Chapter Fourteen: Something New
"She was beautiful, in the quiet way that lonely, unnoticed people are beautiful to those who notice them."
—Jedediah Berry
I don't say anything in reply to Peeta's wish of happiness for me. I simply nod slowly, trying to keep my face passive, as he continues.
"The thing is, though, I kind of have given my heart to a girl already," Peeta says. He's looking at me as if his words are weighted with some sort of meaning I'm supposed to understand. "It's been hers for a long time, but I don't think she even realizes…."
Peeta said he had a crush on me when he was young, but that doesn't mean he still does. He was just letting me know about the lunches and how he used to feel about me, so I'd want to be his friend. If he's already given his heart to someone, it certainly isn't and won't be me. So who is this other girl he's talking about?
I cast my eyes to the side, avoiding his gaze, and ask in a small voice, "Does she like the bakery? Because that's kind of a big deal, right?"
"I'm pretty sure she does. Her smile seems to brighten up the place as soon as she walks in the front door." I'm not looking at him, but I can hear the smile in his voice as he talks about her. I'm guessing I haven't seen her yet and part of me wishes that I never have to. Still, I have to ask to know for sure.
"Have I seen her yet? Has she come in while I've been here?" I stare down at the floor, where my feet can't seem to stay in one spot. I barely even know Peeta; it shouldn't matter to me at all if he "gives his heart" to some girl. She's obviously really pretty and nice; she's probably a lot more worthy than I am. Not that I've even considered being worth anything to him anyway.
He's silent for a moment, then gives a small laugh as if he's happily amused about something. I look over at him, scrunching my eyebrows together in confusion. What's so funny? I don't think it's very humorous at all.
"Oh, yes. Yes, you've definitely seen her. Many times," he finally answers.
"Then why haven't you introduced us?" I question in a somewhat accusatory tone. I frown at him, but he just grins wider. "Does she even know you like her?"
"I didn't think it was…uh… necessary to introduce you," he answers, shrugging. He bites his lip to keep from laughing again, then continues. "I just assumed you'd figure it out on your own. And... I'm guessing she doesn't know at all. Though, I thought I was being pretty obvious—"
My eyes go wide in realization as I think of the only girl it can be. It all makes sense! She came in the first night, and I have seen her many times like he said. It was only for a few minutes, but Peeta seemed really chummy with her; just like at school. And, really, she'd be perfect for him.
"Oh! I think I know who you're talking about now…."
"Really?"
"You should just tell her," I advise. I turn my body towards him, tucking a foot beneath my lap. At least I know with this girl, I'll still be able to work in the bakery. I'm a little more relieved at that. I meet his eyes with mine. "I think Delly would be pleased to know how you feel about her—"
"Oh god!" Peeta shakes his head and laughs. He sticks his tongue out as if the thought disgusts him. "I wasn't talking about Delly, Katniss! She's like a… a sister or something."
I narrow my eyes at him. Delly would be a nice girl for Peeta, but she's probably not good enough for him. I bet it's one of the popular, pretty girls. I know he'd have no problem snagging one of them if he tried.
"Whatever. You should just tell the girl then. I don't know why you're telling me all of this anyway." I roll my eyes and look away.
"I thought I already did," Peeta replies with an exasperated sigh. I look back at his face, which is now a very dark shade of pink. "And I'm trying to right now."
"No, you're not," I retort. I'm starting to get annoyed and I wish he'd just let the subject drop. "It's only us here."
Peeta bites his bottom lip, raising his eyebrows to make a point. "Exactly."
I close my eyes and rub them with my thumb and index fingers. He's talking in riddles and I wish he'd just spit it out already. I am not going to play guessing games over what girl he has feelings for. Aside from the threat of whatever impact it'll have on my job, I just don't care.
"Exactly what, Peeta? You're not making any sense," I mumble. "Look, can we just get back to—"
"Katniss," he interrupts me. I open my eyes and look at him in a bored manner. "What did I tell you in the car earlier today? Do you even remember?"
I shrug, but I don't reply. I know Peeta said he had a crush on me, but I don't think for one moment it's anything more than some childish, superficial thing. I know I'm not this girl he's talking about; there's no way Peeta would want to "give his heart" to me. We barely know each other. Besides, we're from two different worlds; worlds that don't mix well.
"You really don't believe anyone could ever like you," Peeta asks in a quiet, wistful tone, "do you?"
I shrug once more, but I keep my eyes on the ground. I feel his fingers, warm and gentle, under my chin as he tries to get me to look at him. Feeling I have no other choice, I meet his eyes.
My heart seems to be beating a million times per minute.
"Not really. I don't care, though. I'm better off," I reply.
"Well, I do."
"You what?"
"I like you."
I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't speak.
I can only look at him in shock and disbelief. I'm not the girl he's talking about, surely? There's just no way. The question must be in my eyes because he continues.
"The girl I'm talking about is you, Katniss," Peeta tells me with a shy smile. His hand cups the side of my cheek and jaw. His fingertips move lightly along my skin, causing chills to run down my face and neck, down my spine, to the rest of my body. "Like I said, I thought it was pretty obvious, especially after what I told you in the car…."
I shake my head and find the ability to speak again, though my voice comes out a little more high-pitched than normal, "Not to me."
"Trust me, I know," he says. "I really do, though. Like you, I mean. Quite a bit. Have for a while now."
I don't know what to say to that. What is there to say? What am I supposed to do now? I haven't got a clue. I guess I'll approach this rationally; I really need answers. He can't just spring this on me without some sort of explanation.
"Why? I'm nothing special."
"I beg to differ."
"Peeta, really. You could have anyone else—"
"I don't want anyone else," he tells me, his voice quiet and heartfelt. "I want you, if you'll allow it."
I don't know the first thing about dating or boyfriends... or being a girlfriend. The very thought of it makes me overwhelmed.
"I…" I start and hesitate, not being able to think clearly. "I don't know what to say."
His hand drops from my face; it feels warm and tingly where it had been.
"Look, I know this is sudden. I'm sure you're confused about everything and, truthfully, I really don't know what in the world I'm doing right now. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. I know earlier I said that you shouldn't feel obligated to be with me, and I meant that. But it doesn't mean that I don't want to be with you or that I don't wish that you'd at least give me a chance to make you happy. Because I do think we could make each other happy."
"Peeta—" I begin to argue, but he looks at me as if asking to continue. I sigh and decide to let him say what he wants. Besides, I really don't know what to say anyway.
"I know we both have secrets and we've been hurt. I also know that you don't trust me well enough to tell me anything at this point, and I completely understand that. I don't expect it right now. But for me? It's a bit strange because, though we only just starting talking to each other, I feel like I can tell you anything. I mean, I've already told you things that no one else knows, or ever will. I feel like you understand. I feel like I've known you forever—"
"But you don't. You don't know me," I interject.
"But I want to. I want to know everything about you. Like I told you before, I've had a thing for you since kindergarten; since I was six years old, Katniss. You've always stuck out in a crowd to me. I know you might think it's weird, but I feel a kind of connection to you that I've never felt with anyone else before."
"But… why?" I ask quietly, my head filling up with a million questions. My whole body is shaking. I feel like I'm in some sort of dream or a parallel universe; these things just don't happen to me. "I really don't understand."
"I don't know why," Peeta replies, shrugging. "I just know how I feel about you; how I've always felt about you."
"Why are you telling me all of this now?" I narrow my eyes at him accusingly. "You've had all these years. Were you too embarrassed of me...?"
"No!" he cuts me off, looking indignant. "I'd never be embarrassed of you. If you were mine, I'd want everyone to know it. I'd be honored, really. I guess I was just shy… I didn't know how to approach you. You're way prettier than you think, and you're really very intimidating."
"Whatever, Peeta. Then why are you the only one to ever tell me?"
"Because girls are jealous of you, so why would they tell you? And guys are intimidated by you, so they put you down to impress the girls they know they can get. It's kind of an endless, idiotic cycle."
"Yeah. Right. And me being poor has nothing to do with it," I reply sardonically. I want to believe everything he's telling me, but Peeta is nice. He'll say sweet things to make me feel better about myself; it doesn't mean he's speaking the truth, though.
He shakes his head and raises an eyebrow at me as if to scold.
"You're way too hard on yourself, you know that? And I don't care about how much money your parents have; it really doesn't matter at all. I know what you're worth to me," Peeta answers. Before I can pull away or object, he gathers my hands in his and rubs the tops of them with the tips of his thumbs. "Besides, if you were mine, I'd make sure you never went without. That's not to persuade you, it's just a fact. I'd treasure you."
My throat is dry and I'm sure he can feel my hands trembling beneath his touch.
I'm just totally, undeniably confused about everything. And I'm not ready for this.
"You can do better than me, Peeta."
"Look, if you're not interested or attracted to me, I understand. It was worth a shot. Not many girls would consider dating a guy with a missing leg—" He starts, looking away from me.
"That has nothing to do with it!" I quickly cut him off. It honestly never crossed my mind about his leg. "I couldn't care less about that. It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I'm sure other girls feel that way, too."
"Not really," Peeta looks at me sadly. "They think it's gross and weird."
"Well, I don't."
"Yeah, but you have no interest in me."
"I never said that."
"Then go on a date with me?"
My eyes widen and I suddenly can't breathe. I feel backed into a corner. If I say yes, then I'll have to go on a date with him. I have no idea what that entails and it frightens me. If I say no, I will make him feel horrible and I'll feel horrible, too.
"Peeta…."
"I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend or anything else," Peeta states. His face is very red and I'm sure mine is as well. He gently squeezes my hands in his and I look down at them. "I know you don't know me very well just yet. Just go on a few dates with me and then make up your mind about how you feel? That's all I ask. I won't push you into anything you don't want. If you decide you feel nothing for me, and we have no chemistry, that's fine. We'll go back to being friends, no hard feelings or anything, and it won't affect your job here in any way whatsoever. I'll honestly just be happy you gave me a chance. It's better to know for sure than to wonder."
"I don't know," I tell him, panic rising. "I don't know how…"
"How to what?"
"How to… how to… everything!" I reply in frustration. "I don't know anything about dating and relationships. I don't know how to be a girlfriend. I've never had a boyfriend before. Hell, I've never even been kissed by a boy before—"
"Really?" Peeta asks in surprise. "You've never been kissed? Ever?"
I cut my eyes at him. "Of course not. Who would?"
"Me," he answers. "In a heartbeat, if you'd let me."
And speaking of heartbeats, mine is beating so fast it feels like it's going to explode at any moment.
I suck in a deep breath as he entwines our fingers. I know I should pull away, but I can't bring myself to.
"Again, I don't understand why." I roll my eyes and look away. "I don't understand you or this… or anything."
"Can I?"
I glance back at him. "Can you what?"
"Kiss you."
I shrug. I don't know what to say. I'm not sure; I'm not sure about anything at all anymore. He leans in closer. Shyly, he looks me in the eyes. I quickly avert mine, and shake my head. "I don't know how—"
"It isn't something that requires prior experience," Peeta whispers, and he's so close now that I can feel his breath against my lips. I shut my eyes tightly, preparing myself for what's about to come next. I don't know if I want this or not, but it's obviously going to happen anyway, so I might as well get through with it as quickly as possible. I can almost feel his smile as he finishes his sentence jokingly with, "Though we can always practice if it's something you'd like to perfect."
My lips are already tingling, anticipating his mouth on mine. I can't believe this is happening. I might just die right here, either from lack of oxygen or a heart-attack… or maybe both.
All I know is that Peeta Mellark is going to be the death of me.
