"Think of you"
Chapter 1: Lonely hearts
The coldness and humidity were taking over that morning in the mostly sunny San Jose city. The rain had been coming and going for several days now, causing the inhabitants of the city to be under a dim and depressing grey light.
Shaun closed his eyes tight, grabbing his bag against his chest while hearing the sound of the bus engine, and thinking that he definitely prefered sunny and warm mornings instead… just like the one when Lea gave him her first true love kiss.
Now that memory seemed so far away.
He opened his eyes and stared outside of the window, making the mental count that this was the tenth time he thought of Lea since he woke up.
Determined to clear his mind, the young surgeon searched for his earbuds in his bag. The trip was far from ending and he thought it was convenient to get distracted because the sound of the engine was becoming a bit annoying.
As he was fitting the earbuds he thought of Lea again, because she was the one who taught him to enjoy music.
Shaun froze, and looked at the back of the seat in front of him attentively. His mind then sentenced it was the eleventh time he thought of her.
He held his cell phone tightly and tried to see through the tarnished window of the bus trying to distinguish the faces of the people walking down the street to find a new distraction.
Lea kept invading his thoughts, provoking diverse feelings that would wander from sadness, confusion and longing. However, this last feeling had been staying more present with him during the last few weeks
The past five years, Shaun Murphy had built many things and achieved goals that he never expected to achieve as a professional but also as a person. His efforts to prove his worth had been successful, he learned of his colleagues and patients, his relationship with Dr. Glassman was strong and he fell in love with Lea with whom he was able to see a future with.
But since a month ago everything that he had accomplished during those years was shaking and Shaun felt completely lost and hurt. He was, once again, dealing with terrible losses and facing new situations, the death of a baby and the solitude made him fall in a bitter silence.
He kept his earbuds and cellphone in his bag. Giving up, because nothing he would do there would be enough to distract him from the dark moments he had to face in such a short time. He closed his eyes and noticed that in about ten minutes he would be arriving at his destination.
Ten long minutes… where he thought of Lea once again.
He didn't understand the reasons why his girlfriend had changed his scores. To him it was important to improve, to trust in his abilities like he has always done it…
It's that she doesn't trust him anymore?
He felt betrayed by the most important person in his life. But he was also feeling so alone, because she had decided to leave the apartment.
Lea's decision took him by surprise. Shaun was still very angry at her, and had not hesitated in his decision to call the wedding off despite how much his girlfriend tried to convince him otherwise.
-But we love each other…- she repeated with a trembling voice every time they had the chance to talk, in an infertile attempt to make him change his mind.
No… he definitely couldn't marry her. All the trust they had built since they were friends had gone in a couple of days and Shaun just couldn't believe that there was a way to gain that back.
However, that firm decision was about to crack when, exactly two weeks ago, Lea was waiting for him with her bags packed, ready to leave.
She was holding the cowbell in one of her hands, the one that symbolized the promise of always letting the other know when they were going in different ways. As soon as she saw him she rang it softly.
-I won't insist anymore… I'm not going to force anything…- she said looking directly into his eyes. You could say she had been crying because her eyes were noticeably swollen- you can't force love Shaun and I think we need time away to think. It's too painful for me to feel ignored, to sleep alone and to feel I'm being punished; because to be under the same roof together and not being able to be with you, to touch you…- she sighed and leaned forward catching a breath and avoiding to break into tears- I'm very sorry for what I did… but I just can't take it anymore.
Lea left the cowbell on the kitchen island, her breathing increasing as her pain grew. It was hard for her to say everything she was feeling, but she needed to do it. She knew Shaun saw things differently and it would take a while for him to process everything and to be honest, even though how sad she was, she wanted to believe that a light at the end of the tunnel could appear for them.
Was this the end of their relationship? Shaun asked himself, panicking for the first time, measuring the consequences of calling the wedding off. The event was canceled, but that could also mean that their relationship might come to an end forever too.
Reality struck him and he was completely invaded by fear.
Lea noticed the complexity in his face and spite of her own pain she added:
-This is not the end… and I want you to know that. I haven't given up on you- she started grabbing her bags- I will stay at Jordan's for a couple of days.
Shaun was always surprised by Lea's ability to answer exactly what he was questioning internally. He knew it was impossible for her to read his mind but somehow she did it.
-For how long?- Shaun asked, his voice was shaking as he put his hands together, massaging his fingers anxiously.
-I think that for a month is a good time- Lea answered, meditating on her response. She knew that Shaun needed to have certain deadlines in order to be calm.
-Lea… I... - He mumbled the moment she opened the front door.
-Shaun… I just want to make sure that we will think things through, calmly, without insisting, without fighting. Like I told you, this is not the end, but there is a lot to work on. We will have time alone to really see what we want and make the best decision for both of us in the end. I'm not giving up on you… but it seems like you are…- Lea added sadly, her sweet hazel eyes filled with tears.
Shaun felt the ground under him was disappearing… just like that time when he yelled at her to go back to Hershey because the fear of seeing her leave the first time caused him unbearable pain.
Now that pain was coming back, and it was more intense if that was possible
Shaun sat slowly on the green sofa of his apartment, feeling a sudden shiver down his spine. He wrapped a blanket over his shoulders and stared at the off TV, with no intention of turning it on to watch the weather Channel as it was his daily routine when he arrived from work. Many thoughts were invading his head at the moment and felt that it was needed to put them in order.
Yes… it was painful to see Lea leave and to feel alone.
But the pain over the betrayal of their trust was there too…
How could he deal with such mixed feelings? A part of him wanted to hold her and to be intimate with her again… but the other part was so hurt that was welcoming him to dive into that well known solitude, the one which was his companion until he met Lea.
How could he continue loving her if she did what she did and hide it from him for so many days?
Shaun always felt a pinch of pride every time he entered the hospital. To work in a place so prestigious meant to be considered as a valuable doctor, besides that place was his main refuge when other aspects of his life were shaking.
Like right now.
However, nowadays the hospital represented the total opposite of that: he was feeling insecure, afraid to say anything wrong or make an involuntary mistake. Besides, Salen Morrison, the hospital director, was following his every step because the institution was facing a serious lawsuit for malpractice and he, sadly, was involved in the fatal destiny of the baby.
Every time he thought about the incident he tried to avoid recalling the feeling he had when he saw the expired medicine, the ones that could have saved the baby. Sometimes, he had nightmares and hated to wake up in the middle of the night alone, sad and anxious.
But still Shaun was brave. And he managed to leave his lonely apartment each day and go to work. Everyone noticed he was more taciturn than usual, and they were all really worried when news about the cancelation of the wedding came.
They thought that it was better to leave him alone, because after trying to talk to him all they got in response was his indifference. Glassman started their old routine of having breakfast together again, but was waiting for his surrogate son to initiate a conversation on the subject.
Shaun was accepting the longest shifts at the ER to distract himself from all the things that were happening in his life. So that morning, he sent a text and apologized to Dr. Glassman, and didn't have breakfast with him.
-Shaun!- Dr. Asher Wolke called his name out loud as soon as he saw him entering the ER.- I'm so glad you arrived… we are very busy here, can you go to Box 9? I'm discharging a patient but I will be right there with you in a bit..
Shaun looked at his colleague slightly annoyed. He knew that Lim had asked for him to not attend patients alone, but he also understood that this was a measure to avoid having problems with Salen
He opened the curtains and saw a thin, very pale old man who was coughing a lot. Next to him there was a young man, around his own age, who was checking on the older man with concern.
-Good morning, I'm Dr. Shaun Murphy…- He said, his voice shaking, nervous… he was fearing that even by greeting a patient he would make a mistake.
-Good morning doctor- the younger man answered since the patient couldn't stop coughing and breathing heavily- I'm bringing my father… he has been like this for several days and didn't want to come to the ER. ,
-Muchacho escandaloso (You are exaggerating boy)- the man said with a deep voice and in Spanish. Shaun looked at him directly and felt comfortable because he knew the language- estaré bien en unos días… es sólo un resfrío… (I'll be fine in a couple of days… it 's just a cold) - the patient could barely speak because the cough attack started again, worse than the last time. .
Shaun examined him carefully, noticing his evident breathing difficulty.
-Have you been exposed to the silica sand during the past years?- Shaun asked suddenly in perfect Spanish.
They were both surprised and the patient smiled kindly.
-Oh well… you know Spanish… I'm so glad, the English language was making me feel dizzy already- the patient said- my name is Gabriel Muñoz and this is my son, Víctor.
-We are from Chile- Víctor added- I have been living in the USA and a couple of months ago I was able to bring my father here to live with me… What is silica sand?
Asher entered the room with his eyes wide open expecting to find something odd but when he saw Shaun calm he felt more relaxed too.
-It's a chemical emitted from mining, glass factories and the construction of bridges and buildings. Its inhalation is highly dangerous for the lungs…- Shaun answered and stopped before mentioning the different diagnosis that he could think of when speaking of this, deathly diseases mostly, even cancer was one of them.
Once Víctor translated what Shaun explained, Gabriel laid on the stretcher, closing his eyes
-I worked in a factory for many years- he said, his voice sounded fatigued and sad- so many years working for a very miserable pension… the doctor must be right… I never wore a protective mask and I was always carrying dust around when I arrived home… Do you remember Víctor? Your mom always protested that everything was dirty.
-Be careful papá… - Víctor replied looking at Shaun and Asher alarmed.
-We have to carry on some exams- Asher added after introducing himself- what Doctor Murphy said could be one of many possibilities but we have to discard them all to get to the diagnosis.
Víctor translated Asher's words while Shaun was putting his hands together anxiously, he knew that he was right and that was the final diagnosis… but preferred to remain quiet.
And that made him feel a little bit cranky.
It was almost noon and Lea was still working on her computer. She had barely drunk her cup of coffee and she had been trying to focus on work to avoid thinking about the sad commitments she had to attend during the morning, like canceling the place where the reception of the wedding was going to be held.
At least to live with Jordan brought her certain peace and she was thankful for that. Without her kindness she would be living alone and with an emerging depression.
Jordan made sure to make Lea feel like she was home. She received her as if she was her younger sister and for her bewilderment, Jordan declared to dislike Shaun with her entire heart now.
-He can be an incredible doctor, but he needs a reality check stat- the young resident said one night they were eating burgers and fries.
-Relax Jordan… - Lea answered tiredly- Shaun is confused…
-Stop defending him- Jordan replied giving her a sharp look- but…I won't say more, I can see you are still madly in love with him and well this is your problem not mine. But, I will support you no matter the decision you make, you know that.
Lea closed her computer and her eyes. She sighed and the sadness appeared once again remembering that noon used to mean to have lunch with Shaun, but now she had to eat alone in some corner of the cafeteria. Sometimes Jordan or Asher used to be her companions and she really appreciated that.
Suddenly she felt someone else's eyes set on her and she opened hers alarmed, she looked around but she could verify she was totally alone and no one was at the entrance of her office.
-Wow… I'm going crazy now- she thought and stood up grabbing her phone to go to lunch and try to gain some energy for the rest of the day.
Shaun was heavily breathing, walking fast through the hallways of the hospital, he was tremendously anguished, and that feeling was taking, slowly, every part of his heart.
The reason for this sudden pain and confusion had nothing to do with the patient that arrived in the ER this morning.
Once the clock was set at noon, and without hesitation, he started walking towards Lea's office. He was used to doing so, it was his routine.
And so he saw her…
He noticed that her rosy cheeks were pale. Her hair, beautiful and wild, was held in a ponytail and her soft hands were intertwined resting on top of the desk.
He really missed the softness of her hands...
Time stood still and he felt the rush to enter, hug her and never let her go.
But confusion and pain were stronger and he escaped in an instant before she could open her eyes and see him looking at her.
His phone rang and he was startled.
-Hi Shaun. Would you like to have lunch together?-
The text was from Dr. Glassman...
Shaun sighed and confirmed the invitation.
-I thought of Lea eleven times today since I left the apartment until I arrived at work- Shaun declared interrupting the common silence they used to share when having lunch with Glassman.
The experienced doctor stopped eating and looked at him surprised. The last time Shaun had mentioned Lea was when he told him that she had left the apartment temporarily, and he didn't dare to ask further that time because Shaun remained quiet and he knew that probably he needed time to process things and should be patient for when he will be ready to talk.
-You want to talk about Lea?- Glassman inquired using his softest voice tone.
-To think about her is bad… .makes me nervous and anxious- Shaun replied frowning and leaving the cutlery on his plate, he had barely eaten.
-Shaun… The situation you are experiencing with Lea is very unfortunate and you miss her. I know that you hate questions but I feel this is the right moment to make a couple of them… what do you need to do to stop feeling the way you feel?
Shaun remained quiet and looked directly at Glassman. His surrogate father was looking at him too, patiently waiting for his reply.
-Everything is so confusing…- Shaun said, intertwining his hands and lowering his sight to his plate.
-You have to make decisions, Shaun. Lea left for a month and that was a sacrifice… you both miss each other and need to talk.
-No, I don't want to talk to her- Shaun said interrupting- Lea made a mistake and it's hard for me to believe in her again.
-Shaun, trust is not like a glass that you can break and replace. It's something that you build with time… like a trip. You plan it but sometimes it alters and that doesn't mean that the essence is lost.
-What you say makes no sense at all- Shaun replied pushing his plate away and denying with his head.
-One of the things I have learned from you and from Lea too is that you can't discard people- Glassman said- you can't remove someone as important as Lea from your life. We all make mistakes, and you need to be more kind with you but with her too. I have known you for a while Shaun and I can tell you that I have never seen you so happy as when you are with Lea… I would love to see you like that again.
Shaun listened attentively to what Dr. Glassman was saying. He felt glum because memories of Lea waking up by his side and the happiness he felt everyday shared with her were running through his mind.
It was true. His life with Lea was wonderful and he feared losing that forever.
-You have to be honest with your feelings but also you need to understand the reasons behind Lea's actions - Glassman added and Shaun looked at him- and the sooner you do this, the better.
-But Lea doesn't trust me- he managed to say with teary eyes; in a perfect reflection of the deep struggle he was having- if we talk, I want her to be honest.
-Shaun, Lea has never not trusted you- Glassman clarified- she hated the lack of understanding and the awful words other people had for you… She knows that you have been rejected, criticized and discriminated against in the past. She hated what others wrote of your work as a doctor and she felt it was unfair. Lea has always been proud of you but sometimes we make mistakes trying to protect the people we love.
Many images were filling Shaun's mind as Glassman was speaking. He remembered years ago, when they were roommates, how Lea was jumping and screaming excited because he had gotten his first surgery.
Lea always believed in him and what he could achieve.
-I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her: Lea is the right person for you and you are the right person for her… you have been through so much together, overcome so many obstacles- Glassman stood up picking his tray and looked at him like a father to his son- Shaun… think about what you're doing, please. Don't let rage or sorrow blur your vision of what you have in life and the things that matter the most. Take this as advice from an old man who has made a lot of mistakes.
Shaun stayed sitting, alone and just meditating Glassman's words. He wanted to have more time to analyze the matter but he was interrupted by a text from Asher, his patient needed him.
-The results are not good at all Shaun, so Dr. Lim authorized us to leave him at the hospital and to evaluate his case for a couple of more days- Asher explained as soon as they met in the resident's lounge- I'm glad you speak Spanish it will be easier to communicate this that way- he added trying to cheer him up since Shaun didn't look so happy.
-I understand- Shaun said double checking Gabriel's blood tests- but all we can do is to provide him with a palliative treatment. Silicosis is an irreversible disease- he said with his typical bluntness.
Asher just looked at him, lifting his eyebrow.
-I know Shaun, and we have to tell everything to the patient- he added feeling discouraged.
Gabriel turned out to be a very admirable person. Despite the deathly diagnosis he was cheerful and kind, his attitude was so bright that he ended up raising his son's morale, who was in shock and extremely sad..
-Don't be sad Víctor… we are together and I have met good doctors- he said trying to make him feel better- this hospital looks nice… it won't be too expensive?
-Forget about it papá- the young man added almost in anger, but one that you could see was hiding a big concern.
-Is Víctor going to be able to come and see me any time?- Gabriel asked. Until now the conversation had been in Spanish, so Shaun was the only one able to answer.
-He can come at any time he wants but during the visiting hours- Shaun answered while Asher kept checking Gabriel's files.
-Thank you very much, oh, by the way… I have a special request to make… if it's not possible I would understand - Gabriel said, feeling the lack of air.
Shaun paid attention to him.
-Victor sings beautifully and everytime I hear him sing I feel peace… Can he bring his guitar and sing to me? He will be quiet, don't worry…
Asher was completely lost in translation but Shaun's face was of total confusion.
-Papá!- Víctor claimed- don't ask for those things
–What's going on? - Asher asked to know and once Shaun translated he smiled.
-I don't think it will be an issue- Asher said looking at Shaun- The hospital policies are always seeking to make the patients and their family members more comfortable.
After that, Shaun just stayed there thinking that the dialogue was not so interesting for him anymore. He checked his watch and noticed that there were long hours left to finish the shift, and all he wanted was to have some quiet time to think about everything Glassman had told him during their lunch.
-So… the software updates if I press this over here?- Jordan asked, checking at Lea's computer screen.
-Exactly, first you have to enter the keys correctly of course- Lea explained.
-Wow… this is brilliant- Jordan added- I have created some applications with other tools but this makes everything so much easier and it will be amazing for the new project I have in mind, thank you so much!
-You are welcome- Lea said- but now I should go back to my office…- she added while checking the resident's lounge.
-You have the right to be here too, this is part of your workplace- Jordan claimed, looking at her lifting her eyebrow- if Shaun comes, he can't tell you to leave.
-It's not about that- Lea said standing up- to me is painful to see him…
Lea couldn't finish when her worst fear came true.
Shaun entered with Asher into the lounge, and Dr. Wolke, who couldn't stop talking about the best treatment for Gabriel, just stopped talking as soon as he saw Jordan and Lea there.
A death silence was made, and the situation was uncomfortable, especially for Asher and Jordan.
Shaun and Lea looked each other intensively to each other's eyes and time just stood still for them.
She noticed that Shaun was thinner and with bags under his eyes. His blue eyes weren't sparkling… she thought that maybe something was wrong and he had issues with a patient again and all she wanted to do was to hug him and whisper that everything was going to be alright while hearing his heart beating in his chest.
But… she wasn't allowed to do that anymore.
Shaun couldn't take his eyes away from her and Glassman's words started ringing in his ears:
"Sometimes we make mistakes trying to protect the people we love"
She seemed fragile, vulnerable but as beautiful as always.
Lea was holding her tears back so she took her computer and left the room before she could shed any of them. When she passed by next to Shaun, he felt the smell of her perfume and a shiver runned through all his body.
-Hi Jordan- Asher said in a low, nervous voice.
-Hi Asher- she replied, crossing her arms and giving Shaun the coldest look.
The young surgeon was so taken aback by his encounter with Lea that was completely unaware of the cold treatment Jordan was giving him and all he could do was to sit on a chair in silence and muss up his hair slightly.
-Unbelievable- Jordan said without being able to keep it for herself anymore.
-Jordan… I think is not the right time- Asher said panicking
-It's always a good time to say the truth Dr. Wolke- She added- How long are you going to have Lea like that?
Shaun looked at her with his eyes wide open
His colleagues were always very soft and patient when talking to him but now Jordan was being harsh.
-You know what? Doesn't matter- she said while standing up and raising her finger to him- I'm just going to tell you one thing Dr. Murphy, you should be thankful of having a woman like that by your side, she loves you so damn much that she risked everything for you… her mistake can cause her to lose her entire career.
Asher was speechless while Jordan stormed dramatically out of the room.
Shaun was thinking that two people had said similar stuff that day…
But why was it so hard to understand?
The next day Shaun found a smiling Gabriel who, despite being connected to several devices, was in a great mood.
-Victor is about to arrive and he will bring his guitar- he said enthusiastically while Shaun was checking his vital signals register and providing some medicine.
-Hmmm- he hummed in response, focused on his job.
-I'm sorry to bother you- Gabriel said, noticing that his doctor wasn't in the mood to talk- it's just that few people I know speak Spanish…
-Why are you so happy when you know you are dying from a terrible disease?- Shaun asked
-I'm an old man and I'm thankful. I wasn't rich but I had a beautiful family. I made good and bad choices. There is only one thing I regret and that is not telling my wife I loved her more often, I should have said it every day but I didn't… she's gone now and I miss her so much, but my children and grandchildren are my treasure.
Víctor entered the room just when Gabriel was finishing his speech. He was carrying a guitar case. He said hi to Shaun and then grabbed his father's hand tenderly, to sit next to him.
-How are you feeling?- Víctor asked softly.
-Fine… -Gabriel replied, shaking his hands in the air- play something for me please… and if the doctor wants he can stay and listen… my son's voice reaches the soul… you'll see.
Shaun saw Víctor getting a shiny brown guitar out of the case. And out of curiosity decided to stay a while to hear.
"I remember every important thing that has ever happened to me based on what song I was listening to at the time"
Lea's voice echoed in his ears and he felt the need to experience that.
-Play my favorite song, you know what it is- Gabriel said smiling.
Víctor started playing gracefully and the chords sounded so smoothly that Shaun thought it was a very nice sound.
"When I go to work
I think of you,
through the neighborhood streets
I think of you,
when I watch the faces
through the tarnished glass
not knowing who they are, where they go.
I think of you,
my dear, I think of you.
Of you, companion of my days,
and of the future
of the bitter hours
and the luck of being able to live,
working the start of a story
without knowing the end…"
Shaun listened to the lyrics accompanied by the beautiful voice. His mind analyzed them and was surprised to notice that it reminded Lea… and his love for her.
He intertwined his hands and couldn't believe that something so simple could make him feel the way he was feeling. He knew that it was true, Lea was always there and he couldn't stop thinking about her, he never did it and he knew that to lose her would be the biggest mistake of his life.
"When the shift ends
and the evening goes
stretching its shadow
over the stork
and on returning from the job
arguing among friends
explaining problems
of this time and fate,
I think of you,
my dear, I think of you.
Of you, companion of my days,
and of the future
of the bitter hours
and the luck of being able to live,
working the start of a story
without knowing the end..."
Lea was his friend, his companion, his lover and just a few weeks ago they were planning a lifetime together as a married couple. Something he had broken during one of his darkest moments. He remembered her smile, her caresses, her eyes with that sight reserved only for him and her voice. And he could acknowledge that his life without her had lost its joy.
Just like the song described it...
" When I arrive at home
you are there,
and we fasten the dreams...
Working the start of a story
without knowing the end.".
But now Lea was not there… two weeks and one day ago his apartment had become dull without her loving and warm presence.
Was this the end of their story?
Víctor finished the song and Gabriel clapped. Shaun was too shocked and he could barely react, overwhelmed by the terrible possibility of losing Lea forever.
-Thank you for staying and listening to my son, Doctor Murphy- Gabriel said laying down on the bed- maybe I shouldn't say this, call me a crazy old man… but I can see when someone 's heart is broken over distance or longing… life is short, think about it.
Shaun left the room, thinking that he would never forget that song and Gabriel's words.
He sighed and determined, he walked directly towards Lea's office, he finally knew what he had to do.
Shaun forgot all conventional rules. He didn't knock on the door, he simply entered waiting to see Lea sitting at her desk , like always.
But that didn't happen because Salen was in Lea's chair instead.
Shaun stood still and frightened looking at his boss.
-You won't find Lea here- she said, staring at Shaun with the coldest of eyes- she just resigned- the blond woman added, shaking a letter with her right hand.
Author's note:
Víctor Jara Martínez (1932-1973).
He was a Chilean musician, songwriter, professor, writer and theater director. A very important artist of the popular musical and social movement called "New Chilean songs", and he is considered a referent for Latin American music. He was murdered during the dictatorship in Chile but his legacy remains until today. Víctor always sang about love, justice, childhood and life in the Chilean countryside. Through this story, I wanted to honor him and to remember one of his most beautiful love songs "When I go to work".