Brittany – 26th June 2016
I'm home for a month now.
Lima, Ohio. Born and raised. It doesn't feel like home anymore.
Santana was my home. No matter where we were, but it always felt like home. Now she is in NY and everything that's left is a sweater, I took out of her closet.
Should I feel ashamed because I took something out of her closet? Yes.
Do I rather feel ashamed than have nothing from her? Definetly.
Our reunion threw me off track. She is even more beautiful than I remembered. God, hearing her voice was like music to my ears. I would do anything so she would talk to me again, but it happened too much. I hurt her and it kills me everyday.
While I pity myself, my phone starts vibrating. Rachel.
"Hey", I greet her friendly and sit down in my car.
"Hi, what are you doing right now?"
"I'm driving through our old hood, why did they rebuild the whole city, but our high school is ugly as ever?", I complain, hear a laugh on the phone, which doesn't belong to Rachel.
I could recognize her laugh everywhere.
"Sorry, I'm cooking and have you on speaker", she says before she talks to Santana again.
Even after four years I still have butterflies in my stomach, I just need to think about her. We never said 'I love you' to each other. As friends yes, but not as lovers. At first I thought I love her like I love Rach, but it's so much deeper.
I love her more than my own life. I would love to tell her that, but it wouldn't help her or me. Santana cut me out of her life and I think it's time that I move on, too.
"Britt, you're still there?", Rachel brings me back into reality.
"Yeah…yes, why did you call?"
"I want to invite you to New York to my big 4th of July party. I know you don't want to travel to NY, I understand this, but you would make me really happy."
New York Is huge and loud and drove me insane after nearly two days. Big cities aren't good for me.
"I don't think Santana would be okay with it, but thanks for the invite", I decline her offer. I respect her limits. She doesn't want to see me anymore, she made that clear.
"S is out of town with her boyfriend, so your sleeping place is safe. Please Britt, now that you've got the time you can come visit. I'll be your guide and show you all the fancy places and the bars."
It sounds tempting. More tempting than spending time with my family. My older brother is out of town and my parents make me tired, already.
"Count me in, I think I'll be there on Thursday, is it okay?"
"That's awesome. I'm really looking forward, Britt."
Suprisingly I'm looking forward, too. Another week here would make me crazy. My parents pity me and it feels like the whole neighbourhood knows it. Every day someone asks me if I'm fine and how I deal with it.
It's not like my father plays a big part in this mess.
\\\
Brittany - 30th June 2016
After two days of driving, with sleeping, eating and peeing breaks I finally made it to New York. The traffic makes me crazy already.
I love my Ford Ranger more than anything else, but with this traffic I'm scared that Mary Jane will die sooner or later. She's 8 years old so not the youngest anymore. She's my first car, I can tell so many stories where the car is involved, and mostly they involve Santana, too.
I park the Pick Up in the parking lot in front of the buliding and get out of the car to get my bag and my backpack. When I turn around, Rachel stands in front of the apartment complex.
"I want to be welcomed like this every time from now on", I call, lock my car, take my things and walk to Rachel, where we share a long embrace.
"I can do that every day, but you have to stay in New York for this."
"You got a point there", I joke, as she takes my bag and we start walking up the stairs. Rachel asks about my trip, how I feel and we have little conversation about her day.
"Don't wonder, Santana's still there. No worries, she knows that you're coming."
Her words let me stop immediately. As fast as I can, I take the sweater off. It's the one I stole from her closet. Wouldn't be the best if she sees me with it.
"What's up with you?", Rach asks amused as I take the bag from her and put the sweater in it.
"It's just hot, nothing else", I shrug and so Rach walks on, me right behind her. As soon as we enter the loft I smell her pafurme again. She has to be in the hallway a few seconds ago, I would recognize it everywhere.
I get a smile on my face. I gave it to her on Valentines Day and she brought again and again. I remember that she wore it the last time we saw each other.
"We are here!", my friend shouts across the apartment, while we're walking into the open living room.
"Hey", Santana meets my eyes for like a second before she turns to Rachel, "Have you seen my white sweater? The one with the black rose on the sleeve?"
My eyes go wide and Rachel looks at me. Barely noticebale I shake my head.
"No, I bet you forgot it at Sam's or you lost it, wouldn't be the first time", Rachel covers me. She knows that I wore this sweater a few minutes ago. This could have been awkward.
"Probably…well I move on with packing", she goes into her room, closes the door.
"We put your things in my room, you can sleep there, I take Santana's…so you won't borrow another piece of clothing from her", she mumbles the last part and I follow her into the room.
"Do you want to explain, why you have her sweater?", she asks with her arms crossed in front of her chest and a lopsided smile on her face.
"I don't know what you're talking about. What are we doing today?", I try to change the subject, but no chance.
"Well, I could always ask Santana."
"I was alone in your apartment and I took the chance. I know it was stupid and I'm sorry."
"I'm pretty sure San would do the same."
"I just want something that reminds me of her."
"You don't need to explain yourself. I still see you two, married, with a house and kids."
Rachel was the only one, who knew about us. It was hard, playing hide and seek all the time. Rachel was a big help in this mess.
"I would be fine as friends…I miss her as a person in my life."
She was the most important person in my life and I don't want to miss her anymore. Four years without her were a living hell.
"You already start thinking too much, Britt. I cleaned up some space in my closet. Put your things there and then we go out. We do the whole tourist thing and then we go drinking and you can meet some of my friends."
"Sounds good, thank you", I smile and then I'm alone.
Alright, Brittany. You turn off your head and start enjoying New York.
/
Santana – 1st July 2016
"I've never been in Texas", I take in everything after wie left the plane and I can have a first look at Dallas with both feet at the ground.
"Hmm", Sam only mumbles, still typing in his phone. He was already distracted on the airplane, barely said anything.
We took his parents private jet. They love me and I love them. His parents and his sisters immediately gave me a warm welcome.
"What's so interesting on your phone, so you can't say a word to me?", I try to take a peak, but he's a feet taller than me, so he's holding up the phone high enough that I can't see anything.
"Just business", the blonde replies, but after more than a year I know him well enough, he lies.
"What are you hiding, baby? You can tell me everything", I stroke is arm until I find his hand.
"Nothing, everything's fine."
"I know that you're lying. You're stressed and I finally want to know why" I stop walking and because we're holding hands he stops, too.
"Is there another woman?", I raise an eyebrow, see how his facial expression changes, "What am I doing here, Sam? Why are you dragging me here, when there is another one?", I cross my arms in front of my chest, try to hide that if fucking hurts right now.
"There's no one else", he shakes his head.
"Don't lie to me Sam. I know that you're hiding something. The sooner we are honest with each other, the faster I'll be gone and we don't have to see each other again."
I'm sad and angry at the same time. I was really looking forward to this weekend, but it looks like it's going to be a disaster.
"I love you, really. You have to believe me."
"But? Tell me what's going on, I'm going crazy. Is your new girl a hooker and your parents wouldn't approve her?", I growl because I lose my patience.
"I'm gay!", he yells at me.
Thank god we took the private jet and the whole crew is still in there, so it's just the two of us outside.
"What?"
"Or bi, I don't know", he shakes his head and his smile disappears.
I know exactly what it's like when you don't know who you are, anymore.
/
Santana – 22nd July 2011
My eyes are back on her. Her eyes, her boobs, her ass. I adore her like she's a goddess.
"Your leering is noticeable, if you ask me", Rachel pokes me and passes me a can of coke.
"I'm not leering", I look somewhere else, open the can.
"It's not the first time I catch you doing it in the last weeks."
How couldn't I? We have holidays and it's fucking hot outside, so most of the times we're at Rachel's using her pool. I see Britt in her bikini like all the time and it's a pretty amazing view.
"I don't know what's going on, since my birthday party I'm always thinking about her, no matter what I do. Even when I have sex with Puck. Urgh…why does it has to be complicated?"
"Your kisses looked everything but innocent, I sensed it back then."
"It weren't the kisses. You know that she stayed the night and when I'm drunk I get clingy. Well I cuddled into her and be my annoying self until she put her arm around me. It felt nice falling asleep with her. I've never felt this way", I try to explain it to Rach. I don't know if she gets it.
We slept together in a bed for a hundred times, but this time it was different.
"You never talk about Noah like this. Maybe it's a sign to end things with him and try to figure out whats up with Britt."
"B has no interest in me. I'm not getting weird about this", I roll my eyes, push myself up from the lounger and join Brittany in the pool.
My feelings will go away and everything will stay normal.
/
Santana – 1st July 2016
"Come here", I pull him into my arms.
"I'm lost, baby", he mumbles into my hair, while I stroke his back.
"We figure something out…together. I'm here for you."
His parents are conservative. If they had any say in our relationship, we would be married already and a kid on the way.
"I have an idea. Your driver can take our bags to the villa and we go for a walk, how does that sound?"
"Sounds amazing."
After a few minutes the chauffeur drives us a little bit outside of the town so we can talk in private.
At first we're just walking without talking, hand in hand, explore a little bit of Dallas until Sam clears his throat.
"How did you realize, that you like boys and girls?"
We never talked about it. I told him on one of our first dates, that I also had a relationship and some little flings with women.
"There was a girl, Brittany. Rachel, her and I…we were best friends", I start talking, swallow the lump in my throat. I never talk about Britt, but I think Sam needs my help right now and maybe this story will help him.
"On my 17th birhtday we played spin the bottle and we had to kiss. It wasn't a 'I'm getting over with it fast- kiss', it was a real one. My boyfriend back then wasn't happy with it and left right after midnight. I didn't want to be alone and she drank a few, so I suggest she could sleep at my house. You know how I am when I'm tipsy or drunk. In the end we fell asleep arm in arm. A few hours later I was awake first and I looked at here and I don't know, I never felt anything like this before. I was happy, fucking happy."
It's a lot, bringing back those memories, but Sams hand is laying more relaxed in mine so it helps him at least.
"It took me quite the time and many sleepless nights until I was honest and told her about my feelings. But then I felt relieved, because it was the right thing."
"And what did she say? Did she freak out?"
"She tried to tell my it's just friendship for her but you could feel the tension between us and someday she gave in and we tried it."
Sam leads me to a bench, where we sit down.
"Her family is strictly religious so we had to hide the relationship. It was exhausting, but worth it…she was worth it."
"And what happened in the end? I mean you never mentioned her name. You're still in contact with her?"
"We went separate ways you couldn't combine."
I'm not tearing up this wound again, for no one.
"Is she outed now?"
"I don't think so."
Brittany always took the easy way. Run.
"And you? Does your family know?"
"Yeah, my parents are pretty easy, they just want me to be happy."
"Sounds good, I'm happy for you", he puts his arm around me, pulls me to his chest.
"But enough about me. You want to tell me, why you think you're bi or gay or whatever?"
"I have this feeling for a little while, now. I love you, I really do. You're awesome and I'm happy with you, it's just…I don't know how to put this into words."
I feel sorry for Sam, I've been in this position, too.
"I get you, really. If you're not ready to talk about it yet, then it's okay."
"I've been in contact with a guy I met on instagram a few weeks ago."
"Show him", I order and without hesitation he puts out his phone, shows me Sebastians account.
Handsome guy. Dark hair, maybe as tall as Sam, muscular.
"You're not mad? I know how jealous I get when something looks at you in the wrong way so why are you that relaxed?"
"Because I want to help you. You're going through a lot right now and I feel honored that you share this with me. We find a solution together, babe."
"So you playing along with my family?"
"Playing along? I love you and I'm happy with you. Let's enjoy the weekend and after this we're working on this thing with Sebastian."
"You're incredible", he shakes his head and kisses me deeply, "From now on I will be honest about everything. And if you ever have any problems, just tell me and I will help you…always."
Maybe this is the end of our relationship, but also a start of a friendship that lasts till the end.