The excuses flowed without missing a beat: "Because Pride scared the shit outta me, and no one had a shot at beating him except in a one-on-one with Rein—"

"And how could you've known that?!"

"I just said I could Return by Death—"

"Bullshit!" Felt's fists slammed against the bar. "Bullshit!" she sobbed brokenly. "You're so full'a shit, I can't believe—!"

"I'll say it again and again until I'm blue in the face: I can Return by Death, Felt! It's a curse! Ever since I came into this world—!"

"Ya used it to get everything ya ever wanted," Felt uttered in a dry, dead voice, face slick with tears. "That's the long and short of it, isn't it? Beneath all the screaming and crying and hand-waving… that's the truth of it, yeah?"

The lack of an accusatory tone struck Subaru the hardest. "Y-yeah… I'm a cowardly, selfish shit, Felt."

"No, you're not!" She wrangled the front of her jacket—Subaru's jacket—as if that emphasized her point. And then Felt all but screeched, snatching Subaru's stump. "Dumbass! If you give so little'f a shit, why didn't you do everything you could to save Reinhardt?! I thought he was your friend!" Back to this point.

"He was, he is, but Felt—!"

"He was your savior, too, yeah?" she cried, dragging Subaru over the bar. "Like Emilia?"

"Y-yes…"

"So why…?"

There was no excuse, not really. "The guilt destroys me whenever I think about it. I couldn't keep trying, though, Felt—"

"You would for Emilia! You did in Priestella, probably, if nowhere else! So why didn't you try as hard with Reinhardt, huh?!"

"Return by Death isn't some battle simulator! Every failure was the real thing—!"

"Hell yeah, you made that perfectly clear, asshole!" Felt cried, releasing him. "Sounds to me like you only gave a shit about your own skin. Those of you, and your little clique."

It scared Subaru, how exposed he felt; scared him so bad he seethed calmly, "That's not fair."

"Tch! What's fair about living under the whims of our Undead Overlord, King Subaru Natsuki?"

She and Garf were cut from the same cloth: their first instinct assuming Subaru was some master manipulator. "As if I would do something as messed up as that on purpose—!"

"Naw, ya just accidentally prodded Emilia into the throne—a side effect of followin' with yer cock!"

Subaru resisted banging his fist against the bartop. He exhaled, aggressively. "I'm well -aware of what I've done with my curse, how I abused it and hurt people I love. It was because of my actions and choices, Felt. Me."

"And ya never quit while you were ahead, ya cheat." Felt shrugged, however.

Subaru looked the ugly truth—and her—dead in the eye, saying, "I couldn't stop if I wanted to make Emilia happy, after all…"

"And m'sure the soft-hearted idiot is over-the-fucking-moon about all this, if you're here tellin' me about it."

Subaru's palm gushed with wet warmth suddenly, his fist clenching so hard. "Believe it or not, most of me never wanted to tell her about this."

"Yeah. 'Most.' Just like m'sure you didn't want Reinhardt to die, either, considering he's the only player in the Royal Selection who never made it."

Even though Subaru knew this timeline was his responsibility, even though he knew Felt was lashing out emotionally, and even though he knew the situation against Pride was otherwise hopeless…

"I tried, Felt. I really did." A small, outspoken part of Subaru couldn't take the insults, the ignorance and arrogance of someone who thought they knew better. "But do you know how much dying hurts? Or knowing what your loved ones feel, as they die the same way, every time I fail?"

Felt folded her arms. "Don't talk like pain and hardships are your excuse, ya one-armed king. So you threw every possible strategy and able-bodied moron at the archbishop: yes, or no? Yes, then I don't blame ya. If not, then your cowardly ass just threw Lugnica's best defense in the garbage like he was some kinda cheap glass cannon—!"

"I just said I don't want anybody else being hurt! I can't stand it when it happens because of me! Why's that the one point you guys always seem to ignore?!"

"How the hell do ya expect anybody to think that, when you sure as shit don't care about yourself?"

"But even before this—!" Subaru cracked, squeezing his stump.

Felt slapped his hand free of it. "You're a lying piece o' crap who likes to pretend he's happy." Even Felt was aware of Subaru's nightmares, thanks to Emilia. "Put two and two together, without dying for once, dumbass—"

He could, he has. "Why does everyone expect me to be perfect because of this?! Because all they've known me to do is win!?" And then Subaru cried out, having answered his own despair.

Y-you're ri—"

Horrible. "I'm sorry." Selfish. "M'sorry, it's just—" Shitty. "Just, wh-when I'm… in the moment, when I'm moments away from dying, knowing so little that it gets us killed—"

"Bro—"

"I can't think—about anything—but… dying!" Subaru laughed, because that was the biggest irony of all. "Isn't that just the dumbest thing? Dying does nothing, literally nothing to me—"

"C-clearly—"

"But when you guys're getting slaughtered, and our whole world's ending…" Subaru's hand slapped against his mouth, smothering a sob, the despair, the trauma the memories. "All I think about in those times, is how badly I messed up," his palm echoed, "how m'losing precious memories with the rest of you. And it hurts. It hurts , and it hurts , and I-I dont know what else to do, but, excuse myself! Ha'h! Excuses and sorries, all I can say is that and that—! …It hurts. It hurts so badly, every time. I always wanted the pain to stop, I just wanted the pain to stop , every single time. Every single time we were in pain, you guys or me… I just wanted it to be over and done. Dead. That's it. That's what I've done with Return by Death, Felt, is flounder around like a moron until I knew enough to save us. I'm sorry."

"Bro—"

"I'm so sorry for every time I failed you, an' Reinhardt—"

"Subaru!" A sharp gasp—Felt had the nerve to cry, choking back tears. "Asshole," she squeaked, covering her mouth. "You're such a selfish asshole…"

She was accusing him. "I didn't ask for this shit!" Of something. "A-alright?!"

"And thank fuck you're telling me that now, cuz I was about to knock your ass from here to the castle!"

"Huh?" Subaru choked, realizing her angry tears contrasted with the tough love in her words. "Felt?"

"Again! Why is it fair that we have to live under the whims of a cowardly, lovesick moron like yourself?! You didn't ask for this, nobody in their right mind—!" Felt threw her hands up. "Look! I get it! Okay? But how the hell did this happen, anyway?!" And then she snorted deep, leaning back and back, until throwing herself forward with a short, loud, groan. "You've no idea how much I wanna wring yer neck right now."

Subaru wiped his cheeks. "You could try. Not that it'd do much."

"Shut the fuck up." Felt shook her head, hooded gaze zeroed in on Subaru's stump. "Not funny. Just shut the fuck up." She palmed one eye, thumbed the other. "Gosh," she sniffled, rubbing moisture between her fingers. "Can't believe I wanna cry for your stupid ass."

"You don't have to." The others have done that enough. "It wouldn't be right. 'Cause you're dead-on, Felt: I've been through a lot, but that doesn't change what I was tryna do." What Subaru had always done: been irresponsible and selfish, letting others get hurt before he was.

"I don't blame ya. I mean, not much you could do about it." Even more shocking than her words: Felt's shaky smile. "You love Queen Emilia, after all. I'd do the same thing if…" That was too easy; so easy that Subaru inhaled, ready to expound upon his selfishness, before Felt continued: "Hell, no one would be alive today if I could win every battle my way! You, Emilia, Crusch or Anastacia, Julius…"

"That's not you, Felt." Her morals often won out against her greed.

"Just me and Reinhardt. A-and Rom—him, too, once I find a way to cure aging!" Felt's desperate hope, as if this was somehow feasible, shattered in horror as she met Subaru's gaze. "God… what the hell am I thinking? What the hell?!" She gripped the sides of her hair; Subaru inhaled to say… something… when suddenly she threw her hands up: "How is this real?! This is a joke, right?!"

Subaru forced a smirk. "My life sure feels like one sometimes."

"Reinhardt would be alive if literally anybody but you had this power." A short, sharp sob burst forth before that could fully sink in, and then, "Sorry… m'sorry… that's the shittiest thing I've ever said to someone, n'to you, an' it's horrible, but—"

"But it's true," Subaru said. "After doing this with the others, it's refreshing that you see me for who I am, Felt—"

"I don't know what the hell I'm talking about! Don't take my blows just lying down like a dead horse!" Her face crumpled, wrangling the front of her jacket again. "This is hell. This is hell. This is the worst, bro."

Part of Subaru wondered why he went about this; any of it. "I'm sorry, Felt. I shouldn't have just come and dropped this on you."

"It feels like I'm getting stabbed, right 'ere in the friggin' chest." She gasped hoarsely. "Like I'm losing him again, all because of my own dumbass fault!"

"F-Felt—"

"It's like m'losing him… Reinhardt, and you." The implications hit uncomfortably hard before Subaru's mind could process them, before Felt could clarify with a familiar song and dance: "If I didn't throw myself at Reinhardt an' Pride like a moron, Emilia coulda… maybe saved Reinhardt, like… if I'd just gone with you instead o' there, then Garf…" Felt, too. Even she didn't take long to realize the implications of Return—"Hell no!" she snarled. "If you hadn't gutted yourself on Garf like a moron, then Emilia coulda saved 'im! She coulda saved Reinhardt's life!" And then Felt grit her teeth, eyes wilding. "Who the hell… the hell do I think I am?" she seethed. "I socked Emilia in the gut when I saw Reinhardt fall. And if I did that to her, nothing short of a kick-to-the-nuts would get you off my ass in that situation. Guaranteed."

Subaru found an opportunity to smile. "You didn't go that far, thankfully."

"That's one grimey silver lining, bro. And I woulda died if she didn't follow me instead o' goin' to where Garf was roarin' away, which she only did 'cause you—"

"No. Don't do that." That hopeless, inconsolable strain of guilt. "Don't think like this." The kind that came with blood on one's hands—no one deserved to feel this if Subaru could help it. "I tried getting Felix across the district, once, but we were too late that time. Reinhardt was beyond saving by that point—"

"I know that!" Felt's chin wobbled. "I know that! Idiot… But still! It feels like I'm still losing him because of my own dumbass fault!"

"F-Felt—"

"Him… and you. " She squeezed her eyes shut, forehead falling into her palm. "How many times, bro?"

No. No more of that talk. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does."

"No, really. However many times I died, they were always on me, Felt. Nothing you did—"

She slapped the bar. "Don't bullshit about this! You're just tryna do the Natsuki-thing on me, aren'cha?!"

Subaru huffed. "'The Natsuki-thing?'"

"I'm being serious! " Felt screamed, flushed for three different reasons. "This's how you use your curse, huh?! S'that it?! To prod and pry until you know everyone's darkest—?!"

Subaru couldn't hide his disgust if he tried. " Why the hell would I tell you about this power if that was ever my goal, ya moron?!"

Felt cried out, scratching her hair as she turned, turning in a circle until facing Subaru again. "Naw! No! There's no way you're that much of a goodie-goodie! I don't believe it!"

And Subaru took a breath, only to choke on it. "Well, there ya go!"

"Wh-what?"

He threw his hand—and stump—up. "That's that! I got no way of proving otherwise if you tell me differently!"

"Wh-huh?! Bro, this—! This's the part where you go off in some weird, wise spiel that makes enough sense for me to trust ya!"

That almost made Subaru sound like an actual protagonist, like a hero that always knew what he was doing. "Well, sorry to disappoint ya. I only ever spiel-away when I understand what I'm talking about—or, am tricking myself into believing that I do. Enough to get me on my feet."

"Man," she rasped. Felt sniffled, cleared her throat of hoarseness. "'The Natsuki thing' is turning out to be a huge letdown."

Subaru found a window to interject some lightheartedness and he took it: "What even is 'the Natsuki thing' you keep mentioning? S'that another meme?"

"H'ah. One exclusive to the guys you've 'Returned' again and again to save." Felt smiled, sudden and hapless, at Subaru's confused look. "The way you always come prepared with weird, moving speeches. Guess that's another side effect of your curse, though."

Subaru flushed, sighing. "Yeah. Sadly, it doesn't make me into a great speaker right out the gate."

"And we've always found that so weird," Felt snickered, "considering you're not a wordsmith ninety-percent o' the time!"

"Wait, does everyone think that about me?!" Subaru received cackling in response; God only knows what she and Emilia, and whoever else, spoke about when they met every month. "So embarrassing!" Instead of thinking about the Witches and their impending doom, Subaru recalled all the jabs yesterday about him being "the King of Cool." He laughed to himself. "For God's sake," he laughed, "why is my brain like this?" Why couldn't it ever focus on what was most important?

"It's fine, though." Felt spoke while smiling to herself. "It's thanks to your power, sure. But the things you'd say in those big moments, embarrassing yourself, audience or no… Well, hey, look at the bright side, bro: now I'm sure you know what'cher talkin' about! I didn't doubt'cha before, but now that I know you've croaked a dozen times, every time somethin' happened?" Felt smiled uneasily. "Well, that's just it. You never talked outta yer ass; you were really speaking from experience… Man," she exhaled, "that counts for somethin' in my book."

Felt's appraisal, after everything she threw his way, left Subaru feeling pathetically self-satisfied. "I guess…" Sadly, it wasn't going to count for much against the Witches of Sin, who were compelled to slaughter if the loop was deemed a wash. "F-Felt, um, there's… something else I wanna—"

"Just—! O-one thing, one more thing…" Felt fidgeted as she avoided his gaze, as teary-eyed and ruddy-cheeked as she was over a year ago, when Subaru and Emilia covered her in his old jacket. "Before we get into somethin' messed up again, I just hafta know…"

"Yes…?"

"Have I—? That night, when Emilia won the Royal Selection, were there any times where I—? Err…"

"Y-yeah." Subaru realized where Felt was getting at, and smiled. "Reinhardt was inconsolable in his last moments, those times where you… stayed glued to his side. No matter what. Even burned to a crisp like he was." The smell was as memorable as the emotions Subaru had witnessed—another side effect of Return by Death.

"H'ah…" Felt blinked the glossiness away. "You know, in a terrible sorta way, that makes me happy. To know he still cared. That much, I mean—I mean, it's Reinhardt —"

"But even his compassion has its limits." Subaru nodded in understanding. "I wasn't surprised, though. Reinhardt had a soft spot for ya, even after you cussed 'im out."

"Guess I shouldn't be surprised either. But, I mean, like with his old man, a-and Old Man Wil! Reinhardt could hold a grudge!"

"Ah, Old Man Wil…"

"I… don't suppose you coulda saved him from old age." They shared a chuckle, one that ended with a heaviness weighing Felt's frown and Subaru's guts. "So… there was something else?"

"Err, yeah."

Felt blew out air, drumming the bartop. "'Kay, okay. Lay it on me, bro. I doubt this'll top what you just told me."

Subaru had his doubts as he took a deep breath, ready to begin.

A Confession That Will Never Happen Again

"Dammit!" Subaru ran over the trail of bloody footprints. "Dammit! Dammit!" He ran through the ache in his lungs, the burn beneath his bare feet—their bloody slaps against the capital's cobblestone streets matching those he followed.

Felt's, who took off with the speed of the wind, her Divine Protection, without her shoes, much less proper clothes. She'd barely heard him out; no, she heard everything he had to say. This was Felt's response: tattling to the teacher, essentially.

This's what you were expecting, wasn't it, Sekhmet?! Subaru ran. "Damn it all!" He ran against the pain, the aches everywhere inside and out; he ran for a silhouette, jagged against the purpling-orange sky—Lugnica Castle.

When Subaru found the ground dragon stablehouse from the last loop, he jacked a mount, ignoring the pull of guilt as he made off without so much as a note, or a coin pouch for that matter.

Subaru rode hard over Felt's bloody trail, towards the castle, refusing to think about the scene that awaited him.