It was just Subaru and Frederica now. Not rare, but not common either. Usually a pleasant surprise, but now…

Well, it wasn't complicated , at least: Frederica had something she wanted to say, and so did Subaru, and neither had the guts—or even the possibility of options, once you stepped into the bigger picture.

That's what Subaru assumed about her situation, anyway. To Frederica, many things were so big a deal. Not that he knew for sure, of course: Frederica never allowed herself to open up like the others had. Not to the point where he could see her for all her ugliness.

When put in such a crude, scary way, it was no surprise that Frederica never gave herself the opportunity. 'Who would want to know their maid like that?' she probably thought. 'Or a demihuman for that matter?' Those might be the things that held her back all this time.

Subaru didn't know where he was going with all this thinking; it felt like he was building himself for something. But Frederica knelt at his bedside, an apologetic smile in place.
"Subaru," she said, "now that we're alone, is there something you'd like to tell me?"

Woah. Am I drunk or is there an atmosphere all of a sudden? "N-no. No thank you," he said quickly.

Her smile lessened, but remained. "And that's quite alright." Except for the silence that followed, the lowering of her eyes, face, and finally the turning of her back.

"Sorry m'like this," said Subaru, stopping and bringing her around. "I never thought this way aroundja 'til today. I can't say why, I don't know why, I don't really know why… but please, Frederica, don't think I have anything against you. I never have."

Frederica shook her head, smiling close-lipped. "My brother's responsibility aside, you're doing nothing wrong, Your Grace. In fact, as far as drunks go, you make for much better company than Otto." Frederica giggled, covering it with a hand.

Subaru rolled his eyes, the room swirling around him. "I'll take the win, but… Still though, m'still always sorry that'm like this… Even before today."

Frederica dropped her hand, her smile. The ceiling was an easier thing to say this to.

"I'm sorry, that," Subaru squeaked, "that I'm always lying to you guys about how I feel…"

"Subaru, that's—that is not a crime ."

Murdering them because of it fucking was . "An'... an' I'm always makin' you all scared n' confused an' I—I always make you do terrible, 'orrible things fer m'he—! " And Subaru clapped his mouth shut.

"Your Grace," gasped Frederica, her worry impeding his view of the ceiling. Drunk idiot, think of the bigger picture. Only someone fucked up would want a soul as gentle as hers to know all that pain and suffering; that she killed him. The hell was wrong with him?

"It's nothing," Subaru cried on reflex, adding, "f-f-from this morning to right now, n' the last three years… m'just… upset… that m'always… me ." He took a deep breath; calm, calm. Subaru was calm as ever.

Frederica held her hands against her chest. "I don't… Your Grace, I'm afraid I can't accept your apology, despite my wanting to. Not when I don't understand what you mean. Err, apologizing for, rather."

She was trying to get him to explain his drunk self. Clever.

Subaru looked to her—whatever it was seeming to give Frederica courage: "The fact… that you're Subaru Natsuki," she said, "that you are the way you are… that's precisely what I like about you. You're far from perfect, as are we all, but your character is far and above even the average Lugnican, I dare say."

Subaru heard this, absorbed it, blinked and swallowed. All he could think to say was, "You… like me, Frederica?"

Her surprise was mild before resettling back to contentment. "Yes. I do like you, Subaru."

He wanted to die of embarrassment then and there: of-freaking-course she liked him. He never doubted that before, not really—

'Not really,' Subaru realized. But kind of.

At least, now, he figured out what he was apologizing for, something specific: "M'sorry," he thought aloud, "that'm the kinda guy, who never thinks about the future, in like any way that actually matters." Eloquent and to-the-point. Even Ram would give him a perfect score for that one. "I guess that really is the sum of it, so that'cha keep me from rambling on."

"Um, well, if that's the case…" Frederica tilted her fluffy blonde head. "I, personally, disagree with your self-assessment. While you're definitely a live-in-the-moment-type, you also give plenty of serious thought towards the future, Your Grace."

"Yis, but not when it matters. Like… jus' now! When I asked if ya liked me! An'..." Time to be upfront and honest, finally, after three long years of running: "An' when we first met," said Subaru. "When I called'jer teeth scary without thinking." Frederica's jaw slackened slightly, her lips giving way to a serrated gap. "I didn't even think they were, like, scary- scary. But I wasn't expecting such a gorgeous woman t'be packin' such an epic set o' chompers."

Her bare teeth puzzled together, then parted again. "I'm—y-you thought that I was," she mumbled, "t-truly, you th-think I'm—'ch-chompers,' Your Grace? Is that something from your world?" Frederica chirped.

Subaru didn't think it was that confusing. "It's just that, I always thought you were kinda cool, Frederica. An' I always feel like a shit-piece right after, when I start thinking back." Subaru palmed his eye, his floaty brain, bearing it all with a grin, or trying to. "Gosh, an' I'm too chicken-shit to ever man-up an' apologize to someone as great as you."

"But you just did, Subaru."

"Ex- actly! " Subaru whipped his finger in the air, only for it to crash land on his chest. " Tha's my point. Not until my ass's on th' ground 'r up against a wall, I don't ever get real 'til i's too late!"

"It's never too late to change, Subaru. To make up for lost time." It really was that simple, wasn't it?

To normal people, who weren't cursed like Subaru was?

"I thought… bein' able to share everything with everyone… it was all I ever needed," he said, fingers curling around the buttons of his shirt. "And, when you get down to it… I guess that's why m'sayin' sorry a lot now. 'Go down Memory Lane far enough, n' you'll find where it started,'" he quoted, finger waving. And… it started when my undying ass clung to Emilia's coattails. "Yeah… tha's probably the reason…"

"It's a very wise piece of advice, for those who dislike getting introspective." Frederica exhaled out her nose, gazing upon Subaru. "Might I ask who said that? It sounded like you were quoting someone."

Subaru smiled, unable to help the sight of Frederica beginning to murk, blur. "My mom." She loved him dearly. Subaru couldn't stand the thought of her and Dad, right now, three years without their boy.

"'Mothers raise the world, and fathers protect it.' That's why my own… M-Mama believed."

Cute.

Frederica's silhouette waved a white something before his face. "Here, Subaru. I made a dozen, so don't even worry about returning it."

Cute!~ She's so good. Subaru shook his head, smiling as he took the handkerchief in thanks. "You're like the team mom yourself, Frederica," said Subaru, wiping his cheeks and eyes.

"M-me?! A mother?!" Frederica choked, clearing her throat as she ran her fists down the lengthy length of her hair. "I-I suppose I do nag and scold the rest of you, and try to keep everyone of a clear mind—"
"Jeez, you're negative."

"Eh?"

Not that Subaru was one to talk. "Y'got a motherly quality, Fred. Yeah, sure, ya do all'a that— and, above all, you take care of us. Of everyone. And it comes naturally t'ya, too! It's, oh, what's that you said? Ah! 'One o' yer good qualities.'" He grinned, hoping this would make her feel a little better.

Speaking from experience, a single conversation could either change a great deal or nothing at all.

"And what of Otto, Your Grace?" Frederica was grinning unbidden, broad and toothy. "That sounds more like our Internal Affairs officer if I'm being honest."

"Oh, yeah, you're right—I guess Otto's the team mom. And you're, Frederica, yer like… everybody's big sister!" he realized with a finger-snap.

Frederica straightened up, her smile raising proudly. "I suppose that makes me feel a little more youthful. Yes! That is an assessment I do not find discomfort in." She chuckled, no longer putting her fingers before her mouth—just like before the checkpoint, for years since they first met.

"Y'know I've always wanted to ask about you guys's mom." Subaru laid the balled-up handkerchief against his chest. "F'course, I didn't—it bein' such a sens'tive topic fer Garf, an' you—er…" He meant to include Frederica, but subconsciously omitted her in the moment because, truly, he didn't know how she felt about the matter. "There I go, presumin' again."

Frederica addressed the elephant in the room for them both: "Indeed. It's a sensitive topic for Garf, seeing as how memories of Mama are few and painful for him. Meanwhile, I—we, it seems—have been maintaining a sort of… distance, I suppose, out of what's apparently a mutual fear of bringing harm to one another. So… neither of us ever had the chance to understand." A sad exhale. "How… clumsy of me, Your Grace."

That sounded like a tale as old as time by this point. Truly? With Frederica? Is that what drove her and Subaru's friendship to this point, in this room, at this precise moment? "I… guess I did always feel a little bad," he said. "About how we first met. An' not jus' that, but… my first impressions of ya, too. M'sorry, that musta really hurt'cha, the way I reacted—!" he croaked—for thinking she would collude with Elsa, for abusing her strength and sense of duty just as badly as Subaru did Garfiel's thirst for glory and battle; for all of that: "I'm sorry, I always, just—!" he gasped, clapping himself across the eyes "I always used you like a pawn , Frederica—! How can you even say that you like me?!"

"Because that's little else than what maids are for!" she cried, taking his hand in both of hers. Subaru choked on his objection, seeing tears trickling down Frederica's strong, stern face. "And I know what you're about to say, Your Grace, but… just as I respect your definition of duty—your definition of what it means to live…" she said this, one hand brushing the ribbon Beatrice tied around his sleeve, "...I ask that you please respect mine. Please." She was fighting to keep her emotions barely contained. "This isn't just a job, like Garf says," she continued, "it's a part of me. "

And who was Subaru, King Return by Death, to disrespect this familiar lack of self-worth?

This desire to live, love, serve and identify through what you could do and what you want to be, no matter how impossible it was to change who you were inside?

Like a lion pretending to be human.

All Subaru could think, suddenly, was how Garf gave her shit for being ashamed of her demihuman blood. That's how it seemed for Frederica, anyway—shame, leaving both perspectives as matters of the heart. This was extra tricky; doubly daunting to realize while drunk for the first time.

"Okie-I-will," Subaru mumbled. "Promise, Fred." Like always.

"Then," Frederica's voice drew him to her bedraggled, grinning face, "I have nothing more to say, other than 'thank you.' And you have it, Subaru, my heartfelt gratitude. I pledge myself to you and Emilia forever."

"You already have…" Subaru heard this, but barely processed it—visions of Frederica dying for him, dozens of them now, flashed Subaru by as soon as he said "promise." Perhaps Beatrice was right to coin that new strain of PTSD. Though, chances are m'gonna break this one a few more times before really fulfillin' it.

But one day, he was going to help Frederica. She was going to value herself as something greater than the title of "the queen's demihuman Head Maid." Maybe that was arrogance talking.

"I apologize," Frederica said, "for, once again, losing myself in emotion." She straightened her back, remaining knelt at the bedside. "Although I know you don't mind a break from formalities… I've always made it a point to uphold myself as an exemplary demihuman."

"You totally are, though." Subaru's mind was still on her presumed lack of value. "Th' whole capital knows'is by now!"

"Something I'm grateful for every day." But then her smile fell. "Still though… it's a constant battle. The last thing I ever want, after all… is for humans to think of us as…" Green eyes ping-ponged between Subaru and her lap, before finally Frederica breathed deep. "I don't want anybody thinking of me… as a beast… ready to emotionally explode at a moment's notice."

"Never thought this wuzza problem 'mong demihumans."

A shake of the head. "Not for the vast majority. Not even for most carnivores. Garf and I, however… we did not live normal lives. And it shows, I'm sure." Frederica lifted her human hand between them, turning it over. "We're not people, myself and my half-brother. That's one of the unavoidable truths in this world. But that doesn't mean we're animals, either."

So they were stuck in-between, alongside every other demihuman. And that was just the bedrock of Frederica Baumann, warts and all. "Can I give my opinion, even though it probably won't make you feel better?"

Frederica smirked. "What happened to making assumptions, Subaru?"

He was so half-assed. "Gah, m'such a loser—!"

"I'm teasing, Your Grace!" she laughed warmly.

"I know," Subaru lied, but not really. "But, alright… so, in my personal opinion… we're all wild animals, Frederica." She tilted her head, Subaru explaining as he rolled his hand, "M'not sayin' somethin' as insens'tive as t' stop givin' a damn, cuz… I mean, c'mon, i's how people see n' think about'cha. Why wouldn't you care?" Frederica bobbed her head, leering and listening. "But… I dunno what m'givin' here. My worthless perspective?" Subaru shrugged, already in it this deep; move forward, etc. etc. "Everybody everywhere's an animal deep down, jus' like we're all human. If you wanna example, ya need-not-look-farther than Beako—n'alotta ways, she's the most human outta all'f us. Y'know?"

"I can see what you mean."

"Hm, but I can get why you don't agree, though. Err, that it doesn't really address the issue. I mean, you've actually experienced the negative side of this kind o' human nature. In alotta ways. I'm jus' sayin' that, from what I learned livin' here, s'that people're all just slaves to their nature, whatever that is. It's up t'us t'make sure i''s all good an' not hurting no one, an' also not burn ourselves out tryna please every little ant and bystander we come across." This was going on for too long, Subaru's mouth was getting tired: "So long's the people we care about understand? Well, then I think tha's what matters most…" Subaru exhaled with the effort, his brain audibly sizzling in his skull. "Ugh, I hate being drunk." It was probably more fun when you weren't trying to be serious.

"Your Grace—err, Subaru?" asked Frederica. "To clarify, from before, it's not that I don't agree, or couldn't based on my experiences. I did, in fact, with everything you just said—something that, I must say, is particularly gladdening to still hear from you in a state such as this."

"Wait, I said somethin' like this before?"

"Generally speaking, you have." Frederica nodded. "And it's clearly wisdom you've ingrained in your soul, if it comes so naturally to you."

Now Subaru recalled—when he and Emilia had asked Frederica, as well as the twins, to head the cleaning staff of Lugnica Castle, there were… several social-based objections regarding their particular races. From each of them. It was a shockingly uphill battle.

"If you'd like to know about our mother, Subaru…" Frederica, face cloudy with nostalgia, gazed beyond Subaru's handkerchief-clenched hand. "Well, in the broadest, most all-encompassing terms possible… for better or worse, I am Frederica Baumann thanks to her. And for that, I will always treasure her. I will always exhibit the warmth she'd welcomed me into the world with… before, very quickly, departing from it." Glassy eyes lifted, followed by the curl of her small lips. "But, if you have the time and desire in the future, I would very much enjoy sharing some specifics. And, perhaps, you might be willing to tell me, too, about your own mother."

Subaru exhaled, blinking the blurriness away from his sight of Frederica. Confused as to why this was getting to him, Subaru could only think to utter, "I'd love that."

"Good." She grinned—openly and unafraid.

Subaru's throat closed on itself at the sight. "I'd love that, Frederica!" he cried, voice wavering. "Thank you for trusting me s-s'ho much!"

"Goodness, you're too affectionate sometimes, Your Grace," she giggled, delicately knuckling her eyes, one swipe each. "If anything, I should be the one thanking you for that… So, thank you. For trusting me as well."

And then, without warning or prompting from Subaru, Frederica's face deteriorated to the most hollow of thousand-yard-stares. It was that same face she made often; Subaru pondered what went on behind it.

"Um… this morning," Frederica confessed to her hands, folded in her lap, "when you… when you looked with such horrible pain in your eyes, at me… " A shake of the head. "The completely groundless—three years, groundless—worry in the back of my mind resurfaced. Just from the way you wrenched away, the thought filled my head—"

"What was it?" Subaru urged, wanting this more than anything right now.

Frederica smiled as though ready to disappoint everybody. "I merely worried, 'Did my teeth unnerve him once again?' M-mind you, you never really gave the impression that this was the case before long—!"

"'Never really,' though, huh?" Subaru sighed to himself. "Well, I guess that's what I get fer my first impression of ya being 'scary!' Heh…"

"Don't misunderstand. If anything, only a single percent of me worried over something so ridiculous. But, that look you gave, it's a sight I'm so used to that I'm always watching out for it. So, when I do see it… I, myself, presume as well…"

"Welcome to my world," said Subaru. "Except instead o' racism, my shit brain's always on alert fer a potential trust issue." He was so messed up—and after seeing the others die countless times on his behalf, too. Though, that also felt like part of the problem…

"We are all products of our environment, Subaru."

"Still, though. Muh fake attitude likely didn't help none. 'Specially when I couldn't come up with a good lie quick enough. Like, all day."

"Please don't burden yourself with responsibility for my emotions, Your Grace. It's… a weakness of mine, these anxieties. But they weren't born of offense, truly. Above all else, I was primarily worried that I, somehow, incited the discomfort that urged you to retreat into your shell."

She was so much like Subaru that it was almost uncomfortable, like he was listening to himself, all anxious over how others felt about him. "Frederica," he breathed, "look, I get you have ins'curities about'cher appearance… but'cher teeth? Ya think those're scarier than a Sin Archbishop, fer goodness' sakes?"

"Oh, dear me: I gave false impressions out of cowardice, once again," she sighed. "Subaru, I'm sorry, it wasn't about my teeth specifically."

"Then… what else made'ja so… 'Frederica' all day?"

"It was more just…" Her eyes met his, a frown in place. "Hmm. I'm trying to come up with a more compelling justification than simply just… 'thoughts.'"

"'Thoughts?'"

"Thoughts that I wondered, thoughts like, 'Why am I here?'" She dropped her face. "'Does His Grace consider me so close a confidant?' And, 'What does he see in me? In my performance? My personality? My… face?' And also, most importantly… 'What have I done, to receive the honor of knowing the pain kept hidden in his heart?'"

Ah. So that was the "real" reason. The others were factors, but that sounded like as major a driving force as Subaru's desire to save everyone's souls, as well as bodies.
"It was all… so very self-aggrandizing and self-congratulatory. Selfish, if I'm being honest with myself," Frederica continued lightly, blushing comparatively hard. "In retrospect, I was so self-absorbed in my composure and quality of friendship that I… failed to realize my focus should've been on you from the start. It is in my opinion, then, that I deserved to have my anxieties spiral out of control, as punishment for failing to be the Head Maid Emilia and you entrusted myself to be."

"I was a fool, Your Grace. Simply put, that's what happened. An insecure child, that is Head Maid Frederica Baumann. Though, in my defense," she added lightly, "I had no idea you thought so highly of me until tonight! Maid I might be, I don't think there's a lady alive who doesn't appreciate a compliment every now and then." She waved in play, cupping her reddened cheek with the other. "I believe your words have helped me a great deal, Subaru. Thank you."

He didn't need that "beauty" exchange between her and Petra earlier to understand how much a compliment meant to Frederica. "Jus' don't tell Beako about what was said in this room. She'll get jelly ."

Frederica pledged with her heart, "It shall be our precious secret." And she smiled what had to be the most warm, devout smile Subaru had seen since coming to this world.

"See? Now yer a maid, Frederica! The twins n' Petra're too clumsy n' silly to fit the image, but you?" He opened his hand four times, saying, "Ten outta freakin' ten, Bis Sis!"

"Now I know you're just flattering me, Your Grace," she tittered.

"Nooooo!" Subaru pouted. "No. I'm legit right now. One-hundred-percent honest, for once, ha," he said with utter seriousness. "Emilia and I couldn't have asked for a better friend. Or maid, for that matter."

"I… I see." Frederica's eyes widened before squeezing shut with a laugh. "You're fearless in the sweetest ways, Your Grace. Not many nobles, let alone kings, would entertain the idea of considering a demihuman attractive, not to mention a friend."

Subaru breathed, ready to deny that he appraised her so much out of loyalty to Emilia—only to realize he casually called Frederica pretty more times tonight than he had the last three years. "Why?" he cracked. "Just 'cuz you got parts different from ours? I think different is cool! In fact, that's one of my favorite things about our little group! We're like a bin of assorted Legos!"

"Of 'Let Goes?' Hm, I suppose we're all outcasts in some shape or form—"

"No, no! Thassa horrible thing t' take pride in! I mean that we're Legos! Legos!"

"And… what are 'laygoes,' Subaru?"

Realizing where he'd seriously taken this serious conversation, Subaru once again slapped himself upon the eyes. "Forget about it. It's a stupid reference to my world, again."

"I quite like those, Your Grace. It's always interesting to hear about where you came from. And I know Garf agrees, and so does Petra, Rem, and Ram, too."

"Wait, Ram finds that stuff interestin'? I don't believe it."

"It's a mild interest, but yes. You can ask her yourself if you'd like to know the truth."

"Tch! As if asking Ram for anything would get me somethin', let alone the truth."

"Perhaps… this can be a new start for all of us."

"Huh?" Subaru found Frederica watching her large hands splayed out against the bed.

"I'm saying," she thought aloud, "maybe we don't have to be like this for another day—all of us, ashamed of ourselves and afraid of each other. Lying to both consciously or not…" She looked Subaru in the eyes, and his soul, it felt like. "Perhaps, Subaru, today is the day we decide to start being open and honest with each other. So, that way, we can all finally grow up and learn to love ourselves, just as much as we love one another. Personally, selfishly, I think that's a marvelous idea."

Subaru wanted to cry.

No, he wanted to bawl—right then and there in Frederica's arms.

If only he could.

If only, if only, if only.

Two loops ago, this conversation probably would've changed my whole fucking world. Hell, I might actually've fallen in love with Frederica for it, just like I did Rem.

But that was two loops ago, before a wave of death and destruction came barreling forth in a blast from the past—the Witches of Sin, and Subaru's anxiety, cowardice, and pride a good portion of it as well.

There was no way he could do Frederica proud right now.

"I'm… I'm sorry," he croaked.

"N-no, no, I was out of line! You don't have to get swept up in my emotions, too—!"

"JUS'TOP!" Stop. Stop blaming yourself, stop taking responsibility for how I feel, you didn't do anything, you did nothing wrong, none of you, you never did anything wrong to me, it was always me, I was always the one fucking it up for us—"Your Grace, I apologize for my insensitivity. Please, forget the idea. I was being silly."

"You weren't, though!" Subaru cried, palming himself in the chest. "I love your idea, I really do! But—! But, I also know—I know how you are, I know how s-strong an' loving an' caring you can be, and—a-and I wanna make you happy and not hate me'r think I hate you, but—!"

"But nothing, Subaru." A big hand smoothed the trembles in one of his shoulders, the weight a comfort. "That insensitive idea was borne of what'll make me most happy, and what that is, is making you and Emilia happy, however I can. But if that means leaving you to… to do what you think is best," she said, straining her smile, "to shoulder your pain alone, Your Grace, why… I can do no more than hope it's the right choice. Ha'h… what a complacent maid I am. And after you heaped me with such praise—"

"Y-you're wrong!" Frederica gave a start, as though shocked Subaru could so arrogantly deny her self-assessment. "You dunno how strong yer really are, Frederica..." She could do what Subaru couldn't—end Emilia's suffering, despite the act destroying every fiber of her being. "Why, I believe you'd be willing to disobey orders if it went against what'choo thought was right. Tha's another one of your qualities Emilia n' I really like!"

A pause later filled with Frederica exhaling a laugh, a sigh, and a feeble sob all at once. "I suppose I am that useless kind of a maid," she said. "Yes. You're right, Subaru—you see people for who they are, even when they're too drunk on themselves and you yourself are drunk on liquor."

She was being too kind. "It's nothing like that. I'm not tryna psychoanalyze ya here. This's who you are, and it's a good thing! I never liked you because you work like a robot—err, golem."

"Of course… of course," she breathed. She smiled a smile that vanished equally quick. "Um, don't rush into it, Your Grace, but I've a bit of a selfish question I would like to ask—"

"Ask away. Selfish questions're my faves."

"Be that as it may… you don't have to answer, if you don't want to."

Jokey time was over. Subaru sat up, hand on his knee—the other was lonely; part of him was looking forward to the reset so he could go back to two-handed. "Ask away." She seemed to be waiting for his go.

Frederica laid her hands in her lap, gazing hard upon them. Not blank-faced—her brows were knitted, contentrating. "I suppose this will have to be as blunt as it is when it crosses my mind. There's simply no point in beating around the bush."

"And that is?"

"Please, be honest, Subaru." And then she looked him in the eye, and wondered aloud, "How far do you trust me?"

"Huh?"

"I would like to know how you regard our relationship, if only so that I could have some peace of mind."

Subaru was one-hundred percent reading this wrong, but it was a concern he'd never get out of his head if he didn't ask now: "D-do you think I'm… that I'm in love? With you?"

Frederica gave a slight start before resettling into calm. "No. I'm not the type to act on presumptions, Subaru. I prefer to know myself, which is why I… simply want to understand more. Where we stand as friends and coworkers."

"Have… these thoughts been recent, Frederica? As in, a day old?"

"In a sense."

Since before the checkpoint? If not, if it was special to this loop, why? Was it really borne from Subaru's behavior, or did it go deeper? She's willing to kill Emilia and I for our sakes, but the thought of even disobeying us is unthinkable. "I trust you… with everything, Frederica: Emilia, th' staff, th' others, my life. Jus' not… the thing I can't tell you, fer now."

"I see." And she was trying her best to once again not appear so disappointed.

So where do you think we stand, Fred? "So howsabout you? Why're you so invested in me?"

"Like, you are who you are: Frederica Baumann, maid extraordinaire. But, yer also the type… who'd definitely bring herself to, less say… put Emilia and I… outta our miseries, if we were beyond saving." To her falling face, Subaru explained, "You'd do that yourself without flinching if it came down to it, I know you would. You're just that selfless n' good of a maid, while me … well, you know the story. At least a little, and that I still get nightmares about the friends who've suffered because of me." Emilia twisted apart; Beatrice shattered to pieces. "I'mma bonafide fuck-up in human form."

"You're only human, Your Grace."

"And you're the most incredible maid in Lugnica, and more than yer damn job, like Garf says! Yer a beauty among demihumans, an' one of the greatest people I've ever met!" She'd saved him and Emilia, replacing their fates with her own—no one else would do something like that. Nobody. "So why the hell are you wasting and staking everything you have on a cowardly shit like me, huh?!" Subaru cried.

He'd cried. Shit.

"Um—!" Subaru choked as Frederica's wide eyes stooped into a glower.

"'Cowardly,' you say?" Her answer was like a winter wind—cold and swift. "'Shit.' Is that it? Is that four-letter word truly the divide between yourself and the people who love you? Oh, Your Grace… Your Grace, Your Grace." Fingers rubbed her brow.

It was the threat lacing her tone that threw him for a loop. "F-Frederica?"

She stood tall with little sound but the settling of her nightgown. Frederica gazed down upon Subaru, hands folding on her stomach as she turned, made across the room, face to the ceiling. "Let me tell you what true cowardice is, Your Grace. Cowardice… is being startled by an anomaly in the status quo, but instead of investigating it, it's attacked and shunned for disrupting the norm."

"Frederica…" Her point was already clear, but it wasn't even close to Subaru's—she didn't even know Return by Death was a thing, they were in two separate worlds now. She wasn't going to understand if he couldn't explain. "Please, don't. It's alright—"

"I will not." The Head Maid firmly shut down her king, a darling smile thrown his way. "Your Grace." She turned fully. "To be a coward, Subaru, is confusing what's normal with what's natural, and perceiving any deviation a threat to order itself."

"No, Frederica—I-I get what you're saying, I really do! But you don't…. understand—"

" What don't I understand?" Frederica stormed until she was directly in front of Subaru, all but towering above him—body twisted aside so her frown could bear its full weight. "Subaru? What don't I understand about the cowardice I've known for twenty-five long, lonely years?"

"You don't understand…" Nails all but bit into Subaru's palm as he shielded his gaze from Frederica's righteous sympathy. "You just don't understand… who I really am . Y'say these things, all of you, like you know-well the things I've done to my old friends—and it's because of me. We're fighting right now… because of that, because I never helped you… understand ." He said it, and Subaru couldn't look her in the eye as he said this, or what came next: "I never allowed you… to understand… who I really am, Frederica. N-not even Rem, Beatrice… and in a few ways, even Emilia… none of them know how… how horrendous of a person I really am!"

And Subaru was just saying all this to Frederica. He breathed to apologize—

"I understand ," she said, "that you're not a coward, my King Subaru." Subaru was shocked into silence: both to hear that, and to find tears atop her smiling face. "You're not a coward when it matters most, anyway. I still believe that, even after what we've shared thus far."

He wrenched away from Frederica's ignorant kindness. "The fact that I can easily refute that, it kinda says you're speaking outta term here."

"Are you saying I have no idea what matters to me and what doesn't?"

"N-no! That's not what I—! Crap, is that the impression I gave?!"

Frederica chuckled. "There you go again," she said, softly as though to herself.

"Presumin'?"

"N-no. Well, yes, but moreover, you have a knack for easing one's worries in virtually any situation, Subaru. I cherish this quality of yours in particular, I'll have you know."

"Pfft. Please, it's not that big a deal."

"And again, there you go—you also have a knack for being fairly arrogant, Your Grace."

Subaru gulped, shrinking into his shoulders. "S-sorry."

Frederica smiled, giving a hum. "The things you think lightly of, Subaru? Your lack of judgment, your acceptance of others, your open-mindedness, your empathy, your generosity… Both you and Emilia, the fact the two of you are so alike at your cores, not to mention together, wanting to make Lugnica a home for anomalies like me, it's—!" A single sob burst forth, Frederica smiled through the rest, her tears—the sobs trying to burst forth. "My King Subaru Natsuki, you wish to know why I'm so devout?" A hand fell upon her heart, her gaze hooded; ruddy cheeks slick. "All things considered, how could someone like me not swear fealty to Emilia and yourself? Walking such a path, living such a life… these are things, honors, which make me most happy, indeed. And I suppose that's my answer, Your Grace!" she tittered.

That was it, Subaru realized then and there—it was as simple as that. From making Beatrice a priority in the first loop, to bringing the others back home for a ride-or-die rescue… to now… to always: Frederica, staking every life, every time, in ensuring Emilia and Subaru's characters had a chance to touch everyone's lives like they did hers.

That was it: the simple, purest, most Frederica-reason possible for dying so much.

It was all because of Subaru.

"I… I'm sorry," he gasped.

Frederica started. "S-Subaru?"

He made her kill him and Emilia, all because he was too cowardly and stupid to come up with a better, braver plan for the end than his own maid. He still couldn't; not now, when the tears wouldn't stop—but that was his fault, too. He couldn't control anything, only affect. Last loop made that clear: turning a blind eye to their characters, in the hopes that he didn't have to get his hands dirty by hurting them? All that did was drag someone as sweet as Frederica into such a hellish finale the last loop.

…He hurt her anyway, in the most heartbreaking way possible for someone like Frederica Baumann.

It was pathetic.

And with this, Subaru remembered why he didn't want to be honest in the first place. "I'm sorry." It was shameful. "I'm sorry." Frederica deserved better than this, better than a king who needed a hug and a cry from his Head Maid.

"You have nothing to apologize for," she stressed, caressing his forehead. "You've only given me a life to love and cherish. There's nothing unforgivable about that in the slightest. It's a wonderful thing, a thing gifted to me by my queen and king."

"No, Frederica, you don't—! You don't know, but—! I've hurt you! An' done something horrible! An' unforgivable! A-and I made you—!"

Frederica yanked Subaru upright, embracing him into her all-encompassing form. "And I'll be the judge of that, Your Grace, thank you very much." Frederica's chin brushed his hair as she nodded firmly, steadying the back of his head. "I may be your servant, but I'm my own person all the same. I might not like it, but I have thoughts and feelings of my own. And, well, if at the heart of it all, this is what makes me an unacceptable maid… then… I shall embrace that. If accepting your sins means compromising on my devotion to this House, then… ough!" she growled. "Then, I don't care about being a maid! There, I said it!" A beat later, she pushed him away. "O-of course," she tittered, "this is all just hypothetical, Your Grace! But if it ever comes down to us or my job, you can guarantee I'll be there of my own accord. So you've no cause to feel responsible for my actions!"

And then her smile died—because of Subaru's utter lack of one. He couldn't, even with Frederica being to-die-for-cute just now: she all but admitted that she would do anything for her House, even if it conflicted with her all-important job.

"Let's pretend it's not. Hypothetical."

"Wh-what do you mean? How so?"

"Le's pretend that you actually did this once," said Subaru. "Le's say I can go back to a certain checkpoint. Pretend I had a choice I was too afraid to make, an' I subconscious-hid behind'ja to make it for me. Th' choice's the last thing y' eeever wanted to do—the kinda thing that'd haunt'cha for the rest of your life. Le's say, a part o' me knew it would come to this, but I left it to you all the same. Now, how can you forgive me for that, Frederica? Huh? How the hell could you ever overlook the things I've done to you all?!"

Where…?

Where the fuck was this anger coming from?

Frederica, she was just trying to be nice .

"Your Grace, I… I would f-first ask… why would you assume we'd overlook such horrible things?"

That had to be the most insane thing Subaru had heard in the last three loops—they've done nothing but that! "Because it can't be helped, of course! Because you guys aren't the type of people to hold an impossible choice against somebody! But that's exactly my fucking problem here! You guys just don't understand how horrible it is, to know the real, horrible pain I made you go through because of my choices! It kills me! It absolutely destroys me when I think about it!" he sobbed.

"So why," Frederica seethed, "in the name of Lugnica, would we overlook the pain you go through for all of US?! "

" Because it doesn't matter either! "

"Yo-Your Grace," she shushed, "quiet d—"

"I don't have a choice but to accept it all! Everything! All of it! The pain , the horseshit , my horseshit and yours all of yours, God-fucking-dammit! It's all over if I let the little shit get to me! An' you guys won't ever understand what that's like, SO WHY EVEN BOTHER GIVIN' A FUCK?! "

"That's… impossible to manage," she gasped. Frederica was finally looked at again: trembling, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Subaru, Your Grace—! Our sins, whatever they are—if we're hurting you without realizing it, then you have to let us know! It's your duty as a friend to ensure our relationships with you aren't imbalanced!"

"M-my duty?"

Frederica winced, believing she had thoughtlessly overstepped herself, but shook her head as though pressing on. "Think of it less as a duty, and more your… your true desire, if I may be so bold, Subaru! You're correct, though: I may not know the dark depths that lie in your heart. I can't even say I do for Petra, though, or Garfiel. But I do know each of you, and I know this above all else: we love each other. And deep down, you'd rather ensure we're happy, even if it's at the cost of your own comfort. Am I wrong, Your Grace? Are you actually more selfish and greedy than I thought?"

So everyone would ultimately be happier if they faced the pain and got through it together. "S'not fair when you put it that-a way." Subaru had already understood this going into it: the Witches of Sin were the issue there.

"Truthfully, you mean?"

"N-no! Ignorancely!" The word just tore out of Subaru—he didn't even think of it, and it struck Frederica like the most precise of slaps, stunning her.

"I'm starting to understand, I think," she said. "Subaru? …Is this what makes you scratch yourself bloody in your sleep? The pain you might feel out of the pain you'd cause us?"

Subaru loved how openly worrisome Emilia was—loved as much as hated. "What I do to myself is my business—"

"And you expect us to be okay if we're putting you through so much suffering?!" The audacity of his conviction made Frederica go aghast. "With all due respect, Your Grace, if we're in part to blame for that, it ceases to be solely your issue!"

"The hell do ya think yer talkin' about?!" She was speaking as if it was so simple. But she was only trying to help; they were all just trying to help him. Because they thought Subaru was worth it, and he wasn't. He really wasn't as great as they thought. "You wouldn't be saying that if you knew half of what I've done—!"

"Then share a bit and confirm your suspicions, spirits damn you!" Frederica… cried. She hunched over, gasping into clasped fists—not weeping, not like "emotional Frederica;" just outright sobbing: "Your Grace… Su-Subaru, please!" she gasped. "It hurts—s-so much! My heart is breaking… knowing, deep down, that I hurt you!"

"Y-you don't! You neve—"

"Knowin' I scare you," echoed in her hands. "Somehow, someway worse than my teeth ever could, that you're terrified of me for reasons I cannot control—"

"Wouldja get outta your head?! Ya don't!"

"I can tell I do!" she cried, collapsing on her elbows upon the bed, gasping damply the whole way down. "I know I do… even if you don't realize it, I know well how it feels to be looked at as something to be naturally feared."

The weight of this responsibility crushed its full weight on Subaru's shoulders; what he'd done this morning, when they first met, all of it. "H-hey, listen," he said. "Listen, m'really not afraid of you because of your appearance. I don't know how else I can stress that, Fred, at least n'this state—"

"I know. I know that, but—but you're scared of me nonetheless." She wiped her eyes as Subaru kicked himself for suggesting he feared Frederica at all. "Even before this moning, Subaru… you would look not only to me, but everyone, with these… occasionally—!" A small shake of the head. "With these sad, pain-filled eyes, Your Grace!" she cried. "I have no idea what'd happened in your heart this morning; what you felt that made Lady Beatrice want to bring everyone together this morning, but I know that we had something to do with it! I just know it! Because… because what else could it be that you're unable to share with us, after everything that's happened and we've been through together?"

"Frederica…"

"What else could it be, Subaru, but some fault of ours that's pushed you away?" Subaru was speechless; Frederica pondered, "But… you were fine in the bath—W-was it Ram's joke, then, Subaru? That made you feel as if you couldn't open up?"

"Frederica… What if I can never talk to you about this? Or anyone?" asked Subaru. "Wouldja still think so highly of me then? Or if I really told you about how messed-up I am? Wouldja still wanna spend the rest of your life, serving a king as weak as that?"

"If something you've done kills us in the process, then I can only pray that your next friends don't meet a similar end." Subaru let out a breath that ended in a shallow sob.

"Th-that's not what I… asked—"

"But it's what I think you need to hear," said Frederica, strong as her voice wavered, tears clinging to her cheeks. "I would follow you and Emilia, my King Subaru, even if you never spoke a word of your suffering to anyone. Even if you made some horrible mistake I couldn't prevent with what meager ability I have. But I will, all the same, wish you the best of luck, and your eternal happiness. Because you, Subaru, you're a sort this world is severely lacking in, you and Emilia," she croaked, a hand on her heart. "So, with a heavy heart, I hope that you are able to move on in full: for the pain of our loss to not obscure your vision, and let you repeat the same mistakes with the next blessed souls to cross your path."

A big hand laid on top of Subaru's head as he gasped, smoothing out his curls. "F-Frederica, y-you don't know what'cher saying—"

"I don't and I do. You're many things, Your Grace, but not someone who deserves to look so regretful right now. Not after all the good you've done." Frederica was smiling her warm, loving smile, however damp now. "You have a rare heart, I think—a big one, one with the capacity to embrace many others. But, on the other side of the sword… you feel greatly because of it, joy and pain both. I've witnessed many times over the years, where negative emotions and anxiety appear to cloud your judgment—not only of others, but for yourself, your self-respect. I-if I may be so frank… it makes it hard for me to imagine my anger in a scenario as bad as the one you've pitched, because of this. Because if it were ever true, if such a reality ever came to pass? Why, there's no way I could ever believe you intended for us to get hurt in the first place. Any of us. After all… though Emilia sits above all else, we ourselves are the things that matter most to you in this world, no? And," she added, exhaling with a smile, "if, in the off-chance, it came down to us or Her Grace, well… I would probably hate you if you chose anything other than that darling girl."

For some reason, of all things, Subaru remembered Roswaal—how in Sanctuary and beyond, he warned Subaru of the pain his greed would cause him; how anything more than Emilia would be too much to bear. There were many times when Subaru thought he was right, and regretted ever believing he knew better than a man unsettlingly similar to himself.

It was a stupid thought: that Frederica ought to hate Subaru. Even if she knew better, she surely wouldn't feel that way. But there was the other side to it, Frederica's deeper feelings that even Emilia couldn't just ignore. Like resentment, for all the pain Subaru had put everyone through, rather than spare Emilia all of it by manning up and not repeating the same mistakes, countless times, almost every time it was Hell on Lugnica.

Right?

Frederica hated Subaru, right? Or, she would, right?

Is that what the point of this was—is this what he had to shoulder forever, trust that and not Frederica's painfully-predictable denials?

To keep lying, even after the Witches were beaten?

"Your Grace?" She looked to Subaru: soft green eyes, soft confused face, teeth that could rend flesh like it were fruit…

"Everything I said was true." Subaru ought to stop it.

"H-huh?" Frederica's face twitched. "W-whatever do you mean?"

"Everything I said up to this point." Subaru tried his best to smile relaxedly. "I can Return by Death, Frederica—ask Garf, Emilia, Petra, Beako 'r even Meili. I've been cursed with the inability to die ever since I came into this world."

"Ah—!" Frederica shot up to her feet, hands in her hair.

Gazing with such horror, such pain-filled eyes.

He was already regretting this. What the hell possessed Subaru to say that? "Tch, I really hate myself."

"Wh-wha'?" Her hands fell, curling towards him in objection. "H-hold on—"

"You wanted to know so badly, didn't you?! What the fuck is going on in my head?!" Frederica went maidly-stiff. There was no turning back now. Truly—there was no way he could play that admission off with this atmosphere. "I really didn't wanna tell you."

"Because you know how soft my heart is?"

Subaru winced from her accuracy. "Yeah."

Frederica winced. "I… suppose I caused you a lot of—"

"Why's all'a yer first instincts is to assume that?" Subaru scoffed as she gazed, speechless once more. "You, Frederica, you've been just fine—"

"I killed you this morning… from your perspective… didn't I?"

She always startled with her sharpness. "You saved me, actually. S-specifically," he added, avoiding her wide, welling eyes.

"How?" Frederica croaked. "How is spilling your blood and causing you fatal harm in any way salvation?!" And then she gave a start, eyes huge. "Unless," she said, "unless… dying was the only thing left you could've done, to… to save us from… something." A hand rose to cover her mouth. "To save us as… as you always have ."

"Frederica—" Her gaze snapped on him, so lost and so starved at once. "Frederica…" Subaru didn't know what else to say. What else he could do in this situation besides dig his hole deeper; dig it deeper, or… "Thank you." Frederica's lips parted, her eyes leaking on the spot. Subaru held his own back as best he could, speaking through the tears: "Thank you fer savin' Mili. Thank you... fer savin' me . There's nothin' I could ever do t' repay you—!"

"Y-Your Grace—"

"Nothin' that I can do," he cried, "if you wanna hate me fer what I did t' ya—!"

"And what in the world have you done to warrant me hating you?!"

"Everything, ya moron! I got'choo killed by Elsa, killed by Meili, killed by Archbishops and Witch Cultists and Witches and fucking fuckers and—!" And Subaru Natsuki took a breath, and screamed—a scream swiftly smothered by Frederica's hug, her cry of, "My king! Please, calm down!"

"I hate myself." He could only die and start again. "I can't believe I still hate myself!" Subaru wailed, his one-armed loser self hugging back. "I can't believe I'm still like this." They made themselves targets because of Subaru, who'd done so on their behalf an unspeakable amount of times. "I'm such a half-assed piece of shit! Why?! Why can't I just man-up and be more honest with you guys, dammit?!" This was always the case, even when death wasn't hanging over their heads. "Why do I have to be so scared of you guys all the time?! God! Damn it all, I hate this shit! I hate my fucking life sometimes—!"

"I—!" Frederica shouted, then murmured, "I love you, though. I love you with all my heart, Subaru."

Everything—thoughts and the emotion burning in Subaru's heart—ground to a halt. When he tried to pull away, Frederica laid Subaru's cheek against her heart. "Wh-what do you mean?" were his first thoughts, and then, "No you don't." Denial.

No way.

There was no way she meant that in the way a guy like him would first presume: hope, like trash who wasn't married. "I hate myself." Subaru was awful in every way.

"That's the man I admire, treasure, and love who you're talking bad about. I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak of him that way."

"Wh-what the—? Why—? Wh-where's this even coming from?"

"Oh, if only I knew," she sighed fondly—-in spite of the bombs she just learned. "Was it your acceptance of others? Your lack of judgment? The way you wholeheartedly devoted yourself to the woman I once pitied as a lost little girl?" Frederica pushed him by the shoulders, shaking her head, trying to smile with a face sticky of tears. "I suppose you could say it's coming from you, Your Grace, and the hero you've always been!" And then she gasped, long and loud, hands flying to her mouth. "My word, it just occurred to me, what this all says about your heroism! To never run from all the horrors that have befallen our camp—!"

"No." She was seeing him in a good light only, not thinking about the bad. "No, m'sorry, but this isn't right."

"Subaru?"

"You shouldn't feel this way about me, Frederica! I'm married dammit!" Wow, and that wasn't even his real point.

But Frederica suppressed a laugh. "Your Grace, don't be so worried! I never held any delusions of making you mine, goodness no! To serve you, to be in your life… it is more than I could've hoped for before you came into our lives."

"No! This isn't right! You only feel this way about me because of Return by Death!"

"H-huh?!"

"Everything you like about me, everything you think is admirable and good? It's only a side effect of not being able to do anything but friggin' live! "

"No, you're wrong—!"

"Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me how my own power works?!" And Frederica stumbled a step back, composure in pieces; that was out of line, and a large part of it wasn't remotely accurate. Or something. Subaru didn't know. Not about how his friends feel regarding this, not even about how his friend of three years felt about him the whole time.

Did she feel this way because she thought he loved her?

Well, he did—but not like that! Just like with Rem, and… Beatrice…

It really was Subaru's fault, wasn't it? "M'sorry."

Frederica exhaled sadly. "Your Grace, I didn't confess to you in hopes of gaining something in the future. I did it to prove that even someone as low as myself can get close enough to love the man you are. To know him, scars and warts and all. Despite your power, despite the things you think you've done—"

"What I 'think' I've done—?!"

"Despite all of that, the fact is… you love us. And we love you. My confession was nothing serious, and nothing at all earth-shattering. Your maid, Frederica Baumann…" she took a breath, "...will do her utmost to serve her king and queen, no matter what. Because if nothing else…"

No. He knew what was coming.

"...you would do the same for me, clear as day."

"NO!" Subaru Natsuki croaked, growing louder, "No, no, no, NO, NO! "

"Your Grace? Subaru! Whatever is the matter?!"

"Frederica!" he cried, wailing, covering his face from the sight of her. "I'm sorry you wanna throw your life away on some piece o' garbage like me! Because o' me, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I never thought've how you guys musta felt! I fucked around and dragged y'all down with me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

The Head Maid of Lugnica Castle

Now it was clear why Beatrice cast a smothering charm on their walls. It wasn't to keep her crooning over the hair-brushing private, but rather, to keep whatever was going on between Subaru and Frederica private.

Emilia's breath was still as she took Subaru in her arms, like a baby. She cradled her precious, poor man—his face dry, but puffy and hollow. Poor guy was exhausted at the very least.

And… one-armed, at most. Hopefully.

She looked Frederica in the eye, who couldn't manage the same. "Frederica, what's wrong?" It was unlike her.

Beatrice came scampering up from behind as the Head Maid took a breath. "Nothing, Your Grace, I just…" Frederica's eyes squeezed shut, then lifted to gaze miserable at Emilia. "I had said something to the king that… I'd hoped wasn't selfish, hoped with all my heart would uplift his, but… but…" She bit her lip.

"I'm not upset." Emilia smiled easily, because the Head Maid was a sweet girl just trying to help their beloved Subaru. That was the bottom line, that's what mattered. "Please, Frederica?"

"But instead," she continued, "I believe I said… the very last thing Subaru had ever wished to hear."

And then, Frederica Baumann wailed, long and heartbroken, into her hands.

Emilia, of course, comforted her in her room while Beatrice took care of Subaru.