Chapter Four: Oops
Naruto was bored.
His sensei had stuffed him with some weird-ass closet pervert who tried to teach him water-walking. Naruto laughed in his face and was about to leave when the guy tried to attack some other dude spying on the women in the hot springs. Or bath. Whatever it is.
Naruto was seriously doubting the capabilities of the Hidden Leaf's ninja (yet again) if they couldn't tell who their best ninja were. You could spot Jiraiya through anything. The big mane of white hair and the weird-ass behavior kind of alerted you to his identity.
Anyway, Jiraiya summoned a toad. Toad removed Ebisu from the area. Jiraiya went back to peeking.
Naruto went up behind him and muttered, "Damn, you do this in public? There are perfectly good magazines sold in adult shops."
That had the intended effect of Jiraiya falling off his toad. He turned to face Naruto and went off about how the real thing is much better than the printed thing. "Oh, I agree. I'm just saying. Besides, you need to train me. You just knocked my sensei out, anyway."
"Why should I train a brat like you?" Jiraiya had a smug smirk on his face. Naruto could say some very... hidden stuff. But he wasn't completely sure if Jiraiya was his godfather here. Given how Naruto looked, he was sure he was the child of Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki, like he had been in his timeline.
"I could always flare my chakra and make every female within fifty miles get here."
"You wouldn't," Jiraiya said with a pained face.
"Oh look," Naruto said, "Anko's in there. Might as well start shouting now, eh?"
"All right, all right! I'll train you! Stupid brat..."
Naruto grinned as Jiraiya muttered to himself. "All right, I'm going to have you sign the toad contract. It's pretty versatile and since you seem to have large chakra reserves, it'll work best for you."
Eh, why not. Jiraiya gave him the massive scroll and he signed it. As soon as he did so...
He was reverse summoned to the toad mountain place. Mount Myoboku or whatever.
Jiraiya was staring at the place he was standing at. Ooookay. That wasn't supposed to happen.
Good thing Jiraiya was reverse summoned a few moments later, right?
VvVvV
=Mt. Myoboku=
Why was he summoned to this place? Naruto didn't think he was supposed to be here yet.
Apparently, neither did Jiraiya, if the confused expression on his face was anything to note.
"Yo, old man," Naruto said, "Why the hell am I here? No summoning toads for me?"
"Quiet, brat! We're in Mt. Myoboku, honored home of the toads! You're lucky to even be here!"
"Fuck off, I bet you hate it here since there's no women." Naruto was frowning and tapping his foot impatiently.
That left Jiraiya wondering who the hell raised his godson. He had a... colorful vocabulary.
Maybe he'd be open to the ways of the super pervert.
"Ah, Jiraiya-chan," an elderly voice said, "I see you don't know why you're here. Well, you and the boy might want to follow us back to the Great Toad Sage."
Jiraiya's jaw dropped. What? Already? What the hell? This really wasn't going anywhere he wanted it to! Naruto was just supposed to sign the contract and attempt to summon toads!
"Hey, who's this?" Naruto knew who it was, but he had to keep up his facade.
"I'm going to assume you already know, Naruto-boy. Or should I say, Naruto Namikaze," Fukasaku said, much to Jiraiya's and Naruto's shock. His face was very serious.
Yes, there is some seriousness here.
"W-What? Fukasaku-sama, what are you talking about? He shouldn't-"
Shima, another elderly toad, suddenly appeared. "Hurry now. We can discuss the details in a bit. The Great Toad Sage is insistent."
So they all went to where the Great Toad Sage was. The guy was wide awake and staring down at Naruto with an odd intensity.
Then he spoke, his voice rasping due to its age, "Jiraiya, the new summoner is not who the village believes he is."
"Hey! You old fool! Of course I'm who the village thinks I am!" Naruto shouted petulantly.
"Hey! Brat, don't speak to the Great Toad Sage like that!"
"Bite me, pervert! Actually, don't. That's creepy." Naruto shuddered.
"I'd bite you," Kurama interjected.
Not right now, foxy-chan.
Jiraiya palmed his face and groaned. Minato was never a handful like this. Minato listened, was patient, and was quiet. His son was anything but.
Damn Kushina's genes. Damn them to hell.
"I would like to inquire about the specifics of your existence," the big toad said. "After all, being a Sage requires extensive training and we can tell you have not signed any summoning contracts, aside from ours."
Jiraiya frowned. The great toad dude was saying that Naruto was a Sage? He'd have to have gone senile.
Naruto's mouth contorted into a thin line. "Are you seriously asking me? I woke up during the day of the academy graduation exam and I've been letting nature run its course. So many things are different, not to mention pathetically pathetic. Yes, I fucking said it. Pathetically pathetic. I fought a god damn Sound ninja and they had no seduction training. At all. Same with our kunoichi. They're all idiots!"
Okay, now Jiraiya was really confused. "Hang on. What is going on?"
Fukasaku and Shima turned to Naruto. The blonde sighed. Damn toads. Of course this would happen. Now he had to go around and tell everyone he was an overpowered fool with a bloodline. Oh boy. Maybe he'd desert and go infiltrating hidden villages. Might as well cause some chaos and destruction.
"Fine. I'm from an alternate timeline where a lot of things are different. I saved the world, I achieved peace, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, I also have a bunch of jutsu, a bloodline, and complete synchronization with the Nine-Tails."
Jiraiya's jaw dropped. "What the hell? Seriously? That's such bullshit!"
"Oh, come on! I keep saying I'm from an alternate timeline but no one believes me! No one ever believes me because it sounds so damn stupid!"
"You're right it sounds stupid, brat! Who in their right mind would believe that!" Jiraiya was crossing his arms and glaring at his godson.
"What, you want proof?" Naruto responded.
"Hell yeah I do!"
Naruto smirked. He turned to Jiraiya and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, Jiraiya was gaping. Again. Sage Mode go! Bar-pupils for the win!
Naruto also stretched his arms out and created a Rasengan in each hand. Best technique ever, fools. It even looks cool. It defeats everyone. Everyone. It sometimes caused him to question the skills of the people who he defeated it with because it was a close-range jutsu. A powerful one, but it was still hilarious to watch people get hit by it. Idiots.
"All right," Jiraiya conceded. "That's impressive, even if you're from the future."
"Different future, Pervy Sage. You took over as Hokage and used some jutsu to keep your spy network secure."
"I took the hat? What the hell happened to the geezer?" Pfft, him taking the hat? Yeah right. He'd use the crystal ball to spy on all of the kunoichi...
Yes, he did that in Naruto's era too. Why the hell not? Best opportunity ever!
"He re-retired. Took reign for five years after my old man died. Then you took over after."
"So who was watching over you?" Jiraiya asked.
"Not you, Pervy Sage. Seriously, I never even sensed you in the damn village in this timeline either! Where the hell were you? Not even Tsunade was here!"
Jiraiya rolled his eyes, deciding to take responsibility for his actions. "Believe it or not, brat, but I was busy. Spy network, remember? The geezer seemed to have things all right down here. Plus, you don't even know most of the old Naruto's life!"
"Fine, fine. You still should have been here. Apparently, from what I could tell, this Naruto was lonely as hell. The only ones who associated with them were Iruka Umino and the Third. Anyway, what happened to Tsunade? She left the village or something?"
"Yeah. Left after her brother and lover died during the wars. She couldn't take the strain and left," Jiraiya explained. He watched as his godson began to shake...
Then he exploded, growling and gnashing his teeth. It was actually pretty funny.
Well, it would have been, had not nine tails of pure chakra erupted from his tail bone. Jiraiya watched in fascination as Naruto ranted about "idiot kunoichi" and how "no one knows how to be a ninja" while the tails swished and swirled. Or bubbled.
Finally, he calmed down and the tails receded. "Huh. I feel better now. Sorry, toad guys."
"That is fine, boy," the sage said. "Do you know that the shinobi world will undergo calamitous events in the near future?"
"Let me take a crack at it. Three year trip around the nations and then Akatsuki is going to pop up. Akatsuki doesn't exist in this timeline though, right?"
Silence.
"...right? Holy shit, Akatsuki exists in this timeline?"
Jiraiya's face was grim. "Yep. And they're looking for Biju. Did that happen in your world, too?"
"Yep. They nearly succeeded, too. Kyuubi and I beat their asses to the ground though."
"That's nice to hear, brat. They're not very active right now, but I'm assuming they'll start hunting soon. It's also the reason why I'm taking you on a training trip."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Let me guess: for my protection, right?"
"And for my spy network," Jiriaya added.
"But now it's just for your spy network, right?"
"Well, I'm thinking about crashing at various towns..." A perverted giggle escaped Jiraiya's mouth.
Naruto would recognize that anywhere. "I like the way you're thinking, Pervy Sage."
"I am totally going to turn you over to the perverted, dark side."
Naruto snorted. "Yeah? I'm looking for kunoichi. Regular civilians don't last long at all. That, and if I end up stuck here I'm rebuilding the Village Hidden by the Whirlpools."
"You know, that's going to be damn near impossible. Most of their shit is booby-trapped with seals not even I can remove," Jiraiya said.
"It's a good thing that I know how every single one of those seals work then, right?"
Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Seal master too, brat? You know what you're doing?"
"Hell yeah I know what I'm doing. I was practically raised over there. It's only right that I resurrect it." That, and he'd take Kurama's game to a whole other level.
No Clan Restoration Act needed, not that it existed in the first place. Yes, it's a ninja world, but sometimes it goes too far. Good old objectifying women. That works, too. Don't whine, we live in a sexist world.
Okay, back to reality. Or Ninja-ality.
"Are we done here, Great Toad Sage?" The Sage nodded and dismissed them. When they both reappeared in the area where Naruto had met Jiraiya, the old pervert grabbed Naruto's arm. "We're telling the Hokage. There is no way he's not learning this."
VvVvV
"So, Jiraiya-kun... you're telling me that this Naruto here is a Naruto from an alternate timeline that has saved his own era."
Jiraiya nodded.
The Hokage sighed and looked at the unassuming blonde in front of him. He looked... ordinary, if not flashy, but nothing about him proved anything Jiraiya had said.
Had his perverted student finally gone batshit crazy from being beaten up by angry kunoichi too often?
"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun, but I can't find it in me to believe you. It just seems..."
"Yeah, I realize that old man. Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze were my parents here too, right?"
A pause. Wait, what? Who the hell? "Jiraiya, I hope you did not tell him of his parents prematurely..." The Third gave the perverted Sage a warning glare.
"Hell no, sensei! The toads even confirmed it! He's a Sage with complete dominion over the Kyuubi!"
Naruto knew that the Hokage wouldn't believe him so he began to draw in nature energy...
The Hokage's mouth dropped. Fuck yes, bar-pupils win over everything.
Then Naruto generated a Rasengan in each hand. That probably wouldn't be good enough proof, so Naruto backed up and turned them into Rasenshuriken. Oh, now that look was priceless. Naruto let the attack dissipate and waited for the old man to speak.
Seeing old Hiruzen Sarutobi, the 'God of Shinobi' mouth "what the flying fuck" made Naruto's day. Hell, it made his week, month, and year.
"I can also use the Flying Thunder God technique. Oh, right. I can do this too." Naruto crystallized the moisture in the air and made them fly around.
"I know this is going to drive me crazy..." Hiruzen said. "How the hell did this happen, Naruto? Where is our Naruto?"
"No idea, old man. I woke up on the graduation exam day thing. Hell, I was looking to start a family and now I'm a kid again. That freaking hurts."
Jiraiya gave the boy a sympathetic look. "All right, brat. I think we've established you're not the old Naruto. Now then, tell him everything else."
Naruto cleared his throat. "All right, all right. Orochimaru's planning an invasion," Naruto said simply.
"That is a heavy claim, Naruto-kun. Do you have any evidence?"
"I tailed Kabuto. You know, that 'mediocre' genin? He's a spy. He's also probably an elite jōnin. But, Orochimaru is going to try and kill you. I can send clones to fuck with his plans, but I don't see why you don't just stop the chūnin exams." Why not? What was Orochimaru going to do, not ambush the Hokage?
"We still need the money, Naruto-kun. The Leaf is still recovering from the Kyuubi attack."
"I don't even get the Kyuubi attack! Hell, in my timeline it didn't even do anything. It was captured and sealed into me when we got word that the Hidden Cloud had two jinchūriki that could control their demons. Tailed Beasts don't usually care for human settlements." A partial lie.
"That's the thing. Your mother was the previous jinchūriki of the Kyuubi. I take it you read the story on Madara Uchiha controlling it?" Hiruzen asked.
"Yep. He never did that in my timeline. Well, he tried, but failed and then the First killed him."
"Well, we think that someone messed with Kushina's seal, especially since Minato was a seal master."
"Huh... anyway, back on topic. I can think about this later. Let me come with you when you confront the snake. I can at least stop him from using any bullshit jutsu," Naruto said.
"How? You have a... well, I can't really say 'match' since you're likely stronger than any genin out there."
"I can create very durable clones, old man. I'll just send them out on patrols. A clone will fight Neji and kick his ass, possibly removing that stick up there in the process."
Jiraiya laughed at this, shaking his head in amusement. "Hilarious, brat. Your clones will be helping me. The Hidden Leaf has a lot of civilians running around. How will you confront Orochimaru without him finding out who you are? I doubt you want random Sound shinobi trying to kill you every other day."
"I might want random Sound kunoichi trying to kill me every day, but I'm not one to take stuff like that by force. I fucking resent shit like that, even if the Kyuubi keeps bothering me about it. Just give me a mask and an ANBU cloak," the blonde said in a perfectly serious voice.
Hiruzen nodded. "Done. Now then, this is how we'll prepare for the invasion..."
And so they prepared for the invasion. Obviously.
VvVvV
=Chūnin Exam Dome Thingy=
Neji watched Naruto from a distance. "You should just forfeit. Fate is agai-"
He never finished his sentence. Naruto blurred forward, punched him in the jaw, and sent him flying. "Shut your face. For god's sake, enough about fate! You're a ninja, not a philosopher. Stop whining about things that were incredibly stupid in the first place."
Neji rose up and growled. "Are you saying my father's death was stupid? He sacrificed himself for the sake of peace! For everyone! He sacrificed himself in place of the Main Branch!"
"Then he's a god damned hero, moron. Get that through your head. You should be proud that your father is a hero, not angry. Although I might have a bone to pick with Cloud because that was the most harebrained, idiotic scheme I've heard in my life... and I've read through a lot of silly things."
Jiraiya sneezed from his place on the stands. "Brat, my books are amazing!"
Naruto shrugged. "It doesn't matter though. I'm going to show you that a talentless prodigy can defeat you. I got to where I am through painful, hard work. Fate can kiss my ass."
Naruto ran through some one-handed seals for the purpose of being flashy and then intoned, "Ice Release: Wicked Maelstrom!"
Sakura gasped. Holy shit, Naruto could use Ice Release like Haku? Were they relatives?
The other Leaf genin (and practically everyone else) was shocked to see that Naruto had a bloodline limit. A random orphan (or demon brat, in some cases) had such valuable genetic material?
As soon as Naruto said the words, the air became unbearably cold. Razor-sharp shards of ice formed from the moisture in the air and began to surround the arena. With as much chakra as Naruto had, he could keep the jutsu up nearly indefinitely.
The shards started to speed up and move around Neji, creating a miniature blizzard. Neji managed to stop the first barrage using his Kaiten or revolving heavenly sphere thing, but he couldn't stop them all. In the end, the Hyuuga prodigy was on the floor, bleeding from cuts all over his body.
"H-How? How can a no one and dead-last like you have a bloodline? How could you defeat me?"
Everybody knows where this goes. Naruto says it a million times.
With Naruto determined as the winner he took his spot back up, with his genin comrades giving him disbelieving looks.
Meh, let them believe what they want.
Sasuke was late, Kankuro forfeited, Sasuke was still late, and Shikamaru's match took three hours.
Naruto wondered if the Hokage had electrical TVs or something up in his stand. How could anyone see the matches from where they were? Genin were tiny most of the time and the dome was huge!
"Ninja magic solves everything. Super eyes or channeling chakra to their eyes solves everything, too," Kurama said.
What about the nobles?
"Noble magic? Fuck if I know."
Sasuke finally appeared in an extremely flashy entrance with leaves and everything. Unfortunately, there were a few "go, go Uchiha-sama"'s.
Sasuke fought Gaara. Sauske wounds Gaara with One-Thousand-Birds NOT AN ASSASSINATION TECHNIQUE, invasion starts.
The Naruto-clone smirked. It built up the chakra it had left and dispelled itself, sending off a pulse that removed the genjutsu over everyone and disrupted delicate techniques for several miles out.
The real Naruto was wearing a monkey mask and entered a battle against Orochimaru. He and the Hokage were facing off against snake guy.
Naruto noticed the Sound Four set up a barrier. He could probably crack it if he tried hard enough, but that wasn't the deal here. Orochimaru was the deal. The snake guy made a speech, boasted about his new Soul Transfer jutsu, and tried to kill Naruto.
He failed. Naruto pulled a Body Replacement out of nowhere. "Where the hell did you get the log from?" Orochimaru asked. Where had the log come from?
"I have no idea. I just did the technique and a log appeared," Naruto responded.
"Monkey, get ready!" Hiruzen yelled. He was dressed in battle armor and a kabuto helmet. He summoned Enma the Monkey King, who made a remark about how it was finally time to kill Orochimaru.
Then Orochimaru summoned the previous Hokage. Hiruzen removed the First using his magic seal hand thing and Naruto removed the Second. The Fourth crumbled to dust as his soul was already sealed from using the All-Consuming Seal of the Death God.
I think that's what it's called.
Orochimaru showed a pained smirk before stretching his neck forward. A snake shot out and opened its jaw, which then released his sword of doom. Never mind how the sword is extendable at will and made out of straight steel (or ninja steel), the snake was still curving about. So was Orochimaru.
Hiruzen and Naruto evaded the attack. Hiruzen went through some seals and Naruto clapped his hands together. A large stream of fire was bolstered by the intense winds spewed from Naruto's mouth, causing a giant firestorm.
Which was odd, because Naruto had a mask on. It probably came from the front of the mask.
The fire cleared quickly and Orochimaru was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, a tile transformed into Orochimaru, but it was hit by Enma in monkey-staff form. The body exploded into mud.
Naruto's senses went haywire and he leaned sharply back to avoid Orochimaru's sword. Since the guy was still close by, Naruto punched him in the stomach. The man was sent flying by a can of Sage Mode whoop-ass.
Orochimaru quickly righted himself. This was not going well. This monkey ANBU was far more skilled than he thought. He also hit like a freaking truck.
A pause. What the hell is a truck?
Orochimaru went through his own seals and caused giant, spiky spires of rock to erupt from the ground. It clipped Naruto, but the Third evaded them all.
When Naruto landed, he rubbed his side before bringing his hand down in a chopping motion. A literal wave of electricity was sent at Orochimaru, who jumped into the air to evade it. Hiruzen extended his monkey staff and swung at his former student, sending him flying down to the ground.
Orochimaru was able to land on his feet, but the monkey ANBU appeared in his face with a light blue bubble in his hand. Once again, the snake guy managed to evade whatever technique Naruto had used.
And that was probably fortunate. The bubble was launched into the side of the barrier and its distinct pop led to a cluster of explosions that forcefully spewed water around the area.
This was getting annoying. There was very little room to summon without straining his guards and the Hokage and monkey ANBU worked too well together.
Orochimaru was prideful and arrogant, but he was also cautious. How the hell do you think he was able to evade being captured as a pedophile for so long?
Then again, ninja are supposed to be able to be stealth... even though Naruto cursed his old self for wearing orange tracksuits. What the hell, alternate dude?
So the snake guy decided to err on the side of caution and live to fight another day. He and his guards quickly made their way out of the area. Orochimaru did note though, with some satisfaction, that there was still much damage done to the Hidden Leaf.
His thoughts were, "Take that, assholes."
Meanwhile, as Gaara was about to unleash the beast, pillars of wood appeared and tightened around him. Shukaku swore to himself and shied away from the magical, Biju suppressing wood.
"Huh, that was easy."
"Oh, monkey-kun? Do you not see the damage?"
"What's that, old man? It's time to go to sleep and stop working?"
Hiruzen sighed as Enma dismissed himself. "Just take off the damn mask and un-Henge yourself. You and that technique, I swear. It's so damn useful but it's so damn creepy at the same time. How the hell do you feel when you turn into a girl?"
Naruto flinched. "Don't remind me! It's not my fault my inner demon is a fox and just so happens to conveniently give me actual transformations! It's not a plot device, I swear!"
Well, he can't really use genjutsu. Isn't that the whole idea? Naruto can't use the regular old clone technique, which are illusions and therefore genjutsu. So, when he actually transforms, it's an actual transformation. True, or no? Probably not, but it's cool to speculate.
The Hokage grunted as real ANBU appeared. "All right, time for damage control. And, possibly, for a convening of the council."
"The council? You mean those three advisers that are super conservative and are portrayed in a negative fashion most of the time?" Naruto asked.
"No, I mean the council full of clan heads and random civilians that have a bone to pick with you," Hiruzen replied. "And yes, I'm serious. Can't have a fanfic without council bashing, can we?"
"Holy shit, he broke the fourth wall! I thought only we could break the fourth wall!"
Not too often, or else it gets boring. Or annoying.