Someone made a comment, that I should start looking for a beta, because I make some mistakes. Thank you for telling me so I can approve. I messaged some people before I published this story who are betas but I think they aren't active anymore so I ask you, if someone knows someone who knows someone who knows someone, who is a beta and would like to help me, write me a message, I would appreciate it! :)

Until then I will still update and try my best to make not so many mistakes. :)

Brittany - 17th November 2016

I'm not in a good mood when I leave work. I love my job, but today I could have lived without every costumer. Every time I hope to see Santana walking through the door, but it's wishful thinking. We haven't seen each other since we kissed. When I met with Rachel, she wasn't around and when I asked if she wants to do something, she turned me down. I don't like it. She's building up walls.

I thought I made my point clear, but it looks like I upset her.

Why does this woman need to be so awfully complicated? Probably I love her because of it. It's not easy with her, but it never gets boring. I miss her, maybe I should have kissed her back and let it happen.

I bet that she won't be here tonight when Rachel and I have a movie night. Our best friend suffers because of this whole situation, I know it. Rachel always stands between us and that's not fair.

I buy two bottles of wine and some snacks before I drive to the apartment. Rachel lets me in and greets me on the doorstep. I follow her into the kitchen, where I see that the tablet is set for three people.

"Is Finn joining us?", I ask and put down the grocery bags.

"No, Santana will be back from a casting in a few and would eat with us, is this okay for you?"

"She lives here, it would be mean to say no", I joke and see a little smile on Rachels face. She is like a couple therapist, and she does it for free.

We currently sit at the dining table and prepare our wraps when we hear the door getting unlocked.

"I'm right here, just a second", she shouts and a few minutes later she sits with us, eating her wrap.

"Should I ask?"

"Please don't, I would be ruining the mood", the Latina shakes her head.

"You can let it out. I can leave if you want to complain in private with Rachel."

I hope she doesn't hold back because I'm here.

"I'm not good enough for anything. This casting was the 22nd this month, right Rachel? Nobody wants me, nobody needs me, there is always someone better than me", she is completely frustrated, while Rachel looks at me completely helpless. I bet she doesn't know what to say anymore because she heard it so many times.

"Many people don't see talent when it's right in front of them. Someday in the future they will kill each other so they can have you and then you'll reject every single one of them because you are much better than anyone of these stupid producers", I try my luck with the pep talk.

"What makes you so sure of it? I wait for my breakthrough for years now, and I see no happy end in the future."

"Because you are special, just like your talent. You never give up. Maybe it will take another five years, but then you will be successful and famous, and you show everyone that you are the best."

"Thank you, that's sweet of you", her glance softens, and I get to see a smile. My smile.

With a pleasant silence we eat together, clean everything, and prepare the living room for the movie night and then we sit together on the couch. Rachel took the armchair, so Santana and I need to share the couch. I'm glad it's big enough for us, so we have our personal space, without touching each other. When I come back from the toilet, I hear that the movie already started.

"Someone got some taste, finally", I applaud Rachel because she could pick the first movie. Spiderman is a classic and normally Rachel isn't a fan of the movie series. I don't know why; I mean besides 27 Dresses this is the best movie.

"Santana won rock, paper, scissors and chose it", R rolls her eyes, while San pats her shoulder proudly.

"You did good", I appreciate her choice. When you look at Santana, being a total nerd is the last thing one my mind, but I love this side of her.

Well, I love every side.

20 minutes of the movie are over, and Rachel already made a snarky comment about every scene. When her phone lights up, she looks lovingly at the name on the screen and takes the call.

"You save me", she talks in the phone and stands up, throwing her blanket at me before she walks into her room.

"How can we be friends with her?", I look to my left, where Santana sits. She looks like she spaced out.

"You alright?", I smaller the distance between us so I can poke her.

"Hm?", she flinches, looks at me like she saw a ghost.

"What's up? Do you feel uncomfortable? I can leave?"

I hope I'm not the problem, but it looks like it. I mean she didn't avoid me for two weeks for nothing.

"What? No, oh my god, no. It has nothing to do with you, I'm glad you're here."

"Then why did you avoid me?"

"Because I was scared that I fucked up on Halloween with the kiss."

I sigh because of relief; I didn't do anything wrong. Hallelujah.

"If I gave you this feeling, then I'm sorry. I wanted to kiss you…you don't know how badly I wanted to, but I was a coward. Maybe you only wanted to kiss me because you were drunk and high, so I didn't want to do anything wrong", I explain my reticence on that night.

"I wanted it, because all my thoughts are about you. Every day, every night, every fucking second, I think about you. Probably I hadn't kissed you sober, but I definitely wanted it…I still want to kiss you", she bites her lip, breaks our eye contact.

"I don't know why you still want me in your life after everything that happened", I shake my head. I just don't get it.

"Because I can't live without you. I tried to forget you, push you away, hate you, but it didn't work. Instead, I ask myself every day, why I let you go. If I would have been more patient and supported you more, than you wouldn't have join the army, right?"

This honest conversation is a lot to handle, but I think it's good that we finally talk.

"It's not your fault. It was my decision, I left because I wanted to, not because you pushed me away or put me under pressure."

She doesn't need to know what exactly happened. It's in the past.

"And now? Would you still want this with us? I mean being a couple?"

"It never changed, Santana. I can replace my parent or change their way of thinking and you know family is most important for me."

I wish they would accept us, but or relationship is still rocky because of this.

"We could be a family, too…you, me and Rachel I guess?"

"This sounds cute and creepy at the same time, but how do you think this would work? Should I look for new parents, too?"

"I don't know, we could find it out. You would always have my back, no matter who says something against us."

"A dwarf could give me more protection", I joke.

"I'm not much shorter than you and you know I'm strong enough to kick some asses, I still do it Lima Heights."

Santana is like a mother lion. Of course, I tell someone, when I don't like something, but in school Santana did this job, and she did it pretty well.

"Mainly you would need to kick my ass. Although I don't know, if we should risk it again and maybe lose in the end. I care too much about you to mess this up again."

I could never forgive myself if I break her heart again.

"You need to take a risk for happiness and for you I would to that…again…and again…and again."

While she talks, San comes closer with her body. Our hands touch each other on the backrest, and I feel her breath on my lips. Her eyes shoot right through my body.

"And what if we can't find a solution and it doesn't work out, again?"

I have doubts for a reason. I don't doubt Santana but myself. Maybe I'll never be able to come out and tell my parents that she is my girlfriend.

"We are two adults, we will learn to live with it", she is more optimistic than I am.

"I don't want to hurt you, San", I mumble and close my eyes. I feel her hand on my cheek, drawing circles with her thumb.

"Just let it happen and- "

"Alright, let's move on with this horrible-…oh sorry, am I interrupting? Is this the 'we are back together'- talk?", Rachel grins like crazy and I roll my eyes.

"This is about, how we punish you because you ruin the movie", Santana replies with a smile and even I chuckle.

"I would believe this, but the hearts in your eyes tell me different. I leave you alone, yeah? You can give me sign when you are finished", she gives us thumbs up and goes back into her room.

"I need fresh air", I stand up abruptly, but tan fingers find my wrist quickly.

"Can we finish this talk, Britt?"

"What do you want to hear? I can never give you, what you want or deserve."

Her face gets angry. Upset she stands up, her handgrip around my wrist gets tighter. It doesn't hurt, but now I can't get out of it easily.

"I want you, just you. Got dammit, Britt! Stop looking for excuses. I'm scared, too, but we can't live without each other. You said it before, you want me. And I want you."

"I don't deserve you. I don't want you to live with fear, that I might leave you, every day."

"Can I decide for myself? I want you… all of you, with all consequences and everything."

"Santana", I sigh and run a hand through my hair, "You don't know what you get yourself into."

"I know exactly what I get myself into and this is what I want…just you, no one else. Please, Britt."

"Can we take a walk? I need a clear head", I try to be more open about the idea of talking more and again I see my smile.

This smile could heal cancer.

"Okay", she agrees and so we put our clothes on and start walking through the dark winter evening. It's cold, although I wear beanie, scarf, hand gloves and a winter coat.

"Aren't you freezing?", I take a look at my ex, who wears not enough clothes in my opinion.

"A little bit", she shrugs, so I put my arm around her shoulder and pull her to my side.

"Mission accomplished", she giggles and her arm wraps around my waist.

"You need to be sure, 1000 percent sure, that you want me. Be aware of what is coming to you, I- "

"You are perfect", she interrupts me, "Stop talking bad about yourself, you can't scare me away."

I fight with myself. I don't want to hurt her again. I couldn't forgive myself.

Arm in arm we walk along in silence. After what feels like an eternity we are back in front of the loft. We haven't said a word, I was too lost in my thoughts.

"Are you coming up?"

"I don't think so. I need to get up early and I'm tired."

She doesn't say anything, but I can read her face.

"Can you give me an answer at least?", she asks hesitantly after we simply looked at each other for three minutes. So, I just say what comes up in my mind first.

"I love you."

"Excuse me?", her eyes get wide, so I repeat my words.

"I love you."

"I'm sorry, if I didn't get the memo, but why are you saying this now?", she is completely confused.

"It's the truth."

"I love you, too, but I'm still lost here right now."

She loves me. These words do something with me. I don't know why, but I get hot and I'm pretty sure my cheeks aren't red, because it's cold outside.

We never said it to each other. Of course, we were together for only seven months, but it happened so fast and intense. I loved her back then, but I missed the right time to tell her that.

And now I was scared that she would reject me. It might sound ridiculous, but no one ever told me, that they love me. My family doesn't count, same goes for Rachel.

Her words mean the world to me right know, and I need to concentrate really hard, so I don't start crying.

"You really love me?", I need to hear it again.

"I told you this on Independence Day and I tell you again: I love you, Britt."

"You told me on Independence Day?"

I can't remember much from this night, especially not a certain Latina telling me, she loves me.

"When you had this panic attack and I found you. We argued a little bit and then I told you, that I loved you and I stopped, because you can't even love yourself. But we both know that I love you for a long time now, and it never really stopped…never will."