The games people play

by fvdv123

Old Guy's brother did the stupid thing and jumped into the Black Hole instead of going to the Light. He ends up in seven-year-old Harry with a crappy Game System. Self-insert as always, Harry/Multi later on... as always. This is a crack-fic, keep that in mind.

18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., … I have nothing… Oh yeah, I have fun writing about Harry. He is my favorite chew toy. So I write for free.

Previous:

What came out is the fact that I won't kill anymore out of the dungeons. The fact that I killed Dumbledore in cold blood spooked me. Although I am not convinced this is a real-world, it feels bloody real to me. So I'll go mad in the dungeons and fuck the professors in between. And avoid those crazy crones with their whips.

Well… life is good because I am the Great Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile, Play Witch Monthly's most used fantasy, and the most loved Defense against the Dark Arts Professor up to date.

Bullshitting 55 Bragging 34

18 Stealing Magic and proving a point.

Teaching classes was fun, tutoring the Owl and Newt classes three hours a week saw them catching up on the years of having bad teachers.

The side activities were fun too. I was co-founder of the Harry Potter fan club, Ginny Weasley and Collin Creevy, president and secretary. It was surprising how many members they got.

If looks could kill, Harry would have been a murderer. I explained to him: "Mister Potter, now that your mail block is lifted, your guardian has put a filter on your mail. He asked me to explain how to handle fan mail, and most importantly your fans.

This is where the fan club comes in handy. First, think about the letters, if you don't respond to any of them, what will they think of you? Spoiled? Arrogant? Lord Greengrass put a statement in the Daily Prophet that you never received mail. This means now you do get mail.

Your fan club can help you with it, take a few hours a week with them and let them help to respond to those letters, most are coming from them anyway."

Harry looked horrified at me, Daphne said to him: "Harry, listen to Professor Lockhart, public opinion is important for you. Like it or not, you are a celebrity. Not responding to your mail once is insulting people that are feeling positive about you. So if something negative happens to you they could turn their opinion on you."

Yep, like in sports, if you win you are a hero, lose a few times and you are trash. Daphne got, with the help of Hermione and Tracey, Harry so far that he sacrificed two hours on Saturday to the Fan-club. I laughed when they got him so far to write a personal column in the Quibbler with Collin providing a picture. Daphne and Hermione did the editing, thank Merlin for that.

Xxxxx

The tasks I set for the first four years showed remarkable results, they formed teams, one from each year, especially with a firsty in it for the map in my book. The school is a bloody maze, several rooms and corridors were found, passages that connect different floors. Shortcuts to the Library and Great Hall from each common room were the best.

When the firsties did their first presentation to me, I pointed out that there was a difference on the seventh floor. On one it was a broom closet, on another a passageway, it was something else on every team.

Luna did the most discoveries of secret passageways, she shrugged and said: "It was easy to see, the Blibbering Humdingers showed it to me."

I asked: "Miss Lovegood, those Blibbering Humdingers, are they transparent glowing creatures?" Surprised she looked at me: "You can see them? Nobody believes me, only mum and dad did, and I think dad is just humoring me." Of course, I know it all, I leveled my Observe in the last few months.

I told the class: "Dear students if someone tells you she can see creatures that nobody else can see, does it mean she is lying or mad? If you tell muggles magic is real without you proving it to them, they declare you a liar or mad too. Miss Lovegood here has a rare Magic ability. She can see magic, I can tell because I have the same gift, one that I only recently developed."

Bragging 35

I continued: "It is called Rowena's Gift, as Rowena Ravenclaw was the first recorded to have it. You will find this gift very useful for your studies Miss Lovegood. But don't get to distracted by it, try to turn it off and back on to control it."

Optional Quest completed:

Quest: Stop the bullying of Luna

Reward: +1 Wisdom

Wtf? First Endurance, now Wisdom? Where are the new skills? Abilities?

New Skill: Baseless Complaining 6

I Give up, that Game is just fucking with me.

Xxxxx

Anyway, I explained the Nargles, Blibbering Humdingers, and Heliopaths to the class, so Luna is their new magic detector on their search for Hogwarts secrets. The poor thing was in such high demand she barely got to do her homework.

The fourth class pointed several clues to the Chamber of secrets to me. A Weasley, Fred said to me: "We found a lot of small snake motives in the castle, also Griffins, Badgers, and Ravens. Luna said they all possess some magic, which means they are secret passages or wards."

Angelina Jones continued: "On the second-floor bathroom we discovered a snake motive on a defective water tap. Luna told us it had several magic spells on it. We questioned the ghost that occupies that bathroom about it, she told us that she died in front of that sink."

George Weasley took over: "We researched when and how she died. Fifty years ago she died when rumors of the chambers being opened were printed in the Daily Prophet."

Marcus Flint said: "Hagrid was arrested for killing Moaning Myrtle with his pet acromantula, although it doesn't make sense, Myrtle told us the last thing she saw were two big yellow eyes. Acromantula's have eight black ones. We suspect he was a scapegoat. A Tom riddle got for a school reward for it."

Graham Montague: "Everything points to that bathroom as a passageway to the secret chamber, we suspect you have to speak parseltongue to open it. It was a Slytherin ability. Only the ones from the Slytherin line possess it."

I gave my Trademarked Smile: "Well done class! This is excellent work from all of you. There is only one flaw in your reasoning: Parseltongue is not a Slytherin-only trait. Or he has a very big family on the eastern continent. There are a lot of them in India, the counties around it have them too. They are revered for their healing magic and providing safety in the villages from wild snakes. That Voldemort could speak it doesn't make the ability Dark or Evil, it is like muggles telling us all wizards are evil.

So, find a Parselmouth, I can already tell you Hogwarts has at least two of them."

That stirred them up, Flint asked: "An Heir of Slytherin is in school?" I shook my head in pity: "Did you not hear me say not three seconds ago that it is not a Slytherin ability? It is possible that it is an Heir, it could be the Patil twins, they originate from India, it could be the Weasley twins hiding it, afraid to be called dark wizards."

The other Gryffindors shifted away from the twins. I told the class: "See? Just mentioning it get them shunned. I suggest getting over it fast because I will start the rumor the whole class here can speak it if you don't. Imagine, a whole class, Griffindor and Slytherins alike can speak Parseltongue! You are Evil to the bone. It must be because there are rumors you are Parselmouth's."

I looked at all of them: "There is nothing as dangerous as human sheep that can't think for themselves. A few words and you have a lynch mob. It was the main weapon of Voldemort and Dumbledore. Steer the sheep into the direction you want and set them loose. Muggle politicians are using it all the time, a few slogans and a scapegoat can and has started wars."

Yep, every nation had them, don't think the German one was the worst, there are others on the same level too.

Xxxxx

That night at dinner, Harry was outed as a parselmouth when the twins asked Parvati if she could talk to snakes. Everyone except Hermione shifted away from Harry, even the twins, although they remembered my speech and seated back next to him.

I spoke to Harry: §Harry, stand up and raise your wand. Claim House Slytherin by right of conquest, end it in so mote it be. Do it now in parseltongue.§ Well what do you know, those bloody teachers shifted away from me.

Harry claimed the Lordship of Slytherin and got a nice ring on his finger. I applauded: "Congratulations Lord Slytherin! Now do the same in normal speech for House Gaunt." Harry got a nice glow when the magic accepted his claim, I released the ring from my Inventory, now Harry has two Hallows.

I addressed the students: "Attention please! Me, the Great Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile, and the most loved Defense against the Dark Arts Professor up to date, am a parselmouth, so is Mr. Potter and hundreds of other all over the world.

Are we evil because snakes can understand us? The only things they are interested in are food and comfort. Parselmagic is mostly used for healing. Who thinks Mr. Potter is evil now?"

A few hands were raised, I picked one, Zacharias Smith, a snobby pureblood, and Copy Parseltongue on him. I summoned a snake and showed it to him: "Mr. Smith, say hello to my little friend."

Smith panicked: §Get that filthy snake away from me!§ The snake snapped back: §Shut up you stupid prick! I am a fine specimen of my species! There is nothing filthy about me."

Suddenly Smith has a lot of room next to him. I said: "Well Mr. Smith? Are you evil?" Snakey hissed: §No just stupid. Send me back two legs, I was just about to hunt some rats.§

Xxxxx

The following Saturday Harry and Smith were escorted to Myrtles Bathroom by all four fourth-year classes, they even abducted Luna. Smith absolutely refused to speak parseltongue, so harry opened the sink. When the sink opened, Smith made a run from it and escaped. The Weasleys jumped in and slid down cheering, Alicia spinet stopped the rest: "I doubt Salazar would slide down to his chambers, try to ask for stairs or steps."

The rest walked downstairs and met the twins downstairs covered in filth. Some girls felt sorry for them ad cleaned them up, Luna was helping them enthusiastically, they ended up with green and purple hair. Luna said: "The green one is Fred." Horrified, the twins looked at Luna: "Luna! What did we do to you to deserve such punishment?"

She glared at them: "When I was eight years old you glued my lips to Ginny's when we played marrying Harry Potter. That was not funny."

Harry said: "Let them keep the colors until it wears of itself. It is a fitting punishment." Cheering all around from everyone for that.

Fred got in front of Luna: "We never said we were sorry Luna,"

George: "But we say it now."

Fred: "We are very,"

George: "Sorry Luna."

Luna smiled: "Apology accepted Fred and George. It was a good snog, but it lasted too long." Everyone snickered with that comment.

They stopped laughing when they spotted the shed skin. Harry said: "Uhmm, I don't feel comfortable talking to a snake that is bigger than an elephant. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Luna said: "Call Professor Lockhart here, he can tell us if it is too dangerous to proceed." a few students ran upstairs, and came back a few minutes later. Flint said: "Lockhart said there is no danger anymore, he killed the basilisk in September. It is safe for us."

Bragging 37

Xxxxx

That Sunday the Quibbler reported the discovery of the secret chamber. Pictures showed Harry Potter next to the snakeskin, opening the chamber, and the inside of the room. There was one room that was raided, Luna found two more, one with treasure, the other with old tomes in parseltongue.

The report especially mentioned the cooperation of the four classes in finding the chamber.

I called Lord Greengrass, to claim the contents of the chamber for House Slytherin. All students in the chamber got a reward, but ownership went to Harry. Smith was found hissing to that sink for hours. He was not happy with parseltongue, so I Cut it away and Paste it to Daphne. No comments please, I just like the girl.

The ministry and the Department of Mysteries were told to wait until Harry is twenty and can make decisions of his own. With the backing of House Greengrass, Longbottom, and Kitty, they had to stop bothering Harry for access.

Xxxxx

When Christmas came I advanced to level 20, I used the holidays to visit my faithful fans. Play Witch Monthly did an interview, one I did in-depth, with a show and tell. When the reporter left the next morning she had stuff for three editions. Yes, I am that good.

Bragging 40

Suck it, as she did. My new book came out just before the holidays, Besting the Basilisk. It was a direct bestseller, me posing next to the corps and showing the skull in my entrance hall was enough.

I got nominated for An Order of Merlin First Class when they found out the Basilisk lived under Hogwarts. I will humbly accept the reward, of course, my speech will probably not last longer than two hours. My outfit? I guess black and gold, it matches the colors of the basilisk.

Bragging 41

Xxxxx

The Christmas presents were not hard to choose from, every student got a picture of me, signed of course. My most loyal fans and female professors got the first prototype of the real Gilderoy. That is right! You heard it! In cooperation with a specialized firm, we managed to create a real-life-like copy of Little Gill. It is runed to vibrate at four speeds. Of course, different colors and glowing in the dark are optional.

Why do you ask? I am the Great Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile, Play Witch Monthly's most used fantasy, and the most loved Defense against the Dark Arts Professor up to date.

I can't be everywhere at the same time. This way I am with them in spirit and Little spirit.

New Title: Enemy of Man

Meh, who cares. When I arrived back at Hogwarts, the Professors thanked me a lot.

Xxxxx

The Newt students of the sixth and seventh year joined forces to prove their point. They asked their parents to research their family's pedigree, including the squibs. The students with parents in the ministry asked for names and dates of criminals and dropouts that got their magic bound and dropped in the muggle world, dating back three hundred years.

They compared the results, and almost all muggle-born could be traced back to a squib our on that had their magic bound. Double-checking resulted in all muggle-born could be traced to a magic ancestor if you go back five hundred years. When both parents have magic ancestors, it increases the chance for a magical child.

When those results were posted in the Daily Fantasia and Quibbler the Wizarding world shook on their foundations. Especially with the research on squibs. It proved that the more pure the blood is, the more chances of having squib children. The proof was included with names and pedigrees.

The Quibbler concluded:

This my dear readers proves that we were wrong for centuries, why didn't we research it before? Or worse we did and it was censored. How could we be made to believe muggles can steal Magic when even we can't do it unnoticed?

The last war was a crime against magic! Our numbers are declining, and we shun new arrivals in our community. Even go as far as outright killing them!

We should welcome them into our society! Teach them our ways and traditions, as we are supposed to do to our families. We can't expect them to follow our ways when we don't teach them to the muggleborns.

I took the liberty to research the pedigree from the most avid supporters of blood purity. Most did not even go back ten generations. Madam Umbridge for example not even five generations and she has the reputation of being the foulest blood purist in the ministry. Avery and Mc Nair too, not even six generations Those are the ones that dictate who is pure or not.

We need to look at ourselves and face the truth: Everyone with magic belongs in our community, blood does not make you pure, Magic does.

I like to thank Professor Lockhart to assign his Newt classes to this project, and bringing it into the open.

Yours truly: Xenophilius Lovegood.

Xxxxx

Ah! I feel Great! Suck on that, you death eaters! The fun part is they helped research it. Lord Greengrass took control of the situation and rallied the factions together. The Department of Mysteries was questioned, it was their duty to research those questions.

They could not answer why two Newt classes can solve it in three months when they researched it for years.

Lord Greengrass said: "Lords and Ladies from the wizengamot, for over two hundred years the muggle-born are discriminated, shunned and sometimes abused or killed, just because they have no magical parents. What are we afraid of? The Lord of the House decides the Heir Prime, so they can not take our Lordship unless we are willing to let them inherit it if nobody else is available.

Our House found ten relatives that started as muggleborns, out of squib lines. Our family is expanded now, instead of four Greengrasses, I have fourteen in our family.

Hogwarts needs a class on Wizarding culture and traditions. We need to take our magic back into our society by taking the muggleborns in and welcoming them.

Minister Fudge, I expect you to fire every witch or wizard in the ministry that still believes muggleborns are stealing our magic. The reason is plain stupidity. Hire new employees based on skills not on who their father is. Lords and Ladies, it is time for a change!"

Great speech, it was broadcasted through the wireless and reported in the papers. I might have hinted to Black and Greengrass to see who has the shares of those magazines.

Xxxxx

What else can we do to get atten… I never tried to cure werewolves… Sirius Black happens to know one. A few letters later, I paid a visit to 12 Grimmauld-place. Sirius introduced me to Remus Lupin.

Alright, with a name like that, it is screaming to turn him into one. Just like Fenrir Greyback. If you name your daughter Vampirella, you don't have to be surprised when a vampire with a sense of humor makes her one.

To be honest, I am not a fan of Lupin, the bastard did not even make the effort to look for Harry. Then he shags a totally fine babe, puts a bread in the basket, and runs away. That is a big red flag in my book. He gets points for shagging a girl thirteen years younger, I remove the points for dropping her the moment Little Ted is in the womb… I just hate him for shagging Tonks.

Maybe I cure another werewolf, this one does not deserve it… What to do… Meh, I am too lazy to search for another one.

I said: "Mr. Lupin, I understand you were good friends with Lord Potter, it is none of my business but tell me, why did you never check up on little Harry? A pass by on the street, checking his health? Those are the things a good friend is supposed to do, is it not?"

Lupin said nervously: "Dumbledore said…" I held my hand up and told him: "If it was my friend's son that got orphaned, even if Merlin said, I would see to it that he is properly cared for. A visit once a year is not too much to ask for. You failed your friend mister Lupin. You failed his son."

Now, let us see if Sirius allows the old wolf to fuck his niece.

Manipulating 44

I Dispel Curse the werewolf curse, it worked like a charm. Lupin felt the curse leaving his body, I said to him: "The next two full moons you lock yourself away with two healers and two Aurors as witnesses, to prove you are cured of the curse. Sirius, arrange with Lord Greengrass a reporter to witness it too on the second full moon."

Xxxxx

Two full moons later I made the frontpage's for curing Lycrantopy. I loved the attention, not so the attention of werewolves that crowded Hogwarts.

I made a deal with three healers from St. Mungo's: "My beautiful healers, I am the Great Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile, Play Witch Monthly's most used fantasy, and the most loved Defense against the Dark Arts Professor up to date.

I offer you the ability to remove curses. I have a secret family technique to imprint that Ability on you. I can only do this once every four days. Also, that Ability is not teachable."

Healer one: "Alright Gilderoy, What is the catch?" I put my hand on my heart and said: "Dear Brigitte! You wound me. There is no catch at all, only that that ability can only be transferred through intercourse."

Manipulating 46 Bullshitting 56

New Title: Male Scumbag.

Fuck it! I need something out of it too! Those three healers are a nine point six on a scale of ten. It is not a big deal anyway, I shagged Brigitte before. I told her: "Well Brigitte, I'll start with you, you can verify it tomorrow on the Longbottom's. If it does not work, I'll pay five thousand galleons. If it works you three cure the werewolves."

My bed at home was seriously tested again, I Copy Dispel Curse on Brigitte while getting a good shag out of it. She got some too. With Telekinesis, I worked her all over. The next day she got to work with a big smile.

That day the Longbottom's got cured. Brigitte told me four days after, that she could do that spell only five times a day. She told me that when we were fucking the second healer. I was not thrilled there were a lot of volunteers to get fucked by me for that ability. There were some readers from Play Wizard Monthly among them. And some granny's above hundred. There is not enough lube for that.

It did get me a second Order of Merlin though, a First Class one even.

Anyway, I gave ten healers the Ability and told them that was the limit.

Optional Quest Completed:

Quest: Cure the werewolf curse.

Reward: 50% to the next level.

Xxxxx

At Easter, the Third grade found Rowena's room. Of course, the firsties helped with their maps. I claimed the room for my Newt classes, so did the other Professors. The students were almost crying after some classes there.

Defending themselves against dueling automates, trolls, dragons, the room provide them all, and the students hated me for it.

Meh, I am the Great Gilderoy Lockhart, Two Times winner of Order of Merlin First Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, seven-times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile, Play Witch Monthly's most used fantasy, Knock-turn Alley's most asked polyjuice potion figure and the most loved Defense against the Dark Arts Professor up to date.

I am the best.

Bragging 42

Xxxxx

We never found Godrick's and Helga's Secret chambers, I doubt they had one. Leveling went fine, I neared level 25 at the end of May, I decided to end the year to see how they score in their Owls and Newts

The first week of June, I taught the Patronus to every class, by then they had a lot of self-confidence, with a week of practice, the Owl and Newt class all got it. The lower years a week after that.

When they learned the messenger Patronus, we had to ban the spell during classes, especially the one from Parkinson, an adult-sized Elephant is no joke when it appears in front of you, with the voice of a little girl. She did get a lot of attention from it.

The exams went fine, everyone got above A, three-quarters of the class O or more. So the Owl and Newts class performed well, I told them the messenger Patronus would give them extra credit.

Xxxxx

Snape, you ask? That man was like a pit bull, no matter what I did to the man, he crawled back up. The sad part is that he is teaching ten times better than with his potion skills. With the wards active the snake pit is safe again for the females, the boys learned some manners, even the little ferret.

The pureblood children got told by their parents to bag a muggle-born to strengthen the bloodline. The loose ends were almost all tied up, Snape got my Baseless Complaining Skill, too bad I can't Cut Tittles, the Scumbag Tittle is undeserved in my opinion.

Xxxxx

I watched the train leave, Kitty stood next to me: "You know Gill, at the start of the year we were afraid to have another useless Defense teacher, it turns out you are the best one we ever had. And you can teach well too." I Smiled my Trade Marked Smile: "Auw, Minnie? Are you teasing me? I must admit it too, at the start of the year… I had total confidence in my skills! I knew I would break the mold."

Bragging 43

Bite me, it is the truth. That evening at home, I got to Level 25.

Main Quest Completed:

Main quest: Reach Level 25, Reform the wizarding world.

Restrictions: No Gringotts, DMLE, or Department of Mysteries

Quest reward: 1 free Ability

I choose Dragon animagus, a good skill to have. Now I can go after Tonksie and the other girls, thirteen is an acceptable age to date.

Level 3 Completed

Main Quest Completed: 1

Optional quests Completed: 6

Hidden Quests Completed: 2

Bonus Quest: 0

Time Bonus: 0

Total score: 50% +10% Extreme Hard Mode

Reward: One Skill.

Progress to Level 4 Y/N?

Dammed, I can't select one, I got Teleportation. I already can do that shit Game! I gathered my thoughts, dammed I could have completed a hidden quest with my spaceship! I totally forgot it, it was possible, that I was sure of. Well, maybe next time.

I pressed Y. I woke up when I heard "...Potter!" At least I am not in Azkaban as Sirius the dog.