Chapter Fifteen: Misconceptions?

"So did you actually do it?"

Naruto let his forehead hit the table he, Kurama, and Kiba were sitting at. He banged his head a few more times on the table, hoping that he would somehow accumulate enough damage to make him forget the conversation he was having.

"For fucks sakes, I didn't do it! I don't know where these rumors are coming from!" Naruto screamed in frustration. Really, his temper was beginning to thin out. False rumors irritated the hell out of him.

Kiba gave him a skeptical look and then turned to Kurama. "What about you, strange redhead who I'm sure I've never met?"

Kurama's chin was propped up by her arm and she sleepily looked at Kiba before replying. "No, it didn't happen. I don't get why people think he keeps doing that."

Kiba abruptly stood up, causing his chair to fall over and some patrons of the breakfast shop the group was in to stare at him. "Hinata said that the girl ended up with a crush on you too and then you two sealed the deal!" the Inuzuka loudly said.

Naruto groaned and glanced around to make sure no one had completely heard that. He didn't need more rumors about him circulating through the Hidden Leaf. "First of all, Shion was a special case. Second of all, Amaru ended up with a crush on me because I saved her ass several times during that mission."

"That mission sucked," Kurama bluntly said. "Flying fortresses, massive destruction, and some stupid Tailed Beast poser. I enjoyed tearing that thing apart."

Kiba gave her an odd look, but Naruto snickered. "Yeah, that also caused the fortress to explode and crash, killing dozens of ninja in the process. We had to save Neji and Hinata from being crushed."

"You mean I had to save them from being crushed," Kurama corrected. She grinned victoriously at Naruto's frown. "You were too busy saving Amaru from falling to her death."

Naruto shrugged. "Meh, I help people in need... if I feel like it. And if they're female."

"Dude, that sounds pretty cruel," Kiba remarked. "Wasn't the Hidden Leaf attacked too?"

"Nah," Naruto answered, shaking his head. "I used my overpowered powers to stop that attack before it could occur. In any case, we won."

"All right... but did you get with that Amaru girl?"

Naruto groaned to himself. Why did people insist on asking him that? "No! For the last time, no! I only do that if the girl wants to do that! I know, it's a shocker, but not every kunoichi I meet wants to immediately jump me."

"Huh, people are saying otherwise," Kiba commented.

"They're just rumors!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing an accusatory finger at Kiba. "Does no one realize how much that demeans females? It's like they make them out to be sex hounds!"

Tsume and Hana would have to be exempt from that.

"Not that it's wrong for that to happen," Kurama added, "But it's true. Some girls just want to talk and hang out with him. In fact, I don't think he actually does it that often."

"Usually with missing-nin, higher-up officials, and kunoichi that ask," Naruto supplied.

Kiba huffed. "It still happens. Got any tips for me?"

"No."

"Damn it."

"Hey!"

Naruto, Kurama, and Kiba turned to where the voice originated. They see a young Hyuuga girl staring at them. The kunoichi held her chin up with regal grace... Oh, who are we kidding. They're all pompous assholes except for Hinata and perhaps Neji after he takes that massive stick out of his ass.

"I'm listening?" Naruto said, a quizzical expression on his face. He didn't really recognize the girl in front of him. She looked kind of like Hinata, but then again, every freaking Hyuuga looked like Hinata. They were all pale, had white eyes, and had long, silky hair. Neji's hair looked better than Hinata's, for crying out loud.

The short Hyuuga pointed a finger at Naruto. "You're Naruto Uzumaki, aren't you?" she asked.

"No, I'm Minato Namikaze," Naruto replied. He grinned widely at her expression. It was obvious that she was not amused.

"Oi, you're Hinata's sister, aren't you?" Kiba asked, cocking his head at the Hyuuga.

She held her chin up high and smoothed her clothing. "I am Hanabi Hyuuga, heiress of the Hyuuga Clan," she stated in a haughty tone. "And yes, I am Hinata's sister."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. He turned to Kurama and mouthed, 'What the fuck is going on here?' Kurama shrugged, not really understanding what was going on either.

Hinata had a sister? Since when did she have a sister? "Excuse me for a moment, Hanabi," Naruto said. He and Kurama both vanished, much to Kiba and Hanabi's surprise.

Hanabi quickly grew irritated. "What? How dare he run out on me!" She felt righteous anger... kind of. Maybe that was why her name meant firecracker?

Elsewhere, Naruto and Kurama were pacing. They were pacing in an abandoned alleyway, wondering when the fuck did Hinata get a younger sibling.

"Hinata didn't have a younger sibling back in our time..." Naruto muttered.

"Her mother must have died later on in this timeline," Kurama said.

"So this time, she survived long enough to give birth to Hanabi... and then she died," Naruto offered.

"That must have been what happened. Although, I can already see that the two have differences in their personalities," Kurama mused.

Naruto snorted. "You're right. One's a shy, timid little girl and the other is a haughty bitch."

"I think I like the bitch better."

"Me too. Wait, does that make me a lolicon?" Naruto had a disgusted expression on his face.

"How old is she?" Kurama asked. "Might as well ask her. Genin can't be genin until around age thirteen-fourteen, right?"

"True... but I guess I don't like her in that way just yet." Naruto wasn't a completely shallow asshole, after all. He did like Tayuya and Karui, despite their headstrong personalities. "Wait, would it make me a lolicon if I'm underage too?"

"How can you be underage if you're both ninja?" Kurama asked in an exasperated tone. "Whatever, let's just head back." Kurama resealed herself within Naruto and the blond vanished, reappearing next to a glaring Hanabi and bored Kiba.

His sudden reappearance caused both of them to jump. "How dare you run out on me! I'm the-"

"Yeah yeah, I've heard it all. You're all self-important or whatever, blah blah blah," Naruto interrupted, cutting off Hanabi's rant. Every rich and privileged person acted like she did and it was rather annoying. It's not hard to understand that you have money, but it is hard to understand why that's supposed to allow you to act like an asshole.

Hanabi puffed up her cheeks in irritation. "Are you Naruto Uzumaki?" she asked again, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Why does no one ever notice my disappearances?" Kurama whined. Naruto tuned the fox out and nodded to her.

"Yes I am and why are you asking?"

Hanabi walked around Naruto, looking him up and down with her hands on her hips. After about a minute of observation, much to Kiba's amusement, she stared back up at Naruto and frowned. "I am not impressed." Normally, she would simply state that her sister was infatuated with him, but she decided to respect her sister's wishes.

"Thanks," Naruto deadpanned. "I'm glad to hear your amazing opinion about me. Too bad I don't give a rat's ass about it."

Hanabi furrowed her brow at Naruto as Kiba paled. He leaned over to Naruto's ear and whispered, "Maybe you shouldn't piss off Hinata's sister... I mean, she is from the Hyuuga Clan..." As if that explained everything.

Naruto pushed Kiba away. "Look, firecracker, I don't care much about you. You have a pretty face and a slim figure and I'm sure that's what society likes nowadays, but you don't really mean anything to me. What did you want? Did you just come here to evaluate my status as a suitor of your sister?"

Hanabi backed away slightly and raised her eyebrows at Naruto's mini-rant. Huh, he got it spot on. Somewhat. "Yes... and no. A suitor of my sister, though? Why would you think my father would allow you to do that?" Hanabi questioned, tilting her head slightly.

The well-known cliché among the Hidden Leaf was that Hiashi was an ass. Despite that popular belief, Hiashi actually cared much for his daughters. There was no fucking way he would just allow random suitors to walk up to his daughters and ask for their hands in marriage. Hell no.

Naruto shrugged. "I don't know. I was just asking. What else did you want, by the way?"

Hanabi shuffled in her spot for a moment, appearing unsure of herself. She was about to speak, but Naruto cut her off. "How old are you, by the way?"

Kiba stared at Naruto for a moment before rolling his eyes. "Are you really that dense? She's twelve."

Hanabi huffed. "I am nearly fifteen, mind you."

Naruto nodded. "All right... I might not have a problem with that. Maybe in a year or two I'll give it a chance." Naruto leaned down and patted the Hyuuga's head, much to her irritation.

"Can I speak now, or am I going to be continually interrupted by trivial questions?" Hanabi bit out. Naruto and Kiba glanced at each other and motioned for her to go on. "Thank you. Are you really spending time with hookers?"

Naruto and Kiba both fell over at that blunt statement. Kurama's cackling echoed in Naruto's head. Maybe Hinata was a bit more vindictive than people thought. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, after all.

The blond jinchūriki recovered and quickly yelled, "I do not spend time with hookers! Who the hell told you that?" He might have yelled it a bit too loudly because several people glared at him for his outburst.

"Neji did," Hanabi blandly replied.

Kiba burst out laughing. "This must be revenge from when you dyed his robes red, right? I swear, everyone had a heart attack when they saw that. They all thought he was bleeding out!" Because that was supposed to be funny, right?

It was supposed to be funny. And it was actually pretty funny at the time. Neji did, however, vow his eternal revenge. "Probably," Naruto muttered. The blond returned his attention to Hanabi. "No, I do not spend all of my time with hookers. Tell your cousin I'm going to kick his ass for that, by the way."

"Who do you spend your time with, then?" Hanabi asked, not really caring that she was being nosy. "Neji-niisan mentioned that you spend time with a lot of kunoichi."

"That's a pretty broad question," Naruto answered. "A lot of people spend time with kunoichi. What makes what I do any different?" That was very debatable.

Hanabi squirmed in place. "Well... Neji-niisan said that you... spend time with women. I don't really understand what he's getting at and I was hoping someone would explain it to me. Hinata-oneesama fainted when I asked her and Neji only smiled when I asked him before walking away."

"Was he laughing maniacally?" Kiba asked.

Hanabi nodded. "Yes. His smile looked pretty strange, too."

"Huh, that's strange. As for your question... well, it's true, but they're not hookers. I'll explain more later, if you want. Just head by the Fourth's old mansion and ask the girls there."

Kiba froze and then began to leave. "I'm out. I want no part in this."

"What are hookers anyway?" Hanabi asked.

Naruto smirked at the Hyuuga heiress. Oh, he and Karin were going to enjoy this. It was always fun corrupting nobility.

VvVvV

=Somewhere in the Land of Lightning=

Yugito ran down a sewer, intentionally leading the two Akatsuki that were pursuing her into a trap. She really didn't know if the trap would work, but she was confident in her abilities to defeat them.

Hopefully it would work... how powerful could two random missing-nin be? Naruto had mentioned that they were all on par with at least a high-level jōnin, but his warnings fell on deaf ears. Sort of. Yugito believed him, but again, she was confident in her abilities. She was a jōnin of the Hidden Cloud, for crying out loud.

Then again, she had been defeated rather handily by Naruto. The same guy who had then gone and handily defeated Bee in a spar. Yugito shook her head in amusement; only Bee would call that fight a spar. He was probably sore about losing.

When the two members caught up to her, she was waiting in an area where the sewers all headed to. "Finally caught up to you, bitch," the one with the slicked back hair said. He had a triple-bladed scythe in his hand and had a devious smirk on his face. "I'll be happy to sacrifice you to Lord Jashin!"

"Actually, we can't do that," the mask-wearing one rumbled. "We'll just knock her out and extract the beast from her body."

"Whatever, Kakuzu," the man flippantly said. He wasn't paying much attention to his partner.

Yugito smirked at their bickering and firmed a ram hand seal, causing the exploding tags she had planted to go off and seal off the cavern. "I led you here so I could remove you two. You're enemies of the jinchūriki and of the Hidden Cloud."

"You know of our motives?" Kakuzu asked. His face remained impassive, but he seemed to be intrigued as to how she knew that. Had the Hidden Sand decided to help non-allied villages?

"A little fox told me," Yugito replied, her smirk widening. "Once you two are removed, I can sleep a little easier at night." Rather than continue the bickering, Yugito immediately entered her Tailed Beast state, her body turning into a wraith of fire. The image of a cat of flames manifested itself before roaring and exhaling a large fireball at the Akatsuki ninja.

Kakuzu sighed and jumped away. "Don't die, Hidan," the man said.

"Hey!" Hidan exclaimed as he got hit by the fireball and was blasted away. "That fucking hurt, infidel! I'll enjoy offering you to Lord Jashin!"

The Nibi-fied Yugito snarled and slashed at the pale man, sending him flying. Of course, Akatsuki weren't Akatsuki for nothing. Hidan had managed to clip the giant, flaming cat with a pike. This had the effect of giving him an anchor to use to his advantage.

Hidan used it to right himself in the air and swing closer to Yugito, much to the giant cat's irritation. It tried batting him away with its claws again, but Hidan ducked and dived, taunting the cat each time it missed. He rolled in close and swung his scythe, actually managing to cut off bits of the fire that made up Yugito's Nibi form.

"Heh! You're dead now!" the man screamed. Twirling the scythe, he swung it just as he avoided another strike from Yugito's blazing paw. The special scythe cut deeply into the chakra cloak, nicking the Nibi's jinchūriki in the process.

The gigantic form of the Nibi flinched, hissing loudly at Hidan. "Loud fucking cat," Hidan exclaimed. He then brought the scythe to his lips and ingested Yugito's blood. Hidan's body blackened with white symbols appearing where his skeletal structure was.

It looked like a scene from a terrible horror movie.

And then Hidan stabbed himself in the lung. Well, he would have, had Naruto not appeared out of fucking nowhere and stopped him.

"Yo – Hey, stop that!" Naruto snapped, ripping the scythe out of Hidan's hands and chucking it away. He froze the surprised Hidan and turned his body from the neck down into an ice cube before smirking at the man. "You mad yet? But seriously, I have absolutely no idea who you are. Although, I really have to admit, you look pretty strange at the moment."

The giant flaming cat behind him dissipated and returned to a more human appearance. Yugito walked up to Naruto, panting slightly from her previous exertions. "Naruto, where did you come from?" she asked, wondering just where the hell her fellow blond had come from.

It was like he just appeared out of thin air.

Oh, wait a minute.

"Flying Thunder God," Naruto nonchalantly said.

Kakuzu rubbed his chin from the rock he was sitting on. "Where's the flash, brat?"

"Oh, that's subjective," Naruto answered.

"Subjective?" Yugito asked, raising an eyebrow. "How is that subjective?"

"She's right," Hidan said, joining the conversation. "That makes no sense at all."

"I can make it flash if I want," Naruto replied, crossing his arms and huffing childishly. "I'm the most amazing ninja ever, so I can make it do what I want. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Considering you're practically a baby ninja, yes," Kakuzu answered. "Now, can we get on with this? As amusing as it is to converse with you two, we're supposed to be capturing you."

Naruto realized Kakuzu, the famed hunter-nin, was in the cavern as well. In the blond jinchūriki's honest opinion... his presence made no sense at all.

"Might I ask why you're even in Akatsuki?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "I'm being paid a lot of money."

"Called it. No way a bounty hunter would randomly join up an organization bent on world destruction and/or domination."

Yugito's jaw dropped. "That's it? You joined Akatsuki because you were paid to do so?" Kakuzu nodded. "What about you, popsicle?"

Hidan snarled at Yugito and attempted to move, but Naruto's ice held firm. "Damn you! At least get this ice off of me! It's starting to fucking burn."

"You're immortal. What do you care?" Naruto quipped, grinning as Hidan jerked his head around. "At least answer the lady. I might release you if you do."

"Fine! Jashin damn you all!" Hidan thrashed about for a few more seconds before going still. "I joined Akatsuki because Kakuzu here is a pioneer in immortality!"

"For the last time, I am not a pioneer in immortality. There is no such thing as immortality."

"I'm a living contradiction, then!"

"You can die if you don't get enough nourishment," Kakuzu rumbled, giving Hidan a bored stare. Then he looked back at Naruto and Yugito. "Anyway, are we going to fight or not? I kind of want to collect my bounty money."

"What if I pay you instead?" Naruto asked.

Yugito palmed her face so hard that a red mark was left behind when she removed her hand. "Naruto, are you serious? They're both S-class, sadistic missing ninja! Why would you even ask them that?"

"Hidan's going to try and kill everyone regardless, but Kakuzu is cool," Naruto explained.

"Hey! I'm cool too, aren't I?"

Somewhere, a cricket chirped.

Naruto gave Hidan a blank look before unfreezing him. The Jashinist collapsed on the soggy floor. "Now you're not. Kakuzu is a really good hunter-nin and I believe having him help cut down the other Akatsuki members would help. He can still hunt down other idiots too."

"How much are we talking about to begin with?" Kakuzu asked, his interest piqued.

Naruto handed a note to Hidan, who was muttering obscenities under his breath. Hidan read the note, grinned, and then handed it off to Kakuzu. The sound of a register echoed throughout the cavern.

"Even I think that's a lot of money," Kakuzu said, grinning gleefully underneath his mask. "You see those zeros, Hidan? That's what'll get you far in life! Not your childish, false religion!"

"Shut up, infidel!" Hidan screamed. "At least I'm not a godless atheist like you are!"

"Hey, hey!" Naruto yelled, raising his voice so that he could maintain order. "Someone believing in a different religion than you or not believing in one at all doesn't give you a reason to be a prejudiced asshole!"

"It's not prejudice if it's true!" Hidan argued.

"Now that's subjective," Yugito piped in. She chuckled sheepishly when everyone turned to stare at her. "It's true, you know."

Naruto shook his head in amusement. "All right, are we done here? You go off and hunt some criminals since I changed your views with the power of my therapy jutsu."

"You mean with the power of your damning money," Hidan corrected. "What am I supposed to do anyway?"

"Oh, I have an idea..." Naruto said, smirking deviously.

VvVvV

=One of Orochimaru's Lairs=

"Why am I so amused by this?" Naruto asked.

"It's because you're insane," Karin replied. "Who else blows up settlements for a kick?"

"That was a corrupted settlement. Orochimaru had his roots in it," Naruto muttered. "It's not like I'm evil or anything... I'm just kind of morally ambiguous."

"Right," Karin drawled. "Anyway, where'd Hidan go? Is he through gutting the abominations yet?"

After searching for a moment, Naruto spotted Hidan dragging the upper half of a corpse. He was covered in blood and was humming a cheery tune. The man dumped the body on the floor and then bowed to Naruto. "Thank you, Lord Naruto, for giving me this settlement of infidels to sacrifice!"

"Yeah, no problem," Naruto replied, smirking at the Jashinist. "You find those plans yet?" Hidan handed over a slightly bloodied folder. "Thanks for not completely destroying it," Naruto flatly said.

"No problem!" Hidan cheerily replied. Then the man turned tail, began to hum his cheery tune again, and went to slaughter more of the abominations known as Orochimaru's experiments.

"Maybe I should've brought Tayuya along. She would've enjoyed killing them as well," Naruto mused.

Karin snorted. "Well, what do the files say inside the folder? What was Orochimaru planning?"

Naruto opened the slightly bloodied folder and quickly scanned the files inside. "He's sending some team of ninja led by a kunoichi named Guren out to... capture the Three-Tailed Giant Turtle thingy. That thing's respawned already?"

"Yeah, Isobu's been swimming around for a month now."

Why was I not fucking reminded of this, Kurama?

"...I forgot?" Kurama offered. Naruto groaned and gnashed his teeth. How was he going to ride a giant turtle thing at the beach now? He needed to get to it before either Akatsuki sealed it or Orochimaru's henchmen sealed it.

"It's in a random lake in this area... Wait, weren't Sakura, Hinata, Ino, and Shizune sent there? Shit, we've got to get going."

"What about Hidan?"

Naruto shrugged. "He'll keep killing stuff until he gets bored and then he'll probably gorge himself on ramen or something. The guy eats more than I do. Anyway, let's go."

Naruto grabbed Karin and the two vanished, leaving Hidan to enjoy killing human guinea pigs.

They ended up flashing right in front of a kunoichi with light blue hair. There were a set of males with the kunoichi, all of which seemed to be preparing for something.

What was even stranger was that there wasn't supposed to be a seal in that area... or was there? With Naruto, it's kind of hard to tell. His father probably threw Flying Thunder God kunai everywhere just for the hell of it.

Their sudden appearance caused Guren, her lackeys, and Yukimaru to jump in surprise. "What the – where did you come from?" Guren yelled, assuming a defensive stance.

Karin wobbled for a bit before a clone caught her. "Yeah, you can't be here. You're not exactly fighting material," the clone said.

"Hey! I can fight... kind of. By the way, giant super demon over there." Karin pointed in some random direction before the clone flashed back to the Hidden Leaf.

Despite the enemies getting ready to fight, Naruto turned to the nearby lake where he saw the Three-Tails floating in the water. "I'm happy now," the blond said, smiling cheerfully.

Everyone stopped and stared at him. Guren in particular frowned. "Why are you happy? We're Orochimaru's subordinates. Shouldn't you be fearing for your life?"

"Oh, I have a very small sense of well-being for myself. It's probably the reason why I used to run at people from a million miles away with a Rasengan in my hand." Naruto paused and then laughed slightly. "Then again, I don't know what's worse: the fact that I used to telegraph my attacks, or the fact that everyone remained still for my attacks."

Why the fuck would people stand still and allow some blond dimwit to shove a spiraling ball of kickass into their gut? Fortunately, this blond hero was not a dimwit... most of the time.

Before anyone could reply to that, the Three-Tailed Giant Turtle thingy roared and began to thrash around in the lake. From Naruto's perspective, it looked like Isobu was throwing a hissy fit.

"Wait... why is there a link between the Three-Tails and the brat over there?" Naruto asked, pointing to Yukimaru.

"Don't call him a brat!" Guren admonished, shifting her stance so that she would have an easier time of defending Yukimaru if anything threatened him.

Naruto raised an eyebrow at that. "I thought you were one of Orochimaru's lackeys. As in, not really giving a shit about the loss of life or horrifyingly disfiguring experiments."

Suddenly, a brilliant light enshrouded the Three-Tails, who was still thrashing around in irritation. Something was irritating it... right. Random link between a giant beast and a small boy. That makes sense.

"They're sealing the Three-Tails! Yukimaru, stop them!" Guren ordered before creating a crystal blade and running forward to attack Naruto.

Naruto began to dip, dive, duck, and nonchalantly evade Guren's frantic slashes. While he was doing it and further enraging Guren, he observed the sealing barrier surrounding the Three-Tails. "That's a pretty impressive-looking barrier," Naruto said.

Slash. Miss.

"Not very efficient, though."

Stab. Sidestep.

"I can think of several ways to make that barrier powerful enough to withstand Yukimaru's link, but it's going to break right about... now."

Cue frustrated growl, the yell of a brat, and the sealing barrier shattering, as well as a gigantic turtle demon thing's rampage.

Guren's sword finally made contact with Naruto's skin, only to shatter into a million shiny little pieces. The kunoichi was stunned. "H-How did you do that? Nothing can get past my jutsu!"

"I've heard that a million times before," Naruto replied. Then he frowned, feeling two irritating signatures appear. "Zetsu and... that guy? How is he – Oh, right, no Uzumaki Clan to seal him away this time." The giant turtle thing was also moving away from his position.

"What are you talking about?" Guren asked, standing still for some reason. Actually, the reason could probably be because she was talking. When someone is talking, they're not supposed to do anything else. That's how reality works.

"Actually, I'm going to do this." Naruto entered Sage mode and then flipped through some seals. He slammed his palms on the ground and yelled, "Summoning: Sharingan Can't Touch This!"

The Three-Tailed Beast in the distance vanished at the same time as a massive amount of smoke obscured Naruto's position. There was a roar and Isobu appeared, looking even more irritated.

Given how the turtle's face looked, you couldn't really tell when it wasn't irritated. The thing was missing an eye, for crying out loud.

Guren's jaw dropped. Yukimaru shrieked like a little girl... probably because he kind of looked like one. Guren's henchmen were all squashed when the thing was summoned.

And then Isobu gobbled Naruto and Guren up. Why a chakra construct would require sustenance of any kind was beyond human comprehension.

VvVvV

=Inside a Giant Turtle's Stomach=

When Naruto and Guren landed somewhere inside the beast's body, Guren rounded on Naruto, anger evident in her expression. "You... You...!" she snarled, unable to form words. She was that angry.

"Me... me...?" Naruto replied, raising an eyebrow. "Yes, I'm aware we're in this thing's belly."

Guren growled at the blond before storming away. "Hey, wait!" Naruto yelled out.

"What? What do you want?" Guren snapped. "It's bad enough that I was taking orders from Kabuto, but now I'm stuck in the stomach of a giant turtle!"

Naruto snorted. "Yeah, I'd be pretty angry if I had to take orders from Kabuto too. God, that guy's face just makes me want to punch him as hard as I can. And that's pretty damned hard. Besides, you're heading towards the large intestine."

Guren froze and her fair skin turned to an unhealthy shade of green. "I think I'm going to be sick," she muttered. She fell to her knees and leaned down, heaving slightly.

Naruto rolled his eyes, walked up to her, and rubbed her back in an attempt to stave off her nausea. After her stomach settled she rose and shoved him away from her. "I didn't need your help!" she yelled.

"Why do you keep yelling?" Naruto asked, rubbing his right ear. "Yes, Orochimaru is dead. I get it. That doesn't mean you have to get angry at the world or anything. Death is a natural process."

"For anyone except for you, Tailed Beasts, and the God of Death, not to mention reanimated people who aren't sealed away," Kurama piped in. Naruto ignored that.

"Orochimaru is dead?" Guren choked out, looking shocked. "He's immortal! He can't be killed!"

"Stop denying it," Naruto flatly said. "Who gave you your orders then? Orochimaru was removed from existence a while ago."

Guren sighed. "Kabuto gave us our orders... well, now me and Yukimaru since the Tailed Beast you so handily summoned squashed my men."

"Oh, did he? Damn, I should've killed him too when I had the chance," Naruto replied, snapping his fingers.

"You killed Orochimaru?" Guren asked in a shocked tone of voice.

"I summoned a Tailed Beast, so is killing Orochimaru so beyond your comprehension?"

"Not really, no..." Guren replied. Then she began to pace back and forth. "Why did you kill Orochimaru, by the way? And how, too?"

Naruto gave her a blank look. "You're kidding me, right? Orochimaru is a missing ninja from the Hidden Leaf, wanted for murdering babies and children all over the world. Sure, morality is all based on perception, but killing babies and children is just wrong. I'm fairly sure that's universal."

"I guess so," Guren murmured. "He did make me kill fangirls who thought they were jinchūriki, had the Sharingan, and thought that they were loved by everyone."

"That's not that bad, to be honest," Naruto mused. "But still, he killed babies and children. He's a pedophile too... I mean, when someone says 'I want that fresh young body of yours'..." The blond trailed off, looking at Guren meaningfully.

The light blue-haired kunoichi giggled at him before a horrified expression appeared on her face. "You didn't hear that," she said, creating a crystal blade and pointing it at Naruto's heart. "You heard nothing."

Naruto smirked at her. "I wasn't aware that finding something funny was a crime. Then again, people have fucking strange ideas of the perfect ninja." Naruto shook his head. Sure, he was a weapon and all, and he was perfectly fine with that, but he liked his emotions. They made life fun.

"What about Yukimaru?" Guren suddenly asked.

"You did seem protective of him," Naruto noted. "Is he your brother, family member, or lover? You never know if a lady's into that kind of thing."

Guren lowered her crystal blade and stared at Naruto with a deadpan expression. "He's someone I took care of when he was sick and then he became something more to me."

"So you're a pedophile too? I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but-"

"No! It's not like that!" Guren shrieked, stomping the ground with her foot. "He's like my little brother."

"And he's what caused you to doubt your loyalty to Orochimaru?" Naruto asked. "Don't act so surprised. You don't exactly say the guy's name with respect. But since Orochimaru's dead, you and Yukimaru can defect and head to the Hidden Leaf. We always like getting new people."

"That was really out of the blue," Guren deadpanned.

"Everything I do is out of the blue," Naruto replied. "By the way, is your Crystal Release a bloodline? Or did Orochimaru splice it into you in some horrifying, trauma-filled experiment?"

"Bloodline," Guren said.

Naruto nodded. "So the Hidden Leaf might end up getting a bloodline."

"What?" Guren intelligently replied. "I'm not some breeding stock for you to use?"

"Why do kunoichi always assume that? I just asked you to go to the Hidden Leaf."

"You implied something else though."

"If your mind is that dirty, I'll be happy to satiate it."

This caused Guren's jaw to drop. She stared at the smirking blond for a good thirty seconds in shock. "Did you seriously just ask what I think you asked?"

Naruto shrugged. "Duh. I'm a jinchūriki too, so I'll make it worth your time."

Guren's face turned red. Whether it was from anger or embarrassment was yet to be seen. She took a deep breath before replying. "If you get us out of here, I'll give you a chance. You don't look half-bad to begin with."

The blond jinchūriki grinned. "All right. Get out of here, Isobu."

The Giant Turtle Thing vanished and reappeared in the lake, causing Naruto and Guren to flail comically in mid-air before falling back down to earth. Yukimaru had been waiting there, as had the newcomers – four kunoichi from the Hidden Leaf – and all had greeted their respective comrades.

"Hey, Isobu!" Naruto yelled out to the Tailed Beast on the lake. "If you see a plant guy or a guy with a mask, fire at will!" The Beast waved its tail to confirm that it had heard him before going back underwater.

"So now what?" Guren asked, eying the Leaf kunoichi warily.

"Now... we head back to the Hidden Leaf. Jiraiya's got a trip he wants to invite me on, so we have to get you two registered," Naruto explained. Guren leaned down to Yukimaru's level and whispered something into his ear. The boy nodded before sighing in relief.

Hurray, no more Orochimaru.

"I guess we really do have a home now, don't we Guren?" Yukimaru said, smiling.

"I KNEW SOMEONE WAS GOING TO BRING IT UP!" Kurama mentally roared.