"So… how're you feeling?"
"About…?" Meili drawled.
Subaru nearly halted in place, unsurprised by this particular reaction by now. "E-everything?"
"Um… you want me to say something different, I presume? Other than another apology?"
What was meant to be a quick dialogue turned into a thirty minute walk through the castle and down memory lane. He wasn't avoiding Garfiel or Beatrice, Subaru just couldn't tear himself away from Meili after finally crossing the "RBD gap" with her. "I… dunno what I'm looking for. I guess there's nothing to be done, except continue beating a dead horse, but…"
"But what?" Meili took one last bite of a fruit snagged when they'd passed the kitchen, before pouring her handful of seeds in a passing flower vase.
"Frederica'll throttle you."
"No she won't. Any-ways, you sound like a pervert , Subaru, prodding me for reactions every five minutes. You want me to sob snottily as I cling to your shirt?" She smiled sardonically, paleness darkened by the gloomy luster of the crystal lamps, now reflecting early night. "Will that satisfy?"
Her word choice struck an uncomfortable chord with Subaru, making the back of his head itchy. "Uh, kinda? Now that I think about it." Meili looked as disgusted with him as Subaru felt about himself there. "I mean, wasn't exactly holdin' my breath for that, but I guess I was picturing the both of us..." Subaru shrugged; whatever this odd feeling was, it flared at the contrast to what he'd been expecting. "I dunno, talking more?"
They had certainly done that, too; but Meili continued acting as she had this loop instead of the last. "I'm worried, okay? I just wanna make sure you're not flaying yourself over this, over what's already done and forgiven."
"Gross." Meili's soft smile said otherwise. "You're such a gross man, Subaru. There's always been a part of you like that, unafraid of telling people what you want them to do."
Subaru knew this, and it got him into particularly deadly trouble on more than one occasion; not outright, but ostensibly—Garf, Emilia Camp's shield, and Subaru's expectations being a prime example. "Yeah, I don't think sometimes. But crying's the last thing I want outta you, Meili."
"So, what's more important, Subaru?" she asked lightly, hands clasped behind her back. "This is why you're so vexing at times: do you want me to say what you wanna hear, or shall I continue basking in your forgiveness for this brief window Satella's given us?"
N-neither . It once again occurred to Subaru, just how greedy he was. "Wasn't my last line of dialogue about not wanting you to cry?" Subaru exhaled. "That's all it is, Meili. I don't want you feeling bad about me, our past or what you've done. I don't want you crying into your pillow once we split up for the night."
"How arrogant a desire." Despite her words, Meili still bore a fond smile. "If it's any consolation, I've never done such a thing alone."
"O-oh?" The implications were heavy. Subaru had no idea she was that bad.
Meili tucked herself in her shoulders in response, muttering, "Because I've always had Petra." Her slight smirk twitched before collapsing. "At least, once she forgave me."
Which only happened after growing up, learning more about people and the complexities of the world, and forgiving Roswaal by extension. Petra still considered him a bad person, however.
"Not that I'm offended, but you never tried talking to even Emilia?"
Meili huffed, rolling her eyes. "She's too different to understand what I'm going through."
"Ah, you think she's too pure." Subaru laughed, slipping his hands into his pockets. "You'd be surprised."
Meili shrugged. "It doesn't matter now."
"No… guess it doesn't."
"But I see what you're trying to avoid saying, and sorry, Subaru, but I absolutely refuse to cling to your hand for the rest of my life like Lady Beatrice." Meili stiffened at the sound of Subaru's low whistle. "I… trust that you won't tell her I think that."
"Only at the last minute in a failed loop, I promise."
"Me and my big mouth," Meili sighed. There just wasn't any point extolling the progress of Beako when Meili chose not to see it, and Subaru had learned enough about people and their opinions to not make a big deal of the insult. "Although," Meili continued softly, "I doubt Petra has much she wants to say to me now."
"What makes you say that?" Meili gave Subaru a deadpan. "Right, right, Return by Death, sorry."
"I haven't seen her since we split this morning," Meilia explained. "Though, knowing her, Petra could be training her butt off while using it as an excuse not to see me."
Now that he was met with this version of Meili, Subaru didn't have the confidence to insist that it was all in her head. "Well, for what it's worth," said Subaru, wrapping up this conversation, "I'm glad to see you strong. And not for peace of mind's sake, but yours."
"Oh, don't mistake me," Meili bluntly cut in. "I still think death is a fitting punishment for what I've done to everybody, even without taking your curse into account," she said so lightly. Her smiling expression lowered. "I must've hurt Frederica and Petra a lot, huh?"
Subaru, who avoided any happenings to the others in failed loops, wanted to deny that she hadn't, but he already planted the notion that those timelines could still exist. Most of those worlds have probably reset themselves by now, thanks to Reinhardt being what he was and Emilia being what she was.
"Well," Subaru breathed in and exhaled, "you did say, once, that you made sure Petra got it quick. So, probably, you—"
"Is getting your head crushed in the jaws of a monster really a pleasant way to go?" Her tone sniped, 'Don't patronize me. I know my craft.'
"Getting killed is never pleasant, but you wanna know what is?" Meili blinked tiredly up at Subaru; history proved that this was the extent of her participation. "Laughing together. Being able to apologize. Getting to know someone, like I did with you." The three fingers Subaru counted he pointed at Meili, saying, "You're here now because of that, y'know. So I've a pretty good authority on the matter of pleasantness."
"So, you're saying these things make all the tragedy worthwhile? Like some bitter elixir?"
No, I'm saying that I take what I can get, he wanted to snap, suddenly... but that little joke would bring Meili's mood down, and this wasn't about Subaru besides. "I'm saying that your life, the part you played in ours, hasn't been some greatest hits album of horror and bloodshed. If I felt that way, then not a single person you know would be my friend today."
Meili looked up at Subaru, at once dumbstruck and awestruck—a mix of confusion and astonishment. "Even Petra?"
"She never killed me, but in my mind, yes, even Petra put me through a fair bit of Hell. Hell bad enough to never wanna think about it again…" Subaru shivered exaggeratedly, but his words made it too heavy for Meili to keep her face lifted.
"Subaru," she began, "in a vacuum, your words are… your perspective makes sense. But it goes both ways: when you say them to me, as a counter to the pain I've caused you all… I can only hear coping on your end, I'm afraid."
Her tone was sympathetic, yet her words felt dismissive. "What?" Subaru couldn't tell if she was making a jab.
Meili held out her hands as they marched up a stairwell, towards the Royal Wing. "You sound like you searched and found a reason not to hate me," she explained, lifting one palm. "And don't presume that I'm taking it for granted, because I… really appreciate that." Meili opened her momentarily clenched fists, raising the other palm. "But beyond that… I want to take responsibility. For making you feel this way."
Subaru bit back a laugh; Meili was just seeing this in a weird way. "Pretty sure humans like getting along with each other, with or without trauma."
"Look, I'm just saying: on the issue of what's 'pleasant,' you'd better craft a more compelling list if you plan on sharing this with others. Your forgiveness is… it's an unrealistic thing, Subaru. It's a miracle, I think, to a lot of us. And it's also a tad uncomfortable because of that. Just think about how the others feel, m'kay?"
But that's all Subaru had been doing. "So you're saying that I shouldn't tell anyone the things I've told you. I shouldn't forgive you all so readily, even though I've had literal years to get over this stuff—"
"Subaru—"
"You're making me question what I'm doing, Meili." He could only remember her crying in Emilia's arms, armless herself. Meili, last time, had struggled to forgive herself over just the notions of what Subaru went through because of her. After telling her everything, he expected things to be sloppier. Instead, it was like this. "Meili, be real with me. Assume this isn't gonna go our way, this loop: what's one piece of advice you'd want me to have, moving forward?"
"I'm assuming you mean in lieu of our discussion." Smirking at the circle Subaru's arms formed overhead, Meili grabbed onto her braid as she grunted, the stair's length beginning to fatigue her. She whooped upon being scooped up by nothing—nothing but a shadowy hand only Subaru could see. She took in his casual smile, hands in his pockets, with a flustered pout before settling in the pitch-black palm. "This is exactly what I'm talking about," she grumbled.
"What's that, dear child?"
"You want my advice, Subaru? Commit to your choices, to the bitter end. You wanted all of us in your life, despite how much we've hurt you and one another? You want us to know how much we hurt you, and still wanna stay by your side? These are the things I've gathered from our talks, so do correct me if I'm being presumptuous." Subaru was too stunned by her biting precision to even respond, let alone deny any of it. "Well, commit to that, then. Don't you dare give up on us now, Subaru. You'd better not."
It was simple enough for him to breathe a sigh of relief. "Easy enough. I never planned on it."
"That means you, too, dummy."
"Eh?" Subaru heard her, but nothing as to why Meili believed he would give up on himself. "If I ever surrendered, that would mean giving up on all of you."
Finger to her chin, Meili pondered aloud, "Yeah, you've never been a half-asser. So, I think you'll be fine."
Subaru fought the urge to deny the former.
"Because I Really Wasn't Expecting the Little One to be Petra"
