Subaru felt like he was watching a movie play out before him, one he'd seen before:
"Sister…" Rem reached hesitantly, only to wince away as Garf swiped the air above their heads.
"Screw off, Ram! He's manlier than you!"
"Amazing. Clap-clap, Garf." Ram didn't even try mimicking the gesture, sipping from her tea instead. "Now spend the rest of your life wondering why I'm congratulating you."
Garfiel scoffed, meandering back to the fireplace as he muttered, "As if I need t' think t' figure out you're just bein' a bitch as usual! "
"Yet you still had to 'figure' that out. A point for Ram and her superior comebacks."
Rem waved her hands with worry. "Sister, you aren't being a—um, er… Look, we're all just a little bit on edge—"
"Not a single one of you understands how serious this is, I suppose." Beatrice, fingers lacing together, maintained a steady tone of voice. "You… simply don't understand what it is myself and the—our Elf Queen saw. What we've seen, nearly every night." Everyone's gaze lowered as she said this, glaring each of them in the eye. "Subaru's had enough of his pain, enough suffering in silence, I suppose. Not only that, but he divined this rabble worthy of knowing his scars, in fact." Small hands squeezed around Subaru's forearms—the ones that'd shattered to dust minutes ago. "There's no greater reason or motive," Beatrice said to Garf, then, to Ram, "and that makes him more courageous than any one of you." For Otto, Betty scoffed. "Pathetic trash. Betty often forgets what Subaru sees in this lot, I suppose."
"Safety and comfort." The sweet girl that had been screaming with every fiber of her being hugged Subaru's arm, gentle instead of bruising-tight, seated instead of clawing towards a childish fantasy of safety. "A place he chose to stake his flag and fight. Harder than any one of us amidst our own battles, I'm sure… Everybody knows," continued Emilia, "how hard Subaru has fought. And not once has he uttered a word of complaint, even though he's cried and bled so much for our sake."
The familiarity ended with that one word; Subaru felt himself now standing at the edge of the abyss—of uncharted territory. Before the mind could recall it, his body remembered shaking from the power of Emilia's kindness.
Subaru saw this memory clearly thanks to how utterly still he was now.
"Y-Your Grace—?" The speaker gave a soft gasp as soon as Subaru wrenched away from her, like an emotional idiot. "You were staring, a-and—"
"Sorry," jerked out of Subaru, as though his knee were struck by a doctor. Why did it have to be her? He felt bad for thinking this; as far as she was concerned, Frederica was worried and willing to serve however her king and queen asked. Even if that meant exceeding her call of duty, the bounds of her station.
Even if it meant killing them to end their suffering.
"Subaru, you're shaking," murmured Emilia, several miles away from the sight of Frederica's maidly composure breaking down with a pair of bloodied fingers. "It's okay. She won't think badly of you—Frederica is your friend, just like all of us."
"There's no need to be coy, I suppose. Betty's calculated who could be trustworthy and receptive to Subaru's needs."
He bit back a snipe about her math being way off. "Y-yeah…" Everybody cared more about what they felt Subaru needed rather than what he wanted . And for good reason, considering his behavior last time. "Thanks, Beako. For doing this."
"But of course." His spirit caressed the hands laced across her torso, featherlight. She'd exploded as though made of cheap, thin glass moments ago. "Subaru, you cannot stay silent forever, I suppose. You have to better trust the people in your life if you want to move forward."
"Sometime today, if possible, Barasu."
"You're right, Ram." And Subaru had found his escape without realizing it. "I'm not in the right mindset to do this right now."
As Ram's eyes opened slightly, the hug around Subaru's arm tightened, reminding him of Emilia's comfort. "I-it's okay. Don't worry about it. Ram is just—"
"Right! Sh-sh-sh-she's right," said Subaru. "As always! I gotta be a man about this, right? Not blubbering like a baby. You don't wanna be around for that, do ya, Ram?"
" Don't… use me as a convenient excuse to run, Barasu." She crossed her arms, nose turning upwards. "Don't mind my mood. I am but a Ram who got ushered out of sleep by a very noisy and nosy Great Spirit."
"What's that supposed to mean, I suppose?"
Beatrice's tension loosened as Subaru rubbed her head. "She's…" One last chance to turn away from this path. Subaru moved forward, charging with all his courage: "She's not wrong, Beako. Neither were you, but I can't deny it: Ram's made a pretty fair argument so far." Last reset, Ram voiced her disagreement about Beatrice's frantic approach to the situation. Subaru could only hope his approaches didn't affect her stance as he said, "You did what you thought was best, and, well, thank you for that. Beako. Seriously. This is all I've ever wanted, as sad and needy as that sounds."
"It's not sad, and it's not needy, I suppose."
"Regardless, it's not fair to the others." Everyone stiffened, donning different degrees of guilt; self-pity was to likely follow, no matter what Subaru said, but it was too late to turn back now. "You and I, Beako, we weren't thinking about how the others feel, what they'd think. I mean, you really believe that Frederica, for example, would be better off with this crap on her mind?" It was easy to say this with conviction, seeing as how the maid has taken Return by Death thus far.
That is to say, almost as poorly as Meili, but maintaining as much distance from Subaru as Beatrice did.
Frederica took a breath, only for Beatrice to snap softly, "Do not downplay your trauma as mere 'crap,' Subaru." As the mood rotted so quickly that it became suffocating, she said, "And don't dismiss—don't start dismissing the beast-maid's devotion to you and Emily as an inconvenience to her, a nuisance as part of her job description."
"Miss Beatrice—"
"Please, don't, Frederica." Her voice weakened as Frederica's stare forced Subaru's eyes to the blonde on his lap. "Subaru, it's… very disrespectful, I suppose. A slight against everything they've done to get us this far; everything they and… you… have done. Don't you think you deserve this, I suppose?"
"Betty, I-I still don't understand what's going on." Petra stood, facing Subaru—all determined and cute in her pajamas. Not in half, guts spilling out in a heap. "S-Subaru?" He was closing his eyes tight as if Petra's efforts pained him; he'd be lying if he told himself that they didn't. "It sounds like you're both speaking in code, and it's really annoying. If anything, you're not helping me feel at-ease... Why can't you just tell us, Subaru?"
Why? Subaru didn't realize he had a plan for this loop, but a part of him knew he couldn't trust what everyone would do in a world that wasn't going to be victorious; in a loop that was about information-gathering more than surviving—an unavoidable part of Return by Death. Subaru would rather keep everybody from offering themselves to the proverbial meat grinder if it could be helped.
This internalized within Subaru as he told Petra, "Sorry, I can't really explain it. Or, I can't put it into words. Still," he laughed, to the sound of total silence. "Uh, all I can say is, that, Ram's right—I gotta be a man about this." He had to put himself first and his fears behind everyone else; of hurting them, losing them. "I have to do what's right, not what's easy or convenient. That's not fair to any of you. It's short-sighted at best." There was no benefit to torturing the others with an RBD-reveal this loop. "If I don't man-up, then I'm just gonna end up making a mistake I can't take back." And that wasn't a total lie. "This's big, Petra. You're not wrong. And Beako and Emilia've already got a pretty good idea about what I wanna share with you all, but… I just… can't, right this minute. I'm getting tongue-tied and scared, and I feel like I wanna cry. It's too much. That isn't how I wanted to do this, Beako," he added, making his spirit freeze-up in his embrace. "Thank you, again, for doing this for me. All of you! I mean that. You're all wonderful friends and…" And they'd die for Subaru without a second thought—Otto would throw himself at Sekhmet and Typhon, Emilia would rather suffer dismemberment for five hours than let Subaru know how much it hurt. "And I can't do this right now," he gasped, throat closing on itself. The well of emotion that'd been filling threatened to spill from his eyes. "M'sorry. Talking about this is the last thing I wanna do right now. I can't bring myself to posture and be cool like this. That'd be fake. The exact opposite of manly," Subaru laughed, shakily, "y'know? Garf?"
But his eyes were stuck on Ram, whose lips parted then shut.
"Barasu, I don't care if—"
"Subaru—!" His body had stood on its own, ready to leave, when Emilia grabbed him by the cuff of his sleeve. Her hand sprung open with surprise. "S-Subaru," she began, calmer, "this… I respect your wishes, but… but just know, you don't have to be afraid of your friends. All of us are here for you, I promise. Our wish is to help you, however we can. That's… all I have to say."
That really was all; it was all they were capable of comprehending, collectively and clearly, with little explanation beyond the specifics. To expound and gather intel was a juggling act Subaru didn't want to endure a third time, or even a fourth. Their "wish" was precisely why Subaru had to learn more about their enemy this loop. Otherwise, the cycle of tragedy would never end.
Any other day, any other time, Subaru would say anything to help put her mind at ease. He noted to do so later, in private. Work had to get done first.
"Thanks, Mili. I know… Hey, now." Touching Emilia by the cheek startled her out of her thoughts. "I'll be ready one of these days. I promise I will. Honestly, the fact that I can even say that is more than enough to get my spirits up!" Subaru flexed his arms, drawing huffs and smiles from Petra and Otto, an understanding smirk nodded by Garfiel.
And Frederica kept on glaring from her chair with that calm disposition, one that Subaru caught in his peripherals breaking with a start as soon as he looked away. Shit, I'm being way too suspicious for her.
Subaru mentally shook his head of the thought, making sure he put on his most cheerful smile. "Man, what a waste of time this all was!" It hurt how fake he was being, well-aware that he was fooling no one. "Sorry, all. Sorry I'm such a weenie, but… I really do feel a lot better, now that I know you're all with me." Subaru found himself grinning at Rem, who managed one of her sweet little smiles in kind.
"O-of course, Subaru." Petra's hands crossed upon her chest, forming a heart. "We… w-we love you, after all!"
Subaru pointed. " That was adorable, Miss Leyte."
She giggled shyly, rubbing the back of her head to the sound of Meili's heavy exhale.
"Subaru…" Emilia couldn't meet his eyes, suddenly. It felt like a first. "Subaru, I'm sorry, but there's something I simply must ask. I promise this will be my last thought, it's just… I don't think I'd be able to focus on work if this's kept inside. I'm sorry."
Her total honesty painted a reasonable and understandable picture for Subaru. He felt no apprehension now as he asked, "What's on your mind, Mili? I don't wanna leave you guys totally hanging."
Emilia didn't react to his levity, keeping her head down. "Subaru, don't you… don't you trust us?" Subaru almost didn't catch that "us" in there. "Don't you want help with whatever it is you're going through?"
"Yes. Yes, wh-what Emily said." Beatrice had a grip on Subaru's wrists, as if her love and worry was what kept him in place. "Betty dislikes this immensely. It is unwise, I suppose. And Subaru has a bad habit of downplaying his suff— hrk! " she gagged, squeezed tight by Subaru.
"Meanwhile, Beako has a bad habit of being a know-it-all." The hurt in her gasp, hearing this, was a blow Subaru hardened his heart against. With all his heart and soul, he echoed what Crusch had said last time: "Sorry, Beatrice. Your heart's in the right place, but your mind is just not . Think on that for the next couple hours. Alright? For me?"
"...This isn't fair." Her little voice wavered, strong as possible. "You're being unfair, Subaru. I want to do as you ask, but… Betty cannot stand idly by with these thoughts now running in her head."
"Such a lack of confidence!" Subaru whispered in her ear, "Because you've done a pretty good job so far ." As expected, her back straightened, but after the suddenness of his breath against her.
"I… I don't understand, I s-suppose."
Her verbal tick seemed to disagree. "I'd tell ya to look into your heart for answers, but, for you, you only need to give it a glance, Beako. I think you'll understand why you've been such a good girl so far. You're so smart, after all." And brave. And selfless—when the chips were down, anyway.
"O-oh…" Her hands fell from Subaru's wrists, half-curled and open upon her striped lap. "I see." Beatrice, now realizing that this wasn't Subaru's first time addressing his friends, gulped. "Subaru—e-everyone, too—Betty apologizes for her emotional outburst, I suppose."
"I distinctly remember several," Otto said lightly, "thrown my way in particular, Miss Beatrice."
"Silence, Carriage Driver! Betty's judgement was merely skewed by an overwhelming instinct to protect Subaru—!"
"N-no." All eyes were on Emilia, head bent with fists balled against her lap, grinding to a halt whatever energy Otto tried to start up. "I… I can't accept this, Subaru. I want to, I want to; with all my heart, I want to, but…" Her face wrenched with such agony, voicing against Subaru's wishes.
"It's okay to be a little selfish, Mili."
She exhaled a breath in silence. Several of them. Just as softly—her eyes opening coolly, sternly—she said, "But I don't think this is right, Subaru."
He wondered if she was already putting the pieces together, like Beatrice had: "Return by Death," a simple name that carried numerous implications.
Subaru couldn't maintain eye-contact. "Emilia, without thinking: do you trust me?"
"I do," she said, nodding. "Despite my reservations, I know… deep down… you've always had the strength to stand on your own. As do I. As do we all!" Emilia's smile shone upon everyone, her sweet words warming the atmosphere, at least to Subaru. "However, we're only human. Err, partly for some, anyway. Where it counts. And as such, just as there's a limit to what we can do as individuals, there's, unfortunately, a finite amount of help that one can provide another." Her words trailed off, as though ashamed of themselves.
Subaru didn't realize he was staring until Emilia addressed him directly. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Subaru?"
Her gaze implored that he did. Subaru managed a smile that wasn't fake. "I do. And I'm happy to say that I'm not alone. I got two wagon loads of amazing people who'd follow me to the end of the world if it ever came to that." He let his smile fall, Emilia's eyes widening the longer a silence soaked. "Do you understand what I mean, when I say I don't want it to come to that, Emilia? Not for you, me, or anybody in this room?"
It took a couple tries for her to find her voice. "Yes."
Subaru felt relief wash over him enough to smile again. "Then trust me. Trust what I mean when I say… I love you." She gave a start, tinged pink with shimmering purple eyes. "I love you, and… I promise, you're gonna save me soon, just like you always have."
Emilia's lips parted, only to shut along with her eyes, a glisten lining her lashes. "Okay, Subaru." The prettiest smile joined with eyes that really sparkled like amethysts, trusting. "I believe in you."
Subaru felt elated, then ashamed—this was his gut reaction.
"If this is what you feel is best for all of us, yourself included," Emilia continued, "then I'll support you completely."
Subaru bowed deep. "Thank you, wifey."
She giggled sadly. "Silly man. Please, be careful."
"I will."
" Be careful. Don't make me regret this for the rest of my life, Mister."
"I won't! Promise!" Subaru wished he could suck that last work back in. Damn. Now I feel like garbage again.
But he pushed the feeling out of mind. There was no time to wallow. "Now, then!" Subaru clapped his hands, startling everyone out of their reverie. "We got work to do, everybody. This kingdom can't run itself, now, can it?"
He was making for the door, without Beatrice, before telling his feet to do so, only to freeze still as a soft voice called out, "Y-your Gra—! Err, S-S-Subaru…"
Garf cackled. "Whatever happened to your precious, crisis-adherein' formalities, Sis?"
Subaru loathed to turn, he loathed the groan that almost rose up; Subaru loathed the sight of Frederica, standing and blushing and being precious, as she picked at her apron with an otherwise total sense of calm.
"If…" she said, "if I did anything to offend Your—y-you, Subaru… I would like to make amends for it now! If… that's… at all possible. O-or desired!"
Subaru forced a smirk. "You didn't do anything wrong, Frederica. It's just…" He pointed at his grin. "You had somethin' on your teeth. Or I thought you did, anyway."
"Wh-wha'?!" Flustered Frederica pulled a pocket mirror out of her apron, scrutinizing it in a hurry. "But I brushed last night, and haven't eaten breakfast—!"
Garf's hands folded behind his head. "Maybe ya had a li'l splinter caught in there. Ya do any gnawin' lately, Sis?"
"Th-that—!" Frederica shot up, completely red in the face. "That is not something everybody needs reminding of, Garfiel!"
"Heh-heh-heh. Why so ashamed, Sis?"
"Hey! That was uncalled for," admonished Subaru. "I thought you two agreed to disagree when it came to your demihuman pride."
"Pride's got nothin' to do with it. S'just an observation, like how Sis's always tryna hide her bigass teeth."
"What's gotten into you, little brother?"
"Back atcha."
"Enough of this sibling bickery, I suppose." A pair of drills popped up from the sofa, where Emilia, Petra, and Meili were looking back at Subaru. "Subaru has work that needs getting done, as do you all, in fact. If you start fighting, he will stick his nose in your business, and refuse to leave until he's a part of its conclusion, I suppose." Her glower regarded him, only to switch to worry and knitted brows. "Subaru, do you need Betty?"
He nodded, still unsure of that. "I'll come get you, Beako." Receiving an affirmative nod, Subaru turned back for the door.
"S-Subaru?" If it was anybody else, even Emilia, Subaru would have considered excusing himself in a hurry.
But Rem had been the quietest one out of everybody, barring Meili's usual mood. He couldn't help but prove Beatrice right, turning over with concern. "What's wrong, Rem-Rem?"
A fist clenched as she thought seriously. Whatever battle was being waged, Rem steeled herself against it. "Subaru, I must ask, is this at all related to why…" Her composure fractured with worry. "...to why your smell… had gotten worse all of a sudden?"
One by one, everyone but Beatrice—who already was—looked at Subaru. Rem was probably throwing a Hail Mary for this therapy circle.
"...Yeah. It is, Rem." There was no getting around that, especially not with Rem. Beatrice must have noticed it right away, too.
"Then…" She stood, small and elegant from afar. "Then, would you mind it if I made a small, selfish request?"
"'Small and selfish?' Those're usually pretty easy. What's up?"
Rem smiled worriedly. "Well, when you get the chance, and if you feel comfortable doing so… would you mind… telling me… about that? I-I've been wondering about it, is all. For years, actually."
And she never brought it up before. Not ever since coming back into history, at once repelled by how much worse Subaru smelled than a year prior, when they battled the White Whale.
"Depends. Are you doing this for me, or you?"
Rem gave the smallest start before settling back into sweetness. "Both, of course."
"Thought you might say that." Subaru wished he wasn't expecting "for you" there. Now he felt like a jerk for doubting Rem. "Alright. If I'm up to it, you and I are gonna talk. After I explain myself to Emilia."
His wife nodded appreciatively the same time their maid had bowed.
"Of course," said Rem, straightening. "Pardon my forwardness, Subaru. But, similarly to Queen Emilia, my concern for you threatens to surpass my desire to respect your personal space. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but… you'd do anything to ease the worries of a dear friend. Of this, I'm equally well-aware." Guilt crumpled Rem's smile, and Subaru instinctively knew it to be genuine. "I'm sorry for manipulating your kindness, Subaru. Especially in what's clearly a trying time for you."
"I was onboard until that last part, ya know!" Subaru found it in him to smile at the sound of Rem's giggle. "Jeez, Rem. Who knew you could be such a devious schemer?"
"Oh, I'm not so clever." Rem answered bashfully.
Subaru had another bad feeling about Rem then and there: that future loops were going to be a whole lot harder on the outset thanks to the Witch's Scent.
Singing and Dancing with Tears in My Eyes
