THE DAILY PROPHET 1981
REJOICE! THE WAR'S END!
1 August 1981
"…Many long years of fighting have finally come to an end with the defeat of You-Know-Who…Many of his followers have gone underground, whilst those in custody are claiming to be under the Imperius Curse when such atrocities were committed by their hands…The public outrages at the pardons of notable Death Eaters…"
"…Following a prophecy that resulted in the hospitalisations of Frank and Alice Longbottom, You-Know-Who travelled to the Potter's residence and mercilessly slaughtered both James and Lily Potter, who have been in hiding for most of the year. Their young son, Harold J. Potter, only a year in age, was able to survive the Killing Curse with the aid of his mother's magic…"
"…Harold J. Potter is thought to be the only mage alive to survive the Killing Curse in such close quarters, especially given his young age…Many suspect that this young wizard will grow into quite the sorcerer one day…Sources say that traces of an old and ancient blood ritual could be found in the home, leading many to believe that the muggleborn mother turned to the Darkest Arts to protect her son…"
THE NEW YORK TIMES 1989
MIRACULOUS CHILDREN IN EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD
5 October 1989
"…On the twelfth hour of the first day of October 1989, 43 women around the world gave birth to several miraculous children. This was unusual only in the fact that none of these women had been pregnant when the day first began…"
"People all around the world are stupefied at these miracle children and are turning to higher authorities in search of help & guidance…Many are referring to these mothers as 'Virgin Marys' because of their previously barren states…Some religious groups are declaring this event as a gracious act of God…whilst others are preaching the beginnings of the Days of Judgment…"
"…Witness reports say that many of these children are beginning to show extraordinary powers of the supernatural kind. Tales of teleporting tots, nightmarish newborns and strong-armed sweethearts are bringing parents to their knees and conspiracy theorist to tears…"
"…Sir Reginald Hargreeves, eccentric billionaire & adventurer resolved to locate and adopt as many of these miracle children as possible. Of the 43 women that he approached with monetary offers, seven accepted…We at the New York Times, look forward to see what becomes of these miraculous children…"
THE DAILY PROPHET 1991
THE BOY WHO LIVED RETURNS TO WIZARDING BRITAIN
30 August 1991
"Eleven peaceful years have passed since the defeat of You-Know-Who and as this momentous occasion passes with the same usual fanfare, we at The Daily Prophet, welcome back our young hero, The Boy Who Lived with open arms…"
"…Spotted in the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley, the young wizard—accompanied by Hogwarts' Groundskeeper Rubeus Hagrid—was seen collecting his things for the new school year…Bets are already being placed as to which house the young wizard ends up in…"
THE QUIBBLER 1996
DEATH EATERS EMERGE FROM THE SHADOWS
30 June 1996
"…Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry was the scene of the most horrific nightmare last night. Following the Ministry of Magic's attempts to intercede on behalf of the school's teachings and silence the charming headmaster, a small contingency of Death Eaters were seen traipsing through the halls late one night and attacking anyone who stood in there way…"
"…Draco L. Malfoy, son of the regaled and former Death Eater Lucius Malfoy, was seen leading the pack towards the astronomy tower where they met the Headmaster…Sources say that Albus P.W.B. Dumbledore put up no fight when the Potions Master Severus Snape, struck him down…"
"…The Ministry of Magic may deny any rumours about the uprising of these dark wizards and the oncoming war, but know this, we of the light will forever fight to see tomorrow…By the tears of the phoenix, we will follow you, Chosen One, into battle and beyond!"
THE QUIBBLER 1998
THE CHOSEN ONE TRIUMPHS OVER THE DARK LORD!
9 May 1998
"A week has passed since the Battle of Hogwarts where many of our loved ones, children, friends and colleagues fought and died…The Golden Trio have been declared War Heroes and granted a stipend for their efforts in bringing down the Dark Lord Voldemort…Many are congratulating Harold J. Potter for his sacrifices during the war—even going so far as to willingly offer himself up to the Dark Lord, who in turn, killed the last unknown Horcrux settled within the Chosen One, himself and destroying himself…"
"…The once beautiful Hogwarts castle had been reduced to rubble during the battle, leaving many to also mourn the loss of their home-away-from-home…Headmistress Mcgonagall has issued an apology to the families and declared the school closed in the following school year for repairs…Saint Mungos Hospital for Magical Maladies & Injuries
is offering memory removal for the younger years who were forced to preform dark arts under the reign of Headmaster Severus Snape and the Death Eaters…"
"…Following the trends of the First Wizarding War, those Death Eaters and Dark Lord supporters who remain in custody have claimed to be under the Imperius Curse and without their own control, much to the outrage of the public…Many are calling for blood, retribution and vengeance through the newly reformed Ministry of Magic's justice system…Predictions of Azkaban to reach maximum capacity for the first time in decades…"
"…Tears are shed and a great blanket of grief now covers Wizarding Britain as we bury our beloved people…A memorial has been scheduled for Monday on Hogwarts' Isle of the Dead where a tomb of the Unknown Soldier will be erected alongside the late Headmaster Dumbledore…May we never forget their sacrifices…"
THE NEW YORK TIMES 2002
THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY DEBUTS IN CAPITAL WEST BANK ROBBERY
3 March 2002
"…At ten this morning, a group of heavily armed and masked men stormed the Capital West Bank on Maine & 6th, where they took an unknown number of hostages…Police have remained at an impasse whilst the negotiator was sent inside to meet demands and find a compromise…He has yet to return…"
"…Shots were fired inside the bank and it is uncertain if any of the hostages were harmed…Witnesses spotted movement upon the rooftop which suggested law enforcement trying a different tactic…a few moments later, one of the armed robbers was thrown through one of the banks' uppermost windows…and quickly brought into police custody…"
"…The hostages were later released from the bank, scared but unharmed…witnesses report seeing the interjection of six masked and uniformed young teens who moved about with surprising accuracy and skill as they taunted & defeated the robbers…Mentions of supernatural powers such as strength, mind control, teleportation, telekinesis and shapeshifting were seen…are these the Miraculous Children from 13 years ago?"
"…When questioned about these children, Sir Reginald Hargreeves, father & teacher, had this to say: 'Our world is changing—has changed—there are some among us who're gifted with abilities far beyond the ordinary. I have adopted six such children; the first is Luther, the second, Diego, the third is Allison, the fourth is Klaus, the fifth is Five and the sixth is Benjamin. I give you the inaugural class of the Umbrella Academy!'…Some however, have wondered about the mysterious seventh child who has yet to be revealed…"
"…When asked about the children's welfare, Sir Reginald Hargreeves stated that the parents were suitably compensated and that the children's welfare was his utmost priority…as was the fate of the world…The Police Commissioner has refused to comment on the matter…"
THE GUARDIAN 2003
WHERE IS NUMBER FIVE?
11 December 2003
"…As Christmas draws close, fans are mourning the loss of the young hero and the world is left wondering, 'Where is Number Five?'…Number Five of the Umbrella Academy, famed teleporter and young hero was last seen running from his childhood home with a deep scowl upon his face and muttering to himself…"
"…Many suspect the Sir Reginald Hargreeves had a hand in the young hero's disappearance…No missing persons report was filed by the family, casting a shadow of suspicion over the Academy…Whilst his father has labelled him as 'Missing in Action', his siblings have reported that the teleporter was fascinated with the prospects of time travel and all that it entailed…"
"Allison 'Number Three' Hargreeves, is noted as saying that whilst they all miss their genius brother, they still hold out hope that he will return home safe & sound…Pictured below is a computer generated image of Number Five as he was. If you have any information please contact The Guardian or the fan-run group known as Destiny's Children of Miracles. For more information go to: /The-Unknown-Umbrella-Children/Number-Five…"
PICTURED: NUMBER FIVE HARGREEVES, AGED 14 YEARS
THE GUARDIAN 2006
WORLD MOURNS: RIP BENJAMIN "NUMBER SIX" HARGREEVES
8 March 2006
"In Loving Memory…Benjamin 'Number Six' Hargreeves, 17, passed away on 7 March 2006 during the latest Umbrella Academy mission abroad…He is survived by his father, Sir Reginald Hargreeves, his brothers, Luther 'Number One' Hargreeves, Diego 'Number Two' Hargreeves, Klaus 'Number Four' Hargreeves and his sister Allison 'Number Three' Hargreeves…"
"…The funeral shall be held privately for the family at the Hargreeves Manor and they ask that the media & the public please respect their wishes for privacy…The memorial service will be performed at Greenwich Cemetery on 13 March 2006, at nine am for those of the public who wish to say their farewells to the quiet hero…Memorial donations may be made in Benjamin's name to the Hargreeves Foundation…"
"…Wreaths, ribbons, candle, flowers and messages of love have lined the exterior of the Umbrella Academy property since the news broke of the young hero's death…fans and family alike are mourning the loss of such a young life…and others are calling for the disbandment of the Umbrella Academy…bringing up the disappearance of Number Five some years previous, and now the death of Benjamin…Is Sir Reginald Hargreeves really fit to be a parent?"
PICTURED: BENJAMIN "NUMBER SIX" HARGREEVES, AGED 17 YEARS
THE QUIBBLER 2007
RITA SKEETER ARRESTED! SECRETS OF A WITCH REVEALED!
28 August 2007
"…Beloved Daily Prophet reporter and gossip queen, Rita Skeeter, was arrested today for violating the International Statute of Secrecy, as she was interviewing the Holyhead Harpies Quidditch team about their latest win and their standing in the upcoming tournament (see below for information about tickets)…"
"…With the discovery of the best-selling HARRY POTTER book series released to the Muggles under the pen name J.K. Rowling—a tell-all series centred around the Boy Who Lived & detailed much of the Wizarding World— the witch now finds herself in the interviewee's seat, in a surprising turn of events…"
"…Through several interrogations regarding the manner, other secrets about the witch have come to light such as her illegal status as an Animagi, several restraining orders that were ignored or burnt, cases of blackmail and an accusation involving War Heroine, Hermione J. Granger and a glass jar…"
THE NEW YORK TIMES 2012
THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
10 April 2012
"…Ten years later, and we find ourselves experiencing a bittersweet feeling as the last of the inaugural class of the Umbrella Academy graduates…At the age of 23 years, Luther 'Number One' Hargreeves has finally achieved his lifelong dream of space travel. The strongman leader has often spoken of his aspirations over the years and we are happy to see him finally achieve them…"
"Diego 'Number Two' Hargreeves, aged 23 years, is proud to be a member of the Class of 2015 at the New York City Police Training Academy (Pictured: Right) where he appears to be well-liked amongst his peers…and fostering a particularly close relationship with fellow cadet, Eudora Patch…"
"…Allison 'Number Three' Hargreeves was the youngest up & coming actress to hit it big on the silver screen when she first began, now 23 years old, she's still going strong…With the most renowned directors in her pocket, a gorgeous husband on her arm and a beautiful baby girl, we can only wonder what's next for the Hollywood starlet?"
"…As for Klaus 'Number Four' Hargreeves who has all but faded into obscurity since his Umbrella Academy days, sources say he can oft be found at the party scene, dancing with the gorgeous guys & gals of the night…or lounging in lawn chairs along the Prinsengracht with other hitchhikers and backpackers…"
"…To this day, Number Five has yet to return, leaving many to believe him long dead and buried…those who are still awaiting his fated return, lay wreaths and other tokens outside the Umbrella Academy every year, alongside those dedicated to Benjamin 'Number Six' Hargreeves, his deceased brother…"
THE NEW YORK TIMES 2015
VANYA "NUMBER SEVEN" HARGREEVES SPILLS ALL IN NEW BOOK!
2 July 2015
"…Vanya 'Number Seven' Hargreeves is well-known for her virtuosic skills as a violinist, as shown by her coveted placement of second chair in the Icarus Theatre Orchestra. Less known however, is the role she played as one of Sir Reginald Hargreeves' adopted children standing alongside—but never counted among—her infamous siblings of the Umbrella Academy…But with this newest book hitting the shelves in Spring, we will soon get a look behind the iron gates of the Academy and see just what type of antics our favourite heroes got up to as children!"
"Gerard Way, renowned musician and author, was lucky enough to get his hands on one of the earlier copies and he is quoted as saying that the book '…is an incredible read! It's a meaningful portal in the amazing life of Vanya Hargreeves and the life she lived under the umbrella…I couldn't put it down!"
"…Fans of the Umbrella Academy can't wait to get their hands on EXTRA ORDINARY: MY LIFE AS NUMBER SEVEN so they can finally find out what life was like inside the Hargreeves manor…with many promising to line up outside bookstores in preparation for the official book launch…We, at the New York Times, can only wonder how her siblings will react now that Number Seven has stepped out of the umbrella's shade and into the sunlight…"
THE DAILY PROPHET 2016
HARRY POTTER SPOTTED IN MUGGLE AMERICA!
3 September 2016
"…War Hero, Harold J. Potter, was spotted walking the streets of Muggle America these last few days, in particular a well-known culinary school that boasts several masters…The last known sighting of the Potter heir in Britain showed him being particularly close to the youngest Weasley and many speculated about a blossoming relationship between the two…"
"Rumours however say, that following the success of the Second Wizarding War, the Boy Who Lived opted to take his part of the stipend and complete his schooling overseas…Sources describe the wizard as particularly handy with a whisk and wooden spoon…Looks like the Chosen One has now added 'Chef' to his long list of titles…"
THE NEW YORK TIMES 2016
VANYA "NUMBER SEVEN" HARGREEVES GOES UP IN SMOKE
31 October 2016
"In Loving Memory…Vanya 'Number Seven' Hargreeves, 27, passed away on 29 October 2016 when a longtime hardcore Umbrella Academy fan broke into her apartment and set it ablaze. Although she survived the initial blast, she was eventually declared brain deda upon arriving at the hospital and later became a donor for those lucky few…"
"…She is survived by her father, Sir Reginald Hargreeves, her brothers, Luther 'Number One' Hargreeves, Diego 'Number Two' Hargreeves, Klaus 'Number Four' Hargreeves and her sister Allison 'Number Three' Hargreeves…"
"…The funeral shall be held privately for the family at the Hargreeves Manor and they ask that the media & the public please respect their wishes for privacy…The memorial service will be performed at Greenwich Cemetery on 1 November 2016, at nine am for those of the public who wish to say their farewells to the violinist…Memorial donations may be made in Vanya's name to the Hargreeves Foundation or the Icarus Theatre Music Programme …"
PICTURED: VANYA "NUMBER SEVEN" HARGREEVES, AGED 27 YEARS
THE DAILY PROPHET 2018
SQUIB HEIR REVIVES THE ANCIENT & MOST NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK
4 June 2018
"With the deaths of the young heir, Regulus A. Black and the previously disowned heir, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black III, the Ancient & Most Noble House of Black was believed to have fallen into obscurity, their fortune absorbed into the relatives' vaults and the family home being willed to Harold J. Potter…"
"…However new results have come to light that show a squib born of wedlock who previously resided in Muggle America to be the rightful heir to the Ancient & Most Noble House of Black…When asked to comment, Archibald Sulley, the Head of the Department of Magical Ancestry Archives stated that '…the results are irrefutable. Master Klaus Hargreeves, son of Regulus A. Black, nephew of Sirius 'Padfoot' III and cousins of Harold J. Potter and Draco L. Malfoy is in fact, the one true heir to the Ancient & Most Noble House of Black…"
THE NEW YORK TIMES 2019
CITY SAYS GOODBYE TO SIR REGINALD HARGREEVES
24 March 2019
"In Loving Memory…Sir Reginald Hargreeves, 109, peacefully passed away in his sleep on 23 March 2019 due to a heart failure…He is survived by his sons, Luther 'Number One' Hargreeves, Diego 'Number Two' Hargreeves, Klaus 'Number Four' Hargreeves and his daughter, Allison 'Number Three' Hargreeves…"
"The funeral shall be held privately for the family at the Hargreeves Manor and they ask that the media & the public please respect their wishes for privacy…The memorial service will be performed at Greenwich Cemetery on 24 March 2019, at ten am for those of the public who wish to say their farewells to the reclusive billionaire…Memorial donations may be made in Sir Reginald's name to the Hargreeves Foundation…"
PICTURED: SIR REGINALD HARGREEVES, AGED 109 YEARS