Going Stir Crazy

Skye tried to shake off her dark mood as she walked down the semi-empty hall of the Playground but nothing was working. She'd tried meditating (that was a bust), watching one of her favorite comedy shows on Netflix (not even a flicker of amusement) and even scrolling through puppy and kitten videos. Nothing, not even an awww. After pacing for a while, she changed into workout clothes, tied back her hair and left the confines of her room, determined to find something that would make her feel better.

Despite the fact that she was headed to the gym and not to some boring meeting or dangerous mission, the scowl remained glued to her face. If anything, it seemed to deepen the more she tried to talk herself out of it. She wasn't the only one who noticed either. Although Skye's general reputation was of someone upbeat and fun, whenever a foul mood struck her, it was terrible to behold. And her foul moods had been more frequent of late. That's why her coworkers practically melted out of her path whenever they noticed The Scowl of Doom.

The Playground wasn't its usual bustling self these days, a fact that had irritated Skye quite a bit for the last several weeks. She preferred to be busy because then she could keep her mind on other matters and not on how she felt. Down time, especially during the last several months, meant more time feeling her emotions and they were all over the place. This pandemic is the pits!

In her more rational moments, Skye understood that she and her colleagues were lucky. They still had jobs and were getting paid, no one had contracted the virus, and they had plenty of food and space. But it was boring as hell and she was over it. There also was something else, an emotion she couldn't quite put her finger on, plaguing her.

She entered the gym, grimacing at how crowded it was. Since most missions were cancelled and there wasn't a lot to do otherwise (there're only so many times you can do inventory), working out was a popular activity. Fortunately, no one was currently using the punching bag. She headed in that direction, wanting something to punish.

I'm so sick of seeing the same people! Skye thought as she punched the bag viciously. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see her colleagues telegraphing to each other to stay as far away from her as possible. Good! But even as she was pleased by their acknowledgement of her bad mood, she despised them for it too. Cowards! Skye landed a particularly brutal punch on the bag. Ward wouldn't have been afraid; he would've made me spar with him or something.

The thought brought her up short and she briefly halted her punching. Ward. Try as she might to avoid it, he was constantly in her thoughts. She could almost hear him correcting her form, exasperated that she wasn't taking his training seriously enough. The bastard was even making regular appearances in her dreams. And they were good ones too, a fact she noted with embarrassment. Sure, he was hot. Everyone agreed on that. But he was also a traitor, someone utterly without loyalty, morality or compassion.

Skye burst into an unrestrained flurry of punches. The movement felt good, satisfying, as though she was beating an enemy. It was even better when she yelled her fury at the very end. But even that didn't touch her bad mood. Ignoring the startled glances of her coworkers, she abruptly left the punching bag, feeling a pang as she unwrapped her hands. Skye stomped over to the treadmill, glared a lower level staffer off the equipment – not feeling even a shred of guilt for interrupting his workout – and started running at as fast a speed as she could manage. Maybe if she pushed herself to the limit, she could drown out her disloyal thoughts, the ones that admitted the complaints about Ward were unfair and running a bit thin.

It had been months since the battle at Cybertech. In the weeks following those events, Skye worked hard at keeping thoughts about what happened at bay but, eventually, she wore herself down and started reliving them. She repeatedly recalled her taunts to Ward for not being a decent human being and for being weak. She cringed as she played telling him she hoped Garrett would order him to walk into traffic over and over in her head.

And then there were the what ifs. What if when he'd talked about wanting something for himself, she'd said something different, something more compassionate? Would that have swayed him from his Hydra path? Would that have brought them closer, enough so that they wouldn't have lost each other? What if she'd let him know that she was into him too? Would that have made a difference? He'd obviously wanted to connect with her; he'd practically said as much.

But no. She'd been too angry to even consider that he needed her help, that maybe the great Grant Ward was more lost than she was. Even worse than remembering what she'd said to him was recalling the look in his eyes after she'd said it. Ward always did have a great poker face but she'd focused solely on his eyes. The look of pain in them cut her to the bone. And once Skye finally rummaged through his history, discovering the whole sordid tale of his family and his ties to Garrett, it was like he'd punched her in the gut and followed it up with a kick to the face. Ward may have been a super soldier but Grant was a victim.

Skye ran even faster, surprising herself at the speeds she was reaching. In the back of her mind, she realized she was punishing herself for not being a better person and that she would seriously regret it later. But she didn't care. The few, carefully chosen teammates she shared her guilt with kept telling her that her feelings were normal. He'd kidnapped her, played on her feelings for him and then made what sounded like a threat. Why should she have been kind? She was just defending herself! But Skye knew better. She'd never been frightened of him. Even as Grant was advancing upon her with a gun, talking about waking up something inside of her, she hadn't been scared. Maybe excited, definitely angry, but never afraid. She knew he wouldn't hurt her.

But they'd never gotten the chance to end that conversation. May tackled him and the two of them commenced a Battle Royale in the next room. Skye hadn't seen Grant since. Part of her wished they'd captured him, that she could've been able to say everything she wanted to say. Maybe she could've convinced him of the errors of his ways and he could atone for his sins. After all, his skill set was unparalleled. If Grant was willing to work for them again, she suspected SHIELD – especially Fury and the Avengers – would be willing to take him back.

But another part – the more realistic part of her – was glad he'd escaped. Skye had never, not even once, let on that she felt this way. Whenever the group listed off their complaints about Grant, Skye's voice was the loudest. She was sincere in her anger towards him initially but, after a few weeks – and especially after she learned his backstory – her feelings changed. But the same couldn't be said for her colleagues. Their level of animosity towards Grant was so high that his capture would've been a disaster. Her mind dwelt briefly on the vault cells in the basement, certain that's where they would've put him to rot. And she didn't want that for him. No matter what he'd done, he didn't deserve that hell.

Skye didn't know exactly how he'd escaped. True to form, May wouldn't say a lot about her fight with Grant. When Skye asked what happened, May told her in clipped sentences that when she'd told Grant that Garrett was in danger (probably goading him with that information), it was like he'd gotten a shot of adrenaline. He'd knocked her into some equipment, then raced out of the door like a bat out of hell. By the time May ran into the hallway to follow him, he was gone. Coulson added what he knew: Grant barged into the room where Garrett died, took one look at the corpse and fled. It all happened so fast that none of the men in the room even had time to react.

Afterwards, SHIELD – Coulson in particular – tried hard to find Grant but he was a ghost. He hadn't popped up in any groups like Hydra or AIM. No major crime syndicate seemed to have heard of him. The expectation that he'd be on the grid was low but regular checks showed no sign of Grant Ward or any of the aliases they knew about. Some speculated that he'd died but no body had been found. But just when they thought they'd never hear from him again, a number of calls came in over several weeks, directing them to a varying set of coordinates.

The areas specified always led to a remote location where a series of Hydra operatives, major criminals, and dangerous weapons (some initially stolen from the Hydra raid of the Fridge) lay waiting for SHIELD, all trussed up and packaged beautifully for pickup. Each pickup was accompanied by a piece of paper that said Compliments of Grant Ward. Coulson and the team were disgusted by his arrogance but Skye found the calling cards both interesting and somewhat charming. Here was evidence for anyone wanting to see that Grant wasn't a lost cause, that he did still want to be a hero. But if anyone other than Skye held that opinion, they were keeping it quiet.

The speed of the treadmill suddenly started decreasing. Skye looked down in surprise, wondering if the machine was malfunctioning or if she'd accidentally turned it down. It was only then that she noticed Bobbi standing next to her. She'd been the one to slow the machine down.

Bobbi gave her an apologetic smile. She clearly wasn't looking for a fight. "You're going to hurt yourself, running that fast for so long," she said lightly. "I was worried."

Skye nodded, jumping off the treadmill after the belt slid her to the back. She bent over, putting her hands on her knees as she caught her breath. She must've been deeply engrossed in her own thoughts not to have noticed Bobbi's approach. She could almost hear Grant's voice scolding her for her lack of situational awareness. Bite me! Skye took the bottle of water Bobbi handed her with a nod and gulped thirstily, the cool water refreshing as it raced down her throat.

She wiped the water off her lips with the back of her arm. "Thanks," she said as she tossed the bottle in the recycling bin. She smiled half-heartedly at Bobbi. "I guess I wasn't paying attention."

Bobbi laughed easily but Skye could tell that she was watching her closely. "I'll say! I tried talking to you three times before I decreased the speed."

Skye shrugged. "I have a lot on my mind."

"Like what? Please tell me because I could use the distraction. We've been in lockdown for 60 days and haven't had a mission for even longer than that! I'm about to go crazy!"

Skye's smile was weak. There was no way she was going to tell Bobbi what she was thinking! "It wasn't anything big. Just a way to keep myself sane." She threw a towel around her neck and started walking toward the hallway. Maybe Bobbi would take the hint and leave her alone soon.

"Tell me about it," Bobbi groaned, following after her, oblivious to (or pretending to be) Skye's desire for her to go away. "Rumor has it that some of the agents in the Seattle base dyed their hair purple and made a huge mess doing it. Coulson's about to have a fit."

Skye chuckled. "Is that something you'd want to do? Seeing a Coulson meltdown might be worth it."

Bobbi fake shuddered. "No, absolutely not. Dying my hair black to get in with Hydra was bad enough."

"Well, if you change your mind, let me know," Skye said breezily, coming to a dead stop and turning towards Bobbi. She backed away slowly. "I'm next in line for a supply run and I could easily get hair dye!" she called out as she quickly turned on her heel and headed to her room at a trot. Ha! Bobbi couldn't follow her now without turning it into a confrontation.

Skye felt a surge of satisfaction and glee at outsmarting Bobbi. Her friend probably just wanted to talk to ease her own boredom but Skye didn't feel up to it. She wondered why such a simple interaction – talking with someone who'd become a close friend – was something she wanted to avoid so badly. Normally, she would've been first in line for a traditional girl gabfest. As she stepped into the shower, Skye realized that pushing herself hard at the gym and outsmarting Bobbi was the most emotion she'd felt in weeks. With that, she was back to being depressed.