Subaru couldn't stop tripping over his words the instant they came, every sound a mere noise. Subaru's thoughts were a jumble of 'What if's, like 'How would X feel knowing I did Y to them? Or they did Z to me?' Simple, light questions like that.

His friends have been unbearably sympathetic ever since Beatrice gathered them together like a mad mother hen.

"If this talking circle is so unspeakably awkward," piped up Meili, "then, Subaru, just tell us after one of your dinner stories. It's about your home again, right? Japan?" She was trying her best, her very best, to empathize with the challenge of opening up about one's darkness. And, sure, a little wine and full bellies all around would probably make the dialogue flow easier, but…

"Subaru has zero intention of telling this to the entirety of Lugnica Castle," Beatrice explained.

Subaru would object, but he had murmured in his morning fog and delirium, "Everyone… I can Return by Death," many times after saying it aloud to her and Emilia for the first time. Beatrice was correct to assume he wished to tell those closest to him first—Roswaal notwithstanding, due to his absence from the continent.

"Subaru." Rem was gazing straight at him, her eyes smiling while keeping the mood appropriate otherwise. "If you can't trust yourself, then have faith in us. Believe in those who call you 'king' second."

It was like everyone had gathered for an intervention. They were all here for him, and now that it was time...

How does one even start this conversation? 'I've died and watched you die, and you killed me or got me killed but it was an accident-slash-misunderstanding ha.'

Part of Subaru wished he'd decided against deciding against approaching this lightheartedly; he might have been able to psyche himself into manchild-territory, as in the old days. But hindsight was 20/20, something Subaru had gotten quite good at seeing through—and there was no way in Hell he could play off his rapturous chanting of "Return by Death" as a joke now. Not after seeing Beako's hands upheld as if he was a bucking bronco once the thrill had faded.

That, and his dear wife's revulsion beside her.

Okay, not revulsion—that was Subaru's a gut reaction, in the same vein as reading Emilia so negatively there. Which, thank you very much, she and Subaru have gotten better at ignoring; the anxious voice gnawing at the backs of their respective heads was quieter for longer periods than in the early days of their friendship.

Frederica finally sat down with her own cup of tea, after serving or offering to everyone else. The Reading Room—Beatrice's "playroom" when Subaru and Emilia wished to have a night to themselves—crackled against the silence, hearth ablaze. Smoke billowed vaguely within its luster, inhaled by a seal embedded in the mortar.

Before it, the broad back of a man swelled as he breathed deep, stretching the leather of his purple jerkin. The tuft of blonde visible beyond his shoulders shook. "'Kay, since all'a you are too ulgarm-shit to nut up, I'll come out and say it." Garfiel Tinzel turned, crossing his huge arms. "Boss, what the Hell scared ya so bad...? That'cha need all of us to deal with it?" He cracked his knuckles. "I swore off warrin' for ya, but not guardin'. M'not in the business of letting little-bitch-assassins walk free. Or at all." A snicker. "If only for a couple months. Just tell me who needs thrashing, and I promise you, you'll sleep soundly for the rest o' your life."

Right. That's how it's been to these guys, ever since the Sanctuary: if Subaru had a plan, it was wise to follow suit. If Subaru said, 'I need you to do X,' then 'X' should've been done yesterday.

Yet another can of worms dumping itself within his guts, writhing horribly, so bad that Subaru couldn't speak. How would everyone react to that little truth, Garf most of all?

"Brother, honestly," Frederica sighed, taking a biscuit from the spread her queen had ordered. "Surely you can tell this isn't one of those times. And besides—"

"Yeah, no shit, I heard the Boss blubbering from across the hall." Then why was Garf's first instinct to assume an assassin had gotten past Emilia and Beatrice, not to mention the Knights of Lugnica?

"How many times must I tell you, Garf?" With her beast paws Frederica carried the teapot to Ram, who flicked her cup for more across from Subaru. "He's no longer 'Boss,' but 'Your Grace.' I feel your worry, but the heat of the moment is when maintaining formalities is most critical."

"Aw, screw the titles! It's not like we're in public—!"

"Could you go back to being their obedient little tomcat?" Ram nodded thanks to Frederica. "So noisy. It's embarrassing to be part of a kingdom where you hold a higher position in court."

Turning slightly towards her, Rem said, "You say that Sister, but you're lashing out for precisely the same reasons." Any other day—any other mood, really—Subaru would jab Ram with an 'Oh snap!' Now, her lightheartedness was a thing he shouldn't tamper with. That's how it felt. "Don't be anxious," Rem continued, as if reading the room's thoughts. "Subaru isn't asking for more from you than to listen. Subaru," she addressed directly, eye throwing a glance at Frederica (who had the grace to blush), "has a good reason for this gathering. Just have faith."

"Tch." Speechless save for a scoff. Classic. "Good. Listening is all this Ram has to give." It was always a thrill seeing Rem speak her mind, especially towards her twin.

Otto sipped his beverage with an exhale. "I'll play Witch's Advocate here: I think I speak for everyone when I say, we're all a little worried. At least when it comes to that expression on your face, Mister Natsuki. On that note, I personally sympathize with Lady Beatrice's, ah, candid demand of everyone's attention and presence here... but also Miss Ram's irritation. We need to know how to help you, Mister Natsuki; at least to validate all fuss."

"'Fuss?!'" Betty huffed, twintail fluffing against Subaru's chest as she twisted her head aside. "Your mortal nonsense can wait, I suppose. Your 'fuss,' as it were. It can always wait, for Subaru-!"

"Uh, no? It can't, actually. Mother Nature is a cruel mistress, I'm sorry to say."

Part of Subaru wanted to laugh: the mental image of Otto shrieking at Betty's sudden arrival through the bathroom door, library behind her. But the idea of Beako tearing through the castle with her seldom-used Door Crossing was too heartwarming to make amusement come strongly. That was on top of Otto's loyalty, who cut his morning routine short; Ram, who got out of bed early without once (so far) mentioning it; Rem, who said a great deal in the way she eyed Petra's seat beside Subaru upon entering, and Emilia's even longer, only to sit beside her twin after a genuine smile to Subaru, if one that was a little sad.

"What a needless, tone-deaf exchange," Meili sighed in the ensuing silence, squeezed between Petra and the sofa's edge. "This is clearly one of 'those' conversations, fools. At least read the room."

"R-right!" Petra balled her fists, still in her pajamas like her roommate. "You could at least take this as seriously as Lady Beatrice." Pointing at their older brother-figure, she said, "Therefore, I'd better not hear any complaining for the next the hour, Mister Otto! Subaru was already waiting for us before you dragged your feet getting here, so don't blame Lady Beatrice for her diligence when you were the last one to show!"

"This is going to take an hour?" Ram sighed. "I'm already tired."

"You ladies are brutal." Otto went to fix his cap out of nervous habit, only to find his long hair flowing free.

"A weakling's term for honesty," Ram and Meili said at once. Petra snorted like a pig, bursting into giggles within her hands. The Royal Mabeast Master lowered her face, but Subaru saw the way she smiled at Petra.

It was hard to believe those two were fifteen. Definitely not the little girls Subaru had first met, their complex, young hearts presented in countless angles and twice as many life-or-death scenarios—the vast majority of which they never realized he was familiar with, aware of right now. The thought terrified, though it'd been a pleasure, watching them flourish into healthy young ladies across the trials that faced Emilia's camp. And yet, somehow, they were still the precocious Petra and the moody Meili at heart.

Maybe that's why Subaru couldn't find it in himself to interrupt, to start. To let everything be known, after four long, lonely years. Just the idea that there was roughly a whole year's worth of history that only Subaru remembered… on top of all the other nonsense…

Would Ram dismiss him? Would Garf lose respect?

Would Rem be disillusioned with her hero?

Would Emilia call him a fraud?

Would Beatrice mark "All of the Above" if this were an exam question?

Probably not. To all of those, a certain "no."

Probably.

Certainly.

Subaru shook his head. Nothing was definite, and people were complicated—these were the things most consistent across his countless brushes with death.

"Now he can't say a word! Boss! The hell is wrong?!"

"Garf!

"C'mon, Sis! Couldja give any less of a shit?!"

The softness of Frederica's features vanished with the baring of her teeth. "That's not funny." The brother, who was just as big as her, shrunk without a word.

"Subaru can take as much time as he needs." And all eyes, even Subaru's, were on their queen. "He requested an audience with our original household. As such, no, as a royal command, you must respect his pace." That almost made Subaru sound like an actual king.

"Then as his wife and queen, order him to be a man already. At the very least."

"Sister…"

"Screw off, Ram! He's manlier than you!"

"Amazing. Clap-clap, Garf." Ram didn't even try and mimic the gesture, sipping from her tea instead. "Now spend the rest of your life wondering why I'm congratulating you."

"As if I need t' think t' figure out you're just bein' a bitch as usual!"

"Yet you still had to 'figure' that out. A point for Ram and her superior comebacks."

"Sister, you aren't being a—um, er… Look, we're all just a little bit on edge—"

"Not a single one of you understands how serious this is, I suppose." Beatrice looked down, fingers locking together upon her striped lap. "You… simply don't understand what it is myself and the—our Elf Queen saw. What we've seen, nearly every night." Though her face was out of view, the daggers in her gaze practically sparked with everyone else's as she glanced at each, parrying them downcast. "Subaru's had enough of his pain, enough suffering in silence, I suppose. Not only that, but he divined this rabble worthy of knowing his scars, in fact." Her hands wrapped hard around Subaru's forearms—the part he'd always gouge bloody amidst dreams of the Great Rabbit and other starved monstrosities. "There's no greater reason or motive," Beatrice said directly to Garf. Then, to Ram, "And that makes him more courageous than any one of you." For Otto, Betty scoffed. "Pathetic trash. Betty often forgets what Subaru sees in this lot, I suppose."

"Safety and comfort," said Emilia, squeezing tight around Subaru's bicep. "A place he chose to stake his flag and fight. Harder than any one of us amidst our own battles, I'm sure."

While, objectively speaking, she wasn't wrong… it felt wrong, comparing degrees of hardship. To use "I'm suffering" as an excuse on top of that. Everyone had their personal battles they've spent their whole lives clawing through the mud to win. Subaru, at the very least, started from zero, three years ago in their eyes. Much shorter than any one of them, just by virtue of growing up in a softer country.

"Everybody knows," said Emilia, "how hard Subaru has fought. And not once has he uttered a word of complaint, even though he's cried and bled so much for our sake." Emotion fractured Emilia's voice, yet it rendered all to avoid her glare.

She really didn't know.

She'd no idea the extent of what's happened, in all their lives, in Subaru's. Maybe… dumping all this baggage on them isn't the smartest, most calculated idea.

"Subaru, you're shaking," a soft voice mumbled. Emilia kept her gaze steady, wet and warm. "Again." She inhaled unevenly. "You shake so much in your sleep, Subaru, and I can't stand it anymore…"

"Mili…" Of all the things he could have remembered, it was the first time he saw those sharp, mistrusting eyes turn back to help him after crossing an alley. "Emilia…"

She straightened, looking ready to leap out of her seat, sharp eyes wide. "Subaru?"

His voice was gone. "Em—ilia…" Thoughts simply ceased to be.

"Subaru, I'm here, Subaru." She caressed his cheek as if to prove it, so soft and tender. God, he loved everything about this girl. "Y-you're staring, Subaru." She suddenly dropped her face, tinged slightly pink. "It's so clear all of a sudden and intense and—and sad," she choked, "Subaru… Why?"

"Because when…" And words failed him yet again. Yet again. Why?! "Dammit!" Subaru cried. "Pouring my guts out is the one thing I'm actually good at! Why now?!"

The back of Beatrice's soft head thumped against his chest, tiny hands stroking the length of his forearms. "There's absolutely zero reason for you to feel scared here, I suppose." He could hear her swallow. "Start from the beginning and guide us through to the present. Betty, at the very least, wants to hear everything. To the last detail, in fact."

"Beako!" Subaru squeezed her into him, truly loving the way her grip "hugged" him back.

"I love you." Emilia's hand drew circles against his back. "No matter what you've done, I love the Subaru who saved me, and I saved in return. That present isn't going to change, no matter how terrible your past."

"Then…" Subaru swallowed those damned words before reaching deep; into the beginning, Return by Death, the pain and the dying and the pain of watching them all die. "Emilia…" She was beside him, and Betty upon him. Petra sat ever steadfast, determined gaze preceding Meili's sidelong, patient glower. She'd long forgiven herself, as had Garfiel across the room—for everything that happened after the Sanctuary fiasco, all the trouble their rowdy, younger selves had caused the camp. Frederica and Ram had always treasured him in their own, awkward ways, clearly, and Rem…

Rem was all of the above and then some.

And Otto was Otto, a bud for life who glued himself to Subaru's side, even at his nth "lowest point." Many times. Many, many times.

God.

"I'm such an idiot," Subaru chuckled, grinning to the ceiling.

"Subaru?" Turning to the one who ought to be shared this directly, Emilia was found, fists wrapped around his sleeve with a sticky, flushed face. "What's wrong, Subaru? Are you in chronic pain?"

"Nah, no. My heart isn't being clenched or anything, Mili. Honest."

She let go of his sleeve. "Your heart? That's so specific; what're you talking about?" Emilia shook her head with a sigh. "Sweet husband, your mood swings are possibly the one thing I'll never fully be able to keep up with."

A laugh couldn't be helped by this point. Subaru must have really looked manic at times, thanks to the checkpoint system. "That'll be interesting to explain. But at least I can, now."

"Hmph. So there's actually a reason for that." Ram's upturned palm chopped Otto in the chest. "Pay up, cabbie."

"D-don't make it sound like you made a contest out of such a thing! Especially with me involved!"

Subaru shook his head at the two. "Thanks for breaking the tension. But you can take it easy, 'cause I'm done hiding behind it."

Otto looked perplexed, because yeah, he definitely wasn't in on it. Ram, however, set her tea in front of her. "If you say so, Barasu," she uttered gently. "You have point-five seconds to explain everything. Go."

'Very well,' nodded Subaru. "Emilia."

"That was one second. You failed, Barasu."

With a chuckle Subaru turned towards Emilia, who met him halfway with that cute determination. "Do you remember," he said, "way back when we met, after I helped Crusch's people stop the Witch's Cult?"

Emilia gasped softly, and Subaru adored her for reacting to the memory so strongly. He was selfish like that. "Y-yes?" she urged.

"And, um, do you remember… why I did all that? And everything else?" Subaru cleared his throat, stopping himself from rambling. "You remember what I told you back then?"

"Always." Emilia clasped her hands together. "I'll never forget it."

"Heh, I didn't think you would. Nor will you, as I tell you the rest." It felt right, starting from here.

"Subaru?" Emilia tilted her worried face aside. "I don't understand, it almost s-sounds like you were, um..." She bit her lip, unable to hold Subaru's gaze any longer.

He nudged it back up, though returned his hand into his lap. Emilia showed no reaction to the loss of contact. "Sounds like I was, and always have been, lying to you, huh?"

Emilia shook her head. "Not quite. I'm not the womanchild who took every hidden truth as a slight against her." She held the false green crystal hanging at her throat. Subaru fought the urge to offer encouraging words, as Emilia wasn't trying to make this about her in the first place. "No, it's not that I feel lied to. I guess, you could say, I'm worldly enough to parcel out the different kinds of pain a lie makes me feel: 'it hurts because they don't trust me.' 'My chest aches, it's like they didn't know what I would actually want.' 'I thought we trusted each other.' I thought we shared everything, but was that all a lie?'" Emilia took a breath before her words quickened to the point of awkwardness. "That's a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm sorry, but I'm sure these feelings are misplaced."

Her exhale, staggering as her lap was pat, hitched upon meeting Subaru's eye; he hoped this was one of those times where they looked kind and not angry. "You're as blunt as ever, Mili." He smirked. "But I'm glad I knew what you'd be feeling going into this. Hopefully, once I finish—"

"I'm s-sorry for jumping to conclusions. I really am," Emilia mumbled.

"You're fine, Mili. Relax—all things considered; this isn't gonna be something that changes our relationship. At least not badly! I mean, it'll definitely seem that way at first, but it doesn't change anything either! Ugh, God, I feel like I'm making it worse."

"I can't shake the feeling that this is too big a deal to feel comfortable, Subaru. I mean, it's you, after all. I don't know what's coming, but I can tell all this buildup is warranted. In fact, knowing how much of a tough guy you are, this is probably more subdued than it ought to be." Emilia pouted. "You're too relaxed sometimes; it's starting to make me more worried than calm, you know!"

Subaru poked the air out of her cheek, then laid his palm against it. "Yeah, I do." He took Emilia's hands, their quivering gone to the touch. "I could blame the paradox of being a man—not wanting to hurt his loved ones, even if that means hurting them by playing Mister Tough Guy. Now, let's be honest, everybody," Subaru said, addressing the rest of the small library. "I've never had success, pretending to be something I'm not. Even when it seems like I got a plan, I'm definitely not the military tactician the rest of Lugnica sees me as. You all know me enough to kinda get that feeling. Am I wrong?"

"Absolutely not. It's the smartest thing you've ever said."

"Thanks, Ram." Subaru went from deadpanned back to sincere as easily as ever. "I'd give, well, not everything, but my life would be a heck of a lot easier to offer if I could be even half that cool."

Subaru's arm was squeezed tighter than the one in Emilia's. "You're the coolest hero in Lugnica history," grumbled Petra. "You're cooler than Reinhardt, even."

"Even though I broke a little girl's heart?"

"Don't remind me of my cringey old self!" Petra practically leapt away, burying her face in her hands—Meili beside her pouting straight ahead.

Subaru ruffled her hair. "Thanks, Petra." Everybody else looked surprisingly sympathetic. Hopefully it wasn't in pity for the obviousness that Subaru was, somehow, never earning his victories honorably. Or skillfully. Or worthy of any note.

They totally thought that, right?

There was no way they believed he was practically omniscient every time something bad happened.

"Let me finish, now." Subaru made his voice a notch louder than the vibe of the room. Turning to his wife, to her full attention, he began: "I love you, Emilia. You know that, but it bears repeating. You know I wouldn't willfully lie about this, but I'm afraid—terrified, honestly—that this's gonna be so bad you'll forget why I fought to get here in the first place. So… please, don't," Subaru chuckled. "Don't forget what I told you after we defeated Sloth. Don't forget that I love you, Mili. Everything I've done… even the reckless things that made you sad… I did all that because I wanted to help you. To save you, first, because you… 'cause you saved me. You saved my life, Mili, do you understand?"

Emilia barely made a sound. "Wait, this idea again? What does this have—?"

"When I first came into this world." Subaru swallowed something caught in his throat. "That's when you saved me. That's what I've always wanted to tell you, but never could."

"You're referring to… to 'how,' I take it?" Emilia shrunk back when Subaru confirmed this. "You… you were the one who saved me, though!" Emilia's hand went to the side of her head, staring holes into her lap. "I mean—! I mean... I understand it was all because you loved me. And I'm not at all doubting that, but… initial sexual attraction aside, I just don't know how you could feel so strongly, so recklessly, when I hadn't earned such a thing in the first place. Not at the time, not before we met at the loot house. Not... from what I could remember..."

"O-oh, right…" Subaru could never fully explain his "love at first sight" dedication to Emilia without Satella intervening. Maybe it was a blessing, now that he was faced with this reality: that is to say, Emilia's understanding of their relationship's foundations having never been what she thought. For three years, she was wrong. Subaru had technically lied, but she hopefully won't see it that way, right away: after all, Subaru's dedication, the thing that tormented her in the early weeks of their friendship, had always been more complex than mere attraction.

Hopefully she focused on that part of the matter before everything else.

"Subaru?" Emilia mumbled into her hands. "There's a dread creeping into my chest… That I was a jerk for sorta avoiding you, after learning how babies were actually made."

"I can't believe you were blind to Barasu's lecherous nature beforehand."

It's less that Emilia was blind, and more that she was disbelieving of his sincerity. Actually, Subaru realized, turning her shoulder to him, attention following. "Sadly, I wish that part could be untrue: yeah, I was pretty head-over-heels for you when we first met, sorry to say! So, no worries there—you're blameless for thinking that, even with the complete truth in mind!"

Emilia's smile looked a little too relieved. "Oh, Subaru. Don't scare me like that."

"There's more to it, though. A part I couldn't tell you until now: about how you saved me. And I'm not tryna be abstract and romantic here or whatever, I mean it. You literally saved me, Emilia—an annoying, know-nothing idiot who picked a fight with three guys bigger than him." If the fireplace wasn't crackling, one could hear a pin drop. In this current warmth, Subaru's heart felt at ease—anxious, but not ready to be crushed.

It was finally out there. He could finally recall this precious history.

"Subaru…" Emilia was nothing but worried, like he had lost his mind. "I don't remember fighting anybody that day, outside of the Bowel Hunter. And I would've definitely remembered your clothes if I saw them before coming to the loot house."

"But that all happened, Mili. I know why you don't remember this, but it's part of this curse I've been stuck with since coming to this world." Subaru said all this without so much as flinching from Emilia's gaze, who held in turn, albeit with greater struggle. "You don't think I'm lying," he stated. Hoping.

Emilia shook her head in agreement. "But I am afraid, if I'm being honest. Your passion isn't fake, but these memories… Subaru, what happened to them? How could they vanish? And who threatened you into keeping their existence a secret?"

"Yeah," growled Garf, cracking his knuckles. "Just point, and Queenie and I'll make mincemeat outta him 'r her 'r them."

"M-Mili! Guys! Just wait until the end—!"

"It's Pandora…" Emilia's eyes went wide, hand clapping herself on the mouth. "Unless it's Pandora, we'll need a lot more help—"

"Mili."

"She won't hurt you, though! Not anymore, Subaru! I promise!"

"It's not her, Emilia, it's Satella!"

Emilia's eyes went agape as Beatrice stiffened against him, and across the room Rem murmured, "S-so the Witch's scent—"

"Is definitely from the curse," Subaru finished. No more misunderstandings. "And my smell got worse every time it activated, as some of you could tell."

"I don't mind it," Beatrice murmured.

Garf shifted from one foot to the other. "Yeah. Sure. Guess that makes sense, but what's it even do?"

"How often have you abused this power?" Rem swallowed, glaring at the curse inside him. "Subaru, what has the Witch of Envy done to make your smell so pungent?"

"I'm glad it's not driven you mad, in fact." Beatrice said in a tiny voice, "And what's allowing you to give the details today if you smell worse than ever?"

"Guys, please, this's a lot to address at once—"

"The Witch of Envy…" Emilia's hands were clasped together against her chest. "All this time… right under my nose…"

Subaru offered her an open arm, though it took a pat on the back to get Emilia to lay into his side—that's what he thought would happen, until her arm sneakily pulled his shoulders into a tight embrace. "I don't even want to imagine what you've been through, but..." Emilia said, hand on his hair, "she'll never hurt you again, m-my king, my Subaru. I swear it."

"Emilia—"

"If whatever you're about to say is argumentative, I would appreciate it if you don't insult me by downplaying the matter." In the silence, the stillness of Subaru's heartbeat, Emilia's breath hitched. "I'm sorry," she murmured, softly once again, "it's just… I can't get the last three years out of my head, Subaru. All your pain, all your crying, it's—"

"It's because you 'return by death,' I suppose."

Subaru stammered—he had yet to really get into the specifics of Return by Death. Sure, in the subtext, it was clear, but to hear it outright acknowledged…

It was surreal to say the least.

"'Return by Death.'" Beatrice murmured. "That's what you were chanting like a prayer: 'Return by Death…' That is how it works, I suppose—Subaru 'returns' to a point in the past, but only if he dies… I-I suppose. I suppose, right? Subaru?"

The uncertainty was clear, her hope apparent in the way her voice trembled. "Sorry," Subaru sighed. "I'm about to break your heart, Beako." She was a statue within his tight embrace, beneath his cheek on her head. "I wish activating it could be done with a harmless prayer. But I called her Authority that for a reason."

All jumped to the harsh sound of Frederica's chair groaning away as she shot up. "I can't bear any more—!" she cried, only to flush under the collective stare. "I mean, I don't wish to, but… but I'll bear to listen." Her intense, unflinchingly warm gaze bore straight into Subaru's heart. "I get the feeling that it's the least I could do."

"S-Subaru..." Betty's voice was so little that it pained him. "You... must have endured much these last several years, I suppose."

He almost denied it, nearly downplayed for the sake of all the friends now aching at the sight of him. Subaru could disrespect their feelings any more than he already had. "I hated it, you know... I never got used to it..." Subaru tried to stop, before he worried them more. "I... always wanted to die... when it was happening. Wh-when I was dying, for it to be over for good... every time, I wanted that pain to never happen again. But then, I'd be back at the return point, every damn time." Horror crept into every one of their faces. "And I was—I was glad, I'm always glad that I have the chance to save all you!" Subaru had to explain himself better. "I'm glad! I promise! I'm so grateful for this power, I really, really am!"

They weren't buying it. Everyone could tell Subaru regretted more than cherished.

He couldn't help but sob, ashamed and ashamed for feeling so. He wasn't sure how many people were pressing themselves against him, but it was definitely more than Emilia and Beatrice for several moments.

When he finally looked up as they separated everyone was on their feet, utterly sympathetic.

A strangled sound burst forth from Subaru. "I'm fine!" he sobbed, laughing, making them wince. "I'm fine, it's just… the moment! ...Thank you. Everyone. I'm sorry."

Emilia hugged him tight. "You've nothing to apologize for."

"I know…" It overwhelmed him: Beatrice acknowledging Return by Death; a friend Subaru loved dearly figured out his power. Knew about it now. "You're… you're amazing, Beako. Those deduction skills earlier..." She was shuddering in his arms, trying not to cry over it. It was like the ultimate certification of caring, and that was so awful that a sob burst forth into her hair. "I love you, Beako!"

Her little inhale fractured halfway into a gasp. "Subaru…" Her hands pawed awkwardly to comb at his cheeks until he snatched them tight, wrapping around Beatrice's convulsing torso.

"Yes," was all Subaru could manage. This wasn't at all how he imagined or wanted it, but it was too late to play the cool guy now. "Right on the money as always, Beatrice."

"Wait," cried Garf, shoving himself off the wall, the further from Subaru in the room, "so she's for real? You actually can't die?"

"How? How did you even find this out?" Had Ram not wisely gripped her by the skirt, Rem would have yanked Subaru from his seat; she looked ready for it,

"W-wait… wait, wait, wait." Emilia held her heads. "Just, wait, everybody," she grunted haltingly. "This's a lot to… When, earlier," Emilia held her forehead, other hand up to Subaru, "earlier, when you said y-you, that you that you saved me… you're saying, Subaru, that you literally 'r-return by—?'

Subaru smiled and inhaled to calm her, only to choke as his sleeve was strangled tight, Emilia's downcast, bang-shielded gaze attached on the other end. She inhaled, only to press her lips tight.

Then, in a soft, small voice: "Please."

Subaru couldn't stand the sight of the truth already breaking Emilia's heart. Beatrice's stillness wasn't any better, nor the enormous, unblinking stares of the twins, Otto, Garf, or the teenage girls on the left.

Everyone reclaimed their seats now that Subaru had collected himself. "Yeah," he croaked. "I've died... so much... to save our lives, in every bad thing that's ever happened to us."

"Spirits," Emilia wheezed, "all your crying, then... Your perfect, crazy plans..."

Subaru nodded. "But it's because you saved me, Emilia, the first time we met," he said.

"This is... true?"

"You were tearing through the capital, tryna get your insignia back from Felt, who swiped it to sell to the Bowel Hunter, because she was hired by Roswaal..." Subaru shook his ramblings out of his head. "I hardly understood what you were really going through at the time, thinking, feeling. Man, I was a real loser, Emilia: clinging to you, trying my pathetic best to get you to like me." Emilia's gaze glistened, unwavering. "All because you stopped and saved some asshole, despite everything going on in your cute little head. I might've been dumb and selfish, but even the me back then could tell you didn't have the time or freedom to entertain my stupid posturing. I was selfishly afraid of someone taking advantage of that, of you wasting your life on... someone like me, ironic enough. The me at the time, anyway."

"And yet, you stopped and saved me." It wasn't until Emilia's hand touched her throat, her eyes beginning to well, that Subaru realized he was smiling. "Looking back, you even kinda befriended me—with no consideration for your own needs on top of that. And that—!" Emilia gasped, eyes flashing wetly upon him. "That sounds like something I would do at the time, but, if this is all true, then... what happened at the loot house? What happened to make me forget this?!"

"You don't remember, because… you… well, you died, Emilia." He waited for the laughter, the objections, the scoff from Ram or a gasp from Rem; Emilia to make a puzzled noise or… something. Anything.

Emilia stared and stared, processing this. That was more than enough 'reaction shots' for Subaru.

"Or, more specifically…" Subaru took a deep breath. "I died… Um, I got gutted by Elsa before I even realized what was going on—"

"Boss, shit..."

"—and-and-and I promised, that I'd save you, and when I did, I was-I was back. At the appa stand! Remember? I was back at the appa stand, and you were alive, though I didn't meet you in that loop—oh, and I can't control where my checkpoint, err, return point is, never. B-b-but I didn't care! I didn't even realize I'd died! I went back to the loot house to get your insignia, and Old Man Rom was alive! And I got your insignia and I was so happy, but then Elsa came, and sh-sh-she killed the old man and Felt, too, and then me! She bled me out and it—it hurt, God, it hurt so bad; dying always hurt so bad..."

And now Emilia knew about it, her heart audibly breaking in his ears. "I'm sorry!" He'd hurt them all just as badly, so many times. "I'm sorry!" He'd killed them with his idiocy. "I'm so, so sorry!" And Subaru didn't have to keep it in anymore, and he was glad for that; and it was going to cause so much pain and he mostly didn't care. "I can't deal with it, I couldn't ever deal with it! I wanted to give up so many times but I just—! I JUST—! "

"S-Subaru, you're crushing me, I suppose!"

"I'm sorry, Beako." For so much, too much to count. "M'sorry I screamed at you for saving me. That one time. From Elsa. And-and I'm sorry, that I was too selfish," he gasped, "to see! How much! You! Cared!"

Beatrice tried to argue with a slur of noises and mucus that sounded like another language entirely, squeezing his arms tighter than she ever had before.

"I just loved all'a you so much!" Subaru's head pounded, his eyes burned; he was making an incomprehensible fool of himself in front of everybody who thought he was a master tactician and amazing speaker. "I don't even care if you hate me for this!" he snapped at the thought of their resentment. "I'd do it all again! I'd go through everything all over again to save you! I would!"

"Boss…"

"You ought to take a breath, Barasu." Ram's voice was weak.

"But I'm just happy—so happy—that you're ALL ALIVE!" His cry trailed into coughing, body-wracking sobs. Subaru was too happy to care, but at the same time, he couldn't bear to see the faces of everyone else, keeping his hidden within Beatrice's hair.

Moments later, more arms encircled Subaru, clasped him on the shoulder, ruffled his hair or kissed him on the cheek. He felt a lot warmer, breathing becoming harder as softness surrounded him on all sides.

Subaru's head pounded.

His face felt sticky with sweat, tears, and all the other facial fluids.

He couldn't breathe, and yet he could.

Breathing came easier than it ever had before in Lugnica: it was over.

Subaru didn't have to keep it in anymore.

His friends didn't have to go on never knowing what he went through, or them.

He wouldn't have to carry the pain on his own anymore.

It was selfish.

It was awful.

Subaru wondered what the point of all the sacrifice was, for half a heartbeat: about whether or not possibly tearing apart these bonds he'd made would be worth spoiling the surprise over. But they deserved to know, and whatever followed would be up to them and their values as individuals—Subaru's greed be damned.

"I Can..."