In spite of it all

"sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

- Georges Duhamel

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Halle was sketching at a furious pace, not caring whether she drew unsteady lines or misshapen objects. All she cared about was capturing the scenery outside of her window.

She raced to depict the pine trees that towered over her uncle's quaint cabin as they swayed from the slight breeze. When the birds took turns perching themselves along the many branches, she focused on drawing a wine-colored bird, a Purple Finch, she believed it was called. After she roughly sketched out its form, she moved on to showcasing the way the light from the encroaching sun poked through tiny spaces between the trees. The calm of it all was so contrasting from the chaos she felt bubbling inside.

The calm before the storm, she thought wryly.

As soon as Halle had woken up this morning, she had become overwhelmed with an urgent need to draw. Normally, she drew portraits of her friends and family or scenes of memories she never wanted to forget. But when she'd seen the scenery outside, the image she'd woken up to every morning for the past four years, she allowed that need to drive her when she'd snatched some scrap paper and a worn pencil from under her bed.

This was what she came home to when she kicked her boots off after a double shift at the logging mills and paper factories. These trees were the same one's she'd climbed as a child with her brother, Lane, and her best friend, Sophie. The chirping of the birds were what roused her from her restless sleep, and even when they left in the Winter, they always came back for Spring. Despite the fact that she hadn't grown up here with her uncle, this had become her home; a safe haven she'd come to find comfort in spite of the horrors that plagued her world.

She bit her lip in concentration as she finished shading in the last of her drawing. After adding in some last-minute touches to the beak of the Purple Finch, she released a heavy sigh and dropped her pencil that had been worn down to the nub, allowing it to roll onto her mattress and rest against her thigh.

A strange ache settled within her heart when she held the drawing out in front of her to appraise it. She had created hundreds of sketches over the years, all neatly tucked away in a box under her bed. It was her way of documenting what was important to her. There were dozens of portraits of Lane and Cody, of Sophie and her family. She'd drawn how tired Lane had been after a long day at work. She'd also captured the first time they had eaten cake after Cody managed to get a hold of some sugar, a delicacy they had yet to have since. She'd drawn the forests of District 7, the logging mills, Town Square, and the great lake it overlooked.

She'd drawn her mother and the way she looked the last time she'd seen her, and her father, just before he had died, and the dog tags that had never left his neck.

She'd drawn Juniper and Dylan, Cynthia and Jasper, Willow and Finley, all in the hopes that their faces would be ingrained in her head, so she would never forget what's truly important.

However, today it would all come to an end. There wouldn't be any more memories to capture. This was likely to be her last piece of art because there was no telling if she would ever have the opportunity to draw again.

Her fingers glided over one of the trees as a sad frown grew on her face. How could something so calm and serene exist on a day like this?

She shook her head and picked her pencil back up, leaning over to sign her name. There was no use dwelling on it today, not when she'd had years to prepare. She had just finished writing the curl of a 't' when the sound of a floor-board creaking caught her attention, her head lifting in response. Leaning against the empty door-frame was her older brother, Lane, already dressed in his reaping clothes and gazing at her with a slight frown.

Like all of the Crofts, Lane had flaming red hair, albeit a slightly darker hue than Halle's. His emerald green eyes that were so similar to her own crinkled at the corners from his furrowed brows. Were they to be standing next to each other, he would tower over her by several inches in height.

She hesitated before leaning back against her headboard, fidgeting with the pencil in her hand as she stared back at him.

"Hey." she said.

He scanned over her for a moment, as if committing her to memory, before finally pushing himself away from the doorway. He walked over to sit down at the edge of his bed that sat next to hers. They had been sharing rooms ever since they were kids, something that hadn't changed when they had come to live with their uncle. While his side of the room was clean and organized, Halle's was messy and cramped. A stark contrast to how meticulous and careful she was in planning her days.

Lane began picking at the frayed edge of a blanket. Instead of the usual life and shine of his eyes, they were instead dull and set with a hardness. She should have expected this. Even though they'd both known what would happen today, it wasn't any easier to cope with.

"Cody's almost done with the food." He said, unwilling to meet her eyes.

She hugged her knees to her chest, uncomfortable with the tension in the air. "Well," She forced a smile. "Guess we'd better go down before he eats it all."

"Yeah…" Lane said, followed by a sigh. He stopped fidgeting with the blanket and moved to stand up, but paused when he noticed what was sitting on her bed.

He frowned. "What's this?" He said as he reached forward to grab the drawing she'd completed only moments before.

She hesitated at his question and waited as she watched him with expectant eyes. Her own gaze followed him as he peered over her rough sketch.

A plethora of emotions flashed across his face and she knew he'd come to the same conclusions she had. He could see all of the thoughts and emotions she'd poured into the sketch.

Lane had been the one who taught her how to draw all those years ago. When he'd found a pile of papers recording all of her ramblings, he'd quickly admonished her, trying to impress upon her that it wasn't safe to write about rebelling against the Capitol. It wasn't safe to write about their father's death, or the incident, or i'the list'/i. Instead, he showed her how to capture her thoughts and feelings through images. It was safer that way. No one could accuse her of treason.

Lane finally looked up from her drawing and met her eyes, holding it out to her with his lips drawn into a thin line. "It looks nice."

"...thank you." She took it back with gentle hands and held it close to her chest.

She bit the inside of her cheek and tried to keep her composure for Lane. Fuck...this is harder than I thought it was going to be...and we haven't even said goodbye.

Was this how both Cynthia and Dylan's families felt when their reaping came along? What about Willow and Jasper? Halle remembered the faces of their families when their children's names had been called. None of them had been surprised. They'd been devastated and heartbroken, as any parent would be when their child is sent off to the Hunger Games, but they had known it was coming. After all, they were on what had been deemed as 'the list'.

Just like Halle was.

Halle relaxed her shoulders and took in a deep breath before moving away from her bed. She walked over to Lane and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze as she said, "Why don't we go downstairs and help Cody."

Lane glanced up at the hand on his shoulder before looking at her, a stony expression on his face. Instead of replying, he simply nodded and pushed himself off from his bed, her hand falling away once he reached his full height.

Before she moved to follow him, Lane turned around to face her. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but decided against it. He rubbed his hand along his jaw before giving her a small smile. "I'll meet you downstairs. You should get ready before we eat. We have to leave right after."

Halle nodded and watched as he left.

It didn't take her long to get ready. After washing up in the bathroom, she slipped on a forest green dress for the reaping. Because all of her other clothes had grown too small, Sophie had been kind enough to lend Halle a dress she wore the previous year. It was short-sleeved with buttons that ran down the middle and had two pockets on the chest. The hem fell to the middle of her calf and swished with every step she took.

The shoes she wore were worn up flats. They were a little tight, so she decided she would wait to put them on until they had to leave. Her hair was a beast to tackle all on its own, mostly because there was so much of it, but she finally managed to wrangle her red, hip-length curls into a half-ponytail.

She gave herself a once-over in the mirror of her mother's old vanity before giving herself a reassuring nod.

Keep it together, Hal.

She grabbed her drawing off her bed and tucked it into a beaten up box underneath her bed, setting it on top of all the others with gentle hands, and made her way out of her bedroom to go downstairs.

Her uncle's cabin wasn't very big. Cody was one of the Rangers who helped manage the forest and scout out new logging sites, so he had to live near the outskirts of the district. It was a dingy little cabin with a patched up door, box-sized kitchen, and very little moving space. If one wanted to go to the living room, all they had to do was walk two steps over to the frayed couch.

As soon as her feet hit the ground of the first floor, a variety of smells filled the air, and she couldn't imagine what Cody must have done to get the food he had today.

She noticed Lane had already begun setting the table with chipped plates and bent utensils. He squeezed past Cody to grab something else from the cupboard and she smiled when she saw that Lane had grabbed her favorite mug, a grisly little thing with colors that vaguely resembled the color of vomit.

Her uncle, Cody, was standing at the kitchen sink as he washed some berries, ones she recognized came from the forest surrounding their home. Cody had broad, muscular shoulders, a shock of flaming red hair, and a scruffy beard that fell to the top of his chest. A true lumberjack in every sense of the word. And yet, he looked nothing like his usual, doughty self while he wore an apron and handled the berries with such tender care.

She folded her arms and leaned against the wall as she appraised them. "Anything I can help with?" She asked.

Lane glanced up, finally taking notice of her, before shaking his head. "I'm almost done setting the table."

"There should be some juice in the fridge," Cody said with a scratchy voice, not once removing his attention from the berries he was washing, "if you wouldn't mind grabbing it."

"Sure thing." She said as she pushed herself away from the wall.

She squeezed between Cody and the table, mumbling a 'sorry' when she bumped into his shoulder, before opening the fridge. There wasn't a lot of food stored there. Because the three of them worked so much - Halle less so because of school - they never had to starve like families in other districts, but quality food was still difficult to come by. Some of what they ate came from the forest, but because of the logging mills and large number of workers that ranged the forest, it was near impossible to find a bush that hadn't already been foraged or a stray animal to catch. That was why they had to rely on food from town which was limited in supply.

Halle couldn't apply for tessera. Courtesy of being on 'the list', she assumed.

The juice was in a jug on the top shelf. Halle and Lane had made it yesterday after school in preparation for today, for her very last meal. She reached out to grab the handle and pulled it out, careful not to spill any contents, but before she moved to close the fridge door she paused..

Nestled in the back of the fridge, previously hidden by the juice she now held, was something she hadn't seen in years.

She sucked in a deep breath. "Cody?" Her voice was shaky.

"Hm?"

"There's pie in here."

Cody didn't respond.

"Is this mom's recipe?"

He simply said, "You can set the pie and juice next to the bread."

With shaky hands, she grabbed the pie with her other hand and closed the fridge door with her hip, her mind reeling with questions and she walked over to the table.

Cody had already finished washing the berries and placed them in a wooden bowl on the table. There was freshly baked bread, which had been cut into orderly slices, some cooked fish, one for each of them to eat, and a medium sized bowl filled with rice. They ate like this for every reaping starting four years ago once they realized what was happening. Most families waited until after the reaping to celebrate, but Cody made it a point to eat beforehand. He thought it was important to enjoy this time together, knowing what they knew.

She was careful when she placed the jug down on the table, its orange contents sloshing around when Lane accidentally bumped the table as he sat down. She hesitated before she placed the pie down. The smell was overwhelming. How the hell did Cody get the ingredients to make this? Did he bribe the bakery? She didn't even know he knew the recipe.

"You ready to eat?"

Her head shot up and she saw that Cody was looking at her expectantly as he dried his hands off on his apron.

She gave a hesitant nod and placed the pie down next to the bread like Cody had asked as she pushed away her thoughts. She took a seat next to Lane, who was already sitting with his arms folded across his chest, tension apparent in his shoulders. Cody pulled his apron over his head and hung it on a hook in the wall before sitting down across from them, letting out a slight huff when he sank into his chair.

The table was set, the food was ready, and yet, none of them made any moves to gather food. Instead, they each sat there with their heads turned down, wearing frowns as the reality of the situation began to catch up with them.

Cody shifted uncomfortably in his seat and cleared his throat. "Well…," he said, "I guess we should start eating then."

Lane and Cody didn't look like they wanted to eat at all. Halle couldn't blame them. She was even beginning to feel a bit nauseous.

Halle tried to think of something that she could say to cheer them up. She had already accepted her fate and what she would have to do to come out the other side, but she knew the next couple of weeks would be torture for her family.

She straightened her shoulders and tried to offer Cody a smile. "The food looks great."

He gave a slight nod and mumbled, "Thanks."

And the food did look great. Cody had become a great cook over the years. Ever since Lane and Halle had been put under his custody, he had made it a point to never let them go without a meal, even if that meant taking on extra shifts or not eating himself. Their father's death had taken a toll on all of them, especially their uncle, but he never let it show. The time they spent together meant more to Halle than she could ever convey.

Realizing that neither Lane nor Cody were going to start eating until she did, Halle sighed and picked up her fork, first cutting into the fish and taking a big bite as she savored the taste. Once they noticed she wasn't going to force them to talk, Lane and Cody began eating their food, albeit reluctantly.

They fell into a comfortable silence as they ate the food. She would sometimes look up and see Cody looking at her with sad eyes, or Lane clenching his jaw with barely controlled rage. Lane didn't really get sad. He got angry. She could only hope that he wouldn't do anything reckless in the coming weeks.

It didn't take long for them to finish their food. However, up until that point, the pie had been left untouched. She stared at it for a moment, memories of a different time flashing through her mind.

"It's mom's blueberry pie." she said.

It was no longer a question. The smell was just the same. The way the dough had been placed. The filling was that same color and texture. She would know mom's pie anywhere.

Cody rubbed his hand along his beard. "I asked around for the ingredients and called in a few favors. It was important to me that we have it...before you have to go." He said softly.

Lane was beginning to look even more angry, but she kept her attention focused on Cody.

She stood up from her seat and walked over to wrap her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. "Thank you." She whispered.

He returned the hug and buried his head into her neck as he said, "Anything for you, Hal."

She broke away from the hug and noticed Cody was discreetly wiping at his eyes. She returned to her seat and took in a deep breath, some of the aching in her chest fading away when she looked at the dessert Cody worked so hard to make.

Halle picked up her knife and began cutting the pie into even pieces. It wasn't very big, but there was enough for them to have some extra pieces after they finished eating. She placed one slice on her plate and stared at it for a moment before she grabbed her fork and began eating.

Cody grabbed a slice too, but Lane only sat there, his arms folded as he stared pointedly out of the window.

She and Cody exchanged glances with each other and Cody before turning to Lane with a raised eyebrow. "You don't want any?" he said.

"No."

She frowned. "Lane -"

"No." Lane said again. "I don't want any pie, and I don't want to act like everything is okay. None of this is okay." He turned to glare at Halle. "Seriously, how can you just sit there and smile like nothing's wrong?"

She set her fork down and leaned back into her chair. "What do you want me to do, Lane? Do you want me to break down? Or storm the Capitol? There's nothing I can do."

"Look," he leaned forward, desperation in his eyes, "maybe they won't pick you. We can't know for sure-"

"We've been through this." She said softly. "I'm next. Everyone knows it."

He shook his head. "It's just a dumb list! They don't know what they're talking about."

"Lane." She sighed. "I just want to finish my last meal with my family. I may have lucked out for the past three years, but there's nothing I can do about it now. The rest of them are gone. I'm the only one left. Do you really want to spend our time together arguing about this?"

Lane stared at her for a moment, allowing her words to sink in, before deflating in his seat as he shook his head. She looked over and noticed Cody was pushing food around on his plate with his fork, a deep frown on his face.

This was what she had been worried about. Not what she would have to do, but the toll it would take on her family. And that was the point, wasn't it? This was what the Capitol wanted. After the attempted rebellion four years ago, they wanted to make sure no one would ever consider fighting back. It wasn't the people that were killed they cared about, it was the people who were left behind. Crush their spirits, take the lives of those they cared about, show them they have no power, and maybe the next time they would think twice about standing up for themselves.

But this was what she was trying to avoid. She refused to let them break her spirit.

Halle released a sigh and folded her arms. "I'm going to try."

Cody and Lane's heads shot up from their plates and they looked at her with wary eyes. "What?" Lane said.

"I want you both to know that I haven't given up. I'm going to try. So just - don't look so down, okay?" She smiled at them. She glanced down at her barely touched pie and decided she was no longer hungry. They would have to leave soon anyway.

They were silent as she stood up and began clearing her plate and wrapped up the pie, put away the juice, and moved over to the sink to wash off her dishes. She was careful to make sure no food went to waste and was properly preserved.

"Besides." She said, turning to face them as she wiped off her hands on a dry towel. "Why worry about what hasn't happened?"

And yet, they would worry. Even now, before her name has been called, she could already see they were imagining the worst case scenario. No matter what she said, or how she tried to reassure them, they would worry. Their eyes would be glued to the screen as they watched her in the coming weeks, taking in every score, interview - anything that would serve as proof she was still alive...until she wasn't.

But...what if I win? I could win - couldn't I? Don't I owe it to my family, my District, to at least try?

She sighed when she saw their faces, neither of them looking pleased, although maybe a little bit more calm. She walked up behind Cody and gave him a little hug. "Thanks for the food, Co."

"Of course." He mumbled.

She then made her way over to Lane and gave him a hug. "And thank you for caring."

He immediately wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in close, as if afraid she would disappear if he let go. "Always." he whispered into her hair.

She stayed there for a moment before pulling away. Outside she could see the sun was starting to tower over their home which meant it would be time for the reaping soon. She told Lane and Cody that she would let them clean up and they could leave as soon as they were done, and then made her way upstairs, moving with fervor so they couldn't see the way her hands had begun to shake.

Her only consolation was that after today, it would end with her, regardless of the outcome.

A/N – Welcome! I will be importing all of my author's notes from Ao3. If they seem a bit confusing, it's because I am addressing/interacting with the Ao3 community at the time of the original release of the chapters. I wanted to bring the notes onto this site so you could all get the same insights! I am so grateful for the engagement this story has been getting and it's been so much fun writing.

It's been a while since I first posted this story, so I thought I'd give an updated author's note.

For those of you who are new, welcome! I've always loved The Hunger Games series and after being introduced to fanfiction last year I decided to write my own story. Because this is the first project I've ever worked on and published, it's been a huge learning curve, but it's been so much fun exploring the world and characters.

Halle has been a character at the back of my mind for a while now. After rereading the books, I found myself wondering what it was like to be a victor and mentor. We didn't really get to see this in the books because as soon as Katniss got out of the Games, she was thrown right back in. So, after months of plotting, I finally sat down and started writing!

This book will be part 1 of a series of 3 or 4 books, so if you're interested in reading this, be prepared for A LOT of story. I want us to get to know Halle before we jump into her life as a victor, which means we're covering her entire Games. Finnick does make an appearance in this first story, and eventually, Johanna will as well. We'll get to explore what life is like in District 7, the rebellion that occurred years ago, and how Halle grows close with some of the characters we know and love in the books.

Anyway, everyone's support for this story has meant a lot to me and I'm absolutely floored by the interaction this story has received. If you decide to continue reading, I'm glad to have you around for the journey! It's been so much fun writing this story and I can't wait to write more.

(Side note: I update every two-ish weeks, but because of school, updates are sometimes delayed)