"Emilia! I can Return by Death!"
It was no longer his to bear.
"I can Return by Death, Beako!"
It was no longer a lonely curse.
"Return—!"
It was like nothing he ever felt before, not even with Echidna.
"By… R-Return by—! BY! " Wailing, Subaru Natsuki threw his face to theirs. This sweet agony reflected in everyone's faces, thought only possible with wishful thinking.
Subaru Natsuki cried every second he'd lost out of his soul, every moment with them that was gone. He squeezed Beako, just for something to hold onto and nothing needy. Subaru tried an apology. It might have come out, Beatrice probably replied—her little voice touched him, her hand on his cheek. Subaru wasn't alone, that's all he cared about. He apologized for all of it. For lying, for hurting them, for this shameful display. Subaru apologized and said he was sorry and an attempted several versions of the same as the burn didn't subside, but neither did the people closing in.
A softness that had to be Emilia hugged her hardest around his shoulders, Beatrice's small frame clinging tighter around his body, pinning his arms. A rough hand on his shoulders, a pair of gentle twins coddling his hair—one stiffly combing his bangs, the other smooth like water down the back—all comforting.
"Three years," Subaru gasped, "I've been... I was, ever since I got here, all of you—! All'a you kept—!" Stabbed. Dismembered. "F'r three years—!" Broken. Bitten. Eaten. "All this time I could NEVER—!" Gutted, gouged, gored, crushed, and annihilated in a dozen different ways, ranging from clean and bloodless to bloodlessly beaten, or rendered utter slop. "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I couldn't always save you from that pain—!" Choking on emotion Subaru threw his face into the crook of Emilia's white sleeve and let it out. They ached, the memories—they ached, they burned, like nothing Subaru ever felt before. Not even with Echidna. This wasn't a Witch, and this wasn't a dream. It wasn't a daydream or a cruel mirage. This was actually Emilia, actually Beatrice, and Rem and Ram, Otto and the rest. Fire resembling the last several lifetimes thrummed hot in his core, boiling, surging up his throat and out in a slur of sound. Subaru wailed, wanting it gone, all of it; this pain and heartbreak and grief and pain. No longer did it need to be a secret. No longer did he need to lie.
That's right.
Subaru didn't need to lie anymore.
Not about his nightmares, not about Return by Death.
Every now and then, a familiar voice would murmur a word of comfort. "You're safe now."
"We won't let anything happen to you again," was fragmented with gasps.
"Let it all out."
"Don't feel ashamed, Boss. Just let it roar."
"You're safe now. You'll never, ever be alone again, I suppose."
It ached.
It burned.
Like nothing—absolutely nothing—Subaru had ever felt before. For years, it seemed, he trembled, writhing in their embraces with equal parts pleasure and pain. But the rush faded, the reality settled; Subaru wasn't alone anymore, and he internalized this with a whimper, his tears. It all burned, but akin to dull embers than the earlier inferno—a smolder that was finally calm after raging for three long years.
Subaru let go, content. He wasn't sure of what, but he released the struggle raging inside.
It was warm.
It was comforting and dark.
It was what a good sleep should feel like.
A pair of hushed whispers, the owner of one shuffling to and fro before him, roused Subaru awake. But it was a tickle across his forehead that opened his eyes. And again once more, his bangs brushed aside before flouncing back in place with a graze. Again and again, slow and lovingly like Emilia would, albeit with smaller hands. The same bookshelves as before spectated his coddling.
"Be-Beako?" He couldn't even tell if Emilia was still around, only the bleary book spines overlooking his mess. "A-are you okay?" Despite his sounding like a baby, Beatrice's hands continued combing his hair as her lap churned a little.
"I wish I could say that I am," she answered moments later, still patting him. "'I'm okay, I suppose.' Or, I wish I could at least say, 'I'm happy you aren't alone anymore.' 'I'm happy you aren't in pain anymore.' I wish I could say…" Beatrice sighed, short and sharp in contrast to the words that had spilled out of her. "Anything, I suppose. If there's a comforting way to answer your question, I would have said so already, I suppose."
"It's fine. I get it, really. But I'm fine now, Beako. Or, I think I will be—"
"Don't insult Betty's intelligence with the trite tried-and-true, 'I'm fine.'" And then, softer, Beatrice said, "I'll never believe that, even if you were, I suppose." She looked down on him, her face apathetic as usual.
In the face of her face, Subaru couldn't find it in him to be anything less than honest. "I guess 'fine' wasn't the best thing to say, sorry," he said. "I'm 'content,' I suppose, after letting all that out."
"Lighthearted wording for what amounts to trauma."
And finally, someone else acknowledged it as such: the dreaded t-word. Subaru didn't hear it any more than he did Beatrice's voice, her tone, however: a threat that she was going to worry herself to death over him.
Besides, it's not like Betty nor Subaru were doctors. He was pretty well-adjusted despite everything to boot! "I mean, I wouldn't go that far," Subaru said slowly. "I've managed pretty well on my own since I got here—"
"Would you stop playing the martyr already?"
Subaru felt attacked. "Uh, excuse me? I wasn't trying to come off as some kind of tragic hero—"
"No, that's not what I was saying," said Beatrice, pinching his cheek until Subaru laughed, swatting her away. "I was demanding you to stop downplaying it every chance you get. And while we're at it, respect Betty's capacity for comprehending subtext, so don't think to lie to me ever again."
"Jeez."
"Whichever of my requests are the driving force behind that smile, my third is that you stop looking so exasperated. You're my contractor, after all. I will not be insulted by continuing to nod emptily as you wave off Beako's concerns!" A nerve was touched, and Betty grimaced as she felt it too in the air. "And that applies to the others, I suppose. We're worried, and we want to help. That's all... So let us, Subaru."
He was at a loss. "Well, man." He scratched at his cheek. "This is definitely one of those times where I'm out of things to say."
"And is that one of your previous lifetimes you're referring to?" Beatrice asked dryly. "I cannot recall a time where you didn't have some quip on command, I suppose."
"Consider it a genetic defect of my endless well of charisma."
"'Defect' is right, you crazy boy."
Between her tone, smile, and choice of word, Beatrice momentarily felt as ancient as she was. "You're older than me." Subaru smiled.
So did she. "I half-expected you to call Betty a little girl."
"Well, I kinda thought it." Beatrice pinched Subaru's nose until his laugh came out as a guttural snort. After their smiles faded, the energy settled to a calm, he said, "I feel like I've explained nothing yet though. But with you, Beatrice, I've got no idea what else I can say. Where to start—"
"You've said enough, I suppose. Just rest..." Subaru moved to get off her, but was promptly replanted upon her striped lap. "I said rest. "
"Bea…" The hands on his forehead trembled, eclipsing the face between those quivering blonde drills.
"What you were crying back there, the things you've experienced…" She struggled to take a deep breath. "It'll make Betty most happy if you rest a few minutes longer, Subaru."
Alright. I probably said more than I remember. Subaru closed his eyes in time for her tears to plop upon them. "Let's take it one day at a time, Beako. If there's a way I can sum up everything and anything, let's just have it be... 'Because I love you guys.'" Brilliance struck Subaru. "Actually, I said something like that to you guys the first time I willingly, well, because I wanted to save Rem—"
"Betty doesn't want to hear the grisly details of your faux-suicide before another version of her's very eyes. I can't imagine how horrified she must have felt, as I'm sure you know well."
Subaru had never forgotten. Not for a single death ever since the second trial in the Witch's Graveyard. "Beako, I didn't mean it like—" he whimpered.
"I'm sorry. Betty is grateful. I truly am! What I mean is—um, you see—? Uh..."
"Beatrice."
"Eh?" Her eyes popped open, flicking away her own tears.
Subaru rubbed his eyes. "I really do understand: it's a lot. Honestly, in retrospect, I'd be surprised if you weren't conflicted. I sure as hell would be." Subaru knuckled his forehead; such a moron. "Err, sorry. I don't think I can make you feel better with just a few fond memories."
"Enough." As gently as her voice, Betty's hands held his face. Her eyes were wide, brows knitted. "Subaru, this is such a vast and complicated issue. For all of us. Personally, emotionally. It's no stretch to say that all of us are taking this differently. But… if there's common ground in all our feelings, it's that we cannot even begin to imagine the kind of debt we owe you, much less how to repay it."
That wasn't right. "I never wanted you guys to pay me back."
"As for this Beako, the best she can do, right now, is say, 'I love you.' And..." Her volume dropped by, like, half. Adorable. "And… and thank you. For doing so much for us, Subaru. That's from everyone as well, who will soon be back with us, I suppose."
Beatrice was unspeakably grateful to Subaru.
She didn't hate Subaru or mistrust him or find his secret repellant.
It was a given that she wouldn't, but still...
Still she was Betty. The emotional, testy Great Spirit Beatrice. She had a million things she wanted to say, much less ask—that was a fact. But none of them seemed to matter as much, at least not right now, as Subaru's happiness.
And it hurt wonderfully to think about. "I never knew you could be so courteous, B."
"Your snappy retort comes out limp when you choke your words like that." She was as gentle as before, and even softer, she murmured, "I suppose."
Wait, that "I suppose…" Did I accidentally cut her deep? Subaru attempted an apology, only for Betty's palm to pin his cheek in place. "You're tired, Subaru." She exhaled. "Rest… Rest, now. The others will return momentarily, I suppose." There was a pause where the movement above suggested that Beatrice nodded. But why? To someone? "Soon. Rest your eyes, and you'll be with everyone again for the rest of the day, in fact." The door shut, booming woodenly.
Emilia might have been here the whole time. She definitely was; one would have to literally crowbar her away from Subaru in this situation. But she was also queen, the duties to her people an equivalent prying tool. Subaru was proud she made the hard choice, if that was a correct assumption to make.
"Beako?"
"What is it?"
Sleep's cushy weight laid itself atop Subaru's body. "Thank you."
Her thighs twitched a little. "For what, Subaru?"
"I didn't realize…" Subaru yawned, sighing, "how much I needed to hear you say all that." He drew his eyes shut on the bookcases. Seconds passed in silence.
"I love you, too," Subaru clarified.
"O-oh. R-right! Yes, of course!"
Subaru suppressed his smile at the thought of leaving Beatrice blushing in awkward silence.
And Exhale
