"So I never killed Boss, but I got Otto. And... maybe Ram."
"Hah! You wish." Rem giggled at her sister's confidence. Both their gusto faded under the weight of Garf's silence.
Cross-legged, he looked to the painted garden overhead. "Shit. I dunno what to say," Garf sighed. Otto's hand reached halfway to his shoulder before curling back into his lap.
In the end, Subaru couldn't be honest. Not completely, anyway. Not after Rem and Frederica returned in their nightgowns, expressions all smiles—a painful contrast to Meili's hidden behind her knees, her small frame squished as far as possible against the arm of one of the sofas. An empty cushion was left between her and Petra, the latter of whom eyeing both every time Subaru glanced in their direction across the shortened, shrunken, now-chairless coffee table. The maids' arrival adapted to the atmosphere quicker than any peppy greeting could salvage, and Subaru… any thoughts of his "first week" at the Roswaal mansion went out the window. Anything that had occurred there before burning to the ground, really; all that was on the backburner. For now. For Meili and Rem's sake. And Beatrice's especially.
In this regard, Subaru found cold comfort in having gone through as much as he had.
"Sorry, bro." Garf turned to Otto. "Sorry I killed ya. Knowin' you, it was probably your responsibility, but still."
"Err, it's… fine?" Otto shrugged, smiling to him and the rest wearily. "I can't feel anything but shock and gratitude, if I'm being honest. I suppose it's a blessing that none of us can remember. If anything killed me back then, then it must've been my desire to repay my debt to Mister Natsuki."
"Still though… I friggin' slaughtered you, man." Garf shook his head with a snarl. "It don't make any sense, unless…"
"In your defense," Subaru said, "I really freaked you out that time. If there's anyone to blame, it's this guy for acting as suspiciously as I smelled." He thumbed himself.
"Ha! Yeah, you ever heard o' perfume, Boss? You shoulda tried it!" Garf threw his head back in laughter that no one joined.
Rem cut him short, saying, "Nothing eliminates the odor of the Witch. Nothing." Her gaze was afar, wide and hollow.
Subaru often thought of how badly he must smell now, compared to back then. It was always disquieting, considering how much of it Rem had to stomach, even with her past trauma being only that.
"So, tell me, then." Garf's brilliant, green eyes bore into Subaru. "If I didn't smash ya into the next life, what did?"
What did? Subaru saw red—red eyes, red ichor, the whole world red through a screen of bloodshot eyes and utter, blazing agony. "Um…"
Everyone had bags under their eyes, yet every one of them was open still, so late into the night. Subaru intended for this to pick up in the morning, but Garf had insisted on understanding the weight of his actions.
"The Great Rabbit—," was all Subaru could manage before Betty buried her face in his side, demanding a hug. Around her head, specifically; and as Subaru tried to loop his arms through her drills, Betty threw his forearm around head at once and embedded herself deeper. It hurt a little, her force; but it was a good ache.
Yet nothing compared to the catharsis of openly expressing the agony that still haunted Subaru.
It was a good thing Frederica and Rem brought extra handkerchiefs, ready for everyone.
"Mister Natsuki? You're still awake?"
"I am now."
"Cute," Otto laughed softly. "But you were staring into the ceiling. I can see the glisten of your eyes."
"Watching my face while I sleep? You're so romantic, Otto."
"Yeah, yeah." As his blankets rustled, Subaru propped himself on an elbow to see, turning him out from the limp embrace of Emilia's arm. The top of Beatrice's head threatened to bump into his, hands half-curled by her ears. All around their friends were in a similar state, the furniture of the reading room gathered beside the doorway. A pot of solidifying chocolate, and the stems of various fruits, sat cold in the middle of the room.
Otto was kneeling, palm-out. "Here," he whispered, "may I have your hand?"
"Wh-what?" Subaru couldn't believe what he was hearing, much less that it made him blush.
Otto took the hand of the arm Subaru was leaning on, turning it towards him to clasp his hand around the other. They were warm, Otto's hands. "Do you remember, Mister Natsuki, when I shared with you my childhood? My Divine Blessing?"
"Yeah, man." It was the day Otto redirected his life goals to serving the new rulers of Lugnica, the feelings expressed, his reasoning, far more complex than he probably expected Subaru to realize. Until today, that is: "It was more a curse than a blessing, you said."
"Right." Otto nodded, his smile brightening in the dark. "This might come off as inappropriate, but I was… happy, today. To not only be entrusted as one of your close confidants, but to realize we were kindred spirits in this regard."
"I think about that a lot, actually."
"Right." Otto bowed his smile, fingers curling tighter around Subaru's hand. "Forgive me, Mister Natsuki, for presuming otherwise. I'm a little surprised, if I'm being honest," he said with a laugh.
"Hey. I know I'm dense, but that doesn't mean I never think."
"I never thought that little of you, Mister Natsuki."
"Oi, watch what you emphasize."
Otto gave a laugh. "But still… you've always had a look in your eyes that seemed elsewhere. Like there was a world you weren't seeing, even if we were all together, laughing over dinner. You would always seem… oh, I don't know. 'Sad' isn't the right word, nor 'detached,' but…"
He ought to lie; dissuade any concerns for his helpless, mopey self with an "I'm fine." A hoarse laugh spilled forth instead. "I… often think about the things that have happened. Every time I see your faces, I find myself remembering the times they were sunken and grey, and…" Subaru went to squeeze the hand laid within his palm, only to find his grip tight as it can be. "There's a part of me still in those other worlds. Yeah, I guess that's it."
"It's pretty lonely, huh?" Otto mused. "Shouldering a burden not even your loved ones will ever fully understand."
"Part of me still wants to take it back." Subaru said that without thinking, but his thoughts couldn't stop flowing free: "Sharing Return by Death with you all. I hate making the rest of you feel that distance, because, I mean, it'll always be there, y'know? The distance in understanding." Even after all the tears shed today; they made for a flimsy bridge, after all. "Part of that is my fault, to be fair; I still got a lot I can and should say, for sure—"
"I understand completely. Neither of us wanted to hurt our family in the worst way possible." By making them feel useless; like Subaru surely did his parents. "But, hey," Otto whispered brightly, "at least you aren't completely alone in this aspect of your blessing. Not anymore."
"Hold up, what'd you just call it—?"
"You got me, Mister Natsuki…" He called it a "blessing." "S-Subaru," Otto amended softly.
"Wait, what?" Something tickled him inside, hearing Otto's voice say his name. Like with Betty, but... different; warm, but different, like in the way a blanket warmed different from a mug of hot chocolate. "You just called me 'Subaru.' How bold of you, Mister Suwen."
"We both understand that isolation. So, if you'll allow me to be so selfish, I ask that you give me the chance... to repay you. Not just for saving me in that cave, but for all the times a terrible thing happened to our house, and the hell you walked to save me from myself."
Otto and his crazy life debt. It was next to impossible to shake him out of that mindset, and only after Subaru realized the similarities between the once-merchant and himself: their zealous desire to repay an act of goodwill. "Just… don't do anything crazy, alright?" Subaru hissed. "It really, really sucked whenever you died because of that." Because of me.
"Of course. Obviously I'll be more mindful of your feelings, now that I know your power. I'm… sure this sounds empty in the face of all the times I got you—or more often than not, myself—killed because of my debt, but—"
"Nah." Subaru sat up, holding their gripped hands between them. "It's a promise. Let's take it one day at a time, Otto. Thank you, really. Already I'm feeling a little less alone."
"Now you're exaggerating. We haven't even discussed anything meaningful yet." Otto's pout softened as he opened one eye, then the other, both falling on their held hands. With a smile, he squeezed firm and didn't let up. Looking him in the eye, Otto Suwen said, "You're my best friend, Subaru. This is the least I can do for everything you've done."
'Never had a best friend before,' Subaru wanted to say, but didn't. That would be sad. At least, there were none that proclaimed themselves as such, he reasoned. Otto coolly untangled himself from Subaru's grip, leaving him hot and awkward with his hand still suspended before him.
"Did you have something else to say?" Otto asked with a knowing, punchable smirk turning towards him.
"Tch. As if, you mush-ball." Subaru made to turn his back on Otto, arm ready to wrap around Emilia, when he saw another glitter of one's eyes across a snuggling Rem and Ram. The vastness of the blanket-mass made the "who" obvious, even if Subaru didn't already know. "Garf? Did we wake you up?"
"Oof. My apologies, Garfiel." Otto moved as if sitting back up.
"Nah, you're both good. Keep makin' out, don't mind me." Garf crossed one leg over the other, his blanket tenting. "Can't sleep anyway."
"Oh?" Subaru prompted; might as well take the chance of just 'the boys' being alone, no need to flex and be men right now.
"What's the matter, Garf?" Otto shuffled himself to the edge of Subara and Emilia's sleeping arrangement.
"Heh, I'll give you three guesses."
"I'm surprised anybody can sleep soundly after everything they heard today," muttered Subaru.
"To be fair," Otto whispered, "it was an emotionally draining one."
"Nah, nothin' like that." Garf folded his hands behind the back of his head, eyes still on the garden above. "I've been wrackin' my brain, tryna find a way to pin more of the blame on Boss, but…"
"Jeez, man."
Garf shook his head, smirking. "Nah, nothin's comin'. M'still just a wild little kid, thinkin' hard isn't… was never my style." His voice was low, rough with the memories he forgot—of all the times his RBD-empowered victory streak fogged his judgement and made things harder on everyone. Garf knew himself better than anyone, after all.
"In your defense," said Subaru, feeling deja vu, "I kept throwing you into fights I wanted you to win. I used you, man. So don't go thinking—"
"Man, you're conceited, Boss. That's what I love and hate about ya." Garf flipped himself around, laying on his stomach while huddled into his pillow; it was oddly cute. "M'still a man. Still a wall first, and a damn good one, might I add. You made me a legend, Boss, and that's nothin' to be sorry about. Nah…" His gaze shifted to where he was facing. "This is me processin' it all. Don't go worrying over me; 'm alotta things, but no complainer."
Garf would definitely need more work, more time, than Subaru. "One day at a time, dude. Don't burn your brain out by thinking too hard. Trust me—obsessing over what-ifs will just leave you drained."
"Yeah," he sighed, then, in a loud whisper, Garf shot upright saying, "Wait, no, what'd I just say?! Don't sweat it! I'm good!"
"Of course, Garfiel."
"Whatever you say, man."
"It pisses me off how clearly I can see you smirkin'," chuckled Garf.
Subaru said, "Check your night vision, man. I'm grinning."
"I'm not doing either."
"Well, whatever. You're both saps anyway." Garf's silhouette moved, his leather vest flying overhead before wrapping around his shoulders, his thick arm piercing its shadow. "There is... one thing that's been on my mind, though. A shitty thing, but a thing I wanna get off my chest now."
"Talking will help you feel better, Garfiel," said Otto.
"I know! I know!" he snapped with a soft growl. "I'm gettin' to it, finally."
Subaru nodded. "Whenever you're ready."
"'Kay. So. Boss." Garf's hands soundlessly came together, then pointed to Subaru. "So your power. It allows you to travel back in time. And no one's ever remembered anything, am I right?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
Garf's large form fell back, propped on his hands. "Don'cha think that's kinda dangerous?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean… you could use that to do whatever you want, right? Say anything, do anything. To anyone. No consequences, nothin' to worry about. And… well, you have rounded up lotsa pretty girls over the years—"
"Whatever you're suggesting, Garf, I advise you to stop."
"Nah, it's fine." Subaru felt the tension ease out of Otto's shoulder as his hand laid upon it. "It's totally understandable." Terrifying as it was—not only what was going through Garf's fantasies, but the fact that it was their most spontaneous member of the household asking it. "Sadly, Garf, I got no proof but our history together, what you remember. And have I ever struck you as someone to take advantage of a person like that, much less my friends?"
"N-no, I guess not… But still!" he hissed. "I never imagined you were a guy with such a fucked up life, always smilin' and savin' the day like a badass…"
"You're still his hero," Otto said in Subaru's ear.
He muttered in kind, "Thanks, Mom. I got that."
"So," Garf continued slowly, "what's to say you don't got a few more skeletons in your closet?"
"No, I get it." Subaru folded his arms. I could tell him that I really lack the balls to do something like what he's suggesting, but that'll be a different version of what I already said, but… The only way to get Garf to cooperate, ever, was to get on his level, speak his language. "I'll be blunt: yeah, you're kinda right. I used knowledge from previous lives to get everyone to cooperate. Always, in fact. That's kinda the only thing I was ever able to do. So, you aren't wrong, Garf: I manipulated the lot of you to my own ends, if only for the sake of saving everybody. Not just the people here, but everyone we know. More or less."
"Mister—S-Subaru, I think you're making it worse."
"At ease, Otto. Let me finish." Subaru waved him off, returning to an arm-crossed Garfiel. He was being surprisingly patient, or perhaps he trusted Subaru's words now that they came so frankly. "Let me tell you about my most embarrassing checkpoint, then."
"Huh?" The shadow stiffened.
"Well, what you're thinking is valid," said Subaru. "And it's clearly not misplaced. So, I figured the best course of action would be to confess. About my weirdest checkpoint, the closest that comes to what you're worried about. Don't worry, though. It involves no one but my beloved wife, so, across time and space, your sister's purity is still preserved."
"F-fuck you, Boss! Don't be weird!" And with that, Ram grimaced in her sleep, only to bury herself deeper in her twin's neck. Garf unclasped his mouth, Otto exhaled, and even Subaru felt the threat of a looming death pass like a stormy cloud. "Even if you did somethin' to her, I don't wanna hear it!" hissed Garf. "No more than enough to justify killin' ya, anyw—err, sorry."
"You're good. Actually, don't even worry about it. I'm glad you're not treating me with kid gloves, Garfiel."
"Err, alright. If you say so." He scratched his cheek with a finger.
"So, my weirdest checkpoint."
"I'm afraid to learn why it's considered your 'weirdest.' And it involves the queen…" Otto shook his head, his long hair flying. "Can't we change the subject? Garfiel, you're satisfied, aren't you?"
"Nah, no, no way, bro. Now I'm curious, and there's no way I'm sleepin' now with a cliffhanger like this. And if the Boss is willin' to nut up, why, who am I to castrate him before they completely drop?"
" That's a line. But alright, my checkpoint." Subaru rubbed his chin, his smile receding as the horribleness of this loop came rushing back; on the surface it may seem like any guy's dream, but it was a different kind of hell to actually be a part of. "It was the day before Emilia's coronation. The day I proposed to her."
"Oh, yeah," said Garf, "that's when the Witch's cult made their pathetic last-ditch effort to gank 'er."
"So your checkpoint was in the middle of the night?" Otto mused. "That sounds disorienting. But you were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, you and the soon-to-be-queen both."
"Ye-yeah, well—! You know…" It's not like they were asleep in the first place.
"Uh, don't tell me that..."
"No, I don't know."
Otto facepalmed. "Really Garf?"
Subaru looked to Emilia, her sleeping face a peaceful one. "Um… so this stays between us guys," he whispered lower than he had all night. "But after the feast, when Emilia and I retired for the night? Well… I mean… I'd have sooner expected the Witch Cult to attack than my wife-to-be, and let's leave it at that."
"I feel like I shouldn't be listening to this."
"Queen Emilia—?" Garf's eyes fell on her, then Subaru. "Oooooh. Oh. Gotcha."
"Now this is the part that stays between us guys: I made a pretty spectacular failure of myself."
"What? Didja wet yourself or somethin'?"
Otto groaned. "Why's that your first guess?"
"It was a pretty good one, Otto." Actually, we didn't get to do anything —that's how much of a flaming virgin I was. Not that anybody, not even Emilia, needed to know.
"You got a better one, bro?"
"N-not at all!" Otto hissed.
"Alright, settle down, you giggling schoolgirls." Subaru realized there was a lot more he could say, but shouldn't. Not for his sake, but Emilia's. This was already going way too far. He had to keep it vague. "Well, for better or worse, the Witch's Cult attacked hours later. I—we—got absolutely blindsided, slaughtered perfectly, as the Archbishop planned." After all, what better time to strike than when everyone would be drunk and fat off the celebration? When the soon-to-be-queen, though unplanned on the cultists' end, was trying to cross a bridge she never had in her life? "And… well… I shouldn't have to tell you the details, right? We were all there, we knew how bad it was."
"Absolute shitshow out there," Garf recalled. "Even with the advantage of your power."
"Right. But in here, in our room, it was kinda just as bad, albeit in a different way." Subaru tugged at his collar; the forgotten loops were a mix of tragic, pathetic, and unfortunate. But not completely. "Garf, you have to understand: when two people love each other very much meet in the night, it involves so much more than two bodies mashing together." Subaru laced his fingers together. "It's hearts mashing together, too."
"I don't see how this is relevant."
"What I mean is… this was a night I had to redo, relive in a crapton of different ways thanks to my checkpoint. I saw all kinds of different sides to Emilia's heart, in this night that never ended. And she saw an embarrassing amount of mine."
"So the checkpoint," Otto started.
Subaru nodded. "The moment she carried me into the bedroom."
"Wait, you let the lady carry you? "
"'Let' implies willingness, dear Garfiel, which implies buildup." Subaru was still amused by how determined Emilia was; it was easy to forget in the horror of losing everybody that night, many times; how, beforehand, Emilia was in the mindset of making her own "first move," since Subaru stole her chance to propose. "Sometimes nothing happened, sometimes everything happened; sometimes Emilia learned about me—as did I in the process. And the same was true in reverse. It always depended on the slightest change in my demeanor each time I came back." And that was part of what made just leaving their bedroom the toughest part of the ordeal. Not physically, but emotionally. "And, yeah, I know what you're thinking. I mean, who isn't? Like I said, it sounds ideal: how, on top of all that, sure, I got a theoretical infinite number of chances to… to, well… you know…" Subaru coughed into his hand, "Lose my virginity."
"I KNEW IT!" Emilia flung herself upright, red and covering her mouth on the spot. Whispering, she snarled, "I knew you were too skilled for your first time!"
"Muh-muh- Mili?! You were up?!"
Beatrice flung herself to her feet. "For goodness sake! I'm leaving." Beatrice took one step, the footfall a Ram-like grunt. "Pardon, maid. But I don't wish to hear any more of this, I suppose."
"You 'suppose,' Beako?"
"It's not in the way you're thinking, pervert!"
"This sounds like a pot calling the kettle black."
"Eh? Big Sis, how long've you been up?"
"Can't this inane dialogue," rasped a soft voice in the midst of the gathering, "wait until the morning?"
"Now look at what you did, Boss. Ya woke up Ram!"
"I think it was Beako's pure maiden's heart that did her in."
"Noisy. All of you. I hate all of you." Ram knuckled her eyes. "Go to sleep. Now."
Subaru eased the blanket up to his and a still-fuming Emilia's shoulders. "Alright, everybody, let's settle down and greet the morning with a full night's rest—"
"I said: go to sleep . Stop talking. Stop saying words. Go to sleep means go. To. Slee—! " A pillow whomped Ram in the face.
"Sister, go to sleep." Rem turned away, embracing it in place of her twin.
Ram bowed her head, airily replying, "Of course, Rem. My apologies."
Minutes after everyone settled under their covers, Emilia's bright purple eyes and brighter, red face still shone on Subaru. 'He was gonna kill me,' he mouthed, hardly whispering.
'Garf should've been the least of your worries.' Emilia, brows knitted, sunk under the covers. 'It's just, how much did I embarrass myself that night?'
"Well, that's easy," Subaru breathed, throwing his arm around her head and reeling Emilia in. "Not once. The only one who embarrassed myself that night was me."
A hand laid upon his chest. "Perhaps in the nights only you can recall." Her fingers curled. "Well, I'll choose to take comfort in that. Goodnight, Subaru."
"Nighty-night, Emilia."
The First Night
