It was getting serious.
The dining hall had been turned into a war room, for one. Not that the castle lacked such a room, but this was a special scenario, the kind where dozens of different people were to be packed in one room, standing shoulder-to-shoulder if unimportant enough to be denied a chair. Among them would stand the majority of the Royal Guard and a certain few Knights of Lugnica.
The staff were already out of the castle, if not the capital, depending on whether or not their families lived in the city confines. No sense messing around with the underground shelter if Minerva could just collapse it. It was a wholesome thought, assuming the speed and orderliness of the evacuation was thanks in part to Subaru's friends being close with different branches of the staff. From the secretaries and accountants Otto was on a first-name basis with, to the cooks and servants whose trust—their love, even—was earned by Frederica (and the twins') flawless defeat of a Hector-possessed Roswaal the day Emilia was crowned, and he was reunited with his teacher. Apparently. The human staff's cooperation wasn't a real concern; but Subaru had also lived through too many loops where discrimination didn't help in making things less… deadly.
In essence, it was dangerous to Subaru's mental health if he got his hopes up, making it the most imminent problem right now
Maps of the castle interior, exterior, and hidden passages covered almost a quarter of the table's length, and there was the Knights' Ledger—bigger and thicker than any book Subaru had seen. Probably had far more words than a single book he'd bothered to hold, too. Even considering that, it was a crapton of writing: details of every knight, making mention of their accomplishments, their gate, station, and even the measurements of their armor; their weapon of choice, as well, just to name a few of the bullet-pointed squiggles.
Emilia wanted to be as prepared, as thorough in their planning, as possible. Subaru was thankful she could keep her head on straight better than he did in these situations.
It'll be fine.
Hopefully.
"You won't be returning to that room again. We've got this." Emilia smiled as if she herself had Return by Death, and knew that this was it: the final run.
"Just tempering myself. Keeping it balanced. Chill," Subaru explained. His wife looked taken aback a minute, as if she wanted to object but didn't know how or if she should. That was getting to be a familiar look between this loop and the last, Subaru realized. But Emilia, just like before, kept assuaging his concerns with a nod of understanding.
"Thanks, Mili." She was trying really hard to maintain respect for Subaru's strength.
"Of course. Just let me know if I can do anything more." She understood what Subaru needed from her; he didn't even need to say anything.
"Just… stay close." Don't leave his side. Don't leave Subaru alone.
"Of course." Emilia brushed their biceps together.
"Ah, that's the stuff."
"Silly," she said airily.
"You're better than any pick-me-up, Mili." Subaru would feel ashamed for the relief. if not for Emilia being so similar a basket case. "Heh. What a pain: 'stay close, but not too close. Keep it at arms' length.'" That's essentially what he demanded of Emilia.
"Don't mistake me, I'm not a fan of being tasked with so little," she muttered, only to sigh, deflating her puffed cheeks. "But I also know that this isn't about me. If this is how I can help my husband, then I only have gratitude to voice, not complaint."
'To voice,' eh? Subaru bit back the retort; dredging up the truth would do zero good. It might even throw Emilia off her game if he revealed something macabre or depressing. That's what I tell myself, but Mili...
"It's alright." Emilia's hand covered Subaru's whitened knuckles on the table. "Nothing bad is happening right now. Nothing bad needs to be talked about, because nothing bad is going to happen to you. I'll see to that; I'm your wife and queen, and that's the promise I made to you the days I earned each title." Emilia's sweet, soft words from her softer, sweeter smile…
Blink: her grieving face, her shrill voice wailing about some promise made to Rem.
"Yeah." Subaru smiled, mostly genuine; ever since that first loop Emilia's "warm fuzzies" effect had yet to fade even a little. And he didn't have it in him to tell Emilia what he was really, deeply thinking, besides.
"I can tell you're thinking of something else right now." Emilia's smirk receded to a warm, concerned smile as loving circles were rubbed into Subaru's lower back. "I promise, Subaru, that this loop, I'll make everything about you."
Subaru made a face that made Emilia chuckle, finally, if only a single sad one. "I know myself too well, after all," she said.
"I-it was only at the end, though!" In place of clapping a hand over his mouth, Subaru blurted out, "I don't need to be afraid of you! R-r-right? A-about your reaction! I mean... shit."
Laughter burst from her lips that was promptly smothered. "Well, I should hope not! I can't imagine I did something that caused me to lash out…"
Not exactly. "It was everything on your mind. More or less," he informed the maps. "What happened before I came back. I was… well, a little taken aback, to hear most of it. Mainly 'cause I'm an idiot husband who makes it all about himself."
"As is your right, I feel. Given the current circumstances." Emilia's hand stroked his shoulder so slowly; her breathing uneven, voice hoarse as she continued: "Thank you, Subaru."
"What for, Mili?"
"Just for being you. This whole time, without us ever realizing it."
Subaru was about to retort with something clever, definitely, had Emilia not turned his head to face her and her firm, tearful gaze. "Thank you for saving us. Thank you for not resenting us, thank you for never demanding thanks no matter how much you want—"
"Emilia—"
"Thank you, Subaru, for just standing beside me right now, and letting that speak for itself…" Emilia took a deep, shaking breath to keep from rambling and reiterating the same general point, which was coming in three, two, one… "Thank you, Subaru, for never taking us for granted. Rest assured that I'm fine waiting to talk about this under less stressful circumstances. We have a battle to win, and villains to slay. That's what matters most to me right now, so there's no need to stress over where your wife's head is at."
Subaru felt something suddenly eject itself off his shoulders, he felt so light. "Emilia…" He couldn't even put it into words, it had happened so fast; he hadn't even realized that he'd been scared of Emilia this way to begin with.
But he has. Had been. "I'm sorry, too. For doubting your strength for, like, the millionth time."
"I'll punish you later, mister." Emilia winked. "And, no! Don't think it's anything perverted!"
"Guh, you're too pure sometimes, Mili."
"Come on, we were just having a moment!" she giggled into one hand, the other jostling Subaru. He submitted himself to her playfulness, twisting to Emilia's whim like a puppet. Her smile faded then. Faded until it was sunken, her gaze falling on the strength Subaru didn't realize he'd been wrapping her hand in.
"I-I'm afraid of losing you all again, Mili." It just came out, and Subaru was relieved he could. "I don't wanna focus on how I feel when there's death coming our way, but… It hurts, and a lot: failing you guys." Especially this time; Otto was still calling Subaru "Mister Natsuki" for instance.
"I… hurt, too, Subaru." Emilia swallowed, gripping the pseudo spirit stone on her heart. "I try not to think about it too long, but… you're absolutely right. There must have been tons of good times we don't remember, but you do. Painfully, but also fondly. Right?" Her eyes, soft and glistening, seized him by the heart.
"'Painfully but fondly.'" Subaru gulped. "Yeah, pretty good summation, there, Mili." He shouldn't be talking like this; it would only make Emilia feel painfully useless again. But his stupid mouth never knew when to quit, did it? "Sorry. You don't have to say anything back."
The glistening in her eyes liquefied. "Subaru—"
"It's just how it is." She didn't need to feel so bad.
"It's unfair." Emilia squeezed her eyes shut. "It's so unfair, Subaru. The things you've gone through—! Because of us, 'cause of me never being able to keep my head on straight when it mattered most—!"
"Emilia, listen." She perked up, the tears suppressed until now flicking away from her big, damp eyes. "This is the hand life dealt me. Everything I went through was not one person's fault; if anything, the bottom line is that I chose to stay. I chose to endure, because I chose to save you guys. Partially because I wanted you to give my life purpose, mostly because… I wanted to give myself purpose. And it's as twisted and sad as it sounds, yeah. Just like your life was, and Beatrice's. Rem and Ram and Otto's and all the rest, we're all people with good parts and bad. I liked your good, and that's why I chose to stay. Please, for me, stop looking for something in there to flay yourself over."
"But Subaru… I know that's how you really feel, but…! " Opening her eyes, Emilia gazed down at the feast table, empty save the two-dozen chairs waiting to be filled and argued from. "We… just make do with what we have. That's how you and I have always endured. And we stand up and deal ourselves a new hand if we like. That's how I always felt, at least."
"On that, we both concur." Them greedy two. Subaru couldn't believe he was able to smile right now, even though it was always easy from a brighter perspective. "My hand wasn't that bad, though. I was just trash at using it."
"Wait, the metaphor? It's become a little muddled, I think, Subaru."
He chuckled as he held Emilia by the arm. "What I mean, is, in the last year—no, ever since we met in that alley, you've helped me stand up and smile time and time again. You're the reason why I'm the man I am today, Mili! And that's something I've never taken for granted, I mean that."
And hopefully, if she was thinking her lineage was what afflicted Subaru, his word choice would strike true.
"Wait, an a-alley?" Emilia swallowed, holding Subaru's fingers around her bicep while her other hand folded beneath her chin. "That's… where you and I first met. Isn't it? Where we truly met?"
Subaru snapped his free fingers. "Bingo, Mili." He dropped the act, his hand hitting the table just as heavily, and his smile. "A complete loser like me… became the one who's standing beside you now. Because of you, and the kind of girl that you are. Yep, that's definitely what I've thought back on the most! You could probably call it one of my most treasured memories. "
"When I s-saved you in an alley?"
"For no reason at all. Even though you were at risk of losing your only ticket to freeing Elior Forest—this is the memory I clung onto when things got unbearable, and I started feeling selfish and misgiven, wanting to give up."
"Because of me? But... I made things far more unbearable, I'm certain of this."
Subaru wanted to consider his words. "Only a handful of times," he muttered seriously, immediately. "And you're an even more incredible, kind person now than you were back in that alley on top of that. I couldn't love ya anymore if I tried."
"Oh, Subaru." Emilia waved him off, looking away… only to open her eyes on the maps they would use to prevent a bloodbath. Her face went subtly slack, thecolor draining from her cheeks. "Don't forget selfish," Emilia uttered.
"Huh?"
"I'm a selfish, unbearable woman, too."
Subaru exhaled, unable to voice an agreement; only nod. "That Rem stuff was uh- gly. "
"Ye-yaah," sighed Emilia. "Even the history set in stone wasn't very pretty. I can only imagine how—"
Wincing at his stupidity, Subaru turned Emilia firmly to face him. "But I'm here now. We're all here! Healthy and happy and together. 'And I, Subaru, love you, Emilia…?'" Subaru clamped her cheeks, turning the slender, soft face in his hands to and fro. "C'mon, 'And I love yooou Emiliaaa…?'"
"'A-always!' That isn't what I was worried over. Come on, now. " Rubbing her arms after playfully jostling him, Emilia shook her head, fixing Subaru with a stern look. "I was just reminded, Subaru, we should take this downtime to be ready for tomorrow night. You should rest. I think the others can handle themselves until our allies trickle in."
Emilia was up to something, and it had to do with his safety. Maybe this really was a plea for him to lie down. "Mili, if we're gonna be in top form, you should take it easy until then, too. Read a book or something, there's no point stressing over this right now."
"And leave you alone to do something reckless? I don't think so, Subaru." Before Emilia's nth shift in mood this conversation could be processed, she was dragging Subaru by the hand.
Not to their bedroom, just the nearest guest room. Neither said a word as they huddled together in the bed, crystal lamp dark. However, there was an interesting detail Subaru's body noticed right off the bat.
It was the first time Emilia cuddled him as the big spoon again since Subaru could talk about Return by Death.
"To Protect Everything This Time"
