Disclaimer: I don't own Oregairu.

In Which Hikigaya Hachiman Reaches A Different Conclusion

It was one of those agonizing nights of introspection once again.

The monster of logic and monster of self-consciousness within me continuously came up with different forms of reasoning for potential scenarios.

Nah, who am I kidding?

They were nothing more than excuses and justifications.

But then again, why am I trying to come up with these things in the first place?

Asking myself that question was a mistake.

Now I'm trying to come up with excuses on why I'm trying to come up with excuses.

What a vicious cycle.

I could already imagine myself getting stuck in an infinite loop with this train of thought.

This is…. Requiem…[1]

Joking aside, that line actually helped free me from my endless thoughts, unironically enough.

Before I could once again sink into that hellhole, I decided to go out of my room as a change of pace.

The house was completely dark. I didn't need to check the time to figure out that it was already late into the night.

Both of my parents as well as Komachi should be sound asleep now. In order to not wake them, I quietly made my way to the kitchen by using one of my signature skills,

Loner Skill No. 8: Stealth Hikki.

When used in a dark, enclosed area it even gives an ominous impression akin to that of a ghost. It's only me though, no need to be scared.

Ehh, it's still scary, nonetheless? I don't even have a retort for that. Even I would be scared to meet myself on a dark room like this.

Hmm, somehow my chaotic thoughts from earlier was cured and replaced by depression.

I'm not sure if that's for the better or worse.

Without having too much difficulty, I finally reached the kitchen and had a glass of water.

Although the purpose of this trip was just to have a breather, it turned out that my throat was actually parched all this time so I decided to drink another glass.

The bliss I felt after quenching my thirst made me think that this was probably the best course of action I took this entire week.

Speaking of this week, a lot of things really happened.

Yukinoshita's prom plan was finally approved and executed satisfactorily. All's well that ends well. And with that, according to the rules of our competition, with her being the victor, I had to grant Yuigahama's wish. A wish which was apparently of the same nature as Yukinoshita's.

Although Yuigahama didn't just ask for one wish, what she really wants in essence is just for the three of us to stay together. To be more than just clubmates. It was a desire I'm sure the three of us shared.

I really don't get it.

Yukinoshita's answer that time was weird. I could only hazard two possible assumptions why she gave me that reply which all boils down to her being genuine or not.

Firstly, her being genuine means she values Yuigahama's wish more than herself. A choice made by putting more importance on her friend's happiness more than her own.

A self-sacrificing choice.

Something I would do without hesitation.

I unconsciously grit my teeth as that idea sinks in.

This was a way she truly despised for me to do in the past and something I've tried to avoid doing recently.

Now look at her resorting to the same method.

She was a hypocrite.

And so was I.

Now it's time to entertain the other possibility in which Yukinoshita was not being genuine. In other words, she was lying. She lied to me and of course, she lied to herself.

Yukinoshita Yukino doesn't lie.

That was probably true during the first half of our second year.

Who is to say that the same thing is true right now?

In the first place, who can even say that what she said back then wasn't already a lie?

But I digress.

A lie you believe in can easily superimpose the truth.

Conversely, a truth that can't even convince yourself might as well be a lie.

In which case, the Yukinoshita Yukino at that moment was either a hypocrite or a liar.

I can't believe the things I'm even thinking about of the untouchable Ice Queen of Sobu High.

To think I've reduced that perfect girl into two insults in my thoughts. As expected of myself, I've become quite capable.

However, there was no way I am going to tell her about this though. Despite how much I hate myself, I have no desire of dying an early death.

With that out of the way, I must now make a decision on which premise my next action should take into account.

Which words would move the monster of logic?

Which words can convince the monster of self-consciousness?

The words of a hypocrite? Or the words of a liar?

The monster of logic favors the choice with minimal damage to the other involved parties

The monster of self-consciousness cares not about the consequences that I have to personally face, provided that those two will be happy.

Unfortunately, I could not come up with a choice that fits either criteria.

The most rational way to go about this was to meticulously examine the pros and cons of each option and try to come up with methods for damage control.

But…

That is just me getting ahead of myself.

As I reached this… Uhh, conclusion to a certain extent, I found out that my feet have already carried me back in front of my room without my conscious input.

With nothing else to do, I entered my room and just sat on the floor at the other side of the door while holding my head with both hands.

I was once again consumed by my thoughts.

It was inevitable that my self-reflection led me to the question I dreaded in asking myself.

No, that's not quite correct.

It's more like this question has always been at my head this entire time and I'm just using my thoughts to avoid it or rather find a reason to not confront it.

But now it all came back full circle.

I was once again face-to-face with this question which was haunting me tonight.

No, not just tonight.

This question has been lurking inside my head probably at the latter half of my second year.

Quite some time has passed and I still can't bring myself to answer it, or even ask it for that matter.

Now, in my current vulnerable mental state, this question revealed itself like a predator after stalking its prey and finding it cornered.

How do I really feel about the two of them?

I was breaking in cold sweat.

I was still not ready to answer such a question even after all this time.

It was time to use the weapons of the monster of logic and self-consciousness against itself.

The temporary solution that I arrived at…

Was to try and evade the problem once again.

This wasn't an enemy I can defeat by simply not giving up or using the power of friendship.

In the first place, I don't really have people I can comfortably refer to as friends so that option was moot from the beginning.

I was seriously considering going downstairs again to get another glass of water but I feel like I will likely repeat that process until I'm forced to go to the bathroom sometime soon so I decided against it.

In that case, the only other choice was to find something else to do to distract myself from these thoughts and hopefully make me sleepier in the process.

Once I made up my mind to do so, I stood up and find my eyes drawn to the corner of my room where I keep my manga and light novels that I've finished reading.

Despite the Service Club taking some of my free time away, I was still able to keep up with reading these books when there are no incoming requests.

It was then that it hit me.

My body moved with vigor akin to finding the light at the end of a dark tunnel, the peak of the mountain after the harsh cold winds, the single oasis in the middle of a barren desert…. You get the point.

At any rate, I swiftly run through the contents of each page of these works of art while trying to understand the thought processes of the different characters present in each respective story.

I didn't need to read them that thoroughly because I've already done so before. I'm only trying to remind myself of their main plot, personalities, intentions and of course, character names.

I even found some sort of overlap with myself from several characters.

A languid student who justifies his laziness as conserving energy and has to deal with an overly curious and cheerful club mate. [2]

A tactless rascal who has a bunny-girl fetish and is most probably, a masochist. [3]

A half-vampire who despite having a girlfriend, is going around helping other women with their supernatural problems. [4]

A taciturn student who is obsessed with having a normal high school life to the point that he won't hesitate to use other people as tools. [5]

An even lazier student than the first example who for some reason gets away with being listless even in class. [6]

A young man without any special powers born in a world where people his age possess them. [7]

A gamer who is described to be almost at a professional level despite being in high school and treats real life as the worst game. [8]

I can even see some semblance of myself to this shameless bastard who is the leader of a party with a goddess, a mage and a crusader. [9]

Now after trying to understand the thought processes of the characters themselves, my mind became open to more possibilities.

That being said however, it's not like I finally obtained the answer to the question plaguing my mind now but more like I've seen things in more perspectives that even the monster of logic and monster of self-consciousness cannot easily refute.

It was an epiphany of sorts but without the actual eureka moment. But that was fine for now. There was no use to rushing things. It will all come to place given enough time. As such, that is what I aim to do.

Earn more time.

This mustn't end yet.

However, if it must come to that then I must at least influence the direction it will take.

Not necessarily for my sake but for theirs.

As I made my determination firm I couldn't help but let out a yawn.

I might as well hit the sack while I was still feeling sleepy.

And then, from what was supposed to have been a sleepless night, became a night in which my slumber was the most peaceful that it has ever been from these past couple of days.

I couldn't help but mumble tonight's concluding thoughts as my consciousness drifts towards dreamland.

"A genuine relationship is not necessarily romantic…"

Author's Note:

Hello, welcome to my first fanfic.

I've always wanted to try and portray a platonic relationship in a novel and I thought that our favorite cynical loner, Hikigaya Hachiman is the best main character out there to emulate such a scenario through utilizing his twisted outlook in life. By all means, I don't mean that as an insult.

I plan on dedicating the first few chapters as context in order to know why this character acts differently and all that. Please look forward to them when the time comes.

I won't mention an upload schedule because I don't want to compromise quality over speed but I'll do my best to update this as much as I can.

With that being said, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Mori Hikiko

References:

1 – JoJo Part 5 Reference. To a certain extent, mandatory.

2 – Houtarou Oreki from Hyouka

3 – Azusagawa Sakuta from Seishun Buta Yarou wa Bunny Girl Senpai no Yume wo Minai

4 – Araragi Koyomi from Monogatari Series

5 – Ayanokouji Kiyotaka from Youkoso Jitsuryoku Shijou Shugi no Kyoushitsu e

6 – Tanaka from Tanaka-kun wa Itsumo Kedaruge

7 – Mizushima Tooru from Iris Zero

8 – Tomozaki Fumiya from Jaku-Chara Tomozaki-kun

9 – Satou Kazuma from Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku wo!