It was quiet.
Deadly quiet—like Subaru was stuck, frozen within the blink between death and life. All the more reason to caress his life preserve, that of Emilia's protective embrace. He would thank her, but the steady breathing made Subaru not want to pull his wife out of her sweet dreams.
Emilia was lucky. Although his eyelids were heavy, in spite of having slept all night, prior to the checkpoint, Subaru's eyes were all but bulging themselves awake—so wide they wouldn't stay shut, as if refusing the desire to sleep out of self-preservation.
'It'll be alright.' Emilia's voice echoed amidst these thoughts, thrumming against the tightness in Subaru's chest, beneath her limp fingers. 'Even if it won't be this time around, it'll always be alright.' She would never utter such things aloud, at least not in the last loop or this one; but he had no issue hearing her sweet voice utter those words. They were likely her true thoughts, her deepest fears simultaneously.
And yet, Subaru had already known this in his heart: that no matter how grim things got, there was never an end unless his will gave, deeming it over. 'I don't know why I need so much reassurance.' And yet, proverbial thunder clouds were gathering overhead; at the thought of each of his friends, a shocking amount of different feelings writhed within towards each one. And so did those of the checkpoint. And the Witches, the lack of Echidna and Satella… And everything else, the Return by Death reveal, all that would follow next time if they failed this time—
Get a grip, man! It'll be okay! Nobody's doing anything wrong, they're all focused on the fight ahead. Emilia was trying her hardest—her desperate best, and it was only the second loop. Meanwhile Subaru was on the verge of tears, practically. There's really something wrong with me. I gotta think positive or else I'm the one who'll be thrown off!
"Can't get to sleep?"
"Neither could you, it seems," he said. The slung arm across Subaru's chest coiled tighter around it. "I'm not as good at fake-sleeping as you, Mili."
"I've had a long time, an ample amount of it being free time, to master it." Emilia's chin nestled on Subaru's bicep. "So, what's on your mind?"
Way too much for anyone to handle. But Subaru wasn't about to utterly lie, either: "Just debating between being selfish and waking you up… or being selfish, and going on a lonesome, repentant brood-sesh." All of that, a hundred-percent true.
Emilia chuckled. "I think a walk about will do us both some good, my love."
That breathily-uttered nickname raced icily down Subaru's spine. "N-no fair, being all cute and romantic and distracting from self-pity."
Emilia shot upright, wholly aghast. "I was just being myself, dear husband." Then, smiling proudly, she touted, "And yet, I suppose this is the effect I've always had on you. I can't seem to help it." The warmth in her eyes was actually something else. "I gotta say, it was a peculiar spot to have my first meeting with you—an alley."
"I hope that doesn't mean you think the circumstances were weird."
"I mean, I was saving your bacon for the first of many times!" tittered Emilia. "That's normal, Subaru, not 'weird.' Honestly."
"I hate that I can't think of a retort to that." Pushing himself upright against the bed frame, Subaru asked, "So, what's got your curiosity hooked, Mili?"
"Well…" Emilia laid a hand against her chest, smiling just as fondly. "Well," she uttered, softer, "this is embarrassing now that I accidentally gave it all this buildup, but I was just thinking of how… um, h-how romantic it sounds." Emilia was blushing so hard, the tips of her ears like daggers fresh out of the forge. "You know? The love of your life, rescuing you like it was the natural thing to do?"
"That's because it was for you. And it still is, always was." Even if she was selfishly motivated—daring to want people to not have reason to hate her—like Emilia beat herself down over in the past.
She smiled appreciatively before nodding. "I can see why you devoted your life—or, rather, several of them—after considering a first meeting like ours."
Subaru couldn't help but wince at the bitterness that naturally fueled Emilia's earnest words. "It must bother you a lot, though, huh?"
"Naturally, Sub-S-Subaru?" The tightness left his hand, Emilia gathering both against her heart. "What's wrong? Why are you making that—?"
"You hated the idea of me being hurt. And now you're realizing I suffered a lot more than what you've known as our history together."
"Subaru," Emilia said hurriedly, gazing holes into his lap, "I'm trying not to think about that, Subaru. So…"
What was he even doing? Subaru wanted to give himself one upside the head. "Sorry… Emilia. This's harder than I thought, what I'm asking the rest of you." To her tilting face, he clarified, "Thinking about anything but this aching hole in the front of my chest. It's hard enough for me." He hadn't seen anyone besides Emilia since they split up, not even Betty—who vanished somewhere after laying out the castle maps. "And if I know our friends, they're struggling with the exact same thing right now. Alone at that."
"It's clear to me, Subaru, that there's something you need to get off your chest if you're to focus on the battle ahead." Emilia grabbed at his hand, and Subaru found Emilia smiling sympathetically "I'll be fine. Trust me—I may not be strong, but I can easily be strong for your sake."
He loved her. So much. With so little thought beyond his trust in Emilia, Subaru let anything flow free. The flow went as follows, spiraling forth from the gaping sore in his chest: "I don't want to lose, not you or anyone again. But I've been through this so… s-so much that my body refuses to believe that this loop will be perfect. And I've been wanting to talk to you about this!" Subaru gripped the front of his chest, trying to express his sincerity. "With every fiber in my being, with every moment we've spent together pushing me, I've been wanting to just spill it all out on your feet all over again, Emilia. Believe me. I have."
"You can, Subaru," she mumbled, faint with knitted brows. "You may. I want you to, I promise."
"I know you do, Mili, I know, but—!" Last chance, Subaru sensed while freezing up—the allure of comfort in hiding the ugly truth. "I also know how much all of this would hurt you," Subara managed, squeezing his eyes shut, "and I just didn't want to hurt you like I did last time, Emilia. I really didn't. It's awful. Everything running through your mind, the reality's as horrible as you can imagine." Droplets fell as dark stains on Subaru's pant legs. "And that's not the worst part. That's not the main reason why I haven't said anything until now." Only then did Subaru realize he failed at the one thing he could've done this loop to make it better. "M-m'sorry. Mili, I just… didn't know—I suddenly couldn't keep it in! Why?!"
A soft figure wrapped his head up in a tight hug. "You stop that right now," Emilia hissed airily. "It's clearer now, how much pressure you put yourself under. What happened to trusting me?" She sniffled hard. "I'm hurting. Yeah, Subaru. It hurts like you wouldn't believe—every second today since before you screamed and sent Betty flying." It was exactly as Subaru feared. "Now don't react that way, mister!" She bopped him on the back of the head. "Hmph. I hate that my checkpoint state seems to be causing you a bit of fear."
It was so surreal to hear Emilia talking about this, like this, that Subaru wanted to half-guffaw, half-wake up from this nightmare. "N-no, it's not like that—" he lied.
"Subaru." Emilia's voice cut in loud, but gently. "It'll be okay. It's like you said to me and Rem that day. Remember?" He did; and Emilia was smiling just as beautifully as she had when he said the words she echoed: "'Just as the sky clears, pain inevitably dulls and our frowns turn into smiles. Even if for just a second—'"
"'Just a second can be long enough to save my life.'"
"That's what I'm holding onto when I begin to dwell on your pain. The loneliness you felt, and likely the misunderstandings thrown in your face, by us—your entrusted loved ones." Her agonizing was depressingly astute, as her meltdown last loop had been. "I remember your beautiful words from back then. How I understood, then and there, truly, why you devoted so much of yourself to my well-being. And you've given me, us, so much more than a mere second, Subaru."
He loved them both for the things they did for him early on; Subaru had said as much, the whole heartfelt, painful truth—his weaknesses as a pitiful man and lonely human among them. Emilia and Rem, envious and manipulative and lonely and pitiful in their own ways, were able to come to an understanding among the many successes of that turbulent time's victory loop; this time, their emotions didn't get them or others killed, or rather, Subaru's avoidance of needing to man-up and risk hurting them didn't ruin the whole thing. "I'm a greedy bastard who has it too good, huh?"
"You fought for what you wanted—to make Rem and I happy, your own pleasure secondary as always." Subaru bit back a retort, Emilia continuing with a touch of sadness, "And, well, you succeeded in making Rem and I happy. You helped make us the best of friends. So if you're insecure about what I think as far as that wrinkle to your curse is concerned, I simply think you used it to its noblest potential. Seeing as how you're not the type who likes controlling people, after all." Subaru had done everything he could to get out of being king, after all. Emilia smiled as smugly as she deserved. "Indeed. You might lose your way, Subaru, but in the end, you'll always do the right thing by the people you care about. Even if you'll get nothing out of it."
That was insane. It was the truth, but it sounded really unhealthy hearing the truth summarized so plainly. "Are you being—this'll sound lame, but—serious? Emilia?" It was pitiful, but a part of Subaru couldn't believe she accepted this so easily.
"Why wouldn't I? It's not complicated, just as you aren't."
"Hey! I'm plenty complicated!"
She gave a soft laugh, tousling Subaru's curls. "You are. Every time I think I've got you figured out, a whole new angle is revealed that makes me reconsider everything."
Subaru gulped. "That isn't something your husband is really happy to hear, Mili."
"Of course. It's not your fault you kept this a secret, after all." Emilia's fingers tightened atop Subaru's head, her eyes narrowing. "It's suffocating to think about the things she put you through, yet also gave you to make it all worthwhile."
"It's a messed up situation, huh?"
"But it is worthwhile." She sounded like she was trying to assert it, as if Emilia still couldn't believe that it was. Not that Subaru blamed her anxiety about it, considering the Witch-related threat on its way, and the uncertainty of the future. "Subaru, before, you mentioned a, um, 'worst part' about not being able to trust me. Are you comfortable explaining what that is?"
The guilt returned in full, weighty force. "I dunno! That's just it: I dunno! I really don't!"
Emilia's brows knitted, her first raising to her lips as if that actually made sense to her. "So you say it's instinctive, this… illogical mistrust."
"It's stupid and insane and I already learned, like, a million times that I shouldn't be afraid of you guys!" Subaru took a breath. 'But I'm fine,' he'd been saying for over a year. Fucking hilarious.
And then Emilia squeezed his hand. "I'm protecting you to the best of my ability, Subaru. And I always will. The bottom line of this situation is we might not win this time. And I'm going to indirectly give you trouble, naturally due to the trouble you're indirectly giving me. But that's okay, Subaru," she cried, softly caressing Subaru's face before the guilt could pull him under. "Neither of us have any misgivings about one another for it, I'm certain of that. I'd love to weather it all with you, Subaru—the trouble we'll be causing everybody, for as many loops as it takes. So please, moving forward, don't worry about my devotion to our friends and this life we built. I'll be too busy fighting for the future where we can all laugh together."
Any doubts Subaru had in his mind about Emilia seemed to finally, truly, fly out the window. "I'd like to see everyone, Mili." That was the first thing that popped into his mind. "That'll make me happy right now, I think. And help me take my mind off things." Maybe.
Emilia's smile brightened. "You know, you're probably going to end up talking like this with each of them."
Subaru couldn't help but feel ashamed at the thought, hot under the collar about it. "Yeah, sure. They won't mind, though, probably."
Laughter burst from Emilia's lips. "Of course they won't."
"I Don't Care How Many Times"
