Your heart is not meant for me (Elena)

Losing your memory - Ryan Star

I would have died
I would have loved you all my life

Remember the day
Cause this is what dreams should always be

I just want to stay
I just want to keep this dream in me

Wake up, it's time; little girl, wake up
Just remember who I am in the morning

You're losing your memory now ...

I closed the door behind me and let me fall onto my bed.

What a day! This week was turning out to be more and more insane. Two days ago I had fallen onto my bed, tracks of make-up on my cheeks because I had broken up with Stefan, yesterday I had fallen onto my bed, covered with dirt and black tracks of make-up because I had fought with Katherine, then with Damon and now I was lying on my bed and my mind was swirling from thoughts and at the same time it was totally empty.

No, not the week was becoming insane, I was becoming insane! I guess no one could blame me. First your aunt nearly stabs herself to death, then you have to break up with your boyfriend because a manipulative selfish bitch threatens you to kill all the people you love if you don't do what she wants you to do, then the same bitch nearly strangles you to death and nearly kills one of the persons you love the most and to crown it all you get kidnapped by two vampires who tell you that the Original vampires want you as a sacrifice to lift a damn curse.

I laughed out loud ironically; then I ran my hands through my hair.

When does all of this stop? Will there ever be an end to all of this? A time when I just can be happy? When I don't have to fear the live of all my beloved ones?

But that wasn't my only problem. Just like a normal girl I had some serious boyfriend issues. Ex-boyfriend issues. I still loved Stefan; more than anyone else in this world and I never wanted to hurt him but today I had done exactly that. I might have hurt him even more than by breaking up with him. He knew that a break was the best idea for now – until I knew that all my family and friends were save. Until all the trouble was over.

But what I had done today had nothing to do with being afraid of having my beloved ones hurt. I had stood there on the staircase after Stefan and Damon had risk their lives again and come to rescue me. I had looked down and I had seen them standing there; both looking up to me with a slight smile on their faces - but actually I had only seen one person; one smile. I had only looked into one pair of eyes. And these eyes hadn't been green; these eyes hadn't belonged to Stefan. These eyes had been deep blue and had belonged to his brother.

Not really knowing what I had actually been doing; acting out of a sudden impulse, I had run downstairs directly into his arms – into Damon's arms. And in this moment, I had totally forgotten Stefan. When I had looked into Damon's eyes, suddenly realizing that we weren't alone in this room, that Stefan was standing beside us, watching us all this time, I had immediately let go of Damon and run into Stefan's arms.

First, I had been afraid to face him, to look into his eyes but when I finally had, I hadn't been able to read anything in them. He had just smiled at me, taken my hand and we had left the villa and walked back to the car. We hadn't spoken a single word; he hadn't asked the slightest question about what was going on between me and his brother. And I had hated it. I would have loved it if he had screamed at me; forcing me to explain everything. It wouldn't have been easy but I would have known what he was thinking. Like this … so calm and restrained, he had frightened me. What had he been thinking? What the hell had he been thinking? I hadn't had the courage to ask him and I had been really glad when I had arrived home and he had accepted that I had wanted to be alone.

My mind, my emotions were such a chaos. I wouldn't have been able to come up with a good explanation; I would only have hurt him more with inconsiderate words. I wanted to use the right ones to explain him everything; not to hurt him even more. He should understand it; understand why I had reacted like this, why I had been so happy when I had stood there and had looked down to his brother; to Damon …

Immediately a smile appeared back on my face. No, today hadn't been only bad. Yes, I had been kidnapped and the atmosphere between Stefan and me was tense but there was something that was way more important. I had finally understood. Yes, Damon had hurt me yesterday with his words, with shutting me out after we had felt so close the last days but now I knew the reason. I should have known it immediately, I should have understood it while I had been turning around and shut the door of the Salvatore manor behind me.

As I lay there, staring to the dark ceiling, Katherine's words radiated in my mind again.

"No! Oh no! Damon you don't want to tell me that you fell for her! Really? You risk her life because you love her? Don't you see? She will NEVER love you! You will die for a woman who will never ever love you!"

I swallowed. I hadn't really had the time to think about everything Katherine had said. First, I had been too angry, too sad about Damon's outburst of rage to ask myself what the real reason could be, what lies behind his behavior. And then I had been kidnapped and I had been buried in an amount of information which all ended in one fact: There were vampires, strong powerful vampires who wanted me, my blood under all circumstances.

But now lying here, I shut all of that out. I shut out the new danger, the questions that arose with it, I shut out Stefan and all our problems, the whole tension which had been build up between us in the last days since the break – up and which had reached its highest point when I had been running into Damon's arms – deciding for his brother and totally forgetting about his whole existence.

In this moment all I could think of where Katherine's words … and what they did to me; to my breathing which had become chocked, irregular, fast; to my eyes which wear burning from tears by now; to my whole body which was trembling, cringing under constant shivers … and to my heart; which was aching.

Katherine had pierced him; hurt him; caused him unbelievable pain. But it wasn't the physical pain. He was a vampire; physical pain healed, even when you were stabbed by an amount of wooden stakes. As long as they missed your heart, you would recover. The wounds would heal after some time. But the psychological pain he had to endure; to listen to every single brutal word she had told him … had pierced through his heart. And a heart – of a vampire or a human – would never recover again. If the wounds, the scars were too deep, they would never really recover again.

Katherine had reminded him that he had died for nothing; that he had tried to rescue a woman for decades who had never loved him. In 1864 he had died out of love – and now he had found out that actually he had died for nothing. He had died for a selfish arrogant bitch that had never really recognized what she had rejected; a woman who would have killed this man without any qualms. He had died for her, he had tried everything to rescue her and he had loved her for more than 145 – and she didn't want this man.

But that hadn't hurt him the most. He had heard these words before; less brutally; but he had heard them before. He had heard them in that night; the night I still didn't know everything about; the night I seemed to miss the most important fact of.

But what had hurt him the most had been the comparison. Her words which had wanted to make him believe that I would never miss him, that he meant nothing to me, that he would die – again – for nothing, that I would never … love him; just like her.

Katherine had never loved him, she had only played with his feelings, for decades; and if she was right; when he really … loved me; then she had showed him that history was repeating itself all over again. He had been rejected by the only woman he had ever loved, he had died for her … and he would be rejected by the first woman he finally had started to care about again after so many years; the first woman he trusted again; loved again. The first woman he opened his heart for, after such a long time …

I swallowed.

He would have died for me, loving me, knowing that I would never love him. It hadn't mattered to him. All that had mattered to him was that I was save … and happy. He would give me up if it would make me happy … to make his brother happy. He didn't think the slightest moment about himself, how much it hurt him … to let me go, to see me with another man, his brother; as long as I was happy …

And I had forced him to talk to me, to tell me the truth, to reveal his feelings, to put this unbelievable pain into words. Katherine had stabbed him over and over but she hadn't been the one who had hurt him the most. Without recognizing, I had held the stake myself, smashing it again and again into his heart, not knowing what I had actually been doing.

With all my actions, with all I had said and hadn't the last days I had build up a hope inside him; a hope I couldn't fulfill; a senseless hope. I had talked with him about my problems with Stefan … in the rain, yesterday on the bench … and he had listened, he had even convinced me to trust Stefan.

Oh … my … god … and before … he had tried to fix our relationship … although … although … he loves me.

I had hurt him more than he had hurt me, without knowing. I had destroyed all his hopes, I had smashed a stake again and again into his heart with every kiss I had given Stefan and he had to watch; every touch, every smile … and he had endured it.

And yesterday; yesterday it had been too much. I had let him hope … with the kiss, with the dance, with my words … and then Katherine had come and had forced him to face the reality … and then … I had forced him …

He had reacted in the only logical way; in the only way he knew. He had built up walls; he had hid into his own world; to escape the painful truth … and me. The only way to survive and endure to be with the woman you loved but who loved someone else was to shut out every feeling. And when they had come crashing down on him, he had run away from them … because it would have been too painful to face them …

It hadn't been a lie. Nothing of it had been a lie. And I had understood it when he had been standing there downstairs and I had looked into his eyes … and they had shown me everything. There had been no ice inside them, no fire of rage, no walls that had shut me out. In this moment they had told me the pure truth … that he would come and save me; that he was there for me … forever, no matter what.

I started to breathe heavier but as hard as I tried I couldn't stop the tear which was running down my cheek now, dropping onto the bed sheet.

And there was something else I had recognized in this moment … but I hadn't understood it, I had denied it … until now.

A different scene from last night came back to my mind. I had been impulsive, emotional, laying there on the ground watching helplessly how Katherine had tortured him, ready to kill him. I would have said everything to save him in this moment and if I wanted to deny it I could pretend that the words that had left my lips had been a lie …

"And I will never let you kill him! Because he is one of the most important persons in the world for me. He means everything to me!"

"Really? So you don't mind dying for him?"

"No … I … don't … mind."

I could pretend that I had only said them to rescue him, to save his life … but that would have been the biggest lie in my life. It was true, he meant unbelievable much to me and in a life and death situation … Stefan or Damon … I wouldn't know who to choose …

The one you loved with all your heart.
The one you fell in love with from the very first moment you saw him.
The one who was always nice to you; honest.
The one who never hurt you …

Or …

The one who knew you better than everyone on earth.
The one who would die for you without hesitation, for a woman who had hurt him so much, who had shown him so much hatred.
The one who was there for you like a guardian angel – always, whenever you needed him.
The one who said exactly the right things at exactly the right time.
The one who knew how you felt, what you needed as if he could read your thoughts, as if he could see inside your soul, into your heart.

The one who hurt you again and again, who made one mistake after another …

… and nevertheless you couldn't hate him.
Nevertheless you forgot everything around you when you looked into his eyes.
Your heart started to beat faster whenever he was with you.
Your body ignited, chills were running down your spine whenever he touched you.

You could feel the call of his heart to yours … and how it responded … like never before.

Another tear was running down my cheek. These feelings confused me. They … I didn't t know what to think, what to feel …

Damn it! This is all … wrong! Everything is wrong!

I began to undress myself; throwing my shirt and my trousers angrily onto the chair in the corner and got into my pajamas.

How has that happened? How the hell has all of this happened? These … feelings … Why are they there? Why? I don't want to feel them! I want them gone!

I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water into my face, hoping that I could wash the feelings away.

I loved Stefan, only Stefan! I had seen him and I fallen in love with him! He was nice, he was honest, he loved me with all his heart, he would never ever hurt me, he was all I had ever wanted, all I ever wanted!

Tears were constantly running down my cheeks now – tears of confusion, tears of hatred, tears of anger … about myself.

I don't want to hurt him! I don't want to hurt them, both of them! I don't want to lose them …

My hands clutched edge of the lavatory harder and harder, clinging to it as the only thing that could prevent me from collapsing. I had to calm down. I had to calm down. I tried to control my breathing again and wiped away the wet tracks on my cheeks. Then I turned around and went back to my bedroom.

"Cute PJ's."

I recoiled. Damon. Lost in my thoughts I hadn't paid attention to my surrounding, nor had I heard him enter my room through the open window. He was sitting on my window board a slight but sad smile on his face.

"What … what are you doing here?" I asked astonished.

I hadn't been prepared for this.

"I … I need to talk to you", he said, standing up and walking towards me. "About … today."

He was only standing inches away from me now and looked me in the eyes … and all my thoughts, all my feelings came back crashing down on me. Only looking in these deep blue eyes let my heart beat faster, my breathing become irregular and shivers run through my entire body. I said nothing, just stared into these eyes.

"Why did you do that?"

"What?" I asked surprised.

"Why did you … smile … run … towards … me? Why did you choose … me? After all I did to you." He had to swallow.

Oh, Damon … I had understood but he hadn't …

"I've been angry. I've been furious. Because I hadn't understood that in one moment we can be that close and in the next moment you push me away again. I had even wanted to come back; to force you to tell me the truth, to be honest. But then I have been kidnapped and I haven't gotten the chance to talk to you again. And I'm happy for that. I thought about it over and over again while I sat there in this villa on this couch but I couldn't find an answer. But in the moment I was standing on the stair head and looked down to you; into your eyes; I suddenly understood. It … it had just been too much … your whole word, everything had crashed down onto you after all that had happened that night … and you have reacted in the only way you know. You hid into your own world, trying to shut out everything that was painful … to shut me out.

"Ele …" He began but I interrupted him immediately.

"I don't blame you for that, Damon."

Now these deep blue eyes looked at me in astonishment.

"I understand you. And I might know you better than you think."

A slight smile appeared on my face and as usual he smiled back at me … but it wasn't a glad smile, it was the saddest smile I had ever seen before.

"I found something while I was searching through the old villa. I guess you miss this."

Slowly he reached into his pocket and pulled out something silvery. My vervain necklace ...

"I thought that was gone", I replied surprised and gladly. "Thank you."

I wanted to reach for it but in the same moment Damon withdrew his hand, the slight smile on his face turning even sadder.

"Please … give it back."

I didn't like this turn of events. I knew him too well. His eyes were like an open book for me … and they told me that I won't like what was coming next.

"I just have to say something …"

"Why do you have to say it with my necklace?"

My voice had become a slight undertone of fear; fear that he would do something stupid.

"Be … because … what I'm about to say is … probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life …"

"Damon don't go there."

"I … I just have to say it. You just need to hear it … once."

His face was only inches away from mine now and all I could see were deep blue eyes, telling me what I had already feared; that Katherine had been right.

"I love you, Elena … And it's because I love you that … I can't be selfish with you … It's because I love you that I can't hide into my own world, into the world where I belong … because it doesn't exist anymore … because you destroyed it. You destroyed it by showing me that I don't need it, that I'm not alone. You made my heart beat again, you let it feel something again although it is supposed to be dead. But now I am lost because I have nowhere to go, no home. I can't hide into this world and shut out the feelings … and I can't have what my heart is longing for so desperately either. I'm so sorry for what I did to you yesterday … but … it is just so … difficult for me; to … let down my shields. My heart doesn't know what it is like to trust, to be honest, to be … loved. All I ever had was my darkness, my loneliness. And then you came … with your light. Why can't you know all of this … why can't you just … understand it?"

Tears had built up in my eyes and were running down my cheeks now. His words hit me to the core.

Yes, I had understood that he loved me … but I hadn't expected that he loved me so much.

My heart started to beat even faster than it already did. My breathing was so heavy now that I feared to lose my consciousness every moment and I desperately tried to suppress the sobs that were rising inside me. My entire body was trembling.

He loves me so much that it hurts.

And in this moment, I realized that all I wanted in this moment was to show him that he was wrong; so wrong.

You are not lost, Damon! Because I am here for you! You have a home, your heart has a home, here with me! You are not alone! I will never ever let you be alone!

In this moment all my confusion was gone. I didn't think of all the problems; the danger. I didn't think of Stefan. All I thought of was that I wanted to tell him, to show him … that I loved him, too.

"Damon I …" I began but a finger was placed on my lips to silent me.

"I don't deserve you … But my brother does."

Slowly he bent down his head to kiss me softly on the forehead. When he withdrew his head, my eyes met his and for a long moment we just looked into each other's eyes.

My mind was swirling.

I do deserve you, Damon!

I was screaming inside.

You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life! You are the one … you are my soulmate …

Desperately I lifted my hands and took his face into my hands to lower it down to me. Then I gently laid my lips on his – and I thought I would collapse by the sudden electricity, the sudden shiver that was running down my spine, enfolding in my entire body. My heart was beating a thousand times faster and I thought it would explode every moment. The wild fire I had already felt when he had kissed me yesterday and when we had looked into each other's eyes after the dance rose in my body, setting every little part of it up in flames. I wanted this. Forever. Because it felt so right, like nothing else ever had before.

But suddenly Damon took my hands and pulled them back from his face.

"Let me go. I have to leave", he said with tearful voice and turned around.

"No! Damon!"

I grabbed his arm and pulled him around to face me again. I could see wet tracks shining on his face.

"I will never let you go! YOU don't understand it! You are wrong! So wrong! I do deserve you! You are the best thing that could ever happen in my life! I want to be there for you, to make you not feel alone. I want you! I lo …"

But again he put a finger on my lips and then I understood. I understood why he hadn't given me my necklace back. He gently gripped my chin and as hard as I tried, I couldn't escape his eyes which were fixating mine now.

"Don't say it. Don't move."

He paused and swallowed, his eyes still staring into mine.

I fought. I fought as hard as possible with all my human strength against the compulsion. But as senseless as it had been with Elijah as senseless it was now. I desperately tried to lift my hand to touch him; I tried to tell him those three words I desperately needed him to hear but my hand remained where it was and the words never left my lips.

"I don't deserve you … because you deserve someone who is honest with you, who doesn't hurt you, who treats you the way you deserve it … not someone who disappoints you, who makes mistakes again and again, hurting you again and again, making those beautiful eyes look sad, and causing tears to flow down these cheeks …"

He gently placed one hand on my cheek.

"You deserve someone who makes you happy."

For a long moment he just stared into my eyes. I could see how hard it was for him to pull himself together. His chest was raising and lowering heavily, his teeth were clenched and I could feel his entire body trembling.

"The last days had been the best days of my life. To kiss you, to hold you in my arms, just to look at you … into your eyes … to see you smile … let my dead heart beat again and lit up my darkness …"

The tears started to run down my cheeks again and he softly wiped them away with his hands.

"God I wish you didn't have to forget this … I wish you didn't have to forget the way you feel about me …"

He turned around to place my necklace on the bed. Then he slowly walked back to me

"… but your heart is not meant for me …"

He looked at me one last time, gently striking over my cheek.

"… and that's why you do."

The tear which was running down his cheek was the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes …

A/N: I know this is super kitschy and dramatic - but that's me, sorry guys ;) I guess every single one hates me for changing a lot in comparison to the episode except the one detail all we Delena Fans hated the most; but hey it needs to stay suspenseful and has to go at least a bit along with the story line of the show, right? ;) Hope to hear a lot of opinions about this chapter! I love it a lot and it was really super hard for me to write ...