Chpt. 39 APOV:
We return to Escala after dinner, both of us slightly giddy from the bottles of wine that Christian kept ordering. We had several toasts through the dinner by Kate and Elliot to celebrate our engagement; Elliot agreed to keep it from his parents until we have a chance to tell them ourselves. We decide to ask his family over for dinner one night this week at which time we will tell them our news.
"Let's go to bed soon to be Mrs. Grey ….I want to taste you" Christian says.
"Christian!" I blush, glancing around to make sure Gail or Taylor aren't in ear shot.
"It's true baby" he smirks, before lifting me up and carrying me up the stairs.
Christian closes the door as soon as we enter his room before lying me on the bed. He quickly bounces on the bed before his mouth finds mine, nearly crushing my lips as we kisses me with such passion. I can taste the wine on his tongue as he enters my mouth. His hands roam my entire body, stopping only momentarily to pinch my nipples or bring my ass closer to him. He is lying on top of me and I can feel his erection through our clothing which turns me on even more.
"I love you so much" he moans into my mouth.
"I love you too Christian" I run my hands along his back until I reach his ass and grip it tightly.
"Get naked" Christian declares.
"You're quite demanding when you're drunk" I giggle.
"Not drunk….just alcohol happy" he laughs.
"I can't get undressed with you on top of me" I point out.
"Oh" He says rolling off of me.
I don't think I've ever seen Christian drunk but I have to admit he is pretty funny when he drinks too much. I make my way out of bed, standing in front of Christian and purposefully taking my clothes off slowly. I'm down to my underwear when Christian grabs me by the waist and pulls against him. I gasp in surprise when yanks my underwear so hard that it tears apart.
"I'll buy you more" he mummers, nipping my stomach gently.
"You need to get undressed too" I giggle.
He stands up next to me but makes no effort to take off his clothes. I slowly pull his shirt off, kissing each one of his scars before unbuttoning his pants and pulling them down along with his underwear. I grasp his hot, firm erection in my hand stroking it slowly as a small drop of liquid appears at the surface. I bend down and lick the tip of his erection, tasting the liquid as he moans loudly.
"I want to taste you" he pulls me against him, his tongue thrusting into my mouth.
He guides me back to the bed, urging me to lay down before he joins me however he lays with his erection at my face and my sex at his. I blush at the realization of what is to come, remembering how much I've enjoyed this position in the past which arouses me even more. Christian moves closer to my sex, as I boldly grasp his erection guiding it to my mouth. I hear him moan as my tongue explores his erection just as he startles me by pulling me on top of him. He straddles my thighs around his head before pulling my hips towards his face.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh" I moan as his mouth finds my sex and I temporarily pull myself from him.
"You taste so good…I've missed how good you taste" He says as his tongue thrusts inside of me.
I feel his hips thrust against me as he silently tells me what he wants; my mouth immediately finds his erection taking him in as deep as I can in this position. Within minutes I find it difficult to concentrate as Christian's mouth latches on to my clit as his fingers thrust inside of me. I'm moaning loudly around his erection which he seems to enjoy as he begins pushes his erection further into my mouth. I can tell we are both close to finding our own releases while struggling to please the other one. My hands fondle his balls just as he curls in his inside of me hitting that spot I love so much. I moan loudly, pushing my hips against his face further as the orgasm comes over me. I scream around his erection as the orgasm rips through me which must push him further as without warning he thrusts inside my mouth empting himself into me. Swallowing in this position is not easy but I manage to take what I can before licking the remainder off of his still hard erection.
"I need to be in this sweet pussy" Christian thrusts a finger inside my still throbbing sex.
I blush, clearly drunk Christian likes to talk dirty which I'm surprised arouses me further. Christian gently pulls me off of him, urging me to turn around which I awkwardly do. Christian moves himself out of under me, placing his back against the head board before motioning for me to come closer.
"Come ride me baby" he says.
I can't help but blush at his words, but I do as he asks, crawling towards him before straddling him. His hands are at his side, clearly wanting me to take control right now. I grasp his rock hard erection, rubbing it against my damp sex before slowly taking him in. He is much deeper in this position; I feel so full as I start moving against him. My hands are on his chest, his hands on my hips urging me to move faster as I begin to feel the need arise again. His breathing increases and I can tell he is getting close to his own release; he suddenly grasps my hands and pulls them behind my back holding them there with one hand as he pulls me against him thrusting into me deeply. The moment my hands are restrained I immediately panic; the memories of my hands being restrained when Stephen beat me immediately flood me. I try to move my arms but Christian's grip is too tight; I struggle against him harder needing to break free.
"Baby what is it?" Christian stops everything, his eyes full of concern.
"My wrists….let go….don't…."I stutter.
"Oh god" He immediately releases my wrists and doesn't touch me. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't….I can't….you can't…." I can't seem to form a coherent sentence right now.
"Shhhhhh I won't, I promise Ana" He whispers into my ear.
We stay like this for I don't know how long, my head resting on his shoulder as he rubs my back gently. I can't seem to get the images of Stephen out of my head; no matter how hard I try I just keep seeing him beating me. I'm vaguely aware of Christian carrying me into the bath and setting me on the tub step. I pull my knees up, holding them close to me rocking back and forth listening to the bathwater run. A few minutes later, Christian lifts me up carrying me into the bathroom. I don't say anything but hold his arm firmly; I want him to stay with me but the connection between my brain and my mouth doesn't seem to be functioning right now. Christian somehow senses what I'm asking for, sliding into the tub behind me pulling me against him.
"Ana I'm so sorry….I shouldn't have done that" he whispers over and over in my ear.
"You didn't know" I assure him; the last thing I want is for him to feel guilty. This is my issue, not his.
"You told me he tied you to the bed before you ran away, I should have known that…." He says.
"He would hold my wrists behind my back when he would beat me too" I say quietly.
"I could kill the bastard for what he did to you," Christian tenses below me. "Ana, you have to know that I would never purposely hurt you."
"I know Christian" I sigh. "It wasn't that I thought you would hurt me just now. When you….when you held my wrists the memories of him beating me came flooding back. It had nothing to do with you; I know you won't hurt me."
"I'm so sorry, I will never to do that again, I promise" He vows.
We stay in the tub until the water is too cold to stand it before we return to Christian's bed. I finally feel myself calming down and my body is no longer as tense as it was when the flashbacks first came back. Christian pulls me against him, holding me against him tightly; neither of us having put pajamas on at this point but I barely notice it as I'm definitely becoming more comfortable with Christian seeing my body.
"Have you ever seen a therapist?" Christian asks cautiously.
"Yes" I chuckle. "I've seen several. I started seeing a school counselor in high school but I never told them about what happened at home. They didn't know I had run away at that point and I was so afraid to tell them because I assumed they would send me back to them. I saw a couple therapists on campus when I first started college and the homeless shelters would have someone meet with me whenever they would visit."
"Did any of them help?" Christian asks.
"No, they would try to give me coping mechanisms to deal with the nightmares but nothing ever worked. Well that's not true….one suggested I keep a journal of the nightmares and that worked-" I stop mid sentence.
"What is it?" he asks concerned.
"Oh my God" I gasp.
"Ana, what is it?" He sits up, pulling me against him.
"It wasn't there" I whisper.
"What wasn't where?" he asks confused.
"My journal" I pause. "It was at Kate's before the accident…I don't remember seeing it there tonight."
"Are you sure?" he asks.
"No…Yes….I don't know" I admit.
"We can check in the morning" he says.
"No, I need to go now" I quickly make my way out of bed gathering clothes to throw on.
"Are you sure you want to go now?" he asks.
"Yes…I need to know" I answer firmly.
"Let me get Taylor" he throws on a pair of jeans and t shirt before calling Taylor from his phone.
Minutes later Taylor is driving us to Kate's apartment; Mike informed Taylor that Kate and Elliot went back to Elliot's apartment therefore Sawyer is meeting us at Kate's to check the apartment before we arrive. I feel bad that I have this many people out in the middle of the night but I know I won't be able to sleep if I don't check. I guess Kate didn't feel safe yet at her apartment which is why they are at Elliot's apartment. She had said over dinner that Elliot was moving in next weekend but I guess he still has his apartment for now.
"Sir, ma'am Sawyer says the apartment is clear" Taylor says pulling up to Kate's apartment.
Like only hours ago, Christian carries me up the small flight of stairs to Kate's apartment building before allowing me to walk the rest of the way to the elevator. The elevator ride is quiet but tense; Christian's arms remain firm around my waist holding me tight against him. Sawyer meets us outside Kate's apartment, opening the door and I immediately go down the hall what is or at least was my bedroom. I try to lift the mattress but struggle until Christian holds it up; as I suspected there is nothing under there. I check my desk drawers and the bookshelf, but don't find it.
"It's not here" I whisper.
"Are you sure?" Christian asks.
"Yes, I'm positive. I kept it under my mattress so no one would find it; I thought maybe Kate would have put it in my desk or on the bookshelf but it's not there. It's not in my book bag either" I explain.
"We need to tell Taylor" Christian leads me back to the living room where Taylor and Sawyer are waiting for us.
"Ana?" Taylor asks.
"My journal….it's not here" I say.
"I hate to ask" Taylor pauses.
"I would write down what I remembered from the nightmares" I say vaguely.
"I see" Taylor says angrily.
"Why would someone want that? How would they even know about it?" I ask.
"Did you ever show it to anyone?" Taylor asks.
"No! No one has ever read it" I answer quickly.
"Did anyone see you writing in it?" he asks after a few minutes of silence.
"I don't know….I guess" I pause to think about it. "I stopped writing in it more than a year ago but before….I would sometimes write in it at the shelters when…."
"So it's likely someone at one of the shelters knew about the journal" Taylor suggests.
"I suppose" I agree.
"Taylor what are you thinking?" Christian asks.
"I don't know….but it seems like whoever came here knew exactly what they were looking for. Someone had to tell them what it looked like or that Ana even kept a journal" Taylor explains.
"But why would they want it?" I ask confused.
"I don't know" Taylor admits.
"Let's go back to Escala" Christian says a few minutes later.
The ride back to Escala is quiet but the tension in the air is thick. I can't help but wonder why someone would want my journal; what would they hope to accomplish with it? I cringe at the thought of someone reading my journal; it wasn't only vivid recounts of nightmares but also memories of the beatings when sometimes panic would take over. I had completely forgotten about the journal until Christian asked me about seeing a therapist; I stopped writing in it so long ago because I didn't feel it was helping. I should have gotten rid of it then; I don't know why I held onto it.
"Baby, I will find who did this" Christian vows as we sit in the great room at Escala.
"How?" I ask.
"I don't know" he sighs. "But I promise you I will find the person who took your journal."
"Christian….what if they take it to the media when they learn of our engagement? Oh my God, then everyone will know…." I gasp.
"I won't let them" he promises. "I don't care if I have to buy every newspaper and media outlet, they will not print details of what happened to you."
"Ana? Can I ask you something?" Taylor comes into the great room some time later as Christian and I zone out with the television on neither of us really paying attention to it.
"Of course Taylor" I sit up so I'm no longer laying against Christian.
"Was your name on the journal?" Taylor asks.
"No" I say after thinking about it.
"Are you sure?" he asks.
"Yes….I never put my name on it because I was afraid someone would find it or I would leave it when I was between places to live" I assure him.
"That was a smart move" Christian rubs my back.
"Is anyone's name mentioned in the journal that could be linked back to you?" Taylor asks.
"No, I never used his name" I answer confidently; I can barely say Stephen's name now, there was no way I could write it after a nightmare.
"We can deny anything if it gets to the media" Christian realizes.
"Exactly" Taylor points out.
"But it is my hand writing" I admit.
"Without a hand writing expert it couldn't be confirmed; they would have to analyze your current hand writing against the journal" Taylor says.
"They could still link it back to me" I sigh.
"It would be less likely, but I suppose it's a possibility" Taylor agrees.
"Thank you Taylor" Christian dismisses him.
"Christian, can I ask you something?" I lean back against him.
"Of course" he answers quickly.
"What does Taylor know about my….past?" I ask.
"I haven't told him anything" Christian says confidently, and I believe him. "I had a background check ran on you-"
"What?" I sit up.
"Don't be mad" he says cautiously. "When we first kept running into each other, I had to know who you were. I ran it after seeing you at my mother's Christmas dinner at the restaurant that night; I had to find out who you were."
"I see" I sigh.
"Baby, your background check doesn't say anything…it didn't tell me anything about what happened" he says.
"I figured as much…it's not like he took me to the hospital after he beat me" I say with disgust.
"Taylor and Welsh saw the background report, which is something I run on all my employees and really anyone I come in contact with. It was Welsh who ultimately tracked down where you were living right before you moved in with Kate" He explains.
"Okay" I reply, still uncertain how I feel about all of this.
"Other than Taylor seeing the background report he doesn't know anything" Christian says.
"But he didn't so much as flinch when I said about the nightmares" I point out.
"Ana, he has heard my nightmares over the years and unfortunately I'm sure he has heard yours…he's a smart man" Christian sighs.
"That's true" I agree.
"What are we going to do Christian?" I ask as we sit watching the sun rise through the windows.
"I don't know baby, but I'm going to figure it out" he holds me tighter against him.
After a very long night and an eventful day, I finally close my eyes and let the exhaustion take over. My mind continues to race with thoughts of my nightmares being printed on the front page of every tabloid but I have to trust in Christian and his team that they can prevent it. I don't care if the media finds out I was homeless or lived in boarding homes; I'm not ashamed or embarrassed of that. It was something I had to do in order to further my education. I'm proud of how far I have come since the days I had to live in a shelter or spend the night at a bus station. The thought of my nightmares becoming public knowledge though terrifies me to no end. I wake up some time later, alone on the couch still in the great room but now covered under a blanket. The sun is high outside the balcony doors so I know I've been sleeping for quite a while; looking at the clock my suspicions are confirmed when I see it is well past noon. I know I shouldn't be so surprised that I slept so late into the day given everything that happened the night before, but I can't remember the last time I woke for the day at noon. I decide to get up and find Christian seeing that he is no longer on the couch with me.
"Good Morn…afternoon Ana" Gail greets me as I enter the kitchen.
"Hi Gail…do you know where Christian is?" I ask.
"Mr. Grey and Taylor have been in Mr. Grey's office most of the morning" she answers.
"Thanks" I say.
I walk down the hallway to Christian's office where I hear several voices coming from before it suddenly gets quiet again. I cautiously knock on the door not wanting to interrupt if he is in an important meeting with people from his office.
"Come in Ana" Taylor opens the door.
"Hi baby" Christian kisses me on the cheek.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"We just finished a conference call from Barney and Welsh, come sit down and I will explain everything that is going on" he ushers me to the couch.
"If you need me sir" Taylor says leaving the room.
"Thank you Taylor" Christian says.
"You seem much calmer than I expected" I observe.
"I feel calmer" He smiles. "We've been very busy over the last couple of hours. We have contacted every major newspaper in the Seattle area and have offered them a deal they cannot refuse should someone contact them with information about you."
"A deal?" I ask confused.
"Let me start at the beginning…so both assume that whoever took the journal did so with the intention of taking it to the media. I promised each media outlet an exclusive interview with pictures after a very important announcement is made in early June to publisher who brings me the person who tries to ruin your name" Christian says proudly.
"I'm shocked…I don't know what to say" I admit.
"You don't have to say anything" he kisses me on the cheek. "Reporters have been after me for years to give an exclusive interview. I keep my private life very private and almost every interview I have ever conducted is the exact same. My plan is that we meet with the paper who helps us nab this bastard the morning of the Coping Together Gala providing them with the exclusive details of our engagement as well as an engagement picture. It will be a short interview, but something that they will be instructed to publish online at the exact time we arrive at the gala therefore giving them the edge on all the other reporters."
"So now we just sit back and wait?" I ask.
"Yes" he sighs. "But baby, trust me this plan will work. People will care more about getting an interview with us than a journal that they can't even be certain belonged to you."
"How do they know about us?" I ask.
"Apparently we were pictured last night outside the restaurant" he smiles.
"I didn't even notice a photographer" I admit.
"There wasn't one" he explains. "A customer recognized me and took a picture with their phone of us having dinner. That person happened to be a reporter who wasn't working at the time but they ran with the story anyway."
"Is it bad?" I cringe.
"No, here see if yourself" he leads me over to his computer monitor.
Sure enough, there is a picture of us sitting at the restaurant last night holding hands. The headline reads: Is Christian Grey finally taken? Stay tuned ladies as we learn more…
"It's not as bad as I expected" I admit.
"Me either" he agrees.
"You really think this plan will work?" I ask hesitantly.
"I do" he says confidently. "The only motivation someone would have for taking the journal is to tear you apart in the media hoping I will leave you rather than have my name linked to it. I think they assume I don't know about what happened to you or that I'm so selfish that I would leave you because someone printed something bad about you. They obviously don't know how much I love you."
"What if they try to blackmail me?" I ask.
"Welsh thought that might be a possibility….if they try to blackmail either of us chances are they will do so with the threat of going to the media. Given our arrangement with the media outlets we will call their bluff, once they go to the media we will arrange a meeting through them to meet with the individual" he explains.
"Did the police find any prints at the apartment?" I ask.
"No," he sighs. "Whoever did this knew how to break into the apartment without causing any damage and knew enough not to leave any fingerprints behind."
"I see" I say disappointed.
"Let's not think about that right now" He hugs me tight against him. "Let's go grab some lunch or I guess for you some breakfast."
The next couple of days pass by quietly; there is no contact from any media outlet about the journal nor has anyone received a blackmail threat. We plan to have Christian's family over for dinner on Friday night to announce our engagement; we wanted to do it earlier but his mother is working evenings until then plus with everything going on it seemed like it would be a good idea to wait a few days to see if anything came about with the journal. The first couple of days went by very slowly; it was almost as if we were waiting for something to happen. As the days passed by and nothing happened, I started to relax a little. Friday arrives before I know it and I spend the day helping Gail prepare dinner and make the chocolate cake for desert that I have tried to make several times now but without success.
"Wow baby….you're a mess" Christian laughs coming into the kitchen as Gail puts the cake in the oven.
"You're home early" I kiss him before wiping my flour covered hands on his face.
"I thought I would come home to see if you need help before everyone gets here for dinner" he smiles.
"Gail and I have everything just about covered" I explain.
"Do I smell chocolate?" Christian asks.
"It's for desert" I warn.
"Gail, do you need my fiancé's assistance any longer or can I take her upstairs and clean her up?" Christian asks.
"I can handle the rest Mr. Grey" Gail smiles.
In one quick movement, Christian picks me up and carries me up the steps taking me into his room before setting me down. The sexual tension between us is thick; we haven't been intimate since the night he held my wrists behind my back. He's been working late hours, often coming to bed after me but in reality I think he has been avoiding the intimacy because of what happened. He hasn't wanted to talk about it but really neither have I. I wrap my arms around Christian's neck, leaning up and kiss his soft lips, slowly running my tongue along them. I can feel him holding back, his body is tense but I don't stop; I gently push my tongue into his mouth just as my hand finds his hard erection between us. He gasps, but his hands don't move from my hips however his tongue slowly begins to respond to mine. Gaining more confidence, I reach between us and unbutton his pants pushing them down so they fall to his ankles. I take his suit jacket off before unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it down his arms. He stands before me naked, but his lips remain the only thing touching me. I step back from him, leaving him breathless as I take off my own clothes leaving them in a pile on the floor next to his. I step back to him, standing so close to him that his erection is against my sex and my breasts push against his chest.
"Christian….I miss you baby" I nip at his ear, rubbing my sex against his hard erection.
"Oh God…I've missed you" His hands slowly wrap about my back, holding me close to him.
"I want you" I tell him.
"I don't want to hurt you" he whispers.
"You won't" I assure him.
"But what if I do something again?" he asks worried.
"Just don't hold my wrists" I tell him.
"I won't, I promise" he vows.
"Then you won't hurt me" I say.
"But…." He stutters.
"Do you want me?" I ask bluntly.
"Every day, all day" he answers.
"Make love to me Christian" I blush but manage to get the words out.
Apparently that's all it takes, seconds later his mouth crushes against mine as his hands roam up and down my body. He leads me to the bed, his mouth never leaving mine as we climb onto it and lay down next to each other. After several days of not feeling Christian's hands on me, my body responds quickly. I can feel his erection coated with my juices as he rubs it back and forth against me. He urges me onto my back before moving above me.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh" I moan as his lips find my nipple, sucking it hard.
"You're so wet" Christian says, making me blush deeply.
"Christian….please" I pant.
"I got you baby" he says thrusting into me in one swift move.
He moves in and out of me slowly, staying deep inside of me and never pulling completely out. His lips never leave mine, my hands roam his back and his firm ass as he continues to drive me closer to the edge. Our connection is different today; he is gentler, almost as if he is trying to show me how much he loves me in his movements. He never holds my wrists, not that I expected him to after what happened the last time we were together but I know he was concerned about it.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh" I moan as he rubs against my clit, pushing himself in deeper.
"You feel so good" he nips at my ear.
"Christian….I'm so close….Please" I beg.
"With me baby" he thrusts into me harder which sends us both over the edge as we moan loudly finding our release together.
"I love you" I say breathless as he continues to move slowly in and out of me.
"I love you so much Ana" he kisses me deeply. "I could stay like this all night."
"We would miss dinner with your parents then" I point out.
"Who cares, I'm going to stay right here" he continues to move himself inside of me.
"How about for now, we get ready for dinner but later we resume this" I say tightening around him.
"Oh, don't do that baby…" he moans as I feel him twitch inside of me.
"Dinner with your parents," I say firmly.
"If we must" he slowly withdraws from me before helping me stand up.