"You know, you're probably going to end up talking like this with each of them."
"Yeah, sure. They won't mind, though, probably."
"Of course they won't."
Emilia didn't need to tell Subaru twice: of course they wouldn't mind. They were willing to fight—to throw themselves against the brick wall that is fate—despite Subaru not having spoken a single specific word about his experiences. They were loyal to the core, every one of them. So, of course they wouldn't mind. After all, Subaru didn't mind their faults that had surely killed him on more than one occasion; their being alive now painted this truth clearly, if nothing else. No, they wouldn't mind. They'd probably never mind unless Subaru actively drove them crazy, which he didn't last loop, with all that complaining. Subaru liked to think it was their newfound lives that united his ragtag bunch, whether it be in purpose, family, or some mix of the two, as sappy as that sounded. If that was the case, it made it easier to accept that they were willing to die for him; it wasn't just for Subaru.
He wasn't the one responsible...
So, of course, they wouldn't mind Subaru needing to talk! Because, of course, many would take the opportunity to repay his sacrifices. Of course, they wouldn't mind endangering themselves, and, of course, they would always refuse to live happily ever after if Subaru was going to die for them again.
And he was about to strut out of this room and tell them off for that.
Not that Subaru wanted to, but he knew himself painfully well—well enough to know his emotions would go there, if his "talking like this" to Emilia proved anything other than her honed empathy for others. So, what right did he have—one who abused his well-being so flippantly—to dictate his friends over the same? Subaru could do it. If backed against a wall and their deaths could be prevented, he'd resort to that. Hypocrisy be damned.
But there the problem lied: Subaru didn't know what to say to any of their faces if he saw them right now, stubborn and suicidal. Just demands. Maybe Emilia had good reason to be so confident; maybe the Knights of Lugnica and the kingdom's local fiefdoms might prove overkill.
All I know is that Otto'd better be on his way back home! The guy couldn't even fight. That was the best Subaru could hope for, he realized: that Otto, at least, hadn't gone and gotten himself drunk on a life debt. Another one, rather—and Subaru's hopes dashed just like that. Right, this is Otto we're talkin' here.
And on and on Subaru's thoughts circled. Emilia, too, didn't make a move to go see their friends, despite the threat of impending doom bearing down on them.
When she finally did make a move, it was also in spite of this threat: kissing Subaru. Emilia blew away his anxieties, replacing each with her warmth, her touch or her existence in his life, until all was solely Emilia. The first since she killed him, and before that, the first thing they did after the truth was shared. Pure urgency last loop, both at the beginning and the end. Now Emilia's passion was reigned in and focused; she wasn't trying to eat his face. "Wh-what're you—?" Subaru tried a crack about her being forward, but his voice failed him.
"I'm honestly more scared of our friends than I am of the Witches of Sin. I get the feeling that you know what I mean."
"It hurts how relatable that is." Subaru laughed sheepishly.
It got worse as Emilia's eyes went wide, her plump lips parting. Only then did Subaru realize that her explanation was a fork in the road, after letting his true feelings known: "About our friends..."
He kissed Emilia in kind, hopefully demonstrating the same measure of self-control. They broke off, exhaling shakily both. "Mili, Emilia," he blurted out in a ramble, babbling, "you're always the only thing I can think about when we're together." Not like this, he meant to say. "I-I was always able to stand up again thanks to—!" Emilia silenced him with a kiss and a squeak in her throat, before Subaru could emphasize how important she was to him.
"Idiot," she gasped, almost diving back for another before staying herself, reeling enough to look into Subaru's eyes. Emilia's were glistening. "If you wanted, you could've just asked."
"Not something I'm the type to just ask you for, Mili."
She pouted cutely. "That's always been your problem, Subaru," she grumbled. "No matter how wise you become, you're always scared of what other people think. It makes you think silly thoughts."
Subaru laughed in embarrassment. "That's why you're the best, Mili. You don't let that kinda fear get to ya." Like a defense mechanism, his memories summoned forth a handful of the countless encounters with Satella through Emilia's eyes. At least, you don't break character on purpose.
He imbibed in her lips before more images could surface to the point of sickening. Emilia did less than resist, to the surprise of the smothered, sensible part of Subaru's brain—she embraced him, deepening their affection for one another, until once again she became all that Subaru could think about.
"What are you thinking about?" Emilia brushed Subaru's bangs up from his eyes. They were lying face-to-face, covers draped across both their waists.
Subaru held her soft bicep. "Mistakes made." His brain picked up right where it left off once the heat of the moment had cooled down. "And how many ended up hurting you. Usual stuff, is all."
Emilia's eyes shone with the same kind of pain they did when she believed herself the incarnation of Subaru's suffering. "I can't speak for all the trouble you might've caused others," she said, "but on behalf of all the Emilias, there's nothing to forgive. No matter what you might've done, your presence here now stands as testament to what matters most to you." Being with Emilia like this—a trust he dreamed of, craved for, but was begrudgingly content with potentially never having, so long as this girl could live happily. "I don't hold Subaru responsible for my every waking thought and action," Emilia continued, "so you shouldn't consider yourself the reason behind my every hurt. I know that's hypocritical coming from me, but I'm doing my best to take your… unique worldview from an everyday perspective."
Subaru was messed up enough to laugh at that. "I don't die every day, Mili."
"Y-you'd better not be! I-I-I mean, I know that…" Emilia shook her head with a grunt. "Do you understand what I'm saying, husband?"
Yes: Emilia didn't fully grasp what it was like to be one of the causes behind her heart and mind breaking in the worst of timelines, and always because of Subaru's shittiness at that. "Emilia?" He didn't mean to sound so pitiful.
Immediately her doting concern turned on. "What is it?" She leaned closer, her face inches from view.
They imbibed in one another further, left with little to do otherwise except wasting time in dread.
The two of them were all but waiting for death to come as the summons made their way to the capital—a recurring realization that, of course, truly hit only after a little more loafing around in this random guest room. How could Lugnica's king and queen be acting so nonchalant? What were all their friends thinking, feeling? Not just about being here, but Subaru and his lack of visit; of Return by Death? Why haven't I seen anybody else since Beatrice left? Where is she, anyway?
"Subaru, you're squirming."
Was there really nothing to do but wait for the backup? "Ah, oh, Mi-Emilia. You're awake. How 'bout you, restless?"
"I can't sleep well unless I hear steady breathing from you."
It was soft-spoken enough to just be pillow talk—but Emilia seldom stretched the truth. "How in the world did you get enough sleep to rule a country every day?" Subaru wondered lightly.
"Power naps and willpower, if I'm being truthful."
"Oof. Ouch." Because of Subaru's nightmares.
"And you." The arm around his middle moved to nudge Subaru's face towards the ceiling, his cheek into Emilia's lips. "Subaru, I never cared that I was tired. I love you too much to feel any misgivings over so mild an inconvenience. And you went back to sleep without fail, besides. Every single time," she said, nuzzling the top of his head.
So she never thought of my night terrors as a bother, and not just because I always went back to sleep. Moments like this deepened Subaru's affection for his wife and her natural inclination to honesty. Even if she indirectly undermined her efforts, like just now: "So, how come you'd rather avoid the topic of our friends' safety than talk to them about it?" It felt awful: Emilia going rigid against him, because he was being scary. "Yeah. I bet you were wondering when I'd finally get around to our insanely… in-sane-ly loyal friends, so…" Subaru gestured to none but the presence of that elephant in the room. "I just… gotta wonder why, fellow partner in crime?" He was just as guilty, after all; both for probably the same general reason.
"Subaru…" Emilia elbow-propped herself. "I'm confused as to what brought about this change of heart." She pushed herself sitting upright. "Don't you want your friends close by?"
Subaru beat his chest. "Always. I'm selfish enough to say I wanna be with them forever." And that's as far as his smile would persist for this matter—Emilia wincing at his shifting expression. "That's right. I'm the greediest bastard in Lugnica, and that means I'd rather keep them alive with a broken heart than dead in my honor. And so do you—last loop, you made everyone's safety a priority. Not just mine." His smile, a small one, eased back in. "You feel the same way, Mili, I know you do. You don't want any of our friends getting hurt and killed. And now that we're talking like this, I realize this go around's still making me uneasy, even though we got a lot going for us. I've been turning a blind eye to it until the minute I got real with myself, then it became just so damn simple."
Subaru turned his smile—his exasperation with this wasted time—on Emilia. "Please be honest with me, Mili, I'm not mad at you, 'cause I know I'm just as guilty here, but… why? Why aren't you and I the only ones in this castle, barring the Knights and Beatrice?" When she answered with a bite of her lip, looking down—Emilia's guilt was a manifestation of that which Subaru felt every now and then. Appearing so strong, there was only a handful of realistic answers which fit Emilia's character. "Unless you're like me," he said, "and just sat back hoping they would make the hard choice for us."
Emilia laughed hollowly. "What a brutal reality check of my selfish intentions."
"I doubt you 'intended' for our friends to die on my behalf," Subaru forced a laugh. "You just couldn't find it in ya to ask for one or the other." 'The other' in this scenario being their evacuation.
Emilia swallowed. "You've been thinking a lot about this, since you awakened at your starting point. Clearly."
"Clearly," Subaru agreed, ashamed of his cowardice.
Emilia inhaled shakily, gripping her bicep. "I… I didn't demand their assistance, no, I never would, but—" Her grip turned to a mighty pinch. "But I did ask—"
"Wait, you asked even Petra to stay and fight?" Subaru wasn't at all angry; it was just so unlike Emilia to consider, or forget to consider, such things.
Twas shocking, is all.
"N-not in a direct way or anything! I… didn't actually request anything as a queen should," she added softly. "Or even as a friend ought to. I only said… hoped that they wouldn't abandon us, is all. You, Subaru. In this fight, moving forward. In case we—w-we…" Emilia choked, and the rest followed; not her words, but the evident; the autonomy in everyone's decision to fight within this lifetime and those beyond it, if need be. "I'm… I'm also scared, Subaru. Right now. I'm afraid to go out there and find them either still here or long gone and I can't—other than that, I can't just think about anything else but… but everything else! "
Why do I always go off on bad assumptions? Subaru dove across the bed, pawing swiftly over Emilia's legs to give a short, hard kiss. Her eyes, big and bashful and sad, popped open as his lips popped off hers.
"Wh-what're you doing to my head, Subaru?"
"Calming it down, in the quickest way I know."
"You just drove my tummy into a frenzy is all." Emilia, ruddy-cheeked, hummed in bitter embarrassment. "And how is this supposed to help?"
"To show how furious I am with you, daring to trip over the same weakness as I have for three years now. Plus I got lost in your eyes." Giggles burst forth and into her hand as Subaru sat back on Emilia's knees.
"I may not have given it an earnest effort," she said, "but I really don't want them to get hurt and die if it could be avoided, Subaru…" Emilia embraced herself tight. "And yet, I really-really don't wanna say the words—"
"'It's not too late to save them?'" Subaru surmised.
Emilia winced from his bullseye, her bangs concealing her gaze. "And ensure our demise, yes... They have plenty of time to get well-away from the capital if they leave now… If we can convince them, then w-we should… we should do that." She met Subaru's gaze as if just realizing this was an option. "Or at least get their takes. I don't know how much success we'll have changing their minds, but it's worth it to try and spare them from any danger if our more professional allies prove effective."
This is in spite of Subaru and Emilia having plotted out escape routes from various points in the castle, for the very sake of preserving lives. "Doesn't hurt to be too careful. Besides, I doubt Otto throwing his hat will do much against Sekhmet anyway, so he's got no reason to stick around." To that, Emilia giggled. It took a couple tries today, but now Subaru truly felt they were on the same page.
"Let's save some lives, Mili." Subaru turned and strode for the door, quickly so as to make up for time and beat the arriving help.
"S-Subaru, wait!" Emilia cried as his hand twisted the knob.
"Eh? Mili, what's—?"
"Clothes, my love." Emilia was covering her ruddy face, reminding Subaru that she mirrored his current state of dress from a modest pose on the bed.
"Ah. Right. Those are important." As he collected their respective garments and laid them out, handing Emilia hers, Subaru enjoyed the calm that was now in his heart and between them.
Of course Emilia didn't want their friends to fight. Well, she did, but so did Subaru. She more so wanted to keep the others safe, however. Neither wanted them to die here, just as much as neither wanted Subaru to die from a lack of protection. It was a lose-lose, and talking likely wasn't going to change anything. A part of Subaru, a mere notion, expected he would reach a point of having to break hearts every loop for the sake of keeping them alive, if that's what it took to beat the Witches of Sin.
"We're both pretty selfish," he said, their backs to each other as they put on their smallclothes. "But I think what redeems us, Emilia, is that we always make the right decision in the end."
"'It's all in how it ends,'" his wife quoted wisely from his wise mother.
"Right. So, even if we can't convince anyone to leave—"
"What matters is we tried despite the odds."
Subaru was instead going to blurt out a convenience about his power. Instead, he smiled.
"I Procrastinate"
