the house. I put Ethan's crib in the room with me, and I turned mom's old office that adjoined the bedroom into Esryl's room. The kids certainly didn't need to hear their bedroom escapades.
I was at home alone most days with Esryl and Ethan all day unless I was over at Carlisle and Esme's. Playdates and park outings were the only things that kept me from missing Edward desperately during the day, but in the evenings, once the kids were in bed, the loneliness I felt was becoming increasingly harder to bear.
Fall in New York had come really early this year, so when I did get to talk to Edward over Skype, he would show me the changing leaves outside his dorm window. He would tell me about the new friends he was making, but that he missed me, and I would do the same. I sent him regular videos of the kids, which he seemed to enjoy at first. However, the phone calls from him soon became increasingly irregular, and sometimes, when I would call and leave a message, ping him to Skype, or text him, it would frequently go unacknowledged. I knew he was extremely busy, having taken a full course load, so I tried not to worry.
Eventually, I started not to hear from him for days at a time and then weeks, and I couldn't help but feel like he was slipping away from me. All the SHAGNICs were either off at universities now or going to community college nearby, too, so I didn't have any of them around anymore to hang out with, either. I was beginning to feel isolated and left behind, and some days, I couldn't help but sit and cry at my predicament. But when Esryl or Ethan would smile at me or call me mommy, it reminded me of what was most important right now, and it would snap me out of the dark place where my mind would wander.
One of the brightest spots in my darkening world these days was Peter.
He had rapidly become an indispensable friend to me. He didn't mind dirty diapers or baby drool, and he and Ethan were now buddies. My little brother was developing way ahead of schedule, and he was crawling and pulling himself up all over the place. The day after Halloween, Ethan stood on his own and walked for the first time.
"Grab your phone and hit the video camera, I think he's about to walk!" Peter called to me, and I did just that, capturing video of Ethan pulling up and taking his first steps. I had promised Edward I would record Ethan's first steps for him, so he didn't feel like he was missing it. Peter knelt and held out his arms, and Ethan toddled into them, flashing his six-toothed grin that made everyone fall in love with him. Esryl was jumping up and down beside him, cheering him on. Her speech had improved a lot over the past few months, since I'd been working with her on it. She still wasn't going to preschool, so I'd picked up some books on how to teach children her age, and she was doing wonderfully. Working with her helped fill the time I would have spent with Edward, and by doing something productive, it kept my mind away from New York.
"Da-Dee!" Ethan squealed, patting Peter's cheeks, hamming it up for the camera. Peter and I looked at each other, and he smiled widely at me. I was still recording, and Peter winked.
"You can call me daddy, buddy. I kind of like it," Peter said, kissing Ethan's forehead. Ethan returned the favor, planting a wet baby kiss on Peter's cheek. "We're going to have to work on your kissing technique, though. Maybe mommy and I can show you how it's done."
I almost dropped my phone, as I turned off the recording. Peter was grinning at me mischievously. "What's the matter, Bella?"
"There'll be no 'technique demonstrations' with you, Mr. Whitlock."
He howled in laughter, making Ethan laugh as well. "Ah, Bella, life is short. You never know what kind of lessons there are to be learned or where they could lead." I shot him the stink eye, and he laughed at me again.
I took Ethan to change him and got the kids a snack, and when I came back into the living room, Peter had my phone, grinning like the Cheshire cat.
"What are you doing?" I asked, worried about that look on his face.
"Just sending the latest video to Edward, since I know he looks forward to getting them. Little man walking for the first time is a definite must-see." I groaned, dreading what Edward was going to think about that video. "So, have you heard from your brother lately?" Peter asked, handing me back my phone. Hearing Peter call Edward my "brother" deflated my mood a little more.
"No, I haven't. Last I heard, he was being dragged to a Halloween party at a frat house by some friends he's made there, so I guess he's busy. Finals are coming up, though, so I'm sure he's studying hard."
"Yeah, I'm sure," Peter nodded, but he didn't look convinced.
Edward was coming home for Thanksgiving, or at least I'd thought he was, until I received a phone call the day before he was due to fly home. When I saw it was him, I answered quickly, so happy to finally hear from him. I was sure he was calling to tell us his flight info.
"Hey, Edward, I can't wait to see you! I'll be at the airport-" I started, but he cut me off.
"Hold on, Bella. I was just calling to say I'm not going to be able to make it home. I've got a huge group project my jackass biology prof assigned that's due the first week of December, so I'm going to have to stay here to work on it. I'm sorry, but I can't come home for Thanksgiving." He sounded detached and not at all like the warm and loving Edward I'd come to know. In fact, he sounded very much like the Edward who used to hate me.
"I-I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you, Edward. I was looking forward to having you home. I miss you so much."
"Yeah, I'm sure you do," he scoffed, and the sound went straight to my heart like a dagger. I twisted the diamond and sapphire ring he'd given me on my finger that I never took off, wondering what was happening with him.
"Yes, I do, so much it hurts. What are you going to do for Thanksgiving, then?" I asked, while trying not to cry.
"A friend in my biology class gave an invite to come down to their family's house in Syracuse for dinner. It's only a couple of hours away, and they're eating early, so we should be able to get back and work on the project for the rest of the weekend."
"Who is it? Is it one of the people you've sent pictures of?" I asked, trying to remember the faces of some of the people he had taken pictures with.
"No, but, um, you kind of know them. They actually used to go to school with us," he stammered, sounding nervous now.
"Who is it, Edward?" I asked again, my heart sinking, because I suddenly remembered someone I might know whose family had moved to Syracuse.
"Tanya Denali."