Emilia, gowned and draped with Lugnica's crest, led Crusch and her personal retinue down the hall. Subaru felt comfortable following behind, fingers laced and cradling the back of his head. "I'm sure you're tired," he said. "And there's a lot that needs getting done first thing, and fast. But if there's time, we should sit down and catch up."
Emilia glanced over her shoulder. The others, being behind her, were none the wiser as they smiled tiredly at their king.
"Quite the cocksure king we have here," said Julius. "How arrogant. Though I suppose that is your default, Your Grace."
"What'd you say?!"
"Oh, nothing you don't already know, Your Grace. Besides, it would be quite dull of me, to bore my king with the musings of his lowly servant."
"Dude, I'm going to punch you in front of all your men tomorrow. Watch."
Julius's hearty laugh rang down the hall as Crusch let out a single, lighthearted huff into her hand before removing its glove, then the other. She said, "You've been stiff as a board all morning, Juukulius. I hardly recognize you now."
Subaru felt satisfaction, catching his cool composure leak out a brow-twitch. "I'm merely honoring my Queen and King's decree to, quote, 'keep it casual' when alone in the presence of their closest confidants. Naturally, this suggests a lack of respect for our differences in stations…" Julius let the rest speak for itself, the smug bastard.
Felix practically meowed, crooning in reaction to the exchange. "Jeez! A year apart, and Julius's already taken off his armor and his shoes, and he's even kicked his feet up, too! I gotta ask, where's all this comin' from?"
"Well, I would love for all of us to catch up," said Emilia. "Tomorrow, of course, once we're awaiting our enemies." She had come to a stop in one of the few unused rooms of the Royal Wing at the end of the hall. "Duchess Crusch, Ser Karsten?" She opened the door for her guests.
Crusch bowed deeply. "Thank you, Your Grace."
Felix mirrored her sincerity. "Yeah, it looks really cozy. And I'm lookin' forward to seein' what's gotcha all worked up!"
"Trust me, you aren't."
"Oh, yes I am," Felix replied, oddly impishly compared to Subaru's grave tone. "I'm lookin' forward to learning about it first, then…" his voice softened, "actually hearing about it. Just all of us, just like old times." He was already expecting a half-baked truth to the other nobles—painfully perceptive as ever, Felix.
"We're here to serve." Julius performed the Knights' salute, crossing his chest with an arm. "We're here to fight and die if need be."
'Please, no.' Julius's corpse flickered by, a dozen different contortions in a single instant. Subaru didn't tell his brain to think this.
"Oi, Juli."
"Wh-what?"
Felix sighed, ears wilting. "Nya think Subaru sent his friends away nyot already knyowin' that? You're such a brickhead sometimes, I swear…"
"It means you should retire for the evening, Ser Knight," Crusch added dismissively. "As should we all. It's clearer now more than ever, how little time we have to prepare."
"So, g'night! Get as much as rest nya can!" Felix all but slammed the door shu—and he poked his cat-face back out. "Oh, and Subaru? One more thing."
This sounded serious. "Wh-what's up?"
Felix whispered, "Nya made Emilia mad."
"You—!"
"Nyahaha! Talk out your differences like grownups, and then take a good long while making it up to one another! Your battlefield synergy'll be glad for it tomorrow night, and so will our happily not-dead bodies! 'Kay-'kay, buh-bye now!" And Felix was gone. Muffled laughter burst against the other side of the door, deep and womanly alongside obnoxious and devilish. "Love ya guys!" Felix called, ever-so-conscientious.
Cackling mischievously one second, being 'Doc Argyle, People-Person Extraordinaire' the next. Emilia, bowed and red-faced, ushered Betty along while leading Julius to his room the next door over.
"He's taking this too lightheartedly."
Subaru countered, "It's just Felix being Felix." He could be serious, but now wasn't a time that demanded seriousness.
"I think he feels the gravity of our situation." Emilia didn't turn her head, but she sounded as gentle and normal as ever. "Like Subaru, he doesn't want us to poison ourselves before the battle with heavy hearts and, um, 'neg—n-neggy vibes.'"
"I-it's 'negative vibes,' Mili."
"Really? I could've sworn you said 'neggy vibes,' before."
"Many times, in fact."
"Traitors! And when I'm tryna look cool and regal in front of Julius, too!"
A soft chuckle tried muting itself beside Subaru, only for a louder, but still gentle one, to burst forth. It was somehow mighty enough to make Julius's padded shoulders bounce. After controlling himself with a cough, his smile lingering, Julius explained. "To think, I was about to express how irresponsible it iwas of Felix, to act so familiar with individuals of your stature."
"Weren't you just toeing the line of casual…ty? Casualness?" Subaru shook his head. "What gives you the right to judge?"
"My exasperation, to put it simply. Not a right, merely an excuse." Julius sighed, running a hand through his hair the way he always does. "I don't know. I suppose it's just a side effect of you being as vexing as ever."
"Oh, I see."
"Hmph. Good."
"So you're awkward. "
"Excuse me?" Julius snorted.
Beatrice "tee-hee'd" as his vocal reaction. "Subaru was right. The dauntless Spirit Knight, Juukulius, is truly salted over his crushing defeat at the hands of Subaru and Betty, I suppose! And Betty detests salts, in fact—h-hey! Put me do 'mmf! "
Hugging her wriggling self into his chest, Subaru prattled off a scolding: "There's a time and place for gloating, and we don't have a thing to be proud of. We got our asses kicked just short of literally dying because Julius isn't a complete psychopath. Also, it's 'salty.' Julius ain't no pretzel." Betty's entire being fell slack. "Message received?"
"Message received, in fact."
Subaru dropped Beatrice to her feet. She didn't turn to face the Spirit Knight. "Now apologize."
"No. He's still salted to Betty, in fact."
"You don't need to go near him to say 'sorry.' Come on. Your attitude wasn't cool."
Julius tried raising a hand. "Subaru, it's quite alright—"
"No, no, she needs to learn the Natsuki Dynasty's way of self-awareness and inescapable embarrassment. For it is the only way to live an honest life."
"This is the first Betty's heard of it, in fact."
Subaru nudged her away with a gentle prodding of his knee. "Go on. I'll make you two kiss and make up if you don't."
"In that case, then Betty shall depart from this castle in the safety of Ser Juukulius's stronger arms, I suppose."
Subaru snorted back laughter. "Was that supposed to get a rise outta me? You'd be bawling your eyes out, trying to wriggling out of Julius's hand like he's tryna kidnap you!"
Julius pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'd never be so dense as to expose myself in such a compromising way. Nor would I accept the advances of the Lady Beatrice if ever confronted with them—"
"Oh, Julius, you're not supposed to take them seriously," said Emilia. "This is just Subaru and Beatrice having a banter."
"Like an act?"
"It's how they can be such good friends!" Subaru felt a pang from that one, even though Emilia's understanding of an act wasn't so different from "banter."
It was just how he and Beatrice were. He knew his spirit loved it, deep down. "Apologize." Subaru, cross-armed, nudged Beatrice further back with a knee. "Apologize with self-awareness." Another nudge." And all the embarrassment you're feeling right now." Nudge-nudge. "This has been the way of the Natsuki Dynasty for seventeen generations."
Part of Subaru was afraid that Betty—the Beako of last timeline—would flip at the facade, this act Subaru was now realizing he let himself fall for. He had some nerve, after all, considering the reality check he used to get everyone to leave less than an hour ago.
This part of Subaru revealed itself once Betty finally relented with a skirt-wringing, "I'm sorry, in fact," towards his knees.
Julius nodded happily, though she didn't see. "Your behavior is warranted, Lady Beatrice. Despite this, you remain a charming and proper little miss."
"Hmph! I cannot disagree." She spun on her heel, hand in the air. "Praise Betty more, if you must, I suppose. I assure you, anything would be more than Subaru's paltry offerings per week, I suppose."
"You're so easy." Thank you. Subaru exhaled. This wasn't that big of a deal—so why was his heart racing? "Where was I?" he wondered aloud. "Oh, yeah, you're awkward, man! That's all."
Julius blinked to his senses, probably dumbstruck by a year with the crown doing little to polish their uncouth dynamic. "Be that as it may, I fail to see the logic you're running off of."
"You just don't know how to interact with Beako and I after we beat you, fair and square, in front of the whole country." Subaru nodded, crossing his arms. "Hmm, yes, I see. I understand. Yes, indeed, I do, I do. You see, Julius, my good and mighty lad, back where I come from, there's a saying for this: 'now the shoe is on the other foot,' if I recall correctly."
The Knight of Knights barked out laughter before quickling smothering it in his hand. His amber eyes flickered to Subaru, warm and playful. It was a good look for Julius. " Please ," he bragged with all the arrogance a man of his talent deserved. "Firstly, it's 'now you know my sword's weight.' Which I don't, just to be clear. My shame is different enough from your old wounds for it not to be applicable."
"Nitpicky bastard."
"Second: never, in a million years, would you have a chance at defeating me and my own spirits in a serious battle. Not in a contest as laidback as that one"
"'Contest—?!'" All this time, to hear Julius think so little of his surrender.
"Yes, a contest, as I recall per the words of my challenge." His eyes flickered over to Subaru, serious without a hint of resentment. "A contest you and your Great Spirit won, fair and square, indeed."
"O-oh." Subaru felt it again in his bones, those tremors of chills from Emilia's coronation ceremony after the battle; after Subaru's final—until now, final—scuffle with the Witch's Cult.
Somehow, Julius managed to reignite that epic, capital 'Oh Shit' feeling from back then, racing up Subaru's spine as he recalled being challenged by Julius Juukulius, the Knight of Knights, to a "final contest" of sorts. The goal? To convince him that he was in the wrong, that day Subaru slandered him in the throne room.
"Indeed." Julius took a deep breath before sighing it all out. Softly, he said, "And, in retrospect, I suppose you could call it a rematch on my end as well."
"Julius?" Emilia stopped to turn, and even Betty looked enraptured despite her dislike of Julius's Divine Protection.
Subaru was speechless; part of him didn't want them here for what was about to be a moment for Julius. This was despite them knowing how much that first duel four years ago mattered to Subaru, and it was for that reason—and not remembering the loneliness he felt in the garage earlier—that he jumped to Emilia and Betty's hands as Julius collapsed on one knee, sword laid at his feet.
Julius's ultimate gesture of sincerity.
"Yes, a rematch," he continued. "I realized long ago that our duel was one I'd lost, long before the first swing was swung. But I refused to acknowledge that—no, I refused to believe it. That I—the Knight of Knights—could be morally bested by a man I presumed to be know-nothing and simple!"
Subaru wanted to tell Julius to calm down, but that would be missing the point, and falling on deaf ears besides. He was left scratching his cheek instead. "There you go again, man. Always so stiff and serious around little old us." Julius looked like a confused child as he lifted his head. "Come on man, get off the floor. Your cloak'll get dirty." It's material ensured nothing short of blood would, however. Not the point, Subaru told himself as he hoisted the taller man to his feet.
"But Subaru… Emilia, Your Graces—all those years ago," Julius choked, "you had a valid point to make—!"
"Yeah, I know." Subaru cut in, hands on his hips. Part of him, he realized, had been expecting this after the way Julius surrendered back then, all intense and reflective "I was there, yelling my ass off as you pummeled Beako."
"That really hurt, in fact." Betty crossed her arms, wrenching away from a patiently listening Emilia. "Subaru wasn't spinning wild tales when he complained of you never holding back. Not even on yourself, I suppose." Her eyes flickered to meet Julius's, holding no true animosity for what was a contest between spirit knights.
"I am unworthy." Julius bowed deeply as he received this gesture.
"That you are, I suppose. Smart boys recognize their insignificance before Betty, however, so you at least have that going for you, I suppose."
"Why'd you look at me when you said 'smart?'"
A soft laugh came from the still-bent Julius. "Regardless, that does not change the reality. You, Subaru, were in the right that day. The first day of the Royal Selection, when the arrogant upper class slandered the would-be-Queen Emilia, and all her radiance, before the court who she sought to lead!"
"Julius…" Emilia entangled herself from Subaru, and he was letting her go at the same time.
The Knight of Knight's continued, unaware of his queen's approach: "And I, who at the same time considered myself the ideal of Lugnica's knights, stood idly by… and allowed this… to unfold." His back straightened as his eyes widened, disbelieving that the woman he ignored could be lifting him by the cheek, smiling as though nothing he did was wrong back then.
"Julius, our loyal servant and talented knight, and irreplaceable friend…" Emilia took him by the hands suddenly, lifting them in hers. "That's enough. I cannot speak for Subaru, but I never held it against you, Julius. You were doing your job and—"
"I was not , Your Grace."
Emilia's smile dropped. "I was used to that being the way of things, and so were you."
"But that doesn't make it right! I should've—!"
"Nobody is at fault for being born the way they are. Nobody," she said, facing towards Subaru. "And I chose to fall in love with a man who feels the same. That is why we fight the battles we chose, Julius, the three of us here: because we're wanted for reasons greater than our starting point. You're here, Julius, because you're more than the breaker of a silly little boy, whose deepest wish was to know that I mattered to at least one person in that room."
"I can't tell if you're excusing my behavior or just forgetting it entirely."
Emilia responded by snatching Subaru by the nose. "Neither, silly!"
He exhaled out the nose with all his might: "GNNNK!"
She flailed away, grinning despite herself. "Augh, Subaru! That noise—!"
"Hah." Julius was smiling. Running a hand through his hair, harder and more exhausted than with his atypical flair. "Forgive the sudden shift in topic, but I must say: between you and Felix, I'm sure to have gray hairs by the time I turn thirty, Subaru."
"Oh?" Emilia turned a smirk on him—signalling her oh-so-witty husband to banter back.
"Why's that? He sees right through your flimsy armor?"
"Hah. No. I mean, y-yes, but… more as a result of being my own worst critic."
"Hey-hey, something new!"
"I know you jest, but it's true. Today, however, all Felix said was for me to relax."
"I think Felix just knows how to push your buttons, Julius!" said Emilia.
Shaking his head, a fond smile grew. "More specifically, Felix could tell what was on my mind… What's been on my mind… And yet, he knew it was something I didn't have to think about. I didn't understand how he could be so confident; after all, a year under the weight of a crown can change anybody."
Emilia sighed. "And yet, you still vowed confidence and faith in our rule after the contest." Her smile was as fond as it was tired. "Thanks for that, by the way. I remembered your argument with Subaru in the throne room for different reasons, but it made me just as happy as he did to receive your earnest blessings."
"'Earnest' even though he was scared we'd turn all mean and nasty after tryna run this country."
"'Absolute power corrupts absolutely,' I suppose," Betty argued in defense of Julius.
"Regardless," he cut in, "this is but another instance of my personal feelings getting the better of me, as far as I'm concerned." Julius's warmth fled as he turned his eyes on Emilia. What Subaru instinctively feared was animosity, a rejection of his queen, turned somber the next instant. And Julius explained, "There's this small part of me, the Lugnican raised on stories of the Witch of Envy and her atrocities, that instinctively confuses the two nearly every instant I see your face, Queen Emilia."
"I understand."
Her immediacy made Julius grit his teeth as Subaru did the same internally. "I won't make this about me again, the wrongness of these feelings. My point comes from a place of nothing but admiration and gladness—to see you unchanged and undeterred by the discrimination you still face a year into your prosperous reign."
"I appreciate that. Thank you very much." Emilia shouldn't have to bow to a knight's flowery prose, but she was that kind of queen, while Julius was that kind of knight. "It's getting to be late, but I want you to sleep with peace of mind after suffering these feelings for a year."
"M-my Queen, there's no need to make yourself concerned—"
Emilia practically lunged forth, hands clasped in a pleading gesture. "I'm not making myself, I am concerned!"
Julius looked to Subaru for rescue from Emilia's overwhelming kindness, the poor guy. "There's no use fighting it, bro. And if you don't accept it, then I'll be the one consoling my poor, worrisome wife."
Emilia pouted in his direction. "I'm not that fragile." She wasn't, but Subaru wasn't utterly wrong either.
Thankfully—Subaru hated to feel this relief—Julius waved his hand good-naturedly. "There's no need to go further than you already have. I feel at ease now that I've unburdened my heart."
Subaru extended his own branch: "That flowery formal speech says otherwise."
Julius insisted, never lessening his smile, not forcing it. "I'm fine. Truly. Just being able to talk like this has done wonders for my focus. I feel like I can pour every ounce of my being into the coming battle now."
"Just don't start berating yourself over your inability to do so until now," said Beatrice. "Fail to overcome your despair, and you won't be able to accept the forgiveness of your diarchs." She spoke with attitude, but Beatrice hit Julius's bullseye as she received a formal bow from the knight personally.
"I'll keep this to heart when it matters most."
"Good. Then your sins will be forgiven should you fail." She said that for Julius's sake as much as Subaru's—after hearing him regret sending everyone off, she had to be.
It was unnecessary and a little bit gross to say that from the perspective that she had. On the other hand, Beatrice had been perfect enough until now, acting as though everything was fine, that Subaru didn't spare her so much as a funny look.
His eyes were on Julius Juukulius, his charming, humble smile as he bade them goodnight.
The Knight of Knights, the loyal and passionate friend, who had come to be thrown against a brick wall to see if he would stick.
They didn't turn for their chambers until Julius was behind a closed door. It was the polite thing to do. It was the honorable thing to do in Subaru's mind, after plotting to use this man's devotion as a shield against their enemies.
A tool.
Subaru understood that that was the purpose of a nation's fighting force; he was certain Crusch and Julius would feel the same. It wouldn't be any different from Rem's sentiments, and that was precisely the problem. How can I favor some lives over others?
More frighteningly: Where does my hypocrisy end?
Until it's just Emilia, Beako and I against the Witches of Sin?
When I'm back to asking nobody for help, just throwing myself into the meat grinder until that works?
Most terrifying of all: Satella… why am I allowed to think this way now? Did you know what this would do to me? Perhaps she did, and didn't care. She did what she felt was best for Subaru, and he couldn't blame her if she'd learned by his example.
In a twisted way, they were made for each other.
How would Julius feel about their contest… rematch-thing… once he learned the truth? Once he realized Emilia's success was built on Subaru's determination to essentially cheat their way to the top?
Probably nothing. Different things mattered to Julius, whose mind had been on things ultimately irrelevant to the validity of Emilia's rule this past year: "Knight? A knight?! What kinda TRASH KNIGHT feels proud after making a little girl CRY?!"
That was one the things Subaru had screamed from the depths of his soul one year ago, in a contest against Julius. This was after opening his eyes to find Beatrice, bruised and battered in the face of Julius's cold intensity, his battle-focus. A sword's point was inches from her precious face, poised there with a jeering callback to their first duel: "I see. You're still too weak to protect anyone. What kind of a knight fights his way to the top with zero foundation paving the way?!" To this day, Subaru didn't know what urged Julius on that fight, whether it was losing his place by Anastacia's side or Reinhardt in the battle hours before. Perhaps it was all of that on top of his stressed, perfectionist ass being all puckered thanks to some childhood he could do nothing about.
Subaru understood that that's how people like Julius and Crusch existed. It's how people like Ram and Rem existed, too. He was able to let go of his resentment somewhere in the journey because of that; Julius's intensity, it came from a place Subaru would never fully understand. And longer ago, before even learning the importance of proper, honest communication from Rem, Subaru understood how deserving he was of that ass-beating. Experiencing people a bit more made such pettiness an easy thing to forgive and forget about, in the truest sense. Even if Julius would always be Julius; the reverse was true, and Subaru to him would always be Subaru.
That is until, years later, Julius went and dredged that day up again. He wasn't frothing at the mouth, he didn't even seem any different from usual. There was an intensity about him, however, especially in the way he challenged Subaru to 'prove he was in the right.' In all his geniusness, Subaru thought that meant in a battle of strength. Julius had voiced no disagreements, accepting that as what his soon-to-be-king viewed as a suitable test.
Minutes later, Subaru was bleeding in the dirt yet again. Yet again with a broken bone—only one this time. Yet again, just like back then, he proved Julius right; he was "too weak to protect anybody," and Betty was made a priority target due to her dangerous advantage at having a decent storage of mana.
But that didn't matter to Subaru, and deep down, it was clear now that this didn't matter to Julius. Everyone who watched that fight and partook in it were well-aware of the difference in skill, even considering Subaru and Beatrice's synergy in a fight. What mattered was the "why" of it all: why they were fighting, why their paths had led to that point, why Subaru cut Julius deeper than he himself realized the day they met.
"Yeah, you ARE a trash knight!" Subaru's unbroken arm, he remembered clawing through the dirt, eyes squarely on Beatrice and her lumpy, purpled face. "You're the trashest knight this side of the Garbage Kingdom 'f Lugnica! Y'make me SICK, man! Still, y'still make my stomach turn, ya cowardly bastard! 'Honor?' 'Valor?!' You Knights all sound the same t'me, when you don't have a friggin' clue about what it means to be a hero ! "
At the time, Subaru didn't presume the way Julius regarded his delirious ramblings. He was too busy hating himself at the time, sounding like the same helpless idiot that embarrassed Emilia in the throne room, only this time it was Beatrice who was his victim.
However, everyone who bore witness to this moment saw how the Knight of Knights' sword tip began to tremble. There was no way he could follow through on his threat cleanly, assuming he had any further notion of getting Subaru to submit in such a tactless way, if at all to begin with.
Everyone saw this but Subaru, who continued vomiting the sentiments that fueled his embarrassing self three years ago in the throne room: "And I get it, man. You work your freaking ass off, I get that! I've been there! I've cried bloody tears after working myself to the bone! I've wanted to sit down and just rest so many times, enough… Enough to—! Hrk , enough to give ANYBODY a run for their money!" The sand against Subaru's face became warm with coughed-up blood. "I get it, I get, I get it! I'm a shit knight who doesn't know shit about anything! But even so—even so—I get why you fought so hard! I get why you believed in yourself! And I get why you thought Anastacia would've been the best thing ever for the country! But that's just the thing with guys like you; everyone thinks they're right because of stupid bragging rights! Like holding that sword, and wearing that coat, makes you some kinda judge of what's just and good?! Don't give me that utter CRAP! YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHAT'S GOOD! TO THINK THAT MAKES YOU A KNIGHT?! YOU'RE A POSER! YOU LET EMILIA BE HUMILIATED AND SLANDERED AND HOW DARE YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS A KNIGHT, YOU ARROGANT, COCKY BASTARD?! "
"Subaru!" A small form fell on top of him. In this state, Subaru would have started thrashing in self-defense, had the tiny hand tousling his hair not made itself known. "You won, I suppose. It's over now, in fact."
That's when Subaru finally took in the sight of Julius, gazing upon his swordless hands. Subaru thought he proved his point, but not affected the otherwise confident knight to such an extent.
Hours later, his one-on-one with Subaru went as follows: "Your behavior is still deplorable," he'd said with a smirk. "But until recently, I failed to fully comprehend the emotions driving it. You have my eternal respect, from now until the day I die, Subaru Natsuki, my king and fellow knight." Subaru vaguely remembered punching the guy in the shoulder, telling him to relax and enjoy the party.
No, that's exactly what had happened.
"Julius is very intense, huh?" They had arrived at the door to their personal chambers. As Beatrice let herself in, Emilia was found inspecting Subaru's expression.
"I'm that obvious, huh?"
"Good grief. You boys are so awkward."
"Mili!"
She briskly strolled in after Beatrice. "I swear, the only time you can be honest with each other is if the world is at stake. What's there to be flustered about speaking from the heart?"
Subaru followed, closing the door behind him. "Between two dudes? A lotta things, Mili. Masculine politics, they're a tricky thing."
"Hmm. Seems unnecessary and pointless to me, sorry."
"Betty concurs. Subaru is at his coolest when he isn't being fake, I suppose."
"'Cool and fake?' Even Beako's not taking masculine politics seriously!"
"I'm not in the business of taking you and Juukulius's chest-beating as anything more than tension." Beatrice had reclaimed her spot from before Frederica made her big request, back against a wall of pillows with a massive, irrelevant book in-hand. "Sort out your own relationships, Subaru. Betty shall serve as your support in battle, and little else, I suppose."
In other words, 'I wish I could help you, but I'd be useless here.' It was the closest to expressing humility that Beatrice would get in the company of Emilia.
Wait, that means she plans on— Beatrice thrust the open book on crop rotations between her face and Subaru's— walling me…
Then the book fell on Beatrice's legs. "Heed the talented healer's advice, you two. But if it comes to blows, Betty will choose Subaru's side, in fact. Be warned, Emily."
The queen bowed respectfully. "Thank you, Beatrice. I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
"Don't entertain her as if that's an actual risk!"
"It's low-risk, I suppose. But Emily has earned the gentle reminder. It's the least Betty can do, I suppose."
"We got ourselves a real Samaritan over here."
Emilia bowed once more. "I understand. But don't worry, Beatrice—I'll work extra hard to protect Subaru from myself."
"Don't talk like you're on the verge of snapping, Mili! It makes me nervous!"
"Sorry…" Rather than smile, Emilia took his exaggerated concern seriously.
After all, Subaru was screaming back at the garage for everyone to consider how he feels "for once."
"Hmph." Beatrice replaced the book between them and her.
In spirit, it was just Subaru and Emilia, who lowered her face to the floor just as he looked over. Surely her mind was on Felix's two cents before he slammed the door in their faces, the nosy cat.
"Um…" Emilia wrung her hands over and over one another as though washing them.
Subaru stepped up, easing them still with his hands. "When you're ready, I'd like to know why you're upset," he said. Though preference lay in presuming why, just so he could apologize faster, this was about Emilia's feelings now. But even after receiving a nod, fear surged up Subaru's back, and his anxiety up a wall. He hated making her upset: "Okay, okay, I know I should've spoken to you first before making such a hasty decision—"
"N-no. It's not that." Emilia flashed a smile as brief as it appeared. "Or, at least, not just that."
"But you are upset about that?"
"Hmm. It's difficult to explain. If I had to explain it, I'm happy to know our friends are safe and sound. But I'm upset because… hrmm… Thinking about it broadly, I guess I feel upset considering the road to get there." Emilia shook her head. "Maybe it's self-pity. Maybe I'm no better than Julius, desperate to find someone to blame for my own embarrassment."
At least she was being herself. Their familiarity with this dance urged Emilia to focus on her own thoughts, rather than worry about Subaru leaving her for feeling this way or that.
"What about that road is making you upset?" He pressed on, "I'm pretty sure it's about… well… you know—"
"No, I don't know." Emilia's brows knitted, hands squeezing Subaru's back. "Help me understand, please."
"Heh, like I know. I've grown past assuming how you feel, Mili." Beatrice barked a short, sharp, "HA!" Subaru found himself glaring flatly through Emilia. "Thanks, B. You just reminded me of all the empty rooms we have in this castle now."
"Betty will be silent, in fact."
Subaru swallowed a laugh as Emilia leveled him with a 'Don't tease her' glare. It made for a nicer atmosphere than it would be otherwise. This dynamic was no longer uncomfortable, for anyone involved—accepting Emilia in Subaru's "happily ever after" ostensibly meant Beatrice respecting their need for privacy. However, complete one-on-one time was a rarity for any arrangement of the three. For this reason and more, Subaru knew he couldn't keep his relationships with Beatrice and Emilia separate forever. There had to be crossover if this was to work, which urged mutual understanding and a respect of boundaries from everybody.
In other words, Beatrice has since stood as an unbiased witness to many a disagreement between Subaru and Emilia. That's right, unbiased. Beatrice had opinions, obviously. But out of respect for Emilia and Subaru's privacy (and the more prominent desire of being involved in the lives of her two favorite people), Beatrice has since affirmed herself as a neutral party when it came to matters that only involved her role as Subaru's contracted spirit.
"Anyway, Mili, what's going through your head? What's the first thing that jumps out at you?"
"I'm relieved to know that everyone is out of harm's way." Emilia seemed as liberated as Subaru felt to know that that was the case. "But another is… I can't… just wrap my head around it, it's frustrating and hypocritical!" She didn't raise her voice at Subaru, but towards herself.
"It's okay, Mili. You're alright. You just have to say what you wanna say most—"
"Subaru, what ever happened to respecting the others' decisions?" She reacted immediately to the shock, the hurt on Subaru's face. "Y-you asked what I wanted to say most—!"
"I know, I know, I know, it's just…" There was a lot more to Emilia's question than the question itself; it was a matter of trust, and he understood immediately where Emilia was coming from. The hard part: he knew Emilia had no negative feelings about the mess in of itself. If anything, she naturally empathized with Subaru on that front. Apologizing for that would be as easy as it had been to the others, for better or worse; but because this was not "the others," Subaru was in a unique disposition when it came to Emilia, inherently making this at once painfully simple and utterly complicated.
Subaru had to start somewhere, and he started with a step away and a bow. "I'm sorry, Emilia."
She reclaimed the distance he made, holding his face towards her worried one. "Why are you apologizing, Subaru?" Her tone carried disbelief, for whatever reason. As if she wasn't looking for this.
Subaru was unable to look her in the eye suddenly. "Because I went behind your back, and made a snap decision without even telling you."
The queen stepped back, hands on her hips with a satisfied, irritated nod. "Hmph-hmph. Very good. I'm glad you recognized where exactly you were wrong." She dropped the posture, and her sympathetic smile. "But you didn't 'go behind my back.' You were worried about our friends, and acted upon that. Nothing as sneaky as you're imagining it."
"I still didn't think of you." Subaru didn't dare consider what that implied about his subconscious trust in Emilia. "Personally, I feel that's worse than lying."
"Personally, I feel that lying's worse… Hey." Emilia bent into view, looking up at Subaru sweetly. "I'm not as upset as Felix thinks. Although a part of me who's scared wants to be, ultimately, I'm glad you went through with it. I definitely wouldn't have had the strength you did back there. I couldn't even speak at the time, utterly lacking in every way when you needed me most. I could only stand and watch and…" She shook her head, eyes squeezing shut. "And I didn't even… s-say goodb'hye—! " Emilia threw her face into her hands, and Subaru his arms around her. "Sorry, m'sorry, I'm sorry…" She apologized for being herself—a girl Emilia viewed as too soft to be queen—many times before settling down.
Several heart-pounding moments later in one another's arms, Subaru mustered his devotion to Emilia's happiness. "I know what you're thinking, and no, you're not an awful friend, or a bad person."
"I-I don't know about—"
"You're a little selfish, sure. But you didn't, I dunno, bind and gag me until the battle was over. That would have been bad-selfish. That would've been a Subaru Natsuki-move right there."
"Subaru… I am bad-selfish, though. Even before we split up, I had a feeling nobody would want to leave willingly. Of that I felt , but I knew you weren't going to accept this. And that's why… with Rem… I'm the one who asked Rem to do something!" Emilia cried, too ashamed to keep her eyes open. "I couldn't even encourage them to rebel against you myself!"
"Yeah, no kidding." Subaru dropped the 'gentle husband' demeanor, Emilia wincing more from his unsoftened voice than acknowledgement of what was painfully obvious. "There's no way Rem would be so presumptuous if up against the both of us."
Rem… all she wanted was to help, serve to the full extent her body and life had to offer. If this world really did go on, was she going to forget everything Subaru wished for her, and spend the next chunk of her life nursing yet another lifelong regret?
Subaru prayed that that wouldn't be the case. He prayed that Ram kept Rem safe and on her feet, and perhaps find her a nice guy who wouldn't take advantage of her kindness.
"I'm so weak." Emilia's hands were higher than her head, bent low as she wrangled the fine fabric of Subaru's kingly sleeves. "I'm such a weak and cowardly woman."
"Mili, there's nothing wrong with being human—"
"Well, I have to be more than that, sorry to say!" Emilia's voice cracked with emotion. "Frederica was right, Subaru. She was right about so much. There's more to consider than just what we want now! And you and me? Subaru, we're not in as good of a position as you think. Understand that?" Her eyes remained as durable as amethysts and twice as brilliant. "We have far more to worry about than keeping our loved ones safe. I'm sorry. I am, I'm so sorry, but this is the truth of our situation."
"What're you saying?" Subaru knew exactly what; Emilia was so pained he could tell she was dying just by looking her in the eyes.
She took a calming breath. "I'm only asking that you think carefully tomorrow, about talking to Crusch and her knights."
She was right. She was right. She was right. Subaru had thought perhaps the exact same thoughts that she had, if not all day than after the scene in the garage.
She was right. Emilia was right.
And yet, the things she was suggesting chilled Subaru to the bone. He couldn't help himself. "Mili, are you… saying you're okay with throwing Frederica into the slaughter?"
"Please, don't look at it that way—!"
"You kidding me?!" Subaru gasped on the spot, the same time Emilia smothered hers with a hand. "S-s-sorry," he whispered, beginning to buckle. "Sorry, m'sorry, I-I didn't mean to yell…" Subaru braced himself on his knees, the comfort of Emilia's arms closing around him despite everything.
"I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I should have explained myself more clearly."
"And I should've taken a chill pill. Guess we were both the klutzes on this one." Somehow, Subaru found it in him to smile, and even more miraculously, Emilia managed one in turn. Strangely, when it came to times like these, it never felt like whiplash; it was like a product of their trust, this natural lack of judgement for being a couple of emotional, awkward idiots.
"But I'm serious about my reaction, Emilia. Take away our personal feelings one moment, and these are the facts: we have no idea what we're up against, and yet, here we are, talkin' about everyone like they're darts to be thrown at a dartboard. We're planning the best we can with what we have on short notice, but that's the bottom line."
"No." Emilia lifted her glare, trembling ever so slightly. Not with fear or anger, but sheer willpower: "No, Subaru, that's your bottom line, I'm afraid. Now, I ask that you open your heart to everyone else's: you, Subaru Natsuki, aren't saving a single person by making yourself the only one to hurt, and suffer excruciating pain."
Not you, too, Emilia. That's what Subaru wanted to cling to with all his being. But this wasn't about him, Emilia was the only one thinking about the others. She wasn't wrong, he knew it; he knew it before she said it. "What do you want from me?" he genuinely wondered. "Emilia? Please?"
"I only want you to do the right thing, and be the best Subaru that you can be." She kissed him on the cheek. "And right now, you aren't being a Subaru you can be proud of, m'sorry to say. And that's what matters most as far as I'm concerned. You're not a bad person, Subaru. But you are flawed, painfully so—that's clearer now more than ever, since I fully understand what being 'flawless' means to you in this sad, painful world of ours."
'Flawless.' It was such an unrealistic, childish ideal, and Subaru couldn't find it in himself to deny it. But still… "I just wanna do the best I can with the abilities at my disposal." Only after saying it aloud, thoughtlessly and from the heart, was Subaru fully hit by how selfish he was being. And yet, his righteousness writhed in tandem with a clipshow of his worst moments; the mountain of bodies in his mind, each with a different face from the same small group. "N-nobody should get hurt when they don't have to."
"What is this, if not a time to be hurt?" Emilia leaned closer, murmuring softly, "What were you doing in the Reading Room, if not electing to hurt us, regardless of the necessity? I'm not mad, Subaru. But I'm also not in your head, so I'm seeing things from a different view than yours."
Subaru bit back a retort that it was all Beatrice's doing, not his own; it would have been his eventually. Regardless, Subaru had been thinking of a way to tell Crusch after everything that's happened today. He didn't have the gall to deny where Emilia was getting at.
"Okay, I hear what you're saying."
"I don't think you are, I'm afraid," Emilia said firmly, watching her husband pace. "Subaru, you're too worried about how other people feel. It's as much your greatest flaw as it is mine, but—"
"But we're a king and a queen now." Subaru couldn't help his tone, and Emilia frowned, knowing this. "People have to die for us. People have to get hurt for us. People have to do their duty as much as we do, because that's what ruling is all about. Like it or not."
"Please, don't say it like that." Emilia stepped away, bangs shielding her eyes. "Don't say it like I'm some heartless monster, Subaru—"
"I'm not trying to—"
"I know you're not, but you're disturbed that I even see things this way, I can tell."
"Sorry, but that's just how I feel! That's just how my gut reacts when I think about my friends being used like tools!"
"And I'm trying to tell you that they don't see it that way! They want to help you—!"
"And once again, I find myself screaming into the void that I see it different! Death isn't just a non-ending, Emilia, it's a horrible thing that no one should have to pointlessly suffer! Not if I can help it—not if I'm the only one who understands what it's like!"
"Subaru, do you have any idea what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this nightmare?! For any of us?! Setting aside the dying and the pain and the suffering we'll feel for but a minute before it's all over—do you have any notion, even the slightest clue, as to how your friends truly feel about this?" Emilia wiped her cheeks, sniffling. "But I think there's one thing you do know, Subaru, better than anybody in history."
Something fought his hopes from getting up. "S-stop." She didn't understand, nobody did.
"You must know what it's like," said Emilia, "the agony of failing to save the ones you love, powerless to prevent their unimaginable suffering."
Like a switch, the sight of Emilia's… of her gentle, loving eyes and shaky smile, Subaru finally took in… it all began to blur, replaced swiftly with the same horrors that plagued his mind all day, driving his heart to do a shitty thing to his friends. 'I saved them, though.' Still, a pathetic, scared part of Subaru was glad he managed that much. It wasn't right—as meaningful a gesture as not being the one who killed them, which would never be the case in their minds anyway, no matter how true it was to Subaru.
"You've done so much already. More than is reasonable."
No. "Emilia…" Don't cry. You don't deserve to cry now.
"Come here, Subaru." She opened her arms, unbelievably forgiving and patient with him. Always.
"N-no." He shook his head, but couldn't outright say why. "No, I shouldn't…"
"Whyever not?"
He ignored the hurt in her voice. "Because? I'm a dense dumbass who doesn't know anything about anybody, and I don't even know what to do now to make up for it."
"It's too late now, I suppose." Beatrice didn't surprise Subaru or Emilia by appearing between them. "They must be far away and gone by now."
Subaru wanted to deny this with all her might, but time was short for preparations as is. There was no purpose, anyway, beyond soothing Subaru's guilt. God, I'm such an awful shit. To think he was doing everyone a favor, acting like a limp-wristed loser instead of a king. But… but they're going to die, horribly and pointlessly, and there's nothing I can do to stop them! Not unless I force them to. An empty, self-satisfying gesture if there ever was one. And yet, Subaru still wanted to think that it wasn't for naught.
And yet, and yet. "It's a lose-lose, huh?"
"It's time to stop thinking like that." Emilia took Subaru by one hand as Beako grasped the other in both of hers.
"You guys…"
"Betty dislikes equating Subaru to the likes of Julius, but if Emily hadn't claimed you as hers already, I'd suggest you and he as a match made in Heaven, I suppose."
"What a terrifying power couple, for a number of reasons."
Emilia managed a chuckle, however weak. "She's right, Subaru. You put an unreasonable amount of pressure on yourself because of this curse. Be like Julius, though, and take Beatrice's advice: although it's too late, it's never over if you can overcome your despair. It's like you told me today, Subaru—there's a fair difference between forgetting and moving forward. And I know you, I know you won't forget this day; as always, you'll move forward. You'll hurt and fall and carry those scars, with or without our help." Emilia fought her visible agony to smile strongly. "Just don't leave us in the dust, Subaru. The last thing any- one of us wants is for you to be hurting alone. I think I boldly speak for everyone when I say… that, right there, is a worse feeling than any death."
Emilia was right.
In every sense, even the nonsense about death being a walk in the park compared to abandonment. It was true in a way; the betrayals, Subaru remembered them more vividly, more regrettably, than the pure carnage of many a failed loop. And the reverse was true, clear as day—Emilia's heart was in the exact same place as Subaru's, by extension eliminating any further counterargument if they were all feelings Emilia had processed already, like a mature queen. Like a respectable woman, albeit in a messy way, Emilia had made her stance abundantly clear, just as Subaru had by this point. All that remained was mutual understanding, or agreeing to disagree. And this, simply put, was not so simple a matter. It just wasn't.
Emilia was right.
Subaru believed he wasn't totally wrong.
Subaru was being objectively selfish.
Emilia was also being selfish, and so were the others, though as far as Subaru could tell, that could be his ego projecting to save itself any sense of responsibility.
And yet, and yet:
I have to save them. This was the only thought that rang loud and clear, bursting in Subaru's chest. I have to save them. I will save them. I'm going to save them! It was the only thing Subaru could be certain of now; the only thing he could rely on not to give under his own two feet. Even if Emilia had a point, even if he couldn't do what he did here the next loop…
I will do everything in my power to save you all.
"Subaru…" Beatrice's sympathy snapped to pure fire as it turned on Emilia. "Do something, you're his soulmate, I sup- pose —!" Subaru had crouched and slipped his arms under the spirit's, hoisting her up into his chest.
Emilia choked on whatever she was about to say as Subaru looked her in the eyes. Hopefully she saw the effort it took to hold it all in: "I don't know… what to do," Subaru croaked, breathing deep, relishing the soothing stroke of his forearm from Beatrice. "All I know is… is that I wanna just… c-cry…" A surge flowed up to his eyeballs, one that closing his eyes could barely contain. "Just sit down, and cry, and cry… like the helpless loser that I am—"
"Then cry, for goodness' sake!" Emilia had him by the shoulders, eyes flashing wetly. "Just cry, Subaru. Cry when you're hurt, cry when you feel regrets, cry to your heart's content and until your throat is hoarse!" Emilia stepped away as Beatrice was lifted from Subaru's embrace. "Cry with us , Subaru. Let us cry for you. Help us dry each other's tears when we're done."
To that, Subaru found himself shaking his head, squirming away by only one step before realizing what he was doing. "I can't, I can't. You don't—n-neither of you would be saying this, if you knew the things I did before, all the time, to the both of you." Subaru was only partially aware of the nonsense he was saying; his entire being vied to save Emilia and Beatrice the heartache, no matter what.
"And just who gave you authority over Emily and Betty's feelings for Subaru?"
"I'm sorry, Subaru, for frustrating you so much, and always being so burdensome." Emilia's gown-draped slippers stepped into view. "But I'm also kinda not," she said lightly. "Because I don't regret any of this."
Uncertain of her reason, Subaru could only look to Emilia, ready to question her sanity—only to be met with two smiles, two pairs of eyes, barely containing emotion. Even Beatrice, even Emilia, despite all of Subaru's horrific choices in this loop.
"Why?" was all he could manage.
"Because Betty has someone, two someones, who she can cry with just as well, in fact."
Emilia said, "Because you don't regret this yourself. Through all the horror, you don't regret it. Through all the tragedy, you don't regret it. Instead, Subaru, you're glad to know us. I can tell you are. You've greeted every day with tears on your cheeks, scratches on your arms, and a big, goofy smile on your face—! " Emilia's head turned, squeaking a cry into her hand. Before Beatrice could fret, Emilia smiled back at her, blinking away tears. "You're glad to have saved us," she said, "that much is clear if nothing else. So cry, Subaru… Please… Because I don't think I can hold out for a moment longer—! "
He wrapped himself around Emilia and Beatrice without a second thought, nothing beyond Emilia's plea for Subaru to let it go, to stop pretending. Just stop being fake. To stop struggling in vain. He let himself be selfish, rather than pretend he wasn't and hurting them. At some point, they wound up on the bed, tangled in each other's arms. Emilia fell asleep in her queenly regalia.
It wasn't until this moment that Subaru was allowed to think again. As it often had in times like these, Subaru thought of nothing but all the agony his thoughtlessness had caused. Nothing Emilia said had changed anything; it just made Subaru more terrified of further failure. He could cry about it, but that would be a burden on two people more competent than he, but just as helpless in this situation.
Even right now, he realized, I can't bring myself to bother them again. After all that… Emilia would probably want a divorce if she knew what he was thinking.
Beatrice lay fast asleep on her back, grasping each of their sleeves in fists beside her head; Emilia, her face a sticky mess, was fixed by something perturbing in her dreams. They would relish the opportunity to cry again, if that's what Subaru needed. He knew this to be true, good night's rest be damned.
If that's what he needed…
Crying forever, clinging to my family, is the last thing anybody needs. Subaru thought about it, the rest of his days just sobbing with Beatrice and Emilia in his arms. But that wasn't an option. It wasn't respectable, realistic, or in any way possible, much as Emilia wanted her pretty words to be an undeniable fact.
Subaru had only one option. Always, when it came down to it. Even now, despite the fact that RBD was no longer a secret.
"Move forward," was Emilia's best advice, echoed by Subaru, who couldn't hope to heed it himself where it mattered most. That's what tonight's argument proved.
In that respect, this loop was good for something.
"You Are Irredeemably Powerless"
