Dyslexia: There are spell check mistakes and missing words because I have a language disability.
AN: So, Price Paid was more than a bit dark and I really need more time travel, so here we are.
Luminous We Are
Summary: Master Obi-Wan Kenobi is filled with regrets when the Padawan he chooses is assigned to Anakin. When he discovers that it was Yoda's meddling that had prevented him from being a Padawan in his own youth, the betrayal runs deep. Wondering what could have been, a trick of the Force throws him back in time, where he learns to put his trust in the Force, not the High Council.
Redemption of Qui-Gon Jinn had he not been forced to take a Padawan before he was ready, and where the Order learns to take another course that put quite a wrench in the Sith plans. Start of the Clone Wars to 44BBY AU of the Apprentice books. Cheeky Obi-Wan and Mandalorian shenanigans.
Chapter 1 - They Are My Own
Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, newly-elected Council Member, was a bit miffed when he realized that the Padawan he had chosen had been assigned to Anakin.
Anakin, whose status as General made Obi-Wan worry about the challenges he would face as he was forced to deal with the darkest of temptations. He was only nineteen, for Force's sake!
Anakin wasn't ready to be responsible for so much, let alone the education of another Jedi Learner who was dealing with her own aggressive tendencies during a war.
Obi-Wan found Master Yoda, and before he could so much as ask, Yoda spoke, "Accept Initiate Tano, did Skywalker?"
Obi-Wan gritted his teeth, careful to draw on his shields to keep his frustration at bay. "I had been under the impression that the Council would be discussing my request."
"Approved of Tano and Skywalker, we have."
"And my request for a Padawan?" Obi-wan asked. Specifically, Ahsoka Tano.
"Youngest on the Council, you are. A large portion of the army, do you lead. A Padawan, you are not meant to have. Advise Skywalker still, must you."
Obi-Wan bristled.
Was Anakin's knighting a farce?
"With all due respect, Master, Anakin no longer listens to me."
"Learn this, he must."
Obi-Wan wanted to shake Yoda. Instead, he bowed and left the meditation room.
He didn't make it down the hall before Mace joined him.
Obi-Wan didn't look at him as they walked together.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan," Mace said into the silence between them.
Obi-Wan's shoulder's tensed. "If you are sorry, why did you agree to it?"
"Yoda has always acted on his own when it comes to his line."
Obi-Wan came to a halt and met Mace's gaze. "Are you saying this wasn't a decision made by the Council?"
"You're on the Council now, my friend. Were you a part of any discussion?"
Obi-Wan's heart hurt. "I do not regret training Anakin. I chose to be his Master, but I also chose Ahsoka to be my apprentice. I felt our connection in the Force. If Qui-Gon hadn't died, I think she would have been my first apprentice. I know I would have waited longer after graduating to knighthood to be anyone's teacher."
Mace looked solemn. "It pains me that you think so lowly of yourself, even now."
"How can I not?" Obi-Wan asked. "I've failed Anakin. To this day he questions his place among us. Anakin is no closer to finding inner peace now than the day he joined us. I failed Qui-Gon, I never lived up to the person he raised me to be."
"Obi-Wan," Mace sighed, "you were one of the Order's most highly respected initiates. I agree that you may have been too young to be Anakin's Master, but who is to say that anyone else might have never reached him at all. No one can deny the partnership the two of you make—many are envious of your mission success rate."
"If you remember, I was aged out. And I remember you as being among the most reluctant to let me back."
"I wasn't reluctant to take you back," Mace said. "I was unsupportive of Qui-Gon taking you back as his apprentice and of Yoda's meddling. Qui-Gon almost let you get killed, be enslaved, and only by threatening to kill yourself did Qui-Gon finally accept you. Qui-Gon's issues with Xanatos were far from resolved."
"You think Qui-Gon and I were a bad match?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Most did," Mace said. "Not because he was a poor teacher, but because Jinn was stubborn. Force that man to do anything he was reluctant to do and he would rail against it. You didn't deserve to suffer for that. Perhaps, given more time, you both would have complemented each other well. But Yoda's machinations were uncalled for."
Obi-Wan frowned. "I got myself sent to the Agricorps."
Mace snorted. "Obi-Wan… Do you truly believe we thought you had been the one to attack Bruck Chun? Regardless of whatever taunts the two of you exchanged, you were not in the wrong to defend yourself. Did you not notice that there were no Agricorp representatives on Bandomeer, just you and Qui-Gon?"
Obi-Wan shook his head, feeling slow only because what he was being told was so far from long-held beliefs he had based his own image of himself on. "No other Master showed any interest in me."
Mace smiled sadly. "That's because Yoda took interest in you. By the time you were eleven, everyone in the Temple believed you would be Yoda's next apprentice."
Obi-Wan gaped at him. His entire world view shifted, every event in his childhood taking on entirely new meaning. His voice was low and more fragile than he meant it to be as he asked, "Yoda was going to be my Master?"
Mace laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Qui-Gon's hesitations were based on his own shortcomings, never yours. Obi-Wan, your path has always been that of a Jedi Knight. Never believe that your promotion to the Council was unearned."
Obi-Wan stepped back from him, his emotions a riot within him.
"Obi-Wan—" Mace offered, reaching out.
But Obi-Wan took another step back. "I need to go meditate."
He turned his back on Mace, his mind spinning as everything in his past took on a new hue, deepened by different shadows.
The guilt he felt whenever he thought of Qui-Gon took a back row seat.
Obi-Wan had always been indebted to the man for allowing him to become a Knight. As Anakin's Master, Obi-Wan had begun wondering if becoming a Knight had been a mistake. Perhaps if he had stayed with the AgriCorps he could have done the galaxy more good.
He had begun to wonder that more and more as Anakin grew further away from him and after Geonosis when so many of his brothers and sisters, as well as the clones that fought as an indentured army, had died to rescue him.
But all those doubts? All those regrets?
Obi-Wan found a spot far into the Room of a Thousand Fountains, to a place where he had gone as a youngling. He folded down into the soft patch of grass, the trickling of water from a waterfall stone fountain, isolating him.
Before hitting puberty, before the months approaching his thirteenth birthday, before he had grown restless and doubtful of the future he had always believed in, he had enjoyed meditating.
It tore at him now, knowing what Yoda had stolen from him: his faith in himself.
Meditating had been a balm when he believed he had a place, a home with the Jedi.
Being sent to the AgriCorps was not as it should have been. Yes, for humans thirteen was often considered the cut off point. The next year, or even a few years, Masters would work with the initiate to find the Corp that would fit them best or even choosing a career or schooling outside the Order which was far rarer, given the corps had no family restrictions.
A handful of Obi-Wan's crechemates had chosen to join the Exploration Corps, and his once best friend, Bant, had even left her Padawanship to join the MediCorps. It wasn't an abrupt process, it wasn't a cruelty, and it wasn't a divorce from the Jedi Order.
It had only been so for Obi-Wan because his being sent to Bandomeer had been a punishment for 'attacking' Bruck Chun.
Obi-Wan had intended to direct Anakin to consider the Exploration Corps, but had been forbidden from doing so when the war started.
But in his heart, Obi-Wan knew Anakin belonged in a starship, exploring the galaxy, sent on missions where being able to defend oneself was as important as having compassion for others. The Exploration Corps was what Anakin wanted the Jedi Knights to be: Knights who partnered with communities, such as Alderaan and Naboo, on missionary missions. Rehoming slaves and searching beyond the Republic for those in need.
Anakin could return to his mother, he would be allowed to be with her. He would be allowed to marry and start a family.
Disconnected from the whims of the Senate, not sent into any political conflicts to negotiate peace or sent into places where fighting was necessary, the pull of the Dark Side would be less. Attachments wouldn't be a problem, because no one would use a Corpsman's loved one to threaten the Order or the Republic. It was why the Coruscant Jedi had a measure of disconnect from the Corps.
And Yoda had made Obi-Wan see it as punishment. Just as Obi-Wan feared discussing the topic with Anakin when he was younger, afraid that Anakin would see it as Obi-Wan had seen it; of being unwanted and untrusted.
All of the things he now knew of the Corps were what he had learned later in life, while he searched for other options for Anakin when the cultural rifts between them seemed insurmountable.
Yoda had shielded Obi-Wan from that wisdom. Yoda had also forbidden him from suggesting Anakin toward that path now that he was old enough to understand that it wasn't his Master wanting to be rid of him. But Yoda had been explicit about Obi-Wan not having that discussion with his brother.
Kriff that, Obi-Wan thought. He let out a long breath, sinking further into the Force.
He would discuss the Corps with Anakin, who could marry his lady love. Anakin, who thought he was hiding his affair so well.
Obi-Wan wanted Anakin happy more than they needed him as a general. He was too powerful to tempt toward this much darkness anyway. Anakin could do so much more good saving people rather than killing them.
Obi-Wan knew that his place was in this war. Sometimes, he wondered if he was destined for it. From Melida/Daan, to Mandalore, to Naboo, and now to the Clone Wars, war came as naturally to him as water was to a fish.
It grieved him, because war was a horrible thing, but to not fight, to allow others to be slaughtered? To watch people, children, die and not fight against it was not in him. And he was strong enough to handle the personal cost of that. He had a hardness in himself that allowed him to acknowledge suffering and work past it.
Anakin felt too deeply, and Obi-Wan feared what this war would do to him in the long run. What would Anakin have to sacrifice to continue in this war? To feel the Force as he did and feel the death around in such numbers…
Obi-Wan had tried to get him to a healer, a counselor, about what he knew Anakin had suffered. Even his own experiences hadn't been the most extreme, being raised in a slave quarter couldn't have been sorrowless. What had Anakin felt? What horrors had been imprinted on his subconscious because of it?
But all such attempts to even talk through those subjects had proved useless after Anakin came back from a meeting with Chancellor Palpatine. It had been Anakin's thirteenth birthday, a day he had gotten into a fight with an initiate. Anakin had said that if Obi-Wan thought he needed a healer then he thought he was weak.
All future attempts to get Anakin more help than Obi-Wan could offer failed, which was around the same time Obi-Wan began to resent Palpatine, and that had only furthered the wedge between himself and Anakin.
No one listened to Obi-Wan when he spoke of his mistrust and dislike of the 'humble' Chancellor. He alone seemed to be bothered by Palpatine's exceeding the term limit.
Obi-Wan sighed and sank ever deeper into the Force, returning to his thoughts on Yoda's manipulations.
Yoda had done to Ahsoka what he had done to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan vowed he would be there for Ahsoka, whether Anakin liked it or not. Ahsoka, after all, was the minor in this situation.
He shuddered at the thought that she would be in this war too, that they were sending so many of their young into this horrific war.
The Force seemed to hug him, and he held on to it, leaning into that mystical embrace. Behind his closed eyes, he saw only starlight, a glittering galaxy of stars, of life, of beauty.
The Force always humbled him, always made him grateful for the life he had, with or without Yoda's meddling.
He wondered what his life might have been like had he stayed with his parents. He didn't actually know much about them, or Stewjon for that matter. His beginnings had never mattered, he had come to the Temple so young that this had always been his home.
Even his oldest memories, of an older brother playing with him, holding him in his arms as he ran through a field, always brought with them a sense of foreboding, and never longing.
"Obi-Wan!"
Obi-Wan startled as he came 'awake' from possibly one of the deepest meditations he had ever achieved.
He recognized that voice, but he was still surprised to look up, and up, at Master Ali-Alann, his old Creche Master.
Only, he didn't look as old as he had when Obi-Wan had last spoken with him.
Ali-Alann knelt in front of him and, without hesitation, pulled him into an embrace.
Ali-Alann was as large a man as Qui-Gon had been, and his scent and his Force presence were immediately familiar to him. So though the gesture was odd, Obi-Wan hugged him back.
What followed next spooked the kriff out of Obi-Wan.
He was lifted into the air.
He clung to the man's neck, feeling incomprehensibly small.
"You've been missing for hours," Ali-Alann was saying. "You missed curfew and dinner, I was so worried."
Obi-Wan was far too disoriented to respond to that.
Curfew? He didn't have a curfew. And skipping meals was not an oddity for him by a long shot. Also, how was Ali-Alann lifting him so easily?
Obi-Wan loosened his grip on his elder's robes to look at his hands.
His tiny hands.
Panic swirled in him.
"Shhhhh," Ali-Alann hushed, rubbing his back. "You're safe, Obi-Wan. Were you truly meditating that whole time? I thought you were asleep."
Obi-Wan couldn't answer that. He searched his senses outward, searching the Temple with the Force.
It was peaceful.
The Temple was quiet and at ease, and the Force itself…
There was no oppressive darkness.
Well, there was, but not as it had been leading up to the Clone Wars.
They arrived in the creche, where almost all were asleep. It was, as Ali-Alann had implied, far later in the night than when Obi-Wan had started his meditation this afternoon.
Ali-Alann set him down on his feet before the dorm room that had been his until Bandomeer, then knelt in front of him on the stone floor as he had in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. He ran a large hand through Obi-Wan's hair, which was much shorter than it had been.
Obi-Wan caught Ali-Alann's sleeves with his too-small hands. His heart was racing, and he didn't know what to say to his Creche Master that wouldn't sound completely insane.
"Obi-Wan, what's wrong?" Ali-Alann asked, voice filled with a care that had Obi-Wan blinking back tears.
He didn't miss Stewjon, but he did miss this closeness to Master Ali-Alann.
The door behind him opened, and Obi-Wan turned to see a painfully young Quinlann Vos.
Quin looked distraught, pulling him away from Ali-Alann and into a hug. Obi-Wan pulled up his shields, knowing that at this age Quin didn't have the skills to shield himself from his own clairvoyant gifts.
Obi-Wan's gift for shielding had actually been the reason why, despite the age gap between them, they had been roommates.
Quin pulled back, looking down at Obi-Wan with sorrow. "I didn't mean to upset you, Obi-Wan. But the Council said it's time I move in with Master Tholme. We are always going to be friends, though, don't ever doubt it."
Again, Obi-Wan found himself blinking back tears. He remembered this night. He had been eleven and Quin had been a few years into his Padawanship.
Despite Quin's promise, Obi-Wan knew that the next mission Quin went on would be difficult. After that mission, Quin had pulled away, and they hadn't regained their friendship until Obi-Wan entered his late teens.
Obi-Wan embraced him again, knowing that this night had marked the end of Quin's innocence. There was no real way to shield him from it unless he moved to a planet like Alderaan, and even then hardships always seemed to come to those blessed—or, more correctly, cursed—with clairvoyance.
"I'll miss you," Obi-Wan said, the sound of his own voice making him fight the urge to cough.
It was the final bit of proof he needed to realize that this was real, that somehow he was here, decades in the past.
Careful to hold onto his shields, he reached past them, acknowledging Quin was real, and reaching beyond him to ask the Force: Why bring me back?
The Force didn't answer in words, but the warmth he received was like hearing a loved one laugh, like that first rush of falling in love, like a prayer answered.
Obi-Wan clung to Quin, who tugged him inside their room. "Night, Master Ali-Alann, thanks for finding him!"
"We'll talk in the morning, Obi-Wan," Master Ali-Alann said as the door shut.
Quin all but threw him onto one of the beds.
"That was sort of rude," Obi-Wan said as he slipped under the covers.
Quin slipped in beside him. "Shut up. What's rude is running off and not telling anyone where you went."
"I was meditating in the Room of a Thousand Fountains."
Quin paused, then pulled Obi-Wan in tighter. His voice was soft when he said, "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. You'll be chosen soon, I know it. You and I are always going to be friends."
But not always close.
Obi-Wan hugged Quin's arm, relaxing into his embrace. Into this moment of peace and comfort. Quin relaxed too, resting his cheek on the side of Obi-Wan's head.
Maybe this was just a dream, maybe he really had fallen asleep meditating.
Again, he had the sense that the Force was laughing at him.
Closing his eyes, he fell asleep to the sound of Quin's breathing.
Obi-Wan had every expectation of waking up back by the fountains, to his responsibilities in the Order and within the Clone Wars.
Instead, he woke to Quin softly snoring and drooling into Obi-Wan's shoulder.
He reached out to the Force again and found it alight with joy and mischief.
The Force, it seemed, was indeed with him.
It was probably a bad sign that, among the things that had happened to him over the last few months, this didn't frighten him but made him feel somehow at ease.
Or maybe he just felt that way because there weren't massive amounts of fear and death pouring into the Force from around the galaxy.
Time travel wasn't impossible. Legends of it only stated it was impossible to predict or manufacture. Time, after all, like death, meant very little to the Force. It was as Qui-Gon had taught him when he thought something impossible or improbable: You will find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
Obi-Wan stayed in bed, in the circle of his friend's arms, glorying in the reprieve this morning offered.
AN: Thoughts, feedback, pretty please?