Chapter Eighteen: Tales of a Jinchūriki

"You look good with that hat, brat," Jiraiya said, grinning at the image of a Naruto in a white trench coat and the Hokage's hat.

The blond scowled. "I hate this thing. Tacky as it is, it still fucking itches," Naruto grumbled. He reached up and tried to scratch his head, but the hat's material prevented any form of gratification.

"Shut the fuck up and let's get going," Tayuya said, her arms crossed under her impressive bust and her right foot impatiently tapping the dirt.

Naruto looked chagrined for a moment before grinning and turning to the rest of the villagers who were seeing him off. Many shinobi were there too, as well as some of the kunoichi he had managed to, ah, attract. Some of them seemed annoyed that he chose Tayuya to go along with him.

Well, there was a reason for that. Jiraiya was there because he had perverted advice and Tayuya had a special sort of genjutsu that could wreak havoc on the rogue Sharingan-user that was sure to appear.

"All right then! To the Land of Iron!" Naruto exclaimed, whirling on his feet and pointing towards the massive gates. There were loud cheers, shouts, and general appreciation for Naruto. He had, essentially, led to a lot of good things happening for the Hidden Leaf, after all.

The trio walked out of the village, intent on reaching the Gokage Summit. Unfortunately, the Land of Iron was located far away in some freezing, desolate location, so it wouldn't end up being a vacation.

Naruto was annoyed by that. Why couldn't he just invite the leaders of the great villages to the Hidden Leaf? All of them liked him, so it wasn't like he was doing anything wrong.

"Damned protocol," Naruto muttered under his breath.

"What was that, brat?"

Naruto glanced at his godfather, who was humming as he was strolling along. He had a cheery face on and was obviously happy to be traveling again. Having Nagato and Konan ally themselves with the Hidden Leaf probably helped, too.

"I'm just saying that there wouldn't be a problem if the meeting was held in the Hidden Leaf. I wouldn't need to be Hokage. I still don't want to be Hokage. Seriously, how the hell do I revive the Hidden Whirlpool if I'm stuck in the Hidden Leaf?"

"Well brat, the Hidden Whirlpool was allied-"

"I know," Naruto interrupted in exasperation. "But I wanted to revive my old clan grounds..."

Jiraiya shrugged. "I don't get why you're whining. I doubt the random kunoichi you've attracted will all leave their villages just like that," the perverted sage said.

Naruto sighed. "Yeah, yeah... Taking care of all of those children will be annoying though. How the hell do I maintain a healthy relationship with so many kunoichi and children?"

"That," Tayuya began, entering the conversation, "Is why you need to tone down your charm. No one man can conceivably maintain a relationship with so many girls."

The blond blinked. "Did you just call me charming, Tayuya-chan?" he asked.

Tayuya's face darkened and she smacked the back of Naruto's head. "Shut up, shithead! I just said that it wasn't a good idea to get so many girls!" she exclaimed.

"Ooh, touched a nerve have we?" Jiraiya's grin faltered when Tayuya cracked her knuckles menacingly. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" The perverted sage waved his hands in front of his body in a placating manner.

"You know you love me, Tayuya," Naruto sang, smirking at the blushing redhead. She folded her arms across her bust, huffed, and then turned away from him.

"Yeah whatever, Lord Hokage," Tayuya mocked in a low tone.

After some traveling, the trio of ninja decided to set up camp. They built a fire, caught some random rabbits, and as they ate, Jiraiya decided to ask his godson about his past.

"Hey, brat?"

"Would it kill you to show a bit of respect? I mean, I am the youngest Hokage the Hidden Leaf's had..."

"Hell no. I called your father a brat when he was Hokage and I'm going to call you a brat. Get over it, brat."

"Fuck you, perverted sage."

"Can you two stop your incessant bickering?" Tayuya asked, shooting the two males a glare.

Both of them rolled their eyes. Tayuya was always irritable when it came to bickering males. She was too headstrong. "Anyway, what did you want, Pervy Sage?" Naruto asked, turning back to his godfather.

Jiraiya grimaced at the moniker. Even if it was a term of endearment, Jiraiya was still annoyed by it despite Naruto's repeated usage of the title. "Well brat, I'd just like to know more about your past."

"His past?" Tayuya asked, sounding interested. Naruto hadn't really talked about his past. "You mean shithead's past from his own timeline or whatever, right?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Jiraiya admitted.

"There's not much to tell," Naruto said, shrugging. "At least, not in my opinion. I kicked ass, I saved ass, I created serious-ass peace between all the villages. Sure, it was a pain in the ass, but I did it."

"You think everything's a pain in the ass, brat."

Naruto shrugged again. "You think bringing peace to a bunch of idiots who want to kill each other is easy?"

"We're getting off track here, shithead," Tayuya said. "Hey, perverted fuckhead, where should we start with his past?"

Jiraiya rubbed his chin. "Let's start with your background and continue onward from when you were born."

"All right," Naruto said, sighing to himself. "Given how much I know about you two... it's only fair. There might be some differences because what I told you before was pretty condensed."

He didn't really want to talk about his past. There were several reasons for that. The most prominent was mainly that it was boring to talk about and that it reminded him of how stupid the world he was currently in was. That served to annoy him greatly.

The blond made himself comfortable around the campfire that was crackling and cleared his throat. "Well, it begins like this. My Hidden Leaf had two jinchūriki: my mother was the first one and then it was me. Mito Uzumaki, despite being the first Hokage's wife, didn't get the Kyuubi sealed inside her."

"Why?" Jiraiya asked.

"Madara failed to hypnotize Kurama," Naruto replied. "He failed and instead decided to attack Hashirama without the fox. He got killed by the man before he could escape, however. The Kyuubi remained free, but because the other nations were capturing Tailed Beasts via seals stolen from the Hidden Whirlpool Village..." The blond trailed off.

Tayuya stared at Naruto blankly until Jiraiya decided to make an educated guess. "So, because the Hidden Whirlpool was still allied to the Hidden Leaf, not to mention alive, they decided to give them the Kyuubi in the form of your mother."

"Yeah, but it was a tightly kept secret. It was because of that secret that my mom was never really hated. She was nearly kidnapped by Cloud shinobi, but my dad wrecked their shit."

Tayuya snickered. Jiraiya's lips quirked. "That's one commonality with this timeline, although I suppose sensei told you about that."

Naruto shook his head. "He didn't. That's interesting; despite my timeline and this timeline being different, there are still similarities between obscurities. I guess some little things are meant to happen."

"No dabbling in philosophical bullshit here, shithead," Tayuya grunted out. "Keep talking."

Tossing an amused smirk at Tayuya, Naruto continued speaking. "When I was born, a masked man appeared and ripped the Kyuubi from my mom. Much like here, it caused a massive amount of destruction before my dad stopped it and sealed it within me. Both my parents died, but the perverted bastard opted to take over the seat of Hokage since the Third was rather sick of it."

"I still find that hard to believe," Jiraiya muttered, shaking his head.

"The crystal ball was probably the deciding factor," Naruto deadpanned.

Jiraiya giggled perversely.

"So who was the masked man that attacked?" Tayuya questioned, tilting her head to the side slightly.

"Some idiot named Tobi who got his ass sealed away by the Uzumaki Clan. He's in this timeline too, but the Uzumaki Clan aren't."

"So that's a problem," Jiraiya noted. "We'll deal with that later. Keep talking, brat."

The blond threw a glare at Jiraiya before continuing his tale. "Although I was orphaned, Tsunade and her family made many efforts to make sure I was happy. There were reasons for this, but they were necessary. Leaf's enemies were aware of the destruction and in order to dissuade them from attacking, I was given to Danzo for, ah, training."

Jiraiya frowned. "Is that why you have absolutely no problem with calling yourself a weapon? A lot of people would want to see themselves as human."

"We're ninja. Our bodies are weapons and we can still be emotional idiots. I don't see a problem with that," Naruto dryly said.

"Didn't you say that Danzo asswipe was the leader of Root or something and had a fuckton of emotionless drones under his command?" Tayuya's brow was furrowed as she stared at Naruto.

"Yeah, but old hag Tsunade and the perverted bastard over there made sure I didn't turn into an emotionless drone. Isn't that obvious?"

Jiraiya snorted. "So you got training. Were you better than your classmates?"

"I was still placed in a class to make sure I wasn't socially defunct. Everyone knew about my family and my jinchūriki status, but the alternate you made sure that I wasn't hated. That helped a lot, by the way," Naruto said.

Guilt flashed over Jiraiya's face for a moment before it was replaced by unease. "Err... you're welcome?"

"Keep talking," Tayuya said, rolling her eyes at Jiraiya. The perverted sage must have shirked his duties or something in this timeline.

"Some of my classmates had differing personalities. Hinata was much more confident, Kiba had some humility, Sakura wasn't completely useless at first, and the Uchiha Clan wasn't completely wiped out. Fugaku betrayed the clan, but Itachi and Sasuke helped bring fame and fortune back to it.

"We all graduated and I received a team for a short while before I got a field promotion to chūnin. Akatsuki began moving out and in order to combat them, I began to train in Kurama's chakra, as well as substantially increasing my other abilities."

"Akatsuki attacked earlier?" Jiraiya said sharply.

Naruto nodded. "Oh yes. They got the jinchūriki of the Ichibi first, but I didn't know him or her in my timeline. They sent Kisame after me shortly afterward and I was able to blast him away with smart usage of Wind Release techniques. It was also around this time that you decided to hand down the Hokage's hat."

"And here I thought I would be like the old man and stick with the crystal ball for a few more years."

Tayuya snorted. "Shithead told me about Sage Mode. He needed you in order to train and so some other dude took the hat."

"Dan," Jiraiya said, eyes widening slightly in realization.

"I told you that, didn't I? You decided to take me out of the village and keep moving so that Akatsuki wouldn't know where I was, as well as teaching me how to utilize my bar-pupils. In addition, I started messing with the Sealing Arts when we went to the Hidden Whirlpool."

"You also told me that the son of Tsunade and Dan, as well as Nawaki, helped control you when the Kyuubi's chakra went out of control," Jiraiya remarked. It took some willpower not to wince when he realized that Tsunade's heart had been successfully captured by someone else.

Ouch.

"Yes," Naruto said, nodding. "I managed to destroy some of the other Akatsuki members, but it eventually got to the point where Nagato had control over seven of the Tailed Beasts. So, I went to the Hidden Mist Village and trained under Yagura. It was where I synched up with Kurama and eventually fought Nagato."

"Wait, where does that Pakura bitch fit into all of this?" Tayuya asked.

Naruto shuffled in his seat. "While I was traveling, Dan gave me some missions to complete for pocket change. I met Pakura on one of these missions. Hiruko was part of Akatsuki, but his ambitions led to Pakura's death... and then I killed him." The blond shrugged.

"So you defeated Nagato and his Paths of Pain before?"

Naruto blinked in confusion before slowly shaking his head. "No. This Nagato used only his own body and had a lot of power. He had enough chakra to control seven of the Tailed Beasts. Kurama and I, as well as Yagura, came out successful in the end. We freed the Beasts and changed the order of things."

Jiraiya rubbed his head. "I don't think I'll ever comprehend you bringing peace to anything."

"Hey! I've totally done it before!"

Tayuya chuckled. "Considering you blow stuff up more often than not, I think the perverted shit over there has a legitimate reason to doubt you."

Naruto playfully scowled at Tayuya before yawning. "Let's sleep. I gave you an extremely edited version of my life and now I expect you to let me sleep."

"Wait, what about how you got here?" Jiraiya said, throwing Naruto one more question.

"I'll tell you later," Naruto sleepily said. He nonchalantly entered the tent Tayuya had just put up, eliciting a shriek from the redhead.

The loud sound of a slap echoed in the clearing.

VvVvV

=Land of Iron Fancy Meeting Room=

Naruto entered the room and sat in the seat designated for the Hokage as Jiraiya and Tayuya took their positions behind the curtain that hid them. It was for all of the bodyguards the Kage had brought.

Naruto felt familiar chakra behind those curtains. Haku, Samui, Karui, Kurotsuchi, Temari, and Kankuro. He saw Mei give him a cheerful smile and Gaara give him a respectful nod.

Well, at least he and Gaara were equals now; at least in terms of rank anyway. In terms of fighting... well, Naruto could obliterate them all. Not that he wanted to, of course.

Mifune, the leader of the samurai, entered the room and took a seat in the middle. "A Gokage Summit hasn't been called for since the founding of the villages. Welcome to the Land of Iron. This dimly lit summit is now in session."

"I've called for a summit because Akatsuki has gotten six jinchūriki, including my brother!" the Raikage exclaimed, tears flowing from his emotional eyes.

"Bullshit," Naruto interrupted. "Bee's too strong for any one member of Akatsuki to get rid of him. Kisame has a chance, but a Tailed Beast Bomb would handily obliterate him."

The other Kage and Mifune stared at him. "What? It's true, you know. Tailed Beast chakra incinerates stuff."

"You would know," Onoki said, giving Naruto an amused look.

"Can we get back to the issue here?" Gaara said, his monotone voice snapping the Kage back to attention.

The Raikage nodded and then slammed his fist down onto the desk in anger, prompting the guards of the Kage to appear in their defense... except for Naruto's. Jiraiya was jotting something down on a notepad and Tayuya was leaning back next to the perverted man.

The kunoichi that Naruto had lain with each winked at him... which was the majority of the kunoichi present. He hadn't really done anything with Mei or Haku yet, but they were still interested in him. Who wouldn't be, given his heritage, his status, and his rank, not to mention his personality?

"Lord Raikage, please!" Mifune chastised. "Refrain from causing too much damage to our infrastructure."

"Akatsuki has been attacking for months now! Aside from the Leaf's intervention, several jinchūriki have simply been plucked from their villages! Why have none of you done anything?" the Raikage cried out in outrage.

Onoki rolled his shoulders at the outburst. Gaara stared. Mei's lips quirked downward. Naruto was twiddling his fingers.

The Raikage pointed a finger at Onoki. "Maybe you've hired Akatsuki members to assert your dominance in ways that were diminished by age?" Then, he pointed at Mei. "Or maybe you have been backing Akatsuki all along, considering it was rumored to have begun in the Hidden Mist!"

The Tsuchikage and the Mizukage exchanged glances before bursting into laughter. The Raikage's eyebrow twitched at the dismissal of his claims.

The strange behavior from the two Kage elicited a tilting of the head from Gaara and a snort from Naruto. Mifune was fairly confused, too.

"I would have hired Akatsuki, but the blond idiot over there kind of stopped everything. Kurotsuchi's infatuation-"

There was a choked gasp from where the bodyguards were hiding.

"-with the blond and his power cemented my authority," Onoki finished, a grin spreading across his face. "Lord Hokage, I never managed to give my thanks for that."

"No problem," Naruto replied.

The Raikage grumbled to himself but then turned to the Mizukage expectantly.

Mei Terumi shrugged in response. "I killed Yagura, the Sanbi respawned in some random lake, and then Utakata ditched us. Yagura might have been controlled by a genjutsu as well."

Mifune frowned. "Who is strong enough to place a controlling genjutsu on a Kage? If Akatsuki indeed has such power at their disposal..." The man trailed off, giving each Kage a meaningful look.

All of the lights suddenly flickered on. The distorted sound of rushing wind echoed in the meeting room and, on a nearby balcony, sat the masked man. His one visible Sharingan eye looking down upon each of the Kage as if they were insects to be crushed underneath his feet.

"Well, I had that power... once upon a time, I did."

The Kage's guards all appeared next to their leaders, glaring warily at the sudden appearance of the masked man. This time, Tayuya and Jiraiya joined the fray.

"Who are you?" Mifune asked, appearing nonplussed.

The masked man chuckled, the odd noise echoing through his mask. His single Sharingan eye glinted in amusement. "I... am Madara Uchiha, and I am here to declare war upon the Elemental Nations."

There was a growl from Tayuya. "Bullshit! One man can't stand up to so many people! You'll run out of chakra and die from exhaustion before we do!"

"That, and he's not Madara," Naruto said, giving the masked man a skeptical look. "Seriously, if you were Madara, you wouldn't wear such an ugly mask. No Uchiha wears an orange mask. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Everyone sweat-dropped at Naruto's choice of words. Even the so-called Madara Uchiha was not free from the reaction.

"Besides," Naruto continued, not caring about the apparent confusion, "The Kyuubi can sense your chakra, idiot. You and Madara don't have matching signatures. Explain that, why don't you?"

Naruto was genuinely interested in learning the identity of the masked man. He had been disabled and defeated quite easily in the blond's own timeline, but in this one... not so much.

The masked man would've looked like a deer caught in headlights if ninja knew what those were, but his mask prevented anyone from seeing his expression. His body behavior made him out to be stunned, though.

"Err... I've done experiments that have made Tobi a good boy?" Tobi offered in a childish voice.

"You don't act like the Madara I've encountered, too," Onoki added, furrowing his brow at the enigmatic Akatsuki leader.

"Look, the point of this discussion is that an immortal being has declared war on you all because I have a plan that requires all nine Tailed Beasts," Tobi said, his voice tinged with irritation. "And no, me being immortal is not up for debate. I'm going to send Akatsuki's armies against you morons either way unless you hand over the Nibi, Nanabi, Hachibi, and Kyuubi."

That statement caused the Raikage's jaw to drop.

"We're not that afraid of you," Naruto said, frowning at the masked man. "Besides, why would you need nine Tailed Beasts anyway?"

Tobi pointed at Naruto. "I'm going to love tearing the Kyuubi from your gut, specifically. Once I have all nine Tailed Beasts, I will reform the Ten Tailed Eldritch Abomination, become its jinchūriki, and then control the world via an infinite Tsukuyomi cast on the moon." Then Tobi vanished, not allowing anyone to question his heinous and rather silly plan.

Naruto slammed his forehead into his desk. "Fuck! I should've killed him right there!" he yelled.

"Well, it looks like my brother isn't dead after all," the Raikage muttered, his body becoming more and more relaxed.

"I told you so," Naruto cheekily said, ignoring the red mark on his forehead.

"So," Mei began in her cheery voice, "How are we to deal with this imminent, extremely unstable and pretty stupid threat?"

"An alliance, perhaps?" Onoki suggested, surprising them all. He was supposed to be a crotchety old man set in his ways, after all. Maybe Naruto had influenced his daughter and Suzumebachi more than the blond knew.

"I'm more confused about how he intends to control the reformed Ten Tails," Gaara said in a monotone voice. "Moreover, how does he intend to control us all when the moon rises and falls? It won't always be present in the night sky. What if we're not even looking at the moon?"

"Not to mention the fact that he might not be able to control the Juubi," Mei added. "But Lord Tsuchikage has a point. If Akatsuki is willing to send its armies against the ninja villages, then it is prudent that we form a coalition to defeat him. He does control more Tailed Beasts than us, after all."

"We will hide the jinchūriki-"

"Are you kidding me, Gaara?" Naruto interrupted, scowling at the former jinchūriki. "We have the power to end this war on our own. Hell, I have the power to end this war on my own. No point in wasting life, right?"

"The point of this war is to capture the remaining four jinchūriki, Lord Hokage," the Raikage unnecessarily explained. "We'll hide you until we need you. Honestly, I doubt Akatsuki even has large armies. With the combined forces of the ninja villages, he'll fall."

Naruto sighed in resignation, still not liking having to hide from Akatsuki. "Fine. Where will we be hiding?"

"The information will be kept from Bee because he's too damn stupid to listen. I'm sure the Nanabi jinchūriki and Yugito will be open to reason, however. Our headquarters will be located in my village and you will all be hiding on the Island Turtle."

Onoki raised an eyebrow at the Raikage's statement. "That giant turtle that you've been caring for since the Hidden Cloud's conception?" A nod. "Well, that should be fine then. We'll have to hide this however."

"All jinchūriki like turtles, after all," Naruto muttered.

"It is decided then," Mifune intoned. "This alliance between the nations is official. More details will be hammered out in the Hidden Cloud. I wish us all good luck on destroying Akatsuki."

All of the Kage, as well as their guards were grinning at this. The transition towards an alliance wasn't much of an annoyance because of Naruto's... intervention.

As if to prove that, the Mizukage strode across the room, grabbed Naruto's face, and kissed him, much to everyone's surprise. The other kunoichi didn't really care either way because they were used to Naruto's polyamorous ways.

The males in the room, bar Jiraiya, who was scribbling furiously in a notepad, were all jealous. They all wished they had the magical ability to charismatically charm anyone they came across.

When Naruto and Mei broke for breath, Naruto smirked. "Active, are we? I'm sure we'll have to continue this later."

Mei, oddly enough, blushed in response. What a reaction from an adult woman in her early thirties, or perhaps or late thirties. Naruto didn't really make a comment on that. Never make a comment on a girl's weight or age. That's never smart.

VvVvV

=The Hidden Leaf=

"That's... very unbelievable, Naruto-kun," Hiruzen said, surprise evident in his expression. "I never expected Onoki to readily accept an alliance between the Hidden Villages."

"His granddaughter likes me," Naruto explained. "Plus, because I'm so awesome, all of the animosity between the villages was dropped immediately."

Tsunade snorted. "That sounds like you, brat. Enjoying the paperwork, by the way?"

"Oh yeah, totally. It helps when you're used to speed extremely beyond that which most shinobi train at." As if on cue, Naruto's body turned a shining gold. "I love chakra mode. Super-speed is so amazing."

Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Hiruzen rolled their eyes. "So we're sending you, Fuu, Yugito Nii, and Bee out to the Island Turtle in the Hidden Cloud?" Tsunade asked. "I don't suppose this is some gambit by the Hidden Cloud to have all of the remaining jinchūriki under their control?"

"Definitely not," Jiraiya said. "Fuu by herself is powerful enough to blast people apart and Naruto can take on everyone without breaking a sweat."

"True," Hiruzen admitted, stroking his beard. Then he sighed to himself. "I never thought I would participate in a Fourth Great Ninja War or whatever the hell people call it nowadays. Can't I just admit retirement?"

"Just go protect the daimyo," Naruto said. "Frail, old, fat, and completely freaking ordinary in every way aside from inbred deficiencies. Easy as hell."

"That might be so, but a Hokage's job, even in retirement, is to protect members of his village. I think I'll dust off the old armor and join the front lines once more."

"Whatever, sensei," Tsunade said, rolling her eyes. The door to the Hokage's office suddenly banged open, revealing a panting Hanabi.

"We've got confirmation, Lord Hokage!" she said. "The Fire Daimyo has agreed to the alliance! So have the other daimyo!"

"Excellent." Naruto grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Thanks, brat."

"I'm not a brat!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Naruto waved her off. He called in a few ANBU and told them to spread the news about the Fourth Great Ninja War.

It was time for the villages to mobilize once more. Naruto had to head to the Island Turtle, however, and so he appointed Hiruzen as the filler-Kage.

"Wait a moment," Jiraiya said, causing Naruto to screech to a halt just as he was about to leave the office via the window. "You need to head to the Demon Lantern Castle, where all super-criminals go."

"Why?" Naruto said, blinking owlishly.

"Assassination and infiltration, essentially."

"Fine. Do I get any more information?"

"Nope," Jiraiya cheerfully replied. "It's a surprise. I'm sure you'll have more to say about it once you figure stuff out."

A wooden cage sprouted around Naruto, locking him in as Tenzo/Yamato/whatever walked in. "You know, this doesn't work," Naruto deadpanned.

"Go along with it, brat," Tsunade said, smirking at the caged blond. "Never thought I'd see you caged up like that. It feels... oddly satisfying."

"Fuck you," Naruto muttered. "FUCK YOU ALL-"

Naruto was toted out by several chūnin. No one wanted to remark on how their Hokage was being sent to a high-profile prison, mainly because it was Naruto and there was always a plethora of silly reasons surrounding his actions.

"What did you do this time, Naruto? Peep again or something?" Kurama joked.

Why me? Why not Sasuke or something? He peeps all the time. I don't need to peep. I can just ask.

"You're more charismatic. Plus, maybe you'll meet someone interesting there. Either way, let's just complete the mission."

How? I don't even have any information! I was barely briefed on what's going on!

"Go along with it," Kurama said.

"Nooooo!"

Everyone heard Naruto's wailing cries as he was handed off to an escort guard and sent out of the Hidden Leaf and towards the Demon Castle Lantern.