Author's forewarning : since this is my very first fan-fiction on this site I had the distinct pleasure to discover that my carefully planned formatting was thrown out of the window. Into a garbage truck. That is on fire. While publishing chapter 7.

I'll edit it with the proper formatting later and will remove this notice but for the moment please bear with me.

Chapter 1: Stranger in a strange land.

"Congratulations my lady, he's a healthy young boy!"

Greetings, ladies and assholes. I'm Adrian Smith.

No. It's not my real name, I'm not stupid enough to put my real name on the internet. I know how much you guys can be real bastards when you are bored. Which is pretty much every day. Always Angry, All The Time!

«A… A son… I have a son…» said a young male voice, coming from outside of my field of view.

What do I like? Music, video games and drinking beer. Yeah, my life is awesome, I know. Fuck off.

"Yes dear… yes… we have a son alright, I got it the first time..."

A tired but relieved female voice came through my ears. Distinctively weak but I could detect some… snark?

What do I dislike? Vegetables. I'm a carnivore, mind you. Speaking of that, I'm in the mood for a good tartar right now. Yup, I'm aware that tartar usually has Pickles and parsley but I consider it a sacrifice for the greater good. Everyone that tries to make me a salad because it's air quotes good for me air quotes only gain an enemy for life.

But right now, that's not my number one problem. Being held by some kind of giant in a white robe while not being able to move my head nor see my surroundings kinda is.

Let's resume my situation. I'm currently being held by someone, way too huge for it to be a normal person, with a greyish beard and hair. On second thought, everything is way too huge! The walls, the furniture…

Also, I can't move for the life of me. My arms and legs feel asleep, my head refuses to turn, I can only watch what's in front of me. The fact that my eyes burn and things get…Blurry after a certain distance is also not really reassuring.

Where the fuck am I?

"Now that the umbilical cord is severed, we can begin the exams. Don't worry ma'am it won't be long"

Shit. I hate exams. One would think that after graduating I wouldn't be bothered with those fucki… Wait. The umbilical what?

"Doctor… My child… He's quite silent, isn't he? Aren't babies supposed to kick, scream and so on? You don't think he could be…mute?" Says the young woman's voice I heard before, this time there is worry in her voice.

Shit. Okay I'm a baby. Think my boy…don't freak out… Think … Say something or they will notice something's wrong…

"I wouldn't worry, madam. It's not unheard of for offspring of your profession to be silent, I even have a colleague that wrote his thesis about it. Apparently being in active duty during the latter months of the pregnancy can lead to that in some cases. Apparently, the future child 'understands' that noise means death or the mother's state of mind affects his. A perfect example of atavism if I may say so. But don't worry, there is a simple method to check this…"

I felt the giant white human handle me with great care and place me in his arms. I was laying on my stomach, my eyes glued to the ground, which was way, WAY too far for comfort, I need to point.

SLAP!

As I felt the hit on my very delicate and very very squishy bottom, I threw all precaution to the back-burner.

"YOU FLYING FUCKING FUCKER WHAT IN THE EVERFUCKING FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT FOR! I'LL FUCK YOUR FUCKING SHIT SO FUCKING MUCH THAT NO FUCKING PROCTOLOGIST WILL EVER WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH YOU!"

"Ah! You hear? He has some voice in him alright!" The doctor exclaimed while laughing. Good thing that my underdeveloped vocal cords didn't really convey the meaning of my words. That would have been hard to explain.

«A… A son… I have a son…»

…I think the young male voice in the room is broken...

"Well, it seems your boy is the very picture of health. Even his attention seems above average. If I didn't know better, I would think from the movement of his eyes that he can see us!"

... Oooooh shit. I should stop trying to follow what's going on or they would be suspicious.

"Anyway, I should leave. I will take care of the papers regarding your stay so you can bond with your little one. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you doctor, we appreciate it."

"No problem Madam Inuzuka, feel free to call a nurse if you need any help."

…What?

«A… A son… I have a son…»

Greetings, ladies and fuckers. I'm Adrian Smith.

And I am in deep shit.