Not even Ram is willing to leave. Subaru repeated it, again and again in his head, practically timing it with every other footfall.
Not much needed to be said about Ram: independent, curt, faultily honest and honest to a fault, with words and wit that cut like a knife and burned as hotly as her temper. That was Ram's essence. Had Subaru not been hyper-focused on what was directly in front of him, he would have seen her reply coming from a mile away.
And yet: Not even Ram is willing to leave. Even Ram was willing to die pointlessly. She's the only friend spoken to since splitting up with Emilia. And yet, Subaru had already gotten an answer from them all, or so it felt.
Then why am I doing this, other than to feel like I tried? he wondered, his feet dragging to the answer quickly looming before him: the great iron door of the Mabeast Menagerie. Despite everything going on, a jolt of excitement jumped through Subaru; it had been an even longer time to him than to Meili, since their last one on one.
She was likely in a bad mood, considering her reaction to RBD last time. Approaching her suddenly all serious-like would probably make this harder. Subaru raised both fists—for that, plus old times' sake—and proceeded to bash and kick his royal self against the black iron. "Yo, Meili! You home, girl?!" he screamed so loud he cracked.
Over the explosion of roars and snarls, one could faintly hear a howl of, "SU-BAR-RU!"
"'KAY!" Subaru's obnoxiousness, on top of his dark aroma, sent the caterwauls crescendoing into a thunderous encore. "JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE ACTUALLY IN THERE BEFORE WALTZIN' ON—!"
"Subaru, PLEASE, shut UP ! " Meili roared, and thanks to her Divine Protection plus sheer authority, all the mabeasts within settled down in kind to her king. Meili added, snapping, "You're such an ass sometimes!"
Subaru didn't want to talk through the door. "'Kay, you don't feel like chatting? I'll come back later, then!"
"Are you serious? Gimme a second!"
"One. Okie, bye-bye."
Meili merely sighed, as she often did after bantering with Subaru. As soft clatters, clangs, and containers squeaking, hesitating, then slamming shut floated from within, one after another in quick succession, a concern took hold of Subaru. "You know I was kidding, right?" he called up to the barred porthole within, smelling of a farm while resembling a dungeon. It, in fact, was the kingdom's former prison before its newest queen did away with such "barbaric practices."
Moments later, Meili answered lightheartedly, "Now that's a first. Why regret such a meaningless choice?"
"Easy. 'Cause you're someone I can mess with. But now I'm wondering…" Where your mind is at. "...Just, y'know, wondering about—afraid, I guess—about how you're feeling." Subaru put his forehead against the iron to cool it; the hell was that? Meili's mind was probably racing, curious as to what Subaru knew about her that she didn't. She was that kind of person.
"I'm feeling many things, as you can imagine. And… know, too, probably." Meili's voice was soft, almost smothered by the vast stuffiness of her menagerie. "But! I myself am happy, if only a tiny bit. I'm happy that you don't… that you came to see me," she finished quickly.
Subaru burned at the sudden frankness. "Of course," he cracked, leading to a throat-clearing. "I didn't come all this way just to say, 'eh, screw Meili. She's not worth it.'" It was the smoothest, snappiest way he could sincerely answer her redacted, 'I'm happy that you don't…' Considering how she went last time, Subaru had to be extra careful with his responses.
After moments of tapping his foot, whistling over the sweet nothings Meili murmured in that cavern of a pet shop, the door at last clunked and clanked as the thick iron shafts lining its face descended, opening up in a "V." Circular parts across its surface ground against one another, a chain of cogs on the face of either door. It groaned mightily a crack, wide enough for a svelte young woman in fine black fabrics to squeeze through, cloaked backside and braid first. Subaru waited for her to let him in until—
"Bye-bye, sweeties," she cooed before hurriedly shouldering the entrance shut.
Subaru let loose a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "Awe, I wanted to see the li'l tykes all tuckered out." He didn't have to see any glowing red eyes—and Subaru was shockingly delighted.
Meili turned with a smirk. "I'm afraid they would be simply restless if they knew that Daddy'd come home. You know: gnashing their teeth, wanting to gobble you up, the usual."
Subaru did, in fact, know this. He was ready for it. Instead, Meili was being weird and preferring to talk outside the menagerie. "That's why I was saying this thing civilized, normal people call: a joke ."
" Ah, okay, therein lies the issue," Meili nodded, all sagelike. "See, it's been drilled in my dumb, savage brain over and over again that jokes are things which people laugh at, so…" Upturned palms wobbled before Meili, uncertain of what to make of this predicament.
Neither did Subaru, so he lightly flicked her in the forehead.
Meili snorted as her head unrealistically snapped back. She gave a smile while rubbing her forehead, long enough for it to start sagging in the face of Subaru's. "What is it?" she asked, avoiding eye contact suddenly. "You're looking at me strangely again."
Subaru really didn't know the kind of face he was making. "Am I really so weird?"
"Considering everything, yes, you don't strike me as mentally well."
"Ouch."
Meili huffed, smiling. "Honestly, though. Not even our queen is a hundred percent sound. We're all hopeless."
"I wouldn't say that. Pretty sure I've overcome worse odds." Subaru wrinkled his nose at that, but found himself otherwise unable to disagree with Meili's assessment of Emilia. "When it comes to us, though, just have faith in Father Time's care! It's the best medicine, after all."
"I don't think Father Time can manage us on his lonesome." Humming, Meili folded her arms, suddenly leading the way down where Subaru came from. "And yet, that isn't the wrongest thing you ever said, either. Still, though: is two days enough time, Subaru?"
He groaned, almost sinking to his knees, only to find himself falling over Meili's small shoulders.
"Fatigued?" she asked in a brisk whisper, palm bracing his torso to stand.
"Nah, you and Ram are just ruthless, is all." Subaru straightened himself on stronger legs. "Seriously. Where do you get off, asking your king questions he isn't able to answer? I should have you executed."
"Oh, Subaru. Doing it again."
"Doing what? "
"Being Subaru, in case you haven't realized it for yourself, spirits help us." Meili frowned up at him, her brows knitting, green eyes searching. "Well?" she posed. "If you aren't here to inform, yet are keeping the conversation somewhat relevant to our current situation…" Meili shook her head. "Why are you here? Clearly it's not just to shoot the breeze, so save us both some time and cut to the chase."
Subaru sagged, in-part exhausted, mostly relief for Meili being astute as usual. It was enough for him to do away with anxiety, at least long enough to confess, "I wanted an excuse to talk to you. Meili."
A grin suddenly threatened to split her face in two. "A-as if you ever needed such a reason! Come now, what could be so scary about talking to little old me?"
"Now who's the one avoiding the chase being cut to?"
"What?"
"Stop playing dumb already, you're reminding me of myself." With that, Subaru seized her attention. "You're smart, Mei. You're also insecure. Even last time, I knew you wouldn't take Return by Death and think nothing of it."
And yet, he blatantly lied through his teeth the entire time, avoiding the certain deaths she was responsible for. It's no wonder Meili spent their time together not atypically sullen, but quiet .
Meili's eyes gaped to their limits after Subaru punctuated all this with his forehead to the floor. "Forgive me and my shitty self, Meili. You don't have—we don't have to be friends moving forward, but I swear, I'm going to save you from this fate."
"G-get up, already, you melodramatic fool!" She was hiding her face as soon as Subaru lifted his, twisting her body off to the side. "Honestly. To think that it somehow makes sense in your mind: begrudging one who doesn't resent myself, who doesn't…" Meili shook her head, turning back to regard Subaru, her pale face soft and warm. "There's a part of you that always aggravates me, Subaru, and I think I finally figured out why: you truly are that good of a person."
"Funny thing, a good guy afraid of committing to his shittiness."
"I highly doubt it's due to anything negative about our household."
Subaru didn't need to think to give his head a shake. "Just because of me, what I did."
"Case in point." Meili folded her arms, looking bashful suddenly. "Not that I've a real say in any matters of 'good,' but still. These are my feelings. So… don't dismiss what my feelings have decided, if you really wanna make me feel better."
"Duly noted." Subaru couldn't reply fast enough; more than saving her, he realized then and there, Subaru wished to cheer Meili up. Not just for her sake, but because he understood the burden of inconsolable guilt; this was Meili after learning about Return by Death, and Subaru wasn't going to let her continue on this way. Not a soul he cared about deserved to know guilt, the kind so potent it scarred the soul forever.
Meili continued their stroll down the corridor. "So tell me," she continued lightly, "what exactly did you do that was so awful?"
Her verbiage implied an inherent lack of judgement, no airs about it. It was the same vibe he got from Emilia, and it warmed the soul despite how little it helped in the long term.
"I've been avoiding you, Meili, because… um…" Subaru couldn't just tell her that she voluntarily bit her tongue, and after risking life and limb to save her from Typhon at that. "Because I failed you, when you get down to it." Looking her in the eye, Subaru… had to draw his shut as he breathed deep, first. "I avoided you last time, too, if we're being honest. Had a pretty good idea, though, of what was happening behind that sullen face. But I was… too afraid of hurting you to address it, Meili." He was about to sit himself on the hall floor, as this could take a while, but Meili took Subaru's forearm before his butt could hit the ground.
"Were you raised on a farmstead?" Meili's words flowed gently from a face hidden by lilac bangs. "Sitting on the dirty ground, making girls think you h-hate them?" Her gaze lifted, green and glistening and sturdy enough to keep it all in. "That curse of yours couldn't have blessed a more perfect idiot, you know."
Subaru laughed in agreement. "Yeah, anybody would've done better with Return by Death." Literally anybody.
"O-okay, don't say that." Meili's grip fell, wrapping around his slightly bigger hand. "Please, I—did not intend for you to take it that way," she haltingly explained. "Why, Subaru? Why are you s-s- such a moron?" Meili wiped her face into her dark sleeve, muttering, "Dammit."
"Because I never pay attention, not in school nor the important parts of life lessons. So, let me make it up to you." It was as good a transition as any. Meili eased herself away, nearing the big window bathing a section of corridor in sunset-orange. "Your mabeasts aren't going to do jack against, like, three of the Witches." Subaru counted on one finger, then a second, "And frankly, we're so uninformed about our enemy that there's no point in risking the lot of you for what amounts to a suicide mission that only benefits me . And mildly at that. If I'm lucky." He ended counting four fingers.
Meili's mouth staggered open and closed, her crafty but socially stifled brain struggling to process such a reality check. Subaru wouldn't be surprised if some of these conclusions were ones she had already made, like Ram had; but for one reason or another, Meili refused to fight, speak up, or move from her post until Subaru lured her out.
"If you wanna help me, then be a dear and save your skin. To this day, I still don't—"
"No."
Subaru frowned, having expected resistance; but Meili was never the type to interject like a child. "Listen, this world might still go on if I die. Your life will end tomorrow if you stay, Meili! Horribly and tragically, for no reason—!"
"I said, 'no!' No, I'm not leaving!"
"Can you not be such a stubborn child for once?"
Meili glared as if to say, 'That's a laugh coming from you.' Subaru felt it. "Who's gonna direct the mabeasts after we take care of Daphne? You?" her voice quivered. "You gonna act as bait again, die and suffer all over again, Subaru? And leave me alone in this shitpile of a world again? For that? Again?! " Meili took a breath, holding back the tears as best she could as Subaru did the same; her 'agains' cut more harshly than virtually anything Ram had ever said. " That's the part of your toxic kindness that I won't abide by, Subaru. I have nothing else to live for but my allegiance to this house. Whether or not you respect my desires, they will take priority in my life over yours."
While Meili made a good point about the mabeasts, she didn't know that the plan was changed to unleash them inside the castle, rather than risking one escaping into the countryside in a victory loop. In these halls, they could let the monsters rampage free just as easily as they could retrieve Meili after winning. Meili—who killed herself for reasons beyond pure guilt, reasons Subaru wasn't privy to. This was tricky, even though it shouldn't be; he shouldn't be so afraid of saying 'no' to this recklessness, and yet, here Subaru was: ostensibly petrified by his own hypocrisy.
He couldn't help but sigh. "Tell me honestly: what would happen if you did as I asked, and everything played out exactly as you described?"
She laughed mirthlessly. "I'd be bummed out. Subaru, is this truly what you're here for? I feel that it is not," Meili wondered, tapping her foot with crossed arms.
Was that all there was to say? The way you died last time… No, there was no way Subaru could tell anybody that, let alone Meili.
She growled like a little beast. "Why do you keep looking at me like I'm some wounded animal?"
"I'm wondering how you're feeling," Subaru confessed, unable to think of a cover fast enough. "Meili, I don't want you beating yourself up over the past. Alright? That's all I'm worried about."
Meili flushed. "No wonder I've been getting that vibe from you. Pervert, using knowledge about myself I'm not privy to. It gives me shivers!" She shivered for emphasis.
Subaru matched her awkward surprise at the ensuing silence; he wasn't playing around, not with this, he realized. "Get over it right now and listen to my words." Meili jumped in Subaru's grasp upon her shoulders. "I'm. Worried. About. You," he enunciated, shaking Meili to make sure she got it through her stubborn, childish pride.
Speaking of which, there she was: the child Meili, looking at the world through watery eyes. "I don't need it."
Subaru would respect that if she were being honest. "You don't," he agreed, "but you have to not want it first."
Meili shook her head. "I don't need your pity, I'm fine—!"
"You're shouting." Subaru had to tell himself to keep it cool.
"I don't need it," she insisted.
"Then tell me to get lost already, stubborn loli!" Though he didn't squeeze her tight—Meili always felt too scrawny and fragile for bear hugs—Subaru was so firm he seemed to cut off her breathing.
"Please, no," she croaked. "Not this. This's the last thing I-I-I—!" She was on the verge.
Subaru hugged tighter, desperate to prevent it, even though Meili hated herself because of him. "I'm so sorry for leaving you alone all day, Meili. I knew that no matter what I did, I'd end up hurting you, but I didn't know… I didn't know how to talk to you… about… this…" One of the hardest things Subaru ever had to say left his heart was pounding like he was dying; she had to have felt it against her skinny chest, through their fine fabrics. "Last loop, Meili, Meili, y-you—"
"Don't—"
"—you k'hill —h-hurt yourself—"
"Subaru," Meili said firmly, grasping him by the face just so as a smile donned hers. "I get it, you sweet idiot. You don't have to flex your 'sahmureye' honor over this… trivial matter."
Lifting away from her grip Subaru clasped Meili's hand between his. "You're one of the people I care about. Nothing about you could possibly be trivial to me." Subaru spoke this with all the heartfelt sincerity he could muster without shouting and scaring the girl.
"I've been… thinking… about it," she said, flexing her free fingers. "N-not the act, no, but, I know myself and what I would do in some worst case scenarios."
"As do we all, a perfectly normal thing."
Meili shook her head with a huff. "Between that, and the way you've been acting… well, there are only so many possibilities when it comes to a simpleton like King Subaru."
"The fact that you added 'King' to that really makes it sting!" Subaru reacted, fist and teeth clenched.
Meili's smile broadened, only to ebb completely. "It wasn't hard to figure out what'd happened, upon learning of your power. Even now, if I felt it would have helped you, I would end my life. And no, don't mistake that for guilt!" she added a little too quickly. "I wouldn't do something as selfish as commit suicide out of guilt, or some twisted sense of justice." Meili's crossed arms loosened as her tight expression sank. "But to have little regard for one's own being is one thing—to me, that's my pride as an assassin and the life debt I owe you, doubly so now that I'm aware of all the trouble I caused you. Just ask Big Bro Garf."
Did Garf say something crazy to Meili? "I'll do a little more than 'ask' stuff the next time I see him."
Meili pouted. "Big Brother is not compelling enough to shape my worldview. Our philosophies merely align in this regard, it's something I've always kept close to heart."
Subaru knew this, but wanted to inject some levity and he could tell from Meili's banter that she felt the same.
"However, it's another matter entirely, to have little love for the self, and I… still have very little love for my own self, Subaru."
"I know." As in, Subaru knew Meili still hated herself. For everything.
"You must have known how… your power, your… 'Return by Death' would make me feel." Meili, as anticipated, despite Subaru's understanding of people, smiled at this. "But you didn't ask Miss Beatrice to send me away."
"No. You deserved to know. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't respect the trust you'd put in me all those years ago."
Meili's eyes donned a softness to them; it was a look Subaru recognized in himself, a look that admired everyone around him but himself. "As far as I'm concerned, even a year later, I consider my life very last when stacked beside those of our… of Queen Emilia's cabinet." She said such a morbid thing with so fond a smile. Sweet in a twisted way, the Meili Classic; it felt nice to experience it again, within such a Hell like this one. "I hope you aren't blaming yourself. I'm sorry for being this way."
"I'm selfish enough to blame myself, yeah. Sorry, but I at least could've handled it like this the last loop, but… didn't. And now, I'll never know how you felt back then. Because I was a coward." Nails dug into Subaru's palms, teeth his bottom lip. "But don't take that as judgement on how you feel about yourself. I… get it." Subaru loathed to consent despite having learned to respect boundaries when it came to particularly touchy subjects like this. He was just that kind of hypocrite. "I get what it's like to not give a damn about what happens to you, so long as it keeps your loved ones alive and happy."
Meili swallowed, big eyes gleaming brilliantly. "Huh. I find myself… glad, Subaru… to know someone who… gets how I feel." Her voice hitched; when Subaru lifted his eyes, Meili turned hers away into a sleeve. "How about that?" she quivered airily. "It can't be helped. Your toxic brand of kindness has always been the kind that makes me most happy."
'It's nice to feel wanted again,' Meili had once said. "Once again: that honesty gives me serious conflicting emotions," Subaru joked.
Meili laughed. "Yeah, well, after agonizing over it all day, I think I finally figured out why you've stuck around even me for so long, just now." Setting aside that he wanted her around, not the other way around, Meili was just a kid who needed to be wanted—something that applied to a vast many of Emilia's inner circle. "Can't believe I've been holed up all day, wondering what your ulterior motive was. When really, it's just… you're always so Subaru about it. From the day we played together in Arlam village."
Subaru suddenly felt like he hadn't changed at all since coming here. "Are you saying I'm like a little kid?"
"Something like that," said Meili, hands behind her back, "but also very human. I think it's perfectly normal to not wanna be alone, and to want the people you care about to get better. After all, only you could've gotten everybody to where they are now." Subaru refused to believe such an exaggeration—"That's what I think, anyway," Meili added. "Not by having a huge part in our lives, but just by… being there, stubborn and selfish and wanting us by your side." She snorted to herself. "Look at what you've turned me into, Subaru. You'd better take responsibility for it in the coming battles."
Subaru knew she didn't just mean tomorrow's, or even those pertaining to the Witches of Sin.
"...You Were Such a Fool, I Should Have Died First"
