...
Fuck everything right now. Fuck the trees, fuck the hills, fuck this particular strand of grass- Fuck that arrogant ass comet in the sky.
Fuck it all to the seven hells.
One. I have no fucking idea where I am. I've been walking for days, almost starved like three times, and very likely may have poisoned myself by drinking spring water and eating damn near raw uppity fucking rabbits.
It took me like five hours to get a fire out of those fucking sticks.
Two. Damn near everything I worked my ass off to steal, copyright, and learn has literally been taken away from me because of some bullshit 'balance' update I was forced to take before I fell into this shithole of a universe. Like seriously, it had to be one if magic didn't seem to fucking exist.
Three.
...Yeah, I got nothing. I sighed as I stared up at the sky, my back on the grass as I contemplated my new world.
I ignored the sound of steps running towards me, hopeful they'd just ignore the clearly deranged looking fucker before 'em.
I wasn't keen on interacting with anyone right-
The sound of those steps promptly stopped, a few feet away from me.
Letting out another sigh, I idly lowered my gaze and found myself staring at a bemused, dumb as a rock looking, wolf.
I waited a single beat, contemplating the creature before I let out another sigh and stared back up into the sky.
Death by wolf was certainly better than boredom I supposed.
I couldn't be asked to really fight back, and judging by the little beast, I doubted punching it in the face was going to help much.
Though I was somewhat surprised the wolf just sat there on it's legs as it tilted it's head at me, somehow ignoring it's natural instinct to rip and tear my throat a new one.
Needless to say, I didn't give enough of a fuck to care. And judging by the peaceful nature it somehow seemed to have evolved with, neither did it.
It wasn't until a few hours later that I promptly slapped myself for my stupidity.
...
The ground below me was suddenly rocked with a gallop of footsteps as I let out another sigh, still staring ahead into the sky, one hand idly scratching the back of the docile overgrown dog beside me.
Judging by my next visitor, it was either a wolf with horse shoes, or someone stuck in the medieval age given they were riding a fucking horse of all things-
"Lady!" A male voice promptly remarked causing a momentary look of horror to wash over me-
Did I get fucking genderbended too!?
I briefly pat my chest and was unsurprised to find myself a flat-chested one as well-
Thankfully, my momentary panic subsided as the overgrown dog promptly leapt from under my hand and dashed towards the voice.
"Who the fuck names a wolf Lady?" I deadpanned towards the sky after another moment, before lowering my head down and raising myself and crossing my legs into a seated position-
"My daughter." Sean fucking Bean responded towards me.
"..." I stared at him, he stared right back, before another wolf promptly came into my view from beside the horse.
"So," I smiled, finally realising where the fuck I'd just landed, before standing up and patting my tattered clothing."Given I've just clearly insulted your daughter, entirely on purpose-" His eyes briefly narrowed, before bemusement filled his gaze. "-Will you do me the honour of slitting my throat with your magic sword and getting me out of this fucking shit hole you call a continent?" I gave him my most dazzling smiling.
And for a brief moment, I swear he looked confused enough to just do it. I think-
I sighed when his honour evidently stopped him as he narrowed his eyes and shook his head.
"Have care how you-"
"I mean just give me a dagger! I'll do it myself!" I deadpanned, interrupting him.
Kudos to the fucker, he didn't even consider it, instead he elected to look me up and down for a moment, before his eyes locked onto the direwolf he'd been looking for and then back to me.
"Who are you?" He questioned warily, before narrowing his eyes. "And why do you wish to die so badly?"
I gave him a deadpan look.
"I could seriously ask you the same." I snorted. "I mean really, becoming Hand?" I crossed my arms. "Don't you know Starks don't belong in the south?"
"..." His eyes narrowed the slightest bit further as I watched him tense briefly. "Answer the question." He remarked tersely. "In the name of Robert Baratheon." He briefly looked around, taking the vast expanse around us, before settling back on me. "Who sent you?"
"Suspicious already?" I quirked an eyebrow, "You really do have an eye for trouble." If only it weren't so fucking blind. I couldn't help the snort before I promptly leaned my back on the grass. "I am no one important Stark, be on your merry way to your death and let me find my own-"
Needless to say, the sight of Ice suddenly in front of my face was a welcome surprise.
"Answer-" He promptly leaned his blade back in shock as I tried to dive my face into it, while his horse whined in surprise at the jostle of movement, and both Direwolves started barking. The action stunning him for a moment, while I pouted at the missed opportunity.
"Oh bother, if I tell you who killed Jon Arryn, will you please kill me then?"
I don't think that helped the tension either as his eyes geniunely narrowed at me, his emotions no longer hidden behind a mask. When he made to open his mouth, I interrupted him again-
Like seriously how many buttons do I gotta push to get a sword in the face!?
"...Man it's a fucking miracle you know." I shook my head in genuine exasperation, "How you managed to convince the world Jon ain't Lyanna's dragon bastard is beyond me-"
Needless to say, that time his anger took hold as he swung at me, eyes widened in genuine shock and surprise.
Unfortunately, the fucking Direwolf's howl shook his horse backwards enough for the blade to miss.
That still didn't prepare me for the awkward moment that came after as Eddard quickly took control of his emotion and had absolutely no fucking idea on how to proceed following his attempted murder of me.
"...I won't tell anyone if you try again." I deadpanned towards him, raising my neck to give him a clean hit. "Like seriously, get off your high horse and just do it!"
...
...
"You know, I am up for physical contact as much as the next guy, but I didn't think you had it in you!" I stated, watching as the expression on Ned's face twitched.
He was currently holding me by my tattered clothing's collar, his wide eyes searching for something.
"How did you know?" He questioned tersely, his expression almost resigned as his free hand clutched his Valyrian great-sword a tad harder.
I shrugged, pushing myself off his grip as I promptly pocketed my hands and walked past him, only for him to grab me by the shoulder and turn me around.
"If I told you that, you wouldn't believe me." I smiled at him, tilting my head.
He grit his teeth.
"...Who..." He made to question, before for whatever reason he momentarily shook his head and the grip on my shoulder increased in force.
"The gods." I remarked, getting rid of my smile. "That's how I know." I looked him in the eyes. "Your gods told me."
And to my surprise, he didn't outright call me a liar, instead his eyes seemed to widen the slightest before he furrowed his brows and shook his head, letting go of my shoulder.
"It's also how I know who killed Jon Arryn." I took a step closer. "And how I know whose going to kill you."
"...You have no proof..." He remarked, his shoulders deflating of the tension in them, as he momentarily looked down.
I shrugged again.
"Suit yourself." I sighed. "Now I'd ask you again, but I doubt you'll go through with it, so I am just going to follow you back and find someone else if that's good with you." A beat passed. "You're like a walking magnet for death, if I stick around you long enough, someones bound to kill me."
His eyes narrowed again.
"What? Leaving me to my devices is a stupid idea and you know it, might as well let me come and die in front of you." I smiled again. "You get to sleep better at night until the headsman chops your head off, and I get to leave this shithole of a planet. Wins all around."
"...What kind of messenger are you supposed to be?" He scoffed at me. "If the gods have truly blessed you, why would you wish to die? Have you no qualms about insulting the-"
"'Cos Westeros is a shit hole, knowledge or not." I mock shivered for dramatic effect. "Like seriously, basically everyone is going to die within the next five years." His eyes widened. "You, Robert, Jory? You won't last past this year." I turned a look towards one of the Direwolves, "That wolf, was supposed to die today." I snorted, turning my gaze away from the wary Stark. "Visery Targeryan as another example gets an extra crispy death in the coming months," I shrugged both my hands. "Your bother's already dead." And within a split second, I found myself greeted by Ice pointing towards me, a vastly paranoid Stark holding it. I leaned my head in slowly. "Your oldest and youngest sons, die years a part but... Well, five years." I paused for a single beat. "Jon get's stabbed in Castle Black as soon as he get's Commander Mormont's pin."
Ned Stark started shaking his head in clear denial.
I put my hand towards my chest.
"Promise me Ned, promise me!" I promptly started laughing. "Sending him off to the crows, what a way to live up to your promise ey?" The words had their intended effect, and more, given the way Eddard Stark promptly dropped Ice and started taking a few steps back away from me.
"By the gods..."
I shook my head.
"Your gods are cruel-" I snorted. "Hell, the Lord of Light probably does more for your family than any of the Tree-fuckers ever did." I tilted my head briefly. "Oh, by the way, The Lannister twins did it- Pushed Brandon out the window I mean." I waved hand. "But they didn't kill Jon Arryn surprisingly, no that was your good-sister's handiwork."
It was telling that he didn't so much as ask for evidence- Though that was mostly due to the fact he was probably hyperventilating judging by the rapid breaths he was taking.
"And if that's a kicker, forget the coming war of five kings because the royal children are Lannister bastards-" Cue wide eyes, "-I mean honestly you'd think the queen would've at least popped out one black-haired git, but nooo she went for the trifecta of Jaime's spawns-" Cue disgusted expression, "Which by the way is why you end dying." I shrugged. "Anywho, forget about that coming shitfest-" I narrowed my eyes at him. "You know that Black brother you executed for 'running' from the Watch?" I paused. "You know, the one you made Brandon Stark watch?" His hands were visibly shaking. I leaned in towards him, conspirically putting a hand beside my face in an attempt to whisper. "He wasn't running rom the Watch. He was running from the White Walkers."
And just like that his shaking hands stopped as, for a brief moment, genuine horror filled his expression before rapidly disappearing as he shook his head.
"So yeah, if you're wondering why I want to die and give the gods who gave me this knowledge the middle finger? It's 'cos I literally cannot be asked to solve this shithole of a continent's problems, and boy when a war between five dumbasses- One of which was your son trying to bring back the kingdom of the North by the way, you know before he get's killed by Roose Bolton for his stupidity." I shook my head again. "Anywho, when that clusterfuck isn't the biggest problem? That's impressive-" I crossed both my hands, and leaned backwards to stare into the sky. "Ned, can I call you Ned? I am going to call you Ned." Pause. "There is a literal army of the dead coming to the south and I ain't trying to stick around to see the glowing fireball of a shitstorm it'll turn Westeros into." I took in a deep breath, "So for the love of your dead runaway sister, will you please just fucking end my life!?"
Needless to say, he didn't.
Actually he didn't do anything, he was just standing there with a shell-shocked expression on his face.
I waved a hand before him.
"Hello? Earth to Stark?"
Well, I just broke Eddard Stark.
I let out a sigh at the lack of a response and turned towards the Valyrian steel great sword on the ground.
Picking it up, I made to just slice my own throat before one of the direwolves literally jumped me, pushing me into the ground as the blade harmlessly fell back down on the grass.
Great, the fucking direwolves won't let me die!
"Okay, just because your owners are too stupid to live doesn't mean I want to!"
...
Hope You Enjoyed! Don't Forget Feedback!