Chapter Three: Pedophile Hickeys

Naruto was walking along to the academy, where the chūnin exam would take place. Their sensei had, for some unbelievable reason, given his team the forms on the date of the exam.

It was like Kakashi was trying to force them to participate, which left Naruto feeling cheated. The damn fool hadn't even taught them anything but tree walking and Naruto had mastered that when he was five!

Well, in his old world he had. This world just seemed to be pathetic. Damned cyclops ninja.

The blonde heard some shouts and walked ahead, seeing some dude in a kabuki suit holding up the Hokage's grandson and threatening him. "You know," Naruto said, surprising everyone with his presence, "Threatening the Hokage's grandson could possibly lead to war between the Hidden Leaf and the Hidden Sand."

The kabuki dude with makeup wisely dropped Konohamaru. "Besides, we're much better than you fools. How are you still part of Five Great Hidden Villages?"

The kabuki dude growled. "I'll get you for insulting my home! Karasu will deal with you nicely!"

The blonde girl behind him scolded him for his rashness and Naruto wondered where the hell the ANBU were. Seriously, what the hell? Threatening the Hokage's grandson wasn't considered serious?

Naruto then noticed Sasuke pop up in a nearby tree. He also noticed the Sand girl slightly blush at his presence. Good god, not another fangirl. Please, not another fangirl.

Then Naruto noticed something... interesting.

Namely Gaara, which translates to "oh look, another jinchūriki, only this one's insane".

Sasuke's eyes widened at Gaara sneaking up on him. The Sand jinchūriki did the whole "shut up or I'll kill you" thing, a catchphrase which was totally stolen by the Fifth Mizukage.

As Gaara jumped down, Naruto looked him over closely.

Then he said something that caused all three Sand genin to stop in their tracks as they turned to leave. Yes, he said it before Sasuke asked for Gaara's name.

"The kabuki guy is wearing makeup, the fan-girl is quite possibly a fangirl, and- Gaara, was it? Yeah, Gaara- is spewing out killing intent like it's going out of fashion. People would stop going on guard if you turned it off, dumbass."

Interestingly enough, Kankuro's face went from angry to ashen, as did Temari's. Gaara merely turned to him. "What is your name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, the best ninja ever. And don't even laugh at me since it's true. I could beat everyone here without breaking a sweat."

"I am Gaara of the Sand. My siblings are Kankuro and Temari. I will enjoy killing you, Naruto Uzumaki."

"Yeah? Tell Shukaku that he, she, or whatever gender it chooses can kiss my ass."

This had Kankuro and Temari gape at the blonde. Naruto gave them all a charming smile and walked ahead, inviting Sasuke and Sakura to follow, who were both also gaping at the blonde boy.

"He's insane."

I know. That was the point.

Then they reached the chūnin exam room. You know, the place that had a genjutsu over it. Yep, Sasuke decided to spill the secret to everyone. "Are you an idiot?"

"What are you talking about, dobe?"

"You fucking realize that every half-assed team is going to be admitted to the first part of the exam now, right?"

Sasuke stared at him for a few moments before swearing loudly. Satisfied, Naruto went forward to move through the dumb chūnin guarding the door when Lee popped up, confessed how attractive Sakura was, and asked Sasuke to challenge him.

Sasuke lost.

Naruto laughed and said "I told you so, dumbass."

After some shenanigans, Team 7 entered the first exam area with Kakashi's blessing. Naruto scanned the crowd of genin and groaned. "What the fuck? These are genin? Good god, all of you look like shit! I could fucking beat everyone here without even trying!"

"Shut up, Naruto-baka!" Sakura hissed. "People are glaring at us!"

"Yeah? Is that a challenge? If anyone wants to get their ass kicked, I'll deliver the boot."

"That was horrible."

Naruto paused for a moment, looking at everyone. "God damn, there isn't even anyone attractive in here! Come on, aren't the chūnin exams supposed to have a diversity of people? It feels like a damned sausage-fest."

Kiba burst out laughing. Ino glomped on Sasuke, Sakura got pissed off at her, and then Kabuto confronted them, telling the Rookie 9 (or 12?) how they should calm down. They were rookies and people were pissed off at them for no conceivable reason except for the fact that their pride was wounded. You're a ninja, who cares about pride?

Naruto nearly snarled. Kabuto was incredibly annoying. The man was a fucking insect. He never died no matter how much you threw at him. He always came scuttling back with something new to annoy you with.

He was tempted to remove Kabuto now, but he had to find out what his plan was.

Anyway, Kabuto showed these cards off and some stupid explanation about how failing the chūnin exams six times in his life somehow gave him information on this years participants. He was charming and had an easy-going personality, letting many people lower their guard immediately.

Naruto was not most people, but when Kiba asked for info on him, he drew the line. Naruto 'accidentally' had Kabuto lose the card. How?

He snatched it from Kabuto's hand and tore it up. "Too slow, bastard."

Then Kabuto made a quirk about Sound, which caused the Sound-nin to rush him.

Ibiki then appeared, deciding to take the reins and start the exam.

Naruto looked around. Hinata was next to him and some other people were gripping their test in shock. He supposed that, to genin and some chūnin, the test would be ridiculously difficult, but not him.

What made him confused was the fact that the exam had a paper test. Seriously? If genin and chūnin weren't liable to know this, the-

Oh, he thought.

"I was wondering when you'd get it."

Oh...

Naruto added bullshit to his answers and then drew a gigantic penis on the back of the test. Naruto thought that if he was stuck in an immature body, he had permission to act immature. Not that he didn't already.

Personally, he (and probably Kurama) wanted the body to hurry up and grow so he could stop looking like such a brat.

That and another, more physical reason.

"Teams blah, blah, and blah, you fail." That wording kept popping up as more and more teams were eliminated. Finally, time ran out.

"Are you ready for the tenth question?" Ibiki asked. Then he did his little speech, causing people to shout in outrage.

Naruto took a quick look around and saw that several people were about to pussy out.

Wimps.

"Good god, is that the best you can do?" Naruto said. "The chūnin exams are exercises in politics, dumbasses. Attempting to strike past the restrictions set forth by the other nations would result in war. You can't keep a genin of another nation a genin. It's not possible. Even then, if you could, they could probably get promoted on the field. Man the hell up, you wusses."

Ibiki glared at him. "You want to push the issue, punk?"

"Umm... yes? Yeah, I think I do, scarface."

After a few, tense moments, Ibiki smirked at him. "Kid, you've got a pair down there. As for the question... everyone passes!"

Everyone stared. So Naruto took it upon himself to explain the situation with a gratuitous amount of swearing.

Then Anko popped in. She was about to make her introduction, but Naruto beat her to the punch. Well, kind of.

"THANK GOD, A WOMAN WITH A BODY."

Anko turned to the blonde. "Ibiki, who's this brat?"

Ibiki shuffled through some papers before responding, "Naruto Uzumaki."

"Ah..." Then she threw a kunai at his cheek. No normal genin would be able to catch it, but Naruto snatched it out of the air, twirling it by its ring.

"Nice try, trench coat. I'm a step above these genin."

Anko smirked. "I like you, brat. You get a front row seat. Follow me, to Training Field Forty-Four! I don't care if that doesn't rhyme!"

She grabbed Naruto and vanished in a Body Flicker. Sasuke and Sakura stared.

They had been doing that fairly often lately. Everyone had, actually.

VvVvV

At the Forest of Death, Anko explained the second exam. "Yup. This is the combat portion of the exam. Have fun, but you need to sign these waivers so I don't get flack for any one of you being killed."

"K-killed?" Sakura stuttered.

"Yeah, pinky. You can get killed. You're a kunoichi, grow up."

Sakura appeared flustered, but quieted down. Anko handed the waivers out, got the signatures, and then handed out the scrolls. Each team went to their own special gate and waited until Anko screamed "sexy-time with Naru-chan" to start.

Once Team 7 ran through the gate, Sakura turned to Naruto and asked, "Did she really just say that?"

"God, I hope not. I tend to last much longer than that." Sakura's face turned beet red. Naruto smirked but held out a hand. "Hang on, I'm going to take a piss."

Sakura growled at his crude language, but did no more as he went out of sight. Once he was out of sight, he finished his business. A Rain genin attacked him, or tried to, right after.

Sasuke and Sakura both flinched at the loud, womanly scream that pierced the still air. Naruto came out from the brush, swinging a kunai by its ring while whistling casually. "What? Someone tried to attack me, so I removed them."

Sasuke shrugged, but Sakura gulped. "I-Is the genin... all right?"

"I hope not, else he'd be a freak. I don't think people recover from having their chest cavity removed."

Sakura appeared green after he said that, but Naruto snickered. Then they all kept moving onward and leapt onto a tree to do so.

A great wind then threatened to tear Naruto apart from his team, but he split the winds in half. A sickeningly familiar chuckle floated to his ears. Sasuke and Sakura tensed, preparing to fight whoever came to them.

Naruto frowned. Akatsuki? Here? He didn't really want to reveal his powers, but Orochimaru was incredibly annoying to kill. Fucking snake regeneration bullshit. Fucking Edo Tensei reanimation!

And Naruto thought he was overpowered. Anyway, might as well try his luck.

"Ku ku ku... my, you must be more skilled than I thought to avoid my jutsu. Maybe my snake will enjoy chewing on you." Orochimaru summoned a giant snake and with his killing intent, caused Sasuke and Sakura to become paralyzed.

"Snake's can't chew, Orochimaru." Anyone could tell it was Orochimaru. Creepy giggling and all. Snakes, etc. He just didn't have that incredibly tacky Akatsuki coat.

Which meant he wasn't in Akatsuki. Nagato was really anal about that kind of thing. "Why are you here?"

"Ku ku ku... insects need to learn their place..." He sent the snake at Naruto while he dealt with Sasuke and Sakura.

Naruto frowned as the giant snake approached, hissing angrily. Channeling chakra to his legs, Naruto jumped way above the thing, surprising it. Then he thrust his hands forward in a knife-strike, sending out an incredibly powerful blade of wind that cut the snake's face into thirds.

When Naruto turned back to Orochimaru, Sasuke was fighting him. And losing. Badly, too. That's to be expected though. S-rank vs. random genin? Yep.

Sasuke spit out fireballs that had shuriken hidden within them, along with ninja wire. Orochimaru was caught, but when the rest of the flames hit him, he turned into a mud clone.

When Orochimaru reemerged, he was somewhat surprised to see the blonde genin appear in front of him and began jabbing. 'Jabbing' wouldn't be the term for it, though. It was more like rapid-fire punches capable of shattering tree bark.

Orochimaru was stunned to see the genin attacking so fast. Despite Orochimaru's ranking, he was actually unable to strike back. What was worse was that the genin was picking up speed. His punches were becoming faster. Eventually, one attack did clip him, but Orochimaru performed a seal-less Body Replacement.

The log's explosion engulfed Naruto, but Orochimaru was again surprised at the unharmed blonde, who had an irritated expression on his face. "Taijutsu isn't that fun against you. Can you piss off, or is there something you want?"

Orochimaru stepped towards Sasuke, bit him on the neck, and started laughing. "I simply want to let you know that Sasuke-kun will come to me for power..."

Then he melted into the tree. Naruto wasn't fast enough to stop him."Fucking S-class missing-nin in a chūnin exam. Just my luck."

No one remembered Naruto's attacks against the snake. It's a plot hole, so deal with it.

Sakura was examining Sasuke, who was now screaming. Loudly, too. Naruto walked over to him, his eyes going over the mark on Sasuke's neck. "Stop being a cunt, you fool. You got a hickey from an old man, I get it. It's weird, creepy, and gives you strange desires."

Silence.

"Well, it gives him strange desires." Come on, you have to bash Sasuke and the cursed hickey at least once per story.

Naruto picked the now-unconscious Sasuke and then dragged him to some cave while Sakura set up traps.

When she returned, she noticed that there was the word 'FUCK' written on Sasuke's face. "Naruto, this is no time for games!" she whispered. Naruto shrugged. There were always times for games. Why do you think procrastinating is so much fun?

Then, twangs and curses were heard. Guess what happens next?

Naruto and Sakura ran outside to see what was going on. The Sound ninja known as Zaku (go look up a picture, I'm not thoroughly describing that idiot) walked up and said, "We're here for the Uchiha."

"You can't have him!" Sakura screamed.

"Too bad. You can't stop me, you pathetic Leaf ninja." As Zaku said this, his teammates (who will not be described either), Dosu and Kin, dropped down.

"Well, maybe that girl could stop me," Naruto muttered. He snickered as Sakura gave him an incredulous look.

"You know, let's make this shameless flirting of yours a game."

"Oh? Try me." Everyone in the clearing gave Naruto an odd look since he was apparently talking to himself.

Team Ten was watching the ordeal from a hiding spot. "Shika, we've got to help them! Forehead and Naruto are in trouble!"

"...Troublesome."

"I know, right? Come on!"

Team Ten ran in, using Chouji's rolling tank move to help clear them away. When they were split up, Lee Rock (Rock Lee sounds better) came in and tried to use his Shadow of the Dancing Leaf and Front Lotus on Dosu, but Zaku stopped that.

Sakura was being held by Kin after Ino had stopped using her Mind Body Switch Jutsu.

"How many women can you charm?"

Not jealous, are you?

"Not really, no. In fact, I'm wondering which ones you can actually get."

How many?

"Not a ridiculous amount, because that makes no sense. If we're stuck in this world, you can give me a show and enjoy yourself."

All right. You have a deal. This is probably very degrading to women, but our society is sexist.

Suddenly, Naruto moved. He moved fast. To everyone's eyes, he vanished. Three things happened right after.

One: Zaku was sent flying.

Two: Dosu was sent flying.

Three: Sakura cut her hair to escape Kin, and Kin emitted a loud, lady-like shriek.

"Wha-What the hell touched me?" Kin's body squirmed; her face was an unnatural red.

Dosu and Zaku groaned before rising. Then Sasuke appeared, covered in tattoos and a nasty-looking, purple aura. Not like the cool purple aura, but the nasty purple aura. He ran over to Zaku and broke his arms. That was totally uncalled for.

Sakura hugged him, causing the purple aura to vanish. Ino 'prepped' Sakura's hair, telling her that the hug was an excuse to get close to Sasuke.

The Sound had left a while ago, but left their scroll behind. "Hey guys, look! It's a scroll we need! Let's get out of here!"

Team Ten left to get their own scroll, as did Team Guy. Sasuke and Sakura fell into step behind Naruto as they all headed towards the tower in the middle of the forest.

VvVvV

"Welcome to the next stage of the chūnin exams. We will be having preliminaries blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Any questions?"

"What if we just got here?" Chouji asked, feeling somewhat hungry.

"That's your fault, brat. Work harder next time." Anko laughed at his downtrodden face. "Anyway, this one dude whose name I forgot- Hayate?- is going to take over the exams."

Hayate popped up, did his own introduction, and then the preliminaries started. Everyone took a spot in the balcony after the Hokage did another little speech.

Oh yeah, Kabuto left because of his 'injuries'. Naruto sent out a shadow clone to tail him. Yes, we know what Kabuto is up to, but Naruto doesn't.

The first fight was Sasuke Uchiha against Yoroi. Sasuke couldn't use his Sharingan due to Curse Seal shenanigans, nor could he use jutsu, but he used Lee's taijutsu move to lead into his newly-named Lion Combo. Win for Sasuke.

Lee wanted to sue him for copyright infringement, but that's not very youthful.

Next matchup was Shino against Zaku. Zaku ended up losing and had his arms blown off by Shino's bugs. Oh right, he plugged up the holes in his palms. That doesn't even make sense. How did he not notice bugs crawling around in his arms? That's kind of disgusting.

That was Naruto's opinion for that match.

Then it was Kankuro vs. Misumi. It turned out that Kankuro's body was a puppet that then poisoned and incapacitated Misumi. Maybe killed, who knows. Naruto's opinion was yelled very loudly, "Holy shit! He even puts makeup on dolls! Man the fuck up!"

Kankuro screamed in anger at him, but the proctor restored order in order to move on to the next match.

Sakura Haruno faced off against Ino Yamanaka next. Their battle was mostly psychological... maybe? Naruto wondered if fighting a battle of wills within your mind due to a jutsu was physical or psychological.

The battle was very disappointing. "Yeah, that was very disappointing. What the hell have you two been doing? Sakura, Kakashi said that you were good at genjutsu. Ino is a clan freaking heir. That was pathetic."

"Like you could do any better, Naruto-baka!"

"I believe I said this before, but this entire room doesn't look difficult. At all, really."

The proctor reestablished order. Kakashi returned from sealing Sasuke's Curse Seal up, but that wasn't mentioned.

The following match was Tenten against Temari. While Tenten was chucking weapons everywhere and Temari was blowing them away, Naruto turned to Sakura and said, "This is how kunoichi fight. All you and Ino did was bitch-slap each other."

Temari won and hurt Tenten fairly badly.

Shikamaru faced off against Kin next. As Kin passed Naruto, he smirked at her, causing her face to heat up. "So, did you enjoy that feeling?" he whispered as she passed.

He took great amusement in watching her blush deepen. Ah, to tease young kunoichi who weren't aware of their emotions and bodies. It was fun, but Naruto wondered where the seduction classes were. They existed to remove that handicap from kunoichi! It seemed as if Sound didn't even train their kunoichi adequately.

Anyway, Shikamaru ended up defeating Kin.

"The next match is Kiba Inuzuka against Naruto Uzumaki!"

"Ha! We've got this one in the bag, Akamaru!" Arf, arf.

Naruto scoffed and walked down the stairs as opposed to Kiba jumping off the ledge. The proctor started the match and backed away from the genin. "Come on, dead-last! You should just forfeit now! I'm totally going to beat you!"

Naruto snorted and beat his chest. "Come at me, shinobi!"

Kiba growled and rushed forward, intent on slashing Naruto's face while Akamaru circled warily.

Kurenai expected an easy win for Kiba. Naruto was the dead-last. He sucked, plain and simple.

That's why her jaw dropped when Naruto's arm blurred forward, grabbing Kiba's outstretched hand from the air. He lifted him up and over his shoulder, slamming the Inuzuka into the ground.

Akamaru tried to bite Naruto, but a clone materialized in front of the dog, grabbing it by its legs and holding it up. The dog was dangling and yapping and making all sorts of annoying noise. The clone looked pretty irritated.

"Hey, boss!"

"Yes, minion?"

"Can I shut this thing up?"

"No, minion."

"Why not?"

"We're not animal killers. That's the worst crime of them all."

The clone snorted, still holding the puppy up. A couple people were bewildered at the interaction between clone and master. Or boss. Whatever.

Kiba groaned. "Y-You bastard..."

"Do you forfeit? I have your partner in my hands and you're in no shape to continue." Naruto pulled out a kunai to emphasize his point.

Kiba forfeited and was taken away. People were amazed. Such speed! Such precision! Such a boring, quick match!

It's a Kage-level shinobi (probably beyond) against a genin. What the hell do you expect? Naruto didn't want to add to Kiba's ego and drag the battle on.

Kakashi's surprise was evident, though. "Naruto, where did you get that speed?"

Naruto shrugged. "I trained."

The next match was Neji and Hinata. Hinata was afraid and about to forfeit when Naruto interjected, like he was going to do for every match in the preliminaries. Maybe the finals, too. "Shut the fuck up and leave your bullshit out of the exam! I came here to see people fight, not to see you spill your problems! Stop making this personal, you stupid fool!"

Neji seethed. Hinata got a second wind. Hinata fought valiantly. Hinata lost. Neji tried to kill her. Naruto snorted and muttered something about poor sportsmanship.

Oh well.

Then it was Gaara against Rock Lee. Naruto already knew about Gaara's abilities, but he didn't know anything about Lee's.

Super Gates, open! The blonde thought that was impressive. A genin, being able to open the Eight Gates?

Too bad Lee seemed to be an idiot. Even with all of that speed, he never noticed Gaara swapping with a clone. You have motherfucking speed! You should know what's going on!

Anyway, Lee was out of it since Gaara squashed his arm and leg. Well, he would have, but he only broke them. Nothing serious. Naruto made sure of that with a subtly cast jutsu that temporarily halted control of Gaara's sand.

Dosu and Chouji can be overlooked. That battle becomes completely irrelevant. It really does. Dosu is going to end up dying and Chouji doesn't really do anything. Oh well.

"Here are the finals:

Naruto Uzumaki vs. Neji Hyuuga..."

Naruto zoned out for the rest of the names. They weren't really important to him. Orochimaru was sniffing about, so he was sure to have some kind of overarching, complicated plan that was only centered on one thing.