bulgarian yogurt takes over the world

by dont-ask-who-joe-is

exactly what it says in the title. this time, there won't be that much cussing or such things. there won't be randomly appearing characters from other universes either. trigger warning: coronavirus (constantly mentioned and even fought against at one point, as far as i'm seeing it) also the characters in the tags are the ones that appear in the last chapter (there will be many)

1. chapter 1: how it all began

one day, bulgaria was sitting in his home all alone (coronavirus be damned!) and was about to eat yogurt. it was one of the few things that kept him happy in the current situation. he couldn't even go for a walk in the forest, dang it!

was it homemade yogurt? idk he can consider any brand of bulgarian yogurt homemade yogurt bc it's produced in his country i guess whatever now let's go back to the story

the world hadn't been going well recently. a pandemic on top of all the problems it had to deal with, like wars, oppression, humanitarian crises, hunger, epidemics, corruption, demographic catastrophes and tension between many countries... seriously?

anyways bulgaria had been working from home for most of the time. he would usually contact his boss by videochat and do paperwork online. he would rarely go out and he did it mostly to buy natural bio milk (other milks suck and can't be used in yogurt-making), so he could make homemade yogurt. now, he was just about to open the just-fermented yogurt jar. he could already feel the taste in his mouth. the only thing in his mind now was yogurt. yogurt. YOGURT.

bulgaria put his hand on the jar lid, grasping it gently yet firmly, and twisted it around, opening the jar. immediately, the ambrosial scent of yogurt filled the air, invading bulgaria's nostrils and from there, his entire being. he could almost feel tantalizing electric shocks striking his tongue while its taste buds were anticipating the most heavenly gift on earth: BULGARIAN YOGURT.

its sourness, its sweetness and its aroma were indescribable. soon, bulgaria was going to be united with the most wonderful dairy product- no, the most wonderful food on earth. he was going to enter this transient nirvana, when the time around seems to stop. before picking up a spoon and scooping into the yogurt, he decided to shortly enjoy how pristine it was. bulgaria held the yogurt jar in his hands and gazed at it with tender eyes. finally, after what felt like an entire eternity while it lasted and seemed like a flash after it had ended, he spoke.
"omg yogurt i love you so much" he said.

"i love you too, mr bulgaria"

then bulgaria FRIGGIN SCREAMED, THREW THE YOGURT AT THE WALL AND RAN AWAY