There are two tracks I have for this chapter if you like to have my recommendations. As usual, the point where they should play is bolded black.
The tracks are this:
Wish of the Stars: watch?v=DEgnvRH-rks
Call of the Witch: watch?v=6sCPw60zzjQ
"Why…?" Frederica said, sobbing dryly. "Why did I do that—AH?!" A snap like the breaking of a twig bundle—her blood-caked arm now bent at the elbow, spurting once before Minerva's fist restored it to a solid, crimson shape the opposite angle. It did little to lessen the frantic breathlessness of Frederica's renewed cries. "Kill me, Your Grace," she croaked, gowned head to toe in her own fluids and nothing else. "Please, please, kill me!"
Subaru was nearby, a hole in his head and a smile on his face, lounging in a hot tub with the others, save Emilia. She was still headless nearby, albeit with a smile that could only be described as content. "It's fine," she said in Satella's tenor, "it's all for our sakes."
No.
Please.
I just want to breathe easily, for one second.
That's all.
That's it.
That's the only reason I wanted to tell them.
That's the only reason I wanted to tell you, Frederica.
She roared a scream, screamed a roar, bellowing as her arms and legs twisted off as once in four bursts of blood. "Why would you want this for us, WHY?!"
Subaru screamed, gripping the stump Daphne took in his desperation to prove he still gave a damn; an illogical act. Evidence to himself. Evidence for what he already knew to be true…
I give a damn about their feelings.
Right? Yes, of course.
So, I can still do this, right?
I can keep going?
I can keep trying?
"This is all still worth it… right?" Something broke in his chest, a shatter rolling out into the surrounding darkness. "Yes!" she wept, whispering to himself. "It's worth it, it's worth it, it's always worth it, always—"
"Subaru."
"Al—ah? AH!" Subaru flung upright into a world of light and color; the world of his bedchamber, and behind him? "Em-milia!" A beautiful young woman sat where he lay, gowned, bare legs crossed, her smile… gentle, actually. "Um—!" Subaru choked, scrambling for a topic, and realizing his stump was… there, uncovered. Only now did he realize he was shirtless. "Th-this isn't—! Uh, so, believe it or not, this involved Garf, and it wasn't an intense arm-wrestling match!"
Emilia's gentleness turned into a full-on deadpan. "Oh, Subaru," she sighed, face falling into her hand. "Just so you know, you're trying way too hard."
"Y-yeah, I'd a pretty good feeling that I was."
"Also, I got the full story from Frederica," said Emilia. "So there's no need to still play the tough-guy." Subaru winced, guilty as she assumed, "Please don't be frustrated with her. You know how Frederica is: once one emotion leaks out, more come rushing in a torrent." She frowned, hands folding between her thighs. "A-and I… might've pressed out of concern for her well-being, sorry."
"Well, don't apologize to me."
"Hmph." Her smile was sad. "Frederica would have none of that. 'It's your right, Your Grace,' and… you know."
"Yeah. She's ironclad in her worldview alright." And self-assessment. "'Frederica is Frederica,'" sighed Subaru. "Ram'd said something like that before. It's vague, sure, but it never feels inappropriate, no matter what our Head Maid does."
"Even…?" Emilia wondered warily.
Even…
The front of Subaru's brain twinged—the beginnings of a migraine, surely.
"S-sorry. Forget about that." Emilia shook her head, exhaling with a hand to her heart. "Regardless of how Frederica feels, you trusted me to leave this in your hands, but—" Emilia cut herself off, glancing at Subaru's stump. "I couldn't keep holding back… when Frederica was in such distress."
Subaru didn't doubt that. That was absolutely the only reason, though. "N-no, thank you for prioritizing her feelings." Subaru was glad he could barely remember what, exactly, he'd said. The obvious broad strokes, sure, and…
"I love you with all my heart, Your Grace."
Nausea twisted Subaru's stomach on its axis. "Did Fred share anything in particular?"
Emilia shook her head once. "Nothing more than what I already understand, she didn't go into too much detail… I just had a feeling and pressed the matter; that it was related to, um, 'R-Return by Death,' was it?"
So Emilia put the pressure on Frederica, who likely wouldn't have divulged anything otherwise. "It's… fine. I'm the one who got drunk—"
"For which Garfiel is getting a supreme earful from Betty and I. Don't get me wrong," Subaru," Emilia continued, still crossing her arms, "I understand why you had to have told him for the sake of the mission. But to overstep himself as he had, and your comfort zone? Even if it's for the sake of helping one another, taking advantage of our friends' feelings is not how we do things in this castle."
"I love you with all my heart, Your Grace." Then what did that make of all of Subaru's victories, on the battlefield and off? He shook his head; that was a problem for when confronted with Frederica again… or… maybe never.
Emilia was beside him now; it was her time. "So, how're you holding up, Mili?"
Those long, creamy legs folded, hugged against her torso. "Is that a small-talk question, Subaru, or the one asking for a weightier answer?"
Donning a smile, only to realize that he already had, Subaru said, "Both, of course. You know I love hearing about your day." Moreover, he loved to help lighten her burdens, and if listening helped—like Mom always said—then Subaru was willing to sit in this one room until Emilia ran out of things to talk about.
"Quite the casual thing to ask," she said, glancing at his stump, "with everything going on. Am I to assume this is an act for my sake, or…?"
"Everything's fine," he said easily, for her sake. "At least for the time being. We should be ready, though!"
Emilia exhaled a laugh. "Alright, Subaru, I see what you're after here."
"W-wait, what d'you think I'm—?"
"And if you must know, my day was quite normal." She said with a smile; just what wavelength was she on? "Our calendar for next month is filled, I entertained some nobles," she breathed in, sighing, "rejected proposals, pinned others for later, saw Miss Margerie off for her maternity leave…"
Shit, did Mili really have all that to do today? All these loops?
"... And ," she added, "I overlooked a few rumors about the king amassing a portion of the castle guard for a secret operation."
Subaru dropped his head in defeat. "Crap, you knew?" Not that it was a big deal, but the idea of being sneaky around Emilia was—
"One need only look out the window to see what you were doing this morning, Subaru. Come now."
"Dammit. Sorry, Emilia. I wasn't trying to sneak around you—"
"Hey, now," she softly cried. Emilia was pouting. "Didn't you hear me this morning, my silly husband? I said that you could trust me." She straightened up, palm flat and planted beside Subaru. "You can trust me to trust you, if… nothing else."
'If there's nothing else I can do,' she couldn't bring herself to say. "Mili, it's not like that—"
"I know you don't mean anything by it, Subaru. I know how strong you think I am—"
"I know you're strong."
"Then why don't you trust me with this?" Emilia snapped softly.
Subaru couldn't help but give a start, as did Emilia in kind, sagging guiltily after. "Sorry. I'm being selfish right now, aren't I?"
"You know I love and trust you. More than Beako, even. But I have my reasons, why it's like this for now and whatnot."
"'F-for now?'"
Subaru nodded; 'for now.' Because, even though she was unbelievably strong thus far in taking Return by Death, Emilia's breaking point also felt like one of the lowest, and it made her do irresponsible things. Like killing Subaru without his consent, and then abandoning the Knights and Crusch to a fate of meatshields. Neither of these occurrences came to be with a light heart—or a sound mind, for that matter.
Emilia didn't have to put herself through that. She shouldn't.
"Because," Subaru swore with his heart, "for you, Mili, I don't wanna burden you until we're in the clear. That's the sum of it, honest. So, please, for me, just be patient for now. This uncertainty won't be forever, trust me. I'm going to talk to you about everything. I want to!"
"'Everything?'" Before Subaru could ease her doubts, Emilia pushed on: "Hopefully not for another three years, either."
"Yeah! Hopefully not!" Subaru laughed, a little too hard. "You see, I didn't even have a choice until yesterday; I could talk about Return by Death if I wanted to! Which, I did, for the record."
"I see… I'd have doubted that if I'm being honest, Subaru, if current circumstances didn't urge you to keep this close to your chest, still."
She was all but considering Subaru cowardly; not unfounded, but still… for Emilia to see him that way…
She shook her head, rejoining Subaru's gaze. "I'm just caught up in my own head, regardless. I don't know anything about this 'Return by Death' ability, and though I won't lie and deny that I have any thoughts on the matter, I'm acutely aware of your propensity to worry about others." Her smile turned sad once more. "And bogging you down with my worries will only distract you from the goal of saving our lives, first. Because… that's how it's always been, right? In times like these?" Her smile was as kind as ever, but her eyes…
Not hollow, nor depicting a soul on the verge of breaking.
Just defeated. Subaru couldn't help but wondered if Emilia already suspected Subaru knew a few of her… "worries," to put it mildly.
"I'm sorry it's like this," he said.
"It's how life is sometimes, husband." The very tips of her fingers touched his knee. "And as such, we'll get through it together. Just as we always have: you, me, Beatrice… everyone."
Some things can be done about it—"life"— as proven with Frederica if nothing else. Subaru wasn't going to let Emilia twist in utter misery: "Still, though. Usually talking, taking on the burdens that I don't gotta literally carry?" Subaru felt them start to slip through his one-handed fingers: Meili's issues, Garf's, Beatrice's, Frederica's…
"These're the things I can usually do, y'know? When you guys aren't being the awesome heroes who save the day? So, c'mon. Lemme have it."
Emilia hugged his arm. "You do more than that, and you know it. You're more than that, to us anyway. Returning by Death or no."
She was too good for him. "And despite that," Subaru inhaled, exhaling, "I still leave you confused n' hurting— "
"That's enough." And Emilia kissed his lips swiftly. "There's absolutely zero reason for a husband to be afraid around his wife," she said, " especially if she's his queen. I won't have that," Emilia murmured. "I refuse."
"M-Mili?"
"Ultimately I trust that you've done the right things to keep us safe, Subaru. You're right, though… I am hurting. I am confused. I'm also scared. But moreover, despite all of this, I've felt… safe… throughout the day. I thought you should know that, or would like to know..."
"'Safe?' You've felt—?"
"Safe, Subaru." Emilia nodded with a smile. "The more I thought about it, the more I realized… that… everything's gonna be okay! Despite all my worries and anxieties, I know there'll come a day where these are a thing of the past, thanks to you."
"And I'm lucky to be sure of such an idyllic future, because… we have you, and… you have us, and… you understand this, obviously. Because I understand that you weren't running away this morning, you were just doing what you always have: saving us in your own way." Her words came a little too fast to be composed.
But a little stress was warranted in these times. Subaru had nothing genuine to placate them anyway. "Well, I can't bring myself to try and trick you, too, Mili. And while ya aren't wrong, you're not wholly right, either." Part of Subaru was undoubtedly running from a difficult talk this morning. His "chat" with Frederica made that painfully obvious.
Emilia hummed. "I had a feeling Frederica was part of the reason, at the very least."
"Wait, so you actually thought I was running anyway?!" She really did think Subaru was cowardly; what a blow to the manhood.
She put her fists on her hips. "Choosing a different time to do battle is not running away, Subaru. At least in my opinion. After all…" Emilia's brows knitted as a fist curled against her chest. "Would you say I've been running until just now, too?"
Her tone was laced with guilt. Maybe, like Subaru, she was kicking herself for being a "hypocrite." They have been avoiding each other all day, now that Subaru thought about it.
"We're all cowards, Mili," he said. "Considering what we're dealing with, I don't think anyone'd blame us."
"And yet, I'm sure we all hold ourselves to an absurdly high standard."
"Yeah, but if we don't, then we get complacent. We become so used to our flaws that we forget they're there." And get everybody killed, pointlessly and tragically, in the process. Subaru smiled the thought away: "We can't all proudly live Ram's way of life, after all!"
Emilia shuddered with smothered laughter. "That's so mean," she giggled. Then, Emilia's hands clenched one another between her knees. "We share the same thoughts on the matter, though. Yes, undeniably: we have to move forward, mistakes and all, lest we leave ourselves marching in place and get left behind by all the rest…"
"Mili?"
"It's nothing," she said promptly. "I'm just feeling sorry for myself. For not being as strong as you." Emilia looked towards Subaru, shoulders straight. "Not that it's to the point of affecting my work. In fact, the moments where I got lost in it were the quietest my thoughts have been all day."
It couldn't have been helped, this complex they shared, long before the checkpoint. Both had a huge amount of gratitude indebted to one another. This inability to repay it in full was of Subaru's making; he knew this long before he'd opened his mouth to Emilia this morning, told her to stay out of his way.
And yet, there existed that guilty, hypocritical little boy afraid of hurting and getting hurt: "I wish I coulda left you with something. But I just… didn't know. What to say, then and there." Lame trash, always.
Emilia smiled, sad and haplessly. "That's not something you should have to stress over. I don't like it, but this… has been your world, Subaru, and not mine," she mumbled. "And though I dislike that, I've not once forgotten that my feelings aren't what's important here; we're no longer a group of anxious kids worried about how others see us, we have a kingdom to look after, so—!" Her trembling fist collapsed open, releasing the front of her nightgown. "So… we really ought to be better than this, Subaru. You and I, Frederica, Ram, and Petra…"
"Why Ram and Petra?"
Emilia glared in disbelief. "I may not know the specifics of what you've been through today, husband, but you can't expect me to believe that their behavior hasn't caused at least some trouble for you this go-around. Come now."
Nothing escaped the queen's eye, but even so… "Y'all are making a seriously big deal about Ram's joke."
"I know it's been on your mind, Subaru. You're always giving yourself such a hard time about the role of protector."
"'Protector?'" That was a flowery way of reading Ram's punchline.
Emilia lowered her head, smiling at him sadly. "Call it a provider if you will, a husband, or what-have-you. Whatever it is being a man means to you, Subaru—until today, I don't think I ever fully understood the kind of pressure you put yourself under. Regarding that. All the more," Emilia continued, head lifting, "it makes me wish we were all better, so that we could help you. So that… you could trust us more."
"You know I trust you guys."
"Perhaps with your life, but not your heart, if I may be so bold." Subaru was speechless, and Emilia's guilt deepened as her gaze veered further away. "You clearly love us enough to save us, time and again… There's no doubt about that. But there's a part of you that's also… afraid. And I think your power is the reason why, however that may be. I almost don't wanna think about it…"
Subaru's memory recalled, then and there, Frederica's specifically accusing him of feeling this way about her—afraid, despite how illogical on the surface that seemed.
"Whether it's afraid of how we'll act, or react, or treat you… I can't be sure, because," Emilia murmured, "this, too, is something you wished to keep to yourself. As is your right, but—! But you…" A hapless sigh. "Listen to me, rambling and trying my hardest to make it about me while also not."
"I'm not at all offended."
"But I am , Subaru. I've been telling myself all day not to do this, but I my helpless feelings keep cropping up like—! Like some kind of bad habit!" Her laugh was as fake as her attempt to play it off.
They both believed such awful, selfish feelings were a burden on one another. " I'm glad you told me this, Emilia."
"Huh?" She went statue-still, gazing wide-eyed.
Subaru smiled in turn. "Now I know what you're thinking, and no, not a thing you're saying is a bother or a pain. Not really. Honestly!" Emilia looked doubtful, like Subaru was telling the most painfully obvious lie. "I've been a serious jackass to you guys, since before this loop, even. I get how it was all my own fault, though—making you guys feel as bad as you have. I mean, pretty much everyone's gotten the vibe that I can't trust them!" he laughed, or tried to, scratching the back of his head. "So I can't blame you guys for keeping an arm's length from me, but wanting to close the distance more than anything." He was the exact same way; might as well admit that. "Heck, I'm that, times ten! S'a friggin' paradox, I swear."
Emilia absorbed this, swallowing and rubbing her knees a little. "Well, if you feel that way… then, I'm glad you're starting to be able to talk again. Without the help of alcohol," she added with a wink.
Subaru sighed and moaned in one, laying back on his one hand. "Man, now I'm just wondering how I can even face Frederica again. M'sure I said all sorts of messed-up things to her. Gotta say, it's a real blow to be scolded right after, with how we should be more responsible and mature."
"I-I scolded you?! Sorry, I didn't mean to!"
"Nah, nah, I need to hear it. Hammers home what I just learned from Frederica," said Subaru, knocking himself on the head for emphasis.
Emilia pondered this, twiddling her thumbs. "It feels insensitive, now that I've calmed down a little. I could always tell that you hold yourself to a higher standard than most people. An unreasonable one, borderline anyway. I didn't hear a sound from Frederica's room, but even before she said a word, I could tell just by looking on your face how much weight you've been carrying. I like to think… part of you was glad, to let it out some today." Emilia's eyes narrowed in pain. "It's so unfair, Subaru. Is there really nothing I— we —can do? To make it in any way easier?" Emilia asked her lap of this.
Because of that, she was startled as Subaru's hand settled on her hair—his body twisted so the limbed side could manage. Emilia watched Subaru's haplessly mangled posture with a bittersweet smile. "Jus'... be'ere by my side!" Subaru grunted, "f'rever n' always!"
Emilia exhaled, reciprocating the hug. "You make that sound like such a tall order. As if this is something we haven't already decided on. Your Grace," she added, head bowing.
"You're inciting some cringey old fantasies I had when you call me 'Your Grace,' Mili."
Her round little shoulders bounced with laughter. Sighing, Emilia regathered her knees to pillow her cheek—to gaze longingly at Subaru. "I love you."
Subaru's heart tingled. "Love ya, too, Mili."
"No, I really do." Emilia straightened up, her cheeks puffing. "You really are amazing to me, Subaru. The way you're able to not only joke, but get me to laugh in a time like this?" She shook her head, exhaling fondly. "It makes me wonder why I was worried about this all day."
Subaru leaned back, arm propping him. "Would sharing them ease some of your concerns? I… can answer honestly with you, Mili." Honestly enough, and without scrambling to come up with a lie. "Yeah, I will. Easy promise!"
His wife puckered her lips, glowering. "You make those so recklessly all of a sudden, Subaru."
"Wha—?! You got a Promise Sensor too, or something?!"
Emilia put her hands on her hips. "Yeah! They're called our friends? "
"They—! Told you?"
Her brows knitted, hands clasped against her lap. "I'm only concerned because I'm afraid this habit is related to that pressure you put on yourself. That and… however you feel about us, if not in fear, then in lieu of Return by Death."
Now she was being too worrisome. "Why do I get the feeling you're the only one who realized it's capitalized?"
Emilia was stricken a second before giving a laugh, smirking. "You can't sound out the capitalization of proper nouns, silly. But I understand the joke, and I just assumed that was the case considering how you like to give everything a really cool title."
"It makes me stupidly fuzzy inside to hear you call Return by Death a 'really cool title.'" He frowned after letting it sit a second. "But, also, it gives the same vibe as a mother calling her son 'cool.' Just makes it feel suddenly lame."
"Hey!" Emilia whined, crossing her arms. "I thought you liked my, quote, 'motherly charm—!'"
His finger appeared before her lips. "Shh-shh-shh—please, Mili, don't say it out loud and acknowledge its existence, please!" Subaru whispered.
"You're such a guy!" Emilia laughed internally, then aloud, her smile wide as though uncaring of Subaru's maiming, or the painfully obvious single-of-seven-Witches currently held in undying captivity. "On top of that," she said, "Betty's of the opinion that I am, in fact, 'cool.' I'm as cool as you, in fact! And you know how smart our little Betty is!"
Subaru rolled his eyes. "Should I tell Mili that Beako would totally be given swirlies if she'd been schooled in my world?" She would likely obliterate the fools right after, though.
"What was that, Subaru?"
"Just a joke to myself, Mili," he chirped, rolling his arm as though it were an effort. "You know, she would be absolutely over-the-moon if you'd said something like that when it's just the three of us. 'Our Betty,' and whatnot."
Emilia circled her thumbs, her pout a blushy one. "Yes, well… I have my doubts when it comes to the way you tease and embarrass Beatrice. I wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable by my affections."
"Excuses."
"Th-they are not! "
"Oh, Mili, I know well the pain, the anxiety , of my affections risking a repellant reaction from our dear Beako!"
Emilia hunched her shoulders. "Are my worries really that silly? You don't think she'd be… disturbed?"
"'Disturbed?'" Subaru scoffed. "Sheesh, absolutely not! N-not that I blame you, or anything! I mean, it's Beatrice after all, and she's a prickly one. You know, that first year we were together, before Priestella… I felt the same as you did, early on."
"Wait, really?" Her soft voice was full of hope.
"Yeah. I toned it down after the first couple teases, though. Her reactions were as you expected, and I became worried that I was putting Beatrice on the spot. Like, in the uncomfortable position of having to always reply to my affections honestly."
"Ah." Emilia nodded. "I wondered what was so bad about this until that last part."
"Yeah," Subaru cringed, scratching his head, "I was really worried about Beatrice hating me! But, as Beako does, she got all worried and cute less than a day later. She thought that I was losing interest in her! Can you believe that? So, since then, I never toned down on the teasing again."
"Hmph. It sounds to me like you conditioned Beatrice to take teasing as your way of showing affection."
Subaru heard Frederica confess her love once again. "Th-that's so off-the-mark!" Though probably not completely. "Beatrice and I have a complicated relationship, okay?!" he was telling himself. "My point is, you don't have to be so nervous around that spirit. She's been deprived of love for four-hundred years, and though my well of it is bottomless, Subaru Natsuki is but one man. And I don't think I can satisfy her on my own. You feel me?"
"Mm." Emilia nodded. "My anxieties are probably getting the best of me more than anything, once again. My mind's been on… the past, a lot. As I'm sure you understand."
"Anything specific?"
"Nothing that concrete, unfortunately. Just… general regret, for treating you so lightheartedly back when we first met. It clearly didn't get to you too- too much, but still… it must've been infuriating, to have your efforts go on unnoticed and insulted as they have."
"Eh, it was the way things—"
"Subaru." Emilia looked him dead in the eye. "You don't have to pretend you're not upset anymore. It's only me. You can be a little selfish around me… I promise you can, that it's okay. I've always relied on you, after all. You know I have."
"Mili—"
"I know, I know, not literally always. Just like you, Subaru, aren't 'literally always' an utterly fearless, bold, selfless man." Emilia donned her smile, pitying for them both. "And that's okay. It's perfectly fine to be flawed, so long as we handle it responsibly. Subaru."
She saw right through him; her every utterance cut, and there was nothing Subaru could say to deny or downplay the simple reality of her words. "I… I'm sorry."
Emilia's sternness all but broke. " Why are you apologizing?"
"I dunno." It crushed him. "M'sorry I have this… this horrible tightness in my chest when m'with you guys." He gripped the ache as it flared, a myriad of deaths flashing before his eyes. "I don't handle it responsibly. But I also don't know how. An' the only people I can turn to," he snuffled, "are the ones who're the very reasons I feel this way! S-so I dunno what t' do—! "
"Subaru, please—!" He was snatched in the death grip of Emilia Natsuki, her nails all but actually digging into his back. "Please…! M'sorry, I'm so sorry I spoke so insensitively!"
"Y-you didn't—!"
"Just stop lying to me already!" Emilia shook, she sobbed into his chest so long and haggardly. "Sorry," she squeaked, "m'sorry… fer everything! "
"It's okay." Subaru realized he hadn't hugged her back until now. "It's really okay. Nothing you've done is even half as bad as what the others've—"
Emilia cried, long and loud.
King of friggin' Cool right here. "It's okay," Subaru whispered, throat closing as he squeezed his arm around his wife's back. "It's gonna be okay."
"Subaru… Subaru?"
"What's up, Mili?"
"Subaru…" Emilia gasped, hands moving to his chest, balled into fists. "Subaru, on behalf of all our friends, I am s-so, s- sincerely s'horry—! That we hurt you so badly! S'ho much n' s'ho! Bad-ly-hee!" Emilia swallowed hard, gasping another sob as her damp cheek nuzzled Subaru's shoulder. "M'sorry," she hissed, "that we gave you so many horrible scares… Beatrice was right! Beatrice was right , we've traumatized you, Subaru! An' I 'ad no idea, how right she was, n'til I really looked at you t'day! "
There was nothing, truly nothing, Subaru could do to ease Emilia's pain or silence her cries; nothing more than hold her, and listen. Like Mom always said, huh?
There's no doubt about it.
This was the most useless Subaru had ever been.
The crystal lamps were still set to day; Emilia and Subaru cried until they were spent, curled around one another atop the covers of their bed. Neither had said a word to one another; Subaru didn't know how to broach the awkwardness without using a joke.
But that was okay; the calm of Emilia's figure, her muscles under his arm and against his chest, told this was just enough for them both to cope.
Emilia breathed in, her small back pressing fully. "There's really nothing more," she sighed, shrinking. "Nothing else to be done, but cry."
"That's about the sum of it in this life of mine: cry and talk about it, and move on."
"You're so strong," Emilia breathed, the hand on his clenching it. "Another thing that's crossed my mind, Subaru."
"Oh, no."
She lightly smacked his hand. "It's nothing bad, but your little jokey-joke just now is exactly what I'm talking about."
"You know you can tell me to cut it out, right?"
"It's not that, Subaru. Rather, it's how you… joke around, a lot, to deflect an issue. Yours, more often than not. Don't feel bad, though. I often lose myself in the escape. A lot, this past year, every time you make me smile."
"But that's why I do it, that's—! Why, Emilia," he murmured, processing the excuse he came up with on the spot.
That was an excuse, right?
Emilia—who knew Subaru as well as he did—was just seeing an issue she wanted to see was there… right?
Goodness.
What an assumption to make about his loving wife.
"Subaru?"
"I like making people smile. I like making myself smile." And I've been so afraid of never being able to do that again.
God.
Is that really where the anxieties were coming from?
The inevitable change this reveal would bring? Seriously?
Emilia was pained prior to the checkpoint, there was no getting around that. Whether it was how she'd feel or what would do in turn, the fact of the matter remained:
"I… thought some pretty horrible stuff about you, Mili. Just for having a perfectly normal reaction to all this shit."
"S-Subaru, are you—? Hold on, let me get your handkerchief—!" She made to stand, but was snatched by the wrist, freezing the entire scene.
"I—!" Subaru wrenched his hand away. "S-sorry, that was a little too rough—"
She laced her fingers with his tight, their palms kissing as she laid back down, facing Subaru. Emilia's eyes glistened. "Thank you. For stopping me from running. Please, continue. Sorry." Great strength steadied her hand, in spite of how slight it shook.
The same fear shone in her gaze, nearly overshadowed by love and… respect. Patience. An open mind—however Emilia meant it, she was here for Subaru, despite having a day's worth of doubts and anxieties festering within her.
It's taken Subaru four years, and he was still struggling to meet just a fraction of her greatness. He'd done a lot, accomplished much, touched numerous lives in ways he never expected…
But his was flawed, sullied at the root thanks to Return by Death. Its wielder reflected this.
Emilia, for all her flaws and weaknesses, was still pure white snow as far as Subaru cared. "Maybe this is love," he said, "but whenever I think about all your flaws, I realize that I really don't mind them. Ever, not really." Not when his actions ruin Emilia in the first place, her sweet gentle face now tilting in puzzlement. "Using them to spare you my idea of pain, only to spill my guts out anyway every time we've talked since this all started… they're really just excuses I'm buying into, your flaws. To justify hiding from ya. That's just it, Mili. I haven't thought throughout all this. I thought that I thought, but I only thought about problems that I wanted to see. To say I have a right, feeling so scared of you guys." In truth, no one had truly done anything wrong—not even Meili. They did bad things, constantly; but only because Subaru was forcing their hand. Only because their king was a coward. "Thanks to you, my eyes are open, now, Mili." Ram had it right; Emilia needed to be the one to make him face this like a man.
"But how?"
"'How?' Nothing you did in particular. We just… talked! Nothing grandiose about it. But, as usual, talking's the ticket." Subaru gave a hapless laugh. "Not talking just delays the inevitable and shoots myself in the foot. I should really take this to heart and get over myself already."
"I have to say, it's a pretty big turnaround from this morning."
"Well, I lost an arm, got yelled at by Garf, my foot stomped by Petra, I bathed with Meili, and got drunk with—a-at? Frederica." Subaru dropped his five fingers. "And if not for the first, I'd add my other thumb for the two of us just having a real chat. No smoke and mirrors."
And then Emilia shot up, smiling and gasping damply. "Your eyes," she whispered, knuckling her own. "S-sorry, it's just… those kind, loving eyes and that smile… I didn't think I'd get to see it," she squeaked, before gasping damply into a slowly curling form.
Subaru gathered her closer to him. "That's the thing, Mili," he said, combing her silver locks. "It's really hard to believe with the life I live, I know, but… talking with you guys? Laughing? That's what gets me through it. It's irresponsible as hell to rely on it—friggin' unhealthy to boot, lemme tell ya." Emilia laughed, only to hitch on a cough as a lone sob caught it. Rubbing her back, Subaru said, "But it's the little moments that make me realize… yeah, for sure, this's always gonna be worth it."
Emilia startled in his direction, only to hide her face immediately. "So you do remember what you dream about."
"Before this talk, and a lotta times in the past. Yeah," sighed Subaru. "I hate facing what I see in them. It's weak, but that's how it is. So, sorry in advance, if what I'm about to say sounds bitter? But only because it's for myself, no one else's fault."
"O-okay? What's—?"
Subaru swung upright, sitting criss-cross before he bowed his head: "Please excuse my weakness, dear wife, but this is effing hard sometimes!"
"You're only human, my poor husband." A hand touched his hair, smoothing its messiness out. Emilia had propped herself on an elbow, her shapely legs flowing down the bed. "I just wish you told me all this sooner, Subaru. That's all."
"I blame my cruddiness on that one. You didn't do anything to make me so wary."
"Hm. Perhaps in your opinion," she murmured. Subaru frowned disapprovingly, Emilia pouting as if daring to dismiss the legitimacy of her feelings. "But… the past is the past," she continued agreeably, "and dwelling on it is only good if it's to learn."
And with that, Emilia looked him fully in the eye, calm and queenly and criss-cross as well, uncaring of her exposure. "Subaru, what shall we do about Frederica?"
A small, horrible part of Subaru winced at the wasted effort come tomorrow night; a part smothered by Emilia naturally taking responsibility for his blunder: that "we." She would always be too good for Subaru, no matter how much redemption he did.
"It'll be pointless to tell you that this's my problem, won't it?"
"Indeed it would be," Emilia nodded. "After all, who made the decision to let her husband go off on his own, so that he could lose his arm?" Her playfulness crumbled with lip pursed, her brows quivering a second before Emiliai's bangs lowered before them. "Subaru, can I… also confess a horrible thought I'd had about you?"
"Sure, Mili." Anything to help, not just for future reference but for this Emilia's sake. "Ask me anything."
She gripped her skinny biceps tight. "S-so, on the note of… everything we've talked about, tonight, it's… not that I don't trust you, but…" Her gaze whipped up, welled with tears. "Subaru! Please, be honest with me!"
He straightened his back. "I will! Cross my heart!"
"Don't even think about an answer, now, and don't waste a second processing my question! A-alright? Just… say the first reaction your mind has, okay!?" She popped one eye open. "That's… fine… right?"
Subaru rolled his eyes playfully. "Rulebook downloaded. Now, shoot."
"Alright. Subaru, do you truly hate yourself?" As he breathed to gasp, she asked, "Do you really hate your life? Are you genuinely wondering if this nightmare life you live is remotely worth it?"
"M-Mili, that's three—!"
"Just, please, answer," she squeaked, nails scratching her flawless skin. "S-Subaru, I-I asked you to answer immed—"
"I don't know!"
[Play 'Wish of the Stars' Now]
Subaru gave a pained laugh at the way her face, slack and tearful, shot up. "I really don't, Emilia, I'm sorry!" he laughed sadly. "I mean, I'm not saying I don't feel that way sometimes. Alotta the time, honestly. But… I mean, every coin has two sides, no? And there's just as many times where I don't… Hate . My life, I mean!" he added. "Myself, my power… how annoying our jerks could be. All of it." Him and Emilia shared a weak but cozy chuckle. "Times like this, these moments where you and I can just… talk through something? Even something as messed up as this, like it was natural?" Emilia's eyes shimmered before she nodded in firm agreement. "Well, a-and this'll maybe sound a little cheesy, but… I end up loving it. My life. I get grateful for the pain, and what it taught me; glad to have had an infinite number of chances to save you dummies. I just… get really happy. Thanks to all of you."
"S-Subaru…" Emilia's hands crossed her heart as she sniffled fiercely. "Y-you always," she croaked, "you're such a sweet, silly man, y'know that?!"
"Mili," he sighed, arm opening the exact same time her body tilted towards him.
They embraced, they cried, they whispered sweet nothings. Throughout it all, Subaru realized he'd been approaching Emilia all wrong until this conversation. She was stronger than he gave her credit for, but just as fragile. It was a mangled paradox, but that was Emilia Natsuki's role in this world—a girl who wouldn't be in this castle, with this crown, affected as she was by Subaru's actions, had it not been the impossible miracles brought about by a curse that might have been hers.
"This's complicated," Subaru began, "and really, seriously messed-up. Part of me regrets just blurting it out to you and Beako this—"
"No!" Emilia's fist balled against Subaru's chest, only to flatten and caress him just as quickly. Subaru was disquieted by how natural this all felt. "N-no… I'm glad, Subaru. Despite how much it hurts, even though it's making me think so many things now—!" She exhaled shakily, "I'm glad, above all else, that there's a part of you—however hidden—that's wanted me to know this secret more than anything."
"Mili?" She sounded more relieved than happy.
"That's the truth. I swear it. For the past year, Subaru, I've wondered constantly if you would ever trust me to know the deepest scars you keep hidden in your heart. Beyond your childhood, beyond what you've done to 'your' friends in the past, that you always dream about…" Emilia's head lifted, equal parts happy and heartbroken. "I truly wanted to know the pain beneath it all, no matter how awful you think yourself to be!" she cried. "I wanted to know, so that I could fully embrace all of you, both as your wife, and your first friend upon coming into this world."
It was so overwhelming. "Mili—!" The Witches, everyone's problems, his trust issues. "Emiliaaa!" Subaru curled around her, pressing his cheek into her exposed upper back.
"There, there." Arms slipped and snagged his midsection. "This's an awkward hug, my dear husband."
"S-sorr—"
She squeezed tighter. "No, I like this. It's a hug only you and I could share."
That was very true, and not in appearance alone. They separated with a smile on each of their faces, eyes tearless but puffy and red, and purple in Emilia's case; Subaru probably looked like a zombie.
"So," he said, "that's the best answer I can give on short notice, Mili: yes and no." Subaru scratched his cheek, avoiding Emilia's loving face. "Kind of a letdown, huh? Nothing's really changed with me."
"Subaru, please don't be so nervous. I don't want you thinking I'm upset or ashamed of you for having off-days."
He couldn't stand the sight of her patience while thinking about how afraid he'd been of her weaknesses. "It feels like my whole life is one big 'off-day' sometimes."
"Yeah," exhaled beside him, before his stumped shoulder cushioned Emilia's cheek. "M-me too. Or, rather, I'm beginning to realize that I feel this way." Before Subaru could press, Emilia went upright, her hand easing. "Y-you have enough on your plate as it is, though—!"
"Emilia."
"Eh?" She flinched, feigning complete innocence.
"Mili, I can't finish my plate if I see my wife struggling with hers."
Her cheeks puffed, a small laugh sputtering. "You sound," she giggled, bowing, "so serious, and—and you—! We're discussing something so serious—!" Emilia cried with laughter, knuckling her eyes as she exhaled a few staggered huffs. "I'm sorry, that came outta nowhere, and must have been really off-putting!" Her smile was as big as it was glowing red.
"Not at all," said Subaru. "You gotta laugh during this stuff, I always thought. Besides! Aren't I the one who turned your worry into a joke?"
"Mm-mm." Emilia shook her head, smiling. "You didn't make light of my worry. You received it and replied in a very Subaru-manner." Emilia exhaled fondly, gaze dropping to her hands. "Look at me, fretting over nothing."
"What was this one about?"
"Just… when I'd see you again, and hear more of that performance from the Reading Room this morning. That's what I was afraid of."
"Yikes. Cringe. Yeah, I could tell no one bought it."
Emilia's eyes closed, her gentle expression returning. "I'm glad it was unfounded, however. You haven't lost your edge, Subaru." She winked, and Subaru's heart exploded twice.
He laughed off the surge of embarrassment. "I-it's not like I'm trying or anything! This stuff just comes—" Emilia was getting closer, "—n-natur'mm. "
Emilia hummed back, kissing hard before pulling away equally quick, red and smirking. "That's why I'm relieved now, Subaru," she cooed.
"O-oh…"
Her shoulders bounced with a covered laugh. "I have to say, it's a bit of a confidence booster, being able to render you speechless like this. I never knew how easy it was, rattling the dauntless King Subaru Natsuki."
"I-I coulda told you that, day one, for sure."
Emilia pecked his lips again. "Glad you didn't," she murmured, "that would've been kinda weird."
Now it was Subaru's turn to snort, making Emilia giggle in kind. "Subaru," she exhaled, "Subaru, there's something I wanna say to you. Something I've been wanting to say for a while, actually."
Subaru cocked a brow. "What's been keeping you?" It was rare for something to be left unspoken between the two of them; barring extremes like Return by Death.
"It's no cause for worry," said Emilia, brows knitted despite this. "It shouldn't be, anyway."
"S-sorry, I just got nervous over nothing. Just… lay it on me! You know I can take it."
Emilia pulled back, arms crossing as she smirked, brow raising. "I'll keep this confidence in mind as you react."
"Oh-h'oh! Back atcha, Mili."
Emilia winced, turning red, and then: "L-let's have a baby! Subaru!"
"Um?!"
"Wh-what's with the face?! It's not that scary!"
"It's starting a friggin' family! That's scary as hell!" And Subaru's face burned like it.
Haven't we been trying? In truth, that was his first, quippy instinct. But Emilia was serious; she was actually… saying it, that she wanted this. Out loud!
That… with Subaru… Emilia actually wanted…
Even though he had Return by Death. "H-huh? You're serious?" Even though he cheated to get here, Emilia still…
"When am I not? L-let's, wh-when this's all over… make a little quarter-elf, half-Japanese prince or princess!" Emilia lifted her gaze from the red bed of her cheeks, fingers tapping together. "And, because I know I've been stalling on this for a while, I'm positive I haven't yet shared. Is… that… something for you to look forward to, like I thought? When this's all over?"
"Y-yeah." Part of Subaru had long dreamed of the day, where he could start a family with this lovely half-elf. "Y-yeah." But last loop. "Of… f'course it is, Mili. I'd love that." Subaru blinked away his tears; his memories of him and Emilia last loop. Whether it was fear or some other thing, the two had found themselves in one another's arms without a word to get there. It was strange, but not questionably so; what was strange… was that it happened three times.
And throughout all those times…
"You've wanted this?" Subaru swallowed the urge to let that hang. "Well, so have I." Emilia smiled, gasping damply before she smiled, nodding tearfully.
"I… can't wait for you to tell me that, Subaru."
"Emilia…" Deep down, though she wanted to deny it with all her might, reality was something Emilia had learned to accept in every possible angle. "I love you."
"I love you more." Emilia had never replied that way before; nor did she kiss Subaru so forcefully he fell back, and she followed to maintain it. "I love you way more than you think, Subaru." She kissed him again—her whole, soft body making out with his.
It was always so wonderfully easy for Subaru to lose himself with Emilia around.
And the same was true in reverse.
Beatrice slept in the Reading Room tonight, not that she needed to be told as much. Clearly, Beatrice knew of Emilia's intentions tonight before Subaru had.
Emilia's Faint Hope
[Play 'Call of the Witch' Now]
"Wakey, wakey, Subarun~"
He opened his eyes to the sight of Daphne, pale and naked, with her jaws open around Emilia's silver-haired head.
"Get up and get dressed and don't say a word, or I'll bite her head off." Daphne's voice echoed, layered demonically, without so much as a twitch of her chin. "My sisters wanna talk, lucky you. Now, get moving; another word and I'm gonna snap and start snacking!"
Subaru got his ass in pants at mach speed. All the while, Emilia slept soundly; she rarely ever did when his own sleep was poor, Subaru remembered.
What he couldn't remember was this recent sleep's dreams.
Daphne was perched on the windowsill, her grin white and eyes black and bulbous; starry, like space. "We'll be there in seconds."
"How?" Subaru whispered, glancing as Emilia rolled towards his empty space, feeling it. "How'd you even get here?"
"We're gonna bolt as fast as possible across the capital rooftops," said Daphne. "Minerva will heal your mangled body before your consciousness dies, don't worry. I'm really super fast, Subarun."
