A/N: This is just a sort-of-crackfic not to be taken seriously. I don't hate Ram, I just thought this prompt was a cool one and I wanted to write it. Don't take this seriously. It's just for the idea. Credit to Heretic Slayer#1073 from the ReZero Fanfiction Discord server for the prompt. Also Credit to James The Shion Revolutionary for the Satella idea.

Ram Gets Roasted

"Man, it's always so hard working around this place…not nearly as big as Ros-chi's place, though, so I guess I lucked out there." Subaru groaned, resting his chin on the handle of his mop.

Currently, he was helping with some chores around the Annerose mansion. Technically, with Ram, Clind, Frederica, and Petra on the job, his slightly above-average skills as a servant weren't really needed anymore.

At the same time, he couldn't just knowingly sit back and watch them work their hardest without lifting even a single finger to help...he could be a hard worker when he needed to.

That, and Clind was out on some business with Annerose, Roswaal, and Emilia. Subaru had no idea what it was, but he at least knew it had to do with some paperwork or political stuff or some other uninteresting topics.

He allowed his mind to wander for a few seconds, his eyes looking far off into an unseeable distance.

'I didn't really want to let Emilia go on her own...but she told me herself that she wanted to start handling these things herself. She's growing, and I have to respect that, even if I want to always be by her side. We're here to trust each other, not become dependent on one another.'

Subaru had long since shed such toxic thoughts about the half-elf, but in the end, he still couldn't just help but be worried so much about the girl he loved.

Especially not after what happened with Rem...he left alone for just half-a-day, but his negligence, his Sloth, had resulted in her being in that miserable state she was now in...if only he was a little more careful, a little more cautious about sending her off on her own like that…Maybe every insult that Ram threw his way was right…?

A loud, uproarious laughter was heard from behind him, disrupting his dark, spiraling thoughts. "Pahaha! Y'cant whine when yer th'one who offered t'help, Cap'n! Shoulda' just followed th'example f'my amazin' self...n'slacked off all ya wanted!"

"I can't believe you're bold enough to admit how lazy you're being, Garfiel…" The young man grumbled, turning on his heels to face the warrior-in-training who was the source of the voice.

The sharp-toothed demihuman was sitting in a nearby chair that was out in the hallway, turned backwards so that he was practically hugging the back of the chair.

"An'? I already done my trainin' fer th'day, so I got all my work in! On th'other hand, you've just been slackin' round, Cap'n! I deserve m'break, n'you deserve t'finally be doin' somethin'!"

Garfiel's words, while blunt, were good-natured. He admired the man as his Captain, so while he didn't exactly enjoy watching him do this menial work, he enjoyed the fact that Subaru was finally getting up off of his butt and doing something.

Not that he didn't deserve the break. Subaru was the one who had saved the entirety of Sanctuary, and his sister's life. Nobody could blame him for relaxing a little.

"Anyway...where's Otto? Oh – and Beako? She wasn't around when I woke up."

"Otto-bro's swamped 'nder a flood o'all that borin' crap n'his office, like usual." The boy snickered at the question, leaning back in his chair slightly. Subaru joined in, finding the idea amusing, himself.

"It's a good thing we managed to rope him into that idea in the end, though! Hate it or not, he's pretty good at it...don't tell him I said that though."

Garfiel made the motion of a zipper across his lips, throwing it to the side. "Lips are sealed, Cap'n!"

Subaru gave a grim nod, eyes turning scarily serious. "Good, good...this secret is of national importance. If Otto ever caught wind of it, I'd never hear the end of it! We can't let him get too much of a big head, right?"

There was a moment of silence...before both just ended up sharing a hearty laugh together again.

"And? What about Beako?"

"Ohhh, yeah, yeah, well, I ain't too sure 'bout that one, actually. Last time I saw 'er she was headin' to th'kitchen, carryin' some stuff in a bag. No idea what was in it, but it smelled hella good! Like a ton of sweet stuff wrapped up in one!" The demihuman was almost salivating just thinking of just what sort of delicious things were in the bag…

Subaru brought a finger to his chin. No matter how he sliced it, he couldn't think about any moment where he and Beatrice had gone shopping for anything. He didn't remember her asking about anything, either.

"Mmmm, ah well! Beako's a big girl, anyway. I'm just happy to know she's trying stuff out on her own, whatever it is." He shrugged off his worries with a smile, continuing to mop away at the floor as he and Garfiel carried on their conversation.

After a few more hours of work, Subaru finally finished the section of the hallway he had been working on, letting out a large sigh as he wiped a brow of sweat from his forehead.

"Man, that took way longer than I thought. Good thing you were around to keep me going, or I might of ended up slacking off!" Subaru turned to Garfiel and chuckled. The boy grinned proudly, flexing his arms.

"No need t'thank me, Cap'n! S'only natural that I was gonna help yer out when y'didn't have anyone t'talk to!"

"In other words, you just wanted to talk to Subaru-sama while watching him do all of the work, Garf?" A certain voice came from the side, drawing both boy's attention.

Garfiel's eyes narrowed in realization. "Geh-...Sis…"

"Ah...Frederica-san." Subaru murmured, turning his gaze to the side at the woman.

There was Frederica, standing there with various assorted cleaning tools in her arms. She rose an eyebrow at Garfiel's proclamation. "'Geh'? I still don't understand how you have the gall to say such things when you're acting as a complete freeloader. Don't you just sit around and enable him either, Subaru-sama."

Subaru let out a nervous chuckle, holding both hands up at his chest. "Alright, alright, I got it, Frederica-san. Just give Garfiel a little break, huh? I wouldn't have just been talking to him if I really wanted him to join in no matter what."

"Yeah! You ain't got no right t'order me 'round, sis. The Cap'n is my Cap'n, not you! We ain't kids no more."

Frederica pinched the bridge of her nose at these words from the two, letting out a sigh filled with obvious stress. "...Fine. But I don't want neither of you corrupting Petra. Understood?"

The maid's sharp tooth-filled, scary smile sent both of the boys shivering, each giving short nods at her words. Garfiel's confidence towards being able to hold off his sister disappeared in mere seconds.

"Good. I am glad that we can come to an understanding. In the first place, it's already worrisome that Petra latches on to you so mu-"

"Did you call me, big sis Frederica?" Almost as if answering to their words, a certain red-ribbon wearing little girl turned the corner, seeming to carry a lesser amount of the supplies that Frederica had in her hands.

"N-No, Petra, don't mind me. I was simply speaking to Subaru-sama and Garf here about how well of a job Subaru-sama had done on this hall. Isn't that right?" Frederica gave a sideways glance at Subaru and Garfiel, practically threatening them to agree.

"H-Haha, yeah, yeah! Sorry we brought you up, Petra. We ended up talking about, uh, how you and Frederica had to be working hard together on those rooms! H-hahaha!" Subaru rubbed the back of his head, guiltily look off to the side.

Garfiel could only nod, deciding it was best to just go with his Captain's words and avoid saying anything unnecessary...as much as he wanted to jump out and point out how much bullshit his sister was feeding the girl.

"Hmmmmm…" Petra looked between the two of them with squinted eyes...before eventually giving up with a bright smile. "Really?! Me and Frederica-nee-sama worked so hard on cleaning all of them!" She reached her head out towards Subaru, an expectant look in her eyes.

"There, there, I know you had to go at it pretty hard to get all of that work done, Petra. It's awesome how much you're improving, seriously!" Picking up easily, he gently patted her on the head.

Garfiel and Frederica both let out sighs of relief...for completely different reasons, of course. The two siblings looked towards one another, and, for the sake of peace, established a ceasefire on each other through gaze alone.

Although, the boy definitely wanted to go up against his sister one-on-one sometime, today was definitely not the day he was trying to relive his childhood memories. He'd definitely gotten stronger, but the superiority of an elder sibling was like a curse that never faded.

"Hm? Just what are you all doing gathered here?" And so, yet another voice joined the fray, this one much more monotone sounding. Garfiel recognized it immediately, and so did Frederica and Subaru.

"Ram? Y'finished yer work, too? Looks like all o'you guys finished up quick, huh?" The kid smiled as he caught sight of the pink-haired maid, who was walking towards them, a broom in her hands.

"That's right, Garf. Of course, it's only to be expected of a maid of my capabilities." She smirked, flaunting herself with an aura of smugness only someone with Ram's level of self-confidence could exude.

"I'm honestly surprised that you're joining us quite so early. Considering just how truly lacking your 'capabilities' as a maid truly are…" Frederica added in a sly shot at the end, one that seemingly left the woman unfazed, her face as blank as ever.

"And I see that you're continue to carry that child around with you everywhere like a follower. You're supposed to be teaching her, not coddling her." Ram gave a smug smile, a smile which only slightly, very very slightly irked the blonde maid.

"Hey! I enjoy working with Frederica-nee-sama!" Petra retorted, though she was stopped short of saying anything else by Subaru's slightly pressing the hand on her head down, making her look up at him. "Subaru?"

"You know how that phrase goes? Let sleeping dogs lie...or in this case, let sleeping demons lie. Trust me, it's not worth it getting in the middle of that rivalry of theirs." Subaru shook his head.

"Aye. Capn's wisdom s'on th'point fer this one, chibi. Even my amazin' self can't withstand a battle a'that capacity." Garfiel agreed solemnly, his instincts as a warrior warning him not to get close.

Both men could see the sparks flying between the two women as they glared at each other. They could feel the shaking of the earth itself beneath their feet – they could see the fire in the skies, the lightning that was beginning to rain down like spears around them -!

"What are you two talking about? They're just staring at each other…" Petra muttered with blank eyes. Subaru and Garfiel just shared a dry chuckle, looking to one another.

"Seems this young one is a little to naive to understand the truth of this situation, Garfiel."

"Aye, but we can't blame her fer that, boss. She's jus' a kid, she ain't gonna be able t'see what we can see, knowin' th'truth o'everythin'."

"H-Hey, stop leaving me out of the joke!" Petra yelled in outrage from behind the two of them, pouting in a way that was somehow cute but angry at the same time.

The three shared a laugh at the silly antics that had gone between them, causing the two arguing women in front of them to disengage.

"It seems that I missed a rather amusing conversation…" Frederica couldn't stay angry anymore, not after seeing Petra have such genuine bouts of laughter. That was more than enough for her.

"I doubt it. Knowing Barusu and Garf, it was likely some sort of stupid joke which only a child could have possibly laughed to." Ram shrugged her shoulders, with Subaru's eyes widening.

"Oi-!" He pointed an accusatory finger at her. "I got Garfiel to laugh, and he's not…" Subaru trailed off as he realized that, despite the young boy's looks, he was indeed only 2 years older than Petra.

His audience had really been nothing more than a group of kids that almost anyone could make laugh.

"You were saying, Barusu?" Ram's smug smile once again showed itself, a smile which made Subaru concede defeat with slumping shoulders.

"Damn it...I walked right into that one…"

This admission from Subaru set the small group out on another bout of laughter, one which lightened the hearts and minds of everyone present.

Yes, this daily exchange was part of what made life here in the manor so interesting. Everything was honestly normal. Everything was fine...Everything was good…

"Still, I'm more surprised that Frederica hadn't turned her eyes towards your handiwork, Barusu. For a fool like you, you managed to do only a half-horrible job at cleaning this hallway. Perhaps you are not a true failure at everything, though there is a slim chance of that." Ram remarked, looking up and down the floor.

"H-Haha, yeah, you're right. You're right, I coulda' done better, huh?" Subaru suddenly lost all mirth as the Oni turned her attention on him, his shoulders truly drooping and head going low.

For some reason, her words had thrown him right back into his earlier dark thoughts...On his true uselessness, on how he hadn't been able to do anything, or save anyone, in the end. All of his big talk, and he couldn't even save one of the most important girls to him.

To everyone besides Subaru, it seemed that the mood had suddenly become tense. Rather than his usual reaction of shrugging Ram's insults off as nothing but jokes, and giving fake despair at any of her insults, Subaru seemed to have actually taken this one to the core.

Petra stared at Subaru with worried eyes, while Garfiel's smile slowly turned into a frown. Frederica was silent.

"Uh...maybe ya should tone it down a little, R-"

Before Garfiel could say anything else, though, Ram, for some reason, continued. Of course, she wasn't trying to hurt him or anything, but the maid had just one goal in mind. Ever since the day had began, she had seen that something was going on inside of his head. Something that was eating away at him, that she just couldn't understand.

Ram wasn't the type to have a heart-to-heart, or a friendly conversation to happily cheer Subaru up. Instead, she was doing things the only way she knew how to do them with Subaru – dragging out whatever it was he was holding onto inside of him, through force.

Riling him up until he finally just released whatever was going on with him.

There was only one problem in that plan of hers...She hadn't properly guessed the limit of when to stop while insulting Subaru. In other words – she for some reason forgot when to shut the hell up and lay off of him.

"Ha! Simply agreeing with me won't do anything to absolve you of your uselessness, Barusu. Even this small act of cleaning this hallway half-decently is only but a simple stopgap in showing the true lack of utility you hold."

"Th-That's right...there's nothing I can do right, not even cleaning this hallway good, huh? I really don't have anything going for me...I'm a fraud...I'm a loser…" One by one, his words became darker and more self-deprecating.

Nobody had seen this side of Subaru before, so it was almost a bit of a shock. Seeing that usually upbeat young man who let everything slide off of his back like butter taking Ram's insults so seriously...everyone could tell that things were now going a bit too far.

"W-Well, I do agree that Subaru-sama has some areas he indeed needs to brush up on, there's no need to go that far, Ram." Frederica stepped in, attempting to be the bigger woman in the situation.

"That's right! Subaru isn't perfect, but nobody is! He doesn't need to be perfect! All that matters is that he keeps doing the best he can, like he always does!" Petra defended him as well, with a smile on her face.

Taking the hint from their suddenly serious and motivational words, and seeing Subaru's deteriorating state...Ram at least had the presence of mind to stop there.

Not before letting one more set of uncharacteristically mean words slip from her mouth, though, in a last-ditch effort to carry out her plan.

"Yes, I suppose it is right to let Barusu at least recover a bit from seeing some of his true weaknesses. At the very least, he can have some shame for himself. I'm sure he must feel at least somewhat disappointed in knowing he's carrying himself like this. Whoever raised him, I do feel sorry for them. They must have been sorry to bring such an incompetent child into this world, if not incompetent themselves."

With these final words from Ram, something could be heard metaphorically cracking. No, it was better to say that something snapped.

Something deep inside Subaru snapped, something he hadn't even known was waiting to break. A feeling that had been sitting deep inside his chest, coiled, waiting to be forced free out of him...and Ram's words brought it out of him.

His parents...out of everything to insult, she'd moved past just not only insulting him, but his parents...and their love for him.

Subaru's breathing suddenly turned erratic, his hands beginning to shake, his teeth gritted in sheer rage.

"Ram….RAM!" He took a step forward with force, tossing his broom to the side. His vision turned red, as he was bathed in this unbearable wrath that took over his whole body. He needed to explode – get it out...and the person who had started this shit in the first place was right in front of him.

"Listen up, and listen good. You can insult me all you fucking want...but never...EVER insult my parents, or use them to insult me! Do you fucking understand?!"

At the profanity was now exploding out of his lips, nobody could say anything in response. Petra was quivering in fear, Frederica and Garfiel were looking on with utter shock...and as for Ram, she was completely shocked into silence, her eyes wide.

"You know what?! No, I can't just let that one go. I bet you think you're so perfect, that you never make any wrong decisions, that you can just insult every on everything, but I've got some shit to insult YOU on!"

He took a deep breath, his fingernails nearly digging into his skin. There was a primal rage that was channeling itself into his body.

The roast gods were practically calling on him. ASKING him to throw the most diabolical, dark, spicy roast he could ever summon up at Ram.

And Subaru...had no reason to refuse.

"You're here insulting me for doing my work, while you can't even clean half-decently?! No, forget cleaning, you can't even cook anything! The best fucking dish you can make are some goddamn boiled tatoes, and you flaunt it like it's something to be PROUDabout?! Even a kid can do that! Even a fucking retard can drop tatoes into a water and wait until they're done! You've been alive for 18 years, 18 FORSAKEN YEARS, and never once did you learn how to make anything properly other than shitty potatoes in hot water? YOU CAN'T EVEN PROPERLY BOIL TEA WITH THE FUCKING FANCIEST TEA LEAVES IN THE KINGDOM! YOU'RE JUST A GLORIFIED FUCKING STATUE THAT CAN'T EVEN DO WORK RIGHT! IF YOU WEREN'T ON ROSWAAL'S DICK, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HIRED HERE! A 12 YEAR OLD CHILD MAKES A BETTER MAID THAN YOU! A CHILD THAT HASN'T EVEN WORKED FOR A YEAR! WHAT ABSOLUTE FUCKERY IS IT THAT YOU CAN ACT LIKE YOU'RE A BITCH THAT HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED SHIT?! CAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN WORK YOUR JOB RIGHT!"

Subaru's words were harsh and venom-filled, all directed entirely at Ram. Everyone was completely silent at Subaru's explosion, as he panted. He had shouted so hard that he couldn't even take a moment to catch his breath...but he wasn't even done yet.

"Yeah, you jackass...you're just sitting there, all quiet now, like you're the victim...but have you ever stopped to think why you even fucking insult me? I'm not gonna hold a debt to your neck like a fucking knife, but would it hurt to just not treat me like a piece of trash on the side of the road? I've done more here than you've done in an entire goddamn lifetime...I'm not proud of myself, but even I can see that there's a huge fucking difference between anything you and me have ever accomplished, but somehow, somehow, you treat it like you can just laud this FAKE ASS superiority you've got over my head? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS YOUR ISSUE, YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAVE ROSWAAL ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT BEING LENT PUCK'S POWER! YOU'RE THE IDLE WHORE THAT COULDN'T ACCOMPLISH SHIT, NOT ME!"

Subaru wheezed, his eyes narrowing as he coughed all of his energy out. All of his hatred, all of his pent emotion had been spewed out...and Subaru had exhausted every last bit of air and strength he had to do it.

As if to push himself forward, he violently slammed a fist against the wall besides him, looking Ram dead in her eyes. The maid now was left in absolute confusion and disarray, her mouth opening and closing like the flopping of a dead fish.

She had no idea what to say...but Subaru had more than a few words to continue throwing at her.

But, he just needed something to wet his throat...some...some damn water...

Out of seemingly nowhere, a white-haired half-elf manifested besides Subaru, holding a glass of water. Were anyone to look closely, they'd see and immediately sense that this was no ordinary being - neither was it the half-elf that they all knew.

It was the unmistakable presence of a witch. No, it was the presence of The Witch. ...And said Witch just happily handed Subaru the glass of water in her hands, which he took gratefully and sipped down.

"Thank you, Tella-tan." He gasped out, clearing his throat and continuing on.

"It's nothing, darling." She responded sweetly, a smile on her face as she disappeared back into nothingness.

So shocked were they by this absolute bomb getting dropped on Ram, that nobody even questioned the otherworldly occurrence that had just happened. Their eyes were blinded by the absolute heat Subaru was continuing to drop.

"And so, why am I the one getting insulted...what right do you have to insult me? Everyone makes mistakes...we all don't do shit right sometimes...but you know, I never treat you the way you treat me so horribly. Call it tough love or whatever, but you don't even act like you care about me. I had to do so much...so much...just to get you to put a single ounce of faith in me...and all I get back is you insulting the awesome, wonderful people that raised me…?"

Subaru's voice cracked up, his fists shaking at his sides.

"B-Barusu, I…"

Ram's voice came out, more uncertain, more vulnerable than anyone in that mansion had ever heard her before, but Subaru wasn't swayed in the slightest. The fire she had rose up in his stomach, the conviction her foolish plan had thrown upon him was something that wouldn't be put out by a single moment of vulnerability.

"No. Fuck off, Ram. Fuck right off. I really didn't want to have to say these kind of things to you, but you went too far this time. I'm not sorry for anything that I said." He spat, quite literally, looking to the ground in disgust. "You're a half-assed maid, a shitty sister, a hardass, a smartass know-it-all, a piece of shit that can't do anything, but everyone praises you as if you're some great person just because you're a little smart and good at magic...when that's all you've got over me...in what world am I the useless piece of trash whose parents must've been disappointed? Falling in love with the guy who knew what was happening and letting it pass...getting your horn broken off...not even being able to remember your own sister...the real disappointment to their parents here is you."

Rather than rage, Subaru's softly spoken final words simply broke Ram. She fell to her knees, unable to say anything further...the usually unbreakable wall that was Ram, couldn't say a single word in response.

The tracksuit-wearing boy looked down at her, with an emotion mirroring something like pity in his eyes. Yet, without a single extra word, Subaru just walked away, tears dripping down his cheeks as he went…

He knew he didn't have to go in that hard on her...but when she had brought up the family, he had to absolutely roast her ass.

"I had to roast you. Couldn't let it slide."

With those last words, Subaru disappeared down the hallway, leaving the crowd in the wake of the absolute heat he had just thrown Ram into.

Garfiel's jaw was almost to the ground, his body feeling limp against the wall as he leaned on it for support.

'That...That wasn't no damn roast. Cap'n just threw her 'nto th'middle f'a volcano and fried her. He burned her ass! Shit, Ram...I wanted t'protect ya, but...Cap'n was jus' spittin too much fire fer me t'even think o'stepping in there!'

Petra just stared, wide-eyed, unable to process a single thing that had happened in front of her. She was blown away, unable to even think anything like Garfiel.

Frederica's hands and legs were shaking – no, her whole body was. She couldn't even have moved to try and protect Garf and Petra from the stream of profane words that had slipped past Subaru's lips.

The utter destruction that had been put down...even an experienced woman like her couldn't have possibly said or done anything to stop it.

And Ram? Ram wasn't even put together at that point. Her eyes were widened, irises shrunk down into pinpricks. Her usually beautiful skin was utterly ashen, pale beyond recognition.

In the depths of her mind, she could only register one single thought.

…

'Never...Never mention Barusu's parents while insulting him.'

For no matter what, Ram would always remember this day...

The day Subaru had utterly, horrifically, roasted her ass.