Chapter Five: Sound Four or Five

Naruto watched the jinchūriki opposite him. He was in an interrogation room, clad in his brand new, tacky chūnin vest. Opposite of him was Gaara.

"All right, so you deny all responsibility because your dad incorrectly sealed a gigantic demon into you, which resulted in the death of your mother. This caused you to become insane because no one loved you."

"Yes," Gaara simply said. His blank stare was unnerving Naruto and he was years older! Creepy.

"All right. Is Shukaku still screaming in there? I hope he listened when Kyuubi and I removed that gigantic splinter from its foot. Who the hell makes the seal a splinter?" Seriously. When Naruto and Kurama went into Gaara's mindscape, Shukaku's pain-filled screams were the result of a huge, wooden splinter impaled through its foot.

"He is not. In fact, he is quite coherent and is insistent on remedying my sub-par control with his power," Gaara again stated in that creepy, toneless voice of his.

Naruto nodded, satisfied. "Cool. Your dad is dead and all, right? Orochimaru was behind the invasion, blah blah blah. I suppose we can free you guys. The Hokage was cool with it. The council wasn't, but this is a military dictatorship."

Gaara inclined his head. "I thank you for fixing my seal and for using your therapy technique on me. It has helped much. I will attempt to connect with my peers and with my family again."

"Nice to know. Would you like some ramen, by the way? I know this really awesome place..."

Naruto dragged Gaara and his siblings to Ichiraku's.

Their reactions made him depressed, though. Ramen wasn't merely "it is okay", or "all right". It is the food of the fucking gods.

Although, nutrition was fine too.

So, while Gaara and his siblings were reconnecting and Naruto was pitching in a joke or two, he felt two massive signatures nearby. Well, one was big. The other was ridiculous.

"Akatsuki behind you," Kurama said.

What tipped you off? Naruto responded.

There was a tap on his shoulder. Naruto swung his stool around to see two men dressed in black cloaks with red clouds on them. They were also wearing straw hats. "Anything I can do for you, gentleman?"

Naruto was prepared to use lethal force to protect himself and Shukaku, but he didn't expect them to ask, "Do you know where we could find a sushi place?"

"A... sushi place?"

"Yes. We have been traveling for quite a while and we're very hungry."

"Ah. Well, there's one down the street and to your right," Naruto said. If they're just hungry, why not direct them to a good restaurant. Sure the cloaks are intimidating, but everybody should be able to get a meal if they want to.

They muttered their thanks and left. Huh. He couldn't see their eyes, so he didn't know who they were. All he knew was that they were Akatsuki.

He watched them enter the restaurant a ways away, and then returned to his ramen. "Who was that?" Gaara asked.

"Akatsuki," Naruto said.

"Aren't they those Tailed Beast hunters?"

"Yeah, but they're not causing trouble right now, Gaara. Let them do what they want. They're probably not going to do anything for a few more years."

Gaara nodded slowly before returning to his meal.

Meanwhile, Itachi and Kisame were enjoying a high-quality meal of sushi. "Damn, that kid sure knows how to point them out."

Itachi silently nodded. The sushi tasted very nice.

Coincidentally, Sasuke was dining in the same area. He saw Itachi and his jaw dropped. He ran over to where his brother was and shouted, "Itachi! I've come to kill you!"

Itachi looked at his brother and sighed. "I can never get a moment for myself... it's always 'capture this' or 'massacre that'." He looked into his brother's eyes and sent him into an illusion world of oblivion.

Sasuke crumpled to the floor. Despite all of the screaming, Itachi and Kisame finished their meal before jumping away. They had to get out before the ANBU were sicked on their heads.

Naruto watched them bounce away from the Hidden Leaf. "Huh, I guess they were found out. You know, that really makes our security seem bad."

Kankuro looked at Naruto for a moment. "You know, that really does. Why aren't you worried?"

"He is from an alternate timeline," Gaara stated impassively.

"Seriously?" Temari asked.

"Seriously," Gaara finished.

Naruto slammed his head on the counter. "No one believes me, but you guys believe your brother who was previously batshit insane..."

"Hey! Don't talk to my younger brother like that!" Kankuro said.

"So... unfair," Naruto quietly said.

VvVvV

Sasuke was lying on his hospital bed. He was still too weak to kill his brother! His brother had just used that super Sharingan he had and locked him into a super illusion. It pissed Sasuke off. Being a Leaf ninja wasn't making him any stronger!

"Yo," a familiar voice said. Sasuke looked up to the grinning face of his teammate and... an unfamiliar redhead.

Holy shit, that redhead was hot. Hot was an understatement. She personified beauty. It was like she was perfection. Her red, slitted eyes were odd, but they seemed to add to her allure.

Her breasts were large, too.

"So, how you doing? Your brother must have hit you hard," Naruto said. Sasuke briefly glared at him but then returned his attention to the girl.

"Wow, I think he likes me," Kurama said. "All men like breasts, right?"

"Right," Naruto said. "He's lucky I'm not a jealous guy."

Kurama snorted. "You know you're the only one for me, Naruto-chan."

"Err... who's this?" Sasuke asked.

"Oh, that's Kyuubi."

"...What?"

"Yep. Ask her yourself." Kurama was giving Naruto a deadpan look. She insisted on her actual, given name remaining hidden.

Then Sakura walked in. "Sasuke-kun, are you- Oh, hello. Who's this?" Sakura eyed the redhead warily. She didn't miss the way Sasuke seemed fixated on her chest.

Kurama smirked. Naruto raised an eyebrow. "You're Sakura Haruno, right? My name is Kyuubi. I'm Sasuke-kun's friend."

Naruto backed away. Overpowered as he was, he still respected the power of an angry, irate female. Even more so since he had Kurama sealed within him.

Not at the moment, of course. But no one would find out.

Then Ino walked into the sight of a smirking redhead and a glowering Sakura. "Hey... what's going on in here?" she asked.

"Probable catfight," Naruto responded. "Sakura's mad because Kyuubi-chan over here has breasts."

"Wow, that's kind of rude, Naruto," Ino said. "But yeah, you're right. Forehead has no breasts."

"Neither do you," Sasuke cut in. This was getting strange.

"Hey! I have breasts! More than Forehead, anyway."

"Yeah, but you all kind of fail in terms of Kyuubi-chan," Naruto absentmindedly remarked.

Kyuubi nodded twice, making a "hm, hm" noise. "As much fun as it is claiming my superiority over you two, I'm already with someone. You can have Sasuke-kun all to yourself."

Sasuke's shoulders slumped in defeat. "Damn it. A hot girl and she's with someone already."

"Sasuke-kun wouldn't want a tramp, anyway," Sakura muttered.

Kyuubi smirked at Sakura, walked over to Naruto, and grabbed his junk. Naruto looked down and back up at the shocked expressions of the girls and the defeated expression on Sasuke's face. "Huh, I didn't think she would do that. Maybe it's time we leave."

They both vanished in a Body Flicker.

"Whoa..." Ino murmured, "That was..."

"Trampy," Sakura stated with conviction. "Very, very trampy. Yes, trampy. Anyway, I'm going to fawn over Sasuke-kun. Want to help?"

"Nah, I just wanted to see if he was all right. Sasuke's way too much of a downer. Sorry, Sasuke. Maybe you'll get hot girls if you stop being an ass to everyone."

"But being an ass is all I know how to do!" he cried.

"Then you can have Sakura. See you!" Ino left the room.

Sasuke looked at the sweetly smiling Sakura and groaned. "Fucking hell... I hate Naruto. I think I might defect because of this. Yes, totally. Sound probably has better kunoichi too."

VvVvV

It was dark. Sasuke was walking slowly, silently, and stealthily across the street.

And then Sakura came in and ruined the whole ninja moment.

Teenage love confessions and angst, oh boy. Sasuke knocked her out and continued on his way. He found the Sound Four, got his Seal advanced, and then was stuffed into a barrel. A tight, cramped barrel. Then they all left.

The next morning the incident was found out and the Hokage sent out a team made up of you-know-who. The Sasuke Retrieval Squad headed out to retrieve Sasuke. Duh.

Naruto was walking to the Hokage's office to ask when he was going to leave for the next three years when he was informed of the defection. "Huh, he defected?"

"Yes."

"Why not send me out?"

"I am sending you out. Go deal with them and make sure no one important dies."

"All right, old man Hokage. Want me to let Sasuke go or no?"

The Hokage thought for a moment. "Try to see if you can't convince him to stay. Otherwise, he might be a loose cannon if you bring him back."

Naruto nodded. "I'm heading out then. See ya, old man!" Poof. Naruto was gone.

In a clearing, Chouji was breathing heavily as a Stage Two Curse Seal Jirobo laughed maniacally. "With this power Lord Orochimaru granted me, I cannot possibly lose to trash such as yo-"

The voice was cut off as the head separated from the body. Naruto appeared out of nowhere and ran up to Chouji. "Damn, are you all right? Oh shit, you took those pills?" Naruto said, referring to the nearly empty box near Chouji.

"Yeah, I'm fine... how did you cut off his head? You don't even have a kunai out."

"Oh, I uh... that's going to be hard to explain. Just think about really sharp, strong claws."

Chouji looked faintly ill. "Are you sure you're not an Inuzuka?"

"Very sure, yes. Where did everyone go?" Naruto asked.

Chouji pointed in some vague direction. "Over there. Shikamaru, Neji, and Kiba are all catching up to the enemies."

"What about Akamaru?"

Chouji palmed his face. "Yes, yes. He's there too. Let's go already!"

"Actually, head back to the Hidden Leaf. I'll deal with the problems," Naruto said.

"What? Are you sure?"

"I can order you to go back, you know." Naruto smirked at a surprised Chouji. The rotund boy sighed, said quick "good luck", and headed back.

Naruto activated Sage Mode and located the rest of the SRS. Then he took off in their direction.

Neji was battling some guy with four arms that Naruto didn't quite memorize. What, he was focused on Orochimaru back during that battle. Who cares about four extras?

"Yo," Naruto said, dropping down to where Neji was swatting mini-spiders. Naruto sent a blast of wind at the larger spider, removing it from the battlefield. "What's going on here?"

"Naruto!" Neji yelled, "He's firing arrows! And they hurt, too!"

Coincidentally, an arrow shot right at Naruto, spearing him right above the heart. Naruto looked down at the arrow, pulled it out with a squelch, and charged it with electricity. "Right, I'm a jinchūriki... and you don't know what that is. I'll tell you all later. Maybe."

Kidomaru gaped at how the blonde had taken an arrow and removed it like it was a minor nuisance. "What the hell? That's not normal! You should be on the ground gasping for breath or something!"

"You have four arms and spit out webbing! What the fuck kind of definition for normal are you even using?" Naruto shouted back.

"I'm from Sound! I don't think normal exists over there, especially since we're run by a guy who can regenerate and shed his skin."

"Uh-huh..." Naruto flicked the arrow towards where Kidomaru was and blasted it with wind. The arrow pierced Kidomaru's skull, killing him immediately. Naruto told Neji the same thing he told Chouji, got directions, and then split into two.

Kurama went after Kiba while Naruto went after Shikamaru.

VvVvV

=With Kurama=

"Wow, this is your backup? It's a girl in a freaking kimono!" Sakon exclaimed.

"She has nice breasts, at least," Ukon muttered.

Kurama watched the two brothers argue between themselves about various attractive aspects of females. "Wow, if all guys can be distracted this easily, I could probably become Kage of the Hidden Leaf. Wouldn't that be ironic?"

"How would that be ironic?" Kiba painfully gritted out.

"Oh, you wouldn't get it. Naruto will explain everything after this."

The two brothers turned to her, smirking menacingly. "Well, we might as well have some fu- Urk!" Sakon flew back into a rock face and died.

"Holy shit! How hard did you hit him?" Kiba asked.

"Enough to disintegrate his insides, I think. They were already messed up, I just had to punch him with enough force."

"You bitch! You killed my brother!" Ukon rushed forward in his Curse Seal form. Kurama broke him as well.

"Huh, that was easy."

"Speak for yourself! I think I'm paralyzed! Akamaru's hurt, too!"

Kurama looked down at the small puppy with distaste. "Ugh, I'll never get why humans like dogs so much."

"Wait, what?"

"Nothing. Let's get out of here." Kurama formed a clone to help the still bewildered Kiba.

Then the clone took him away. Kurama headed back to find Naruto.

Once they were back in the Hidden Leaf, the clone dispelled. "Huh, she was pretty hot," Kiba remarked. "I didn't even get her name! She just popped in and saved my ass!"

VvVvV

=With Naruto=

Naruto was watching Shikamaru's and Tayuya's checkmate thing play out when Kurama reappeared. "Yo," she said.

"That's my line. Anyway, they're... positioning themselves. It feels like a bunch of moving around and trapping and illusion techniques."

"Huh. Isn't the redhead a member of the Phantom Flute clan?"

"Clan might be gone. I'll mention it to her if I get around to it."

Shikamaru was being hard-pressed to survive, much less win. Hopefully the other members of the SRS were faring better.

"Ha! You fucking shadow user! You're going to really fucking die now!" Tayuya shouted.

"Huh, you swear as much as I do when I'm angry." Naruto appeared next to Tayuya. The redhead jumped back, falling into a defensive stance. Naruto shook his head. "Might as well get you down."

"What are you talking about, shithead?" Tayuya said, watching him warily.

"Meh, you'll find out later." Naruto rushed her and knocked her out. "Yeah, this is really easy. Where are the S-rank missing-nin?"

"Already anxious for something at least challenging?" Kurama asked, jumping down to where Naruto was. Shikamaru watched the other redhead with some caution.

"Everyone sucks! How is this supposed to be interesting?"

"Just wait a bit. We'll head out sooner rather than later."

"Fine, fine. Take... what the hell is her name again?" Naruto asked.

"It's Tayuya, you troublesome blonde," Shikamaru said, entering the conversation. "Who's this?"

"This is Kyuubi. Yes, that's her name. Yes, I know it's weird, but go with it. Kyuubi, bind Tayuya and take her. Shikamaru, where is Sasuke?"

Shikamaru groaned. "Some albino guy took the barrel he was in."

"He was in a barrel? Why?" Naruto asked, tilting his head.

"How should I know? Troublesome..."

Shikamaru and Kyuubi left with Tayuya in tow. Naruto activated Sage Mode and headed onward, swiftly catching up to the albino guy carrying a barrel.

It wasn't as if you could miss it. The guy was in a clearing taking a breather.

"More trash to try and stop me from fulfil-"

"Yeah, I don't care. Is Sasuke in that barrel?" Naruto pointed at the barrel for unneeded clarification.

The barrel abruptly began burning and then exploded. Sasuke walked out of the flames and groaned. "What the hell? I just wanted to defect! I didn't want to undergo this weird-ass change!"

"Did Sakura scare you away?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke turned, his face half-transformed. "Yes! Yes she did! I don't know why, but she thought I was the love of her freaking life! Even Ino doesn't do that!"

Kimimaro shrugged. "Give it a few years. She'll find someone else to fawn on."

"God, I hope so!"

"I'm about to die. Good-bye, everyone. I was hoping to be Orochimaru's next body, but oh well." Kimimaro fell over, dead.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Sasuke said.

"Yeah. Anyway, make sure Orochimaru doesn't ass-rape you when you reach Sound."

Sasuke scoffed. "Don't worry, I just want his jutsu so I can kill my brother."

"Go for it. I'm heading back to the Hidden Leaf and then going on a three year training trip."

"Oh, you too?"

"Yep. Sakura might seek you out when I come back though."

Sasuke gnashed his teeth. "Fuck! God damn why can't I find a girl that isn't fangirlish?"

"Yeah, good luck with that. Orochimaru won't help you there." Naruto vanished in a Body Flicker. Sasuke grunted and headed off towards Sound.

Zetsu appeared from the ground and looked around.

"Wow, that was pretty boring. Not even an intense fight or anything."

VvVvV

"So here's the thing, Tayuya," Hiruzen said. "Since the information you have given us has unearthed several of Orochimaru's bases, we're letting you do what you want around our village. In addition, we would like to extend an invitation to join our ninja forces."

"I'm not being a genin again. Hell fucking no," Tayuya replied, folding her arms defiantly and glaring at the Hokage.

Naruto chortled from his own seat next to Tayuya. "I fucking love this girl," he muttered.

Tayuya's response was to bop him on the head.

The Hokage sighed and rubbed his forehead. "We have received an assessment of your skills from two of our chūnin, one of which is coincidentally in the room right now." Hiruzen smirked. "We're promoting you to that of an experienced chūnin. Once you serve your year of probation and complete missions for us, we can think about promoting you."

Tayuya unfolded her arms and threw them into the air. "Thank fucking god! If I had to remain a genin with all of those dipshit rookies I think I'd go insane!"

"Ooh, I like her."

"Well, you need a place to stay, of course."

"Do I get an apartment or some shit like that?" she asked.

"No, you're staying with me," Naruto said. "And please don't ruin my crappy apartment."

"What? Why the fuck would I stay with that asshole!" Tayuya shouted, pointing at Naruto for added effect.

"Well, for one, I kind of removed your Curse Seal. And Anko's. For two, people don't like you because you're formerly Sound. Yes, yes, I know you can protect yourself, but I'm ridiculously overpowered, remember?" Naruto gave Tayuya a cheeky grin.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, shithead. But no funny business or I'll castrate you. Maybe I'll have Kyuubi help."

"She'd sooner rape you than help you. Trust me, I've been there before."

"As interesting as this conversation is," the Hokage interjected, "I need Naruto-kun to get you better acquainted with his apartment. You should, since he's going away for a few years on... err... I'd say a 'training trip', but it's more like he and Jiraiya-kun are going to stir up trouble."

"What? Three years? You don't even need the training trip from that perverted old shit!"

"Yeah, but the Hidden Leaf is boring. Plus, I want to see what's going on in the Hidden Rock, Cloud, and maybe help with the Civil War in Mist." Naruto leaned back in his chair. "Don't worry, I'll give you a seal that lets you contact me at will. If you're feeling lonely or you're in trouble, just channel chakra into it and I'll appear."

"How the fuck do you expect to do that, shithead?" Tayuya asked, tilting her head curiously.

"Flying Thunder God," Naruto remarked.

"Flying Th- What the fuck, you know your dad's techniques too?" Tayuya said, shocked. Hiruzen palmed his face. Of course he'd tell her his heritage. Most of the time, he would tell anyone who asked.

Not that many people asked at all, really. You'd fucking think that anyone with a pair of eyes, a photograph, and some sort of brain would realize Naruto is the son of the Fourth, but nope.

Naruto shrugged and then got up from his chair. Tayuya followed him out of the Hokage's office.

"You better not treat me like some damsel in distress, shithead."

"Hell no. I thought I told you this before? Besides, I'm trusting you to take care of yourself. And please don't burn my apartment down when I leave. It's kind of the only place I have. You know, demon in my gut and all of that."

"I'll try not to," Tayuya said cheekily.

They reached his apartment, unlocked it, and entered. Tayuya inspected it with a critical eye. "At least it's fucking clean. Fuck this place is small."

"Yeah, well, if you take up that much space I'll be happy to give you my room." Tayuya snorted and collapsed on the couch.

"When are you leaving, anyway?" Tayuya asked.

"Tomorrow. Maybe. Honestly, I have no fucking idea. The old pervert doesn't even have an idea of what to do half the time."

Tayuya snickered. "He actually lets you call him that?"

"You call him that too!"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks for helping though, shithead. It's nice to know there's someone in this village who doesn't want my blood."

Naruto turned to her, a bored expression on his face. "It's not like anyone will try and hurt you, anyway. You're going to be a registered ninja tomorrow and anytime someone attacks you then it is treason and punishable by pain delivered by my boot. Or sandal."

Tayuya snorted again and closed her eyes, opting to rest.

Naruto sat down next to her, closing his eyes as well.

They're not going to wake up in an uncomfortable position. Nope, not at all.